We have a new season, and Spring at that. With it comes the promise of fresh starts and new beginnings. As nature comes alive we let go of the gloomy, the sedentary, and the stale. Any new season or transitions actually bring with them the opportunity for new beginnings, but Spring is really special as we witness mother nature have its fresh start. This is a perfect moment to ride this wave of momentum for newness.
This is an opportunity to let of things that suffocate us, that unground us, and misalign us…
We can focus our “Spring Cleaning” in 3 main areas:
1~ Environments, routines, calendar, workload, projects, systems and such 2~ Relationship, family, friendships, community, networks 3~ Body, mind and spirit…
When we are cluttered and toxic in these areas we experience:
1~ Overload and exhaustion 2~ Conflict and disconnect 3~ Unwellness and disease
Then it behooves us to declutter, detox, and deprogram these areas to release any stuck energy and create bandwidth and space for the new…
For each area we can do an overhaul or a minor tweak, whatever makes sense for our life at this time.
Here are minor tweaks for immediate results:
1~ Clean out a few little spots in your environments that are cluttered 2~ Change your self-talk or interactions with your loved ones to have a more accepting, compassionate and kind tone 3~ Identity a trigger that still gets you and address it at the core- identify the driving need behind it and meet it yourself and through your relationship… (This is Couples Therapy at its best to change emotional programming…)
Of course, we can do so much in each of the above areas. And, you are welcome to do as much as your heart desires. Everything can stand to be revisited, streamlined, or spruced up… But know that even the littlest “spring cleaning” will create a refresh. Be wise about what you choose, go for what gives the largest impact… That gives the largest release and creates the most spaciousness…
We talked about clearing for your refreshing to allow the newness… But I’d like to go further with this and offer ways to ride the momentum of the freshness that’s in the air and to capitalize on your refresh to actually realize new beginnings…
And that is aligning with the sacredness of life for balance, flow, and aliveness…
The first way to do that is to honor and sync with the cycles of life: ~ nature’s seasons ~ lunar cycle ~ hormonal cycle
The second way is to embrace divine nourishing practices: ~ eat nutritious food, hydrate and sleep well… ~ relate authentically with openness and vulnerability… ~ pray, meditate, reflect…
When you create the spaciousness and infuse it with nourishment, you’ll get the aliveness, connection and upleveling you are seeking. This is how you uplevel your self, your relationship, and your life…
This refresh will quite down all the noise in your life… This quite, stillness, expands and elevates your consciousness, where you become more who you really are, one with Oneness. And this is the access point to accelerate the transformations, creations, manifestations, and realizations in your life… You have access to all you need… Just open up to this new realization and let the newnessflow in…
The only thing left in this process is to be really intentional about what kind of newness you want… And then take a first step towards creating something new… Towards creating a new beginning…
Here is to your refresh and all the newness you desire…
PSS: Do you need support taking yourself, your relationship, and your life to the next level- actually living a healthy, happy, harmonious and overall abundant life?
Copyright (c) 2024 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication? Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Couple Strategy™ that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly connection notes in your inbox with Personal Development and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
As we embark on this long holiday weekend kicking off the Summer, it is the perfect time to ponder upon what kind of Summer we’d like to have… By now most choices for academic and extracurricular activities for the next school year have also been completed, as we wrap up this year.
By now enrollment to Summer camps, programs and the like have been completed. And, by now vacations, trips, and experiences for the Summer have most likely also been chosen and even booked.
So, what’s left to do to enjoy the Summer, you ask? Well, as far as I’m concerned:
Select a Theme or Focus for the Summer – Even though we look at the Summer as a time of leisure, we tend to nonetheless pack it with activities… There is nothing wrong with being active and pursuing fun things. But, as usual, I caution the overpacking it in…
So, even if you have an exceptional funnest Summer Bucket List, don’t kill yourself doing all the items on the list. Use the list as inspiration and idea holder. The Theme or Focus can thus be: Relaxation. Leisure. Ease. Restful. Quiet. Pampering. Open. Free. Under-committed. Unscheduled. (More on Focus Terms™)
Select a Summer Project/s – I find so much inspiration during the Summer months. I believe the more ease, openness and spaciousness (from the usual, anyway) lends itself to more creativity… We get all juiced up to start Autumn and the “new (school) year” reaching for the Stars.
