First, if you are a Mom, sending you lots of love and appreciation for all you do and endure as a Mom… Second, if you are not a Mom, I’m sure there is a Mom in your life that you can Celebrate… And, third, we all have a Mother inside us to whatever extent. It’s part of the human condition to Care…
This is a perfect time to review how we are doing in the Caring department. How are we being amazing (not perfect) Moms to our children? How are we being amazing Caring individuals to the ones we love? How do we show care, tenderness, nurturing? How do we show up so that others know we Care?
Sometimes our intentions are misread, misheard, or misinterpreted… This happens more often than not. Whether it happens or not depends on a myriad of reasons:
The context – There could be a hurried, stressed, anxious, overwhelmed, hungry, tired, or such state by the sending or receiving party in the interaction that whatever is put out doesn’t come out or land well.
Our agenda – We can have the best of intentions to do something nice for someone, but it can be driven by our own needs and therefore might not match the needs or desires of the person we are trying to show Care.
Our style – Sometimes we mean well and it meets the need of the intended recipient, but our approach is lacking. We might be overbearing, pushy, critical, controlling, demanding, flashy, or the opposite, quiet, unassuming, simple, too practical, low key, undemonstrative, standoffish, etc. Either way it’s a challenge to receive what we put out.
Their script – Additionally, regardless of what we are doing the other person is using their lens to receive us. They have a preconceived notion about us, different expectations, their own narrative about life and the world. They’ll experience and interpret as they are programmed…
This plays a huge role in relationship with people and specially in relationship with our Partner. It is very interesting to be the witness if you may in Couple Therapy. From as much of a neutral stance that is possible, we (Therapists) are able to hear the partners’ messages how they are intended.
Though they might come out or land crooked, which is immediately evident by the other’s reaction… The same thing said by the Therapist is usually received better!
It is imperative that each Partner, or in the case of other relationships that both parties, mind their own side of the interaction: Taking care of their own state, taking care of their motivation and how they show up, and being mindful of the other person’s sensitives as best they can.
Our goal is to be our best Human Self… Part of that is being nice, caring, loving, and the like. It is our job to do that well. This does not mean Loving/Caring too Much as in being Codependent… Find out if you are Loving/Caring too Much HERE!
Our job is to show care appropriately, so that others feel the Care. If they are running from us or complaining they don’t get enough then our approach needs tweaking…
The best way to give targeted Care is by giving care in their Love Language and by giving it from our own circle, from us owning ourselves (not them!). Doing for others what they can do for themselves is part of being codependent… This is disempowering for the person we are supposedly caring for, and extremely frustrating in the end for the person delivering the so call “care”.
Assignment: Take stock of how Caring you are being, if you are being Amazing, codependent or sucky… Identify the main area (context, agenda, style or script) that usually gets you. Identify what you need to tweak about your approach. Identify 3 specific things to change, decide to change them, and go for it.
Any tweaking you do will have a major impact. People are sensitive to how we relate to them. If we show up differently, they’ll notice… Sometimes our shift is more internal than external, and it takes a while for it to become visible others. Don’t get mad at them if they don’t notice your efforts… Just keep doing your side…
Step up the good/appropriate Care you give others in your life. This can include simple appreciation and gratefulness for what they do and who they are… Doing this in and of itself is also good for you. With gratitude your brain goes into a different state, a feeling good state. Generosity, gratitude, kindness and such are related to our sense of Happiness. Everybody wins!
Enjoy the Care you give!
Share your takeaway, insights, and results by leaving a comment below! I’d love to hear how you are using this content.
Happy Caring!
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Copyright (c) 2019 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
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Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
