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Low desire and lack of intimacy epidemic

Low desire and lack of intimacy epidemic

This time of year, and specially with everything that’s going on, we might be feeling raw, sensitive, antsy, edgy, anxious, stressed, overwhelmed, depressed, unmotivated, lethargic, detached numb, and such. These feelings are more compounded when we are feeling disconnected, might be experiencing a bout of low intimacy, and have fewer opportunities for fun. This doesn’t help the low desire and lack of intimacy epidemic of the modern-day couple… 

A challenging trifecta: Feeling disconnected from our partner is usually accompanied by low desire and intimacy.  

We need connection to be physically intimate (usually women, female energy) and/or we need physical intimacy to be connected (usually men, male energy)… This creates a conundrum for couples.

This conundrum has a tendency to create an impasse for couples, for the partners might need the opposite of what the other needs to become intimate and feel connected… Made even more challenging by physical intimacy also depending on the partners’ desire (libido, sex drive) and their ability to be intimate…

You’d think it’d be easy to enjoy the benefit and gift of physical intimacy in our relationship!

There is so much that gets in the way of desire and intimacy for partners…

The 5 culprits of low intimacy (totally exacerbated with the ongoing pandemic!). In a nutshell:

  1. Exhaustion – you are too tired, your libido is dead
  2. Domesticity – your roles are squashing your male/female attraction energy
  3. Expectations – the noise in your head doesn’t allow you to get in your body
  4. Enmeshment – you are too together to experience the allure
  5. Boredom – there isn’t enough positive stimulation in your life and relationship

Your desire is at the mercy of your physiology and psychology:

  • Hormones which regulate energy, drive, motivation, mood and even your arousal
  • Self-esteem
  • Body image

Your desire and intimacy are at risk with any actual physical or medical conditions:

  • Cardiovascular disease
  • Diabetes
  • Prostate cancer
  • Breast cancer
  • Childbirth
  • Menopause/Andropause
  • To name a few

Stress has a huge impact on your wellbeing, lifestyle and coping choices which in turn also affect your libido. We all have our stresses, and our current world is just heaping it on. And no comment on the impact on lifestyle…

And of course, then we have the actual couple dynamics, and most likely your power struggle, at play to boot!

Not for nothing the modern-day couple (and specially during this pandemic times) has difficulties sustaining consistent and satisfying intimacy in their relationship.

There are a ton of entry points from where to address your current low desire and lack of intimacy. Addressing any (or combo as needed) of the items mentioned above will make a difference in your current state of affairs.

But I want to offer you the most direct path for more immediate relief… You see, your libido, sexuality and physical intimacy with your partner is what you make of it… At the end of the day, desire and intimacy is an inside job…

You have control over your own desire… When you focus on what your partner is doing, how they look, how they are showing up, what they contribute and such, you are extinguishing your desire… Desire is not about your partner. Desire is about you!

Desire as an inside job has to do with How You Choose To:

So, you see, desire and intimacy are not something that are happening out there and that depend on your partner. Desire and intimacy are something you create…

When you shift to looking at desire and intimacy as something you create, then you can create as much of it as you want!

ASSIGNMENT: Watch what scripts came up for you as you read this post, and as you percolate with this concept…

1. Mind how you:

        • Victimize yourself
        • Get in your partner’s circle
        • Entertain your limiting believes
        • Sabotage intimacy
        • Have a hard time trusting and letting go
        • Are stingy giving, receiving, allowing
        • Are not fully Being…

2. Make a commitment to Be in your relationship…

3. Select the item that resonates the most as something that gets in the way of your intimacy and decide to address it full on!

        • Create health and vitality
        • Look at your partner (get out of their circle!)
        • Interact and bring Swag
        • Be available and have energy
        • Ready yourself for sexy time
        • Relax and show up
        • Be grace-full, grateful, and generous 

Taking charge of your desire and intimacy is super empowering and exhilarating! What better time to embrace this as we continue to be impacted by the pandemic, are starting a new year, and are right around the corner from Valentine’s Day…

Make a commitment to reset your relationship and your marriage. Why not create a new marriage, or new relationship?! Let’s do this!

Happy Desiring!

 

PS1 –This month’s complimentary Themed Webinar is on January 29th, at 5 pm ET.  

3 Key Ingredients for Rekindling Love & Desire- Learn how to increase your connection, intimacy and fun

If you’ve been feeling disconnected, lonely, taken for granted, neglected, bored, boring and blah, and like roommates or ships passing in the night, this webinar is for you. All relationships experience slumps where there is disconnect and low or lack of intimacy. Where the partners question their compatibility, their attraction, and even their commitment. In this webinar you’ll learn how to increase your connection, intimacy and fun for more love, spark and joy in your relationship.

Increase Connection – Learn how to create, protect and sustain your connection, establish reciprocal loving, and generate closeness 
Increase Intimacy – Learn how to eliminate the blocks to desire, increase attraction and implement a Successful Date Night™ protocol
Increase Fun – Learn how to become more compatible, enjoy each other’s company, and have amazing experiences

You can create a radiant relationship!
Sign Up Here!

 

PS2 – As always, we are here for you! If you need more support creating your successful relationship and meaningful life, we are here to help. I’d be honored to speak with you about how we can help you. Schedule a Get Acquainted Call to connect, discuss how we can help you and how to get started. Look forward to Connecting with you!

