It’s been in the air, that partners, especially women, are really feeling disconnected and unsettled in their relationship. They are getting more and more in touch with feeling like something is missing, that there could be more, that just sitting side by side binge watching Netflix while their partner is also on another device, is just not enough to feel emotionally and relationally satisfied with their partner… This is a wonderful awareness because it can be addressed… As opposed to feeling irritated and aggravated a lot of the time in the presence of their partner. No matter what their partner does, they find fault with it or it doesn’t satisfy… Even their partner’s breathing irks them- literally! Does your partner snore?
Couples don’t need to be fighting or thinking divorce for them to realize that their relationship can use some enrichment… That their relationship can use an upgrade, an upleveling… But of course, they can also be struggling.
Couples get into trouble when they approach their relationship from fear, from ego, from arrogance… Usually one of the partners feels like they do everything for the relationship and their life, and like their partner is the problem- they can’t even breathe properly! And, that they could be doing more…
This is exactly the mindset that creates funky dynamics and that keeps couples feeling stuck or from creating a radiant relationship… When one of the partners is feeling so disconnected, neglected, taken from granted, and the like, they go into control, micromanaging, demanding, critical, and even nasty mode… This makes their partner feel unappreciated, devalued, controlled, small, insignificant, and the like. Which makes them shut down even more and become emotionally, and even physically unavailable. Which in turns triggers the other some more… And so the cycle, loop, dynamic, repeating patterns go…
It is usually the woman who feels the disconnect more and starts this cycle… Of course, it can be said that the man started by not showing up emotionally in the first place… But we have to plant the flag somewhere and it is easier to see it when we observe what is being done, versus what isn’t.
*Now, I said “usually” but the reverse is also true, and I used the genders for simplicity’s sake but please replace them as it fits your relationship. Just know that regardless of gender, the polarities still exist in the relationship in terms of feminine or masculine energy that creates the attraction between the two (both have both but lean more into one). If the binary language is offensive to you, you can translate this further and just suffice to say that there are different energies with opposing needs, they don’t need to be labeled…
The partners keep triggering each other with their relationship overfunctioning (pursuing) and relationship underfunctioning (distancing).
Once the partners pause and recognize that they are dissatisfied and constantly triggering each other, they can now become proactive about creating change in their relationship…
It is super helpful to shift how things are being interpreted- a lot of times the partners assume the worst, feel it’s totally hopeless, and feel like calling it quits. They throw up the baby with the bath water!
When what is needed is different perspective, realignment, and approach:
~ Embrace a Heart-Centered Approach – Move down from the head, logic, ego and fear driven overanalyzing, interpreting, assuming, and knowing best and knowing it all… Move down to the heart and see and feel the blessings, beauty, joy, gratitude, ease, flow, appreciation, love… Cultivate this, expand it… Fill your heart, enlarge your heart. Connect with your sacred heart…
~ Embrace a Higher Estate – When you connect with your heart and lead from your heart life and your relationship become infinitesimally easier… Connect with compassion and unconditional love… Your partner is not perfect, as you are not… Your partner is also on a Journey, as are you… Have some grace for your experiences and really partner up in your great life adventure…
~ Embrace a Higher Living – When you realign as we are saying here, you are automatically in a different reality! Things play out differently, work out better, easier, and smoother for the highest good of all. Life and your relationship become a dream come true… It is not that difficult to become your best self, create your best relationship, and your best life as the end of the day…
Ok, so this is all well and good in concept and philosophically you may be thinking, and asking what that means for the everyday.
Now that I shared the perspective shift for you to embrace, that creates a major shift in and of itself by the way… Let me bring it down to the clinical and practical so you can hang your hat somewhere.
The dynamics get created because of our programming, patterning and conditioning… This is why we address this a lot… We want to deprogram ourselves to get out of the box and into a more authentic, expansive, and loving relationship…
Real down to earth and tangible practices help with this:
*I’ve written about these extensively in the blog and have done some videos as well – feel free to search for selflove practice, connection, reprogramming and the like for more. Though the concepts are not always fully expounded and contextualized know that everything I offer, even the fun and silly things like creating seasonal bucket lists and 30-day challenges, serve a higher purpose and good of all…
~ Self-Love Practice – This practice addresses your inner-child… Meets your needs, nourishes and resources you, and heals you…
~ Partner-Love Practice – This practice addresses your shadows (unknown, hidden, disowned parts of you)… Meets your partner’s needs, delights and resources your partner, and evolves you…
There is so much possibility, gifts, and blessings in there you can play there for eternity. Embrace them as a way of life… Like I like to say, embrace a Relationship Enrichment Lifestyle….
