Because things are challenging it doesn’t mean we have to lose our s*t. This is the most important aspect of managing the current crisis. That is, to manage how we choose to process information and how we choose to look at the facts. How well are we able to separate the facts from the stories we tell ourselves about the facts… We are really good at taking ourselves on rides…
When we allow our thoughts to get the best of us, we flood our bandwidth with noise, we get whirly, we trigger ourselves, we cut off access to our higher thinking and problem solving capabilities and creativity, we don’t see the opportunities and the good in front of us. And, there is always good…, no matter what!
If we allow ourselves to get nutty, and allow the above to get the best of us, how are we to make good decisions, not react (different from respond), stay resourceful, take care of ourselves, stay healthy and embrace wellness, take good care of our kids, show up for our partner, see the opportunities to serve and help, become an innovator. Get my drift?
And, when we are all twisted up inside our head, we feel all twisted up, and then we act all twisted up. How is that for clinical language? LOL
When we are all twisted up, this is how you may show up in your relationship:
WARNING – this might look normal to you… But these are not qualities of a Successful Relationship and that’s why you are struggling…
Mindset
You complain about how your partner is doing themselves, the choices they make, how they show up, and how they contribute
You might pick at them, put them down, criticize, undermine, undo and the like whatever efforts they are putting in
You might not even see what they contribute, choosing to look at everything as an issue or it being done wrong
You might feel compelled to tell them how they need to think, feel and show up
Communication
You want to talk and address things even if they don’t want to, regardless that you might be triggered or it might not be the right time
You go into a conversation making your partner wrong, blaming, putting down and the like
You think you are right and go in with your gloves off, because you are upset you think it’s OK to throw out all skills, tools and civility
You don’t see, own or acknowledge your part in it, never mind apologize
Dynamics
You respond the same way to situations and try to solve them the same way, even if that didn’t work before; and the focus is to prove your point, meet your own needs, and get your way
You lose sight of the fact that your partner is also human and imperfect, and on their own Journey
You expect your partner to anticipate your needs, meet all your needs, know what’s up and address things as if they were you or an extension of you
Connection
You give your partner love the way you like to receive love, have no clue that they might want something differently
You expect your partner to want to do everything you want to do, when and how you want to
You want your partner to be there when you need and want them to, regardless of if they are able to
You want to spend a lot more time with your partner than they want to spend with you, and you take this personally or fight it
You assume your partner is not attracted to you or interested in being intimate so don’t even attempt any physical closeness; or, you assume your partner only wants one thing and is not really interested in you or respect you otherwise
Partnership
You take on the brunt of the homemaking and joint life responsibilities (regardless of whatever good reason you think you have for this…) and become resentful about it and negative, whiney, passive aggressive, controlling and all kinds of not so awesomeness about it…
You create a chaotic or military like home and complain your children are out of control (all other things happen with the children as well)
Your home life feels overwhelming, exhausting, stifling, burdensome, irritating, joyless
Your partner has all kinds of reasons for not being home, and if they are home they don’t feel like they are home…
What do these mean? They indicate poor self-management, unresolved issues, lack of sills and tools, and more… Poor:
Mindset, expectations, personal ownership and sovereignty, and boundaries [Context/Mindset]
Communication, conflict resolution and repair [Communication/Alignment]
Understanding of self, drivers, needs, defense mechanisms [Clarity/Dynamics]
Know-how on connecting, sustaining connection, receiving and giving love, being emotionally and physically intimate, having fun together (couple fun, not just family fun…) [Connection/Intimacy]
Habits, routines, plans, resources, structures and systems [Collaboration/Partnership]
So, if you are not satisfied in your relationship (which you will be at some point or another in its lifespan – that’s just the way it is) and you are experiencing pain and aggravation, it doesn’t mean you have to endure it and suffer through it…
This is the time to be proactive, get attentive and invest in enriching and nurturing your relationship. This is the time to get support if what you’ve been trying hasn’t been working. Don’t wait till you do more damage! It’s hard to come back from severe damage, don’t become another statistic… It’s best to get on it early!