 

PS3 – Related Posts: 
Are you ready for deeper connection with your spouse? 
Break the barrier to connection
Flexibility enables connection
Perception, mood and connection
Do you play with your partner?
Are you giving enough to your honey?
Are you being nice to your partner?
Do you have dirty thoughts about your partner?
Follow the path to passion and synergy
How to get more love from your partner
Yes, you can love too much…
How focusing can save your relationship
How to save your relationship
Start a new relationship, with your partner
Resource yourself, uplevel your marriage

 

   Copyright (c) 2021 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.

 

Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication? 

Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: 
Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Couple Strategy™ that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly connection notes in your inbox with Personal Development and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com

Intentional habits to glide into the New Year with ease

Intentional habits to glide into the New Year with ease

Happy New Year! The promise of new beginnings is just beyond alluring, is it not? Whether you are rocking it or are struggling, a new ride is just fun! We’ve had a heck of a 2020, and though there is light at the end of the tunnel 2021 is off to a slow start. I say we go with the flow, with tenderness and compassion. I say we glide into the new year with ease. 

Tenderness, compassion and ease does not mean taking it easy, being lazy or dragging butt! It just means doing it right and with finesse…

Last month we covered a whole process to help you wrap up the year and get set up to start the new one right. We:

~ Created space for the new by decluttering to lay the groundwork (step1)

~ Paved the way for the new by getting into the right frame of mind (step2)

~ Designed the strategy for the new by creating a vision and establishing goals (step3)

Now we get ready to ride the new ride well… We make sure we are resourced to do what it takes, to stay the course and to enjoy the way.

Now is the time to embrace a joy, connection and abundance mindset… To shift our focus from doing to Being… You can wrestle the thing to the ground and still make nothing happen, or not get the ultimate results you are looking for, if you approach it solely by doing… The key is to infuse it with your Being…

When you integrate doing and being in your life is when the Magic happens…

So, this is the focus of today’s message, how to live your life integrating doing and being to create a beautiful symphony…

The way I like to approach this is to first create the container for the experience, the music hall for the orchestra. Every instrument has its place and time to make its appearance in the masterpiece being played, so does everything in your life.

This is why I often write about Designing our Ideal Day, the music hall, and about embracing an Enrichment Lifestyle, the orchestra, and tending to it with Intentional Habits™, the instruments, so we can easily and masterfully create our Best Life, Transcendental music…

Using Habits to manage our doing and being is a brilliant way of staying focused on the right ladder against the right wall in all areas of our life while infusing it with our Presence… This is the easiest way to get all the right instruments in the right places so they can create their music…

Let’s say that you are focusing on upleveling your wellness (joy), connection (love) and success/creation/impact (abundance), as these are typically the areas people focus on improving… And, that you have goals for these for the year. And, that you are scratching your head as to how to achieve the goals. You might know what you need to do but are worried that you won’t stick with it to get the results desired.

This is where the Habits come in. They keep you focused and going without white-knuckling or depending solely on limited willpower. They help you effortlessly imbue your day with what is important to you, stay focused, and stay the course. 

Therefore, adding wellness, connection and success habits to your intentional ideal day that include Being mindful and present is the simplest and surest way to create Magic…

WELLNESS – this includes all kinds of tactics for increasing wellbeing, health, vitality, and longevity. This area is where I usually house the Self-Care Practice, which I strongly encourage includes a Mindfulness Practice

I place a strong emphasis on this area because it is extremely difficult to be able to connect with others and be successful if we are not connected to ourselves first… and functioning optimally…

Having a rich self-care practice, practicing loving ourselves…, not only keeps us healthy and energetic but it helps us with self-regulation and resilience. This is a huge aspect of personal development and evolution…

When we don’t abandon ourselves, we don’t worry about others not being there for us.

And, we bring cleaner energy and resourcefulness to our interactions… This is what helps us show up well for our loved ones, and enables us to create our meaningful and impactful life…

So, when you say you don’t have time for self-care, I say you don’t have time to not have time for self-care!

Some suggestions for your Wellness Habits:

  • Early rising
  • Meditation, prayer, affirmations, visualization, silence
  • Journaling, Morning Pages, inspirational reading or listening
  • Set an intention for the day
  • Skin brushing, face rolling, body rolling, massage, infrared light, cold showers, silk or satin sheets, eye-drops
  • Juicing, smoothies, warm lemon water (with turmeric, ginger, and cayenne pepper), green teas, structured water
  • Exercise Routine (weight training, HIIT, stretching), jaw exerciser, good posture
  • Supplements, probiotics, lectin shield, colon cleanse
  • Plant based gluten and lectin free nutrition
  • Reduce carbs, caffeine and alcohol
  • Intermittent fasting, early dinners, Sleep Healthy Brain Aid (2 tbl MCT Oil and 2 tbl of collagen powder 2 hours before bedtime), daily floss and mouth wash, brain exercises
  • Screenless time, social media detox, reduce blue light
  • Early to bed
  • Gratitude List, Gratitude Journal

CONNECTION – this is about connecting with our higher power, with our self, with our loved ones, with our community and with the world at large… The relationships we create are the strongest indicator of resilience, vitality and longevity… Our connection to other people and our relationships are what give our life meaning

Connection gives us safety, security, and belonging primal drivers in our Human Experience. Connection is what makes relationships special, what gives us joy, what makes our heart sing. In connection we know we exist…

