Unfortunately I get to see how partners get in their own way when trying to create connection and intimacy with each other. I can hear the noise in their head. I can see the wheels turning. I can see the gears grinding. I can see the squirrels running around, some even holding on to nuts for posterity… I can see the wreckage. I can see the black hole. I can see their pain.
If there was a device I could put on to see in their head, I would get these images. But wait, there is a device that can see in our heads, that measures brain activity…
Brain scans show images of certain parts of the brain lit up according to our self-torture predispositions… Certain parts of the brain get more activated than others for each of us, which give a certain flavor to our struggle or MO: Love and Depression (Deep Limbic System) – Moodiness, irritability, increased negative thinking and perception of events, decreased motivation, social isolation, decreased/increased sexual responsiveness.
Anxiety and Fear (Basal Ganglia) – Anxiety, nervousness, panic attacks, tendency to predict the worst, conflict avoidance, headaches, low/excessive motivation
Inattention and Impulsivity (Prefrontal Cortex) – Short attention span, distractibility, lack of perseverance, impulse control problems, hyperactivity, chronic lateness, poor time management, disorganization, procrastination, unavailability of emotions, misperceptions, poor judgment, trouble learning from experience, short-term memory problems, social and test anxiety.
Worry and Obsessiveness (Cingulate System) – Worrying, holding on to hurts from the past, getting stuck on thoughts (obsessions), getting stuck on behaviors (compulsions), oppositional behavior, argumentativeness, uncooperativeness, tendency to say no automatically, addictive behaviors (alcohol or drug abuse, eating disorders, etc.), chronic pain, and cognitive inflexibility.
Memory and Temper (Temporal Lobes) – [left lobe] Aggression (internally or externally directed), dark or violent thoughts, sensitivity to slights, mild paranoia, word-finding problems, auditory processing problems, reading difficulties, emotional instability. [right lobe] Difficulty recognizing facial expressions, difficulty decoding vocal intonation, implicated in social-skill struggles.
Nobody has a perfect brain. Nobody was raised (parented) perfectly that their brain wired itself perfectly. As you may know we develop, our brain evolves and our personality is organized, according to our interactions and experiences growing up. We also have genetic predispositions of course. These create our unique brain with its own sensitivities and ingrained neuron firing patterns that inform how we show up on a daily basis.
When we understand that our brain and our mind are running the show on autopilot and from previous unapproved programming (if we haven’t done sufficient personal development work), we finally understand that we are living a life and relationship by default… We are living our human experience in reactive mode, with blinders on and banging into the walls around us.
While at the mercy of our raw brain and mind, we get hang up on how we see interactions with our partner and their MO. We focus on how they are showing up…
This is the doom approach to our relationship, first because this is a boundary transgression. Second, because we use dirty lenses to filter interactions flowing already from psychological defenses and brain-activity byproducts… In other words, our interactions are littered with unconscious and reactive processes. Partners take this at face value and think that what they see is who their partner is…
What’s showing up in our interactions though is not who we are… What’s showing up in our interactions is an automatic program that we didn’t purposefully install and that is running on a glitchy or outdated operating system. These are foibles of our human condition.
These riddle our experience with uneasiness and struggle. We have to remember that we are Spiritual Beings having a human experience. That the real us is obstructed by this mechanics; our brilliance, our essence is muffled. Without launching into a philosophical and existential presentation now, suffice it to say that if we focus solely on what’s in front of our face that we are completely missing the boat.
How do we make sure we are not left behind…? We need to take charge of our own brain and mind. How do we take charge of our brain and mind? We need to implement and stick to a mindfulness practice. A mindfulness practice can take on all kinds of forms – do not worry that you can’t meditate!
Mindfulness practices calm the mind and by extension soothe the brain. In the soothing we actually rewire the brain by triggering different neuron firing patterns. Thus, we alleviate the sensitive areas that are on overdrive. We improve the function of our go-to areas getting better gas mileage.
We integrate all parts of the brain, gaining access to areas we usually don’t access. We improve our overall functioning, health and wellbeing including increasing our vibrational frequency. The investment required to integrate a mindfulness practice into our overall self-care practice is minimal in comparison to the gargantuan benefits we gain. This is gaining benefits on steroids!
