When we are really frustrated at our partner and become crazy in our interaction with them, in real life or in our mind…, we lose sight of our Self, our partner and our relationship. We instead get mired in a sea of reactivity, and therefore pain.
We are not doing anyone any good by getting to this state. This state, thoughts and feelings, is just a reactive experience of a specific set of neurons firing in our brain. This is not who we are. This is not who are partner is. This is not our relationship. This is just some in the moment chemistry.
We usually base our whole experience on what we think and feel – yet these thoughts and feelings do not define us. When we are finally able to grasp this concept and apply it to our Being, we are able to experience more peace and love. For in recognizing that our brain has triggered a sequence that is reactive, and not defining or definitive, we become observers of our process.
In so doing, we achieve a reflective distance (detachment) that allows us to become responsible for our thoughts, feelings, and actions. This is an empowered, responsive state. From this state, we can choose how to Be.
When this is done consistently, we actually rewire our brain, self soothe (regulate), and heal. We integrate our faculties and become higher functioning and more empathic. We experience less symptoms and dissatisfaction, and are able to better and more deeply connect with the world around us.
Imagine that every time you get aggravated with your partner, you are able to move into a reflective distance and recognize your reactivity. Imagine, you then see your process and understand how you were triggered. This understanding allows you to approach the situation from a different angle, to respond, and work with what is in front of you.
You are able to invite cooperation from your partner, get your needs met, and get a favorable outcome for both of you. You can cocreate a wonderful peaceful and loving relationship. Give it a try, reflectively distance from your partner. Happy Reflecting!! ~ Your MetroRelationship™Assignment
Have a discussion with your partner about one of their actions that triggered you. Discuss it from a reflective distance and responsive state. Share where their actions took you, the pain involved, and your related needs around the pain. Invite your partner to do the same.
Copyright (c) 2010-2014 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
Even the most healthy, satisfying and rewarding relationship has stuff that gets on our nerves. As nobody is perfect, the way we are in relationship with our partner and what we put in our in-between (the space between the two partners that represents the relationship) is also less than perfect. This imperfection causes us frustration, angst, disillusionment, and pain.
Our relating and our in-between is made up of behaviors, attitudes, values, habits, perspectives, wishes, expectations, etc.
The more our behaviors are less than nurturing and supportive, our attitudes are negative, our values are misaligned, our habits are unhealthy and unproductive, are perspectives negate one another’s, our wishes clash, and our expectations are intrusive, the more challenging the interactions, more vulnerable the relationship, and more tenuous our connection and satisfaction with our partner.
It is imperative that we are mindful of what we bring to our interaction with our partner and what we put in our in-between!
Even though we are not perfect, we can endeavor to become and bring to our relationship a better us. It is our responsibility to look good for our partner, be nurturing and giving, put our best self forward, keep our side of the street clean, own ourselves, share, process and negotiate perspectives, wishes, and expectations, invite our partner to create a joint vision and manifest our dreams.
Partners have a tendency to worry about what and how much the other brings to the relationship. They are other focused and try to create a satisfying relationship by telling the other how to be and what to do. They then find their partner either becoming a hail-storm or a tortoise (hiding in their shell).
They try to manage this by doing more of the same – controlling and manipulating their partner! Stop telling your partner how to be and what to do and start minding how you are being and what you are doing – you only have control over you.
Take a peek at how you relate and what you put in your in-between and identify the stuff that is detrimental to you, your partner, your interactions and your connection. Anything you do or bring to an interaction and your in-between that raptures your connection has to go. It is time to spring clean your relationship!
Happy Spring Cleaning!
~ Your MetroRelationship™Assignment
Ask your partner for three things about how you are in the relationship that they don’t particularly appreciate or that is painful to them. Choose one and toss it (or change it)!
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
We are extremely powerful creatures created in God’s semblance. As we are all universally interconnected as energy and matter in the physical universe, we are omnipresent (present everywhere), omniscient (all knowing), omnipotent (all powerful) and we are Love itself. Now that is powerful.
Grasping this concept has huge implications for our relationship. This means that we are not separate from our partner. This means our partner can’t leave us (pursuer’s fear) or swallow us up (distancer’s fear) because we are connected – we are One.
This means that if we own are magnificence, that if we transcend the illusion, compulsion, egotism of being separate, that we can finally tap into our wholeness, into all of our power, into Love itself. What a glorious way to be!
Your negative thoughts of your partner affect your partner and bring your partner down, as they do you because you are One. Your neglect of your self hurts your partner. Your abuse of yourself abuses your partner. Your not using your full self in your life holds both of you back. Your not showing up to an interaction with your partner means you are not showing up to your self.
When you feel agitated, panicky, anxious, raging, depressed, sad, powerless – your partner feels it. When you are scary in your mind but try to be nice to your partner – you still frighten your partner. When you can’t soothe or contain yourself – you are spilling onto your partner even if they are across the globe.
