Is lack of trust undermining your connection with your partner and wrecking havoc in your relationship? Lack of trust might extend to beliefs that your partner is cheating. Or it can be as simple as not trusting your partner to be there, follow through, keep their word, be accountable, get your back, do the right thing by you, be mindful, thoughtful, and honorable.
The level of distrust has to do with our own insecurities, but also the level of our partner showing up authentically. When we both address our side of the coin this becomes a non-issue!
As usual, we start with what we contribute to the cocreation of the relationship. What we are doing, or not doing, to create the interactions that leave us dissatisfied. Are we controlling, demanding, invasive, picky, perfectionist, whiny, manipulative, bossy, entitled, or other-owning in our approach to the situation, or in general in our relating, that doesn’t allow our partner to show up? Ouch!
Think about this. When we operate from this place, we are insufferable and suffocating! No wonder our partner gets shifty… Of course this is not to excuse them, but to understand and start making adjustments to get what we desire.
I see this ALL the time. When we try to get our needs met, share our preferences and make requests with this attitude and approach, we are cornering our partner. This leaves them to “yes” us, use “maybes” instead of “nos”, make promises they can’t keep, avoid us, become unavailable, self absorbed, disinterested and lethargic, and resort to escapism (with cheating, substances – including food, personal interests, outside commitments, over working, etc.).
This does not mean we are responsible for our partner’s choices… This just sheds some light into the cocreation of our patterns…
The way to change this is very simple. I’ve seen incredible immediate changes made by partners as soon as they adjusted their approach. Not only do we need to address what we contribute to this pattern, but we also need to address what our partner contributes… And, we do this not by beating on them but by setting proper boundaries. Voila!
Therefore, the key to changing this pattern is to own our self and not own our partner, and to get what we desire from our partner through appropriate boundary setting. Remember the Ownership Guidelines™: We cannot tell another how to be, think, feel, or behave and all derivatives of this.
We can only clarify, challenge, and own our own beliefs, expectations, preferences, wishes, feelings, actions, and such. Then we can use them to inform a clean approach (non of the dirty behaviors mentioned above) in the interactions with our partner.
The initial focus needs to be on cleaning up our act. Then we can address the boundary setting. It is challenging to set proper boundaries when we are not clean… In a nutshell, boundary setting has to do with making appropriate and mindful requests to get our needs met… For example, “I would prefer that when we address a concern or have a disagreement that we don’t raise our voices. It really jars me, triggers me, making me more reactive.
I would like it if we could be mindful not to escalate. So, going forward, when things start getting too intense for me in a disagreement, I will ask to pause our discussion to get a breather. How do you prefer that I ask for that so I don’t upset you, trigger you, in turn? And, how long of a breather do you think we’d usually need? I think I’d need XX, how about you?”
After, that is agreed upon, “If I find that I’m feeling in need of a breather, I will alert youso we can regroup and stay engaged. But if after a few minutes we continue on a path too intense for me, I will ask for a breather. If my request for a breather is not honored, please know that then I will disengage from the interaction as lovingly as I can, and will come back after the XX time we agreed on.”
This approach of stating a request or preference, the purpose or reasoning, the behavior or approach modification desired, and mindful agreement can be used to set boundaries in a multitude of circumstances.
So, building trust is an inside job… Once we Clean Our Side of the Coin™, make appropriate requests, and set proper boundaries to meet our needs we are setting up our partner for cooperation. This creates a mutually respectful space where trust is a given. Give it a shot, start by owning your Self.
Complete the MetroRelationship™ Assignment below to help you effortlessly implement this, make changes and immediately start experiencing your awesome relationship, and Authentic Life…
Happy Trusting!
~ Your MetroRelationship™Assignment Which do you do in your relationship? Are you controlling, demanding, invasive, picky, perfectionist, whiny, manipulative, bossy, entitled, or other-owning in your approach to the situation, or in general in your relating, that doesn’t allow your partner to show up?