ASSIGNMENT: Take a hard look at your relationship and how you are showing up to it. Put yourself through the 5 Elements of the Successful Couple Strategy™ — Context, Communication, Clarity, Connection and Collaboration — and identify where you are not showing up with your Best Self… Note, if you need to:
Clean up how you look at things and learn how to set effective boundaries
Improve your communication and other interactive skills
Heal and address some unresolved issues and change your patterns
Learn how to Be with your partner
Put systems in place to create a collaborative environment and joyful home
Creating a Successful Relationship is not difficult, it just requires Commitment… We don’t want you curious or interested in creating a successful relationship. To have an amazing relationship you have to be Committed to making that happen. Just as with anything else in life…
Let’s rock your relationship. Let’s create your Successful Relationship – now is the time…
Learn how to do this with our upcoming Relationship Enrichment Bootcamp™ (REB)!
As you might already know, given the current crisis in NYS I felt compelled to rework the REB virtual event, scheduled for on April 4th, to make it more accessible not only financially but also practically:
I’m condensing the whole experience into a 1.5-hour presentation
It’ll have a replay, downloadable material, and all the other perks
(You’ll get an account and access on our Member Site as if you were purchasing the event!)
If you are struggling, why keep white-knuckling it? Support is here now and very accessible. Please take advantage of this opportunity. See you inside!
Complete the Assignment, and share your takeaway, insights, and results with a note in the Comments box at the end! I’d love to hear how you are using this content.
Happy Enriching!
Copyright (c) 2020 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
Yep, it’s official. We, NYS, have received the “Major Disaster Declaration”. These are tough times. How are you making out as this crisis continues to ravage our area and the world?
It is imperative that we are extremely proactive in helping not spread the virus and that we are extremely proactive on how we set ourselves up to weather this storm…
I strongly encourage you to read last week’s issue for the mindset and strategies for not only surviving but thriving during this terrible time. It’s on our Blog: 9 Tactics for weathering your quarantine
I know that when our immediate surroundings and everyday life are thrown into a tizzy and our very security, safety and even survival are threatened, that it makes sense to feel a bit freaked out. To feel panic. To feel overwhelmed, anxious and whirly. To feel desperate. To feel powerless and paralyzed. To feel discouraged and hopeless. To feel devastated.
You might feel some or all of these feelings. You might cycle through them. You might still be in denial or resistance or you might be in shock and these feelings haven’t kicked in yet. Please know they will, and they are totally normal. These are uncertain and scary times. It makes sense they affect how you feel…
But this is not an out of jail free card in that because you are impacted you let yourself and your stuff go. You let your feels take over and derail you… You allow yourself to sink down. You put your life and what’s important to you on hold, or just down right neglect it… You give up your self-agency. You let the wind blow you around… This makes things worse for yourself and your life… Don’t do this!
As the infection is ramping up in the states and we expect a longer-term impact, it behooves us to be mindful of building emotional resilience, mental spaciousness and bandwidth, and physical stamina:
1) Police your thoughts: Become vigilant of what kind of thoughts you allow yourself to have, to rent space in your head and to take you on a ride…. Watch out for apocalyptic, doomsday, major disaster, financial depression, and the like thinking that just trigger more panic, paralyzes and survival-mode.
Yes, we live in dire times, but tapping into compassion, gratitude, creativity and problem solving mitigates this… We don’t have to feel like crap!
2) Honor your feelings: Do feel your feelings, acknowledge them, and learn from them. They tell you what kind of thinking you are having and how you are able to cope. They serve as informants for how to better manage yourself. Feel your feelings. Heed them. And, take care of what they suggest – clean your thinking and be proactive about properly taking care of yourself…
3) Become super conscientious: Move your thinking from drama, fatality, reactivity and such to thinking outside the box and resourcefulness… Any obstacle you encounter, think on how you can get around it. Whatever issue you face, find a creative solution for it. Stay ahead of what’s coming.
Not by overreacting and being an alarmist, but by accessing your higher-level thinking and intuiting what will be needed, what will be impacted and how to respond conscientiously and industriously. Be proactive. Be responsive. Be intentional. Be progressive.
4) Transcend the noise: Now is the time to become aggressive about streamlining, simplifying and minimizing everything in our life. We live such a life of excess, in all areas of our life… From how much stuff we buy, including food and toilet paper (ha!), to how much we do, to how much entertainment we need… It is not uncommon for people to not be able to be alone and in quiet, to be with themselves, to entertain themselves…
To require constant engagement and stimulation. I say there is an opportunity for growth here with the imposed Social Distancing and Quarantining… If you can’t go outside, go inside… Here is where Juice is anyway… BE with what is and Transcend the crisis… Then operate from an Inspired state…
5) Practice health, wellness and self-care: Now is more important than ever to ensure our physical health. It goes without saying to minimize exposure! If you are usually pretty mindful of your health and wellness habits, make sure you stay the course. Don’t let the upheaval throw you off.
