When your life feels like it’s not working, when your relationship feels like it’s not working – have you pondered why? I’m sure you have!
The problem with this pondering that you might be doing is that you are probably focusing on the wrong things and that is why you either can’t make changes or the changes are happening SUPER slow that you can’t even tell things are changing …
Fixing your life and your relationship is not a logical exercise to be puzzled out. That approach is futile… Life and relationships don’t reside in a logical realm – they reside in an experiential realm. What is missing from your life and relationship is not a nicer car, or better treatment from your partner, or whatever you claim you are missing. What is missing from your life and relationship is YOU!
Once you start showing up to your life and relationship, things change instantaneously. Decisions are easier to make, doors open up, serendipity happens, grace is bestowed upon you. Things are easy. Can you imagine that!? Things are easier…
Stop blaming your past mistakes and deficiencies, your parents, your boss, your partner. It is time that You show up!
Showing-up means:
Getting in touch with and understanding your feelings (not your thoughts!) -your emotions… And, sharing them
Tracing back your emotions to unmet needs and responsibly, appropriately, responsively, mindfully, intentionally addressing them
Diligently working on getting needs met by making small, quantifiable, behavior change requests or nurturing gestures of significant others, especially your partner, to touch hurt feelings
Focus on getting emotional needs met… Practical needs follow…
Getting support and assistance in this journey – it is a challenge to get in touch with our Authentic Self and bringing it out to play
Expanding your circle of loved, or at least liked, ones
Sharing your opinion even if it’s unpopular
Showing your quirkiness and idiosyncrasies even in the face of possible rejection
Showing up to interactions and being present – increasing opportunities for interacting
Exploring interests and actively pursuing, incorporating, them into your lifestyle
Taking measured risks and consistent action to create the life and relationship you want
If you don’t show up to your life and relationship – you don’t really have a life or relationship to complain about!! Take a risk – start showing up – I’m sure you’ll be liked, approved of, and you’ll be at least good enough …
If You Need Help with your Relationship Enrichment – Contact Us Today!
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
Is being with your spouse, partner, for decades the definition of a successful relationship? Is it raising awesome children? Is it having financial resources, a beautiful home? Is it having our partner do stuff for us? Is it having independence? Is it being together and doing everything together?
How else do some of us measure our progress in life and the success of our relationship? How close are we to what it truly means to us to have a Successful Relationship with the way we usually measure it?
By pondering these and similar questions we can tune in to how our focus might be off when assessing the state of our relationship and our bond with our partner. If we measure the wrong thing, we work on achieving or changing the wrong thing… Hence the state of dissatisfaction a lot of partners find themselves in. This can be likened to “leaning the ladder against the wrong wall” in the corporate world…
So, then, what is a Successful Relationship?
My working definition of a Successful Relationship is a relationship in which the partners:
Own themselves fully, are accountable for themselves, and have integrity – they can be trusted
Are synchronized, aligned and attuned to each other
Fully accept each other with warts and all, and cherish each other’s uniqueness and idiosyncrasies
Are responsive of each other’s needs and are mindful to not trigger each other
Make amends and repair when and injury is experienced
Safely share their internal worlds including their emotions; they are open and curious about each other
Foster closeness and togetherness while balancing staying true to themselves and maintaining their individuality
Are interdependent (not dependent, independent or codependent…)
Pursue their own evolution and support it in their partner
Bring their Authentic Selves to their interactions
Support each other’s values, wishes, and goals
Tap into their relationship’s inherent synergy
And, the key ingredients to a lasting, satisfying and rewarding relationship include:
Respect
Loyalty
Understanding
Acceptance
Support
Partnership
Attention
Appreciation
Presence
Responsiveness
Empathy
Compassion
Mindfulness
Closeness / Emotional Intimacy
Nurturing, TLC
Companionship
Affection
Physical Intimacy, Consistent / Frequent Sexual Activity
Intention
Investment
Stimulation
The key to creating a successful relationship lies in us minding what we are contributing to the relationship – good and bad. Sometimes even the good is bad… For example, if we are too nice, too helpful, too supportive, too available, too organized, etc.
In our assessment of what we are contributing, we have to watch for the impact of our contribution. Is it enhancing and enriching our interactions and our overall relationship? Or, is it keeping our dynamics stuck and our relationship, and life, stagnant?
Remember the 80/20 rule: When dissatisfied, in conflict, or troubled – the issue is %80 about you and %20 about your partner… Read that again and assimilate it… When you focus on addressing your %80, and by the time you are done, the other %20 barely matter…
How do you create a Successful Relationship? You do your own work, mind your %80, and be nice to your partner…
Pick a couple of ingredients you want to add to your relationship and start adding them to the mix!
Happy Succeeding!
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
The hecticness and speediness of today’s pace of life makes it challenging for partners to synchronize, connect and bond. Add to this each partner’s limitations and the journey to Intimacy can feel pretty daunting. It’s no wonder partners don’t know how to be intimate in their marriage, relationship.