In connection we know we are having a Human Experience…

When partners complain about feeling disconnected from their partner they are not just whining, they are sharing they are in pain. They are in existential pain… Specially as they are also disconnected from themselves… Which we know they are because they feel disconnected from their partner…

You see when we complain we are feeling disconnected from our partner, we are actually complaining we are disconnected from ourselves…

We can’t fully connect with our partner if we are disconnected from ourselves…

 So, for those of us who are super achievers in an effort to be known and to meet the need of knowing we exist… we are shooting ourselves on the foot with all the doing… All the doing is holding ourselves back from being in relationship with ourselves and others… All the doing is holding ourselves back from Being itself…

This is why a Self-care Practice is paramount in personal development and relationship enrichment work… This allows us to Be, to be with ourselves, and to know we exist… Then we can have a relationship with our partner and enhance the level of intimacy in our relationship

When people set goals for the year, they usually neglect setting goals for their relationship… When people design their Best Life, they usually don’t flesh out how they want to Be in their relationship… When people think about their Lifestyle, they don’t necessarily think of a creating a Relationship Enrichment Lifestyle™

A relationship enrichment lifestyle means we keep our connection and our partner forefront in our mind. The easiest way to do that without being consumed with our relationship at the expense of what we are trying to live is to create Connection Habits™

Some suggestions for your Connection Habits:

  • Meditation
  • Morning Coffee
  • Midday Check-in
  • Midday Connection Outreaches
  • Random Check-ins
  • Late Afternoon Sync
  • Anytime Connection Outreaches
  • Evening Reentry Ritual
  • Dinner
  • Weekly Special Dinner
  • Woo Wednesday
  • Family Night
  • Couple Time
  • Evening Ritual
  • Bedtime Ritual
  • Sexy Time
  • Friday Friends Night
  • Volunteer/Impact Projects Time
  • Saturday Date Night
  • Special Date Night
  • Sunday Ritual

SUCCESS – is whatever makes us feel we achieved what we are Meant to achieve, what we Desire, what our Purpose is, what we want our Human Experience to be… Success is not about having a gazillion dollars… Though being wealthy and financial freedom can very well be part of our definition, in and of itself is empty and not rewarding…

Financial success is more meaningful and rewarding when achieved through providing value…

Success as it is usually measured and at the expense of health and relationships is not success in my book. The degrees, awards, companies, assets, material things and the like don’t necessarily make for a richer Human Experience… They might, depending on how they are achieved and utilized…

Pursuing this success for its own sake defeats the purpose of Life… So, when you are told you have to sacrifice, that something needs to give and such to be successful, I say be weary. Don’t let that limiting mindset pollute your mind and hold you back from your fullest potential…

Being intentional about your life allows you to create your Best Life! 

The key here is to go big on the experience you want to have… To identify and own your Personal Prime Directive™ (PPD), to own your brilliance, to own all of you and to put it to work as wisely as possible… It’s not about doing more… It’s about doing it better…

Doing it better means we use our PPD as a filter for commitments, projects, activities, tasks and all the rest of it. It means we are selective and focused on the target of our attention. And, it means we are resolute in our approach…

Some suggestions for your Success Habits:

  • Embrace Graceful TimeMapping™
  • Plan your week flow on Sunday
  • Share any important scheduling with your partner on Sunday
  • Join the 5 AM Club (this means you go to sleep earlier also!)
  • Have an empowering Morning Routine
  • Review your goals
  • Use the first hour on Monday to plan out your work for the week
  • Schedule your work into your TimeMap (batch work, chunk work)
  • Build in margin and transition times into your routine
  • Build in bio and recharge breaks into your routine
  • Protect your focus work time from distractions
  • Assign time to read email and return calls
  • Assign minimal time to check the news and social media
  • Attend 1-3 networking events per week
  • Have 2 coffees or networking conversations per week
  • Connect with 3 center of influence contacts per day, nurture your connections
  • Use templates, check lists and/or automate repeatable tasks
  • Subscribe to Smart Delegation
  • Delegate or outsource items outside your brilliance
  • Have outstanding follow through, keep your word
  • Wrap-up the workday and the week, do daily and weekly reviews
  • Use a MasterMind, a coach, and other support
  • Always be learning and growing
  • Learn to be comfortable with being uncomfortable, develop courage

Now the three habits list can be a bit overwhelming at first glance if you are new to building habits and taking charge of your life…

Don’t worry, Rome wasn’t built in a day… You don’t have to do all of them or too many to start getting results in your life, and certainly you don’t have to start too many at once. The key is to start somewhere and keep going. You’ll be making incredible leaps in upleveling your life in no time!

ASSIGNMENT: Select one tactic from each list to add to your repertoire…

1.  With each tactic create a corresponding Wellness, Connection and Success Habit. Each habit is to be a concrete quantifiable repeatable behavior at the frequency of your choice that gets plopped into your Daily Routine.

2. Calendar your Habits – build then into your schedule… Adjust your schedule as necessary…

3. For each habit make sure you prep before you are to start them – have all the information, instructions, supplies, gadgetry, tools, resources, etc. to make sure the behavior can be carried out at its allotted time…

Getting good at creating habits makes a world of difference when it comes to upleveling your life… This ensures you implement and carryout consistently and effortlessly anything your heart desires. Before you know it you are Living your Best Life!

Happy Living!