Do you “yes” your partner, use “maybes” instead of “nos”, make promises you can’t keep, avoid your partner, become unavailable, self absorbed, disinterested and lethargic, and resort to escapism (with cheating, substances – including food, personal interests, outside commitments, over working, etc.)?
Identify which dirty behaviors you use. If not sure, take a couple of days to catch yourself in doing them or thinking them! Then, work on eradicating them from your repertoire… The faster and cleaner the job the greater the impact on your relationship and more immediate the results you’ll notice. Have fun, it’s completely empowering… Enjoy! Add this to your Tool Kit…
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
I’m familiar with relationship struggles. I’ve had my share, obviously I’m not exempt, and this is what I work with day-in and day-out. I’m pretty intimate with the nuances of what troubles partners and what gets them stuck. For reasons that are beyond the scope of this article, I love working with couples. Couples are my passion. I’m intrigued by them and care about their wellbeing.
Through witnessing so much pain and suffering, despair and hopelessness, and partners throwing their hands up in the air surrendering to what appears an insurmountable challenge, I was able to formulate a process to assist them get past this and thrive.
Time and again couples present with patterns and approach to their partner and relationship that undermine their satisfaction, happiness, wellbeing and ability to create and enjoy their awesome relationship.
The process is just amazing. Couples have created their new relationship in just a few sessions! But not all couples are the same, and I find that it’s not the number of sessions that count but the ability of the partners to embrace the process and their growth and healing journey…
The process constitutes 10 Strategies I have identified as fundamental to creating an awesome relationship. Most couples that struggle usually need assistance with the first 5 Strategies. They are the building blocks to creating awesomeness.
As we are coming off the Valentine’s Day hype and the pressure for enhanced romance, steamy passion and having a dreamy relationship, I want to reassure you that you are not alone if you are feeling a bit blue and stuck in your relationship… I’m giving you a huge virtual hug if you are in need of some loving, and a gift of the First Five Fundamental Strategies™ to help you start cranking change in your relationship!
Warning: Do not try these if you prefer to stay stuck… – Set Up Proper Boundaries and a Healthy Relationship Structure – Fully show up, own yourself and become accountable. Set proper boundaries, expectations, roles, and rules. Clean your interactions and approach to each other – respect, courtesy and mindfulness go a long way.
– Transform Relationship Patterns to Heal, Repair and Build Trust – Understand what’s driving the hot buttons in your relationship. Understand how yours and your partner’s buttons are a perfect match for keeping you stuck… Invest in not triggering your partner and in appropriately getting your needs met.
– Set Up a Strong Communication and Conflict Management System – Create and honor a Fighting Fair Code™. Set up safe conversation times to address issues, concerns or intense topics. Set each other up for cooperation. Set up transparency and accountability mechanisms.
– Conquer Your Debilitating Mindset Keeping You Stuck – Gentle your inner critic, clean your yucky thinking and take control of your mind! Move from an ego-led (fear-based) to a heart-led (love-based) approach to your relationship. Address assumptions, recurring themes and limiting scripts.
– Conquer Your Debilitating Feelings Keeping You Stuck – Feel and manage your feelings (anxiety and depression are only symptoms…). Self-regulate and self-soothe. Establish a sustainable self-care routine.
The approach to implementing the Strategies is not black and white. You can juggle a couple at the same time as the investments will tend to overlap. You can be fluid and flexible as long as you keep your eye on the ball! I would recommend picking one or two to focus on and give it your all.
The more you put in, the more you get out. Remember that insight and knowledge is not enough. You have to take action on these. Go crank and create change!
Complete the MetroRelationship™ Assignment below to help you effortlessly implement this, make changes and immediately start experiencing your awesome relationship, and Authentic Life… Happy Cranking! ~ Your MetroRelationship™Assignment
Decide what area of your relationship needs attention: – Establishing Boundaries, Ownership and Accountability – Changing Patterns and Getting Needs Met – Improving Communication and Conflict Resolution – Upleveling Your Relationship Mindset and Changing Debilitating Scripts – Increasing Self-Management, Regulating and Soothing (to reduce reactivity…) Pick three actions you will do this week to address your area of need… Add this to your Tool Kit…
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
Romance is not just for Valentine’s Day! Romance adds spice, texture and color to life. Unfortunately, most of us don’t utilize this much in our life and relationship. We get too comfortable and busy… This is probably one of the hardest muscle to exercise unless you are in the dating world, and even then you might feel challenged.
