The concept of setting effective boundaries might feel a bit played out. But it’s interesting that most people still have no idea what setting boundaries actually means… We don’t set boundaries on others, give them consequences, or punish them… We have no control over others, we are not the boss of them- not even our children and our employees or team-reports!
We set boundaries on ourselves… We have to take charge of the things we do have control over, and that is ourselves… We very often disempower ourselves by focusing on what others are doing or not doing… Empower yourself by staying in your circle…
So, let’s put this into the proper context. Setting boundaries is an act of self-love. It means we decide what we allow to be in our life. Be it in our thoughts, our environment, our relationship, our work, our life in general…
When something is not working for us, we don’t set a boundary on the other person- we don’t tell them what to do. We set a boundary on ourselves, we decide what we’ll be willing to allow to continue. We decide to change our thoughts and how we look at things. We decide how to feel and how to respond.
We decide what our actions, habits, and routines are. We decide how we want to show up to a conversation. We decide what is acceptable behavior, treatment, responses, outcomes, and such. We decide everything we allow…
How does this play out in interaction with others? Beautifully… For when you fully own all of you, your needs, your desires, your expectations, how you show up, how you respond, how you set things up and such- things can’t but go smoothly…
You take care of yourself, you exude confidence, you are responsible for your results, you clearly express your expectations in a way that others can respond positively to them, and you appropriately address when the expectations are not met.
And this doesn’t mean punishing people- this doesn’t mean nagging your partner or giving them the cold shoulder. This doesn’t mean yelling at your children. This doesn’t mean berating your employee.
Addressing unmet expectations means you share how you were impacted, how you feel and how this doesn’t work and why. It means you address what might gone wrong for the other that they let you down.
It means you put something in effect to address what happened and a preventative measure. It means you consider the other person’s needs, skills, abilities, and such so your expectations can be met. You address the situation for a win-win.
We never set a boundary at the expense of another. They might not like your boundary of what you will not put up with or tolerate, or what you will no longer do. But you will never tell them to do something harmful or against themselves, nor tolerate this for yourself… And you are not to tell others what they need to do or not do, feel, or think. That’s in their circle…
This obviously applies to our relationship with our partner. We co-create with them, we inspire each other, we address our needs so we are both taken cared of. We don’t tell our partner that they can’t have an affair. We inspire our partner not to have an affair… We address our side being fully mindful and conscientious of theirs. We do not live in a vacuum. We do not do things at their expense, never.
Even should you be getting a divorce, you are still a fellow human being with a heart. Always go for the win-win… Always keep your side of the street clean. Always take the higher road. You are the one that has to live with themselves at the end of the day…
Even with our children – we don’t own them. Our job is not to control them… Our job is to discipline them- which by definition means help them learn… We teach, guide, set them up for success, and support them… We honor their feelings. We show them how to fully own and expand themselves…
Even with our employees. They have a job description, they have processes to follow, and milestones or goals to achieve. They know when they are not performing to what is expected. That is the conversation. We can’t “manage” people, we can inspire and “lead” them… Sometimes words are limited to fully convey a message, but I think you get my drift.
Even when we lovingly release a partner or an employee… It’s ok if they don’t like your boundary, they can choose what they need to do to meet themselves and you to continue to take care of yourself.
Everything that happens, happens FOR us- remember that… There is always a solution for the higher good of all…
This applies to everything in our lives… It’s ok if they don’t like that you will no longer be folding and putting away all the laundry. Decide what works for you and offer that. You can take the other’s preferences into consideration and together come up with a plan that works for both of you. But at the end of the day, you will no longer be folding and putting away all the laundry…
If the other is not cooperative, you always still do your side with the best of intentions for the highest good of all to the best of your ability… Honoring yourself is an act of self-love and imperative for a wonderful and magical human experience. When you operate from this place others cooperate, fear not…
Partners often want to start by having their partner change… They love being in their partner’s circle, then they wonder how come their partner is resistant or uncooperative. Wrong approach my friend! Always focus on your side and the other will follow suit, I promise…
Remember to set your boundaries in alignment with your values… Then they are more meaningful and a lot easier to honor them…
APPLICATION: Compile a list of annoyances and things that don’t work for you in your life… Write it with compassion and grace. Don’t judge yourself or others. They have all served a purpose… Now it’s time to no longer put up with them.