When you are acting out and are reactive – you hurt both of you. When you shut down to your partner you also shutdown to your self. When you numb your feelings, your partner can’t feel you. And, vice versa. You can create a pretty nasty cycle with these.
Therefore, you are going to stop thinking separate. You are going to be ongoingly mindful of your Oneness and take care of it. You are going to stop thinking ill of your partner and yourself and beating your selves up.
You are going to contain and soothe your self, and care for and nurture your self and your partner. You are going to start doing this today – your relationship, your lives, and the universe depend on it! Embrace your full glory – transcend to Oneness! Happy Transcending!
~ Your MetroRelationship™Assignment Focus on the qualities and attributes you enjoy about your partner. Notice your partner’s attempts at giving, nurturing and connecting. Appreciate your partner’s efforts. Notice your partner’s pain. Empathize. Practice understanding and compassion towards your partner. It goes a long way…
Copyright (c) 2009-2014 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
Do you find that your relationship and life appear to be on pause? Do you feel like you’ve been in a hamster’s wheel? Does it feel like you are always back to square one, like you can’t get ahead, like life is passing you by? Does it feel like your relationship is not going anywhere? This is a very common feeling in some people’s lives and their relationship. This is experiencing Inertia.
Inertia is stuck energy that results from built-up resentment and anger, unspoken truths and unaddressed shame. This is the black hole that sucks up all your energy and resources – your very life. This is the antithesis of growth and healing. It behooves us to have the guts to open up and share our fears and vulnerabilities.
It behooves us to share our secrets. It behooves us to speak our mind, address our concerns, and get our needs met for if we don’t we are throwing our life away.
It takes courage to identify the source of our discomfort, discontent and pain. It takes greater courage to hold it, share it and address it. This is no easy feat. The challenge is that the status quo, as dissatisfying as it might be, is actually easier to deal with.
Changing patterns, growing and healing require work, consistent and dedicated work. The situation could be likened to a rubber band – you can stretch it but it always goes back. Only until it passes a critical point, where it gives, does it stay stretched.
The hint of the day is to keep at it and not to be discouraged when old patterns show up. Rome was not built in a day. The consistent effort will ensure that the changes sought happen and stick – for once placed in their new framework they will remain.
In the midst of all this work lurks ambivalence, uncertainty, fear, and pain; but if you are one of the lucky ones that can see the big picture, for you there is also elation, strength, and hope for you see the possibilities.
The transition from being stuck to living your authentic life is laborious, treacherous and full of snares. Transcend this and experience the promise of what is to come. Focus on the possibilities. Envision what you deserve and so it shall be.
Happy Stretching & Growing!
~ Your MetroRelationship™Assignment
As you start owning your Self and your life, and start holding your own and addressing concerns with loved ones, you will encounter resistance from your Self and others. This is the time to be gentle and caring to your Self, and responsively and lovingly hold your ground. Put a lot of self care in place for your Self and your relationship.
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
We are asked and begged to be Mindful by our partner. More often than not we hear their plea as a complaint or criticism. We do not recognize their cry for connection and love. This is because they might not have the language or know how to ask us to be in connection with them.
They might instead indeed complain that we are not around, too busy, distracted, controlling, demanding, etc. But all they are saying is, “I can’t feel you. Please show the real you to me.”
Wow! Can you imagine our partner actually asking the real us to show up to our interactions! We might not know how to respond to that. Do we know who the real us is? If our partner is complaining that we are not available, however they do that, then they have experienced a disconnect with us and are having a relationship with our Defense Mechanisms. Ugly! Not for nothing they are complaining.
Pay attention to what is behind your partner’s complaint. Whether they appear to be asking for togetherness or space, underneath it all is the need to feel understood, gotten, connected and loved. Go figure!
Pay attention to how you are approaching your partner and how you are responding to their request for connection. Are you relating with your Defense Mechanism and not your true self? When we operate from our defense mechanism place we are not very attractive.
Pay attention to what you are bringing forth. Is this how you would describe yourself as a person? Is this what you would put on your resume? Is this what you want on your eulogy? It is unfortunate that we do not put our best foot forth in our relationship. We do not give of our true self and show the real us in our relationship. We are short changing ourselves and our partner!
Notice and welcome the invitation to show up to your relationship. Give a positive RSVP to being Mindful and Present in your relationship. Stop squandering yourself by Doing and channel your Being into your relating. Be with your partner. Get a chance to experience exhilaration and joy!
Happy Being!!
~ Your MetroRelationship™Assignment
It is time to decide to be Mindful. Your life and relationship depend on it. Explore this concept with your partner and choose one behavior each that you will do to start Being more Present in your relationship.
Copyright (c) 2008-2014 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
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Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT has been in the mental health profession in varying capacities for the past 20+ years. She is the Founder and Director of metrorelationship.com a psychotherapy and coaching practice specializing in working with busy professional and entrepreneurial couples who are struggling getting on the same page and feeling connected. The work helps couples create a radiant and successful relationship and meaningful life by becoming a strong partnership and increasing their connection, intimacy, and fun. Emma is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Relationship Strategy™.
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