I am off this week for spring break, and in celebration of my birthday. Yep, took the week off to celebrate me. Ha! I learned a long time ago that I don’t prefer to work on my birthday and to honor that feeling. This goes for not working on my husband and daughter’s birthdays (seeing clients on those evenings).
So, I’ve had a week of pampering and working on personal projects and interests. So fun! This is one aspect of what I call “minding my business”, and love it.
Part of “minding our business” is owning our life, our personal experience. We Create this moment by moment… We have a choice in how we feel, what we eat, how we look, how healthy we are, how our house looks, how we relate to others, what we do, how we use our time, what we produce, how we use our finances, and everything else… It is our life and we are the creators of it, ALL of it…
We create our life with every single decision throughout the day:
What time we get up, do we meditate, do we exercise, do we eat nutritious foods, do we safe guard our work/productive time, do we have beauty in our surroundings, do we spend time in nature, do we connect with the influencers in our life, do we connect with our loved ones, do we stay connected with our Higher Self and our Spirituality, do we have healthy and efficient daily routines, do we have a gratitude practice?
It is very easy to blame our circumstances and the people in our life for not having the life we desire… It is very easy to react to everything during our day, as opposed to intentionally going about it… It is very easy to waste our time, our day, our life… We have to make every moment count!
And, making every moment count doesn’t mean a free for all and living it up, or being stuck in the grind and slaving ourselves. Making every moment count means we choose how we use it. We can choose to work, to volunteer, to play, to lie around, or anything we want… The creation is in the choosing… If you don’t see the choice, therein lies the first shift needed to create the life you want…
Everything is a choice. We make decisions based on our upbringing, script, programming, values, level of self-worth and self-esteem, skills, health, finances, personality, and such. But note, we actually have choices and options in these as well! ALL this is changeable… Even your upbringing… You can choose how you view it and how you let it impact you… Nothing is set in stone. You create YOU. You create your Life. You are the master of your business.
When we don’t mind our business, our business suffers… Our health, relationship, finances, home, work, all of it suffers. It is our Job to mind our Business. It is imperative that we take charge, own and mind our every moment. It is imperative that we create a life by design, that we choose what makes us happy, and that we focus on that pursuit. Living our life by default is not living our Life. It is wasting our life.
Another aspect of minding our business is not getting involved in other people’s business… This is harder for some to do than owning their own business! People love to have an opinion and worry/wonder about how others are doing, what they are doing, and how they are doing it.
They love to judge and measure. They are nosey. If they spend that energy minding their own business their life would be so much better… Any frustration we experience is because we are minding someone else’s business… We think on how they should be operating and contributing differently… This is none of our business!
If our needs are not met by how someone else is being, we have a choice in how we address that. Telling others how to be is not part of it. This is where partners get into trouble in their relationship. There are a lot of misconceptions around this. Even if you are married you can’t tell someone else how to Be!
I’m sorry if I’m ruffling your feathers. If you are troubled by this concept, you might need to polish up your boundaries… There are ways for both partners to be satisfied without either telling the other how to Be… You can co-create a life that works for you both and that honors each of you. The key is in minding your business…
What part of your life can use more owning, designing, tweaking? Where in your life do you need to back off? Enjoy minding your business!
Remember to complete the MetroRelationsip™ Assignment below to help you effortlessly implement this, make changes and immediately start creating your Successful Relationship and Meaningful Life…
Share your experience by leaving a comment below!
Happy Minding!
Copyright (c) 2020 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
How do you deal with disruptions? Do they mess you up?
Do you fall in the super organized and plan everything camp? Or, do you fall in the unstructured, take-it-as-it-comes, winging-it camp? As you might have already guessed, I fall more in the super organized and plan everything camp. And, I evangelize this approach in an effort to teach creating life (relationship) by design. I’m a strong proponent of creating systems and structures to support us in everything we do to propel us forward.
Of course there are pros and cons to most things in life. Our job is to decide what works best for us, and to make it work as best as possible.
If we are too organized and structured, a disruption might throw us off. On the other hand, when we plan ahead and have systems in place, disruptions can be handled with grace.
If we are easy going and take life in stride, a disruption can be handled the same. On the other hand, if not anticipated and no plans are in place, disruptions can put us over the edge and create crisis.
This concept applies to relating with our partner as well. I’ve seen clients who wing-it in their relationship and clients who over plan and control everything. In my opinion, both leave a lot to desire and neither is conducive to creating the relationship we want.