When partners are struggling in their relationship, their preferences for intimacy usually polarize. One partner wants closeness and togetherness to what appears the exclusion of any individually, and the other wants space and individuality to what appears the exclusion of any togetherness.
This polarization becomes so pervasive, painful and stuck that the partners struggle with feeling understood, important, special, and loved. As they continue to power struggle over getting their own way, getting their needs met, they get more and more stuck and their approach at this is disruptive to the relationship.
Their attempts at breaking the impasse, is primitive, defensive and reactive. They end up making boundary injuries, attachment disruptions, and connection raptures in the relationship and impacting their and their partner’s self esteem, power, energy, and general self agency.
There are a few key elements needed for making intimacy safer and, therefore, easier to cultivate:
Practice Availability – synchronize your calendars and routines! This goes a long way in making you each at least physically available to each other. Proximity promotes closeness. Then take it a step further and actively decide how you want to positively and intimately relate to your partner during this opportunity. Think how to be positive, complimentary, nurturing, giving, supportive, and accepting.
Practice Healthy Boundaries – own your Self and not your partner! When you focus on what you are contributing to a situation and work on changing any negative aspects or impact of that instead of focusing on how much your partner stinks, you empower your Self and create a safer situation for your partner to own themselves, step up to the plate… Be patient with this.
You might be doing alright with your end, but it might take your partner a little longer to catch on…
Practice Integrity – be accountable! When you give your word, make a promise, it’s your turn, say you’ll do something, owe something, borrowed something, break something, have responsibilities…, and you are needed make sure you show up. Always keep your end of the bargain, be true to your word, get your partner’s back. This builds respect, security, and trust.
Practice “Love” – determine your Love Languages! Give love to your partner the way they like to receive love, not the way you like to receive it. The Love Languages include: Touch & Physical Intimacy, Words of Acknowledgement & Praise, Acts of Service, Spending Time Together, and Gifts. Hone in on the top two for each and let that guide how you give to each other.
Practice Sharing – make it deeper! Share, share, share. Be smart about your sharing. I’m not suggesting that you share everything. I’m suggesting that you Share… Share about your day and things that were important, significant or had an impact. Share the silly stuff too – just for kicks.
But, most importantly, share the good stuff – your dreams, hopes, expectations, fears, emotions, thoughts, outlooks, perspectives – your mind, your internal world… Share from your Right Brain – your feelings and experiences (not from your left which is all brainy, cognitive, logical – there is no connection to be had from that place!).Don’t use talking about problems, complaints or others as a distraction…
Practice Selving – be intimate with your Self! When you are not in touch with your Self, how can you possibly be in intimately in touch with someone else? When your life or relationship feels like it’s lacking something, what is lacking is YOU… As you try to enhance your intimacy with your partner, add being intimate with your Self to your repertoire:
Journal, meditate, explore your values, needs, wishes, preferences, what floats your boat, make time to be with your Self, take on activities you enjoy, plan fun into your schedule and stick with it, have more work-life balance, nurture and pamper your Self, practice Extreme Self Care…
Practice Presence – make sure you show up! Bring your Authentic Self to interactions, time together and especially to special moments. Hold on to your true sentiments in a safe, respectful and responsive way while inviting your partner to do the same. You don’t have to agree on everything. Just understand, get, accept and cherish each other’s idiosyncrasies and Selves.
Practice Compassion – you are both perfect just the way you are! Accept your Self and your partner with warts and all. You are both magnificent. Let go of control, manipulation, passive-aggressiveness, shame and outcomes. Be with what is. Surround your Self with brilliance and love and consistently send your partner Love and positive intentions…
Keep this list handy for when you are feeling lost on how to proceed with your partner, feeling down, alone or deprived, or when you feel like adding a little something more to your relationship… Cultivate and build intimacy in your relationship today!
Happy Cultivating!
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
We hear all the time that having boundaries is a must for healthy living and happiness in relationship. The only glitch is that a lot of people don’t have the slightest idea about boundaries, never mind about setting them appropriately.
I find that couples who struggle and come in for therapy, have severe boundary issues. They are all over their partner and not aware of how they contribute to their repeating negative patterns of relating and dissatisfying dynamics. These partners are waiting for their partner to change. They think that if their partner changes, everything will be OK and they’ll finally be happy. I tell them: “Good luck with that, you’ll be waiting a long time”…
When partners do this, they are disempowering themselves and each other. They put all their focus on the other, which they CAN NOT control no matter what they believe … instead of focusing on how they need to heal, stretch, change, grow, evolve … When this happens change, progress and movement can’t take place and the relationship feels stuck, stagnant or chaotic. It is a very unhappy place for all!
