It is a crazy time in the world, and it behooves us to take care of ourselves well to properly weather this storm and come out as unscathed as possible after this is over. Let’s make smart decisions and set ourselves up to actually thrive. Yes? Let’s do this also!
The coronavirus pandemic is impacting every thread in the fabric of our lives from where and how we work, to how our kids are educated, to how much internet bandwidth we need, to what food we have available, to how we entertain ourselves. Even to how much toilet paper we have to wipe our butts. LOL (a little humor never hurts!)
How we initially choose to respond to this challenge will have a trickling effect in all areas of our lives. While we don’t want to overreact, be alarmists, and trigger panic, we do want to be responsible in all our actions and decisions.
It goes without saying that some behaviors and reactions are just not acceptable – like racial distancing, violent, illegal, and completely immature behaviors. There are some crazy arrest stories in the news. Seriously?
For those that have been lagging in taking this situation seriously because “you are not worried”, you are putting yourself and others at risk. You don’t have to believe this is a dire situation if you don’t want to. But why not be proactive and responsible, nonetheless. Just in case. There is nothing to lose in been precautious. The saying, better be safe than sorry came to be for a reason…
For example, I rarely come down with anything or get sick. Therefore, I’m not one to worry about getting sick. I can be exposed to sick people and not catch what they have (or at least not be symptomatic!). Yet, I moved all our in-person sessions online to protect clients from each other. Also, I could be a carrier and infect others and not even know it. So, I’m doing my part in reducing the chances of additional spread.
Thus, being proactive and responsible means: Self-quarantining at any indication of exposure or infection. It means avoiding unnecessary risks and practicing conscientious Social Distancing with respect and compassion. It means following all the guidelines presented by authorities, and where we believe they are lagging taking our own preventative actions.
We do have the whole world east of us exemplifying what to expect. We are smart, we can make our own inferences. We don’t have to wait for all planes to get grounded to cancel travel plans or for other govermental measures. It is our responsibility to enact personal agency and take proactive initiative for our own and others safety.
Once you are onboard with doing your part in the face of craziness, the next thing is to set yourself up to seamlessly weather the storm. I’ll even go as far as suggesting, to make the most of this situation and look for possible opportunities to enhance your and your loved ones’ lives in the end…
From Surviving to Thriving…
Setting up your family: With everybody in the family possibly being stuck at home for the next couple to few weeks, adjust your daily routine, home spaces and activities to account for all family members’ needs.
You might want to get up earlier to take care of chores and other responsibilities that would take longer to do with everyone underfoot. You might build in special lunch and snack times. You might want to tweak the night routine to still mark transition times but make them more soothing and attuned…
Working from home: When working from home coordinate work schedules and childcare coverage with other adults (partner, family member, friend, nanny/sitter – swap favors even…) to maximize productivity and great care. Don’t try to juggle both. This creates overwhelm, chaos, reactivity, acting out, anxiety, stress, and exhaustion…
Be flexible on how you tackle your “work hours”. Depending on the nature of your work, discuss with your supervisor a flexible plan to “put in your time” and get your work done that’s not necessarily the traditional 9-5.
If regular office hours presence is required, discuss covering the 9-5 in shifts by your teammates or coworkers and to have meetings scheduled during certain times of the day to allow for more flexibility for everyone. Other work can be completed off hours as needed.
Getting work done: Also, when working from home, protect your work time by allocating a workspace that’s free from distractions. If you live in close quarters get creative on how to create a reduced distraction space and time-chunks…
Of course tackle all the other practicalities – have supplies and everything you need in one place and organized, have passwords and access to all platforms and accounts handy, use online shared spaces/apps to collaborate, up your internet speed, upgrade your software as necessary, and have a backup system in place.
