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Drama and pain in uncertainty

Drama and pain in uncertainty

With only two months left to 2020, still pending election results, a ranging pandemic and looming holidays, life can feel pretty stressful right about now. Our plates are full as usual and then some. We are still trying to recoup the year, weather this pandemic, and get stronger footing in our life. The positive coping necessary to actually thrive during this time becomes elusive under these uncertain times and sustained stress. The drama and pain in uncertainty can be pretty debilitating.

Uncertainty in terms of not knowing what to expect for certain things in our everyday life is a good thing as it keeps us on our toes and keeps things fresh. Remember during the lockdown, the monotony was driving some people batty? The way their day would go was too certain

Therefore, all uncertainty is not necessarily bad. What’s troubling is the uncertainty that is associated with big ticket items and life events. And, sometimes even with not big things but things that are important to us…

Uncertainty in some contexts can be terrible, as we’ve been experiencing: 
Not knowing when the lockdown would be over
Not knowing what the economy will do
Not knowing who will win the election
Not knowing when we’ll have a vaccine
And, so on in our current public world…

Then you have things like:
Not knowing the results of a biopsy
Not knowing the prognosis of an illness
Not knowing when a hiring freeze will lift
Not knowing if bonuses will be given out
Not knowing how to plan for the holidays
Not knowing how to entertain our children
And, so on in our private life…

And, then we have relationship concerns:
Not knowing if our partner will leave
Not knowing if our partner will agree to move in
Not knowing if our partner will finally propose
Not knowing if our partner will agree to plan the wedding
Not knowing if our partner will agree to start planning a family
And, so on in our relationship…

Because we don’t know what to expect, our brain keeps looking for information to ascertain the situation, assess for threats, and get instructions on next moves. It gets stuck in a repeating searching loop which can take on any flavor for each of us. It can take on the form of circular ruminating thinking, of compulsive evidence, fact or data searching, of questioning, interviewing, demanding answers, and the like… This is mentally, emotionally and physically exhausting!

When we don’t know what to expect, when we live in uncertainty, our existential instincts get triggered. At some level we are afraid for our very own survival… Well, then not for nothing people have been struggling. Not only are they having difficulties managing their mood and energy, how their days go, getting along with others, paying their bills, and such. They also have this unnamed, unidentified, underlying fear for their very own survival. This certainly takes a toll…

And, to top it off, if we have unprocessed past trauma, we are more susceptible and more likely to be easily triggered. This is when we are likely to experience more stress, frustration, irritability, anger, overwhelm, anxiety, sadness, grief, depression.

Our job to make sure we don’t suffer unnecessarily is to take charge of ourselves regardless of the situation we find ourselves in or the external circumstances going on… For example,

Election – We have no control on the results of the election and how the elected leaders will eventually carry out their duties. We do have control on how we choose to consume news, participate in social media, support our political party, show up in our community and with our fellow humans, how we embrace our purpose for income or revenue, how we safeguard our physical and mental health… Embracing a compassionate and unity mindset will take us a long way…

Holidays – We have no control on the course of the pandemic or how family members show up. We do have control over how we choose to celebrate, what traditions we’ll still uphold, how much money we’ll spend, how we’ll gather or not, how we’ll show up to interactions, the risks we are willing to take, how we’ll stick to our wellness plan, how we’ll approach year-end… Embracing an open-minded and flexible approach to celebrating the holidays, wrapping up the year and strategizing for 2021 will take us a long way…

Relationship – We have no control over our partner’s preferences, their timing, motivation, reasoning and the like. We do have control over how we share our preferences, how we respond to their preferences, how we collaborate to find mutually agreeable options, what choices we make for ourselves… Embracing personal development and a Relationship Enrichment Mindset, holding our partner as our ally in our mind, and maintaining a heart-centered and compassionate approach in our interactions will take us a long way…

It is up to us what we make of life experiences and how we choose to look at things. It is up to us to make choices that honor our Essence and who we truly are. It is up to us to make choices for the good of all. It is up to us to be preventative, preemptive, proactive and progressive in all we do to ensure our amazing Human Experience. It is up to us to create the relationship and life we want.

ASSIGNMENT: Identify an area that is troubling you the most such as the state of the world, your wellness, or your relationship.

Take stock of your thinking around this area – make a list of all your thoughts on what’s bothering you.

