Great communication has to do with smoothing things out and feeling Aligned. It has to do with getting on the same page, feeling understood and accepted, and getting traction towards a vision in common. Unfortunately, partners get in their own way when interacting with each other which prevents the flow of joy, harmony and love that is possible when doing this well. Let’s remove the roadblocks to great communication. Shall we?
Gottman is a researcher who has a research-based approach to relationships. If you are struggling in your relationship, you might be already acquainted with the 4 Horseman… Once Contempt shows up, the relationship is in trouble. This creates painful and damaging exchanges. Contempt is a strong predictor of divorce!
The easiest way to avoid these is to be preventative in your communication approach to begin with. If you employ great communication skills and tools, you won’t be finding the 4 Housemen at your doorsteps.
And hey, I’m not one to give up or let others give up easily… So even if these are currently present in your relationship, I encourage you to work your side to stop doing these and to invite something else from your partner…
Here is where Relationship Mindset, personal ownership and effective boundaries come in very handy. These are important for you to change how you choose to look at and experience your partner and your relationship… For once you do so, you can show up differently and invite something different from your partner…
In any case, aside from keeping the 4 Horseman away, you also need to avoid the Dirty Dozen of Communication in your interactions.
The Dirty Dozen of Communication
1 – Addressing needs or concerns when triggered
When we are in a triggered state, our brain is marinating in emotional juices that prevent us from fully accessing the executive, logical and problem-solving part of our brain. This means that no matter how hard you try to get on the same page it’s virtually impossible to stay sensible and productive.
This is not a judgment against feelings. Feelings have their place, but when rampant and heightened they don’t support productive communication.
2 – Using electronic devices as modes of communication
It is so interesting that partners choose to address concerns on social media and other platforms, via email, and specially via text. I realize that we live in an age of electronic communication, but so much gets lost via this medium…
A communication approach needs to include visual, audio and physical presence so you can feel the energy better and include touch as you see fit. This ensures you are able to pick up all the nuances of the communication and align with more than just words. And so that the words are not taken out of context or misinterpreted.
3 – Addressing issues on the fly
It is unproductive to throw issues out into the air and expect our partner to catch them and play nice with them. It’s unfair to expect them to catch them at all, and then to be ready on a whim to give the topic the proper attention it needs.
Nothing serious should be tackled this way as the context might not be conducive for a deep and productive conversation, and our partner might not be receptive for whatever reason. A productive conversation happens when the partners are ready to have a productive conversation. Setting up time and the proper context goes a huge way.
4 – Starting conversations when not in a good state
If you or your partner is not in a good state, it doesn’t make sense to have the conversation. This is true even if the conversation was set up properly ahead of time. If either of you is hungry, tired, still triggered, and such, you are not resourced enough and won’t have what it takes to do the conversation justice.
In this case it is best to reschedule or postpone the conversation and address other needs first.
5 – Disregarding good communication skills and tools
You might start a conversation with the best of intentions but as soon as things get a little hot, all the skills and tools go out the window. This is why it’s very important to be resourced, so a little heat doesn’t throw you off.
Also, setting up the conversation properly ensures you bring your skills and tools with you. A less intentional approach might miss this important detail…
Using your skills and tools is a decision. Make it wisely and honor it. Don’t get lazy. If you find that you feel like disregarding the skills and tools or that you can’t access them, then it’s not a good time to have a meaningful conversation…
6 – Forcing conversations
Remember you both have to be in the right place, and stay in the right place, for a meaningful conversation to take place and continue. If this is not true for either of you, or if things change as the conversation is underway, then it’s time to call it. Either postpone the conversation or pause it…
Do set up another time to pick up where you left off and make sure you do so. This sets up a precedent to be able to not push to have conversations that are not likely to go well in the moment… It creates trust allowing for a necessary cooling off or resetting period.
7 – Not really listening, paying attention or taking in the other
What’s the point of having a conversation if you are not listening, paying attention or taking in your partner? The point of having a conversation is to understand and get each other. To get on the same page. To resolve concerns. To collaborate. To dream. To share love.