PS1 – Monthly Complimentary Themed Webinar, now on replay:
Get Ready Now to Start the New Year Right-
3 Steps for Hitting the Ground Running in 2021 

-Do the Prep work – declutter and clean, wrap-up and closure, acknowledge and celebrate 
-Do the Vision work – align, dream, envision 
-Do the Plan work – set the right goals and intentions…

This is an extremely powerful process you can’t do without… It’ll help you align with your authentic and higher self, your purpose, your brilliance and your values, and create a plan for more results, wellness, and connection… Start the new year right! 
Sign Up Here! 


PS2 – Check out Related Posts:
Giving to yourself for ultimate success
Give the Gift of Understanding and Compassion…
Giving, meaning and success
Letting go, productivity and meaningful holidays
Acknowledge and celebrate your accomplishments
Intentionally plan your holidays and year-end
Feeling funky, visioning and strategic planning
Create your best relationship year
Are you achieving your relationship goals?
How to waltz into the New Year!
Staying motivated with your new year’s intentions
New habits, routines and motivation
The power of having Intentional Habits™


PS3 – Get your
Quotes & Quickies™ for this post!

 

   Copyright (c) 2021 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.

 

Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication? 

Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: 
Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Couple Strategy™ that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly connection notes in your inbox with Personal Development and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com

End-of-year closure, clearance and celebration (Step2)

End-of-year closure, clearance and celebration (Step2)

Yes, 2020 has been challenging. Yes, 2021 seems to want to start on a rough foot also… But we don’t have to let it! It is our job to create our best life regardless of what is happening out there, to the best of our ability… Today’s topic is the second step in putting a bow on it and launching into the New Year with pizzaz. I’ll cover how to do closure, clearance and celebration for paving the path for the new year. 

In the last issue I covered decluttering and minimalism to lay the groundwork for setting up the new year right… That allowed us to create wiggle way for maneuvering and Being… It created space for new flow, new energy, new creations…

Before we fill up our new wonderful space again with any kind of stuff, it behooves us to align with our desires and purpose so we lean the ladder against the right wall… And, we have to be on the right frame of mind to do that… Today’s topic is about getting on the right frame of mind…

We have to: 
~ Close and wrap unfinished business. 
~ Clear and let go of what’s already passed. 
~ Celebrate and acknowledge our efforts, accomplishments and awesomeness. 

When we ready ourselves and take the time to pave the right path is when we have an easier Journey…

Our Journey has in it exactly what it’s supposed to have – the gifts, the loved ones, the connections, the resources, the challenges and all the rest of it. It is all for us… We signed up for this human experience to have a full Human Experience… So, let’s do that. Let’s make sure we don’t miss what’s under our noses and don’t live our life by default just banging around…

When we intentionally show up to our life is when we are able to create our successful and radiant relationship with our Partner and our meaningful and all-around abundant life…

End-of-year Step2 helps us get in the right frame of mind, in our right mind…, to set and pursue the right intentions for the life we want and create an amazing relationship with our partner…

We have to close and wrap unfinished business – This can refer to different things for each of us depending on what is happening in our lives. It can range from finally choosing a wedding date, to putting our house on the market, to getting a full medical check-up, to closing the deal, to wrapping up projects, to addressing childhood wounds or resentments…

It’s important to identify for yourself what is taking up the most space, time, energy, and other resources and making a commitment to finally addressing this. Get the monkey off your back!

The best way to do that is to pay attention to what’s the first thing that came up for you as you read the above… Or, to get quiet and ask yourself what needs closure… Pay attention to what comes up for you. Don’t question it, whatever comes up needs to get addressed if you are to make headways in creating the relationship and life you want…

Make a Wrap-Up Plan to address this – completing the project, having the tough conversation, setting more effective boundaries, taking a specific action, and so forth. Crank it baby!

We have to clear and let go of what’s already passed or is keeping us stuck – This is challenging as a lot of feelings are tied up with this one… And, the things to let go can take on any flavor as well. They can range from feeling angry for how we were raised, feeling let down for not getting engaged yet, feeling disappointed or frustrated at not getting pregnant, feeling jealous about the attention someone else is getting, feeling envious of somebody else’s successes, feeling resentment for being passed on for a promotion or not getting a contract, feeling devastated or grief over a loss, and so on…

All this angst is heavy. It is imperative that we clear the air and let go to allow for lightness, flow and ease…

The best way to do this is to select the thing that keeps running in your mind and torturing you. If you have a running script riddled with negativity, lack, and heaviness, you are probably not feeling very well… And, you are probably not doing very well… This will show up in your health, relationship, finances and the rest of your life… Do a letting go process or ritual to let go…

Write a Goodbye Letter about the situation (not be sent to anyone), really fleshing out your feelings and addressing the grievance. This is an empowering way to get it out of your system and externalizing it. Make sure you cover everything that’s bothering you and then close it with understanding for it, compassion for yourself and a gesture to release your grip on it…

We have to celebrate and acknowledge our efforts, accomplishments and awesomeness – Yay, finally on to the good one! This is the one that even though it’s wonderful we still take it for granted. It is so important to validate ourselves, to recognize our contributions, to acknowledge our efforts, investment and dedication, to celebrate our accomplishments and to own our awesomeness.