Tweak your routine and details of your practice as needed, but make sure you do right by yourself. If you have been slacking on your health and wellness, and self-care practice, Dude, what are you waiting for? Now, is the time to step up your game. You can use this as a new area of focus to keep yourself engaged and stimulated…
It is important that we pay attention to what gets triggered for us, how we like to cope, and what defense mechanisms we use…
All kinds of things get triggered in disaster or crisis situations – trauma, lack and scarcity, abandonment and aloneness, unworthiness, survival and existentialism, visibility, guilt, anger, etc.
We might turn to self-soothing with more consumption like any and all kinds of shopping, eating, drinking, using substances and other kind of indulgent or reactive behavior.
We might become more dramatic, needy, naggy, controlling, emotional, reactive, shutdown, withdrawn, absent, unfeeling, uncaring, callous, impatient, intolerant, self-righteous, etc.
The more we exercise personal awareness, the more we can be proactive about putting in place structures, systems, routines, practices, rituals and the like to help us better manage ourselves. This ensures we inoculate our physical and mental health, so we are better prepared to withstand the onslaught of this crisis.
It behooves us to be proactive in creating health and wellness. I say this is our number one priority as we weather this storm, for from this place we can handle the rest of it…
It is Mental Health Month after all… Yes, weird times we live in…
ASSIGNMENT: Take stock of how you are doing… Take a moment to gain more awareness about how you are really doing, what comes up for you, and how you usually deal.
Knowing who you are and how you do you, be proactive in putting in place what you need to prevent triggers, use positive and healthy coping tactics, and prevent your defense mechanisms.
Please know that your indulging and negative coping tactics and defense mechanisms make things worse. These creating vicious negative cycles that are more difficult to address when they go unchecked… These will impact your overall health and wellness and the rest of your life from your work to your marriage.
Be proactive and intentional about how you do you…
Let’s be super intentional, proactive and progressive. Let’s take care of ourselves properly to minimize how sideways our lives can go. Life it was well said in Pretty Woman, Take care of you.
AND, IF THIS RESONATES… Now might be the perfect time to strengthen your relationship. To learn new skills, tools and tactics to be preventative and proactive in reducing stress and creating resiliency in your home…
This is great way to spend time with your partner in a fun, productive and super conscientious way, and from the safety of your own home… LOL
In a nutshell, informally and in dynamic Emma style, I’ll teach you:
1 ~ How to get unstuck & break your impasse –> Context / Mindset work for setting effective boundaries, personal ownership, personal empowerment
2 ~ How to improve your communication & easily get on the same page –> Communication / Alignment work for deescalating fights, resolving conflict, detailed communication protocols
3 ~ How to change your patterns, get your needs met, & resolve recurring issues –> Clarity / Dynamics work for self-healing and growing, self-reprogramming, self-regulating
4 ~ How to increase your connection, intimacy & fun –> Connection / Intimacy work for feeling connected, rekindling desire, dating and enjoying each other
5 ~ How to create a strong partnership & a peaceful and joyful home –> Collaboration / Partnership work for synchronizing, sharing the load, creating your dream home, relationship and life
This is really a not to miss event. You get a whole process in one day… Plus targeted tactics to easily implement for immediate results. Can’t beat it!
A couple of things to note:
You should both register for better access
There will be a replay for your future and ongoing reference
You can attend separately (on different devices/locations)
You can attend individually (if one is not available)
There is no interaction with others, you only participate by posting comments or questions if you like
Complete the Assignment, and share your takeaway, insights, and results with a note in the Comments box at the end! I’d love to hear how you are using this content.
Happy Well-Being!
Copyright (c) 2020 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
It is a crazy time in the world, and it behooves us to take care of ourselves well to properly weather this storm and come out as unscathed as possible after this is over. Let’s make smart decisions and set ourselves up to actually thrive. Yes? Let’s do this also!
The coronavirus pandemic is impacting every thread in the fabric of our lives from where and how we work, to how our kids are educated, to how much internet bandwidth we need, to what food we have available, to how we entertain ourselves. Even to how much toilet paper we have to wipe our butts. LOL (a little humor never hurts!)
How we initially choose to respond to this challenge will have a trickling effect in all areas of our lives. While we don’t want to overreact, be alarmists, and trigger panic, we do want to be responsible in all our actions and decisions.