If you are not present, if you are listening to combat what you are hearing, if you just want to talk about your side, you are missing the point of having the conversation… In this instance, you might as well forego the talk as you are actually creating more damage by not mindfully showing up…
8 – Not having personal accountability and ownership
You’ll find it insightful and eye-opening to revisit in your mind’s eye a past interaction with your partner that didn’t go well.
When you revisit, make believe you are an invisible stranger observing the exchange. This stranger is a relationship expert and has successful relationship tactics know-how…
See how the stranger sees you and how you are interacting… Does the stranger think you are being accountable for yourself, showing up with your best self, and fully owning yourself?
The stranger is not there to observe your partner, they are only able to see you… What do they see? Do they think you are doing the best job you can? What might they offer you as feedback?
Take this feedback to heart and make the necessary changes going forward…
9 – Track-jumping and messy content
Decide before hand what the topic of discussion is and the intention for the conversation. The quickest way to lose each other, trigger each other, and to shift from the possibility of a great conversation to one that crashes is to be messy in what you bring up…
Avoid jumping from topic to topic or example to example, going off on lengthy tangents, not fully finishing your thought or sentences before changing to something else, and such…
And avoid using sensitive information or already addressed and resolved issues to make your points! There is nothing more hurtful than to use your partner’s sensitivities, especially things shared in confidence or during vulnerable moments.
Take the time to organize your thoughts, your message, your point and stick with it as you go. Stay mindful of not hurting your partner unnecessarily, and especially not intentionally.
10 – Making a federal case
The point of a conversation with your partner is not to win. That’s right, there is no winning in a relationship… If you “win” that means your partner “loses”, right? And, if that’s the case, did you actually “win”?
When you go about a conversation as if you are trying a federal case, everybody loses. There is no logic or empirical data that’s relevant to getting on the same page… Everything about a relationship is subjective, emotional and personal…
Therefore, stop with trying to prove how things really happened, and who is right and who is wrong, and keeping a scorecard!
Tactics like analyzing, interpreting, diagnosing, questioning, probing, and arguing have no place in a conversation where you are holding space for your partner to show up and for you to really get them…
Conversations are not about me vs you. Conversations are about me getting you…
11 – Being aggressive in speech, attitude or behavior
The simplest way to create friction, misalignment, and invite poor reactions from our partner is to show up protecting ourselves, trying to win or one-up our partner. When we try to force our way in some way, it is destructive.
This can take a lot of different forms, but the not-so-obvious ones include: Ordering, directing, commanding, warning, threatening, admonishing, and the like…
12 – Patronizing in some form…
Believe it or not, some things that we might consider positive in interactions are actually not great forms of communication… These include things like: Praising, agreeing, supporting, reassuring, sympathizing, consoling, advising, giving solutions, suggesting and such. The reason for this is that we are infusing ourselves in the interaction with these tactics…
A conversation has two parts, being there for our partner and our partner being there for us. Being there for our partner means absolutely and fully getting their side without infusing anything from ours into it… It means not corrupting their experience with ours…
This is a huge concept, as most of us use the above to be supportive, understanding and such not realizing that we actually undermine, minimize and dismiss the other’s experience when we interject ourselves into it… Just hold space for your partner’s experience and their truth…
Let’s say that you don’t have great communication skills and tools yet. Being mindful of avoiding the above will take you a long way as you expand your great communication skills and tools repertoire.
The key is to bring as much mindfulness and positive intentions to your interactions as possible.
ASSIGNMENT: Make a list of all the poor communication habits and undermining tactics you tend to employ in your communication and interactions with your partner, and others for that matter! Select the two that are the most pervasive, and commit to eradicating them from approach.