But do we do it? No. We are really good at checking things off our list and moving on. We are really good at being humble. We are really good at not taking credit. We are really good at minimizing our efforts and contributions. We are really good at putting ourselves down, looking for the flaws and what needs improvement. We are really good at using our lack filter and honoring our negativity bias… Being good at these things is not good! LOL

The best gift we can give ourselves, our loved ones and the world at large, is to turn this on its head. So, the best approach is to target that negativity bias, lack mentality and self-deprecating mindset…

It really is time to stop this… It is time to love on yourself… Make a Love Myself List of all that you weathered this year, all that you accomplished, all the ways in that you stretched, learned, and showed up with the best self you could muster… Delight in the awesomeness. Give yourself a pat on the back!

When you start tackling these processes, you’ll automatically start feeling a shift… It might feel very uncomfortable at first as you’ll be stirring stuff up… This is worthy price to pay, I promise. Stay the course regardless of how uncomfortable you get…

You’ll soon see the light at the end of the tunnel, and you’ll start experiencing the positives of the shift… If you get too uncomfortable before the light at the end of the tunnel and it becomes challenging for you, by all means get support. Don’t just stop and quit your transformation… We want you ready for 2021 and to keep creating your best life!

ASSIGNMENT: This assignment is super powerful when done to completion, please don’t cheat yourself:

      • Create undisturbed time to play with this Step
      • Create an inspiring setting to play in – bring a candle, essential oil, journal, preferred day beverage, wrap or blanket, whatever makes you feel homey and pampered
      • Ground yourself with a mediation, prayer, deep breathing or such
      • Start your process – go through each of the Step’s processes: 
        ~ Close – Make a Wrap-Up Plan 
        ~ Clear – Write a Goodbye Letter 
        ~ Celebrate – Make a Love Myself List

The more you dive into your process and embody your experience, the more you’ll allow for your shift… And, the more you’ll have the right frame of mind for the last step in getting ready for the new year… Give it your best and enjoy!

Our tendency to go-go, to jump in, to push forward, to start new things before closing old ones, and such does not serve us… Let’s be intentional about our life instead, let’s live the life we want…

Happy Paving!

 

PS1 – Monthly Complimentary Themed Webinar, 12/18 at 5 pm ET: 
Get Ready Now to Start the New Year Right-
3 Steps for Hitting the Ground Running in 2021 

-Do the Prep work – declutter and clean, wrap-up and closure, acknowledge and celebrate 
-Do the Vision work – align, dream, envision 
-Do the Plan work – set the right goals and intentions…

This is an extremely powerful process you can’t do without… It’ll help you align with your authentic and higher self, your purpose, your brilliance and your values, and create a plan for more results, wellness, and connection… Start the new year right! 
Sign Up Here! 
(also available in replay!)


PS2 – Check out Related Posts:
Giving to yourself for ultimate success
Give the Gift of Understanding and Compassion…
Giving, meaning and success
Letting go, productivity and meaningful holidays
Acknowledge and celebrate your accomplishments
Intentionally plan your holidays and year-end
Feeling funky, visioning and strategic planning
Create your best relationship year
Are you achieving your relationship goals?
How to waltz into the New Year!
Staying motivated with your new year’s intentions
New habits, routines and motivation
The power of having Intentional Habits™


PS3 – Get your Quotes & Quickies™ for this post!

 

   Copyright (c) 2020 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.

 

Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication? 

Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: 
Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Couple Strategy™ that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly connection notes in your inbox with Personal Development and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com

Numbing for coping with stress specially during the holidays…

Numbing for coping with stress specially during the holidays…

The Holiday Season is here! This time of year is usually challenging regardless of how crazy the world is out there. What makes this season usually more challenging is that we trip into it and get sucked into the hecticness. This sets us up for chaos, being stretched too thin, overwhelm, drama, and too much noise. Where we end up neglecting, and even abusing, ourselves trying to get it all done or managing what comes up… This is the perfect formula for us to turn to numbing for coping with stress during the holidays…

When we turn to numbing, we actually make things worse…

Stress during the holidays has to do with:

  • How much there is to do. We usually have full plates and then add all the holidays tasks to it.
  • Wrapping up the year professionally or in our business. We have goals to meet for projects and revenue.
  • Taking stock of where we are. The end-of-year and being witnessed by others more closely showcases are achievements or lack thereof.
  • Managing family dynamics. At minimum, we have family members needs and preferences to consider. Most have other drama and trauma to contend with us well.
  • Triggering memories, expectations, and any lack-consciousness we might have. We have additional expenses, we have worthiness issues, we have codependency issues and a lot more.

This basic list is enough to highlight why this time is so rough. There is so much going on practically, mentally and emotionally… I tackled some of the practical and mental side of things in the last blog post. Today, I want to focus on the emotional side to help you better cope during this intense time.

~ We can be preventative by not getting sucked into the season’s nuttiness unprepared which creates more drama, busyness and overwhelm. 
~ We can be preventative by designing our holiday and year-end experience, so we stay grounded and cool as the season progresses.
~ We can be preventative by choosing how we want to experience the season and embodying the choice.

We can do an amazing job of all this, and we’d be way ahead of the game, yet we might still experience negative feelings and get triggered…

And, what usually happens is that we go into survival mode and employ our usual defense mechanisms to weather the storm.

We might go into:

  • Overdrive to get things done neglecting to take care of our basic needs. We might neglect our sleep, eating, hydration, exercise. Never mind sustaining our rich self-care practice…
  • Autopilot and go through the motions just to check-off the list, meet expectations and responsibilities, and/or to just get through it…
  • Shutdown mode where we are barely functioning and let ourselves and others down.