This will eliminate multitasking, lack of focus and frustrations helping manage stress and time wasters and increase productivity. You might get your work done quicker and actually free up time…
Kids schoolwork: Just like you are setting yourself up to be productive with work, you have to do the same for school age children. They might require different supervision during “schoolwork” time than during “free-time”. This is to be managed by the “covering” adult. Use your judgement on who covers what time during the days…
Also, set up children for cooperation. Explain that this is serious, and they are expected to cooperate, behave and be responsible for themselves and their work. This might be a good time to revisit your parenting style, how you discipline, guide/teach, support, encourage and inspire your children…
Be careful not to be too different from the usual as that’ll create more resistance and potential acting out. Keep things light, simple, and reassuring while providing guidelines and structure. Children do best when they know what’s expected and what’s going to happen. Layout the day in front of them to create security. Remember, they are affected by the upheaval too. Praise and celebrate cooperation.
Creating flow: Aside from managing routines and time, you can manage and use your space to flow through the day with more ease. Use different parts of your home (even if different corners of a room…) for different types of activities.
Designate rooms or spots for work, schoolwork, projects, fun and play, downtime and relaxation and such. This helps the brain get with the program and cooperate. This helps manage mood, focus, energy, etc.
Beyond the basics: Outside of responsibilities and doing the business of life, here is where things can get really amazing… This is where we can look for possibilities for great things to come from these tough times. The silver lining if you may. I see people bogging out about having to entertain children longer than usual. This is where we can be role models, inspire and help them thrive.
Aside from looking for more toys, games, crafts, TV shows and movies, and gaming apps, how about looking for opportunities for growth and development – this can range from learning how to play an instrument, explore a new language or culture, binge watch the science, history or documentary channels, focus on an interest, take on a new hobby, etc.
This can go as far as taking a talent or gift, such as music, art, writing, entrepreneurship, technology, debate, caring for others or anything else and creating a project of it. The project can be just for kicks or for higher accomplishment and impact. The sky is the limit. This is specially a great idea for middle and high schoolers. They can take something on and get consumed with it…
Enjoying connection: Another terrific benefit of this imposed togetherness is the togetherness… LOL We usually have such filled and hectic lives that we don’t slow down enough to Be with each other. With less extracurricular activities, commitments, events, travel, commuting, etc. We have more free time in our hands and more free time with each other.
I know this is scary for most… But this is a gem when done properly… Create specific times that are designated family and couple time regardless that you are all together all the time… The different designation implies different focus, energy, activities and such. This is how you’ll move from a blob of togetherness and potentially getting on each other’s nerves, to enjoying being with each other.
This also means, creating separate times to be individuals… Can’t be part of the whole all the time, it can get to be too much… Intentionally build this into the routine and honor it. This is for everyone…
Our daughter, Vanessa, is already amazing at carving out and protecting her NessyTime. She knows she needs down-alone-time and she’ll make sure she gets it. LOL
Your partner and relationship: And, of course, take advantage of the Couple Time… You’ll have a chance to connect differently than usual, seize the moment. Here you can explore common interests, different fun, deeper intimacy, more TLC, and more… This covers a whole spectrum of being with each other:
-From increasing fun by exploring interests like cooking different cuisines, learning new skills, exploring topics or concepts, taking on a new hobby or project, listening to influencers or fun podcasts, reading the same book, being playful and lighter.
-To nurturing the relationship with doing Appreciations, keeping a Positivity Journal, creating a Vision Board, stepping up caring gestures with your Love Languages, being super intentional about being present and attuned, flirting and increasing affection, ensuring moments to be intimate…
-To enriching the relationship by reading relationship success material, learning relationship tools and skills, working through any kinks and areas that usually trip you up, focusing on changing and upgrading how you show up to create the relationship you want…
~> Check-out our upcoming 1Day Virtual Event, the Relationship Enrichment Bootcamp™ (REB), on 4/4, where I delve into the 5 Elements of the Successful Couple Strategy™ and share specific tools, processes and protocols easy to implement but super powerful for creating the transformation in your relationship… Oh yeah, it’s a super-rich day! Don’t miss the bonuses and debut rates,learn more HERE.
Paramount Self-care:And, it goes without saying to not forget the self-care… It is imperative that you don’t forgo your usual self-care practice (tweak as necessary). And, if you don’t have one that you create one!