It goes without saying that some behaviors and reactions are just not acceptable – like racial distancing, violent, illegal, and completely immature behaviors. There are some crazy arrest stories in the news. Seriously?
For those that have been lagging in taking this situation seriously because “you are not worried”, you are putting yourself and others at risk. You don’t have to believe this is a dire situation if you don’t want to. But why not be proactive and responsible, nonetheless. Just in case. There is nothing to lose in been precautious. The saying, better be safe than sorry came to be for a reason…
For example, I rarely come down with anything or get sick. Therefore, I’m not one to worry about getting sick. I can be exposed to sick people and not catch what they have (or at least not be symptomatic!). Yet, I moved all our in-person sessions online to protect clients from each other. Also, I could be a carrier and infect others and not even know it. So, I’m doing my part in reducing the chances of additional spread.
Thus, being proactive and responsible means: Self-quarantining at any indication of exposure or infection. It means avoiding unnecessary risks and practicing conscientious Social Distancing with respect and compassion. It means following all the guidelines presented by authorities, and where we believe they are lagging taking our own preventative actions.
We do have the whole world east of us exemplifying what to expect. We are smart, we can make our own inferences. We don’t have to wait for all planes to get grounded to cancel travel plans or for other govermental measures. It is our responsibility to enact personal agency and take proactive initiative for our own and others safety.
Once you are onboard with doing your part in the face of craziness, the next thing is to set yourself up to seamlessly weather the storm. I’ll even go as far as suggesting, to make the most of this situation and look for possible opportunities to enhance your and your loved ones’ lives in the end…
From Surviving to Thriving…
Setting up your family: With everybody in the family possibly being stuck at home for the next couple to few weeks, adjust your daily routine, home spaces and activities to account for all family members’ needs.
You might want to get up earlier to take care of chores and other responsibilities that would take longer to do with everyone underfoot. You might build in special lunch and snack times. You might want to tweak the night routine to still mark transition times but make them more soothing and attuned…
Working from home: When working from home coordinate work schedules and childcare coverage with other adults (partner, family member, friend, nanny/sitter – swap favors even…) to maximize productivity and great care. Don’t try to juggle both. This creates overwhelm, chaos, reactivity, acting out, anxiety, stress, and exhaustion…
Be flexible on how you tackle your “work hours”. Depending on the nature of your work, discuss with your supervisor a flexible plan to “put in your time” and get your work done that’s not necessarily the traditional 9-5.
If regular office hours presence is required, discuss covering the 9-5 in shifts by your teammates or coworkers and to have meetings scheduled during certain times of the day to allow for more flexibility for everyone. Other work can be completed off hours as needed.
Getting work done: Also, when working from home, protect your work time by allocating a workspace that’s free from distractions. If you live in close quarters get creative on how to create a reduced distraction space and time-chunks…
Of course tackle all the other practicalities – have supplies and everything you need in one place and organized, have passwords and access to all platforms and accounts handy, use online shared spaces/apps to collaborate, up your internet speed, upgrade your software as necessary, and have a backup system in place.
This will eliminate multitasking, lack of focus and frustrations helping manage stress and time wasters and increase productivity. You might get your work done quicker and actually free up time…
Kids schoolwork: Just like you are setting yourself up to be productive with work, you have to do the same for school age children. They might require different supervision during “schoolwork” time than during “free-time”. This is to be managed by the “covering” adult. Use your judgement on who covers what time during the days…
Also, set up children for cooperation. Explain that this is serious, and they are expected to cooperate, behave and be responsible for themselves and their work. This might be a good time to revisit your parenting style, how you discipline, guide/teach, support, encourage and inspire your children…
Be careful not to be too different from the usual as that’ll create more resistance and potential acting out. Keep things light, simple, and reassuring while providing guidelines and structure. Children do best when they know what’s expected and what’s going to happen. Layout the day in front of them to create security. Remember, they are affected by the upheaval too. Praise and celebrate cooperation.
Creating flow: Aside from managing routines and time, you can manage and use your space to flow through the day with more ease. Use different parts of your home (even if different corners of a room…) for different types of activities.
Designate rooms or spots for work, schoolwork, projects, fun and play, downtime and relaxation and such. This helps the brain get with the program and cooperate. This helps manage mood, focus, energy, etc.