Summer is the perfect time to pursue a creative outlet, personal project, or personal development strategy as we tend to be more personally focused… But even a work, career, business or professional project is fun to take on as repose begets innovation…
Select the Experience to be had – And, by this I don’t mean having an activity type of experience, like going on a Safari (put that on your bucket list!). By this one I mean, how do you want to Feel during the Summer? How do you want to Experience, how do you want it to be like? What kind of memories would you want to make? What would make it memorable? What would make it exceptional? What would you want to be able to Memorialize?
After these, you are truly ready for the Summer. I find that if we are not intentional, time passes us by, and we don’t get to milk our moments for all they are worth. Don’t just saunter in, keep on as usual, and then regret you missed out on more fun. And, again, more fun doesn’t mean being loaded with more activities. It means enjoying the ones you do… Be selective. Be proactive. Be intentional.
Assignment: Do your Selecting this weekend. Choose how you want to Memorialize this Summer. Check out the Related Issues of Interest below to have a real intentional approach to this Summer.
Now is the time. Set up your Summer approach now and all you have to do later is to Enjoy!
Complete the Assignment, and share your takeaway, insights, and results with a note in the Comments box at the end! I’d love to hear how you are using this content.
Copyright (c) 2019 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
What makes your relationship special? What is it about your relationship that makes you happy? What do you appreciate the most about your partner’s essence? How does your partner’s essence enrich your life?
I find that partners tend to forget what’s at the core of themselves and their partner. They tend to focus on what’s in front of their face, the behaviors they don’t like, the habits that annoy them, and attitudes that might hurt them. Top with the fact that these things are looked at through skewed lenses. They are looked at with lenses warped with limiting beliefs, the pain of childhood wounds, scripts and poor boundaries. They assess and process their partner’s every move and their interactions through these warped lenses. They use incredible logic to make the case that they are being wronged in some way.
I have heard versions of people’s logic depicting how messed up their situation or partner is. Does the logic add up? Sure. We can make a case for about anything we want… Looked at through our scripts we can find just about any fact we want to prove our version of things. But adding up mere facts and our interpretation of them doesn’t serve anyone. Proving our script dishonors our core Self, that of our Partner and the sanctity of our Partnership. We don’t have to make ourselves right to be heard or understood. We don’t have to prove a case as if we are going to court to be seen and validated. We don’t have to tie ourselves to some version of what we make out to be Truth to he honored…
What is our Truth? We get hang up on facts as truth, but this is the most unlikely measuring stick… Facts can be strung together to tell a version that validates our scripts… And, we can make some compelling case. This is dangerous business!
This way of analyzing our partner, our interactions, and our relationship only serves to leave our Partner out of it… For in that analyzes there is barely an ounce of Truth about our partner and our relationship. Our partner is no longer part of the equation at this point. What we are doing instead is making ourselves the victims and work hard at validating that over and over… This is crazy making. I see people everyday take themselves on rides and let the squirrels in their head run the show… This is the surest way to be unhappy and miss the boat on the possibilities of our Partnership.
Every time we entertain the noise, the doubt, and the fear and allow ourselves to wallow in self-pity and victimhood, we are missing the boat. So, how do we break this harmful mental and emotional habit? It can feel daunting to even get a glimpse that we are in a maze of our own making, that the reality we believe is wrong… It can feel so illusive and overwhelming that it’s easier to close our eyes and go on as usual. A devil known is better than the one unknown. So we keep on looking for ways to validate how we are wronged.
But what if, what if for a moment we entertain the idea that our partner is not the enemy? That our partner is dealing with their own demons. That our partner actually means well. That our partner is trying their best. That our partner is stuck in the maze with us!
