We’ve been making our way through the 5 Elements of our Successful Couple Strategy™ to launch us into the New Year ready to create the best version of our relationship yet.
Today’s topic – The Same Thing Over and Over. Unless we make sure we don’t get stuck, that’s exactly what happens… When partners wing things in their relationship they will find themselves creating repeating patterns. That’s just the way of things. Even if they don’t necessarily “wing it”, but are not intentional, mindful, informed, and use Relationship Enrichment Skills this is still what happens…
What happens? What drives the repeating patterns? Why do partners get stuck here, no matter how smart they are? As I’ve said once or twice in session, this is not a logical problem to be solved with an intellectual conversation or approach, or as if it’s a riddle… No matter how much you kick it around in your head that’s not how you change this.
This happens because at some level we are looking to get what we haven’t gotten yet… It’s our unconscious mind at work, it’s a built-in mechanism to give us a second chance. A second chance at getting our needs met, at fully growing up, and at actually becoming who we are…
So even though it’s super frustrating to be stuck in repeating patterns, this is actually a Gift, a Blessing. This is an opportunity in disguise. This is a chance to give it another try! This happens FOR us not TO us.
This means our relationship is a gift, our Partner is a Gift… For in this context we have the perfect situation to do our work and have our human experience… It gives us the opportunity to practice, try again, and crack the code. How many situations in our life are as rich as this…?
Ok, so how do the frustrating things keep repeating against sometimes our bestest efforts and wishes? They repeat because is not the specific behavior or situation that is the issue or that needs to change, and that’s what the partners focus on…
Like leaving the toilet seat up
Like not getting up early to help with the children
Like not doing the dishes
Like always running late
Like telling white lies
Like leaving crumbs on the counter
Like not responding to texts fast enough
Like listening to the T.V. too loudly
Like not immediately picking up after the dog went in the yard
Like not buying groceries frequently enough
These are all real examples from couples I’m currently working with, and the list goes on and on. Any resonate for you? What is the thing that’s getting you?
Partners get stuck on items like this and what ensues when trying to address them… As you can see from the behaviors listed, the focus is on what the partner is doing or not doing! Right off the bat they are off in the wrong direction… The mere focus on these items as the partner being a perpetrator of some kind automatically affects one’s mood, state, experience and approach… And, it disempowers us…
The key with these and other similar focus items is to understand what they trigger for us… The trigger, the emotional response, is the hook… It’s not the behavior per se that’s so egregious, but what it does to us, how it makes us feel… As we are on the lookout to no longer get hurt in the same old way, to not feel that pain again, we are sensitive to any experience that might trigger it…
Some of the behaviors listed above wouldn’t bother someone else to the same extent if at all… Partners are not usually aware of the trigger, or get so triggered that they can’t help themselves, so they just get hang-up on the particular behavior for its own sake…
Partners then focus on correcting the infraction and getting their way. When faced with certain behaviors, we assign some negative meaning to them that triggers us. This by the way, happens at lightning speed where most of the time we are not even aware of our process…
And, then we react to the trigger, triggering our partner, who reacts to their trigger, triggering us some more.Fun times! LOL Thus, we go around and around, we create a repeating loop, we get stuck in a Power Struggle where both partners are focused on getting their way (getting their needs met and relieving their pain)… They end up creating repeating patterns, stuck dynamics. This creates stuckness in the relationship…
Changing the focus from our partner’s behavior in trying to take care of ourselves to caring of how we feel and what got triggered is how we shift the stuckness, change the dynamics and the patterns. When we change to this approach, we heal…
When we stretch to meet our needs appropriately, and our partner’s when addressing their concerns, we grow… When we intentionally work together we create a deeper understanding, more connection and greater intimacy…
This is how we create an everlasting bond, a rock-solid Partnership. This is what enables us to Flourish and create our Brilliant Life…
ASSIGNMENT: Take a moment to,
Identify the infractions, your partner’s imperfections, that you tend to focus on in your relationship.
Identify what they trigger for you, what feelings come up when faced with them. Note, that this is a pervasive feeling… It just gets exacerbated during certain times…
Identify what the feelings call for. What are the associated needs? What do you imagine you need when those feelings come up? This is where the focus needs to be, on the feeling and how to meet the needs driving it. And, the need is NOT, I need my partner to do the dishes! LOL
Identify ways to appropriately meet your needs- to address the pervasive feeling… And remember, it has nothing to do with the actual items that get you. They are just messengers…
Play with this to your heart’s content, heal yourself and grow yourself up. You’ll notice how much easier and beautiful your life becomes… Embrace the opportunities!
