Time and again the prevalent theme in initial sessions with couples is reactivity, anger, fighting, hopelessness, criticism and lots of pointing fingers. The partners appear to be enemies. The pain is palpable in the room. A real sad state of affairs!
All this noise is just misguided attempts at being heard and understood, getting needs met, getting on the same page, connecting, feeling closeness, love and passion, and experiencing intimacy, joy and peacefulness. This is partners’ grown up version of baby crying to get basic needs met…
They are trying real hard to create a Successful and Satisfying Relationship (sm), but what they don’t realize is that their approach is creating more rapture, space, disconnect, and pain.
Their approach is defensive and offensive. It creates a mask that hides their authentic and fabulous selves from each other. It only helps to promote more separateness, dislike and dissatisfaction. Who wants to, or can, get close to a fire breathing dragon or a recluse turtle? These partners are setting up a situation where it is impossible to create a Successful Relationship!
What they don’t realize is that the opposite approach is in order, though hard it might be to operate from such a place. This is where risk taking, trust and vulnerability come in. Embracing these characteristics shift the energy from antagonistic to collaborative allowing for compassion, understanding and togetherness. This is another basic concept of creating a Successful Relationship…
It’s time to take off the mask and show up to your relationship! Here are the simple 3 steps for safely implementing vulnerability when creating your successful relationship. Implement them in this order for maximum results! Also, refer to the MetroRelationship (sm) Assignment below for additional instructions on using this insight to immediately start experiencing the relationship you want.
Stop the Attack – First and foremost, if you do nothing else but stop the onslaught of assault whether it is a full on attack with flame throwers (pursuer) or the more quiet version of secret espionage (distancer), you’ll be ahead of the game. The insult to injury that partners impinge on each other sets them further and further away from where they want to be, what they are trying to achieve and from getting what they want in their relationship.
I’ve seen couples consistently repeat the same hurtful and destructive approach in trying to get a different result. This is maddening! If your partner gets triggered by distance and being left – DO NOT ASK FOR MORE SPACE! If your partner gets triggered by requests, demands and criticism – DO NOT ASK THEM TO DO MORE! Just stop your usual approach!!
Use X-Ray Vision –Then, use what I call x-ray vision and see beyond your partner’s mask. Instead of focusing on how imperfect, unfitting, inconsiderate, unfair, hurtful, etc. your partner’s behavior or response is to you, redefine their approach as just a self protective mechanism.
When you do this from a compassionate and heart centered place and not from an ego, blaming, “logical” place, you’ll be able to start genuinely seeing the pain and vulnerability driving your partner. Stop assigning evil or ill intent motivation to your partner’s action, and see what’s beyond the mask. Their attitude is not about you – it’s about them!!
Show Your Vulnerable Side – Finally, you need to show up to your relationship and interactions if you are to have a relationship period. Two egos, set of defensive mechanisms, interacting with one another do not a relationship make.
It’s actually fairly easy… want intimacy – share of your self, want closeness – be available, want TLC – be softer, want passion – be exciting, want respect – own your self, want compassion – share vulnerable / hurt feelings…, you get the gist!
Stop sabotaging your relationship success. Take a moment to regroup and try a different approach… Save the mask for Halloween!
Happy Regrouping!!
~ Your MetroRelationship ™ Assignment
Using your x-ray vision will allow you to see the vulnerable side of your partner and provide you with hints on how to repair, meet needs, make nice, show love, connect, touch your partner, etc. Use your inner guidance and compassion to decode what you see and to device an approach that is intended to warm your partner’s heart the way they need it…
Bonus Tip: See your partner’s inner child crying out for help…
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
I don’t know why partners can be wonderful people to strangers, and yet awful to each other. Wait, actually I do know why!
There is an inherent risk in being nice to our partner… We create the opportunity for being available, vulnerable, close, intimate, One… Creating the possibility for change, for More…
This can be threatening. Our Ego is not able to tolerate this Togetherness and Vastness… Instead it looks at “being nice” as a danger that we might lose ground and ourselves, as a message that we are OK with the status quo and with unacceptable interactions, as permission to accept getting less than we deserve, as an agreement to live with deprivation, neglect, negativity and even abuse.
But the opposite is true, being Ego led maintains the status quo! Not taking a risk and being run by fear is our Ego’s way of keeping things as they are – “safe”, separate… Sometimes it’s easier to deal with what is than with what could be… Yet, this is painful and not safe… Maintaining the illusion of separateness is a sure way of keeping things as they are…
What a waste this is! Is this how we want to live our life? Is this the kind of relationship we want to create? At the end of the day, the amount of pain and suffering endured is for nothing… This is a coward’s way of living – playing it safe and not showing up to life, to intimate relating.
This is putting your hand up to the Universe and saying, “It’s OK, I don’t need closeness or intimacy, or to Be in Relationship, to feel Love. I’m not on this earth to be Alive. I’m just here to take up space”…
It’s time to fire your Ego! Here is my OMG Formula (sm) on how to switch from fear to heart based interactions with your partner that is a proven approach to creating peace, love, intimacy, passion and synergy in your relationship.