If only we were both to look up and recognize the maze; and, agree to work together to get out. The maze would all but disappear! The illusion would no longer hold us captive. Breaking the mesmerizing hold doesn’t have to be hard. You have to really want it. You have to trust your Self. You have to go the depth of what you know and hang on to the Truth. Your gut knows the Truth. Your heart and Soul know the Truth. When you get that glimpse your job is to hold on to that for dear life and not let go. This is how you break the trance…
Operate from your known Truth regardless of the facts. Use the benefit of the doubt, grace, vulnerability, compassion, empathy, validation and Love. See the core of your Partner, not the noise surrounding your partner. Assume the best of intentions even if they come at you with a sledgehammer (you can address the delivery later!). Stop assigning motives to your partner about their not being interested about you and your needs, or caring about you. They are doing their best.
It’s time to work together to get out of the maze, use how you get each other better, and enjoy the good stuff you fell in love with in the first place. Yes, it is still there! This is the Essence, the Truth! Don’t let defense mechanisms, lack of development, bad habits and lack of skills mute this radiance! > Boundary setting and getting needs met: Let’s say your partner is selfish (is coming across as selfish to you…). They seem to be all about what they need, how they need it and when they need it regardless of the impact on you and your needs. This takes the form of space and separateness for the distancer in the relationship and the form of connection and togetherness for the pursuer in the relationship…
Regardless of the topic at hand, this is the underlying dynamic / MO at play. You can be talking about who is going to do the grocery shopping – the distancer wants to go alone and crank it out, the pursuer wants to go together and have an experience while shopping. If your partner doesn’t want to come grocery shopping with you does it mean they don’t care about you? If your partner wants you to go grocery shopping with them does it mean they are trying to control you? We have to watch how we assign meaning to our interactions… Regardless of the topic and the outcome, what’s important is how we address it. It is in the addressing that the healing, growing and evolving happens. Where the closeness, intimacy and Partnership happens. Once you each express what is happening for you and show you get your partner’s experience or position, a solution can always be found… The trick is not to impose our wishes, but to express what is happening for us without assigning motives to our partner.
NOTE: When we assign motives we actually feel differently! This is what gets us into trouble. Stop imposing your script and start honoring the essence of your Partnership! Complete the MetroRelationship™ Assignment below to help you effortlessly implement this, make changes and immediately start experiencing your awesome and radiant relationship, and authentic and meaningful life… Happy Honoring!
~ Your MetroRelationship™Assignment For the next two days, monitor your internal dialogue about your partner and your relationship. Note how you assign motives and are employed fulltime proving your script. This can be discouraging and exhausting! Then, make a commitment to give yourself, and your partner, a break. Going forward, every time you catch yourself owning your partner or playing victim stop and regroup:
Give your partner the benefit of the doubt and connect with their Essence
Look for the exception in your script, anything that’s not congruent with making your point, and hone in and expand that
Make note of how the black cloud lifts… Add this to your Tool Kit…
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication? Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
I’m a therapist… I’m a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. I’m a Certified Imago Therapist (additional training in doing couples work). Hence, I specialize in working with couples. I’m often asked what’s my niche, what’s my thing… I specialize in working with codependent couples (partners having poor boundaries and self ownership…).
And, I further specialize in working with couples where apathy is ramped in their relationship. Where one partner is not involved, withdrawn, removed, difficult to engage, self absorbed and such. And, where the other partner is driven insane by this (not literally of course!).
This is the pattern that is so prevalent in couples. This is the pursuer-distancer dance.
Partners in this dance have a difficult time staying connected without loosing themselves… Therefore they strive for connection, but as soon as it gets too comfy they feel threatened. To deal with their unconscious fear, they pull their shenanigans that end up creating space for psychological, existential, safety.
The problem with this pattern is that the shenanigans and the space created are damaging to the relationship, the bond, respect for each other, and the self-esteem of the partners. This might create psychological safety, but this doesn’t meet our inherent need for connection and love. This is the gun we use to shoot ourselves on the foot. This is a disaster for relationships!
This is so damaging that when too pervasive it’s difficult to comeback from.