Being an intentional and mindful communicator is a gift to your partner and your relationship. And, to you, as upgrading how you communicate will definitely bring your relationship to the next level. You CAN create the relationship you desire…
Wishing you much joy, connection and love today and always…
Copyright (c) 2021 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Couple Strategy™ that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly connection notes in your inbox with Personal Development and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com
Post Valentine’s Day Blues are real… There is even a thing as “Anti Valentine’s Day Week”… This week is not just for those that don’t believe on the mushy holiday, but also for those who are disappointed by it. Regardless of what camp you are in on the holiday and your Valentine’s Day experience, you can use this week to enrich your relationship. I say you – do it again, do it over, or do it after all…
This idea has to do with not wasting any opportunities to be loving, nurturing, and generous. So, whether you don’t care about Valentine’s Day, had a phenomenal experience, or had a terrible experience here is another opportunity to celebrate and enjoy each other…
~ Now, I get that you really might not give a hoot about Valentine’s Day – to that I say forget the Valentine’s Day concept behind this suggestion. Instead focus on the message.
The message is to do something amazing for and with your partner. Yes, you can do that anytime you don’t need this holiday for that. True. So, again, ignore the holiday and take the prompt to do something special and enjoy each other. Partners are neglecting each other more than ever right about now. So, whatever it takes, feel the nudge. Why not take a nudge to be loving any time, even this time?
~ You might have had an amazing Valentine’s Day. You get a Gold Star! It is not easy to plan, make the time, nurture and give, and enjoy good things… Specially with our partner…
So, why not do it again? And again? And again…? The point in this scenario is not to keep doing Valentine’s Day, but to keep nurturing your relationship just as much and as well. If we only gave our relationship as much attention and nurturing as we give other things in our life… Can you see the possibilities for your relationship?!
~ Right now, I actually want to support those who didn’t have a great experience for Valentine’s Day. They wanted to. They tried. But it was still a flop and didn’t get what they desired.
If this is you, you are not alone.
Why You Didn’t Have a Great Valentine’s Day
You might have set out to have a great Valentine’s Day or you got the flowers and the sweets, yet it all felt mechanical, empty and flat.
Valentine’s Day, or Anniversaries, or Mother’s and Father’s Days, or Birthdays for that matter, don’t have to do with the doing and the buying… This is partly where partner’s go wrong. Partners get hang up on the hoopla, or lack thereof, and miss the point of these celebrations…
The point to any celebration is to celebrate the people involved.
These celebrations have to do with acknowledging a partner’s brilliance, uniqueness, commitment, devotion, loyalty, contributions, accomplishments and how they make a positive difference in our life.
When we have celebrations, we might not do a great job of acknowledging and celebrating the people, and the relationship.
Celebrations become about the stuff and not the experience of spotlighting the awesomeness… Therein lies the rub…
People usually have a strong negativity bias, unless they are from Mars. Just kidding. Unless they are in the minority who don’t, for varied reasons. Or, if they’ve worked on reprogramming themselves and continue to be very intentional about focusing on the positives vs. the negatives…
When a person has a strong negativity bias, they filter every experience with a fear-based lens as a survival mechanism. They live in a blind-like state missing out on the awesomeness and the possibilities…
They notice and focus on everything that’s out of place, everything that’s wrong, everything that can be improved, everything that can be different or better, and such… This is not coming from a desire to continually evolve. This is coming from lack and deprivation and as a survival tactic… Very different.
So, I’m sure you can see how this plays out in our relationship… If one or both partners are constantly negatively focused, they’ll have a tendency to complain, nitpick, criticize, control, nag, micromanage, and the like.
And do you know what happens when partner’s do this? The other dismisses, minimizes, shuts down, withdraws, or chooses not to contribute (intentionally or not…).
You might take turns showing up with these defenses. Or, more likely you have polarized into one or the other style.
What happens when partners polarize? Their dynamics get stuck. They keep having the same recurring arguments, the same way. They can’t seem to resolve concerns or issues. They have a hard time getting on the same page and collaborating.