Ownership – First and foremost, you MUST take ownership of what you are contributing to your status quo and clean out anything harmful. Even if what you are contributing is seemingly positive… Are you overfunctioning, protecting, helping, diffusing, being a goodie-two-shoes, selfless, dedicated, a go-getter?
Do you take charge? Are you enabling? Remember, you co-create the relationship you have. So, even if something you are doing seems positive, think of the impact it has on your partner… The more you “do” (react), the less your partner has to… And vice versa!
Mindfulness – Use a caring, understanding and compassionate, lens to interpret your situation and interactions. Stop making assumptions and assigning malicious motives to your partner’s behavior and actions. Instead give them the benefit of the doubt, room to show their intentions, and look for attempts at connection and repair.
They might not do these with finesse, but is the effort and intention that count. With patience, tolerance and respect you can provide guidance on polishing the delivery so it can touch your heart.
Greatness – Always put your best foot forward, be the better person, and take the higher road. We save our yummy parts for other people in our life. Our partner gets to see and experience the worst of us… Why deprive them of your magnificence? Share your skills, talents, passion, and greatness with your partner!
Below is your MetroRelationship™ Assignment to get you started immediately creating the relationship you want!
The intention and investment to create a Heart Centered life and relationship takes courage, but ultimately the return is well worth the risk.
Don’t pass on the game of life! Be nice!
Happy Playing!!
~ Your MetroRelationship ™ Assignment
Take stock of how you are “too helpful or good” in your relationship. Pay attention to how this robs your partner of the opportunity to show up and be there for you… Pick 3 of these intimacy sabotaging mechanisms you usually employ and start weaning yourself off today! Be gentle and loving to yourself as you stretch into this new way of Being. Be prepared for your resistance to the new intimacy you’ll start experiencing… Enjoy!
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
We are usually mindful of keeping a clean home, garage, car, office, etc. We make efforts at staying clutter free and squeaky clean. We trash, recycle, donate and put our stuff on eBay, bring to consignments shops, have garage sales or send to less fortunate countries.
We clean our bodies from within with different detox or cleanse programs. We even clean our minds with different forms of meditation. Some of us put more effort into this than others of course, but fewer of us put this or any effort into cleansing our Relationship!
Yes, cleansing our relationship. Your relationship and its vitality have a huge impact on your general health, productivity, life satisfaction and overall wellness.
Relationships can be filthy, cluttered and unhealthy with:
Bad Habits – Poor hygiene or self-care, cutting the other off when speaking or finishing their sentences, endlessly speaking about oneself and showing no interest in the other’s world, allowing distractions during meals or talks, taking other people’s sides in stories, running late, and not keeping promises.
Not making timely plans and keeping them, not cleaning up after oneself, not showing common courtesies (a call when running late, offering food when getting oneself something, saying thank you, not making noise when the other is sleeping, not leaving dishes in the sink, not leaving hair in the shower or wet towels on the bed, etc.).
Chaos – Not having a consistent place for things and putting things away, not having a consistent agreed upon routine, calling insistently and leaving disgruntled messages, reacting to petty things and blowing things out of proportion, not finishing tasks or conversations, juggling a lot of things simultaneously and operating with constant stress.
Not saying no and allowing multiple demands to tug at you, not setting clear expectations and limits, not having support, now working as a team, undermining each other, operating from own agendas.
Enmeshment – Doing everything together, not having own interests or personal time, telling each other how to be, behave, think, feel and having a running commentary in one’s mind about this, not allowing for individuality and uniqueness, putting own needs aside consistently for the other, not identifying own needs and being overly caring of the other.
Worrying about what the other is or is not doing, not having own voice, pushing for “We” at expense of “I”.
Disconnect – Having a limited repertoire of joint activities, not eating meals together, going to bed at different times, having only personal pursuits, having too much alone or with own group time, not sharing inner world (feelings, thoughts, wishes, dreams, concerns), not sharing one’s activities / world.
Having more separate plans than joint, not having joint goals, not sharing a calendar, paying bills separately.
Neglect – Lack of TLC, having a limited repertoire of intimate moves or approach to intimacy, having “sex” less than one time per week, not showing appreciation or acknowledgment, not checking in throughout the day, not greeting each other hello or goodbye and having that include touching.
Not sharing affection, not being on each other’s priority list, not being thoughtful with little things (getting partner a drink when getting oneself one, using all the hot water, doing only one’s laundry, not picking up the cleaners, not putting in gas in the car, eating the last of a favorite dish or dessert, etc.).
Toxic Interactions – Disrespect with yelling, cursing, interrupting, or digging at the other, not supporting activities, wishes, or the other’s uniqueness and needs, undermining by not keeping agreements, setting up interactions not conducive to the task at hand, and controlling by “owning” the other.
Manipulation to get own way or not allow the other to get theirs, passive-aggressiveness in not showing up and being accountable, criticism, banter and jokes at the other’s expense, constant complaining and whining, gossiping about others and leaking energy out of the relationship, lies, cover ups and secrets, resentment, anger and lack of resolution to concerns, not allowing each other to express feelings, not allowing each other to be their own person, being self absorbed
If any of these are a part of your relationship, it can stand to have a little Spring Cleaning.