It doesn’t have to be an intense lineup of things you do. But do be mindful to create some moments to recharge and reconnect with your Self… The world is a better place when you do…
This can mean soaking in the tub before going to bed, keeping a Gratitude Journal, meditating before you jump out of bed, getting a workout app to replace the gym, giving yourself “spa treatments” from facials, to scrubs, to mani/pedis, seating with a cup of tea, whatever…
This challenging time doesn’t have to be the undoing of us. It could be a blessing in disguise, and the doing of us… How about we operate with that mindset from now on? You’ll be surprised at the yumminess that starts flowing…
ASSIGNMENT: Take note of what your go-to thoughts are, how you are feeling, and how you are managing yourself, your family, your home, and your work…
Identify where you can stand to clean up and align your approach for better outcomes. Where you can be more intentional and proactive. No need to overdo anything and overcompensate. Just notice, realign, and take gentle, caring and yet swift action.
Think on how this imposed lifestyle change can actually be a blessing in disguise and full of opportunities to design the life you want…
Embrace the change…
ADDITIONAL ASSIGNMENT: Support businesses that are losing foot traffic by purchasing gift certificates to be used at a later time.
Think on how else you can be proactively supportive in your community.
AND, IF THIS RESONATES…
Register for our upcoming 1Day Virtual Event on 4/4:
Complete the Assignment, and share your takeaway, insights, and results with a note in the Comments box at the end! I’d love to hear how you are using this content.
Happy Thriving!
Copyright (c) 2020 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
Focusing on the things that are good for us, make us feel good, and create a stronger connection to our Self are massively important in our Journey. Not only do we feel good (haha, who doesn’t want that?), but this is imperative for creating our successful relationship, and meaningful life…
When we take care of ourselves, when we set effective boundaries, when we focus on personal development, when we invest in ourselves, when we expand our repertoire for pampering, fun, stimulation, interests and the like we become better at our Human Experience, closer to our Best/Higher Self, and increase our ability to Be a better Partner…
For as you know, we don’t need to white-knuckle anything in life… Specially, we don’t need to white-knuckle Being in relationship with our partner… A lot of times partners focus so much on all the behavior changes and long a**s list of things to do and not to do to please their partner… This is not the way…
I remember a conversation with a client who before this concept clicked, was keeping a running list of all the things to “work on”, “be better at”, “do differently”. At one point he said something like, I just can’t hang on to all these behaviors in my head, I’m going to miss something and mess up.
What we worked on was to focus on how to Be the person and partner he wanted to Be, not how to change a list of behaviors. For, when we are who we want to Be, our Best Self, the behaviors follow suit… There is no white-knuckling in that.
And, when we are our Best Self, our most Authentic Self we can muster in the moment, we are aligned, inspired, connected, full of love. No bad behavior or outcome ever comes from this state…
There is a protocol that helps us shift and align so we can Master Being Our Self:
What you think creates
How you feel
Which influences your actions
Which creates your results…
Going straight for changing the behaviors before you changed your thinking is challenging. I’m sure you have experience with this in different areas of your life: dieting, exercising, sleeping, connecting, creating, and all the rest of it…
The behavior-change or action is not sustainable as an ongoing behavior change on its own because its driver wasn’t changed. The behavior change on its own right requires will power and ongoing decisions to continue to be carried out:
– Every morning you convince yourself to snuggle for a bit and hit the snooze button for an hour
– Every morning you ponder if you should go to the gym and talk yourself out of it
– Every evening you think about getting closer, in proximity, to your partner for connection to then clean the kitchen, fall asleep in your kid’s bed, or binge watch Netflix
Know what I mean? Why are these things even decisions or options?
This is troublesome because willpower can be finite for a multitude of reason… Including decision-fatigue… If every little thing has to be debated and decided on, we’d never get anything done and we’d burn out before we know it. Or, even worse we could not be intentional, self-owning and alive in our life and create a life by default instead. And, then one day we’d wake up to the reality we created – not so pretty.
What’s required is a change in thinking, a mindset shift. A mindset shift is permanent. Once you change your thinking and believes the rest flows easily from there. Constant ongoing decisions, remembering long lists, fighting your mindless approach, and walking on eggshells is no longer the norm.