Boundary setting and getting needs met: A great boundary is to implement and safeguard your self-care practice, even from yourself! Implement a robust self-care practice that includes things like me-time, fitness, restorative sleep, healthy-conscious-eating, and such and of course mindfulness activities into your routine. Mindfulness activities include things like: prayer, visualization, affirmations, journaling, etc.
All these have meditative properties. Meditation does not have to take on the traditional monk-form we usually think of when we think of meditation. Coloring, knitting, running, swimming, dancing have meditative properties. The trick is not to focus on the thinking but to focus on something else like breathing, feelings, a point on the wall, the movement of waves or beautiful scenery.
Men and women have different meditative experiences and preferences (no surprise there, what do we do and like the same?!).
Men look for the stillness and emptiness… Women look for the flow and connection/love… We can use this to experiment with different types of meditation styles or activities. The goal is to quite the mind… A mistake people make when trying to meditate is focus on not thinking which creates more thinking… So, leave your thoughts alone and focus on something else.
Also, take into consideration what type of brain sensitivities you have and select meditative practices that work with your type of brain. Knowing and working with how you are wired, and understanding your partner from this vantage point, is a huge help in better understanding interactions and for more effortlessly getting on the same page.
As you rewire yourself with mindfulness practice and intentionality in your life, the easier life and your relationship become. Trust me, give mindfulness a whirl!
Complete the MetroRelationship™ Assignment below to help you effortlessly implement this, make changes and immediately start experiencing your awesome and radiant relationship, and authentic and meaningful life…
Happy Minding!
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
Partners look at what they contribute to their joint life as what they contribute to their relationship. These things usually include earnings and taking care of the family and home. But, what would you say you contribute to the relationship if you couldn’t include these?
How do you invest in becoming a better partner? How do you nurture your partner? How do you nurture the relationship? How do you invest in feeling each other and creating intimacy? How do you invest in enjoying each other?
What happens in romantic relationships is that initially we show up with our best Self, work at learning each other, enjoy the essence of each other, and please each other. We invest in caring and showing care for the other. We invest in making plans, in our appearance, in surprising the other, in getting thoughtful gifts, in being interesting, etc.
What happens as we become more committed? What happens after the conquest is over? What happens after we settle in? Aside from the infatuation phase being over where the cold hard reality of who are partner really is settles in (beginning the power-struggle phase of our relationship…), what happens now is that we settle into domesticity… Domesticity is the killer of attraction, desire and passion.
Domesticity means we turned into a domestic partnership, usually also including parenting. When we are in our domestic and parenting roles, we cannot also be in our couplehood and romantic roles. The couple gets lost in the domestic world…
The intimacy required to sustain the couple withers away triggering the partners and making them resentful, which adds fuel to the already activated power-struggle. When we lack connection and don’t feel like a strong unit, our defenses are heightened to protect us and create emotional security. Being in a partnership but not feeling connected and united is more scary than being alone.
For when we are alone, we rely on ourselves and that’s it. We know we got it. When in partnership we depend on the other being there… We try to be a team player, but the team is poorly established. The positions are not assigned, the rules of the game are not defined, and we don’t know if we are even on the same team… We play to win a game that is doomed to fail… This is completely frustrating and exhausting!
Our job is to clearly define our roles, expectations, rules, game plan, etc. so we play on the same teamto win the game. This means making sure you don’t ignore the Couple. This means you invest in the domestic side of life, but also in nurturing your partner and your relationship. This is where the magic happens. You can’t take your eyes off the ball!
> Boundary setting and getting needs met:
When partners move into this domestic relationship and ignore their intimacy and emotional needs, they try to meet those through domesticity… This is only a Band-Aid and actually a set up for additional frustration. This gives the illusion of closeness and connection.
The power-struggle rears its ugly head when trying to force a square peg in a circular whole to get needs met… Domestic issues are used to try to meet emotional needs while using our different worldviews, personality, brains, etc. This does not work. We’ll continue to hit our head against the wall as long as we continue this approach…
The solution is to treat your partner as the Love of your life. Not at the admin/maid or financer of your life. The shift in focus allows us to romance and nurture our partner. It allows us to be intimate, and get our emotional cup filled. It allows us to take care of the Couple. From here our partner is our Partner. From here the partnership can take on anything, including all the domesticity needed with no repercussion to the Selves.