I hear all the time from my single clients (yes, I do also work with single persons and individuals on attracting love and having an awesome relationship) how difficult it is to figure out what would tickle another person.
The thing is they go about this from an egocentric approach. They wonder how they’ll get their soul mate, and get their needs met… And, partners in relationship wonder the same thing, How can they turn their partner into their soul mate! Of course they don’t go consciously about it this way, but this is their end game. To say that this is the wrong approach is obviously an understatement.
Therefore, I will show you how to exercise your romance muscle to help you attract your “soul mate” if you are dating and help you tickle your partner if you are in a relationship. Ready?
So, the goal is not really to find your “soul mate” and obviously not to turn your partner into your soul mate.
The goal is to become soul mate material! Yes, take a second to digest that… This journey is not about finding or having the right person but about Being the right person, Being YOU… For when you are you, you will attract and create awesomeness…
How do you measure up in the Being Fabulous department? Yes, at your core you are fabulous, but are you owning your fabulousness? Or are you walking around with defense mechanisms and less than attractive qualities that actually repel others, including your partner? This is where it all starts, with you. When you show up with your fabulous Self all else is a walk in the park.
Here is to empowering you, to bringing out your swag, and to exercising your romantic muscle to dazzle your partner, or love interest, and sweep them off their feet:
Blessing Tokens™ – Choose a beautiful bowl (whatever is beautiful to you pending on your gender and style) to hold your tokens. Capture the Blessings in your life in writing on the tokens: index cards, cardboard, paper, stickies without the sticky part, construction paper, wood blocks, tiles, stones, etc.
You can make them as fancy as you like. And add them to your bowl to display. Create extra blank tokens to keep adding blessings. Everyday, pick and read a token to activate the gratefulness center of your brain… and to be reminded of the abundance in your life. Post pics of your finished product (#blessingtokens). I would love to see it, feel free to tag me.
Soulful Dates™ – On the first Sunday of the month, pick two hours per week where you get to have special “Me Time.” Block off the time and make arrangements to have this time honored.
During this time, read an inspiring book or listen to inspiring programs or other audio material, attend a prayer group, meditate, attend a religious service, do yoga, get a massage or other body treatment, tinker with your plants or in your garden, journal, do any other self growth and development, spiritual or self care activity that nurtures and replenishes you. Would love to hear about your Soulful Dates – tweet me at @emmakviglucci (#soulfuldate)!
Brilliance Infusion™– Every morning before you start your day, select an empowering descriptive characteristic that you’d like to embrace for the day. Create a positive affirmation with it to keep as a running mantra in your head throughout the day. Infuse your brain with your Brilliance.
For example, Alluring – “I am magnetic, passionate, and inviting. I attract and create amazing experiences with my partner.” Share your Infusion and inspire others! (#brillianceinfusion)
Swag Board™– You can have a ton of fun with this one. Create a Vision Board, or you can use a Pinterest Board (look me up)!, to assemble images that represent Swag to you. These can include outfits you like, shoes, accessories, hobbies and interests, hair cuts and styles, sunglasses, decorative items for your home, special outing or place to visit, art, fancy cars and other toys, people you admire, etc.
Anything that if you had it or emulated would make you feel cool. Experiment, get your juices flowing, and grab your Style! Sit with your Style as if you already have it. Feel your Swag. Bring that feeling to your day, everyday! (#swagboard)
Tickle Box™ – This is an incubator where you get to generate the connection, the fun, the romance, the experiences… Find a box that talks to you. It can be rustic, it can be frilly. You can grab a shoebox and decorate it. Cover it with newspaper or satin fabric. This is your box, give it your personality.