Addressing one at a time: ~ Explore how those things have contributed to who you are today and how you’ve gotten here ~ Identify what no longer works about them ~ Feel the impact they’ve had on you, feel it in your body, breathe through it ~ Thank them for what they have provided you and let them go ~ Identify a practical step to address the things and take an action step towards them today
Taking full ownership and empowering ourselves is not for the faint of heart. If you are serious about Becoming your Best Self, creating your Best Relationship, and living your Best Life- this is not an option. This is how you do it!
Wishing you all the joy, connection and love today and always…
With Much Love & Light!
PS: Do you need support taking yourself, your relationship, and your life to the next level- actually living a healthy, happy, harmonious and overall abundant life?
Copyright (c) 2023 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication? Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Couple Strategy™ that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly connection notes in your inbox with Personal Development and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
The New Year, is a New Beginning and an amazing opportunity for a reset, course correction, and realignment… We want to be intentional about how we start the New Year to set ourselves up to have our Best Year yet… Let’s not set up a bunch of habits, strategies, and routines for the sake of setting stuff up…
The key is for your New Year plan to be thorough yet simple and powerful, and to infuse it with your Essence. We want our new year plan to feel exciting and tantalizing. We a want to have habits, practices and a daily routine that enrich our life and our soul.
We want our days to support us Becoming our Best Self and manifesting our Best Relationship, and Best Life… Here is how to have your Best Year yet…
For starters we must know who we are trying to become and what we want to create/manifest…
We want our life to be made up of what gives us joy, helps us become more ourselves, and supports us in our Journey.
We need a North Star, a Life Vision, to work or walk towards… This serves as our guidance system- we wouldn’t spend a ton of money on an extravagant trip or gift if we are saving to buy a home that is part of our vision, as an example.
If we know what we are trying to create and manifest in our life we can line ourselves up against it, so we are not going upriver, shooting ourselves on the foot, or leaning the ladder against the wrong wall… You get my drift.
We also need to know what we value, appreciate, and prefer in our lives so that we can set ourselves up to have our life reflect that…
When we are planning our upcoming year, or doing any reset for that matter, it is also helpful to revisit our values to make sure we align all our choices and preferences against them.
If we have habits that get in the way of us becoming our Best Self, if we set up our days to run rugged and neglect ourselves, if we go about our interactions from a depleted state, we are not likely to be creating the life we want that honors us…
Then taking a look at your Life Vision, choose your three Life Areas to focus on upleveling, or what you’d like to accomplish or experience, this upcoming year… And set up habits, tactics, and commitments that when done consistently they help you achieve what you desire.
This is where the rubber meets the road. We want to keep these simple yet powerful for the most impact. Yes, you can have a gazillion-billion tactics but if you can’t stick with them, you won’t get results.
Even if you stick with them, you might be spending a lot of time, energy, and other resources in getting results with a complex plan that can easily be achieved with a much simpler plan and your resources can be better allocated elsewhere…
Be selective about the habits you choose to help you live your Journey as you like.
Your habits need to be integrated into a routine for them to stick… So, intentionally map out your daily routine to include your habits, tactics, rituals, and commitments.
Your choices can have a theme/s to them that culminate Practice/s to fully honor who you are becoming… For example: Mindfulness Practice, Self-Love Practice, Feminine Practice, Creative Practice, Writing Practice, and so on.
Keep in mind to TimeMap to build in open/buffer, transition, quiet, and such times in your daily, and weekly routines, to easily embrace more Being and less doing in your approach to life…
Remember that at the end of the day, you want your days to feel joyful, peaceful, harmonious, connected, loving, creative, and the like.
Identify what kind of flavor you want your days to have and how you want to Be in your life, and then set everything up to allow for that to happen…
Be intentional about your approach to your relationship and your life to create what you desire. To allow you to show up more with your true Essence becoming your Best Self, and creating/manifesting your Best Relationship and your Best Life…
APPLICATION: Review or create your New Year’s plan to make sure you really have your back this upcoming year!
Tweak or add these elements as structured or flexibly as you need… ~ Design Life Vision and identify Values to guide you for best alignment ~ Choose Life Areas or Desired Experiences to give you focus ~ Select Habits, Tactics, Rituals, Commitments, and Practices to help you stay focused ~ Design Routines to help you feel grounded ~ Utilize TimeMapping to help you integrate and balance what’s important to you
Remember this whole thing is for you and a collaborative tool to Align with your Partner as well…
This is to help you more easily do your life, Become who you truly are, and support you in your Journey. This is to gently and beautifully create/manifest with your Partner… This is to have your backs and create your Best Life, and your Best Year yet.