When we wing-it, we are not creating a relationship by design. We are going through the motions, reacting, possibly creating drama, and not meeting our partner’s and our own needs…
When we over plan, structure, force, script, and such we miss the boat on Being in our relationship. We instead are doing our relationship but there is no gusto in it. We can’t feel our partner, our needs are not met, we don’t have fun, and the relationship actually feels like work.
I teach living by design and creating systems and structures to support the life-relationship we want. But, then some take this too far and the initial intention gets lost in the process.
What’s the point of forcing dinners, dates, vacations, trips, couple time, etc.? What’s the point of scheduling all this, plus everything else, and then being stressed to make it happen? Same thing goes for communication tools and skills. And, for sexy-time. And, for self-care practices. And, other things that supposed to be good.
We can take a good thing too far. If we feel pressure and stress to keep up with any of these things, then we are over doing it. The good thing is no longer a good thing… When we get here, we have to catch ourselves to make sure we don’t miss the forest for the tree. Systems and structures are supposed to work for us not the other way around!
I have been finding myself teaching this part of the concept more and more recently. That of using our tools and skills well, but not to run them into the ground. They can carry us only so far before they actually become a hindrance. Once it goes this way, it’s time to pat ourselves on the back for having come this far and for learning so much. Then, it’s time to do things differently to get to the next level…
The next level is Mastery. This is where you artfully use your tools, skills, and knowledge, but not with the flavor of doing but with the flavor of Being. This is where showing up with your Being makes all the difference. This is where using all those resources laced with intuition, compassion, and love have the impact they are supposed to. Tools for the sake of tools are a waste. YOU still need to drive them for them to make a difference.
So, take a look at your routines, systems, schedules, TimeMap, and anything else related to how you organize and design your life-relationship. Note if you are too loose or too uptight about how you run your stuff. You might have a combo of both. Decide where more structure is needed and where less will serve you, and your loved ones, best. Take step towards adjusting any imbalance.
Intentionally deciding how you want this to be in your life is the most important piece. Owning how you run your life is what creates the life you want.
Remember to complete the MetroRelationsip™ Assignment below to help you effortlessly implement this, make changes and immediately start creating your Successful Relationship and Meaningful Life…
Share your experience by leaving a comment below!
Happy Creating!
~ Your MetroRelationship™ Assignment
Design what you want your life to look like daily and weekly. Use a TimeMap approach to capture your vision. Chunk up and assign your time to life categories that are important to you. Each category-time-chunk is then the designated time to do related tasks, activities, plans and such.
This way you can balance how you prioritize things in your life, focus on what is important to you covering all your bases without stressing yourself out. Don’t overthink it, keep it simple and have fun with this!
Add this to your Tool Kit…
Copyright (c) 2018 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
It’s a quiet and cozy kind of day, except for the howling winds outside, as I write this. Feeling super blessed and inspired with current projects, the people in my life, and the prospect of Spring being just around the corner. This makes me Happy.
I was listening to a Tony Robbins recording the other day that so resonated and reinforced concepts I teach, that I made a mental note to write about the powerful message again. It’s interesting how the teaching of the Masters, Mentors, and Teachers all begin to blend after a while… The message I feel inspired to share about can also be found in the work I recently reference, The Happiness Advantage by Shawn Achor.
What makes us Happy? Once upon a time, I used to believe that the pursuit of happiness was frivolous. That people looking for shortcuts in life were lazy. That people focusing on having fun were underachievers/unfocused/unmotivated. That people being in expectancy of their next vacation were shallow. I know it sounds judgy.
These were super strong beliefs, ingrained in me from an early age and reinforced by my immigrant background. I was victim to them. For if I held that belief about others, I very well couldn’t operate that way myself, now could I? [I’ll spare you the deeper work underneath this… LOL]
It took me a lot of reprogramming myself… to start breaking these patterns and to start appreciating the Gift in leisure, in simplicity, in fun. Now I have a huge appreciation for people who operate this way. Now I allow myself to embrace and pursue these. Now I encourage others to do the same… Which brings me back to the teachings I was referencing.
What makes us Happy? It actually isn’t about downtime, fun or vacations… [Ha! ;)] These serve a different purpose. They serve the purpose of soothing us, of recharging us, of replenishing us, of inspiring us, of aligning us, of resetting us, of putting us on a positive frame of mind… From this state we are resourced to manage our life well, to interact with others well, to show up with our best Self.
