5 Reasons Why Your Desire Might Be Low (Ep.36)

by Emma Viglucci

There is such a thing as not being on the same page with our partner about our physical intimacy… You know, like when they want to be intimate a lot more than you, they want to do it at all hours, in all the places, whenever the mood strikes. Which seems to be all the time…

You? Not so much. You are more subtle. You need to feel ready, to be comfortable, to be wooed into it. You need all the stars to line up. The running joke I have with our clients.

In today’s podcast episode, I cover what this is about. It’s called Desire Discrepancy that’s influenced by the partners’ seemingly opposite desire styles.

Where one partner, usually the man, has a Spontaneous Style. Meaning they are pretty much always ready to go.

And the other, usually the woman, has a Responsive Style. This means they have to be (get) ready to go… They become ready, and responsive, when they can relax into the safety, security, and spirit of the moment…

If the partners don’t intentionally attend to these styles, they run the risk of creating the Female Orgasmic Disorder (the woman has a challenging time reaching orgasm if at all) and the Penile Erectile Disorder (the man has a challenging time getting and / or maintaining their erection)… 

Not being mindful of each other’s styles sets the partners up to get stuck in a pattern that could lead to those dysfunctions.

Additionally, the hectic modern life we lead now adays, does not serve us when it comes to promoting a healthy and satisfying intimate life.

It creates patterns in our lifestyle that deplete us of our life energy and therefore our zest for life. Our radiance and our vitality.

In other words, it kicks our libido in the teeth. If we have no life force, it is very challenging to drum up energy for a satisfying and passionate love life. 

5 Culprits of Low Desire…

Exhaustion

Well, it’s not surprising that if we are tackling all the world’s problems that we’d be exhausted at the end of the day. Also, the overachievers, multitaskers and overdoers run out of time to tackle their super aggressive agenda, so they cut into their sleep time to compensate.

Not to mention that if they are women, they are probably the one waking up more in the middle of the night with little ones, especially if they are nursing. Yeah, fun times!

This state messes with patience, bandwidth, mood, outlook, body image, appetite, libido… Not only are you too tired to do it, you also have no interest…

And, if you are a woman and somehow got over this hump, then you run into not being able to turn your brain/ruminating off… You can’t get in the mood and your female physiology doesn’t cooperate to boot. And, this is only culprit #1 on this list!

Domesticity

Once we move in together, and even more so once children come along, the focus of the relationship changes to creating a life together. The focus becomes on the domestic. Before, it was about sharing, now is about managing.

There is Being in sharing… But, there is a lot of doing in managing when tackled as a big long *a—s to-do list… This in and of itself is terrible as not only does this contribute to the exhaustion, but our awesome Self is not showing when we are in doing mode…

And, as if that’s not bad enough, when we don our Domestic hat, and live in our husband/wife and father/mother roles, we mute the person, the essence of ourselves – the male/female energy in the relationship…

The roles are not interested in intimacy. They are all about duty, responsibility, and such. They are the antithesis of intimacy. Unless you look at intimacy as duty! A different topic.

I’m sure you are familiar with how fast the mood/moment changes when your baby cries, or one of the children comes to your door, or into your bed!

Expectations

It gets better. Add to the above all the junkie thoughts you allow to rent space in your head. And, I am not referring to just your unfinished to do list, brainstorms about a project, thinking about a problem or concern, the big presentation tomorrow, or worrying about whatever you worry about.

I’m referring to thoughts of your own inadequacy and misguided expectations about your partner, your intimacy and the relationship as a whole. You can be downright mean to yourself and your partner in that head of yours.

You might have thoughts of what sucky lovers you might each be, how gross your bodies might be, how disappointing as partners you might each be, etc…

You might even have thoughts micromanaging your partner’s love making. Or, about how much pleasure you should have or how you are supposed to get there.

We can be our own worst enemy in all areas of our life!

Enmeshment

This is a tricky one because it’s not as obvious as the others. It refers to how close the partners are… I’m sure you have friends or know people, or this might even be you, that do everything with their partner. And, they think this is a good thing. They call each other best friends.

They know everything about each other and every moment of their day. They are in constant contact. They only have couple friends and look down on single people. All their activities are family and kid related. They don’t leave their kids with others.

They don’t take couple vacations, never mind trips without their partner. You get my drift.

This might sound idyllic to partners who feel distance and disconnection from their partner. But, these enmeshed partners are not better off. Their supposedly closeness picks up too much of a friendship vibe…

They are too close, too together for mystery, interest, and desire to spark. The male and female energy necessary for attraction and passion gets muted…

Yikes! These are the partners that are the most surprised to discover a possible affair.

Boredom

And, here is where it gets fun. The easiest way to kill the human spirit (and desire and intimacy!) is through boredom. We are meant for variety, exploration, curiosity, adventure, feeling Alive…

When our lives are monotonous, too safe, without meaning or purpose, and the like we lose oomph. We don’t have a fire in our belly, drive, hunger… There is no aliveness. There is no mysticism.

To make matters worse, this carries into the actual relationship – it’s just there. It’s taken for granted. It’s expected to last a lifetime without nourishment… As we very well know anything that is neglected withers, breaks down and dies.

This is true for a garden, a car, health, finances, and anything you can think of. If the relationship doesn’t get attention it doesn’t exist, it’s just a contract, an agreement… How fun is that? Never mind radiant…

And, then add a boring bedroom life for good measure. If you get to the lovemaking the same way all the time and do the same things all the time, where is the curiosity, the enticement, the anticipation, the draw, the eagerness, the yearning, the build-up…? That is if you even get to intimacy…

For you see our intimacy is driven by our brain which needs proper stimulation…

And, you wonder what happened to your intimacy? The answer is: Plenty!

3 Love Hack Practices

Listen to the podcast for solutions to each of the culprits… And, for more on these 3 Top Practices to keep you in alignment for a radiant love life.

Exquisite Connection

Focus on properly and generously showing up to your relationship… Bring the attunement, bring the presence, bring the aligned and meaningful interactions.

Golden Sex Rule

Cover your basic intimacy quota… Yes, schedule sex so at least you have the minimum intimacy covered to stay in the flow with each other. You can have all the additional sex you like… 

Consciously Date Your Partner

Bring it on. Have your dates as if you just met, or recently started dating… Bring your essence. Bring the woo. Bring the swag.

Having an amazing, radiant, and successful relationship, and a hot love life, doesn’t happen by accident. You need to be intentional about protecting your energy and properly aligning with your partner. Synchronize and the universe is the limit…

Hope this information serves you and helps you get on the path to your Successful Relationship and Meaningful Life.

Episode Transcript

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Mentioned Inside And More

FREE 1-Pg Downloadable: Relationship Nourishing Verbs Game

FREE 1-Pg Downloadable: How to Date Your Partner

Episode: Keeping the Love and Spark Alive

Episode: Libido Differences, Rekindling Desire, Sexual Satisfaction

Episode: Creating More Harmony and Passion in Your Relationship

Blog Post: Low Desire and Lack of Intimacy Epidemic

Blog Post: 5 Culprits to Low Intimacy

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