And, most importantly, when partners polarize, they feel disconnected, unloved, taken for granted and the like… They don’t know how to connect, have fun together and enjoy each other…
Well then, doesn’t it make sense that if a partner, or both, have been in a funk of any kind pre-pandemic, and even more so now with our global situation, that they’d have their negativity bias running rampant? And, if that’s the case, that they’d create funky dynamics and feel stuck in their relationship?
Then how are they supposed to see and acknowledge the beauty in their partner? How are they to celebrate their partner when they barely see them?
And, how are they to celebrate their relationship when they might not feel there is anything great to celebrate?
Doesn’t it make sense then that Valentine’s Day was rough??
How to Get Back to Loving…
The key here is not to go at Valentine’s Day or any celebration with a traditional approach. The solution is to address the state of your relationship…
And this is not by talking about the relationship… This is by focusing on Enriching Your Relationship. It’s about turning up the dial on how you show up, what you put in, and how grace-full and gracious you are… It’s about:
Minding your minds
Working at communication
Addressing triggers and meeting needs
Creating and nurturing connection
Cracking collaboration
Then you see your partner. Then you see their beauty. Then you love the relationship.
When you mind your relationship, you can celebrate your partner and your relationship…
This is a work in progress, so in the meantime the simplest thing to do is not to run the other way and to ignore the disappointing Valentine’s Day.
The thing to do is to try a celebration again… You don’t have to do the pink and red, but rather set up time to spotlight any awesomeness you are able to see and share the love you know you have… You might not be feeling the love right about now, but you know it’s there…
Set up the opportunity to connect and enjoy.
Here is another chance at Love. Take a risk, take advantage. There is nothing to lose.
ASSIGNMENT: Invite your partner to a Date. Include all the elements you know they enjoy. And, show up with your Best Self and best of intentions to please and be pleased. Look for and bask in what’s great. Enjoy!
Wishing you much joy, connection and love today and always…
Copyright (c) 2021 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Couple Strategy™ that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly connection notes in your inbox with Personal Development and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com
Do you love Valentine’s Day? Some obviously don’t. And, some would totally love to love it but because of their circumstances it is just a painful holiday for them. Which one are you? If you fall in the don’t love it (actually hate it) or in the painful category, I hope you can still find nuggets in here to apply to your life and relationship/s outside of Valentine’s Day… So, here is what to do with Valentine’s Day…
Yes, it has been a very challenging past year. What this past year has done for relationships is not actually what people predicted and anticipated at the beginning of the Pandemic. It has not brought on a Baby Boom. And, it has not brought on a surge in divorce rates.
What does this mean? This means that couples are actually in a paralyzed state. They are stagnant, they are stuck, they are numb. They are surviving the onslaught of additional demands and the impact of these scary and uncertain times and the tension they create.
Partners are enduring more friction, they are experiencing more fighting, and they are hanging in there with less attention, nurturing and compassion. They are putting their heads down and just drudging on…
They are resigned to their current state and are on survival mode. They seem frozen in time… They are not taking enough action to address their situation. They are just grinning and bearing it. A real sad state of affairs and really not sustainable…
Then, comes Valentine’s Day time…
Valentine’s Day can be used as a saving grace… This can be used to set things right…
I implore you, regardless of what camp you are in on VDay, to heed what’s offered here not to follow a shallow holiday but to use it as a tool…
This Valentine’s Day is Different
This Valentine’s Day is different this year, Partners:
Are not in the mood given their current state…
Find it frivolous to splurge on a silly holiday when funds are tight.
Might not have the financials to allocate to the holiday even they want to.
Feel at a loss for how to celebrate as options are very limited with the current restrictions.
Have inadequate support if they have small children making it harder to make time to celebrate.
Are preoccupied with more important things.
…
Well, I say all that is bogus:
You don’t need money to celebrate if that is your excuse…
Yes, we have restrictions, that can be worked around…
Stop using your children as an excuse to neglect your relationship…
And if you don’t have the will, I encourage you to challenge that for your own and your relationship’s wellbeing… Choose to transcend the minutia, the monotony, the numbness, the apathy and to show up… It is a choice!