And, for a bonus practice for today that is totally embodied and relational and in real time- CoRegulation:
~ Coregulation Practice – This is a way to use ourselves in the moment to have our partner’s back, each other’s back… It utilizes our nervous system to resonate with our partner’s to influence each other’s estate. When we are resourced and intentional, we can stay calm, grounded, and available in the face of our partner’s reactivity which in turn helps them calm down, get grounded and soothed… It helps as a calming agent and connecting mechanism in times of distress (and other times as well!). This is a great practice when and for addressing triggers, pain, and stress.
Show up with warmth, calming presence and tone of voice, attunement, eye contact
Provide verbal acknowledgement of the other’s distress and experience, put words to it
Offer deep breathing or synchronizing breaths, eye contact or eye gazing, and gentle reassuring caring touch (don’t force hugs!)
When partner’s meet their own and each other’s needs, they heal and grow… And change their stuck repeating patterns… They deprogram…
Embracing a coregulation practice is a super loving way to be in relationship and to deepen your connection. Now this addresses what feels like missing in your relationship, and helps with building that connection you crave… Now that’s partnership, cocreation, and Love!
PSS: Do you need support taking yourself, your relationship, and your life to the next level- actually living a healthy, happy, harmonious and overall abundant life?
Copyright (c) 2024 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication? Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Couple Strategy™ that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly connection notes in your inbox with Personal Development and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
It’s interesting that we can be in a relationship, in a marriage, and still feel lonely. Hey, we can be in a room full of people and still feel lonely. This is because the opposite of feeling lonely is feeling connected… You can be surrounded by people or spend all day with your partner and still not feel connected… This is because connection doesn’t just happen through mere physical proximity. Connection happens when we are present and engaged… You can stop feeling disconnected and lonely in your relationship.
~ The key is to fully show up, not just with our bodies but with all of ourselves. With our Best Self, with our Higher Self… For if we show up with an empty shell, there is nobody home for our partner to connect with…
~ And, if we show up with other versions of ourselves, with our victim or lower self, then we are not very attractive to connect with. We are actually repulsive… Our partner is likely to shy away or shut down in the presence of this…
If we are feeling lonely and disconnected, we have to check-in with ourselves and assess how we are showing up…
And please don’t lie to yourself… I see this all the time with our couples… Be honest, are you truly showing up with your best self, accepting, compassionate, and loving, or are you hiding resentment, judgement, and contempt?
But I get that sometimes it’s challenging to be present and available. To be vulnerable. To be curious, understanding and accepting. To give grace. To be forgiving. We might be depleted and not even available to ourselves…
So not feeling lonely and feeling connected has to do with connecting with ourselves first… Then we can turn to connecting with others and having meaningful connections…
In today’s video, I cover Element 4 of the Successful Relationship Strategy™, which is all about increasing connection, intimacy, and fun in your relationship, and I show you how to go about creating connection… Check it out!
PSS: Do you need support taking yourself, your relationship, and your life to the next level- actually living a healthy, happy, harmonious and overall abundant life?