Beyond the basics: Outside of responsibilities and doing the business of life, here is where things can get really amazing… This is where we can look for possibilities for great things to come from these tough times. The silver lining if you may. I see people bogging out about having to entertain children longer than usual. This is where we can be role models, inspire and help them thrive.
Aside from looking for more toys, games, crafts, TV shows and movies, and gaming apps, how about looking for opportunities for growth and development – this can range from learning how to play an instrument, explore a new language or culture, binge watch the science, history or documentary channels, focus on an interest, take on a new hobby, etc.
This can go as far as taking a talent or gift, such as music, art, writing, entrepreneurship, technology, debate, caring for others or anything else and creating a project of it. The project can be just for kicks or for higher accomplishment and impact. The sky is the limit. This is specially a great idea for middle and high schoolers. They can take something on and get consumed with it…
Enjoying connection: Another terrific benefit of this imposed togetherness is the togetherness… LOL We usually have such filled and hectic lives that we don’t slow down enough to Be with each other. With less extracurricular activities, commitments, events, travel, commuting, etc. We have more free time in our hands and more free time with each other.
I know this is scary for most… But this is a gem when done properly… Create specific times that are designated family and couple time regardless that you are all together all the time… The different designation implies different focus, energy, activities and such. This is how you’ll move from a blob of togetherness and potentially getting on each other’s nerves, to enjoying being with each other.
This also means, creating separate times to be individuals… Can’t be part of the whole all the time, it can get to be too much… Intentionally build this into the routine and honor it. This is for everyone…
Our daughter, Vanessa, is already amazing at carving out and protecting her NessyTime. She knows she needs down-alone-time and she’ll make sure she gets it. LOL
Your partner and relationship: And, of course, take advantage of the Couple Time… You’ll have a chance to connect differently than usual, seize the moment. Here you can explore common interests, different fun, deeper intimacy, more TLC, and more… This covers a whole spectrum of being with each other:
-From increasing fun by exploring interests like cooking different cuisines, learning new skills, exploring topics or concepts, taking on a new hobby or project, listening to influencers or fun podcasts, reading the same book, being playful and lighter.
-To nurturing the relationship with doing Appreciations, keeping a Positivity Journal, creating a Vision Board, stepping up caring gestures with your Love Languages, being super intentional about being present and attuned, flirting and increasing affection, ensuring moments to be intimate…
-To enriching the relationship by reading relationship success material, learning relationship tools and skills, working through any kinks and areas that usually trip you up, focusing on changing and upgrading how you show up to create the relationship you want…
~> Check-out our upcoming 1Day Virtual Event, the Relationship Enrichment Bootcamp™ (REB), on 4/4, where I delve into the 5 Elements of the Successful Couple Strategy™ and share specific tools, processes and protocols easy to implement but super powerful for creating the transformation in your relationship… Oh yeah, it’s a super-rich day! Don’t miss the bonuses and debut rates,learn more HERE.
Paramount Self-care:And, it goes without saying to not forget the self-care… It is imperative that you don’t forgo your usual self-care practice (tweak as necessary). And, if you don’t have one that you create one!
It doesn’t have to be an intense lineup of things you do. But do be mindful to create some moments to recharge and reconnect with your Self… The world is a better place when you do…
This can mean soaking in the tub before going to bed, keeping a Gratitude Journal, meditating before you jump out of bed, getting a workout app to replace the gym, giving yourself “spa treatments” from facials, to scrubs, to mani/pedis, seating with a cup of tea, whatever…
This challenging time doesn’t have to be the undoing of us. It could be a blessing in disguise, and the doing of us… How about we operate with that mindset from now on? You’ll be surprised at the yumminess that starts flowing…
ASSIGNMENT: Take note of what your go-to thoughts are, how you are feeling, and how you are managing yourself, your family, your home, and your work…
Identify where you can stand to clean up and align your approach for better outcomes. Where you can be more intentional and proactive. No need to overdo anything and overcompensate. Just notice, realign, and take gentle, caring and yet swift action.
Think on how this imposed lifestyle change can actually be a blessing in disguise and full of opportunities to design the life you want…
Embrace the change…
ADDITIONAL ASSIGNMENT: Support businesses that are losing foot traffic by purchasing gift certificates to be used at a later time.
Think on how else you can be proactively supportive in your community.
AND, IF THIS RESONATES…
Register for our upcoming 1Day Virtual Event on 4/4:
Complete the Assignment, and share your takeaway, insights, and results with a note in the Comments box at the end! I’d love to hear how you are using this content.
Happy Thriving!