Once the shift happens the behaviors don’t require choosing, deciding, and white-knuckling. This is because they are now flowing from your core Self, who you are, your love and they are in alignment with your values, they flow from your intentional and systematized habits and routines, they are part of your lifestyle and how things are. Bam! That’s what I’m talking about.
Isn’t that much easier? This applies to everything in our life, from health and wellness, to being in relationship to creating a meaningful life. It behooves us to monitor and clean our thoughts, to upgrade our believes, to identify and own our values, to Stay Connected with our Self. This is where all the yumminess is. This is who our partner fell in love with to begin with… And, then we got busy and erected defenses and things started going south.
Reconnect with yourself. Fully own and take care of yourself. Cherish yourself. And, even indulge yourself – with good stuff… And, then show up to your relationship, and your life…
ASSIGNMENT: Identify how you are white-knuckling in your relationship – do you always run late, do you forget to touch base with your partner, do you make plans without consulting them, do you finish eating before your partner makes their plate, do you have an extra drink, do you buy junk food, do you go against them in front of the kids.
What’s your flavor of undermining, rebelling, not owning yourself, not showing up that then you have to fight yourself not to do?
What is the theme to the items you identified? Does is have to do with accountability, conscientious, honesty, transparency, control, vulnerability, equality, worthiness, self-agency…
It might not be so easy to find the items you are white-knuckling on, they are so ingrained that you think this is how you are, your partner is, the flavor of your relationship.
But, I beg to differ and encourage you to observe, pause judgement and witness, with compassion. Just see yourself and your partner in your dance. Identify those items. This is the first step in liberating yourself from the shackles holding you back…
It might also not be easy to name your theme. If you want a transformation, play with gusto. Invest in getting it, keep at it until you get it…
Then invest in addressing the dirty thinking and limiting believes driving it. Dismantle the dirty, the illogical, the old and no longer true, etc.
Create new thoughts to replace the old that are more in Alignment with who you are Becoming, who you really are…
It helps to do this when Connected with your Higher Self… For then you are your Best Self…
This is how you create a mindset shift, reprogram yourself, how you create a new operating system, how you can flow with ease and stop the white-knuckling for now everything you do flows from an updated version of you…
And, when You show up, your Partner feels you and responds in kind, and now you can create your Successful Relationship… Connect, Shift, Show-up
DRUM ROLL PLEASE…
You can now register, Yay!, for our upcoming 1day virtual workshop on 4/4:
This is going to be such an incredible event. It is the most comprehensive, insightful and laser-focused work of its kind. It’s our work in its most streamlined form. It’s years of personal development and relationship enrichment condensed into this 1Day Experience.
It captures a Transformation Process in easy to implement tactics. You’ll have my brain downloaded and proven targeted strategies at your fingertips. LOL
The day is packed with thought-provoking, mindset shift concepts and simple, yet extremely powerful and transformational, easily implementable tools for immediate results.
You’ll learn how to:
~ 1 ~ Easily get on the same page and break the impasse
~ 2 ~ Improve your communication and resolve recurring arguments
~ 3 ~ Change your patterns and meet your needs
~ 4 ~ Increase your connection, intimacy and fun
~ 5 ~ And, create a strong partnership
You will love it! I’m so sure of it, that I’m even offering a moneyback guarantee.
AND, because it’s a debut and celebratory event (more on this in upcoming notes!), it is super discounted. This is a onetime opportunity. If you are interested in a deeper dive with the concepts I write, and preach about (LOL), this is your chance to get it with this amazing deal. Register now!
I hope you join us at this Epic event!
Complete the Assignment, and share your takeaway, insights, and results with a note in the Comments box at the end! I’d love to hear how you are using this content.
Happy Becoming!
Copyright (c) 2020 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
One of the major consequences of running our life on overdrive is the impact on our energy, not just its vibration but how much of it we have. Fortunately, I’ve been blessed (as have you, but might not fully know it yet!) with the ability to generate energy naturally.
Even during the craziest times, I had loads of energy. Though looking back, it was probably partially fueled by my adrenaline and sugar addiction (i.e., hot chocolate and Oreos for dinner while working). Ha!
For the sake of this issue and its audience, I want to focus on its impact on Intimacy. When we run rugged our intimacy suffers. Period. I’m sure you don’t need me to tell you that, but I want to show you how and how to change it along with other culprits that impact intimacy.