Or, you can make a virtual “box”! Use this box to collect sexy and romantic ideas and resources like trendy restaurants, perfect gifts, ultimate experiences, songs, delightful treats, great websites, activities, outings, whatever grabs your fancy. This is your fun, excitement, and romance generating box.
The more you put in, the more you’ll get out. This is your go to place to create awesome energy and for creating romance. Do share the treasures you find! (#ticklebox)
Use these tools to get in touch with your Self, to bring your Fabulous Self out to play, to create your brand of swag and blow your partner away with your brilliance and awesomeness. Have them coming back for more!
Complete the MetroRelationship™ Assignment below to help you effortlessly implement this, make changes and immediately start experiencing your awesome relationship, and Authentic Life… What did you love about this post? Please share your takeaways below! Happy Dazzling! ~ Your MetroRelationship™Assignment
Plan a romantic gesture for this weekend for your partner regardless of Valentine’s Day: Bake a heart shaped cake Cook their favorite meal Wear that outfit they love… Put on something sexy and invite them to play… Get a special treat outside your traditional chocolate.
Get a ravishing bouquet of flowers outside your traditional roses Make a bouquet of flowers (check out Pinterest for ideas!) Send them on a scavenger hunt that ends up with you as the price… Write them a poem Give the a list of 10 Things You Love About Them Dedicate a song to them Name a star after them Plan a date in front of your fireplace … Get your creative juices going… Have a Romantic Weekend! Add this to your Tool Kit…
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
It is not uncommon for partners to feel bored, stale, empty, disconnected and cranky. When this is not attended to it festers and creates more difficulties in the relationship. Partner’s start to wonder about the solidity of the relationship, their commitment to it and how much they want to actually be with their partner.
I want to give a warning here that temporary or superficial disconnects, boredom and funk can feel like true dissatisfaction with the relationship and the partner. The whole thing doesn’t have to be chucked until real and appropriate attempts at reconnecting have been tried. Most of these relationships could have made it only if enough appropriate attention had been given to it at the right time.
I hate to see couples try too little too late. If something doesn’t feel right do something about it right away! Relationships are very delicate and can’t afford to stay in a yucky place for very long the damage might be irreversible. Getting connected and staying connected with our partner is the first step in beating the funk. The second step is keeping things interesting, alluring and fun. And, don’t forget light. Some partners are just too serious and gloomy.
There is nothing to be ashamed of in identifying that things need a bit of spiffing up. Routine, demands and the power struggle have a way of corroding the liveliness and energy out of relationships. An open and honest (this doesn’t mean brutal or mean) discussion about how the partner’s are experiencing each other and what each other’s needs are in relation to one another is one way to get rolling on this venture to charging things up again.
This discussion in and of itself, although sometimes painful, can be a reconnecting experience. The discussion should include brainstorming about ways to get and stay connected and seduced. A little willingness, openness and risking can go a long way. From this new place anything is possible. I invite you to take a chance and have trust in your ability to create what you both crave feeling loved and satisfied in your relating.
Happy Seducing!!!
~ Your MetroRelationship™Assignment Invite your partner to create a joint fun wish list and make the commitment to do one item off the list a week (or at any other agreed upon time interval). Have fun!!
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
I have written in the past about the importance of having fun in our relationship. Fun equals Life! There are all kinds of fun that can be had with our partner. The trick is to figure out how as couples seem to lose this knowledge as the relationship progresses…
Couples have a tendency to move from positive energy to negative energy once they become more committed in their relationship. They used to once be “in-love” and now they are in a “power struggle”. Maintaining feelings of sexiness and keeping the relationship fun is not easy when all the partners focus on is who is right and who is wrong, who did what, who does more, who sacrificed more, who gives more and so on. These are relationship killers!
So, for a moment put all that aside and remember how it was when you first met. Your togetherness might have been sprinkled with cuteness, thoughtfulness and tenderness, excitement and exploration, gifting, going out and getting dolled up, staying in and playing house, lots of fun and experimental sex, thinking of each other constantly, or wanting to be together all the time.