Note, the nature of the thoughts. Note, how they are mostly out of your control, and how they are negative… This focus is disempowering and generates negative feelings…. This is what is impacting your energy, your mood, your wellbeing and the state of your life…

Go back to you list and now capture the other side of things. Capture what is positive and working about the area you chose… And, focus on what you do have control, how you can look at it differently and how you can approach it differently…

Now, note how you are feeling… Note, how the feelings began to go in the positive direction…

Make this process a daily habit to work on reprogramming your negativity bias… And, for establishing a mental hygiene and wellness practice…

You’ll be feeling much better in no time!  

It is your job to take charge of your mind, your feelings, your mood, your wellness. Stop blaming the government, the pandemic, the economy, your partner and such for how you feel. You can choose how you feel and create those feelings! Have at it!!

Happy Feeling!

 

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-Preventing and managing the drama and pain in uncertainty 
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PS2 – We’ll be having Facebook Lives to go along with our blog posts! Tune-in on Thursdays at 10:30 am ET (mark your calendar!)

PS3 – Check out Related Posts:
Do you have dirty thoughts about your partner?
Do you play with your partner?
Are you giving enough to your honey? 
Are you being nice to your partner?
Feeling stuck in your relationship? 
Do you support each other?
Are you ready for deeper connection with your spouse?
When do you get on your partner’s nerves? 
How much do you get your partner?
Can you change your partner? 
Can’t get your partner to do what you want?
How do you show your commitment?

PS4 – Get your Quotes & Quickies™ for this post!

 

   Copyright (c) 2020 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.

 

Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication? 

Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: 
Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Couple Strategy™ that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly connection notes in your inbox with Personal Development and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com

3 Steps to your New Year Strategy

3 Steps to your New Year Strategy

How are you doing? Hope you are keeping the momentum from the New Year going… As I’m sure you already know, right about now people start floundering with their New Year Resolutions, Intentions and the like… Tomorrow is the 3rd Monday of the New Year and known as Blue Monday… The end-of-year drive, the holidays merriment and the new year’s excitement all but come crashing down… This is when back to reality hits us like a ton of bricks.

This is when we realize we are not exactly where we want to be, and the New Year’s promises are quickly fading away. This is when we realize real change needs to happen and we don’t necessarily know how to make it happen. We might know what we want to change, we might even know how, but somehow, we can’t get traction…

This is when it becomes obvious that we can’t make changes with just pure willpower and desire… This is when things become bleak and we feel powerless and stuck. If you are rocking the New Year, Congratulations! Just beware that this can still hit you with a delayed impact if you are not proactively preventative…

It is challenging to get traction on the changes we want because unfortunately our brain is working against us – it doesn’t like change. We literally have brain structures to maintain homoeostasis… To keep things in the status quo. We also have our Ego protecting us from growth and change. It perceives these as a threat…

Change in our life is to the brain and ego like viruses are to our body. The defenses come out to attack any intrusion. Hence, we end up sabotaging our very efforts, wishes and desires…

The 3 main areas people usually want changes on are health, relationship and finances. If they use their genius, they might have set goals around these. Never mind mere Resolutions. 25% of people who set resolutions abandon them after 7days! Intentions and Focus Terms are great as icing on the cake, not as substitutes…

We don’t do much better with goals. Only 14% of Americans set goals, only 3% of them write them down, and only 1% of those review them daily when there is a 42% increase in goal achievement by merely setting them… This makes me sad for people’s ability to create what they want in their life…

So, if we go by these stats, it is very likely that you haven’t set goals and most likely that you haven’t written them down. Therefore, if you are serious about creating the life you want, if you are serious about not settling for a mediocre life, if you are serious about having your best human experience, then it is time to take goal setting seriously.

Seriously doesn’t mean this has to be complicated or a major production. Make it as easy as possible. Just go with the basics if you need a starting point: health, relationship and finances… You can tweak this to your heart’s desire of course, but if you make a commitment to embrace creating changes in these 3 areas you will make a significant improvement in your life…

Additionally, if we don’t want to struggle in achieving these goals, we have to make sure we don’t depend on willpower to work on these… Willpower only takes us so far and is limited… It depends on how we feel, our mood, our energy, our time, etc. If we are to achieve what we want, if we are to create the life we desire, we can’t leave it to chance…

How do we make sure we keep our goals forefront and actively work on them?