Bear in mind, I’m only addressing this from this minute angle, there is so much more going on here emotionally and practically… Hence, I’m always preaching about streamlining, simplifying, decommitting and such…
5 Culprits of Low Intimacy…
Exhaustion
Well, it’s not surprising that if we are tackling the all the world’s problems that we’d be exhausted at the end of the day. Also, the overachievers, multitaskers and overdoers run out of time to tackle their super aggressive agenda, so they cut into their sleep time to compensate. Not to mention that if they are women, they are probably the one waking up more in the middle of the night with little ones, especially if they are nursing. Yeah, fun times!
This state messes with patience, bandwidth, mood, outlook, body image, appetite, libido… Not only are you too tired to do it, you also have no interest… And, if you are a woman and somehow got over this hump, then you run into not being able to turn your brain/ruminating off… You can’t get in the mood and your female physiology doesn’t cooperate to boot. And, this is only culprit #1 on this list!
Domesticity
Once we move in together, and even more so once children come along, the focus of the relationship changes to creating a life together. The focus becomes on the domestic. Before, it was about sharing, now is about managing.
There is Being in sharing… But, there is a lot of doing in managing when tackled as a big long *a—s to-do list… This in and of itself is terrible as not only does this contribute to the exhaustion, but our awesome Self is not showing when we are in doing mode…
And, as if that’s not bad enough, when we don our Domestic hat, and live in our husband/wife and father/mother roles, we mute the person, the essence of ourselves – the male/female energy in the relationship… The roles are not interested in intimacy. They are all about duty, responsibility, and such. They are the antithesis of intimacy [Being mindful of my language… so as not to trigger spam blockers. LOL].
Unless you look at intimacy as duty! A different topic. I’m sure you are familiar with how fast the mood/moment changes when your baby cries, or one of the children comes to your door, or into your bed!
Expectations
It gets better. Add to the above all the junkie thoughts you allow to rent space in your head. And, I am not referring to just your unfinished to do list, brainstorms about a project, thinking about a problem or concern, the big presentation tomorrow, or worrying about whatever you worry about. I’m referring to thoughts of your own inadequacy and misguided expectations about your partner, your intimacy and the relationship as a whole.
You can be downright mean to yourself and your partner in that head of yours. You might have thoughts of what sucky lovers you might each be, how gross your bodies might be, how disappointing as partners you might each be, etc… You might even have thoughts micromanaging your partner’s love making. Or, about how much pleasure you should have or how you are supposed to get there. We can be our own worst enemy in all areas of our life!
Enmeshment
This is a tricky one because it’s not as obvious as the others. It refers to how close the partners are… I’m sure you have friends or know people, or this might even be you, that do everything with their partner. And, they think this is a good thing. They call each other best friends.
They know everything about each other and every moment of their day. They are in constant contact. They only have couple friends and look down on single people. All their activities are family and kid related. They don’t leave their kids with others. They don’t take couple vacations, never mind trips without their partner. You get my drift.
This might sound idyllic to partners who feel distance and disconnection from their partner. But, these enmeshed partners are not better off. Their supposedly closeness picks up too much of a friendship vibe… They are too close, too together for mystery, interest, and desire to spark. The male and female energy necessary for attraction and passion gets muted… Yikes! These are the partners that are the most surprised to discover a possible affair.
Boredom
And, here is where it gets fun. The easiest way to kill the human spirit (and desire and intimacy!) is through boredom. We are meant for variety, exploration, curiosity, adventure, feeling Alive… When our lives are monotonous, too safe / secure, without meaning or purpose, and the like we lose oomph. We don’t have a fire in our belly, drive, hunger… There is no aliveness. There is no mystic.