Wishing you all the joy, connection and love today and always…
With Much Love & Light!
PS: Do you need support taking yourself, your relationship, and your life to the next level- actually living a healthy, happy, harmonious and overall abundant life?
Copyright (c) 2023 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication? Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Couple Strategy™ that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly connection notes in your inbox with Personal Development and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
The next 90 days can make a real huge difference as to how you end up making out for the year. This is the time to regroup so you can reset your focus, targets, and desires…This is also the time to realign against your values and how you want the rest of the year to go. What kind of year do you want to have in all?
How do you want this one to go down in history? How do you want to have made your life better? How do you want to have gotten a bit closer to your Life Vision? The key is in mapping out meaningful experiences through the next 90 days…
You see, I used to be a real grinder… I can still be- I’m highly productive, can work tirelessly for endless hours, and do it without blinking an eye… The difference is that not only have I learned to work smarter and get better support, but now also I prioritize myself and my lovies a lot better and more than I ever used to.
For instance, I have embraced cultivating a Self Love Practice, that goes way beyond my already rich Self Care Practice… These have made such a massive difference in my wellbeing, health, connection, and just in my overall abundance. Not only did this help with safeguarding my energy, mental health, bandwidth, and time, but also with optimizing them…
A favorite tactic that I have truly enjoyed from this practice is Mapping Out Experiences. Since I’ve had such wonderful success with this, I wanted to highlight it here for you so hopefully it has the same beautiful impact in your life.
Because we are starting the last quarter of the year, I wanted to offer something that would have a significant impact on the flavor of your year so it’s more memorable… And usually, things that are memorable have to do with feelings, connection, memories and the like… The softer side of life…
To that end, I want to specifically focus on Mapping Out Experiences through the Next 90 Days. I’m sure you’ve heard that we are moving from the Information Age to the Experiences Age…
So, Mapping Out Experiences it is:
This has to do with identifying what kind of person you want to show up as in this world, and expanding your identity as necessary creating the new version of you…
This has to do with creating a master working list of experiences that help you stretch into, practice, and personify the new version of you.
This has to do with creating a seasonal, yearly or life bucket list to inspire you into new or repeat favorite experiences that bring you joy.
This has to do with identifying interest and pursuits and creating a cadence to engage in them, so they are consistently an inspiration and recharging source in your life.
This has to do with creating rituals and upgraded traditions that add more flavor, meaning and richness to your interactions and life flow…
Playing with any of the above will improve your life significantly… The key here is to pursue this in moderation yet playing full out. You don’t want to overload yourself and then end up shooting yourself on the foot because your life is so crammed that even the fun things are not enjoyable…
Once you have identified all the awesomeness you want to enrich your relationship/s and life with, then it’s time for Mapping Out Experiences.
APPLICATION: Complete the experience list/s that made your heart skip a bit when you read it. Which resonated most for you?
~ Review your list/s for the items you’d really like to experience or implement sooner than later. Mark all that apply.
~ Now go back and prioritize them becoming more selective. You want to sprinkle these into your lifestyle, not overrun it…
~ Then add one or two interests into your weekly/monthly routine following some sort of cadence.
~ Then schedule fun outings, events or other plans and experiences.
~ Finally, dust your plan with a new ritual or tradition to really take the whole thing to the next level…
Do this for the next 90 days, and keep this as part of your reset to do on a quarterly basis… And, this is how you keep creating your Best Relationship/s and Best Life… Enjoy!
Life is meant to be lived and enjoyed while we do what we are meant to do with our Journey… Make the most of it by intentionally pursuing the things that give you joy and purpose…
Wishing you all the joy, connection and love today and always…
With Much Love & Light!
PS: Complete the Relationship Enrichment Course to help you take your relationship to the next level!
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Break the impasse, be empowered, feel hopeful and inspired again
Improve your communication and deepen your understanding of each other
Change your patterns and better meet your and your partner’s needs
Enrich your connection, enhance your intimacy and truly enjoy being with each other
Strengthen your partnership, strive towards your Joint Life Vision, role model a radiant and successful relationship
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Copyright (c) 2022 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication? Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Couple Strategy™ that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly connection notes in your inbox with Personal Development and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
Do you feel like life is a struggle? Are you having a hard time in your relationship? Do you find that you can’t seem to get along with your partner? That no matter how hard you try, you just can’t seem to get on the same page?