Through this we are trying not to feel the awful feelings we might be feeling, and so additionally turn to behaviors and coping mechanisms of the numbing nature. These can take on many forms… They don’t have to be the usual drinking, drugging, eating, and spending.

The Numbing Coping can also take on the form of: Excessing shopping, looking for deals, going down rabbit holes with email offers, online-surfing, hanging-out in social channels, binge watching Netflix, YouTube or other entertainment platform, binging on pornography, cleaning, grooming, organizing, and so on… You might seem to be having an OCD attack. LOL

The pursuit of these activities not only give us comfort as they give us easy access to the feel-good hormones, but they keep our attention otherwise engaged… This means we can’t feel our actual feelings and don’t have space or attention to address what is creating the feelings… Additionally when we operate this way, we lose motivation to go get it, as we have a feel-good source though temporary and not meaningful. When we cope with numbing, we end up creating more issues for ourselves.

Numbing Coping is what zaps our zest for life!

When we turn to numbing as our coping mechanism on a consistent basis, this becomes part of our MO. We essentially mute ourselves, deprive ourselves of our motivation and drive, shut ourselves off from our internal resources, become disconnected from our Higher Self, from our loved ones and from the world. We become robotic in our daily life, actually missing out on our Human Experience…

Instead of numbing ourselves for an easier ride, how about we actually manage ourselves and our life for a more exquisite and meaningful ride?

I get it’s not easy to experience the possibility of our full range of emotions… I get it’s not easy to feel what comes up, learn from it and make the changes we desire. I get it’s not easy to actually choose and create the feelings and experience we prefer and are after…

This doesn’t mean it’s impossible. I know it’s a foreign concept to some that we can actually choose how we want to feel and feel it… That we create not only with our doing, but primarily with our Being… That we can Be how we choose… That we are humbly that powerful…

We might not be able to flip the switch and all of a sudden be experts at this. It is not easy to break the numbing habit… But, we can make a commitment to actually live our life, we can start where we are, and we can go at it with gusto.

This means you enlist your support system for encouragement, resources and the holding you might need. And, this might mean you get additional professional support if you are serious about cracking the code. Why take longer and struggle when you can benefit from an expert to make this easier?

Commit to being the owner and manager of your feelings and mood, so you don’t have to depend on the numbing coping and can actually engage in and enjoy your life to the fullest!

Start where you are:

  • Identify your preferred and miscellaneous numbing coping you use
  • Identify what you are numbing, what feelings you are avoiding
  • Identify what’s uncomfortable about those feelings, how they are familiar, what they bring up, what meaning you are giving that, how you victimize yourself, how you disempower yourself
  • Identify the secondary gain of not feeling your feelings, how you maintain the status quo, how you keep yourself stuck…

Please note that this level of awareness, and exposure even to yourself, creates vulnerability. You might feel a bit wobbly after doing this exercise. Reward yourself for your courage and strength with some natural, recharging and meaningful pampering.

This work in and of itself is huge. You’ll feel liberation and empowerment.

The next step is to take action toward replacing the numbing coping with a healthy habit or behavior, and a tweaked daily routine or plan that is less triggering… Now you are ready for your deeper work to handle this for good…

First things first. Plant a flag and start with soothing the current emotions and addressing immediate triggers. Then, set yourself up to take care of your deeper work so you do make your lasting change and live the life you want…

ASSIGNMENT: Let’s keep it really simple, shall we?

First – Do the practical preventative aspects of planning out the holidays and the year-end so you minimize the stress…

Second – Take stock of how you tend to numb, commit to feeling your feelings instead and manage them properly (self-care practices are the key)…

Third – Make a commitment to doing the deeper work so you are not so susceptible to triggers and not feeling well…

When you choose to not numb out as part of your repertoire in life but instead to deal with your life, you are actually living your life… Woot!

Make a commitment to live an engaged and meaningful life! Start this holiday season, make it your business for 2021…

Happy Living!

 

PS1 – Monthly Complimentary Themed Webinar, 11/20 at 5 pm ET:
Coping with Life & Holidays Stress- Neutralize your Anxiety, Really Live your Life 
-Preventing and managing the drama and pain in uncertainty 
-Understanding and addressing your triggers and their fallout 
-Becoming a conscientious self-manager to take charge of your feelings and your mood
Sign Up Here!

PS2 – We are having Facebook Lives to go along with our blog posts! Tune-in on Thursdays at 10:30 am ET (calendar or watch the recordings!)

PS3 – Check out Related Posts:
Do you have dirty thoughts about your partner?
Do you play with your partner?
Are you giving enough to your honey? 
Are you being nice to your partner?
Feeling stuck in your relationship? 
Do you support each other?
Are you ready for deeper connection with your spouse?
When do you get on your partner’s nerves? 
How much do you get your partner?
Can you change your partner? 
Can’t get your partner to do what you want?
How do you show your commitment?

PS4 – Get your Quotes & Quickies™ for this post!

 

   Copyright (c) 2020 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.

 

Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication? 

Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: 
Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Couple Strategy™ that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly connection notes in your inbox with Personal Development and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com

Holidays thoughts stressing you out?

Holidays thoughts stressing you out?

We know the Holidays and year-end can be stressful and triggering. We deal with this every year. But now we have the added pressure of a raging pandemic added to the mix. We have the sensitivities and aftermath of a close and tumultuous election. We have the flavor of what 2020 has been hanging over our heads. Hey, it makes sense that holiday thoughts are stressing you out, probably a lot more than usual.

