End-of-year closure, clearance and celebration (Step2)

End-of-year closure, clearance and celebration (Step2)

Yes, 2020 has been challenging. Yes, 2021 seems to want to start on a rough foot also… But we don’t have to let it! It is our job to create our best life regardless of what is happening out there, to the best of our ability… Today’s topic is the second step in putting a bow on it and launching into the New Year with pizzaz. I’ll cover how to do closure, clearance and celebration for paving the path for the new year. 

In the last issue I covered decluttering and minimalism to lay the groundwork for setting up the new year right… That allowed us to create wiggle way for maneuvering and Being… It created space for new flow, new energy, new creations…

Before we fill up our new wonderful space again with any kind of stuff, it behooves us to align with our desires and purpose so we lean the ladder against the right wall… And, we have to be on the right frame of mind to do that… Today’s topic is about getting on the right frame of mind…

We have to: 
~ Close and wrap unfinished business. 
~ Clear and let go of what’s already passed. 
~ Celebrate and acknowledge our efforts, accomplishments and awesomeness. 

When we ready ourselves and take the time to pave the right path is when we have an easier Journey…

Our Journey has in it exactly what it’s supposed to have – the gifts, the loved ones, the connections, the resources, the challenges and all the rest of it. It is all for us… We signed up for this human experience to have a full Human Experience… So, let’s do that. Let’s make sure we don’t miss what’s under our noses and don’t live our life by default just banging around…

When we intentionally show up to our life is when we are able to create our successful and radiant relationship with our Partner and our meaningful and all-around abundant life…

End-of-year Step2 helps us get in the right frame of mind, in our right mind…, to set and pursue the right intentions for the life we want and create an amazing relationship with our partner…

We have to close and wrap unfinished business – This can refer to different things for each of us depending on what is happening in our lives. It can range from finally choosing a wedding date, to putting our house on the market, to getting a full medical check-up, to closing the deal, to wrapping up projects, to addressing childhood wounds or resentments…

It’s important to identify for yourself what is taking up the most space, time, energy, and other resources and making a commitment to finally addressing this. Get the monkey off your back!

The best way to do that is to pay attention to what’s the first thing that came up for you as you read the above… Or, to get quiet and ask yourself what needs closure… Pay attention to what comes up for you. Don’t question it, whatever comes up needs to get addressed if you are to make headways in creating the relationship and life you want…

Make a Wrap-Up Plan to address this – completing the project, having the tough conversation, setting more effective boundaries, taking a specific action, and so forth. Crank it baby!

We have to clear and let go of what’s already passed or is keeping us stuck – This is challenging as a lot of feelings are tied up with this one… And, the things to let go can take on any flavor as well. They can range from feeling angry for how we were raised, feeling let down for not getting engaged yet, feeling disappointed or frustrated at not getting pregnant, feeling jealous about the attention someone else is getting, feeling envious of somebody else’s successes, feeling resentment for being passed on for a promotion or not getting a contract, feeling devastated or grief over a loss, and so on…

All this angst is heavy. It is imperative that we clear the air and let go to allow for lightness, flow and ease…

The best way to do this is to select the thing that keeps running in your mind and torturing you. If you have a running script riddled with negativity, lack, and heaviness, you are probably not feeling very well… And, you are probably not doing very well… This will show up in your health, relationship, finances and the rest of your life… Do a letting go process or ritual to let go…

Write a Goodbye Letter about the situation (not be sent to anyone), really fleshing out your feelings and addressing the grievance. This is an empowering way to get it out of your system and externalizing it. Make sure you cover everything that’s bothering you and then close it with understanding for it, compassion for yourself and a gesture to release your grip on it…

We have to celebrate and acknowledge our efforts, accomplishments and awesomeness – Yay, finally on to the good one! This is the one that even though it’s wonderful we still take it for granted. It is so important to validate ourselves, to recognize our contributions, to acknowledge our efforts, investment and dedication, to celebrate our accomplishments and to own our awesomeness.