Copyright (c) 2020 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
Focusing on the things that are good for us, make us feel good, and create a stronger connection to our Self are massively important in our Journey. Not only do we feel good (haha, who doesn’t want that?), but this is imperative for creating our successful relationship, and meaningful life…
When we take care of ourselves, when we set effective boundaries, when we focus on personal development, when we invest in ourselves, when we expand our repertoire for pampering, fun, stimulation, interests and the like we become better at our Human Experience, closer to our Best/Higher Self, and increase our ability to Be a better Partner…
For as you know, we don’t need to white-knuckle anything in life… Specially, we don’t need to white-knuckle Being in relationship with our partner… A lot of times partners focus so much on all the behavior changes and long a**s list of things to do and not to do to please their partner… This is not the way…
I remember a conversation with a client who before this concept clicked, was keeping a running list of all the things to “work on”, “be better at”, “do differently”. At one point he said something like, I just can’t hang on to all these behaviors in my head, I’m going to miss something and mess up.
What we worked on was to focus on how to Be the person and partner he wanted to Be, not how to change a list of behaviors. For, when we are who we want to Be, our Best Self, the behaviors follow suit… There is no white-knuckling in that.
And, when we are our Best Self, our most Authentic Self we can muster in the moment, we are aligned, inspired, connected, full of love. No bad behavior or outcome ever comes from this state…
There is a protocol that helps us shift and align so we can Master Being Our Self:
What you think creates
How you feel
Which influences your actions
Which creates your results…
Going straight for changing the behaviors before you changed your thinking is challenging. I’m sure you have experience with this in different areas of your life: dieting, exercising, sleeping, connecting, creating, and all the rest of it…
The behavior-change or action is not sustainable as an ongoing behavior change on its own because its driver wasn’t changed. The behavior change on its own right requires will power and ongoing decisions to continue to be carried out:
– Every morning you convince yourself to snuggle for a bit and hit the snooze button for an hour
– Every morning you ponder if you should go to the gym and talk yourself out of it
– Every evening you think about getting closer, in proximity, to your partner for connection to then clean the kitchen, fall asleep in your kid’s bed, or binge watch Netflix
Know what I mean? Why are these things even decisions or options?
This is troublesome because willpower can be finite for a multitude of reason… Including decision-fatigue… If every little thing has to be debated and decided on, we’d never get anything done and we’d burn out before we know it. Or, even worse we could not be intentional, self-owning and alive in our life and create a life by default instead. And, then one day we’d wake up to the reality we created – not so pretty.
What’s required is a change in thinking, a mindset shift. A mindset shift is permanent. Once you change your thinking and believes the rest flows easily from there. Constant ongoing decisions, remembering long lists, fighting your mindless approach, and walking on eggshells is no longer the norm.
Once the shift happens the behaviors don’t require choosing, deciding, and white-knuckling. This is because they are now flowing from your core Self, who you are, your love and they are in alignment with your values, they flow from your intentional and systematized habits and routines, they are part of your lifestyle and how things are. Bam! That’s what I’m talking about.
Isn’t that much easier? This applies to everything in our life, from health and wellness, to being in relationship to creating a meaningful life. It behooves us to monitor and clean our thoughts, to upgrade our believes, to identify and own our values, to Stay Connected with our Self. This is where all the yumminess is. This is who our partner fell in love with to begin with… And, then we got busy and erected defenses and things started going south.
Reconnect with yourself. Fully own and take care of yourself. Cherish yourself. And, even indulge yourself – with good stuff… And, then show up to your relationship, and your life…
ASSIGNMENT: Identify how you are white-knuckling in your relationship – do you always run late, do you forget to touch base with your partner, do you make plans without consulting them, do you finish eating before your partner makes their plate, do you have an extra drink, do you buy junk food, do you go against them in front of the kids.
What’s your flavor of undermining, rebelling, not owning yourself, not showing up that then you have to fight yourself not to do?
What is the theme to the items you identified? Does is have to do with accountability, conscientious, honesty, transparency, control, vulnerability, equality, worthiness, self-agency…
It might not be so easy to find the items you are white-knuckling on, they are so ingrained that you think this is how you are, your partner is, the flavor of your relationship.
But, I beg to differ and encourage you to observe, pause judgement and witness, with compassion. Just see yourself and your partner in your dance. Identify those items. This is the first step in liberating yourself from the shackles holding you back…
It might also not be easy to name your theme. If you want a transformation, play with gusto. Invest in getting it, keep at it until you get it…
Then invest in addressing the dirty thinking and limiting believes driving it. Dismantle the dirty, the illogical, the old and no longer true, etc.