It is time to give your partner care and attention – as if you were still dating (not from their circle!)… Make this part of your MO – perpetually date your partner!
Complete the MetroRelationship™ Assignment below to help you effortlessly implement this, make changes and immediately start experiencing your awesome and radiant relationship, and authentic and meaningful life…
Happy Dating!
~ Your MetroRelationship™Assignment
Identify where you cross boundaries in your relationship.
If in doubt, ask your partner… Be ready to receive the feedback, and be grateful for it. Don’t take it as a criticism, it’s just feedback to help you in your evolution…
Do NOT give your partner unsolicited direct or indirect feedback. It is not your job to be their teacher… Your job is to learn from the feedback you get…
Understand how you are crossing boundaries, and what need you are trying to meet. Clean up how you show up, and try a different approach to get your needs met.
Add this to your Tool Kit…
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
Romance is not just for Valentine’s Day! Romance adds spice, texture and color to life. Unfortunately, most of us don’t utilize this much in our life and relationship. We get too comfortable and busy… This is probably one of the hardest muscle to exercise unless you are in the dating world, and even then you might feel challenged.
I hear all the time from my single clients (yes, I do also work with single persons and individuals on attracting love and having an awesome relationship) how difficult it is to figure out what would tickle another person.
The thing is they go about this from an egocentric approach. They wonder how they’ll get their soul mate, and get their needs met… And, partners in relationship wonder the same thing, How can they turn their partner into their soul mate! Of course they don’t go consciously about it this way, but this is their end game. To say that this is the wrong approach is obviously an understatement.
Therefore, I will show you how to exercise your romance muscle to help you attract your “soul mate” if you are dating and help you tickle your partner if you are in a relationship. Ready?
So, the goal is not really to find your “soul mate” and obviously not to turn your partner into your soul mate.
The goal is to become soul mate material! Yes, take a second to digest that… This journey is not about finding or having the right person but about Being the right person, Being YOU… For when you are you, you will attract and create awesomeness…
How do you measure up in the Being Fabulous department? Yes, at your core you are fabulous, but are you owning your fabulousness? Or are you walking around with defense mechanisms and less than attractive qualities that actually repel others, including your partner? This is where it all starts, with you. When you show up with your fabulous Self all else is a walk in the park.
Here is to empowering you, to bringing out your swag, and to exercising your romantic muscle to dazzle your partner, or love interest, and sweep them off their feet:
Blessing Tokens™ – Choose a beautiful bowl (whatever is beautiful to you pending on your gender and style) to hold your tokens. Capture the Blessings in your life in writing on the tokens: index cards, cardboard, paper, stickies without the sticky part, construction paper, wood blocks, tiles, stones, etc.
You can make them as fancy as you like. And add them to your bowl to display. Create extra blank tokens to keep adding blessings. Everyday, pick and read a token to activate the gratefulness center of your brain… and to be reminded of the abundance in your life. Post pics of your finished product (#blessingtokens). I would love to see it, feel free to tag me.
Soulful Dates™ – On the first Sunday of the month, pick two hours per week where you get to have special “Me Time.” Block off the time and make arrangements to have this time honored.
During this time, read an inspiring book or listen to inspiring programs or other audio material, attend a prayer group, meditate, attend a religious service, do yoga, get a massage or other body treatment, tinker with your plants or in your garden, journal, do any other self growth and development, spiritual or self care activity that nurtures and replenishes you. Would love to hear about your Soulful Dates – tweet me at @emmakviglucci (#soulfuldate)!
Brilliance Infusion™– Every morning before you start your day, select an empowering descriptive characteristic that you’d like to embrace for the day. Create a positive affirmation with it to keep as a running mantra in your head throughout the day. Infuse your brain with your Brilliance.
For example, Alluring – “I am magnetic, passionate, and inviting. I attract and create amazing experiences with my partner.” Share your Infusion and inspire others! (#brillianceinfusion)
Swag Board™– You can have a ton of fun with this one. Create a Vision Board, or you can use a Pinterest Board (look me up)!, to assemble images that represent Swag to you. These can include outfits you like, shoes, accessories, hobbies and interests, hair cuts and styles, sunglasses, decorative items for your home, special outing or place to visit, art, fancy cars and other toys, people you admire, etc.
