I love new beginnings whether it’s a new year, a new season, a new chapter, or just a nice and simple refresh and reset… I believe these are amazing opportunities to take stock and plan anew to keep evolving and expanding ourselves and upleveling our life. This applies to all areas of our life, from personal to relationship to professional/business. A refresh and reset are great when feeling off and looking to increase connection in your relationship.
I usually like to connect working and improving on our life areas with creating new Habits to make it really easy to concretize, implement and sustain new behaviors… This is how we create change, through repeatable measurable behaviors.
I also usually like to advise that it’s not all about the doing, but the Being as well… It’s how and what we bring to our behaviors that create the results we desire. We can white-knuckle or willpower anything, really focus on our relationship, and work till we drop to still end up not creating the results we are after… With our Being we align, make the right choices, and connect…
We are still early in the year that you can take advantage of the possibilities inherent in this new beginning… You can still decide you will make this your best year yet and create a plan for making it happen.
When you make a decision and create a plan, you are more likely to achieve what you desire… This also means you can create the relationship you desire!
Creating the relationship you desire means bringing the Best You to your relationship… I have recently written extensively on this and guiding you on how to: become You 2.0, increase self-regulation and resilience, establish a rich self-care practice, take charge of your days, implement Intentional Habits™ and the like. Feel free to search for related topics on the Blog.
Creating the relationship you desire also means having to stretch to meet your partner…
For your relationship to be successful, you have to focus on you. You have to focus on what you need to change, improve, uplevel, and how to show up with the Best You. Now, now. This doesn’t mean you turn yourself into a pretzel to please your partner… And, that you change who you are to please your partner… It actually means exactly the opposite…
It means you become more authentically you, that you drop the defenses, the ego, the scripts, and such, to please your partner. AND, to create the relationship YOU want!
For your relationship to be successful, you also have to focus on your partner… What? We actually have to invest in our relationship? We actually have to enrich it? We actually have to nurture it? [Sarcasm…] Yes! If you don’t water a plant it dies, doesn’t it? What do you think happens to your relationship when you don’t tend to it?
Creating a Successful Relationship means implementing a Successful Couple Strategy™:
1. Embracing a Relationship Enrichment Mindset™ and a Relationship Enrichment Lifestyle™ (join our complimentary private community!), fully owning your contribution to the status quo and setting effective boundaries.
2. Getting and staying on the same page by minding your communication style, skills and tools. Preventing arguments, fights and escalations. Learning how to apologize and repair. Following healthy decision-making protocols.
3. Avoiding creating repeating dissatisfying patterns. Improving self-regulation and resilience so you are not so easily triggered and can more easily receive love. Getting each other’s needs met.
4. Increasing your connection, intimacy and fun. Creating, protecting and sustaining your connection, establishing reciprocal loving, and generating closeness. Eliminating the blocks to desire, increasing attraction and implementing a Successful Date Night™ protocol. Becoming more compatible.
5. Becoming a stronger partnership. Creating a Shared Life Vision, dreams and projects. Embracing a collaborative approach and implementing systems for taking care of responsibilities. Developing inspiring rituals and traditions, your Couple Brand™, and leaving a legacy.
So, if you are struggling in your relationship, there is plenty you can do to turn things around!
Today let’s focus on creating more connection as feeling disconnected can be an unbearable feeling that undermines our overall wellbeing, which can already be threatened this time of year…
I – Create, protect and sustain your connection – The easiest way to increase connection is to implement Connection Habits™. This ensures whatever intention you have to nurture your relationship and love on your partner, that you actually follow through consistently… I’m sure you are aware that our partner tends to fall to the bottom of our priority list, if they even get on it at all…
Create space in your routine for connection time and don’t let yourself be distracted from Being with your partner. Protect this space, time and focus but actually scheduling time, setting reminders, blocking distractions and such.
Make note that you might have the best of intentions, might have set up the best Habits, and mean well, but when it comes time to connect it fizzles… Why? Take a look at the energy you bring to the interactions… Make sure you show up without expectations, not in your partner’s circle, and with your Best Self…
II – Establish reciprocal loving – It is a given that we usually give love the way we like to receive love… This is the surest way to disappoint our partner! For they don’t necessarily like to receive love the way we do, they almost most certainly like to receive love differently than we do… If you’ve been beating your head against the wall thinking you do all this for your partner and they don’t even see it, this is why. And, this is also why you might not get how come they think they are doing all this for you when you don’t see anything…
The key is to identify your preferred love languages and for each of you to give love to your partner in the way you each like to receive love… Their love language might be foreign to you, but this is what is required… And, in stretching to give love in their love language you are expanding your repertoire and expanding yourself… A win-win after all!
Check out the Love Nudge app to help you, it’s from the creator of the 5 Love Languages concept. Let me know what you think.
III – Generate closeness – You might be setting up Date Nights and Couple Time to yet find that the time is filled with awkwardness, anxiety, disconnect, and even fighting. The purpose was to feel more connected and close, and by the end of it you feel worse. One of you might even be shutdown, creating additional distance…
The key here is to go deeper than superficial conversation or talking about the children or problems. And this is not the time to “talk about the relationship”!
To generate closeness the key is to share of your internal world… And, to equally induce your partner’s sharing of their internal world. Note, I used the word induce… We don’t want to force this- demand that they share. The sharing happens more naturally when there is safety… Your job is to show up inquisitive, inviting, open, accepting, trusting, and the like. Leave your criticism and judgement out the door.
Share openly, but wisely… Inquire curiously, but mindfully…
Connection can’t be forced. It happens when there is trust and safety. Make sure you are inviting and creating that for yourself and that you are creating that for your partner. When you do this, you’ll see the shift… And, they’ll reciprocate…
ASSIGNMENT: Make a commitment to nurture your relationship and love on your partner. Set the intention to increase your connection…
- Choose one approach to start with to increase your connection:
Implementing Connection Habits™
Embracing your Love Languages
Sharing your Internal World
- Focus on your approach with gusto, share it with your partner, make time for it, get resources, go all out.
Do keep in mind that with gusto doesn’t mean obnoxious. Go at it with ease, presence, and mindfulness. This is not about controlling and doing a ton of stuff. This is about Being with your partner…
- Choose one approach to start with to increase your connection:
It’s not easy to shift our attention to nurture, to give love, to be loving. Whatever approach you chose, even the intention as a whole, might be a stretch for you and/or your partner… Be easy, gentle and compassionate about it. This is a good focus. Enjoy it.
PS – Related Posts:
Giving to yourself for ultimate success
Give the Gift of Understanding and Compassion…
Giving, meaning and success
Letting go, productivity and meaningful holidays
Acknowledge and celebrate your accomplishments
Intentionally plan your holidays and year-end
Feeling funky, visioning and strategic planning
Create your best relationship year
Are you achieving your relationship goals?
How to waltz into the New Year!
Staying motivated with your new year’s intentions
New habits, routines and motivation
The power of having Intentional Habits™
Copyright (c) 2021 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
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Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Couple Strategy™ that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly connection notes in your inbox with Personal Development and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com