But do we do it? No. We are really good at checking things off our list and moving on. We are really good at being humble. We are really good at not taking credit. We are really good at minimizing our efforts and contributions. We are really good at putting ourselves down, looking for the flaws and what needs improvement. We are really good at using our lack filter and honoring our negativity bias… Being good at these things is not good! LOL

The best gift we can give ourselves, our loved ones and the world at large, is to turn this on its head. So, the best approach is to target that negativity bias, lack mentality and self-deprecating mindset…

It really is time to stop this… It is time to love on yourself… Make a Love Myself List of all that you weathered this year, all that you accomplished, all the ways in that you stretched, learned, and showed up with the best self you could muster… Delight in the awesomeness. Give yourself a pat on the back!

When you start tackling these processes, you’ll automatically start feeling a shift… It might feel very uncomfortable at first as you’ll be stirring stuff up… This is worthy price to pay, I promise. Stay the course regardless of how uncomfortable you get…

You’ll soon see the light at the end of the tunnel, and you’ll start experiencing the positives of the shift… If you get too uncomfortable before the light at the end of the tunnel and it becomes challenging for you, by all means get support. Don’t just stop and quit your transformation… We want you ready for 2021 and to keep creating your best life!

ASSIGNMENT: This assignment is super powerful when done to completion, please don’t cheat yourself:

      • Create undisturbed time to play with this Step
      • Create an inspiring setting to play in – bring a candle, essential oil, journal, preferred day beverage, wrap or blanket, whatever makes you feel homey and pampered
      • Ground yourself with a mediation, prayer, deep breathing or such
      • Start your process – go through each of the Step’s processes: 
        ~ Close – Make a Wrap-Up Plan 
        ~ Clear – Write a Goodbye Letter 
        ~ Celebrate – Make a Love Myself List

The more you dive into your process and embody your experience, the more you’ll allow for your shift… And, the more you’ll have the right frame of mind for the last step in getting ready for the new year… Give it your best and enjoy!

Our tendency to go-go, to jump in, to push forward, to start new things before closing old ones, and such does not serve us… Let’s be intentional about our life instead, let’s live the life we want…

Happy Paving!

 


PS –  Related Posts:
Giving to yourself for ultimate success
Give the Gift of Understanding and Compassion…
Giving, meaning and success
Letting go, productivity and meaningful holidays
Acknowledge and celebrate your accomplishments
Intentionally plan your holidays and year-end
Feeling funky, visioning and strategic planning
Create your best relationship year
Are you achieving your relationship goals?
How to waltz into the New Year!
Staying motivated with your new year’s intentions
New habits, routines and motivation
The power of having Intentional Habits™



 

   Copyright (c) 2020 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.

 

Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication? 

Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: 
Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Couple Strategy™ that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly connection notes in your inbox with Personal Development and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com

Numbing for coping with stress specially during the holidays…

Numbing for coping with stress specially during the holidays…

The Holiday Season is here! This time of year is usually challenging regardless of how crazy the world is out there. What makes this season usually more challenging is that we trip into it and get sucked into the hecticness. This sets us up for chaos, being stretched too thin, overwhelm, drama, and too much noise. Where we end up neglecting, and even abusing, ourselves trying to get it all done or managing what comes up… This is the perfect formula for us to turn to numbing for coping with stress during the holidays…

When we turn to numbing, we actually make things worse…

Stress during the holidays has to do with:

  • How much there is to do. We usually have full plates and then add all the holidays tasks to it.
  • Wrapping up the year professionally or in our business. We have goals to meet for projects and revenue.
  • Taking stock of where we are. The end-of-year and being witnessed by others more closely showcases are achievements or lack thereof.
  • Managing family dynamics. At minimum, we have family members needs and preferences to consider. Most have other drama and trauma to contend with us well.
  • Triggering memories, expectations, and any lack-consciousness we might have. We have additional expenses, we have worthiness issues, we have codependency issues and a lot more.

This basic list is enough to highlight why this time is so rough. There is so much going on practically, mentally and emotionally… I tackled some of the practical and mental side of things in the last blog post. Today, I want to focus on the emotional side to help you better cope during this intense time.

~ We can be preventative by not getting sucked into the season’s nuttiness unprepared which creates more drama, busyness and overwhelm. 
~ We can be preventative by designing our holiday and year-end experience, so we stay grounded and cool as the season progresses.
~ We can be preventative by choosing how we want to experience the season and embodying the choice.

We can do an amazing job of all this, and we’d be way ahead of the game, yet we might still experience negative feelings and get triggered…

And, what usually happens is that we go into survival mode and employ our usual defense mechanisms to weather the storm.