To make matters worse, this carries into the actual relationship – it’s just there. It’s taken for granted. It’s expected to last a lifetime without nourishment… As we very well know anything that is neglected withers, breaks down or goes away. This true for a garden, a car, health, finances, and anything you can think of. If the relationship doesn’t get attention it doesn’t exist, it’s just a contract, an agreement… How fun is that? Never mind radiant…
And, then add a boring bedroom life for good measure. If you get to the lovemaking the same way all the time and do the same things all the time, where is the curiosity, the enticement, the anticipation, the draw, the eagerness, the yearning, the build-up…? For you see our intimacy is driven by our brain which needs proper stimulation…
And, you wonder what happened to your intimacy? The answer is: Plenty!
ASSIGNMENT: If you are having intimacy issues, there is so much to address… But, don’t let this overwhelm you. Start by identifying which is the biggest low intimacy Culprit in your relationship:
Exhaustion – you are too tired, your libido is dead
Domesticity – your roles are squashing your male/female attraction energy
Expectations – the noise in your head doesn’t allow you to get in your body
Enmeshment – you are too together to experience the allure
Boredom – there isn’t enough stimulation (not stress…) in your life and relationship
Make it your business to create change in this area. For example:
~ Remove todos from your Lifestyle. Yes, you can! They are all self-imposed!
~ Build-in and honor Couple Time in your routine
~ Clean your thinking and limiting believes
~ Have lovely Me time and nurture your individuality
~ Change things up in your repertoire…
Do whatever it takes if you are serious about creating your amazing, radiant, successful relationship. Make changes with Gusto. Embrace them. Enjoy!
Here is to an exciting and lively week! Make it fun!
ANOTHER QUICK UPDATE:
The 1day virtual Relationship Enrichment Bootcamp™ is scheduled for 4/4! Mark your calendar! Stay tuned for how to register. It’s going to be an epic event! Sooo excited! Eek!
Complete the Assignment, and share your takeaway, insights, and results with a note in the Comments box at the end! I’d love to hear how you are using this content.
Happy Lovemaking!
Copyright (c) 2020 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
How are you doing with your New Year Relationship Resolutions or Intentions? How are you doing with staying loving and nurturing post VDAY? Are you keeping up with your Connection Habits™?
Remember that to create change we have to keep a focus on what we want to achieve, focus on the progress and the result (not the lack of!), and how to continue to invest, tweak, and course correct to make it happen.
Creating and sustaining Connection is not easy. Partners might have a wonderful connecting moment, or intimacy, to soon after feel completely disconnected, alone, abandoned, and floundering…
The dance of connection and disconnectioncan become too much to bear. Partners learn to play it safe avoiding being vulnerable, intimate or close to prevent feeling let down and worse off afterwards.
Some partners work too hard at creating closeness and intimacy that they end up shooting themselves on the foot. The attempt becomes forced, inauthentic, restricting to the point that the intention to feel close is completely thwarted. We don’t want to force connection, intimacy, fun. The mere attempt has its opposite effect.
We want to be flexible, organic, real, present… When we show up with our authentic interested self, the rest is almost inevitable… Remember, your partner is just as interested in feeling loved and connected…
A lot of times the partner that needs more connection, as opposed to their partner that needs more space, thinks their partner is not interested in love and connection. This couldn’t be further from the truth. The only difference is in how they prefer to get love and connection. And, this encompasses timing, duration, intensity and so on…
Connection is impacted by how we choose to interpret moments and interactions, how we feel in our own head and body in general, how we choose Be in that moment or as a person… How we choose to do our Life… The more we have our own awesome life, the easier it is to create a joint one with our partner…
Here are 5 Tactics for Creating and Sustaining Connection:
~1~ Meet Your Own Needs ~ Too often partners have the misconception that their partner is there to meet their needs, even all of their needs! How ridiculous is this? Yes, partners can meet each other’s needs, but it’s not their job to meet the other’s needs. Partners are not to depend on their partner meeting their needs…
This might sound shocking to you. It is actually up to us to make requests, set up interactions and show up so that we inspire and create interactions that meet our needs… See the difference?