Anything that if you had it or emulated would make you feel cool. Experiment, get your juices flowing, and grab your Style! Sit with your Style as if you already have it. Feel your Swag. Bring that feeling to your day, everyday! (#swagboard)
Tickle Box™ – This is an incubator where you get to generate the connection, the fun, the romance, the experiences… Find a box that talks to you. It can be rustic, it can be frilly. You can grab a shoebox and decorate it. Cover it with newspaper or satin fabric. This is your box, give it your personality.
Or, you can make a virtual “box”! Use this box to collect sexy and romantic ideas and resources like trendy restaurants, perfect gifts, ultimate experiences, songs, delightful treats, great websites, activities, outings, whatever grabs your fancy. This is your fun, excitement, and romance generating box.
The more you put in, the more you’ll get out. This is your go to place to create awesome energy and for creating romance. Do share the treasures you find! (#ticklebox)
Use these tools to get in touch with your Self, to bring your Fabulous Self out to play, to create your brand of swag and blow your partner away with your brilliance and awesomeness. Have them coming back for more!
Complete the MetroRelationship™ Assignment below to help you effortlessly implement this, make changes and immediately start experiencing your awesome relationship, and Authentic Life… What did you love about this post? Please share your takeaways below! Happy Dazzling! ~ Your MetroRelationship™Assignment
Plan a romantic gesture for this weekend for your partner regardless of Valentine’s Day: Bake a heart shaped cake Cook their favorite meal Wear that outfit they love… Put on something sexy and invite them to play… Get a special treat outside your traditional chocolate.
Get a ravishing bouquet of flowers outside your traditional roses Make a bouquet of flowers (check out Pinterest for ideas!) Send them on a scavenger hunt that ends up with you as the price… Write them a poem Give the a list of 10 Things You Love About Them Dedicate a song to them Name a star after them Plan a date in front of your fireplace … Get your creative juices going… Have a Romantic Weekend! Add this to your Tool Kit…
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
It is not uncommon for partners to feel bored, stale, empty, disconnected and cranky. When this is not attended to it festers and creates more difficulties in the relationship. Partner’s start to wonder about the solidity of the relationship, their commitment to it and how much they want to actually be with their partner.
I want to give a warning here that temporary or superficial disconnects, boredom and funk can feel like true dissatisfaction with the relationship and the partner. The whole thing doesn’t have to be chucked until real and appropriate attempts at reconnecting have been tried. Most of these relationships could have made it only if enough appropriate attention had been given to it at the right time.
I hate to see couples try too little too late. If something doesn’t feel right do something about it right away! Relationships are very delicate and can’t afford to stay in a yucky place for very long the damage might be irreversible. Getting connected and staying connected with our partner is the first step in beating the funk. The second step is keeping things interesting, alluring and fun. And, don’t forget light. Some partners are just too serious and gloomy.
There is nothing to be ashamed of in identifying that things need a bit of spiffing up. Routine, demands and the power struggle have a way of corroding the liveliness and energy out of relationships. An open and honest (this doesn’t mean brutal or mean) discussion about how the partner’s are experiencing each other and what each other’s needs are in relation to one another is one way to get rolling on this venture to charging things up again.
This discussion in and of itself, although sometimes painful, can be a reconnecting experience. The discussion should include brainstorming about ways to get and stay connected and seduced. A little willingness, openness and risking can go a long way. From this new place anything is possible. I invite you to take a chance and have trust in your ability to create what you both crave feeling loved and satisfied in your relating.
Happy Seducing!!!
~ Your MetroRelationship™Assignment Invite your partner to create a joint fun wish list and make the commitment to do one item off the list a week (or at any other agreed upon time interval). Have fun!!
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
I have written in the past about the importance of having fun in our relationship. Fun equals Life! There are all kinds of fun that can be had with our partner. The trick is to figure out how as couples seem to lose this knowledge as the relationship progresses…
Couples have a tendency to move from positive energy to negative energy once they become more committed in their relationship. They used to once be “in-love” and now they are in a “power struggle”. Maintaining feelings of sexiness and keeping the relationship fun is not easy when all the partners focus on is who is right and who is wrong, who did what, who does more, who sacrificed more, who gives more and so on. These are relationship killers!
So, for a moment put all that aside and remember how it was when you first met. Your togetherness might have been sprinkled with cuteness, thoughtfulness and tenderness, excitement and exploration, gifting, going out and getting dolled up, staying in and playing house, lots of fun and experimental sex, thinking of each other constantly, or wanting to be together all the time.