We might go into:

  • Overdrive to get things done neglecting to take care of our basic needs. We might neglect our sleep, eating, hydration, exercise. Never mind sustaining our rich self-care practice…
  • Autopilot and go through the motions just to check-off the list, meet expectations and responsibilities, and/or to just get through it…
  • Shutdown mode where we are barely functioning and let ourselves and others down.

Through this we are trying not to feel the awful feelings we might be feeling, and so additionally turn to behaviors and coping mechanisms of the numbing nature. These can take on many forms… They don’t have to be the usual drinking, drugging, eating, and spending.

The Numbing Coping can also take on the form of: Excessing shopping, looking for deals, going down rabbit holes with email offers, online-surfing, hanging-out in social channels, binge watching Netflix, YouTube or other entertainment platform, binging on pornography, cleaning, grooming, organizing, and so on… You might seem to be having an OCD attack. LOL

The pursuit of these activities not only give us comfort as they give us easy access to the feel-good hormones, but they keep our attention otherwise engaged… This means we can’t feel our actual feelings and don’t have space or attention to address what is creating the feelings… Additionally when we operate this way, we lose motivation to go get it, as we have a feel-good source though temporary and not meaningful. When we cope with numbing, we end up creating more issues for ourselves.

Numbing Coping is what zaps our zest for life!

When we turn to numbing as our coping mechanism on a consistent basis, this becomes part of our MO. We essentially mute ourselves, deprive ourselves of our motivation and drive, shut ourselves off from our internal resources, become disconnected from our Higher Self, from our loved ones and from the world. We become robotic in our daily life, actually missing out on our Human Experience…

Instead of numbing ourselves for an easier ride, how about we actually manage ourselves and our life for a more exquisite and meaningful ride?

I get it’s not easy to experience the possibility of our full range of emotions… I get it’s not easy to feel what comes up, learn from it and make the changes we desire. I get it’s not easy to actually choose and create the feelings and experience we prefer and are after…

This doesn’t mean it’s impossible. I know it’s a foreign concept to some that we can actually choose how we want to feel and feel it… That we create not only with our doing, but primarily with our Being… That we can Be how we choose… That we are humbly that powerful…

We might not be able to flip the switch and all of a sudden be experts at this. It is not easy to break the numbing habit… But, we can make a commitment to actually live our life, we can start where we are, and we can go at it with gusto.

This means you enlist your support system for encouragement, resources and the holding you might need. And, this might mean you get additional professional support if you are serious about cracking the code. Why take longer and struggle when you can benefit from an expert to make this easier?

Commit to being the owner and manager of your feelings and mood, so you don’t have to depend on the numbing coping and can actually engage in and enjoy your life to the fullest!

Start where you are:

  • Identify your preferred and miscellaneous numbing coping you use
  • Identify what you are numbing, what feelings you are avoiding
  • Identify what’s uncomfortable about those feelings, how they are familiar, what they bring up, what meaning you are giving that, how you victimize yourself, how you disempower yourself
  • Identify the secondary gain of not feeling your feelings, how you maintain the status quo, how you keep yourself stuck…

Please note that this level of awareness, and exposure even to yourself, creates vulnerability. You might feel a bit wobbly after doing this exercise. Reward yourself for your courage and strength with some natural, recharging and meaningful pampering.

This work in and of itself is huge. You’ll feel liberation and empowerment.

The next step is to take action toward replacing the numbing coping with a healthy habit or behavior, and a tweaked daily routine or plan that is less triggering… Now you are ready for your deeper work to handle this for good…

First things first. Plant a flag and start with soothing the current emotions and addressing immediate triggers. Then, set yourself up to take care of your deeper work so you do make your lasting change and live the life you want…

ASSIGNMENT: Let’s keep it really simple, shall we?

First – Do the practical preventative aspects of planning out the holidays and the year-end so you minimize the stress…

Second – Take stock of how you tend to numb, commit to feeling your feelings instead and manage them properly (self-care practices are the key)…

Third – Make a commitment to doing the deeper work so you are not so susceptible to triggers and not feeling well…

When you choose to not numb out as part of your repertoire in life but instead to deal with your life, you are actually living your life… Woot!

Make a commitment to live an engaged and meaningful life! Start this holiday season, make it your business for 2021…

Happy Living!