Celebrating Valentine’s Day Amidst a Pandemic
Hey, nobody has ever said life is easy. It so happens that part of our journey includes weathering a Global Pandemic. Aren’t we lucky to have this additional extra experience to contend with? We can’t say our time on earth was boring. Thriving during this pandemic is our code to crack… So, let’s please do that…
You can celebrate as simply or as intricately as you like. If you are up for intricate you are on the right track on your own, but can still borrow from these to additionally enrich your relationship:
You don’t have to go out to dinner or worry that you have limited options for fun activities. You can do these at home. Cook a different and special meal. Add candles and soft ambient music. Put the devices away. Have a special fun dessert. Plan a fun at home activity…
You don’t have to have an event for it. You can just acknowledge the day with special treatment of your partner and gestures.
You can gift a thoughtful bought or homemade card, or video.
You can celebrate with as simple a gesture as a Love Letter or Love Poem or Love Art Piece…
You can set time for a few minutes of sharing appreciations.
You can have a dance off, a pillow or tickle fight, or chase around the house for a more energetic exchange.
You can choose to interact with or give Love Promissory Notes in your partner’s Love Language.
The sky is the limit, really. Let your imagination run wild. You make this what you want it to be….
Why even bother? WHY NOT?! This is a built-in opportunity to snap out of the numbness, to gain and give comfort and security, to synchronize energetically with your partner, to share a fun, nurturing and loving moment, to nurture your relationship, to acknowledge your love, to celebrate your love, to get back on track, to recharge and to reignite.
Don’t waste this opportunity to invest in your relationship!
And while you are at it, why not do something that you can use to start a new Relationship Tradition. I shared about Rituals and Traditions in a Facebook Live: Check out the recording!
Again, you don’t have to be all sappy about it if that is not your style but do use this opportunity to generate more relationship energy, cohesiveness and satisfaction. Let your radiance shine through!
ASSIGNMENT: Watch this webinar!
3 Key Ingredients for Rekindling Love & Desire- Learn how to increase your connection, intimacy and fun Get it Here!
Wishing you much joy, fun, connection and love and the loveliest of Valentine’s Days…
Copyright (c) 2021 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Couple Strategy™ that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly connection notes in your inbox with Personal Development and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com
Have you ever noticed that there are certain couples in your life that you love being around, and others that you dread or avoid? How do you think others experience your relationship? Do they want to be around you and your partner? Or, do you find that you each get invites to go solo? Is your Couple Brand™ what you want it to be? Does your Couple Brand™ need upgrading?
Your couple brand is the flavor of your relationship. It’s also how your relationship comes across to others, and how others think of you as a couple.
If your relationship were to be described by your friends and families, what would they say about it? Do you think this captures the essence of it? Do you feel it’s reflective of how you experience your relationship? What is congruent and what isn’t?
And, let’s say that they got it right on the button and that you agree with what they see. Is what’s captured the relationship you want to have? Is this your Best Relationship?
If you were to choose the couple brand from scratch, what would you want it to be? What kind of relationship flavor do you want? What does the relationship you desire, your Best Relationship, look and feel like?
Here are some Couple Brand™ characteristics:
Tumultuous
Train Wreck
Argumentative
Bickering
Lots of fighting
Drama
Sick
Dysfunctional
Disloyal
Unsupportive
Uncommitted
Ships passing in the night
Roommates
Parallel lives
Single parenting
Dual careers
Power couple
Supportive
Cooperative
Collaborative
Strong partnership
Solid
Committed
Loyal
Loving
Fun
Adventurous
Funny
Romantic
Playful
Service oriented
Growth oriented
Wellness oriented
Inspiring
Role model
What is the current relationship flavor you have created? Are you satisfied with it? Would you change or expand it? To what? Choose a flavor form the list or choose your own! What kind of Couple Brand™ do you want to have? Who do you want to be as a couple?