FIRST, we have to have a strong desire to achieve them. We have to have a strong Why behind them to inspire us and keep us motivated…

SECOND, we have to set ourselves up to achieve them, with structure and systems… This means we have to set up our daily life with routines around achieving these goals. And, we have to set up the routines with related Habits to automate our investment and take the effort out of it… Voila!

I usually write about this as Wellness, Connection and Success Habits

What do you say? Are you ready to really create the life you desire, your best life? Are you ready to set yourself up for an amazing decade? Are you ready for your best year yet? What do you say? Don’t be the majority statistic. Don’t let Blue Monday be a reality for you. Don’t let another year pass by without making a dent in creating the life you really want…

ASSIGNMENT: There is plenty of info out there on how. There are plenty of people having a say on all this. Your job is not to get more info and keep postponing your results. There is plenty on this blog anyway, even on this post alone, to help you get started… Your job is to decide you are going for it, commit to it and get started.

Here is your basic Strategy in its simplest form:

Step 1: Create 1 measurable stretch goal for your 3 life areas, with strong Whys for each

Step 2: Add 3 concrete recurring behaviors to each goal

Step 3: Integrate the recurring behaviors into your daily/weekly/monthly routine(s)

Don’t let this significant time pass you by. The sooner you plan and set your goals, the sooner you’ll start working on them, the longer you’ll have a chance to achieve them… You can rock this!

Make a commitment to no longer settle. Make a commitment to live your best life. Set yourself up to create what you desire right now. Seriously, do your Strategy now – start the week right, start the rest of your life right!

And, because we know it’s not easy to make changes on our own, we are creating some new goodies to help you with the Relationship & Connection area… Stay tuned for more details coming soon!

Complete the Assignment, and share your takeaway, insights, and results with a note in the Comments box at the end! I’d love to hear how you are using this content.

Happy Strategizing!

 

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PS2 – As always, we are here for you!  If you need more support to creating your successful and meaningful life, we are here to help. I’d be honored to speak with you about how we can help you. Schedule a Get Acquainted Call to connect, and discuss how we can help you and how to get started. Look forward to Connecting with you!

PS3 –  Get the Snap Takeaways™ for this post 

PS4 –  Share Your Thoughts & Successes in the comment box at the end! Take a moment now to share below any thoughts, comments, take away, tips, and successes! PLEASE post a comment now – we grow in community! Thanks for connecting with the MetroRelationship Family!

 

   Copyright (c) 2020 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.

 

Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication? 

Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: 
Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com

 

Tired of feeling overwhelmed?

Tired of feeling overwhelmed?

I wrote in the last issue about feeling like we are embarking in a New Era. Feels more and more like that every day. I’m so excited thinking on the fact that we are starting a whole new decade. We are at the beginning of a new huge chunk of time. It makes me dizzy to think about what this means. To step back and think of what I’d like to create in the next 10 years of my Human Experience… Looking at this New Beginning this way is humbling, and so super Inspiring. Have you pondered similarly?

This brings me to today’s writing about Intentionally Co-Creating the life we Desire… As we start a New Year, and a New Decade!, this is the perfect time to Dream, Design, Develop, Display… Before I fully jump into the Topic, if you would allow me to invite you to work with us

If you feel you would like support making changes, we are here for you! We can help you create the relationship and life you Desire… If you want to go for it, to rock this year and set up a stupendous decade, and are interested in working with us, why wait? You can get started on creating your awesomeness now. Why not?

Waiting for whatever to get started is just postponing what you Desire… Why do that to yourself? Let’s be nicer, kinder and more proactive in beautifully taking care of our Life this year, this decade… Yes? You can still take advantage of our super discounted 10-Session Package and get started right away… Let’s do this!

Today’s topic of Co-Creating the Life we Desire is part of the last element, Element5, in our Sequence for better implementing the Successful Couple Strategy™:

Element1 – Context & Mindset

Element2 – Communication & Alignment

Element3 – Clarity & Dynamics

Element4 – Connection & Intimacy

Element5 – Collaboration & Partnership

The Elements are fundamental and powerful in and of themselves, but this is the one where the changes being made become the most apparent, where they manifest in a variety of ways… Collaboration and Partnership are key for a thriving relationship. A relationship that is not only amazing in its own right, but creates a rippling Impact…

The state of our relationship allows the creation of our magnificent Life… Time and again in Visiting with couples it is obvious that they are stagnant, even struggling, in their life because the partners are getting in their own way and they haven’t figured out how to tap into the inherent synergy of the relationship… This is addressed through the prior Elements.