 

PS – Related Posts:
Do you have dirty thoughts about your partner?
Do you play with your partner?
Are you giving enough to your honey? 
Are you being nice to your partner?
Feeling stuck in your relationship? 
Do you support each other?
Are you ready for deeper connection with your spouse?
When do you get on your partner’s nerves? 
How much do you get your partner?
Can you change your partner? 
Can’t get your partner to do what you want?
How do you show your commitment?

 

   Copyright (c) 2020 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.

 

Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication? 

Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: 
Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Couple Strategy™ that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly connection notes in your inbox with Personal Development and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com

Holidays thoughts stressing you out?

Holidays thoughts stressing you out?

We know the Holidays and year-end can be stressful and triggering. We deal with this every year. But now we have the added pressure of a raging pandemic added to the mix. We have the sensitivities and aftermath of a close and tumultuous election. We have the flavor of what 2020 has been hanging over our heads. Hey, it makes sense that holiday thoughts are stressing you out, probably a lot more than usual.

You might be experiencing a lot of angst and have already encountered tough decision moments. Or, you haven’t given the holidays and year-end much thought yet. Either way whether you’ve been in it or will be in it and to whatever extent, do keep in mind that this is not our usual season. And, it might be super helpful to be extra intentional about going into the last bit of the year…

We don’t want to be blindsided. We don’t want to be kicked in the teeth with unpleasant surprises. We don’t want to be unprepared. We don’t want to get sucked into major drama. We don’t want to be victimized. We don’t want to make things worse for ourselves. We don’t want to end the year in a low note. We still want to make the best of 2020!

We can address this from two angles:

Logistics, practical and external – we can put our preventative, proactive and progressive hat on and get really creative and resourceful about how we go about the holidays and year-end. We can make as much or as little of the restrictions and impact facing us as we allow. We can work around them and make the best of things. It is what it is after all. The sooner we embrace that this is not our usual holiday season and treat it as such, the easier things will go.

When we resist and try to force things, it’s when we feel powerless and hopeless. This is the feeling we want to prevent by getting ahead of it. And, we can by thinking outside the box and using with situation as an opportunity to stretch ourselves and try out different things for fit…

This is an opportunity to have a real different holiday and year-end experience. Take advantage of it!

Meaning, emotional and internal – if you thought the above was challenging, then hang on to your panties. This is where the real angst is, this is what trips people up. The expectations, family dynamics, unresolved traumas and issues, and the meaning we assign everything… As soon as the holidays and year-end start approaching, some people’s heart increase their palpitations… Add to it this year’s extra pressures, fatigue and rawness. It can be tough.

The key here is to do the emotional preparedness side of things as you notice your dysregulation… You might notice your edginess, impatience, intolerance, less bandwidth, lack of focus, spinning, shortness of breath, pit in your stomach, cravings, insomnia, headaches, back pain, fatigue, and other emotional and physical states that don’t feel so great.

These are signs to take care of yourself and be intentional about how you proceed for a more pleasant and enjoyable experience…

Here are 3 tactics to help you ride the wave the rest of 2020:

~Be super intentional about how you want the holidays to go and make your plans accordingly. Use this opportunity to have different holidays, why not make them positively memorable.

~Be super intentional about being preventative and proactive to minimize drama and triggers. Identify what usually triggers you during this time and address the root cause, why not be more diligent in taking care of yourself.

~Be super intentional about successfully wrapping up the year. Decide what’s important to you to tackle and accomplish before the end of the year, why not end 2020 with a bang.

We are usually great at piling it on and tackling the world’s problems. We want to make sure in general, and especially now with everything that is going on, that we go at it with ease. That our intentionality helps us set effective boundaries, so we don’t over pile it on. That it helps us be preventative and proactive about our wellness and resilience. That it helps us create joy, meaning and connection.

If we are intentional about our approach to the rest of the year, we’ll create what we desire. The key is to get ahead of it, not wing it or do it by default.

ASSIGNMENT: Choose the area that is giving you the most angst and tackle it with gusto:

The practical side of the holidays – make them different and memorable, why not
Emotional side of the holidays – get to the root of your triggers, why not
Accomplishing goals by year-end – go for the gold, why not

Life is what you make of it. Make it a good one!

This time of year is usually challenging for people without all the added layers 2020 brings to it. Don’t allow yourself to fall victim to the restrictions and any gloom. You can create a beautiful ending anyway…

Happy Creating!

