Even the most healthy, satisfying and rewarding relationship has stuff that gets on our nerves. As nobody is perfect, the way we are in relationship with our partner and what we put in our in-between (the space between the two partners that represents the relationship) is also less than perfect. This imperfection causes us frustration, angst, disillusionment, and pain.
Our relating and our in-between is made up of behaviors, attitudes, values, habits, perspectives, wishes, expectations, etc.
The more our behaviors are less than nurturing and supportive, our attitudes are negative, our values are misaligned, our habits are unhealthy and unproductive, are perspectives negate one another’s, our wishes clash, and our expectations are intrusive, the more challenging the interactions, more vulnerable the relationship, and more tenuous our connection and satisfaction with our partner.
It is imperative that we are mindful of what we bring to our interaction with our partner and what we put in our in-between!
Even though we are not perfect, we can endeavor to become and bring to our relationship a better us. It is our responsibility to look good for our partner, be nurturing and giving, put our best self forward, keep our side of the street clean, own ourselves, share, process and negotiate perspectives, wishes, and expectations, invite our partner to create a joint vision and manifest our dreams.
Partners have a tendency to worry about what and how much the other brings to the relationship. They are other focused and try to create a satisfying relationship by telling the other how to be and what to do. They then find their partner either becoming a hail-storm or a tortoise (hiding in their shell).
They try to manage this by doing more of the same – controlling and manipulating their partner! Stop telling your partner how to be and what to do and start minding how you are being and what you are doing – you only have control over you.
Take a peek at how you relate and what you put in your in-between and identify the stuff that is detrimental to you, your partner, your interactions and your connection. Anything you do or bring to an interaction and your in-between that raptures your connection has to go. It is time to spring clean your relationship!
Happy Spring Cleaning!
~ Your MetroRelationship™Assignment
Ask your partner for three things about how you are in the relationship that they don’t particularly appreciate or that is painful to them. Choose one and toss it (or change it)!
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
I can tell my couples how to do things till I’m blue in the face, but unless we play deeper change is not possible… I find that we have a tendency to look for immediate gratification, the quick fix, the easy way out, and the shortest path to the Promised Land. If this approach worked we would already be an amazingly evolved species…
Unfortunately, this is not the case. This approach does not work. We have to be in it to win… We have to have skin in the game to get the desired outcome. We have to have our two feet in to walk and enjoy the Journey. Investing anything less guarantees we won’t thrive, that we won’t create our Authentic Life and Awesome Relationship.
What I see happen is that we jump in with blinders to create what we desire. We think we know where we want to go and start going in that general direction, with our fingers crossed that we’ll find the way. Haphazardly we go in without a plan or a map.
We do this with our life, and with our relationship… We have no idea what we are doing or where we are going, and get upset when we get lost or go in the wrong direction… This is an absurd way to do our life and relationship.
We train, study, research, plan and set goals, and get support with other things we do… Actually, some don’t do this at all, and then they wonder how come nothing is working… We have to set ourselves up for success to create what we Desire…
How do we do that? There are three areas of focus to really get ourselves in order:
Consciously – We usually don’t know where we are going and how to get there. We have general ideas but don’t bother to create a clear destination, have a map and plan for getting there.
At this level we need to have a clear vision of what we desire – what we want our human experience to be, which can be further developed and tweaked as we go. And, we have to have a plan and support in place to get there. We need a vehicle with a full tank of gas, an itinerary and a map.
Subconsciously (or preconsciously) – We have a core set of beliefs that infiltrate and drive our behavior and approach to Life. We are usually blind to these unless we’ve invested in unearthing them. These are fear driven as a protective mechanism and operate as the break pedal on anything that appears “dangerous”… These beliefs are usually not in alignment with our “scary” desires and therefore manifest as sabotage…
At this level, we have to tune in, address and clean out our fears and limiting beliefs… We need to reprogram ourselves so our conscious and subconscious minds are congruent and in alignment. This clears up the traffic jams on our way to our destination.
Unconsciously – We have primitive, instinctual and built-in systems that are not directly or easily accessible. These include our embodied brain, our affective biological program, and our energetic molecular make up… This is our embodied Soul impacted by our human experience.
At this level, we have to change our blueprint, our very wiring, brain structure, biology, and energy integrating ourselves for higher Wellbeing. This enables us to fully own our Self and our Mission… We need to make repairs to our vehicle and service it along the way.
We struggle and create mediocre Lives because we fail to properly tend to our conscious, subconscious and unconscious minds… These comprise our operating system that we neglect to update and optimize… Trying and efforting to create the life and relationship we desire with an antiquated, short-circuiting, and malfunctioning system is a doomed quest right off the bat.
Our approach to our Life is inconsistent, haphazard, uninformed, unskilled, unsupported, unguided, and with limited resources. This is us inebriated at the wheel of malfunctioning vehicle without a GPS and trying to reach our destination with our feet both on the break and gas pedals… How in the world can we possibly lead Authentic Lives in this state and with this approach?