Complete the Assignment, and share your takeaway, insights, and results with a note in the Comments box at the end! I’d love to hear how you are using this content.
Happy Embracing
Copyright (c) 2019 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
So many of our “big projects” are coming to gorgeous fruition. Life indeed is Grand! How about you? What accomplishment or deliciousness are you celebrating from this year? Nothing is irrelevant, a given or expectation. Anything beautiful in your life you Allowed and coCreated. Acknowledge it, own it, celebrate it. We create the life we have, take credit and delight…
We get what we put in… This brings me to today’s writing. We are on Element2 of the Successful Couple Strategy™:
Element1 – Context & Mindset
Element2 – Communication & Alignment
Element3 – Clarity & Dynamics
Element4 – Connection & Intimacy
Element5 – Collaboration & Partnership
Today’s topic – Fighting Without Resolution. Unfortunately, it is very common for couples to fight and not resolve the issue at hand. There is a multitude of reasons for this. Here are a few, the partners:
Engage in discussing what’s bothering them at inopportune times, or downright inappropriate times
Start discussions with a hothead, when they are still triggered
Address their concern by going after their partner and the perceived infraction
Get hang up on being right, making their point, winning the argument
Lose sight of the topic at hand and bring up other prior (also still unresolved) frustrations
Turn the discussion into how the other is not showing up right, or is fighting unfairly
Make it their business to teach the other skills, tell them what they did wrong or what they could do better
Take on a defensive stance and go on the offensive
Use the moment to address everything that is bothering them
Go at the conversation attacking their partner, their character and making character flaw observations
Can you see how these would not be conducive for addressing concerns, understanding each, getting on the same page, resolving issues and building and sustaining intimacy? What’s really interesting is that even though this approach doesn’t work, partners keep doing this over and over. This is how they keep trying to work on things and make changes. It doesn’t work!
It doesn’t work because they can’t expect their partner to be able to discuss or address something potentially intense at any given moment because they want to. Or, for the other to have that expectation in turn. Partners need to proactively select a time to have a productive discussion.
It doesn’t work because they start conversations from an unresourced state. They are triggered and sensitive. They go in with guns blazing blaming, criticizing, shaming, demanding, controlling, attacking and the like. They go in making their partner wrong off the bat.
They go in as a victim and injured party. They don’t give the partner the benefit of the doubt, speak about their own experience and never mind taking ownership for what they contributed to the situation.
It doesn’t work because they get caught up in the reactive moment and lose sight of the topic at hand. The interaction becomes about everything else. How they are talking, how they are not using skills, how they do everything wrong, how they always do this, how it’s hopeless, how everything stinks, and on and on… They miss the forest for the tree. Instead of showing up with their best self, with a collaborative, compassionate and flexible approach.
And, even worst of all. It doesn’t work because they are attacking who the other person is… They are devaluing, questioning, and shredding their partner. Who the heck are they to question the other? How dare they assume they have that right? Because you are disgruntled, married, hurt and possibly your partner actually wronged you, it still does not mean you get to be a jerk.
It is our job to be our best human self that we can possibly muster at any given time, and to give ourselves the opportunity to that. Going into discussions without that intention doesn’t serve anyone! It sets you up to show up with the little you. And, it sets you up to get nonsense from your partner. Why do that to yourself?
This is why when we are in session the discussions go much better, because these things are not allowed. It behooves you to bring a cleaner version of your approach to your conversations. And, you don’t have to have the most amazing skills in the world, be perfect at delivering them and be a saint. Your attempt at doing things differently goes a long way in and of itself… Your partner can see the investment and they usually respond in kind…
Note, sometimes you might try, and the moment still turns into a s*t show. Listen, nobody and no relationship is perfect. It happens. What becomes important then is what you do afterwards. How you conduct yourself and go back in… How you learn from the experience and work on doing better next time. Learning from your mistakes and continuing to invest on becoming the best version of you. This is at the crux of it all.
ASSIGNMENT: Do a review of how your discussions usually go and identify how you contribute to the conversation going south. If you can’t find anything this could be part of the issue in and of itself… If you were in the conversation, you contributed to how it went… Own your side and focus on making the changes you need to make… This alone helps start a new pattern…
As usual the focus is on what we can change and what we have control over… Stop wasting your energy and time trying to change your partner and focusing on creating something different by telling your partner what they need to change… Stop giving your power away! Focusing on your side is super empowering and that’s how you create change, and ultimately the relationship and life you want. You can do it!
Stay tuned for next week’s issue on a Changing Dynamics topic…
Complete the Assignment, and share your takeaway, insights, and results with a note in the Comments box at the end! I’d love to hear how you are using this content.
