As we embark on this long holiday weekend kicking off the Summer, it is the perfect time to ponder upon what kind of Summer we’d like to have… By now most choices for academic and extracurricular activities for the next school year have also been completed, as we wrap up this year.
By now enrollment to Summer camps, programs and the like have been completed. And, by now vacations, trips, and experiences for the Summer have most likely also been chosen and even booked.
So, what’s left to do to enjoy the Summer, you ask? Well, as far as I’m concerned:
Select a Theme or Focus for the Summer – Even though we look at the Summer as a time of leisure, we tend to nonetheless pack it with activities… There is nothing wrong with being active and pursuing fun things. But, as usual, I caution the overpacking it in…
So, even if you have an exceptional funnest Summer Bucket List, don’t kill yourself doing all the items on the list. Use the list as inspiration and idea holder. The Theme or Focus can thus be: Relaxation. Leisure. Ease. Restful. Quiet. Pampering. Open. Free. Under-committed. Unscheduled. (More on Focus Terms™)
Select a Summer Project/s – I find so much inspiration during the Summer months. I believe the more ease, openness and spaciousness (from the usual, anyway) lends itself to more creativity… We get all juiced up to start Autumn and the “new (school) year” reaching for the Stars.
Summer is the perfect time to pursue a creative outlet, personal project, or personal development strategy as we tend to be more personally focused… But even a work, career, business or professional project is fun to take on as repose begets innovation…
Select the Experience to be had – And, by this I don’t mean having an activity type of experience, like going on a Safari (put that on your bucket list!). By this one I mean, how do you want to Feel during the Summer? How do you want to Experience, how do you want it to be like? What kind of memories would you want to make? What would make it memorable? What would make it exceptional? What would you want to be able to Memorialize?
After these, you are truly ready for the Summer. I find that if we are not intentional, time passes us by, and we don’t get to milk our moments for all they are worth. Don’t just saunter in, keep on as usual, and then regret you missed out on more fun. And, again, more fun doesn’t mean being loaded with more activities. It means enjoying the ones you do… Be selective. Be proactive. Be intentional.
Assignment: Do your Selecting this weekend. Choose how you want to Memorialize this Summer. Check out the Related Issues of Interest below to have a real intentional approach to this Summer.
Now is the time. Set up your Summer approach now and all you have to do later is to Enjoy!
Complete the Assignment, and share your takeaway, insights, and results with a note in the Comments box at the end! I’d love to hear how you are using this content.
Copyright (c) 2019 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
One version of couples struggling that I come across are couples with partners that are codependent. These are the couples that are stuck in patterns that they can’t seem to break, they have a lot of fighting and drama or complete disconnect (conflict avoiding).
They feel they are behind their peers in terms of professional and relational achievements, and can’t seem to synchronize on handling the business of creating a joint life and getting their needs met.
In these couples the partners show up in two ways:
One is the pursuer (borderline tendencies…) – the one that needs connection and acknowledgement to feel OK.
The other is the distancer (narcissistic tendencies…) – the one that needs more space to be themselves to feel OK.
Note, that nothing in life is so clear cut – there is range on both sides on how this manifests. The couples that struggle the most are the most polarized.
These partners create a loop of pursuing and distancing that creates more stuck patterns and dissatisfaction. They constantly hurt each other, usually not intentionally. Their main focus is to make sure they are OK. Their ego is on overdrive to make sure they are not smothered or swallowed up (for the distancer) and not abandoned or rejected (for the pursuer).
The ego’s approach at making sure we are OK, is to do more of the same and more intensely – nobody ever said the ego is smart… Therefore, if you are a pursuer – to feel OK you pursue even more. If you are a distancer, to feel OK to distance even more… If your partner distances, you pursue. If your partner pursues, you distance. You see how we can get stuck?
One of the pursuer’s main fear is not to be seen, feeling like they don’t exist or count. For the distancer, one main fear is of not being good enough, or feeling small or not measuring up.