Copyright (c) 2023 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication? Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Couple Strategy™ that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly connection notes in your inbox with Personal Development and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
Did you know that your relationship is actually happening inside your head vs out there in the world? Your relationship is what you make of it, how you choose to look at it, how you choose to look at your partner, and how you choose to show up and respond to them… You are super powerful in creating the relationship you want, only if you own your power… And, owning your power doesn’t mean giving ultimatums, digging your heals in, flexing your muscles, and being stubborn about what you want or spiteful and vengeful… These are completely the opposite of owning your power… Don’t take the low-road. Take the high-road if you want to create a successful relationship…
When we resort to interaction tactics that are less than loving, we are undermining our connection, our bond, our love…
Operating in your relationship as if you have to win a federal case, and treating your partner as the enemy, someone you have to win, beat or make wrong, does not serve the goal of creating a successful relationship…
~ Fighting for your partner to acquiesce to your wishes, to do as you desire, and to agree with you does not empower you as you might believe it does…
~ Fighting to be seen, acknowledged, and appreciated by your partner is not the solution to being respected and valued…
~ Fighting to get an apology, accountability, or support doesn’t put your partner on your side…
When we try to control how our partner is, how they see us, what they believe, think, feel, and do, we are putting our energy in the wrong place… We have no power over our partner… When we try to exert power like this over them, we are actually disempowering them and ourselves… For we have power over ourselves only and from this place we can impact and influence…
If we force it, we can break it…
If we force our partner into things, by them going along they betray themselves and in so doing harm comes to the relationship in the long run…
We don’t get a gold medal for manipulating, controlling, intimidating, and overpowering our partner… This is a very low-road approach to our interactions and relationship that doesn’t feel good to either partner at the end of the day… This is operating from the lower-self that is symptomatic, riddled with fear, has very limiting believes, and low emotional intelligence and resilience…
The lower-self operates from ego-patterns and defenses. This is just a state. Partners can choose to how they operate. They can choose to operate from a different state and show up with their higher-self instead. They can choose to not show up with low-road tactics, or engage in them if their partner is using them…
Our partner can’t fight on their own. It takes two to fight…
We can choose not to engage in nonsense and approach our partner from a more empowered state. One of neutrality, respect, calm, openness, flexibility, care, compassion, understanding and such… Any interaction or situation can be diffused with these…
When we use these skills and strengths, honor the commitment and love we have for our partner, and treat them with the due respect that their role as our Partner garners, we see our partner step up to what that position entails…
If we treat our partner with less than that, how can we expect them to treat us any differently? We can’t wait for our partner to go first- then everyone is waiting. We have to take the high-road, plant a flag, be the bigger person and go first… Your partner will follow suit, I promise… This is how powerful you are. This is how much you can impact and influence your relationship…
Don’t let the scripts, stories, assumptions and the rest of the noise running in your head, determine the success of your relationship… When you do, your experience gets colored, and you find a way to prove yourself right… This is the confirmation bias we are prone to… This does not serve us in creating our successful relationship. This does serve us in getting divorced if we are ok going down that path…
Don’t get tripped up by letting your ego run the show. Do allow your heart to lead the way. You’ll be surprised at how fast things can turn around…
When you allow yourself this right, and don’t shoot yourself on the foot, you’ll notice that there is a reason for your union. You complement each other with your oppositeness. You create a richer experience, a more fertile ground to practice your humanness… You get to experiment and play at the game of life together. You get to win that!
This approach is how you tap into your inherent relationship synergy, how you evolve, and how you have a huge impact in creating your successful relationship and meaningful life…
PSS: Do you need support taking yourself, your relationship, and your life to the next level- actually living a healthy, happy, harmonious and overall abundant life?
Copyright (c) 2023 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication? Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Couple Strategy™ that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly connection notes in your inbox with Personal Development and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
Romantic relationships require different things at different stages… Most people are not aware of these stages and even less that what the relationship needs evolve. Additionally, the partners have different needs themselves as the relationship progresses and as life unfolds… To treat all of this as a static phenomenon is highly ineffective and dissatisfying in all. Give yourself and your relationship the right kind of attention.
In a nutshell, there are 3 stages of relationship according to Harville Hendrix and Hellen Hunt’s Getting the Love You Want:
~ The Infatuation Stage ~ The Power-Struggle Stage ~ The Conscious Stage
In each of these stages, the partners experience each other very differently, and how they choose to show up and invest in the relationship determines its success…
Some partners are naturals at being in relationship and hardly notice that they are investing in its success. They just invest in their relationship, their partner and their love.
Yet others, consider relationships an enigma. They struggle finding a partner, keeping a partner, and/or creating a radiant and successful relationship.
Of course, most people and most relationships fall somewhere in the middle of that range.
Regardless, they all go through at least the first two stages to varying degrees…
STAGE 1: The Infatuation Stage
In this stage, the partners meet and they fall in love. They are attracted to each other because a there is a sense of familiarity and comfort about each other…
This is when they show up with their social mask, showing what they believe to be socially acceptable, how they believe they should be in a romantic relationship, and what the other might want… They show up with their best foot forward, they do all the nice things, and give all the time and attention…
This is where the Love Cocktail starts coursing through the body, that makes the partners want to spend as much time with each other as possible, can’t but think of each other, have a hard time sleeping and eating, and experience other disruptions to life as they know it… Though it feels amazing, this natural high is not sustainable…
Eventually the partners need to get back to regular life, and they want to share that with their newfound blessing. So, they make a higher level of commitment.
They decide to be exclusive, then to move in together or get engaged, then possibly get married.