That you can’t create and sustain connection? That you can’t make headways in creating the life you want? Do you feel stagnant, stuck, hopeless? If so, you are not alone. Unfortunately, wanting to fix your relationship is a common desire. Things might not be working right now, but they can…
You want to have an amazing life but even thinking of pursuing a Life Vision feels foreign and overwhelming. You have no clue as to where to start. And thinking about living your best life feels ridiculous when your life is a struggle every day.
When you are constantly at odds with your partner. How can you possibly think of a dream life, a dream future? You don’t even know what would be in it- it is so far removed. And if you had an inkling it really just lives in dream land…
You can’t even consider going for it as you are in mostly survival mode. Yes, you have some good days and some fun times, but in all you are just grinding and surviving. You are not alive. You are not living your best life.
You are not on the same page, feeling deeply connected and having a flowing collaboration with your partner. You are not creating your joint Life Vision every day. The concept of manifesting it together is extraterrestrial talk.
When you pause to think about your life and your relationship, it feels like life is passing you by. It feels like you are incompatible with your partner- that they don’t get you and that you don’t care to get their ridiculousness.
You deeply want to fix your relationship because every conversation and interaction ends up in a disagreement, escalation, or at minimum both feel really bad- not heard, understood, gotten, valued or cherished. You keep triggering and annoying each other, you are constantly walking on eggshells, and are running on empty.
You can count on one hand how many times you were intimate in the past couple of months or had real fun together. So then, how can you possibly have bandwidth and energy for collaborating on a joint Life Vision…
I get it – even considering a joint Life Vision is the furthest thing from your mind…
What if I told you that you can come back from this disillusioned grim place? And that the way is actually quite simple, not easy but simple?
Fixing Your Relationship
The reason it’s not easy is because we love to blame our partner for what’s wrong. We focus on who they are, how they are, what they do, and not do, and so on. This is really an epidemic. When the couples we work with are stuck, it is partially because they refuse to not focus on their partner and how they supposedly ruin things…
You see focusing on your partner and how they should change- how they should stop lying, or start apologizing, or stop yelling, or start being nice, or stop being compulsive, or start being more compassionate, and so on- is not the answer.
We can’t make people do anything, we are not inside their brain and body to make them do the things we want. We can’t demand respect, understanding and niceness. This is not how we create our radiant and successful relationship…
But what I can tell you with certainty, is that you do have control over yourself and what you do… And, that when you do something different or show up differently that your partner automatically responds in kind… A different approach invites, inspires, a different response…
This is how you create change- this is how you help your partner change… This is how you create a different relationship that is the cornerstone of creating your best life. From this place you can envision and create your joint Life Vision… Voila!
Hey, I know that this is super hard to do for different reasons. It is especially hard to make our own changes and to show up differently, when our partner is doing what they do that so hurt or annoy us… But if you want to create your best life, it needs to start with you!
You can’t keep waiting for your partner to change or to do something different. You can be waiting a very long time, and that is if you even make is as a couple… You have the power, all the power, to change your relationship for you have control over what you do and what you do creates change…
It’s up to you. Do you want this relationship to work? Do you want to create an epic love affair with your partner? Do you want to create your best life? Do you want to strive for your Life Vison jointly? Well, let’s go- you can do it!
APPLICATION: How can you possibly change your relationship by yourself? The key is in fully owning all of you and showing up with your best self, as much as you can, as often as you can…
When you do this, your awesomeness will inspire your partner (and others!) to show up better themselves– and so in actuality you are both working it at the end of the day…
But when you wait for your partner as supposed to inspiring your partner, that’s when things move super slow and they are more painful than they have to be…
So, where do you start? Start as simply as possible and that is by having awareness of your self- your triggers, your sensitivities, your scripts, your stories, your wounds, your defenses, your shadows, how you show up and what you put out, your patterns, what you love, what you desire, what gives you joy, what’s fun and exciting for you, etc. Become more aware of you and learn yourself better!
How? Start with simple mindfulness practices, journaling, being with yourself, staying open and receptive… Strengthen yourself from within…
If you are at a loss for how to do this and stay the course for better taking care of and learning yourself, and how to inspire your partner- we can help.