You might be experiencing a lot of angst and have already encountered tough decision moments. Or, you haven’t given the holidays and year-end much thought yet. Either way whether you’ve been in it or will be in it and to whatever extent, do keep in mind that this is not our usual season. And, it might be super helpful to be extra intentional about going into the last bit of the year…

We don’t want to be blindsided. We don’t want to be kicked in the teeth with unpleasant surprises. We don’t want to be unprepared. We don’t want to get sucked into major drama. We don’t want to be victimized. We don’t want to make things worse for ourselves. We don’t want to end the year in a low note. We still want to make the best of 2020!

We can address this from two angles:

Logistics, practical and external – we can put our preventative, proactive and progressive hat on and get really creative and resourceful about how we go about the holidays and year-end. We can make as much or as little of the restrictions and impact facing us as we allow. We can work around them and make the best of things. It is what it is after all. The sooner we embrace that this is not our usual holiday season and treat it as such, the easier things will go.

When we resist and try to force things, it’s when we feel powerless and hopeless. This is the feeling we want to prevent by getting ahead of it. And, we can by thinking outside the box and using with situation as an opportunity to stretch ourselves and try out different things for fit…

This is an opportunity to have a real different holiday and year-end experience. Take advantage of it!

Meaning, emotional and internal – if you thought the above was challenging, then hang on to your panties. This is where the real angst is, this is what trips people up. The expectations, family dynamics, unresolved traumas and issues, and the meaning we assign everything… As soon as the holidays and year-end start approaching, some people’s heart increase their palpitations… Add to it this year’s extra pressures, fatigue and rawness. It can be tough.

The key here is to do the emotional preparedness side of things as you notice your dysregulation… You might notice your edginess, impatience, intolerance, less bandwidth, lack of focus, spinning, shortness of breath, pit in your stomach, cravings, insomnia, headaches, back pain, fatigue, and other emotional and physical states that don’t feel so great.

These are signs to take care of yourself and be intentional about how you proceed for a more pleasant and enjoyable experience…

Here are 3 tactics to help you ride the wave the rest of 2020:

~Be super intentional about how you want the holidays to go and make your plans accordingly. Use this opportunity to have different holidays, why not make them positively memorable.

~Be super intentional about being preventative and proactive to minimize drama and triggers. Identify what usually triggers you during this time and address the root cause, why not be more diligent in taking care of yourself.

~Be super intentional about successfully wrapping up the year. Decide what’s important to you to tackle and accomplish before the end of the year, why not end 2020 with a bang.

We are usually great at piling it on and tackling the world’s problems. We want to make sure in general, and especially now with everything that is going on, that we go at it with ease. That our intentionality helps us set effective boundaries, so we don’t over pile it on. That it helps us be preventative and proactive about our wellness and resilience. That it helps us create joy, meaning and connection.

If we are intentional about our approach to the rest of the year, we’ll create what we desire. The key is to get ahead of it, not wing it or do it by default.

ASSIGNMENT: Choose the area that is giving you the most angst and tackle it with gusto:

The practical side of the holidays – make them different and memorable, why not
Emotional side of the holidays – get to the root of your triggers, why not
Accomplishing goals by year-end – go for the gold, why not

Life is what you make of it. Make it a good one!

This time of year is usually challenging for people without all the added layers 2020 brings to it. Don’t allow yourself to fall victim to the restrictions and any gloom. You can create a beautiful ending anyway…

Happy Creating!

 

PS1 – Monthly Complimentary Themed Webinar, 11/20 at 5 pm ET:
Coping with Life & Holidays Stress- Neutralize your Anxiety, Really Live your Life 
-Preventing and managing the drama and pain in uncertainty 
-Understanding and addressing your triggers and their fallout 
-Becoming a conscientious self-manager to take charge of your feelings and your mood
Sign Up Here!

PS2 – We are having Facebook Lives to go along with our blog posts! Tune-in on Thursdays at 10:30 am ET (calendar or watch the recordings!)

PS3 – Check out Related Posts:
Do you have dirty thoughts about your partner?
Do you play with your partner?
Are you giving enough to your honey? 
Are you being nice to your partner?
Feeling stuck in your relationship? 
Do you support each other?
Are you ready for deeper connection with your spouse?
When do you get on your partner’s nerves? 
How much do you get your partner?
Can you change your partner? 
Can’t get your partner to do what you want?
How do you show your commitment?

PS4 – Get your Quotes & Quickies™ for this post!

 

   Copyright (c) 2020 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.

 

Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication? 

Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: 
Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Couple Strategy™ that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly connection notes in your inbox with Personal Development and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com

Embrace the art of self-care for increased self-regulation and resilience

Embrace the art of self-care for increased self-regulation and resilience

It’s amazing how often I hear that people don’t have the time to do self-care… When their lives literally depend on it… I’m not sure if they look at self-care as a luxury – like having a spa day or laying on a chaise eating bonbons – that they shouldn’t have? But really, in this day and age to not prioritize self-care when it at the very least increases resilience? I look at self-care as a duty and a responsibility to ensure our wellbeing, and our ability to show up with our Best Self and create the relationship and life we desire… It is our duty to Embrace the Art of Self-Care…

When we embrace self-care as part of our daily responsibilities, we experience a shift in how we prioritize, how we approach our day and how we are able to create the time for it…

A rich Self-Care Practice ensures we:

~Optimize our functioning and wellbeing – health, vitality, energy, mood, focus and bandwidth…

~Are grounded and Connected with our self, that we are solid in our core and operate with authenticity…

~Are in Alignment with our Purpose, that we are creative, progressive and productive.