Pick a couple of items from above to address and get rid of them pronto!
Don’t let them accumulate and deprive you of a healthy, thriving, joyful, satisfying relationship and its benefits!
Happy Cleaning!
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
A common theme I find in struggling relationships, is partners owning each other…
Partners fall in love with their partner, to then want to change their partner and the very characteristics they fell in love with in the first place! This is not pretty. This is not sexy. This is crazy making!
When partners want to change each other, they are in fact owning each other. When one tries to tell another how to think, how to feel, what to do – how to be, they are in essence owning them as they believe they have the right or obligation to this attitude… The problem is that this way of operating in a relationship, or in life for that matter, is not healthy. It disempowers the other as they can’t be themselves and it disempowers us as we are not minding ourselves by being too preoccupied with focusing on the other… It is a complete lose-lose situation.
When the partners operate from this Codependent (enmeshed, undifferentiated, symbiotic) place, they get stuck in dissatisfying relating, repeating less than optimal patterns and in relationship(s) that are not rewarding, supportive or loving. They also, can’t move forward in their relationship, their life, or grow, heal and evolve as human beings. Ouch!
The antidote to this desperate scenario is for the partners to lovingly, mindfully and responsively detach while remaining in connection… This means not hanging your hat on outcomes but being open, flexible and curious about your Self, your Partner and your Relationship. Embracing each day as an adventure and with an open heart.
More specifically, it means:
If you are the one that needs to be together to feel OK – that you learn to sit with your Self, stand still, quite your insides, contain and self soothe… (opposed to being controlling…)
If you are the one that needs space to feel OK – that you learn to access your memories, feelings, and needs and to share them… (opposed to being passive-aggressive…)
This dichotomy is not always this black and white – life is a whole range of gray after all… But, I present this in its polarized version for the sake of exemplifying how this typically plays out in couples that struggle. Note also, that these partners usually pair up creating a debilitating and dissatisfying loop of interacting that feels hopeless.
But, as the partners do their work and together fight the loop’s mesmerizing pull, they awaken to their true Selves, break the cycle and create a rewarding Interdependent Loving Relationship.
Now they can Authentically be with each other and bring their best to their interactions. When both partners do this, they create a genuine loving, nurturing, mindful and exciting relationship that supports their life’s journey. This is sexy!
Happy Loving!
Similar and Related Articles ( … refer to the Feature Article):
If You Need Help with your Relationship Enrichment – Contact Us Today!
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
When your life feels like it’s not working, when your relationship feels like it’s not working – have you pondered why? I’m sure you have!
The problem with this pondering that you might be doing is that you are probably focusing on the wrong things and that is why you either can’t make changes or the changes are happening SUPER slow that you can’t even tell things are changing …
Fixing your life and your relationship is not a logical exercise to be puzzled out. That approach is futile… Life and relationships don’t reside in a logical realm – they reside in an experiential realm. What is missing from your life and relationship is not a nicer car, or better treatment from your partner, or whatever you claim you are missing. What is missing from your life and relationship is YOU!
Once you start showing up to your life and relationship, things change instantaneously. Decisions are easier to make, doors open up, serendipity happens, grace is bestowed upon you. Things are easy. Can you imagine that!? Things are easier…
Stop blaming your past mistakes and deficiencies, your parents, your boss, your partner. It is time that You show up!
Showing-up means:
Getting in touch with and understanding your feelings (not your thoughts!) -your emotions… And, sharing them
Tracing back your emotions to unmet needs and responsibly, appropriately, responsively, mindfully, intentionally addressing them
Diligently working on getting needs met by making small, quantifiable, behavior change requests or nurturing gestures of significant others, especially your partner, to touch hurt feelings
Focus on getting emotional needs met… Practical needs follow…
Getting support and assistance in this journey – it is a challenge to get in touch with our Authentic Self and bringing it out to play
Expanding your circle of loved, or at least liked, ones
Sharing your opinion even if it’s unpopular
Showing your quirkiness and idiosyncrasies even in the face of possible rejection
Showing up to interactions and being present – increasing opportunities for interacting
Exploring interests and actively pursuing, incorporating, them into your lifestyle
Taking measured risks and consistent action to create the life and relationship you want
If you don’t show up to your life and relationship – you don’t really have a life or relationship to complain about!! Take a risk – start showing up – I’m sure you’ll be liked, approved of, and you’ll be at least good enough …
If You Need Help with your Relationship Enrichment – Contact Us Today!
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
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Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT has been in the mental health profession in varying capacities for the past 20+ years. She is the Founder and Director of metrorelationship.com a psychotherapy and coaching practice specializing in working with busy professional and entrepreneurial couples who are struggling getting on the same page and feeling connected. The work helps couples create a radiant and successful relationship and meaningful life by becoming a strong partnership and increasing their connection, intimacy, and fun. Emma is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Relationship Strategy™.
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