 

PS – Related Posts:
Do you have dirty thoughts about your partner?
Do you play with your partner?
Are you giving enough to your honey? 
Are you being nice to your partner?
Feeling stuck in your relationship? 
Do you support each other?
Are you ready for deeper connection with your spouse?
When do you get on your partner’s nerves? 
How much do you get your partner?
Can you change your partner? 
Can’t get your partner to do what you want?
How do you show your commitment?

 

   Copyright (c) 2020 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.

 

Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication? 

Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: 
Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Couple Strategy™ that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly connection notes in your inbox with Personal Development and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com

Embrace the art of self-care for increased self-regulation and resilience

Embrace the art of self-care for increased self-regulation and resilience

It’s amazing how often I hear that people don’t have the time to do self-care… When their lives literally depend on it… I’m not sure if they look at self-care as a luxury – like having a spa day or laying on a chaise eating bonbons – that they shouldn’t have? But really, in this day and age to not prioritize self-care when it at the very least increases resilience? I look at self-care as a duty and a responsibility to ensure our wellbeing, and our ability to show up with our Best Self and create the relationship and life we desire… It is our duty to Embrace the Art of Self-Care…

When we embrace self-care as part of our daily responsibilities, we experience a shift in how we prioritize, how we approach our day and how we are able to create the time for it…

A rich Self-Care Practice ensures we:

~Optimize our functioning and wellbeing – health, vitality, energy, mood, focus and bandwidth…

~Are grounded and Connected with our self, that we are solid in our core and operate with authenticity…

~Are in Alignment with our Purpose, that we are creative, progressive and productive.

When we invest on our Selves in this way – we are showing ourselves Love and Compassion. Nurturing. We have our own back… We are there for ourselves, we don’t abandon ourselves

It is very interesting to witness that the partners that suffer or struggle the most, feel overwhelmed and unsupported, and complain that their partner are not there for them enough – are the partners who least focus on having their own back… They focus on what the other is doing or not doing for them, as opposed to what they are doing for themselves…

The focus on the other triggers them making the whole thing even more challenging, and self-care even more important for its self-regulatory properties…

When partners don’t approach their day with intentionality and some self-love (self-care) and rush into their day putting out fires and allowing themselves to be pulled in 100 different directions, they will get banged about and thrown off what they want to accomplish. This is one of the meanest ways for us to go about our day and to treat ourselves, second only to beating ourselves up with our own thinking…

We want to be kind and nice to ourselves, so that we can attend to becoming the best version of ourself and showing up with our Best Self, Authentic Self, more and more consistently. So, we can show up well to create our best relationship and best life – our Successful Relationship and Meaningful Life… So, we can have our Best Human Experience…

When we invest in ourselves with a rich self-care practice, we are more regulated, contained, grounded, patient, responsive, motivated, happy, compassionate, present, peaceful, resourceful, enthusiastic, appreciative, open, flexible, solid, secure, sensitive, sensible, joyful, forgiving, giving, generous, and so much more…

It behooves us to take care of ourselves to have a real good life…

I get that making time for self-care might feel frivolous when we have what seem like more important to-dos on our agenda… I can still fall into this misconception sometimes when I create very ambitious agendas… Believe me I get it. When one is a super-achiever, one can be one’s own worst enemy…

But I challenge you to give this a serious try for when you realize that you can actually be more productive in less time with more ease and joy, save your marriage and raise amazing children, then you get hooked! 

You can start slow, you don’t have to flip the switch and start with radical and extreme self-care. There is a whole range, a spectrum in embracing the Art of Self-Care. Your Self-Care Practice is what you make of it and what you want it to be.

In mine:

-I have my basics that I totally miss and feel the impact should I skip them for some reason.

-Then I add another layer as I’m willing to create the time for it.

-And, then I can really step it up when I feel the need for more or just for kicks to take things to the next level…

I know that when one is struggling, it’s very challenging for them to even think about this and never mind take action toward implementing even the simplest activity.