~2~ Your Partner is There to Be Loved ~ Your partner is in your relationship as a Gift to you. They are a mirror to help you continue to evolve… They are there for you to practice and enjoy giving love… They are not there for any other reason. The rest is a cocreation to have a lovely joint life and further enrich your human experience…
~3~ Find the Middle Ground ~ Relationships are usually made up of a Pursuer Partner and a Distancer Partner… One needs more togetherness (usually the more female-energy partner), the other needs more separateness (usually the more male-energy partner)…
This is actually evident in our brain structures. Females have a larger “connection” area in the brain! I’ll spare us the evolutionary and biological aspects of this. But suffice to say, that we have different needs, expectations, preferences, and such. Our job it to find a balance between both styles and preferences, and to take into account individual idiosyncrasies…
~4~ Be Strategic ~ This is where all your Relationship Tools and Skills come into play. This is where you orchestrate interactions that meet both your and your partner’s needs. Where you identify good timing for specific types of interactions. Where you approach interactions appropriately to get your needs met.
Where you know how to show-up so you meet your partner’s needs. Where you have a reaching-out, checking-in, dating, intimacy, and such intentional approach so you create and sustain connection that satisfy you both.
~5~ Invest in Commonality ~ Be curious, explore, develop and invest in common interests. And, I don’t want to hear you have tried and can’t find any! Keep at it till you crack this. Having something in common to jointly play with builds connection and intimacy.
When you go about creating connection, closeness and intimacy this way, you are less likely to trigger and scare yourself and your partner and therefore minimize the need for the Dance of Connection and Disconnection…
The Dance is just a built-in mechanism to keep partners feeling emotionally safe… If you create safety off the bat, then there is no need to pull away to feel safe, regain stability… You can connect and pretty much sustain the connection…
Creating and sustaining connection doesn’t have to be so elusive and/or challenging… You can do this, just focus on how you are approaching it and what you need to adjust.
ASSIGNMENT: Take stock of how your Relationship Mindset, your believes about Connection, and your approach to connection and meeting needs are getting in the way of enjoying more connection, intimacy and joy with your partner.
Identify where you need to upgrade your believes, approach, tools or skills
Take an action to proactively address it
Create a recurring behavior around it to consistently invest in the change
Here is to another Loving week! Make every day count!
QUICK UPDATE: I’m postponing the upcoming 1day virtual Relationship Enrichment Bootcamp™ a little to allow me to create an even better experience for you. 😉 Stay tuned for the new date and how to register! I can’t wait, it’s coming out fabulously!!
Complete the Assignment, and share your takeaway, insights, and results with a note in the Comments box at the end! I’d love to hear how you are using this content.
Happy Connecting!
Copyright (c) 2020 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
How is the most romantic, loving, nurturing, pink/red week of the year going for you? Doesn’t it feel so lovely to step up the usual TLC and focus on treating your partner? What do you do when you want to step up showing your love?
You don’t have to go the whole pink/red flavor, but do put on a more Loving lens… Let’s commit to stepping up our Loving game every day! [To this end there is a sneak peek announcement at the end of the post!]
I don’t know about you, but I’ve learned, admittedly a little later in life than I would have preferred, that to grow, evolve and become our full, best, truest and most authentic Self we have to embrace the stretching in a very particular way…
Obviously, I do I believe in change, growth, development, always improving and such… But this stretching I’m talking about has a slightly different flavor… It’s almost imperceptible to the inexperienced eye…
I’m talking about Commitment… And, obviously I also know and understand commitment… So, to be singling this out as part of the secret sauce that makes all the difference is bizarre. Anyone who is married or in a long-term relationship, or professional career, or business, or any endeavor that requires an all-around investment from themselves would say they are committed to that endeavor.
That’s exactly the point. We commit, but do we really Commit?
This brings me to today’s issue, Part3 in our 3-Part Series on Enhancing Love in Your Relationship:
Part3:Really embracing commitment…
The Commitment I’m referring to goes beyond being in something and even being in it for a long time, and even being in it for the long haul. That’s the commitment we usually think of and live by. We commit and we stick it out.
But the Commitment I’m referring to, oh boy. It’s that commitment x10. Can you even imagine it? Again, I’m no stranger to commitment, but embracing everything with this level of Commitment, oof that’s where the juice is… That is what creates real movement, gets real traction, manifests epic change, transformation…
This next level of Commitment means there are no outs, ever. This means we show up with our best self, always. This means we put in our best effort, all the time. This means we stretch beyond our comfort zone consistently and learn to live with being uncomfortable… This means we make this a part of life, a part of our Journey.