When we are resourced and able to take care of our business, we can actually create what we desire. We can actually create change. We can actually make progress. We can actually get momentum going in the direction we like. We can actually grow and evolve. And, as we do, we feel Alive… And, this is what makes us Happy…
Hence my strong Focus on Self Care, Connection and Productivity in my personal life, and in my work with others…
What is resonating for you in this message? Where do you need to refocus? Where do you fall on the “seeking fun” spectrum? Are you seeking fun to be Happy and missing the boat on how to Be Happy? I have so many clients with amazing lifestyles, extravagant vacations, all sorts of fun built into their routine but they are not Happy… Pampering and immediate gratification does not equal Happiness.
Being in the moment and focused on making progress is what makes us Happy… What do you need to tweak in your approach to life to be Happy? Identify and implement right now! Be Happy!
Remember to complete the MetroRelationsip™ Assignment below to help you effortlessly implement this, make changes and immediately start creating your Successful Relationship and Meaningful Life…
Share your experience by leaving a comment below!
Happy Being Happy!!!
~ Your MetroRelationship™ Assignment
Expand your Happy List™ approach to include being mindful of making progress in what is important to you. Stay focused and build momentum. Feel the progress.
Happy List™ (replenish) + Play with what’s important to make progress = Happy
Add this to your Tool Kit…
Copyright (c) 2018 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
In my mediation earlier today, there was a beautiful sentiment that stood out. That of having choice… I think we all agree we have choices in life, specially living in the land of the free… But, it is so interesting that we understand this as a concept but yet hardly live by it… It is an ongoing saga with clients who believe they feel as they do because of what their partners (others) do… Oops, too quick… Let me back up.
We know we are free. We know we have choices. Yet, we live in bondage not only socially but also relationally and personally… This is a personal empowerment message. It is a message to wake up to our life.
We have a choice as to what we have in our life, how we live our life, what we do, how we make money, where we work, who we spend time with, how we interact, how we dress, what we eat, and the rest of it.
We have a choice as to how we want to show up:
Criticize or praise
Frown or smile
Yell or talk
Veg out or exercise
Distance or connect
Dramatize or let go
Abandon/neglect or nurture
We have a choice as to we choose to look at something, the meaning we assign it, how we experience it, and how we feel about it… Yes, we have a choice!
Does this mean we live in a vacuum and we are not impacted by others, No. Does this mean we choose how to be impacted, and correct our experience to the best of our ability, Yes. Does this mean we keep Focusing on improving this ability, YES!
We can have all the excuses we want at any given time to explain our choice to interact with others and ourselves with negativity. At the end of the day we chose to have an excuse to explain our unhappiness. We chose to give away our power. We chose to not live our life with authenticity. This is not who we really are!
All the negative responses are defenses and reactions from ego (fear; head/logic). When we choose the positive ways of showing up, we are showing up with our Higher Self (truth, compassion; heart/love). This is what begets lightheartedness, joy, peace, harmony, love, connection, and fun…
We have a choice to live in happiness and have an amazing life. Pay attention to what you focus on. Pay attention to what you give lip service. Pay attention to what you entertain. Pay attention to what you allow. Pay attention to how you allow others to treat you. Pay attention to how you treat others. Pay attention to how you talk to and about yourself… Pay attention to how you treat yourself… You have choices…
Notice “what you need more of in your life”, and go get it… During our monthly networking luncheon (Empowering Women in Business™) this week, we posed this question.
The responses from our attendees included: laughter, smiles, relaxation, free time, good conversation, care of animals, ukulele, crocheting, chocolate, gratitude, connection, friendship, happy families, gardening, and by a landslide – sunshine! None of these had to do with material things… These are priceless and easy to have!
These are the little things that make us happy. We have a choice as to what we put in our experience. Choose what makes you happy in as many moments of your day as you are aware… Choose happy!
Remember to complete the MetroRelationsip™ Assignment below to help you effortlessly implement this, make changes and immediately start creating your Successful Relationship and Meaningful Life…
Share your experience by leaving a comment below!
Happy Choosing!
~ Your MetroRelationship™ Assignment
Make a list of the little things in life that make you Happy. Cover all areas from environment, nature, relating, to bodily treats and such. Make it as exhaustive as you can, then make it your business to integrate more of these in your life…
Add this to your Tool Kit…
Copyright (c) 2018 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
Happy Valentine’s Day Week! Hope you had a lovely day yesterday! If you are celebrating Love this coming weekend, wish you much enjoyment of your connection and your lovey.