The way the partners go about addressing their related needs trigger the other’s fears which engage their ego further (the fear-based approach to relating and life). When the pursuer wants connection and acknowledgement and they don’t get it, they micromanage and criticize to get what they want – which makes the distancer feel not good enough and small like they don’t have a voice or can’t be themselves.
When the distancer wants space and have a voice and they don’t get it, they shut down and withdraw and go do their own thing – which makes the pursuer feel abandoned, not wanted and not existent.
And, this creates a mess! Here are two quick tips to start breaking the codependency:
1 – Own yourself and not your partner! If I got a dollar for every time I say or write that… Mind your beliefs, thinking, feelings, communication, and attitude and behavior… and not your partner’s…
2 – Work your “stretch”. If you are a distancer, your stretch is to feel your feelings, own your voice responsively and respectfully, and not shut down or withdraw – safeguard the connection… If you are a pursuer, your stretch is to contain yourself, self soothe, self regulate and self manage, find ways to stay grounded and engaged, and to be patient and stand still…
When couples focus on changing how they are contributing to their stuckness and invest in stretching and changing their own approach to the relationship and their partner, beautiful things start to happen. I wish this for you. I you happiness , abundance and authenticity upon you!
Happy Stretching!
~ Your MetroRelationship™ Assignment
If you are a distancer – find two areas you need to be more vocal on and mindfully share your perspective on them… (this gives you a voice and importance)
If you are a pursuer – find two self care activities to integrate into your routine… (this helps you self soothe and regulate)
Add this to your Tool Kit…
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
Do you know when you get on your partner’s nerves? There is a general underlying theme to the complaints couples usually share and that is that their partner is being egocentric. Egocentrism gets in the way of witnessing our partner’s beauty, gifts and contributions.
It keeps us trapped in our mind’s machinations and delusions keeping us from Being our Authentic Self. Egocentrism prevents us from connecting with our partner and from having the relationship we want.
Most complaints can be boiled down to partners being egocentric. And, yes, this applies to those with codependent tendencies as well… Partners get stuck on their perspective, expectations, position, blaming the other or looking for the other’s shortcomings, and how their needs are not met. We can’t see our partner in all their glory – their brilliance, intentions, and love. We can’t be mindful and loving.
Egocentric interactions cause pain. Our behavior is reactive and calculated. We are out to get our needs met no matter what – most of the times at our partner’s and the relationship’s expense… The result is that we actually don’t really get our needs met…
Characteristics of egocentric behavior include being: inconsiderate, self-righteous, controlling, rigid, manipulative, flaky, unaccountable, aggressive, passive-aggressive, overbearing, invisible, withdrawn or non-involved. It is impossible to create a wonderful relationship when we use these tactics.
These hurt our partner and invite them to protect themselves, even retaliate, creating reciprocal negative and dissatisfying interactions. The stuckness in our relationship is made up of this yucky pattern.
Egocentrism comes from fear. We are egocentric as a means to make sure we are OK. Our ego is out to protect us unfortunately to our detriment as it forges “separateness” promoting additional fear and pain. What we desired in the first place, being connected, accepted and loved, is but impossible to get when we operate from this place. We are actually putting our hand up and saying ‘stop’.
Your stretch is to recognize when you are operating from an ego, fear-based place and move yourself to a heart centered, love-based place; mind your yucky thinking, engage your Authentic Self. When you recognize that you are being egocentric, you can bet your partner has not been experiencing you as loving. You have most likely been getting on their nerves and hurting them.
Once you are able to recognize that you’ve been egocentric, you can share your revelation with your partner. Share your fear script, your doubts, and your pain. Remember to speak about your vulnerability and not about how your partner contributed to the dissatisfying interaction. No need to overload, an acknowledgement of your wrong approach and reason behind it is sufficient.
Communicating on your process and sharing your vulnerability is validating to your partner allowing them to make sense of things, which in turn takes the sting away. This is an awesome repair skill to make nice after you’ve been hurtful. This level of self-ownership is empowering and healing, and builds intimacy and connection. Go for it, stop getting on your partner’s nerves!
Complete the MetroRelationship (sm) Assignment below to help you effortlessly implement this, make changes and immediately start experiencing the relationship you want.