Happy Changing!
Copyright (c) 2019 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
Are you setting yourself up for your Best Year Yet? I want to help, this is what we’ll do…
First though, I’d like to point something out. I’m sure you’ve noticed that even though we specialize in working with couples, that my writing focuses on bringing out your Best Self to play… I cover this from a lot of different angles bringing it back around to the context of the relationship…
The reason for this is that we have a tendency to get in our own way, and then are not able to show up with our Best Self to our Relationship… The focus is on taking charge of ourselves to create the relationship and life we desire. This personal development is hugely important if we are to have our Best Life.
So, for the next several weeks to ease us right into the New Year, I’ll be covering very specific Relationship Success topics with the usual personal angle and flair. The idea is to prime the pump if you may to setup your relationship for its next level of awesomeness in the New Year. Eh?
Today’s topic – Feeling Stuck. Feeling Stuck is a very common feeling for couples. Partners feel stuck in a variety of ways. Here are some popular ones:
Not moving to the next level of commitment – moving in together, getting engaged, getting married
Not feeling close – feeling like ships passing in the night, disinterest from the other, not being a priority
Not feeling supported – having different preferences for leisure, in-laws issues, conflicting parenting styles, financial management concerns, general disapproval
Not progressing in life – having children, getting the first home or moving out of a starter home, having better jobs or positions, increasing business revenue or impact
Not feeling great in the relationship – experiencing a general sense of dissatisfaction, boredom, apathy, unhappiness
Feeling Stuck is par for the course in relationship at some point or another in its lifespan. Being in a successful relationship is one of the most challenging undertakings in life, with successful parenting being a close second… It is bound to have difficulties, challenges, and ups-and-downs. It is not easy to create a Radiant Joint Life where there is just the right balance of coupling and individualism, and of merging of two lives…
The fact that Feeling Stuck is normal at some point in our relationship doesn’t make it any easier. And, the fact that it’s normal doesn’t mean that we grin and bear it and wait for it to pass. We have to be intentional about addressing it properly or it can end up having severe consequences on the relationship and our life.
Of course, it would be even better to be preventative and hardly at all if ever have to experience this. But usually we learn how to be preventative of future stuckness by going through this at least once… It’s not something we usually start with, “Hm, let me make sure I don’t Feel Stuck at any point in the relationship”…
So, if you are Feeling Stuck, don’t worry you are not alone and know that you can change this. Sometimes when the feeling strikes it feels so numbing, uncomfortable, devastating, hopeless and such that the only way to alleviate the feeling is to get the heck out. But, don’t be rash in making this decision. Stuckness doesn’t have to be pervasive. You can get beyond it and create the relationship you desire… Only you can decide if it’s worth the investment.
It takes commitment to weather the storm, to hang in there, to address the uncomfortableness, to make changes. This is definitely not for the faint of heart. It takes courage to have faith and stay committed when faced with what seem indicators to the contrary.
Others in your life might question your sanity. You might question your sanity. But, it’s during this hesitation and ambivalence that we need to let go of ego and soften our heart…
It’s during our ambivalence that we are the most vulnerable and make rash decisions. I hear often that people wish they would have tried harder or differently to save a prior marriage or relationship.
Note, this is trickier to do when there are severe issues in the relationship – affairs, addictions, mental illness, or others. It doesn’t mean it can’t be done but be prepared for an intense ride. In this platform, I’m not talking to these situations for they require a little more TLC.
It’s during the ambivalence that we have to put our Feeling Stuck into proper Context and not lose sight of the forest for the tree… It is during this time that we have to Transcend our noise, our nitpicking, our stubborn position, our judgement and criticism, our arrogance and high-horse, and such.
It is during this time that we get in touch with what is important to us, why we are in this in the first place, who we actually are and the possibilities, who are partner actually is and the possibilities, the potential…
This is not so easy to do, but boy is it empowering if you are able to get out of your own way and see… For this becomes your Why, the inspiration, the driver, and the strength. This is what’s needed to stay the course. This is how it’s easier to stay committed…
From a committed place you have strength to do what it takes to create change. A key approach is to deconstruct the stories and scripts you have running through your mind, and see how you are cocreating the Stuckness… It is imperative that you take full ownership of your side in it. This is the only place you have control and power. When you exercise your agency, you can create change…
ASSIGNMENT: Make a date with yourself to have an empowering sit down. Create a time free of distractions that is cozy, soothing and restorative.