Upgrade your Couple Brand™
Just as with any branding, first you have to connect to or identify what you stand for, the values you embrace and how you express those values. What is the purpose, mission and vision, what’s unique and sets you apart, how you want to be known, how you embody and live by your beliefs, how you show up authentically, how you represent, how you embrace who you are becoming…
This is a tall order. Usually, the partners don’t even know the answer to the above for themselves and are not in touch with their own Personal Brand. They live their lives by default and cocreate a relationship dynamic, relationship flavor and couple brand by default as well…
So, first explore and develop these aspects personally and make sure your own personal brand is up to par… Make it your business to own yourself more every day and embrace your brilliance more and more each day.
Then integrate your individual brands to develop a joint version… This is where things get interesting.
You might each have amazing personal brands but might find a lot of disconnects and differences to develop a cohesive joint brand. Therein lies the challenge… This is part of your relationship work and development…
Hey, you might say, Why do I even need a couple brand? You don’t need one but note that you are creating one whether you know it or not. So why not create one that you can be proud of? That serves as a role model to your children, and/or others? Why not create an amazing legacy? Why not use your relationship to fully embrace your human experience…?
As you each become more known and more accepted by each other, you’ll create more connection, intimacy and flow… This in and of itself starts expanding and aligning your Couple Brand™… See what emerges and name it. This is not static so don’t worry about being accurate or precise in your naming.
Your brand is always evolving… Just be intentional about it…
And note that what you do with the differences is what matters in the end. For you will have plenty… This is what makes you unique.
How you make it work for you, how you get creative, proactive and progressive and create your own relationship flavor is in the end your Couple Brand™. Make it a good one!
ASSIGNMENT: Focusing on developing your Couple Brand™ will not only Align you to You, but also assist you more easily implement a Relationship Enrichment Lifestyle…
In other words, it’ll help you more easily create the relationship you desire, your radiant and successful relationship.
First, play with your Personal Branding. The more you own yourself the easier and more satisfying the relationship becomes…
If you are a Member watch this Deep Dive on our Member Center and complete the related exercises in the handout: Plan Your Best Year Yet, New Beginning or Reset
Then, play with your Couple Branding. Identify what characteristics are part of your current brand that you want to change and what your ultimate Couple Brand™ would be. And, take an action toward those changes and additions.
Finally, add a Connection Habit™ to lubricate the way as you expand your repertoire and your flavor…
As Valentine’s Day is upon us, now is the perfect time to be intentional about upgrading your relationship. Embrace a relationship enrichment lifestyle. Embrace creating your Best Relationship ever.
Copyright (c) 2021 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Couple Strategy™ that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly connection notes in your inbox with Personal Development and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com
STAY CONNECTED WITH US, SUBSCRIBE TO OUR NEWSLETTER
And, Get a FREE Relationship Enrichment Mini Course!
You CAN create the relationship you desire!
You have Successfully Subscribed!
With this Mini Course learn how to immediately Break your Impasse, Improve your Communication, Increase your Intimacy, Connection and Fun, & Create a Strong Partnership...
And with Emma’s weekly Love rich with Personal Development & Relationship Enrichment know-how, announcements, resources and more straight into your inbox.
Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT has been in the mental health profession in varying capacities for the past 20+ years. She is the Founder and Director of metrorelationship.com a psychotherapy and coaching practice specializing in working with busy professional and entrepreneurial couples who are struggling getting on the same page and feeling connected. The work helps couples create a radiant and successful relationship and meaningful life by becoming a strong partnership and increasing their connection, intimacy, and fun. Emma is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Relationship Strategy™.
Pin It on Pinterest
We track visits and User's visit information to analyze our performance and trends in order to create targeted messaging and programs to best serve you. We use cookies to provide a personalized and smoother browsing experience. Refer to our Privacy Policy for additional details.
You consent to our tracking and cookies when using our Websites.OK