The key to get over the hump is in proactively and preemptively expanding our mindset, to take responsibility for our wellbeing, and in tweaking our daily routine so the Self-Care Practice becomes automatic… This is the Art of Self-Care…

Your Self-Care Practice can include any activity that recharges, restores, rejuvenates and gives you Joy… Activities that reconnect you to your Higher Self are the best… These tend to give the most bang for the investment… They usually fall within a Mindfulness Practice…

The activities can be physical, mental, social, and spiritual and can take on any form. The key is to break from the usual noise and to intentionally do something for yourself. Some activities give you little value and positive impact, others are super rich… More is not necessarily better… It’s up to you create the flavor of your Practice and decide how much you want to invest in it and what benefits you are looking for. 

A rich self-care practice improves vitality, youthfulness, longevity, happiness, connection, love, success… It’s up to you how you want to do your life- Do you want to struggle or flow with ease?

Embracing the Art of Self-Care ensures you do you, your relationship and your life effortlessly, gracefully, and joyfully…

ASSIGNMENT: Make a commitment to uplevel your Self-Care Practice, to Embrace the Art of Self-Care…

-Make a list of activities that interest you in the 4 categories: Physical, mental, social and spiritual. Be open to different things to create a rich repertoire.

-Take a look at your Daily Routine and carve out some time to integrate an activity.

-Select something new or that you’ve been trying to add into your lifestyle from your list and add it to your carved-out time.

-Here is a Self-love Meditation to add to your Mindfulness Practice…

Having a Self-Care Practice doesn’t have to be challenging, you just need to want it and prioritize it…

Happy Self-caring!

 

PS – Related Posts:
Do you have dirty thoughts about your partner?
Do you play with your partner?
Are you giving enough to your honey? 
Are you being nice to your partner?
Feeling stuck in your relationship? 
Do you support each other?
Are you ready for deeper connection with your spouse?
When do you get on your partner’s nerves? 
How much do you get your partner?
Can you change your partner? 
Can’t get your partner to do what you want? 
How do you show your commitment?

 

 

 

 

   Copyright (c) 2020 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.

 

Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication? 

Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: 
Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Couple Strategy™ that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly connection notes in your inbox with Personal Development and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com

How to empower yourself and feel great

How to empower yourself and feel great

I know there are ebbs and flows to how we feel, as there are seasons in our lives (not just weather wise!). The trick is to hang in there during the lows and focus on snapping ourselves out of it, and to enjoy the highs while they last and focus on sustaining them the best we can.

I’ve gotten pretty darn good at this, where I can easily (naturally) create the highs and sustain them. Do I have tough days? Yes. Do I get upset, triggered, affected by life and all in it? Yes. But I do not let myself be taken or kept down, I’m in charge of me. How are you with this? Don’t feel bad if you haven’t mastered this yet, it does take practice. But know that it is possible for you as well!

The simple, but not necessarily easy, way to start being the master of your life, is to Own It All… As long as it’s yours, obviously. The problem is that people get enmeshed with others to the point that they don’t know what’s theirs… And, then go about life not owning their stuff and trying to own others’…

This creates a real mess in relationships, and it’s the easiest way to not get along, fight, and not get needs met. This is not how we create a Successful Relationship. And, this is certainly not the way you become the master of your life. LOL

Are you familiar with the Boundaries Circles concept yet? Here is a quick overview: Imagine there is an invisible string around you, at the height of your waist, at arm’s length, making a Circle around you. This is the Boundary of you.

Inside your circle is everything about you… Your:

-Ancestry

-Genetic makeup

-History

-Story

-Scripts, mindset, thoughts, beliefs, attitude, preferences

-Feelings, emotions, mood, triggers, energy

-Behavior, actions, responses, accountability, follow-through, habits, discipline

-Body, health, appearance, grooming, style

-Lifestyle, routines, environments, interests, goals, dreams

-Gifts, Talents, Passion

-Vision, Mission, Purpose

-And anything and everything else about you…

Our job is to mind our circle and make the most of it to have our best Human Experience… Our job is to Own everything in it, all the time, to the best of our ability, and to keep working at getting better at it… When we don’t Own our stuff, we are at the mercy of others, circumstances, and the whim of the wind… This is the surest way to victimize ourselves…

When we don’t Own our stuff, we disempower ourselves. We are not in charge. We are not the CEO of our Life, the Author of our Story, the Artist of our Creation, the Master of our Universe… Actually, we are but we are sleeping on the job… If we did any other job this way, we’d be fired…

And, if you are doing your personal life like this, chances are you are also doing it in your employment, career or business… Hence, the poor income, raises, acknowledgement, promotions, achievement, accomplishments, revenue and the like… Just saying, don’t shoot the messenger…

I’m sure it’s obvious to you as well when in conversation with another if they have their s**t together. If they are their own boss. If they are designing and creating their own life, or if they are at the mercy of how the wind blows… If they are the Master of their Universe.