And, unfortunately, this is when couples come in for Couples Therapy… So, I want to do you a favor, and give you specifics about this pattern so you can catch it early and do something about it early before it’s too disruptive in your relationship. These are the characteristics I have identified in the Codependent Couple™ that create this debilitating dance:
The “I Don’t Give a *S—T” Partner – Underfunctioner in relationship, Minimizer (simplifies interactions/situations), Distancer (withdraws from interactions/situations), Rigid boundaries, Lets other take control / ownership / responsibility, Passive-aggressive …
Narrow range of emotions (shutdown), Narcissistic personality characteristics, Independent, “Me” oriented, Little access to memories, Needless / “clueless”, Dismissive, Left brain dominant (linear thinker, appears controlled / posed, reticent), usually Male
The “Oh, Poor Me” Partner – Overfunctioner in relationship, Maximizer (exaggerates interactions/situations), Pursuer (“hounds” in interactions/situations), Loose boundaries, Controlling of other / takes over / overly responsible, Manipulative …
The characteristics fall on a range. The couples that struggle the most are the most polarized.
Now, nothing is black and white and so clean cut in life. I’m sure there are characteristics in both groups that you can identify with. Please note, these do not define you! These are defense mechanisms, bad habits and lack of skills and tools… All of it can be changed!!
What I want you to do is to identify which group is more like you, most of the time, or in times of crisis, stress or transition. Once you identified your side. Your job is to become more moderate in the way you operate.
So, more specifically, your job is to pick one or two characteristics that get you the most in trouble, stuck, in your relationship and give it your all to moderate it. This is challenging as with any habit we try to change or any other self-growth or development endeavor we undertake. You’ll be out of your comfort zone for sure. But it is in this stretch that we heal, grow and evolve… And, how we create our awesome relationship to boot!
Remember to pick one or two to focus on. Don’t go overboard trying to change everything at once. You’ll only accomplish to trigger yourself and your partner (explanation beyond today’s writing), and to crash and burn! Instead, take baby steps in a massive way! To do this successfully:
Gratitude – Keep a Gratitude Practice™ where you stay in a state of appreciation through out the day (or as much as possible…). Your brain cannot physically be in a state of appreciation and fear at the same time…
Accountability – Share with others what you are trying to do and have them keep you accountable in a loving way.
Tracking – Keep a journal or other tracking of your feelings, experiences, impact, effects, results, etc.
Self-Care – Practice a lot of self-care to soothe your unconscious mind… You don’t want to undermine or sabotage your own efforts…
Reassurance – Your partner might become suspicious… Reassure them that you are investing in the relationship.
Support – Get support to help you see things differently so you can pursue operating differently, to learn the skills and tools you might need, to support your efforts, to cheerlead you, to help you tweak your investments for better results, and help you manage your Self…
Even if you are the only one changing the steps to the dance, the dance changes… As usual, focus on what you need to do to be the best you and the best partner, and you’ll soon be performing your best choreography yet! Complete the MetroRelationship™ Assignment below to help you effortlessly implement this, make changes and immediately start experiencing your awesome relationship, and Authentic Life… Happy Dancing!
~ Your MetroRelationship™Assignment
Ask your partner what they need from you this weekend. What would be a gesture, behavior, attitude, or such that would touch their heart? What is something they’ve been wanting from you that hasn’t happened yet, or could happen more? This is your chance to stretch…
For as soon as a partner is presented with such a question, you know you’ll be asked for something that is challenging for you to give… This is the beauty of our relationship. It’s a playground at the ready. Here we get to learn and practice new skills…
Go ahead, honor your commitment to yourself to heal, grow and evolve… Your partner is gifting you with the opportunity to stretch! Go about this respectfully, responsively, intentionally, and mindfully – no need to crash yourselves! Add this to your Tool Kit…
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
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Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT has been in the mental health profession in varying capacities for the past 20+ years. She is the Founder and Director of metrorelationship.com a psychotherapy and coaching practice specializing in working with busy professional and entrepreneurial couples who are struggling getting on the same page and feeling connected. The work helps couples create a radiant and successful relationship and meaningful life by becoming a strong partnership and increasing their connection, intimacy, and fun. Emma is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Relationship Strategy™.
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