To top it off, our energetic vibrational frequency is low when we are “discombobulated”. We give mixed messages to the Universe (give me, don’t give me) as what we say we desire is energetically incongruent with our energy and approach. This contributes to the experienced stuckness and lack of forward movement… We compound the situation by attracting other low-vibe-frequency experiences adding to the drama and chaos in our life.
Our desires, abundance, love, service, philanthropy and the like, have high vibrational frequencies. It is our human responsibility to get to and maintain ourselves operating in high vibrational frequencies to be in alignment with our Desires and therefore able to accomplish our Mission…
Our Relationship is a tool, a vehicle, a mechanism, and a gift to assist us with all of the above… Anyway you look at it, our relationship serves a purpose… Put your relationship in its rightful place and get cranking on creating your Awesome Relationship, and Authentic Life!
Complete the MetroRelationship™ Assignment below to help you effortlessly implement this, make changes and immediately start experiencing your awesome relationship, and Authentic Life…
Happy Minding!
~ Your MetroRelationship™Assignment
Assess your current level of attention and investment you are putting into optimizing the functioning of your three minds (Conscious, Subconscious and Unconscious) to enable your Self to create your Awesome Relationship and Authentic Life.
Select one to shower with more attention, and take an action today to start investing in it. Starting points for each:
Conscious Mind – Have a visualization session where you see your future and how you desire it to be. Break down your vision into measurable goals. Set milestones and tasks to achieve your goals. Schedule your tasks. Enlist support to build skills, expand your tool kit and create systems to accomplish your tasks.
Subconscious Mind – Have a getting-in-tune session where you identify your limiting beliefs and messages, narrow scripts, ego driven attitudes, and fears. Expand and challenge your narrow range, repertoire, and distortions. Enlist support to upgrade your Mindset…
Unconscious Mind – Have a healing and growing-up session where you connect to your affect program and fragmented, fragile Self. Learn to easily bring this to consciousness, effectively address your feelings and meet your needs. Enlist support to mindfully, gracefully and appropriately approach integrating your Self…
Add this to your Tool Kit…
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
We are extremely powerful creatures created in God’s semblance. As we are all universally interconnected as energy and matter in the physical universe, we are omnipresent (present everywhere), omniscient (all knowing), omnipotent (all powerful) and we are Love itself. Now that is powerful.
Grasping this concept has huge implications for our relationship. This means that we are not separate from our partner. This means our partner can’t leave us (pursuer’s fear) or swallow us up (distancer’s fear) because we are connected – we are One.
This means that if we own are magnificence, that if we transcend the illusion, compulsion, egotism of being separate, that we can finally tap into our wholeness, into all of our power, into Love itself. What a glorious way to be!
Your negative thoughts of your partner affect your partner and bring your partner down, as they do you because you are One. Your neglect of your self hurts your partner. Your abuse of yourself abuses your partner. Your not using your full self in your life holds both of you back. Your not showing up to an interaction with your partner means you are not showing up to your self.
When you feel agitated, panicky, anxious, raging, depressed, sad, powerless – your partner feels it. When you are scary in your mind but try to be nice to your partner – you still frighten your partner. When you can’t soothe or contain yourself – you are spilling onto your partner even if they are across the globe.
When you are acting out and are reactive – you hurt both of you. When you shut down to your partner you also shutdown to your self. When you numb your feelings, your partner can’t feel you. And, vice versa. You can create a pretty nasty cycle with these.
Therefore, you are going to stop thinking separate. You are going to be ongoingly mindful of your Oneness and take care of it. You are going to stop thinking ill of your partner and yourself and beating your selves up.
You are going to contain and soothe your self, and care for and nurture your self and your partner. You are going to start doing this today – your relationship, your lives, and the universe depend on it! Embrace your full glory – transcend to Oneness! Happy Transcending!
~ Your MetroRelationship™Assignment Focus on the qualities and attributes you enjoy about your partner. Notice your partner’s attempts at giving, nurturing and connecting. Appreciate your partner’s efforts. Notice your partner’s pain. Empathize. Practice understanding and compassion towards your partner. It goes a long way…
Copyright (c) 2009-2014 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
Do you find that your relationship and life appear to be on pause? Do you feel like you’ve been in a hamster’s wheel? Does it feel like you are always back to square one, like you can’t get ahead, like life is passing you by? Does it feel like your relationship is not going anywhere? This is a very common feeling in some people’s lives and their relationship. This is experiencing Inertia.
Inertia is stuck energy that results from built-up resentment and anger, unspoken truths and unaddressed shame. This is the black hole that sucks up all your energy and resources – your very life. This is the antithesis of growth and healing. It behooves us to have the guts to open up and share our fears and vulnerabilities.
It behooves us to share our secrets. It behooves us to speak our mind, address our concerns, and get our needs met for if we don’t we are throwing our life away.