How about you? How in charge are you of your Experience? Are you fully Owning your Life? Are you fully owning everything in your circle? Or, do you still explain and make excuses? Blame others? Feel wronged? Look for answers outside yourself? Don’t know what to do? Feel stuck? Feel hopeless? Feel overwhelmed? Feel lost? Are at odds with your partner?

Which brings me to the next piece of this. When we don’t own our stuff, we love to own others’ specially our partner’s (sarcasm). We love going into their circle and telling them who they are, what they think, how they feel, what their intentions are, what they should do, when they should brush their teeth and the rest of it.

And, then you wonder how come your partner controls or shuts down… They are trying to survive you while they try to figure out their circle… When a partner feels insecure and lacking connection, they control, nag, criticize, judge and the like. When a partner feels suffocated and inadequate, they shutdown, withdraw, dismiss, stonewall and the like. How are you contributing to what you are getting in your relationship?

Yeah, right… You see, you create your reality…

ASSIGNMENT: Make a commitment to yourself right now that you will Fully Own your life going forward. Go for it, do it.

I know that feels exhilarating and also petrifying… You are not alone!

It is not easy to take responsibility for everything that goes right and wrong in your life. Hey, watch that – if you just balked… Yes, you are responsible for ALL of it.. You’ll have to get used to this idea… Be gently and compassionate with yourself about this. No need to beat yourself up. Also, don’t coward, stay the course. This is the most challenging yet rewarding work you will ever do in your personal development, and relationship enrichment as well, I promise…

Pick an area of your life that seems unruly and in charge of you. What is kicking your butt? This is where you need to take responsibility and step up. This is where you need to start owning how you look at it, how you feel, and what you do about it… Don’t pout, throw your hands up, or shoot the messenger. This is it, if not now when?

Start small. Watch how you leave your circle, get into anther’s, and are not fully accountable for your own stuff. Bring yourself back, take charge of your own stuff. Address making changes, concerns and needs from your own circle, not from another’s (you have no power there!).

In your circle you are powerful… Embrace it, Own it! You can do it!

If you are looking to make changes in your life, this is the simplest concept to easily integrate. It helps you take charge of everything and create what you want… You can immediately empower yourself and start feeling great!

Own your circle today!

Complete the Assignment, and share your takeaway, insights, and results with a note in the Comments box at the end! I’d love to hear how you are using this content.

Happy Owning!

 

 

   Copyright (c) 2020 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.

 

Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication? 

Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: 
Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com

 

Uplevel your Relationship Mindset

Uplevel your Relationship Mindset

What we Focus on is what we Create…

  • Something happens or Is
  • We observe that, we assign it meaning and have thoughts and opinions about it
  • Which create how we feel, our mood, our energy…
  • Which in turn inform how we react, operate, and behave
  • And, what we do and how we show up creates our results, our life and everything in it…

What’s important to note here is that what happens or what Is doesn’t impact how we feel, how we choose to look at it and think about it is what impacts how we feel… This is a major concept to absorb. The sooner you get it the sooner you’ll be in charge of your experience, and creating the life and relationship you desire…

This is very obvious to me in my work as what bothers one partner might not necessarily bother another. What is a thing in a relationship, is not a thing in another… If the thing that Is were the issue, it would be an issue for everyone…

We all make of things what we make of them, and this is what informs and creates our experience… When we remove the bias, sensitivity, judgment, criticism, and the like, and observe something as neutral, as just what Is, and choose how we look at it – ah, now we are in charge of our experience, of our feelings and what we create. Now we are the Master of our world…

So, back to couples. I’m sure you’ve noticed that how you experience the moments and exchanges in your relationship might be very different to how your partner experiences them… Again, this is super obvious in sessions with our clients. They share an incident, situation or something they want to address and they both had their own experience of it… Surprise! LOL

And, they are both right. This is very frustrating to the partners as they each want to be right… But, both their experiences are right. They are each partners’ truths. Therefore, both valid…

I remember a client, who being from a different country and with tentative English at times, would say, You cancel me! That was so amazing to witness. The different use of language was so illustrative. One partner’s experience does not supersede or invalidate the other’s.