Create new thoughts to replace the old that are more in Alignment with who you are Becoming, who you really are…
It helps to do this when Connected with your Higher Self… For then you are your Best Self…
This is how you create a mindset shift, reprogram yourself, how you create a new operating system, how you can flow with ease and stop the white-knuckling for now everything you do flows from an updated version of you…
And, when You show up, your Partner feels you and responds in kind, and now you can create your Successful Relationship… Connect, Shift, Show-up
DRUM ROLL PLEASE…
You can now register, Yay!, for our upcoming 1day virtual workshop on 4/4:
This is going to be such an incredible event. It is the most comprehensive, insightful and laser-focused work of its kind. It’s our work in its most streamlined form. It’s years of personal development and relationship enrichment condensed into this 1Day Experience.
It captures a Transformation Process in easy to implement tactics. You’ll have my brain downloaded and proven targeted strategies at your fingertips. LOL
The day is packed with thought-provoking, mindset shift concepts and simple, yet extremely powerful and transformational, easily implementable tools for immediate results.
You’ll learn how to:
~ 1 ~ Easily get on the same page and break the impasse
~ 2 ~ Improve your communication and resolve recurring arguments
~ 3 ~ Change your patterns and meet your needs
~ 4 ~ Increase your connection, intimacy and fun
~ 5 ~ And, create a strong partnership
You will love it! I’m so sure of it, that I’m even offering a moneyback guarantee.
AND, because it’s a debut and celebratory event (more on this in upcoming notes!), it is super discounted. This is a onetime opportunity. If you are interested in a deeper dive with the concepts I write, and preach about (LOL), this is your chance to get it with this amazing deal. Register now!
I hope you join us at this Epic event!
Complete the Assignment, and share your takeaway, insights, and results with a note in the Comments box at the end! I’d love to hear how you are using this content.
Happy Becoming!
Copyright (c) 2020 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
One of the major consequences of running our life on overdrive is the impact on our energy, not just its vibration but how much of it we have. Fortunately, I’ve been blessed (as have you, but might not fully know it yet!) with the ability to generate energy naturally.
Even during the craziest times, I had loads of energy. Though looking back, it was probably partially fueled by my adrenaline and sugar addiction (i.e., hot chocolate and Oreos for dinner while working). Ha!
For the sake of this issue and its audience, I want to focus on its impact on Intimacy. When we run rugged our intimacy suffers. Period. I’m sure you don’t need me to tell you that, but I want to show you how and how to change it along with other culprits that impact intimacy.
Bear in mind, I’m only addressing this from this minute angle, there is so much more going on here emotionally and practically… Hence, I’m always preaching about streamlining, simplifying, decommitting and such…
5 Culprits of Low Intimacy…
Exhaustion
Well, it’s not surprising that if we are tackling the all the world’s problems that we’d be exhausted at the end of the day. Also, the overachievers, multitaskers and overdoers run out of time to tackle their super aggressive agenda, so they cut into their sleep time to compensate. Not to mention that if they are women, they are probably the one waking up more in the middle of the night with little ones, especially if they are nursing. Yeah, fun times!
This state messes with patience, bandwidth, mood, outlook, body image, appetite, libido… Not only are you too tired to do it, you also have no interest… And, if you are a woman and somehow got over this hump, then you run into not being able to turn your brain/ruminating off… You can’t get in the mood and your female physiology doesn’t cooperate to boot. And, this is only culprit #1 on this list!
Domesticity
Once we move in together, and even more so once children come along, the focus of the relationship changes to creating a life together. The focus becomes on the domestic. Before, it was about sharing, now is about managing.
There is Being in sharing… But, there is a lot of doing in managing when tackled as a big long *a—s to-do list… This in and of itself is terrible as not only does this contribute to the exhaustion, but our awesome Self is not showing when we are in doing mode…
And, as if that’s not bad enough, when we don our Domestic hat, and live in our husband/wife and father/mother roles, we mute the person, the essence of ourselves – the male/female energy in the relationship… The roles are not interested in intimacy. They are all about duty, responsibility, and such. They are the antithesis of intimacy [Being mindful of my language… so as not to trigger spam blockers. LOL].