Happy Repairing!
~ Your MetroRelationship ™ Assignment
This week, think about one of your reactions, positions, or behavior that you can recognize as egocentric, fear driven.
Think about how this could have been experienced by your partner… And, how they might have felt.
Create a soft, playful, fun, cozy, mindful, safe moment during which you can share your insight with your partner.
Add this to your took kit…
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
Couple relationships experiencing difficulties can be categorized into two broad styles of relating: temperamental or tenuous, and can fluctuate between these extremes. These relationships are not satisfying, and not likely to succeed – enjoy couples’ inherent synergy, as the partners are spent in their constant efforts to address the impact of their relational style.
The partners might feel overwhelmed and exhausted by the level of reactivity in the temperamental relating and/or sad and alone by the distance in the tenuous relating.
The temperamental relationship might appear chaotic, volatile, reactive, the partners are all over each other. The tenuous relationship might appear rigid, cold, boring, polite, a lot of rules are in place, the partners lead parallel lives. Some relationships might fluctuate between these or have traits of both.
Regardless of the relational style polarity the partners tend to create, one of the common denominators between the styles is their ineffective system structure. The couple system consists of two individual subsystems, the partners. How these are aligned within the couple system determines in part the effectiveness of information and energy flow between the partners required for building intimacy and connection.
When this flow is disrupted by an inappropriate systemic structure, the partners can not be their authentic selves in their interactions nor be fully alive in their relationship.
Imagine the partners as circles. In the temperamental relationship, the partners are enmeshed with one another. Their individual circles might significantly overlap one another or one might engulf the other. In the tenuous relationship the partners are disengaged where their individual circles might be very separate, might have an obstruction in between them, or are above one another.
Combination of these are possible creating more complex interactional patterns.
Imagine the couple system itself represented by a circle that contains the individual circles structure. The success of this system depends also on how the individual circles are positioned in relation to it. In some troubled couples, one or both of the individual circles might be outside the couple circle, or the couple circle is barely discernible.
In these cases, the energy is leaked out of the couple system giving the partners a double whammy to deal with – funky relational structure and views.
It makes sense then that couples would struggle… And, a little mis-alignment is probably present in most couples, not just the ones screaming for help… How can couples possibly experience and enjoy synergy!? We haven’t been taught how to do relationship health and maintenance. If anything, most of us have grown up with mediocre relational role models at best.
Not to worry, good intention and an open heart is a good beginning. Then, restructure your system to its proper healthy functional order! How?
1) Mind your interactions to see if you are doing any engulfing, owning, dismissing, rejecting or other disruptive relating with your partner. Correct any tendencies to do this.
2) Accept your partner fully – you don’t have to love everything about them or agree with everything they say and do, but try to understand, get and accept them for who they are.
3) Treat your partner as an equal and invite their authentic Self to come out and play.
4) Address gender and other roles, expectations, cultural influences and differences.
5) Cooperate with each other. Set up clear responsibilities and opportunities to shine.
6) Have functional and efficient routines for taking care of the business of life. Schedule staying current discussions.
7) Have a united front, work as a team, address any obstacles standing in between you or pulling you apart.
8) Build in couple fun and intimate time. Dialogue about what it takes for you to feel special in your relationship and how to sprinkle that into your relating.
9) Re-introduce old rituals and create new ones. Intentionally interact with one another. Regularly share what you appreciate about each other.
10) Set out to create the relationship you want with your partner. Mark your calendars with your next “Relationship Check-up Chat”.
The current state and structure of your relationship is a manifestation of your and your partner’s growth opportunity. You are co-creating exactly what you each need right now in your journey to continue to grow and heal your Selves. What a beautiful and humbling treat! Don’t let the moment pass you by, savor its richness. Appreciate the way of things.
Happy Restructuring!!
~ Your MetroRelationship ™Assignment
Discuss with your partner ways in which you can each bring more equality, respect and intention into the relationship. Share with each other one new behavior you each intend to implement to foster effective information and energy flow between you for greater connectedness and intimacy, healing and growth.