Depending on the nature of the partners and what they’ve created so far, each higher level of commitment can be triggering…
STAGE 2: The Power-Struggle Stage
Once the partners start making higher levels of commitment, that’s when they enter, and revisit, the power-struggle stage. The higher level of commitment invites them into a twilight-zone of sorts.
Where they feel so comfortable and familiar with their significant other, that the unconscious mind gets a little tripped up. It can no longer experience their partner as this other person that they love, but rather experiences them as an aggregate of their own caretakers growing up…
Any unresolved issues, wounds, sensitivities, internalized messages and believes, and such are part of this equation…
So, when the partners are trying to create their new life together, they both want to make sure past hurts, disappointments, frustrations, and limitations don’t repeat themselves…
They are both on the lookout to get their own needs and preferences met… Which are usually in conflict, they are seemingly in opposition, because of the nature of the attraction in the first place! Have you heard that opposites attract? Exactly.
This creates the power-struggle… They partners get stuck trying to be seen, heard, valued, appreciated, and getting whatever else they need above all else. Otherwise, they experience a sense of existential death… As this is too painful, the partners keep looking out for themselves first…
They might not even be aware of this- even those that “sacrifice themselves” are still doing it for themselves… Ouch!
At this point the relationship can be so painful, that it might not make it. Sometimes the partners figure it out enough that they minimize the pain making it tolerable to stay. They still struggle though, and question the relationship and the partnership from time to time…
Then there are others, that decide they want to have a radiant and successful relationship and that are willing to put in what it takes to make it happen. Yay!
STAGE 3: The Conscious Stage
As soon as that decision is made, the couple enters the conscious stage. They now know that their relationship, its status, and its flavor is a choice.
With this comes a sense of freedom and empowerment, for then the partners can create anything they want…
Investing in learning more about the nature of their power-struggle, how they loop and recreate dissatisfying patterns, is key. For understanding what is driving their dynamics helps them be proactive at addressing the root causes, healing and reprogramming as needed.
It is a gorgeous and satisfying investment that creates a deeper and more meaningful connection between the partners. This is the first step in creating their epic love affair. Bringing intentionality into their interactions, their lifestyle, and their collaboration in a magnificent culmination of the expression of their love.
What’s needed at each stage
As with anything for something to thrive it requires tending…
The Infatuation Stage – To enjoy dating and progressing to seeing each other and then to going steady (like that language? LOL), the key is to show up as authentic as possible… This is the time to be open, vulnerable, and passionate. Show all of you the best you can. This doesn’t mean sharing your darkest secrets, fears, and tribulations on the first couple of dates…
Get a sense for each other first. Then you can share your history more in depth… Without knowing your heart, your details might be scary to the other… In context and with your essence anything is surmountable… Keep it light and fun, but super authentic.
The Power-Struggle Stage – Once you start moving into more serious territory, you will find that you will start to experience conflict. Such is life. This is the beginning of the power-struggle. So don’t get too serious too quick. Learn each other a little more before you jump in with two feet. Once you start experiencing conflict, know that this is actually a wonderful thing…
Conflict is happening for you (so you can continue to evolve), is not happening to you… Recognize your pattern in there if you can (or get help!), and bring a ton of compassion for yourself and the other person. Armed with curiosity, resilience, and compassion you can start creating a conscious relationship…
The Conscious Stage – Just making the choice to address your patterns, makes you a conscious person. Woot! Bring this understanding to your relationship. Share what triggers you without blaming the other, without making them responsible or wrong, without putting pressure on them. It’s not their job not to trigger you.
In a more committed relationship being intentional at not triggering each other and compassionately addressing triggers when they do happen is how you create a sustainable and wonderful relationship.
And, working at meeting your own and your partner’s needs on a consistent basis is how you heal and reprogram yourselves making you less triggerable in the first place.
At each stage there is a specific focus that when tended guarantees more harmony, peace, joy and love in your life.
Wishing you all the joy, connection and love today and always…
With Much Love & Light!
PS: Do you need support taking yourself, your relationship, and your life to the next level- actually living a healthy, happy, harmonious and overall abundant life?
Copyright (c) 2023 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication? Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Couple Strategy™ that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly connection notes in your inbox with Personal Development and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
Often times partners don’t know how to nurture their relationship… They are at a loss for how to show love, how to create connection, how to sustain and deepen connection. But though challenging, stimulating and ever so rewarding, creating the relationship we desire doesn’t have to be difficult. In fact, it can be quite simple… The key is to action love… We know that love is a feeling and a noun, but we might forget that it is also a verb…
We have to show up with our love in our thoughts, in our choices and decisions, in our speech, in our responses, and in our actions and habits. And, of course we have to invest in doing loving and nurturing gestures.