When we invest on our Selves in this way – we are showing ourselves Love and Compassion. Nurturing. We have our own back… We are there for ourselves, we don’t abandon ourselves

It is very interesting to witness that the partners that suffer or struggle the most, feel overwhelmed and unsupported, and complain that their partner are not there for them enough – are the partners who least focus on having their own back… They focus on what the other is doing or not doing for them, as opposed to what they are doing for themselves…

The focus on the other triggers them making the whole thing even more challenging, and self-care even more important for its self-regulatory properties…

When partners don’t approach their day with intentionality and some self-love (self-care) and rush into their day putting out fires and allowing themselves to be pulled in 100 different directions, they will get banged about and thrown off what they want to accomplish. This is one of the meanest ways for us to go about our day and to treat ourselves, second only to beating ourselves up with our own thinking…

We want to be kind and nice to ourselves, so that we can attend to becoming the best version of ourself and showing up with our Best Self, Authentic Self, more and more consistently. So, we can show up well to create our best relationship and best life – our Successful Relationship and Meaningful Life… So, we can have our Best Human Experience…

When we invest in ourselves with a rich self-care practice, we are more regulated, contained, grounded, patient, responsive, motivated, happy, compassionate, present, peaceful, resourceful, enthusiastic, appreciative, open, flexible, solid, secure, sensitive, sensible, joyful, forgiving, giving, generous, and so much more…

It behooves us to take care of ourselves to have a real good life…

I get that making time for self-care might feel frivolous when we have what seem like more important to-dos on our agenda… I can still fall into this misconception sometimes when I create very ambitious agendas… Believe me I get it. When one is a super-achiever, one can be one’s own worst enemy…

But I challenge you to give this a serious try for when you realize that you can actually be more productive in less time with more ease and joy, save your marriage and raise amazing children, then you get hooked! 

You can start slow, you don’t have to flip the switch and start with radical and extreme self-care. There is a whole range, a spectrum in embracing the Art of Self-Care. Your Self-Care Practice is what you make of it and what you want it to be.

In mine:

-I have my basics that I totally miss and feel the impact should I skip them for some reason.

-Then I add another layer as I’m willing to create the time for it.

-And, then I can really step it up when I feel the need for more or just for kicks to take things to the next level…

I know that when one is struggling, it’s very challenging for them to even think about this and never mind take action toward implementing even the simplest activity.

The key to get over the hump is in proactively and preemptively expanding our mindset, to take responsibility for our wellbeing, and in tweaking our daily routine so the Self-Care Practice becomes automatic… This is the Art of Self-Care…

Your Self-Care Practice can include any activity that recharges, restores, rejuvenates and gives you Joy… Activities that reconnect you to your Higher Self are the best… These tend to give the most bang for the investment… They usually fall within a Mindfulness Practice…

The activities can be physical, mental, social, and spiritual and can take on any form. The key is to break from the usual noise and to intentionally do something for yourself. Some activities give you little value and positive impact, others are super rich… More is not necessarily better… It’s up to you create the flavor of your Practice and decide how much you want to invest in it and what benefits you are looking for. 

A rich self-care practice improves vitality, youthfulness, longevity, happiness, connection, love, success… It’s up to you how you want to do your life- Do you want to struggle or flow with ease?

Embracing the Art of Self-Care ensures you do you, your relationship and your life effortlessly, gracefully, and joyfully…

ASSIGNMENT: Make a commitment to uplevel your Self-Care Practice, to Embrace the Art of Self-Care…

-Make a list of activities that interest you in the 4 categories: Physical, mental, social and spiritual. Be open to different things to create a rich repertoire.

-Take a look at your Daily Routine and carve out some time to integrate an activity.

-Select something new or that you’ve been trying to add into your lifestyle from your list and add it to your carved-out time.

-Here is a Self-love Meditation to add to your Mindfulness Practice…

Having a Self-Care Practice doesn’t have to be challenging, you just need to want it and prioritize it…

Happy Self-caring!

 

PS1 – Monthly Complimentary Themed Webinar:
Increase Your Personal Mastery and Relationship Enrichment in 90 Days- Take your Wellness, Connection and Prosperity to the Next Level! 
-Take control of your mind and your day 
-Adopt a Relationship Enrichment Mindset and Lifestyle
-Embrace the Art of a Self-Care Practice 
-Get along, get on the same page, and get things done as a team 
-Deepen your connection and enhance your intimacy 
Sign Up Here!

PS2 – We’ll be having Facebook Lives to go along with our blog posts! Tune-in on Thursdays at 10:30 am ET (mark your calendar!)

PS3 – Check out Related Posts:
Do you have dirty thoughts about your partner?
Do you play with your partner?
Are you giving enough to your honey? 
Are you being nice to your partner?
Feeling stuck in your relationship? 
Do you support each other?
Are you ready for deeper connection with your spouse?
When do you get on your partner’s nerves? 
How much do you get your partner?
Can you change your partner? 
Can’t get your partner to do what you want? 
How do you show your commitment?

PS4 – Get your Quotes & Quickies™ for this post! 

 

 

 

   Copyright (c) 2020 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.

 

Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication? 

Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: 
Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Couple Strategy™ that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly connection notes in your inbox with Personal Development and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com

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