Unless you look at intimacy as duty! A different topic. I’m sure you are familiar with how fast the mood/moment changes when your baby cries, or one of the children comes to your door, or into your bed!
Expectations
It gets better. Add to the above all the junkie thoughts you allow to rent space in your head. And, I am not referring to just your unfinished to do list, brainstorms about a project, thinking about a problem or concern, the big presentation tomorrow, or worrying about whatever you worry about. I’m referring to thoughts of your own inadequacy and misguided expectations about your partner, your intimacy and the relationship as a whole.
You can be downright mean to yourself and your partner in that head of yours. You might have thoughts of what sucky lovers you might each be, how gross your bodies might be, how disappointing as partners you might each be, etc… You might even have thoughts micromanaging your partner’s love making. Or, about how much pleasure you should have or how you are supposed to get there. We can be our own worst enemy in all areas of our life!
Enmeshment
This is a tricky one because it’s not as obvious as the others. It refers to how close the partners are… I’m sure you have friends or know people, or this might even be you, that do everything with their partner. And, they think this is a good thing. They call each other best friends.
They know everything about each other and every moment of their day. They are in constant contact. They only have couple friends and look down on single people. All their activities are family and kid related. They don’t leave their kids with others. They don’t take couple vacations, never mind trips without their partner. You get my drift.
This might sound idyllic to partners who feel distance and disconnection from their partner. But, these enmeshed partners are not better off. Their supposedly closeness picks up too much of a friendship vibe… They are too close, too together for mystery, interest, and desire to spark. The male and female energy necessary for attraction and passion gets muted… Yikes! These are the partners that are the most surprised to discover a possible affair.
Boredom
And, here is where it gets fun. The easiest way to kill the human spirit (and desire and intimacy!) is through boredom. We are meant for variety, exploration, curiosity, adventure, feeling Alive… When our lives are monotonous, too safe / secure, without meaning or purpose, and the like we lose oomph. We don’t have a fire in our belly, drive, hunger… There is no aliveness. There is no mystic.
To make matters worse, this carries into the actual relationship – it’s just there. It’s taken for granted. It’s expected to last a lifetime without nourishment… As we very well know anything that is neglected withers, breaks down or goes away. This true for a garden, a car, health, finances, and anything you can think of. If the relationship doesn’t get attention it doesn’t exist, it’s just a contract, an agreement… How fun is that? Never mind radiant…
And, then add a boring bedroom life for good measure. If you get to the lovemaking the same way all the time and do the same things all the time, where is the curiosity, the enticement, the anticipation, the draw, the eagerness, the yearning, the build-up…? For you see our intimacy is driven by our brain which needs proper stimulation…
And, you wonder what happened to your intimacy? The answer is: Plenty!
ASSIGNMENT: If you are having intimacy issues, there is so much to address… But, don’t let this overwhelm you. Start by identifying which is the biggest low intimacy Culprit in your relationship:
Exhaustion – you are too tired, your libido is dead
Domesticity – your roles are squashing your male/female attraction energy
Expectations – the noise in your head doesn’t allow you to get in your body
Enmeshment – you are too together to experience the allure
Boredom – there isn’t enough stimulation (not stress…) in your life and relationship
Make it your business to create change in this area. For example:
~ Remove todos from your Lifestyle. Yes, you can! They are all self-imposed!
~ Build-in and honor Couple Time in your routine
~ Clean your thinking and limiting believes
~ Have lovely Me time and nurture your individuality
~ Change things up in your repertoire…
Do whatever it takes if you are serious about creating your amazing, radiant, successful relationship. Make changes with Gusto. Embrace them. Enjoy!
Here is to an exciting and lively week! Make it fun!
ANOTHER QUICK UPDATE:
The 1day virtual Relationship Enrichment Bootcamp™ is scheduled for 4/4! Mark your calendar! Stay tuned for how to register. It’s going to be an epic event! Sooo excited! Eek!
Complete the Assignment, and share your takeaway, insights, and results with a note in the Comments box at the end! I’d love to hear how you are using this content.
Happy Lovemaking!
Copyright (c) 2020 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
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Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT has been in the mental health profession in varying capacities for the past 20+ years. She is the Founder and Director of metrorelationship.com a psychotherapy and coaching practice specializing in working with busy professional and entrepreneurial couples who are struggling getting on the same page and feeling connected. The work helps couples create a radiant and successful relationship and meaningful life by becoming a strong partnership and increasing their connection, intimacy, and fun. Emma is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Relationship Strategy™.
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