Yes, we are not perfect. But, when we strive for the above we are our most perfect Self in those moments… That’s what I’m talking about. This level of Commitment where we go above and beyond as often as possible, as much as possible, as best as possible. Yeah…
Can you honestly say this is how you live your life day-in-and-day-out? There aren’t many who can say yes. For if you were, you would be living at the top of your game in all areas of your life… Are you there? How are you settling? Where are you settling? Where are you not investing enough? How are you not showing up?
When we keep our commitment to ourselves, we build integrity, self-esteem and success.
When we keep our commitment to our partner, we build trust, intimacy and a strong relationship.
And, this goes from the smallest of commitments like keeping your word to take out the garbage, to stepping it up every day on how you show Love…
It takes guts to live life and show up to our relationship with this level of Commitment. It takes guts to play full out in all we do. It takes guts to live our Best Life and to create our Success Relationship.
This level of Commitment, to keep really stretching into your bestest Self and into being the bestest Partner you can be is where the rubber meets the road. This is it.
Don’t just be committed. Be Committed. Play full out. Step it up. In all you do. Transcend the little you, your Ego, and embrace your Higher Self. Show up with the good stuff, ALL. THE. TIME.
Is this challenging? Heck yeah. This even intimidating if you are not used to thinking close to this way… We are not used to giving it our all. We are not used to not getting sucked into the noise of life. We are not used to not getting mired in the drama, the options, the exits, the easy and superficial way of life. There are so many ways in which we do this…
Start paying attention to how you take the easy way out. How you let yourself off the hook. How you show up with the less than your most splendid version of yourself.
Start noticing how this way of life has let you down, for you are not where you want to be yet in all areas that are important to you. Start noticing how you let others down and how you don’t create the best relationships you can. Start noticing how you are settling and sabotaging your best life and your best relationship(s)…
Is this how you want to go down? How you want to be put to rest? How you want to have lived your life? Is this how you want to have spent your Human Experience? I hope the answer is NO.
So, what are you going to do about it? How are you going to mean your commitments? How are you going to be Committed to living your best life and creating your best relationship?
Valentine’s Day is tomorrow. Use this as an inspiration. Again, no need to do the pink/red if that’s not you. But again, how will you step up how you show up? Tomorrow is also Friday. And, the beginning of a long holiday weekend. Hey, the sky is the limit. How will you step it up in your life and in your relationship?
How will somebody else looking in know that you are Committed to your Cause? What will they see you doing differently? How will you be stepping it up?
ASSIGNMENT: Are you ready to enhance the love in your relationship?
Make a list of all the ways in which you fall short of being the partner you want to be.
Make a list of all the ways you’d love to be if you were the best partner you want to be.
Commit to eradicating 2 behaviors / habits that perpetuates the Fall Short list.
Commit to establishing 2 behaviors / habits that fuel, inspire, motivate and drive the Best Partner list. Consider becoming great at Connecting…
Create a system, routine, to support the Commitment to becoming the Best Partner… Enhance your routine with Connection Habits™.
Wishing you an amazing relationship overflowing with Love. Have a fabulously loving Valentine’s Day!
And, to keep things rich and gorgeous past Valentine’s Day, I finally get to share it!, we are having a virtual Relationship Enrichment Bootcamp™ on 3/7/20!Yay! This is going to be a fabulous event to help you learn how to take your relationship to the next level, regardless of the current state it’s in… Stay tuned for registration information, in the meantime SAVE THE DATE!!
Complete the Assignment, and share your takeaway, insights, and results with a note in the Comments box at the end! I’d love to hear how you are using this content.
Happy Committing!
Copyright (c) 2020 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
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Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT has been in the mental health profession in varying capacities for the past 20+ years. She is the Founder and Director of metrorelationship.com a psychotherapy and coaching practice specializing in working with busy professional and entrepreneurial couples who are struggling getting on the same page and feeling connected. The work helps couples create a radiant and successful relationship and meaningful life by becoming a strong partnership and increasing their connection, intimacy, and fun. Emma is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Relationship Strategy™.