It is very challenging, a white-knuckling endeavor really, doing Life without having more fully figured out and addressed ourselves, and how we fit with our Partner… Once this piece of the puzzle fits, the rest of the puzzle just comes together beautifully with ease… Then focusing on creating our Masterpiece flows naturally and becomes the joyful endeavor it’s supposed to be.

Creating our Masterpiece has to do with Intentionally creating the life we desire. We get to Dream, Design, Develop and Display our ever-evolving Creation, throughout our Human Experience. This is where Living our life by Design requires Co-Creation. For we do not live in a vacuum, we live in relationship(s). And, that impacts and influences the quilt of our life…

Creating our Masterpiece also has to do with inviting, allowing and abiding by Inspiration. It is about having Vision, and not merely having an idea of what we want and setting goals to achieve it… It is grander and more meaningful than that. This is where we connect with our Why. Where we bring in Purpose. Where life makes sense. It has to do with having Inspired Intentionality™ at the heart of creating the life we desire…

It has to do with deciding, owning, who we truly are and are becoming more every day. It has to do with setting up our life to allow and promote this development. It has to do with deciding who we are as a couple, as a partnership. It has to do with defining our Personal and Couple Brand… It has to do with living authentically and honoring ourselves and our partnership.

Our Masterpiece is a weaving together of the Partners’ contributions, gifts, Essence. It is our responsibility to crack the code for a seamlessly weaving experience. So we do get to create a gorgeous and magnificent Masterpiece. We don’t want to end up with a mediocre masterpiece at the end of the day, for that would have been a wasted Human Experience… We want our Masterpiece to be our Legacy…

If all this sounds too grand to you, it’s time to wake up to your Life! It’s time to embrace what you signed-up for… Make this life the best it can be. Make your life a world-class life.

How? Dream, Design, Develop, Display… Here is your Prescription:

1 – Do your own Personal Development work (we can help!) so you don’t get in the way, encourage your partner to do the same… Combine your Learnings…

2 – Develop Courage to go for it! Own your Why, your Purpose. Make this your Life Lens, let it inform your Vision. Create a Joint Vision…

3 – Orchestrate everything around the Vision, making your Life Map, your Life Strategy

4 – Make a Commitment to live Intentionally. Design your Daily Routine with Intentional Habits™, Wellness, Connection and Success Habits™, that support your strategy… And, make a Commitment to live an Inspired life… A spiritually full life. Integrate rich Self-care Practices into your routine.

5 – Stay the course. Tweak as you go, course correct as you go, enjoy as you go, share as you go. Always keep improving everything and reaching for the best Human Experience ever!

It’s the beginning of 2020, a New Year, a New Decade, a New Era, a New Version of You. You 2.0. Your Life 2.0. No matter where you are in your life, the formula above is pertinent… You can just be waking up to your life, or you can be a bit of a veteran on the Journey. Regardless, apply the Prescription to your current situation and you’ll be cruising along gracefully and joyfully to your best life experience yet…

ASSIGNMENT: Well? Are you going for it? If not, give it a good thought as to why you are holding yourself back from your Best Self and your Best Life… Isn’t it time to stop the nonsense and step up your game? Just saying…

If you are going for it, Yay! Congratulations! It might feel a bit scary, for we do have to deconstruct to reconstruct… Hang in there… You just made the best decision of your life… Seriously…

If you are going for it, have a heart-to-heart with your Honey about Committing to your Best Lives ever… If you find for whatever reason that you can’t do this, it’s totally fine and kind of normal… This just means YOU start the Journey… This is Your life after all… You are responsible for it. You are the boss of it…

Next is to decide what kind of life you want and to start making changes to create it…

Dream, Design, Develop, Display…

You can have a better life. It’s just a matter of how much you want it… I say, Just go for it already! And, Enjoy!

We completed this Series. Yay!! Stay tuned for a compilation of prior series for a richer integration… Here is to our Best Year yet. Here is to our Best Life!

Complete the Assignment, and share your takeaway, insights, and results with a note in the Comments box at the end! I’d love to hear how you are using this content.

Happy Creating!