How did it feel? See if you can recapture the high…Sit with that feeling. Feel alive…
Now let’s bring some of that back! Regardless of how you have been feeling towards your partner recently, operate from the alive place towards them. Recapture the good feelings and then approach your partner… This might throw your partner off and they might not reciprocate. Don’t take this personally or as an excuse to give up. You are culture shocking your partner and have to give them a chance to recuperate.
They might be suspicious, they might not get it, or they might plain reject you. That’s ok. They have no clue what is happening and might not trust your motives. Give them a chance to catch up… Reassure them of your motives and invite them to play!! Your partner is craving connection and fun as much as you are. Hopefully they are aware of it and will respond to you fairly easy. If they are not – they just need a little more prodding in the right direction…
There are a lot of ways couples can recapture their sexiness and fun. Look back in your past and use what used to work! Build on this and tweak it to fit you now. Spontaneous sex does not have to be a thing for new couples. Look for opportunities to surprise your partner with a sexy invitation. Better yet, seduce them when they are least expecting it!
Remember to keep in mind what turns them on, what they like, what pleasures them and use good taste (you don’t want this to backfire!). Routine sex is not bad either… There is comfort in knowing when it is “intimacy” time. Partners look forward to it, prepare for it and are ready for it. This is an example of being on the same page!
Rekindling desire and feeling sexy can be a difficult task. This requires work when the relationship is in a slump. Workout your sexiness muscle, get the sparks going and have fun:
Have sensual secrets…
Use different positions, caresses or sexy toys
Role play or “dress up” when “making love”
Tantalize the senses with new textures and scents in your room – create a Sensual Haven
Re-explore each other’s bodies
Flirt… Tease…
Bring out the “hotty” in you – dress up for your partner
Own and flaunt your sexuality with your partner
Be in the moment with your partner
Gaze into your partner’s eyes…
Fun comes in other forms as well! Couples can not only recapture old ways of having fun, but they can expand their repertoire. As the relationship and the partners mature, so can their fun (or not!!). Fun together can be mellow or exhilarating:
Read the same book and discuss, join a book club, read to each other
Join a team, play sports together, workout together
Be playful, play pranks, tell jokes
People watch and analyze, make couples friends and double date
Go dancing, biking, rollerblading, hiking or running
Go hang-gliding, parachuting, bungee-jumping, or white-water rafting
Have a joint hobby, project or goal
Take an educational, skill or talent building class
Play board games, computer games, or pretend games!
Explore religion, meditation and prayer
As you invite and seduce your partner into different kinds of fun, the energy in your relationship shifts. You feel closer and more intimate. You can tackle whatever difficulties you may have and start making changes. You work together and are there for each other. You enjoy each other… You feel happy, satisfied, high, and alive! Welcome to your relationship!!
Happy Seducing!!!
~ Your MetroRelationship™Assignment
What is your relationship sexy and fun quotient? How can you infuse your relationship with more of these important Successful Relationship ingredients? Pick three ideas you want to implement and work them into your lifestyle. To ensure you follow through, here are some tips to promote readiness, eagerness, and enthusiasm:
Be comfortable in your body: eat nutritious foods, drink a lot of water, get your necessary sleep, take your daily multivitamins/minerals, get fit
Look the part: get clothes that fit you well and enhance your favorite body parts, groom and tidy yourself, do a little extra to feel the part (i.e., wear a new perfume/cologne, get a new hair style, get your nails done)
Relax yourself into availability: get a body treatment at a spa, take a long luxurious bath, workout, listen to jazz or classical music, meditate, listen to “Creative Visualization”, do positive affirmations, sip your favorite tea in front of a fireplace
Psych yourself up: plan, set up, day dream, visualize, make-believe, act-as-if, tease, seduce, invite…
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
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Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT has been in the mental health profession in varying capacities for the past 20+ years. She is the Founder and Director of metrorelationship.com a psychotherapy and coaching practice specializing in working with busy professional and entrepreneurial couples who are struggling getting on the same page and feeling connected. The work helps couples create a radiant and successful relationship and meaningful life by becoming a strong partnership and increasing their connection, intimacy, and fun. Emma is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Relationship Strategy™.
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