There is a very popular topic in our work with couples and intimate partners. And, that is the topic of Compassion. Time and again, this comes up as a block to connection and intimacy. Partners refuse to share what is happening for them, their experience, and their wishes and desires because they don’t feel their partner can stand to hear these… And, they are right. A lot of times, partners can’t tolerate (hear, be with, understand) their partner’s experience…
What happens is that our poor internal boundaries and sense of self, our limited personal differentiation, undermine our connecting ability. How can we fully know another and connect with them if they are intertwined with us? When we are not more personally differentiated we can’t unconsciously differentiate between our self and our partner… We are a joint energetic and emotional blob… This is why projections, internalizing, and such happen.
When we are in an interaction with each other, whatever is being shared feels like our own experience or that it is about us… This is what makes it scary to hear about our partner’s world. Whatever they say stirs up fear about who we are, if we fit in, if we are loved, if we are OK.
Whatever they say is experienced as judgment and blame (shame) because in our jointness it feels like it is about us. To protect ourselves from this extreme discomfort we use our defense mechanism artillery, which in turn create disconnection from each other…
This is beyond uncomfortable for partners. They are a joint blob, but yet feel disconnected. There is a lack of sharing. Yet, when there is sharing there is immense mutual shame, which begets more defenses and so the dissatisfaction cycle goes.
We are wired for story telling and connection… If we truncate the sharing and thus block connection we are not fully embracing our Self, our Aliveness… But please don’t mistake this for dumping or shoving your experience down your partner’s throat (I see this side all too often as well!).
Remember, there is vulnerability in the sharing, but ALSO in the hearing of it… Be gentle… Safety needs to be created for the sharer and the listener… After all you are in this together. You can’t tackle this as if you exist in a vacuum…
When you are the one sharing – tell your story, share your experience, let on to your imperfections by speaking from your heart, with vulnerability, and speaking of yourself (don’t make all this worse by beating on your partner to boot!)
When you are the one listening – listen with your “third ear” – listen with your heart, listen for meaning and intention, listen for the other’s experience (don’t get hang up on words, interpretations and what it means for you or about you…)
AND, sometimes you are the one that is either more ready or more equipped to be gentle, to share, to listen. It is what it is. If that’s you, suck it up and stop being resentful that you are It. There is a reason for your Pairing. Capitalize on your strengths and stop focusing on your Partner’s “weaknesses”. I’m sorry, if this touched a nerve…
This is when you get support for yourself, when you invest on yourself, when you nurture and give yourself what you need. This is not the time to play victim, curl up in a corner or run away. This is the time to put in place what you need so you are fully resourced to take care of business. So you can continue to capitalize on your strengths without feeling drained…
What do you need to do to recharge today, this week, ongoingly? How do you not abandon yourself? How do you give yourself love? If you are huffing at this, you might be missing something… Stay with this, sleep on it, kicking it around, mull it over. This is the key to creating the relationship you desire…
From a more resourced place, comes a stronger sense of self, more ownership, more security and stability, and thus more ability to Be mindful, present and available. Then you can share your story better. Then you can hear your partner’s story better… This is compassion. This is connection and intimacy in the making.
Start by having compassion for yourself!
Remember to complete the MetroRelationsip™ Assignment below to help you effortlessly implement this, make changes and immediately start creating your Successful Relationship and Meaningful Life…
Share your experience by leaving a comment below!
Happy Sharing!
~ Your MetroRelationship™ Assignment
You can never have too much of a self-care practice… Take stock as to what your practice entails, and step it up a notch. If you are like most people, your Practice is probably dismal and you are still giving excuses as to why… If you have a pretty good one and still find life challenging, you might need to either step it up or change it up… Make sure you are getting what you need!
Add this to your Tool Kit…
Copyright (c) 2018 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
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Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT has been in the mental health profession in varying capacities for the past 20+ years. She is the Founder and Director of metrorelationship.com a psychotherapy and coaching practice specializing in working with busy professional and entrepreneurial couples who are struggling getting on the same page and feeling connected. The work helps couples create a radiant and successful relationship and meaningful life by becoming a strong partnership and increasing their connection, intimacy, and fun. Emma is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Relationship Strategy™.
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