P.S. We are here for you! If you need more support to creating your successful and meaningful life, we are here to help. I’d be honored to speak with you about how we can help you. Schedule a Get Acquainted Call to connect, and discuss how we can help you and how to get started. Look forward to Connecting with you!

P.S.S. Get the Snap Takeaways™ for this post 

P.S.S.S. Share Your Thoughts & Successes in the comment box at the end! Take a moment now to share below any thoughts, comments, take away, tips, and successes! PLEASE post a comment now – we grow in community! Thanks for connecting with the MetroRelationship Family!

 

   Copyright (c) 2020 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.

 

Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication? 

Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: 
Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com

 

Tired of feeling disconnected?

Tired of feeling disconnected?

As we embark on a new era… I want you to come along… I want your life to continue to become better and better as well. I want us to continue to Design and enjoy our Best Life. I want us to continue to have an amazing Human Experience and for it to get better every day.

Now, I know that the holidays are tough for most… I also know that even though we are all pumped with the New Year, the new decade!, that in a few weeks people crash… I also know that people still have challenges and struggles in life… This is why I’m writing the current sequence, I’m getting to it – I promise!, to help you realign your relationship and kick-off the New Year with pizzazz!

But, I’m not naïve in thinking that a few blog posts are enough, though I try to give you so much, to help you change your life if you are feeling stuck and are struggling. This is why I want to offer you the opportunity to easily get support to help you over the hump. You can really make this your best year yet… How about it , will you let us help you?

If you know you are ready to make a change and are interested in working with us, don’t wait another minute, take decisive action and start creating your Best Year yet now. Take advantage of our super discounted 10-Session Package and get started right away!

Ok, and now on to Element4 of our Sequence for better implementing the Successful Couple Strategy™:

Element1 – Context & Mindset

Element2 – Communication & Alignment

Element3 – Clarity & Dynamics

Element4 – Connection & Intimacy

Element5 – Collaboration & Partnership

Today’s topic – Stopping the disconnect by getting your swag on. Aside from not moving forward in the relationship, not feeling supported, not getting along and arguing a lot, feeling disconnected from our partner is a top contender for couples not feeling satisfied and happy in their relationship, and in their life…

Feeling disconnected is a real tough one, it eats at your soul… Where there is fighting there is passion. But with disconnect there is deeper, black, gut wrenching pain… Disconnect breeds feelings of aloneness, loneliness, rejection, unworthiness, despair, hopelessness which in turn trigger anxiety and depression, and other goodies… I’ll spare you the heaviness of presenting this topic from this angle. But know that all this is very serious and dangerous to our wellbeing. Feeling disconnected is not to be taken lightly.

I want to address the topic instead from my usual lighter and more practical angle to prompt your shift… I offer an alternate perspective to how you might usually look at things, that keeps you stuck… When you change your usual lens, you can more easily realign and create the changes you seek… You can more easily get out of your own way… You can effortlessly invite, allow, and cocreate what you Desire…

This is the gentle, loving and compassionate way of saying you contribute to your disconnect… Hang on if you had a reaction just then… Don’t shoot the messenger! LOL I know that when we feel disconnected we usually blame our partner for it… We claim they are too busy. They don’t care as much as we do. They are insensitive and don’t have feelings. They are too arrogant. They are narcissistic… I’m not taking away from any of these. They are probably true! So what!?

These do not mean you cannot have a caring, loving, satisfying and happy relationship with your partner. This just means you have work to do… This means there is a reason you attracted and are with this partner… If this is what you got, this is what you need… This is your second chance at getting what you didn’t get back then… [Refer to the last issue/post] Hey, again, don’t shoot the messenger. You can always choose to try again with someone else. But, while we are here, we might as well try it my way. Ok? What have you got to lose?

When we feel disconnected from our partner is because we are choosing to focus on everything our partner is doing wrong… We think, and even usually vocalize, how we think they should be, operate, feel and the like. We go in their circle… We don’t follow good boundaries protocols… When we are in their circle, we are not in ours… When we are in their circle, they feel crowded and shy away… When we are not in ours, we are disempowered and unattractive… Bam!