It takes courage to identify the source of our discomfort, discontent and pain. It takes greater courage to hold it, share it and address it. This is no easy feat. The challenge is that the status quo, as dissatisfying as it might be, is actually easier to deal with.
Changing patterns, growing and healing require work, consistent and dedicated work. The situation could be likened to a rubber band – you can stretch it but it always goes back. Only until it passes a critical point, where it gives, does it stay stretched.
The hint of the day is to keep at it and not to be discouraged when old patterns show up. Rome was not built in a day. The consistent effort will ensure that the changes sought happen and stick – for once placed in their new framework they will remain.
In the midst of all this work lurks ambivalence, uncertainty, fear, and pain; but if you are one of the lucky ones that can see the big picture, for you there is also elation, strength, and hope for you see the possibilities.
The transition from being stuck to living your authentic life is laborious, treacherous and full of snares. Transcend this and experience the promise of what is to come. Focus on the possibilities. Envision what you deserve and so it shall be.
Happy Stretching & Growing!
~ Your MetroRelationship™Assignment
As you start owning your Self and your life, and start holding your own and addressing concerns with loved ones, you will encounter resistance from your Self and others. This is the time to be gentle and caring to your Self, and responsively and lovingly hold your ground. Put a lot of self care in place for your Self and your relationship.
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
The only Time that exists is Now which encompasses our past and future as we understand them. I’ll spare you the physics lesson, but suffice it to say that at any moment in time we create our own reality and have access to all the information we need… I’ve created a powerful tool, Imagine Visiting with our Future Super Successful (FSS) Self who shows us the ropes to create what we desire in all areas of our life.
Mine is my cheerleader, counsel, guide, and coach. I figured Imagine Visiting with my FSS Self is a fun way to access information I already know, but don’t know I know… (If these concepts are foreign to you and you are having a reaction, just focus on the Imagining, visualizing, part of this… Either way it works marvelously…)
My FSS Self has it all figured out. She has cracked all the codes, is fully living her Authentic Life every moment, and is making a huge impact in the world through the lives of others… She knows what she is doing! Whenever I think small, get impatient, have doubts, or get in my own way in any way, she is there to nudge me in the right direction.
She knows what I’m capable of doing and how important my gifts are to the world. She knows what is best for me and for the world. So, I know what is best for me, and how to serve those I’m privileged to share this Journey with…
What do you know about your Authentic Self? What do you know about your FSS Self? What do you Know? See, I believe that we can all have our most magnificent lives, heal ourselves, have awesomest relationships and make a huge difference in the world. I think most of us choose to live mediocre lives… I invite you to say No to a mediocre life. To say, no more!
I invite you to take charge of your Life. I invite you to be the CEO of your Life. I invite you to own this new Identity, to have everything you do flow from this new place. I invite you to Live your life like you mean it. I invite you to accept your FSS Self’s guidance…
I invite you to embrace your FSS CEO Self as your new Identity. Can you see your new life? Can you taste it? Can you smell it? Can you hear it? Can you FEEL it? Sit with this concept for a moment. Your best possible and already super successful Self being in charge… Already living your magnificent Life, every moment!
What is different? What do you do differently? What parts of you are you accessing? What do you put in place to support you? How do you leverage your Self? How do you engage your best parts consistently? How do you invite your partner on this Trip? How do you stay the course?
How do you continually give your Self what it needs to show up in its most brilliant form? What priorities, boundaries, systems and structures do you need to put in place to elevate yourself? What else do you need to implement to assist you on your Journey? How else do you need to Be to Rock this Journey?
Since, I started Visiting with my FSS CEO Self, and embracing this as my new Identity, all my decisions are easier to make. My approach to everything is different… It’s surreal… Give it a try, pick an item you have to decide on and approach it from both Identities, your current and your embraced FSS CEO Self. See what you experience…
Now put your new FSS CEO Self Identity in charge of your relationship… Interact with your partner as if you already have your awesome relationship, the relationship of your dreams, the relationship you’ve desired. For why continue to waste time and be in pain, when you know the outcome… Start Living the outcome…
Make your future your Present… You can create your desired reality… Live your Awesome Relationship Now!
Complete the MetroRelationship™ Assignment below to help you effortlessly implement this, make changes and immediately start experiencing your awesome relationship, and Authentic Life…
Happy Living!
~ Your MetroRelationship™Assignment
At the beginning of each day, Visit with your FSS CEO Self and consult on what is to be your approach to the day, or to a specific issue. Embrace the FSS CEO Self Identity and operate from that place. Do this for a week, and then check-in on how you are feeling and what you’ve been able to accomplish, or change… Add this to your Tool Kit…
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
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Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT has been in the mental health profession in varying capacities for the past 20+ years. She is the Founder and Director of metrorelationship.com a psychotherapy and coaching practice specializing in working with busy professional and entrepreneurial couples who are struggling getting on the same page and feeling connected. The work helps couples create a radiant and successful relationship and meaningful life by becoming a strong partnership and increasing their connection, intimacy, and fun. Emma is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Relationship Strategy™.
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