Our lives are so hectic that when we look at this it might feel like a lot of work… You might find yourself thinking, Who has the time to put in this much into a relationship?
The thing is, this is the wrong way to look at things. Nurturing and enriching our relationship is not work. This is the tending and watering it needs to flourish…
It’s funny how we have all of our maintenance schedules to run our lives- like oil changes, teeth cleaning, replacing filters and such, but we consider giving our partner attention and love “work”, too much effort, and too time consuming… Talk about having our priorities backwards and a messed-up mindset!
Loving Thoughts, Choices, and Decisions
By now, I’m sure you know that we are electro-magnetic individuals, spirit beings living in a human body… This simply means that we are actually primarily energy, beyond the meat suit or bag of bones we observe…
This also means, that as energetic beings we are impacted by energy and impact with energy. And, this means that the electric current generated by our nervous system, impacts our heart beat, which in turn impacts the magnetic field generated by our heart… Then, this field in turn impacts everything around us and beyond…
Getting to the point, all this means that what you think, creates a current in your brain that has a cascading effect to manifest your relationship and your life.
Your thoughts, generate feelings and your estate. You can choose how you look at something, what meaning you assign it, how you interpret it, what you make of it… You can choose to have loving and understanding thoughts, and give grace and compassion, or you can choose to pass judgement and blame, and to criticize and control…
You can make decisions that are considerate, thoughtful, generous, nurturing… You can choose what kind of partner you want to be and show up with your Loving Self…
Loving Speech and Responses
It is hard for us to have wonderful and productive conversations if we don’t use our communication tools and skills, if we go in with a messy mindset, and if we are trying to win and be right. We can have much better conversations when we show up with love and compassion. When we try to understand the other not make them wrong…
We get much further, increase connection and intimacy when we are mindful of how we show up to interactions, how we choose to address things, and how we choose to respond.
I know it’s more difficult to do when we are triggered, or get triggered mid interaction, but this is where the tools and skills come in to mitigate and support you in doing all this much better.
There is never a good reason to just let our partner have it. Or to unleash our wrath on them. Or to go for the jugular. Why on earth would we want to treat the most important person in our lives, our Life Partner, this way? It truly makes no sense…
Even when they have done something wrong, hurtful and the like. It still behooves us to show up with our Best Self, so we can properly address the wrongdoing, our feelings and our needs…
Nothing good ever comes from adding insult to injury… If we are triggered, then we soothe and take care of ourselves first, then we properly and effectively address the thing… Everybody wins…
Loving Actions and Habits
As you might be able to infer, when we operate from a higher estate, when we take the high-road, life is truly much easier and more magnificent… This allows us to stay operate from our Higher Self, our Loving Self, our True Essence… No longer from our little, victim, symptomatic, ego driven self… This is massive!
When we choose to flow from our awesomeness, all the relationship work is fun, exciting, rewarding, easy, desired… It is no longer “work”, it is just being in a relationship and playing with our partner…
From this place is easy to be nice, to do loving behaviors, to show up warmly, to be supportive, to do things for our partner, to build in Connection Habits. To prioritize the relationship and our partner.
This is where we show our partner that they are important to us and we value them…
Lovingness and Nurturing Gestures
And then we get to step it up! Then we truly Action Love… Then we sprinkle all the nice gestures, we woo, we flirt, we date, we play, we spoil, we cherish and so on…
This is where we create the brand of us. This is what makes us special. This is where we treat our partner us our King or Queen. This is where we go all out. This is where we show up with our love and Being Love…
For then, everything we say or do comes from love and is loving…
Wishing you all the joy, connection and love today and always…
With Much Love & Light!
PS: Do you need support taking yourself, your relationship, and your life to the next level- actually living a healthy, happy, harmonious and overall abundant life?
Copyright (c) 2023 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication? Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Couple Strategy™ that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly connection notes in your inbox with Personal Development and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
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Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT has been in the mental health profession in varying capacities for the past 20+ years. She is the Founder and Director of metrorelationship.com a psychotherapy and coaching practice specializing in working with busy professional and entrepreneurial couples who are struggling getting on the same page and feeling connected. The work helps couples create a radiant and successful relationship and meaningful life by becoming a strong partnership and increasing their connection, intimacy, and fun. Emma is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Relationship Strategy™.
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