About Boundaries (borrowed from “Boundaries” by Cloud and Townsend):
Types of boundaries – Skin, words, truth, geographical distance, time, emotional distance, other people, consequences
Contained by boundaries – Feelings, attitudes and beliefs, behaviors, choices, values, limits, talents, thoughts, desires, love
Problems with boundaries – Saying “yes” to the bad, saying “no” to the good, not respecting others’ boundaries, boundary injuries, not hearing the needs of others
Setting Healthy Boundaries:
Own your self, don’t own others – You can’t tell someone else how to be, what to feel, think, do, need, etc. and you can’t let others tell you …
Hold your position – Responsively, mindfully and responsibly stand by your beliefs, needs, convictions, etc. Don’t blow with the wind, be a door mat, or a push over. Don’t be rigid either …
State your thoughts and feelings – Express your self fully with authenticity, without manipulation, strings attached, or attachment to results and outcome …
Get your needs met – Mind how you express requests for getting your needs met in terms of timing, tone, clarity, specificity, doability, etc. … Do express your needs and need for help or assistance. Needing help does not make you weak, it facilitates your growth …
Appropriate structure – Set clear expectations, routines, systems, communication, roles, responsibilities, resources, etc. to keep things clean, effective, healthy, harmonious, and harmonious …
Set other’s up for cooperation – Give options for others to choose from that you can live with when making decisions, enlisting help, making plans, etc. …
The bottom line is to mind and live in one’s world, not the other’s, and share, visit, each other’s world for intimacy. Build and share your world!
Happy Boundary Setting!
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Copyright (c) 2020 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
At the beginning of a new year we usually set New Year’s Resolutions or set goals for the upcoming year. I’m not a strong believer of Resolutions, as I’m sure a lot of you are not as well. I don’t believe in them, because they are like hats with nowhere to be hang. They are difficult to stick with because they are superficial commitments not grounded in a larger context, value system or mental shift. That’s why I prefer Goals and Intentions.
Whatever you focus your positive energy you’ll see movement, progress and growth. It has been proven that successful people set goals and faithfully pursue them. They achieve and create the life they want.
When we set goals we tend to focus on individual personal dreams, or work, professional or business related items. Unless one is really into setting goals, has a coach or is very ambitious and organized, other areas of one’s life usually don’t get attention during this process. I want to invite you to change this and put positive energy into your Relationship area as well.
What we focus on grows, evolves. We want to place positive focus and attention into our Relationship and interactions with our partner to create the Dream Relationship we want with our partner. Most partners look for what is wrong with their relationship, how their needs are not met, and how their partner was jerky today.
They have a pretty well developed radar for these things, and when prompted they have no problem sharing a litany of complaints. We do not want to do this. This is a sure way to undermine our relationship, beat up our partner, rapture our connection and be thoroughly dissatisfied in our love life.
Instead, we need to focus on nurturing and enriching our relationship with positive energy and attention for it to be what we want it to be.
1) Dream (dream): Set some time aside with your partner to share your wishes and dreams for your relationship – review these relationship areas: Communication, Intimacy, Sexuality, Fun, and Partnership/Support
2) Deepen (vision): Discuss how you would like each area to be: How would it feel, look, sound, taste, smell? What emotions would it create?
3) Capture (goals): After you have shared your ideas, create a sentence for each area that captures what you discussed.
4) Ground (tasks): Then for each of the areas clarify how you will make that statement come true. Pick one action for each area to implement this week. Here are some ideas:
Communication: how often and how to touch base daily, when to have more meaningful conversations, how to stay current, how to address concerns and issues, what hot (trigger) words to avoid, when to take a breather, promise to stay respectful …
Intimacy: sharing daily happenings, sharing thoughts and feelings, sharing dreams and wishes, setting time aside to be together, synchronizing schedules and routines, making joint plans, sharing personal / professional goals …
Sexuality: how often to have sex, what kind of sex to have, preferences, expanding the repertoire, attending to different body, gender and personal needs and wishes, creating a sensual haven in the bedroom, how else to be physically connected (affection, touch, etc.) …
Fun: what kind of fun to have, expanding the repertoire of fun things to do, trying new things, expanding couple circle of friends, scheduling dates and getaways, joining teams, clubs, or other organized groups together, working out together, starting a joint hobby or project …
Partnership: create a joint calendar to get and stay on the same page, set life goals and create systems to achieve them, assign household chores and other responsibilities by skill and preference, tweak routines and household flow to support each other’s needs …
5) Empower (fuel): When you are done, close your eyes, take a deep couple of breaths letting out any fear, concern, ambivalence, resistance… Letting in love, acceptance, understanding, compassion, patience, strength, resolution… Send your body the message that it’s Ok to be in an intimate connection with your partner… Take another deep breath… Send your partner, and the Universe, the Intention to stay available, safe, supportive, and connected with your partner today and through out the year…
Happy New Year!
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
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Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT has been in the mental health profession in varying capacities for the past 20+ years. She is the Founder and Director of metrorelationship.com a psychotherapy and coaching practice specializing in working with busy professional and entrepreneurial couples who are struggling getting on the same page and feeling connected. The work helps couples create a radiant and successful relationship and meaningful life by becoming a strong partnership and increasing their connection, intimacy, and fun. Emma is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Relationship Strategy™.
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