 This is part of what creates disconnect… There are a lot of other factors but tackling this is the quickest way to start creating change… When we get out of our partner’s circle, they can stop withdrawing, running, hiding and the like. All of a sudden, they are more available and interested…

When we come back into our own circle, we feel amazing! For that’s where we are supposed to be. There is awesomeness in our circle. There is power and beauty in our circle. This is where we have Swag

When we own ourselves, embody our Authentic, our Higher Self, and show up with our Best Self, then there is no chance in heck that our partner can ignore us, not be interested in us, not be attracted to us and not want to do everything for us… This is on us. We only get this when we don’t demand it… We only get this when we do Us…

And, then there wouldn’t be disconnect anyway… (Wink!)

ASSIGNMENT: By Golly, stop focusing on how your partner sucks and start focusing on how to do You better! That’s it. Seriously. It’s time to stop whining and start owning your life. What can you take on by the horns? It’s a New Year. It can be a New You if you mean business. It’s time. Get off the sidelines and get in the game. It’s time for a new Relationship (with your partner), a new Life. And, it all starts with You. Change the focus to your Self and how to continue to become your Best Self.

When you have You, there is no disconnect… When you have you, your Partner has you… This is where the disconnect goes away… Enjoy You, and enjoy a newfound Connection…

Next week’s issue is the last of the Series. Don’t miss it! I’ll be covering how create a Strong Partnership in the New Year! Here is to our Best Year Yet!!

Complete the Assignment, and share your takeaway, insights, and results with a note in the Comments box at the end! I’d love to hear how you are using this content.

Happy Connecting!

P.S. We are here for you! If you need more support to creating your successful and meaningful life, we are here to help. I’d be honored to speak with you about how we can help you. Schedule a Get Acquainted Call to connect, and discuss how we can help you and how to get started. Look forward to Connecting with you!

P.S.S. Get the Snap Takeaways™ for this post 

P.S.S.S. Share Your Thoughts & Successes in the comment box at the end! Take a moment now to share below any thoughts, comments, take away, tips, and successes! PLEASE post a comment now – we grow in community! Thanks for connecting with the MetroRelationship Family!

 

 

   Copyright (c) 2019 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.

 

Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication? 

Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: 
Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com

 

Tired of the same old issue?

Tired of the same old issue?

We’ve been making our way through the 5 Elements of our Successful Couple Strategy™ to launch us into the New Year ready to create the best version of our relationship yet.

We are midway through, at Element3, of better implementing the Successful Couple Strategy™:

Element1 – Context & Mindset

Element2 – Communication & Alignment

Element3 – Clarity & Dynamics

Element4 – Connection & Intimacy

Element5 – Collaboration & Partnership

Today’s topic – The Same Thing Over and Over. Unless we make sure we don’t get stuck, that’s exactly what happens… When partners wing things in their relationship they will find themselves creating repeating patterns. That’s just the way of things. Even if they don’t necessarily “wing it”, but are not intentional, mindful, informed, and use Relationship Enrichment Skills this is still what happens…

What happens? What drives the repeating patterns? Why do partners get stuck here, no matter how smart they are? As I’ve said once or twice in session, this is not a logical problem to be solved with an intellectual conversation or approach, or as if it’s a riddle… No matter how much you kick it around in your head that’s not how you change this.

This happens because at some level we are looking to get what we haven’t gotten yet… It’s our unconscious mind at work, it’s a built-in mechanism to give us a second chance. A second chance at getting our needs met, at fully growing up, and at actually becoming who we are…

So even though it’s super frustrating to be stuck in repeating patterns, this is actually a Gift, a Blessing. This is an opportunity in disguise. This is a chance to give it another try! This happens FOR us not TO us.

This means our relationship is a gift, our Partner is a Gift… For in this context we have the perfect situation to do our work and have our human experience… It gives us the opportunity to practice, try again, and crack the code. How many situations in our life are as rich as this…?

Ok, so how do the frustrating things keep repeating against sometimes our bestest efforts and wishes? They repeat because is not the specific behavior or situation that is the issue or that needs to change, and that’s what the partners focus on…

  1. Like leaving the toilet seat up
  2. Like not getting up early to help with the children
  3. Like not doing the dishes
  4. Like always running late
  5. Like telling white lies
  6. Like leaving crumbs on the counter
  7. Like not responding to texts fast enough
  8. Like listening to the T.V. too loudly
  9. Like not immediately picking up after the dog went in the yard
  10. Like not buying groceries frequently enough

These are all real examples from couples I’m currently working with, and the list goes on and on. Any resonate for you? What is the thing that’s getting you?