How did it feel? See if you can recapture the high…Sit with that feeling. Feel alive…
Now let’s bring some of that back! Regardless of how you have been feeling towards your partner recently, operate from the alive place towards them. Recapture the good feelings and then approach your partner… This might throw your partner off and they might not reciprocate. Don’t take this personally or as an excuse to give up. You are culture shocking your partner and have to give them a chance to recuperate.
They might be suspicious, they might not get it, or they might plain reject you. That’s ok. They have no clue what is happening and might not trust your motives. Give them a chance to catch up… Reassure them of your motives and invite them to play!! Your partner is craving connection and fun as much as you are. Hopefully they are aware of it and will respond to you fairly easy. If they are not – they just need a little more prodding in the right direction…
There are a lot of ways couples can recapture their sexiness and fun. Look back in your past and use what used to work! Build on this and tweak it to fit you now. Spontaneous sex does not have to be a thing for new couples. Look for opportunities to surprise your partner with a sexy invitation. Better yet, seduce them when they are least expecting it!
Remember to keep in mind what turns them on, what they like, what pleasures them and use good taste (you don’t want this to backfire!). Routine sex is not bad either… There is comfort in knowing when it is “intimacy” time. Partners look forward to it, prepare for it and are ready for it. This is an example of being on the same page!
Rekindling desire and feeling sexy can be a difficult task. This requires work when the relationship is in a slump. Workout your sexiness muscle, get the sparks going and have fun:
Have sensual secrets…
Use different positions, caresses or sexy toys
Role play or “dress up” when “making love”
Tantalize the senses with new textures and scents in your room – create a Sensual Haven
Re-explore each other’s bodies
Flirt… Tease…
Bring out the “hotty” in you – dress up for your partner
Own and flaunt your sexuality with your partner
Be in the moment with your partner
Gaze into your partner’s eyes…
Fun comes in other forms as well! Couples can not only recapture old ways of having fun, but they can expand their repertoire. As the relationship and the partners mature, so can their fun (or not!!). Fun together can be mellow or exhilarating:
Read the same book and discuss, join a book club, read to each other
Join a team, play sports together, workout together
Be playful, play pranks, tell jokes
People watch and analyze, make couples friends and double date
Go dancing, biking, rollerblading, hiking or running
Go hang-gliding, parachuting, bungee-jumping, or white-water rafting
Have a joint hobby, project or goal
Take an educational, skill or talent building class
Play board games, computer games, or pretend games!
Explore religion, meditation and prayer
As you invite and seduce your partner into different kinds of fun, the energy in your relationship shifts. You feel closer and more intimate. You can tackle whatever difficulties you may have and start making changes. You work together and are there for each other. You enjoy each other… You feel happy, satisfied, high, and alive! Welcome to your relationship!!
Happy Seducing!!!
~ Your MetroRelationship™Assignment
What is your relationship sexy and fun quotient? How can you infuse your relationship with more of these important Successful Relationship ingredients? Pick three ideas you want to implement and work them into your lifestyle. To ensure you follow through, here are some tips to promote readiness, eagerness, and enthusiasm:
Be comfortable in your body: eat nutritious foods, drink a lot of water, get your necessary sleep, take your daily multivitamins/minerals, get fit
Look the part: get clothes that fit you well and enhance your favorite body parts, groom and tidy yourself, do a little extra to feel the part (i.e., wear a new perfume/cologne, get a new hair style, get your nails done)
Relax yourself into availability: get a body treatment at a spa, take a long luxurious bath, workout, listen to jazz or classical music, meditate, listen to “Creative Visualization”, do positive affirmations, sip your favorite tea in front of a fireplace
Psych yourself up: plan, set up, day dream, visualize, make-believe, act-as-if, tease, seduce, invite…
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
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Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT has been in the mental health profession in varying capacities for the past 20+ years. She is the Founder and Director of metrorelationship.com a psychotherapy and coaching practice specializing in working with busy professional and entrepreneurial couples who are struggling getting on the same page and feeling connected. The work helps couples create a radiant and successful relationship and meaningful life by becoming a strong partnership and increasing their connection, intimacy, and fun. Emma is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Relationship Strategy™.
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