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
You might not have a chance if you keep this up: A tendency to look for weaknesses, gaps, holes, things to improve, deficiencies and the like, and miss the boat on capitalizing on strengths in your relationship. We bring this tendency to how we view our partner and how we relate with them. We look for their shortcomings, what they forget to do, what they could do better, and what else they can do for us. We use a lack and negative expectations lens. We filter our experience to prove our negative expectations. We expect our partner to fail before they even try.
It is imperative that we stop using this destructive lens and reprogram our thinking. When partners struggle in their relationship, they usually have a proclivity for assuming the worst about their partner’s motives and how they feel. They sell themselves short believing their partner does not like them or care about them, then go about relating from this perspective…
Can you imagine how differently you’d relate if you believed you are cherished as opposed to hated? You’d be a lot more open and giving, and a lot less defensive and mean.
It is imperative that we give our partner the benefit of the doubt, the opportunity to show us their greatness, and take a risk letting them show us their love and care. I know it is challenging to do this, especially when our partner has been operating with defense mechanisms, which are usually hurtful to us. But they can’t give us something different if we don’t give them the chance.
I encourage partners to do Appreciations to start reprogramming this undermining habit. This forces them to focus on the positives in their partner, interactions and relationship. They get to search, find and acknowledge their partner’s good qualities, efforts and investments. This shift in focus assists in rewiring the brain, creating a different brain circuitry, which allows a different experience to emerge…
Learning to focus on the positive and things we is an essential skill. It engages the gratitude center of the brain, which cannot be in a state of gratitude and a state of fear at the same time. We usually operate from a fear state that is driven by egotistical thoughts… It is time to make a concerted effort at operating from a gratitude state. This means operating from an appreciation and abundant position that is driven by Loving and accepting thoughts…
We are not our mind… We do have control over our thoughts… We get into trouble when we overly identify with our mind. We don’t realize that our mind is just a tool for Self expression, that we don’t use well at that. We create incessant noise with our negative thinking, ugly pictures and low or unrealistic expectations. We end up creating an unsatisfying self-fulfilling prophecy and prevent our self from Being! It is time to properly engage your mind.
Take charge of what you think, what scripts you run, how you interpret things, what meaning you assign, and what pictures you conjure.
Remember that what we focus on perseveres, what we imagine we create, and what we expect we get. Create the most outrageous vision of your most fabulous relationship, and then carry on as if it already is… The more adept you get at engaging your mind the more wonderful your life and relationship are.
Happy Conjuring!
~ Your MetroRelationship ™Assignment
Let’s do better with focusing on the good and new…
Pay attention to the things you like throughout the day
Focus on the qualities you are attracted to in your partner
Identify your partner’s strengths and how they make your life better
Notice anything new your partner is trying to implement, any efforts put forth and any nurturing gestures (focus ONLY on what is, NOT what is not!)
Observe how you allow the good to come to you and how you are able to receive the good that is given…
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
STAY CONNECTED WITH US, SUBSCRIBE TO OUR NEWSLETTER
And, Get a FREE Relationship Enrichment Mini Course!
You CAN create the relationship you desire!
You have Successfully Subscribed!
With this Mini Course learn how to immediately Break your Impasse, Improve your Communication, Increase your Intimacy, Connection and Fun, & Create a Strong Partnership...
And with Emma’s weekly Love rich with Personal Development & Relationship Enrichment know-how, announcements, resources and more straight into your inbox.
Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT has been in the mental health profession in varying capacities for the past 20+ years. She is the Founder and Director of metrorelationship.com a psychotherapy and coaching practice specializing in working with busy professional and entrepreneurial couples who are struggling getting on the same page and feeling connected. The work helps couples create a radiant and successful relationship and meaningful life by becoming a strong partnership and increasing their connection, intimacy, and fun. Emma is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Relationship Strategy™.
Pin It on Pinterest
We track visits and User's visit information to analyze our performance and trends in order to create targeted messaging and programs to best serve you. We use cookies to provide a personalized and smoother browsing experience. Refer to our Privacy Policy for additional details.
You consent to our tracking and cookies when using our Websites.