Partners get stuck on items like this and what ensues when trying to address them… As you can see from the behaviors listed, the focus is on what the partner is doing or not doing! Right off the bat they are off in the wrong direction… The mere focus on these items as the partner being a perpetrator of some kind automatically affects one’s mood, state, experience and approach… And, it disempowers us…

The key with these and other similar focus items is to understand what they trigger for us… The trigger, the emotional response, is the hook… It’s not the behavior per se that’s so egregious, but what it does to us, how it makes us feel… As we are on the lookout to no longer get hurt in the same old way, to not feel that pain again, we are sensitive to any experience that might trigger it…

Some of the behaviors listed above wouldn’t bother someone else to the same extent if at all… Partners are not usually aware of the trigger, or get so triggered that they can’t help themselves, so they just get hang-up on the particular behavior for its own sake…

Partners then focus on correcting the infraction and getting their way. When faced with certain behaviors, we assign some negative meaning to them that triggers us. This by the way, happens at lightning speed where most of the time we are not even aware of our process…

And, then we react to the trigger, triggering our partner, who reacts to their trigger, triggering us some more. Fun times! LOL Thus, we go around and around, we create a repeating loop, we get stuck in a Power Struggle where both partners are focused on getting their way (getting their needs met and relieving their pain)… They end up creating repeating patterns, stuck dynamics. This creates stuckness in the relationship…

Changing the focus from our partner’s behavior in trying to take care of ourselves to caring of how we feel and what got triggered is how we shift the stuckness, change the dynamics and the patterns. When we change to this approach, we heal… When we stretch to meet our needs appropriately, and our partner’s when addressing their concerns, we grow… When we intentionally work together we create a deeper understanding, more connection and greater intimacy…

This is how we create an everlasting bond, a rock-solid Partnership. This is what enables us to Flourish and create our Brilliant Life…

ASSIGNMENT: Take a moment to,

Identify the infractions, your partner’s imperfections, that you tend to focus on in your relationship.

Identify what they trigger for you, what feelings come up when faced with them. Note, that this is a pervasive feeling… It just gets exacerbated during certain times…

Identify what the feelings call for. What are the associated needs? What do you imagine you need when those feelings come up? This is where the focus needs to be, on the feeling and how to meet the needs driving it. And, the need is NOT, I need my partner to do the dishes! LOL

Identify ways to appropriately meet your needs- to address the pervasive feeling… And remember, it has nothing to do with the actual items that get you. They are just messengers…

Play with this to your heart’s content, heal yourself and grow yourself up. You’ll notice how much easier and beautiful your life becomes… Embrace the opportunities!

Complete the Assignment, and share your takeaway, insights, and results with a note in the Comments box at the end! I’d love to hear how you are using this content.

Happy Embracing!

P.S. We are here for you! If you need more support to creating your successful and meaningful life, we are here to help. I’d be honored to speak with you about how we can help you. Schedule a Get Acquainted Call to connect, and discuss how we can help you and how to get started. Look forward to Connecting with you!

P.S.S. Get the Snap Takeaways™ for this post 

P.S.S.S. Share Your Thoughts & Successes in the comment box at the end! Take a moment now to share below any thoughts, comments, take away, tips, and successes! PLEASE post a comment now – we grow in community! Thanks for connecting with the MetroRelationship Family!

 

 

   Copyright (c) 2019 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.

 

Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication? 

Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: 
Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com

 

Tired of fighting without resolution?

Tired of fighting without resolution?

So many of our “big projects” are coming to gorgeous fruition. Life indeed is Grand! How about you? What accomplishment or deliciousness are you celebrating from this year? Nothing is irrelevant, a given or expectation. Anything beautiful in your life you Allowed and coCreated. Acknowledge it, own it, celebrate it. We create the life we have, take credit and delight…

We get what we put in… This brings me to today’s writing. We are on Element2 of the Successful Couple Strategy™:

Element1 – Context & Mindset

Element2 – Communication & Alignment

Element3 – Clarity & Dynamics

Element4 – Connection & Intimacy

Element5 – Collaboration & Partnership

Today’s topic – Fighting Without Resolution. Unfortunately, it is very common for couples to fight and not resolve the issue at hand. There is a multitude of reasons for this. Here are a few, the partners:

  1. Engage in discussing what’s bothering them at inopportune times, or downright inappropriate times
  2. Start discussions with a hothead, when they are still triggered
  3. Address their concern by going after their partner and the perceived infraction
  4. Get hang up on being right, making their point, winning the argument
  5. Lose sight of the topic at hand and bring up other prior (also still unresolved) frustrations
  6. Turn the discussion into how the other is not showing up right, or is fighting unfairly
  7. Make it their business to teach the other skills, tell them what they did wrong or what they could do better
  8. Take on a defensive stance and go on the offensive
  9. Use the moment to address everything that is bothering them
  10. Go at the conversation attacking their partner, their character and making character flaw observations

Can you see how these would not be conducive for addressing concerns, understanding each, getting on the same page, resolving issues and building and sustaining intimacy? What’s really interesting is that even though this approach doesn’t work, partners keep doing this over and over. This is how they keep trying to work on things and make changes. It doesn’t work!

It doesn’t work because they can’t expect their partner to be able to discuss or address something potentially intense at any given moment because they want to. Or, for the other to have that expectation in turn. Partners need to proactively select a time to have a productive discussion.

It doesn’t work because they start conversations from an unresourced state. They are triggered and sensitive. They go in with guns blazing blaming, criticizing, shaming, demanding, controlling, attacking and the like. They go in making their partner wrong off the bat. They go in as a victim and injured party. They don’t give the partner the benefit of the doubt, speak about their own experience and never mind taking ownership for what they contributed to the situation.

It doesn’t work because they get caught up in the reactive moment and lose sight of the topic at hand. The interaction becomes about everything else. How they are talking, how they are not using skills, how they do everything wrong, how they always do this, how it’s hopeless, how everything stinks, and on and on… They miss the forest for the tree. Instead of showing up with their best self, with a collaborative, compassionate and flexible approach.

And, even worst of all. It doesn’t work because they are attacking who the other person is… They are devaluing, questioning, and shredding their partner. Who the heck are they to question the other? How dare they assume they have that right? Because you are disgruntled, married, hurt and possibly your partner actually wronged you, it still does not mean you get to be a jerk.

It is our job to be our best human self that we can possibly muster at any given time, and to give ourselves the opportunity to that. Going into discussions without that intention doesn’t serve anyone! It sets you up to show up with the little you. And, it sets you up to get nonsense from your partner. Why do that to yourself?

This is why when we are in session the discussions go much better, because these things are not allowed. It behooves you to bring a cleaner version of your approach to your conversations. And, you don’t have to have the most amazing skills in the world, be perfect at delivering them and be a saint. Your attempt at doing things differently goes a long way in and of itself… Your partner can see the investment and they usually respond in kind…

Note, sometimes you might try, and the moment still turns into a s*t show. Listen, nobody and no relationship is perfect. It happens. What becomes important then is what you do afterwards. How you conduct yourself and go back in… How you learn from the experience and work on doing better next time. Learning from your mistakes and continuing to invest on becoming the best version of you. This is at the crux of it all.

ASSIGNMENT: Do a review of how your discussions usually go and identify how you contribute to the conversation going south. If you can’t find anything this could be part of the issue in and of itself… If you were in the conversation, you contributed to how it went… Own your side and focus on making the changes you need to make… This alone helps start a new pattern…

As usual the focus is on what we can change and what we have control over… Stop wasting your energy and time trying to change your partner and focusing on creating something different by telling your partner what they need to change… Stop giving your power away! Focusing on your side is super empowering and that’s how you create change, and ultimately the relationship and life you want. You can do it!

Stay tuned for next week’s issue on a Changing Dynamics topic…

Complete the Assignment, and share your takeaway, insights, and results with a note in the Comments box at the end! I’d love to hear how you are using this content.

Happy Changing!

P.S. We are here for you! If you need more support to creating your successful and meaningful life, we are here to help. I’d be honored to speak with you about how we can help you. Schedule a Get Acquainted Call to connect, and discuss how we can help you and how to get started. Look forward to Connecting with you!

P.S.S. Get the Snap Takeaways™ for this post 

P.S.S.S. Share Your Thoughts & Successes in the comment box at the end! Take a moment now to share below any thoughts, comments, take away, tips, and successes! PLEASE post a comment now – we grow in community! Thanks for connecting with the MetroRelationship Family!

 

 

   Copyright (c) 2019 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.

 

Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication? 

Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: 
Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com

 

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