The key is to hold space for both experiences, to understand each other, and to show the other that we get them and appreciate them, warts and all… Now, that is a Gift!

This brings me to what is the best Relationship Mindset so you CAN create your Successful Relationship:

–Your partner is your Partner with capital P. They are your Person… They are the person you chose, usually unwittingly and contrary to your belief that you “chose” them for whatever reason you think… Our attraction is actually an unconscious process… Understanding this helps in understanding that your partner is actually the partner you need… The match is For you. You are together to work stuff out, to evolve and to Become your true self…

–Your partner is therefore a Gift for you. For in relationship with them your sensitivities get poked, you get triggered, you are challenged, you are annoyed and therein lies the opportunity for growth and evolution… Allowing the inconvenience of this to torture us is a shame.

–Your partner is your Ally against the dynamics that were unconsciously created and the patterns you cocreate and repeat. These are opportunities for development and healing. To become frustrated, stuck and give up is a tremendous loss. Our relationship and life are much easier when we are Allies vs enemies…

–Your partner is also human, and having a Human Experience… It is unfair to expect them to be perfect. It is unfair, unwise, to want them to change and be who you think they should be or how they should be. It is unfair to expect them to meet all your needs. It is unfair to expect them to mindread you, automatically know what you need and have their world revolve around you… You want to make sure you live your Life to the fullest through a wonderfully flowing Interdependence, not dependence, independence or codependence…

–Though you are a couple, a partnership, you are still two separate individuals with your own Lives… Your partner brings with them their own Journey, purpose, mission, talents and passions. When you are on the same page and synchronized you get to Synergize and Align… From this place you Create Awesomeness…

When you embrace this perspective and mindset, you are able to observe what is happening with a much different lens and:

  • Now you are not owning, blaming, criticizing, shaming, judging and the like.
  • Now you are much more likely to understand, give grace, be flexible, have compassion and the like.

You see the difference? When you take the higher road, Transcend the mundane and the imperfection, you’ll see possibilities, you’ll see beauty, you’ll see Gifts, you’ll see Love, and you’ll feel great and you’ll find the way and you’ll create what you Desire… Now this is what I’m talking about!

So, mind your mind! Choose your Mindset. Be vigilant about sticking with Transcendental thinking and coming back to it when you go a little sideways (thinking your partner is out to get you, that they don’t care, that it can’t work because you are too different, etc.).

Be always cleaning your thinking for then you’ll feel better, you’ll show up better, and you’ll get better results!

ASSIGNMENT: Take stock of your relationship, your partner, and your life together.

Notice, that all that you came up with are your thoughts. There might be some facts in there (like you’ve been married for this long, you have two children, your partner is taller than you, you own your home, you have such networth, and the like). The rest are mere thoughts, stories you make up about the relationship and your partner…

These thoughts influence how you feel in the relationship and your life, about your relationship, and about your partner. It’s time to course correct and Align with the Successful Relationship Mindset (SRM)…

A- Revisit what you came up with and reframe it according to the SRM.

B- Answer these:

1- How is your partner the partner you need? What dynamics are you cocreating to have a chance at healing and evolving?

2- How does your partner trigger your sensitivities? How can you respond differently?

3- What sensitivities do you trigger in your partner? How can you be mindful not to do so?

4- How can you support your Partner’s Journey? What do you need to ask of your Partner for them to better support your Journey?

5- What do you need to get on the same page about? What do you need to put in place to synchronize?

Select a list item above to play with this upcoming week: Observe. Be curious. Question. Discuss. Address. Let go. Uplevel. Get support. Keep on.

When you embrace a Successful Relationship Mindset, EVERYTHING changes…

When you choose to think clean and beautifully, when you embrace a Successful Relationship Mindset, you Empower yourself, you see your Partner in their Truth and Essence, and you Know you CAN create a Successful Relationship…

Here is to creating your radiant, authentic and successful relationship!

Complete the Assignment, and share your takeaway, insights, and results with a note in the Comments box at the end! I’d love to hear how you are using this content.

Happy Upleveling!

 

 

   Copyright (c) 2020 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.

 

Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication? 

Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: 
Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com

 

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