Take one action today to get you moving on your new track: Get a meditation app, get a new journal, schedule a Self Date, schedule an appointment with a couples therapist or other professional support, anything towards investing in yourself… Have fun!
You can do it! You can fix your relationship! Become your most radiant self and invite your partner to shine with you…
Wishing you all the joy, connection and love today and always…
With Much Love & Light!
Copyright (c) 2022 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication? Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Couple Strategy™ that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly connection notes in your inbox with Personal Development and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
Have you embraced that there is no such thing as work-life balance? Striving for this is just crazy making. But there is a better way, that of work-life integration. Where work is just as a satisfying part of your life when we fully engage in it, as it is purpose and value driven…
The dilemma still remains how do we get all the business of life done when we spend so much time at work and enjoying our personal time… The solution is in Relationship Collaboration. How you and your partner share in taking care of the business of life is the key…
For some, there might be more to all this. Where they don’t enjoy their work, don’t have a satisfying personal life, and spin their wheels managing their business of life without making much head way to boot… Yikes!
In that instance there is so much work to be done, but for this writing I’m focusing on the managing the business of life… I’ve seen couples take different approaches to sharing in the taking care of their business of life.
I have found that when couples insist on doing everything together or in one partner taking care of all their business, that they slow down their progress in creating their life vision. Worse yet, they don’t even enjoy their current life and might even have relationship issues because the relationship dynamics are skewed.
Either they are “too together” all the time where there isn’t enough healthy separateness, individuality, and independence. Or, one partner is overfunctioning and feeling overwhelmed, stretched thin, alone and resentful, and the other feels left out, intimidated, incompetent, disempowered, and not valued.
In both scenarios the partners are not tapping into the inherent synergy built into the relationship nor capitalizing on their individual strengths. They are not making the most of their partnership in life, and the relationship suffers as a result as well…
The key is to take on a divide-and-conquer and collaborative approach. Where the partners are invested in everything going on, share responsibilities by strengths, interest, and resources, have an empowering system for being in the know and staying current, and where they get to each contribute as they desire.
This approach benefits from the partners’ differences, which are usually opposite in nature giving a fuller range of strengths to the partnership as a whole. And it engages the partners fully in creating their Vision bringing more resources- bandwidth, time, focus, energy, and such to their quest.
When the partners focus on a common vision and goals, work together to achieve them using their gifts and strengths, and stay focused while having each other’s back, the result can’t be anything other than creating their best relationship and best life…
Start better dividing-and-conquering and collaborating with your partner to make your dreams come true. Upgrade your approach with a simple yet powerful Relationship Collaboration System and seamlessly create your Life Vision…
APPLICATION: Are you ready to create your Best Relationship, Best Life, and your Life Vision? This can sound daunting, but in really it can be super simple:
First – Decide you are going for it, for real… Don’t hedge. Make a decision to start going for it.
Second – Decide what you are going for and get on the same page with your Partner about it- explore and combine your Life Visions…
Third – Decide what you want to create within the next 3 – 5 years, and then narrow it down to what you want to have created within the next year.
Fourth – Start aligning everything towards that- how you spend your energy, time, bandwidth/focus, and money.
Fifth – Implement a simple Relationship Collaboration System where you embrace a divide-and-conquer approach, seamlessly share responsibilities, and have each other’s back…
Note that even though this seems easy, you might get stuck in any of the steps if you and/or your partner: Have a wobbly mindset or self-esteem, have poor communication skills and tools, have unresolved issues and patterns playing out, are not feeling so hot about each other, and your lives are a bit messy or behind in some areas…
This doesn’t mean you can’t create the relationship or life you desire. It just means that you have a little more work to do that’s all. Don’t give up before you even start. Get the support you need to keep you moving- your life depends on it…
Let’s go for our best life ever, shall we?
Wishing you all the joy, connection and love today and always…
With Much Love & Light!
Copyright (c) 2022 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication? Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Couple Strategy™ that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly connection notes in your inbox with Personal Development and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
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Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT has been in the mental health profession in varying capacities for the past 20+ years. She is the Founder and Director of metrorelationship.com a psychotherapy and coaching practice specializing in working with busy professional and entrepreneurial couples who are struggling getting on the same page and feeling connected. The work helps couples create a radiant and successful relationship and meaningful life by becoming a strong partnership and increasing their connection, intimacy, and fun. Emma is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Relationship Strategy™.