During this time, explore the story of your relationship. Look at it from every single angle. The only caveat is that you look at it as to how you’ve been in it, from inception until now…
What have been your strengths, your contributions, and your gifts?
What have been your weaknesses, defenses, and erosions? It’s ok to see how your partner might have induced these from you… But it’s NOT ok to blame your partner for the state of things, or for how you chose to react and be… All of that is ultimately on you!
Take full ownership for your side of things… This is where the Transformation starts…
Once you get a taste for how liberating and empowering this is, you’ll feel like a new person. This is how the Stuckness starts to breakdown… This is where the juice is! This is a worthy undertaking for from here anything is possible… Milk this feeling and keep coming back to it. Carry it into the New Year and beyond.
Stay tuned for next week’s issue on a Communication topic…
Complete the Assignment, and share your takeaway, insights, and results with a note in the Comments box at the end! I’d love to hear how you are using this content.
Happy Deconstructing!
Copyright (c) 2019 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
It’s been a wonderful Season so far of clearing, replenishing, and resetting ourselves. As we move into the lovely holiday weekend with Passover and Easter, if you observe, we can expand on the meaning of the holiday beyond the religious message. I love to experience this time as a time for new beginnings… A time for rebirth, for freely pursuing our heart and our dreams, for beginning anew, for blooming, for thriving…
And, I love applying this lens to our Relationship… This is a time for recommitting to our partner and for starting a new chapter in our relationship, maybe even a new book! Regardless of the status of your relationship, here is another opportunity to reinvest in creating the relationship you desire.
You have a chance to create a new relationship with your partner. You have a chance to start new. I’m all for milking any and all opportunities in front of me. How about you?
So, what does this mean for our relationship? Of course, feel free to run with this concept as fits your life, relationship, current status, style, creativity, and such, but for my priming let’s entertain the idea (don’t overthink this!) of how different things could be if you had no choice but to succeed at your relationship…
How would you show up if all of a sudden:
Your relationship is brand spanking new and you’d inherit trillions of dollars if you create a successful relationship…
You only have a few days left to live and want to enjoy a successful relationship experience…
You lost your relationship memory but know you love and enjoy your partner and have a successful relationship…
You are in a gameshow where you win big bucks if you are selected as the best couple with the most successful relationship…
You are the poster couple for relationships being showcased to teach children about successful relationships…
You are the last couple post-apocalypse and have to role model a successful relationship for the future of humanity…
You are going on a very dangerous mission and want to leave a recorded year-in-the-life of Mom and Dad’s successful relationship for your children…
You are in a foreign world where the inhabitants are to be terminated unless they learn from you how to be an amazing couple, and create a successful relationship…
Your life is threatened, unless you engage your partner creating a successful relationship…
You swap identities with the partners of the most well-known/public, wealthy and successful relationship in the world…
What is the common denominator in the above?
To be the best you can be in your relationship, no matter what… It’s interesting what comes up when you entertain this (again, play along, don’t logic this!).
How would you be in your relationship, if you had no choice but to show up with your best self? It’s also interesting to see what happens when we do show up with our best self… This is what I teach our couples. It makes a huge difference once the partners focus on what they contribute and step up their own game…
Your Assignment this week: Right about now is the perfect time to commit anew to your Partner, the Relationship, and to creating a Successful Relationship. Dust-off your yearly goals and see what you had for Relationship Enrichment. Tweak those as necessary to capture the recommitment, starting new, the gorgeous meaning of the season, and properly kick off Q2!
Your relationship is what you make of it… Your relationship depends on the attention you give it… Your relationship depends on what you put in it… Your relationship depends on how you treat your Partner… Your relationship depends on how you show up… Commit to creating a New Relationship with your Partner… It CAN be done…
Be the partner you want to be… Be your best… Regardless of how your partner is being… You always have the option of no longer being in the relationship. But if you are in it, Be ALL in!
Stay tuned for the next issue on how to create your New Strategy.
Share your insights and impact by leaving a comment below! I’d love to learn what you are able to accomplish and create when you are resourced.
Happy Committing!
Copyright (c) 2020 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
… Newness generates inspiration, energy, motivation, momentum, new heights… How do you keep things Fresh in your life? How do you inspire and motivate yourself? How do you strive for new heights?
Building on our current Spring Renewal Theme, when we declutter, detox, spring clean and reenergize the outcome is a phenomenal spaciousness, surge, and drive… This generates a new perspective from which anything is possible…There is so much opportunity and beauty in this…
Spaciousness – When we don’t run around like a chicken without a head. When we don’t triple schedule ourselves. When we generously create transition, buffer, down/lazy, unscheduled/open, leisure time. When we allow for time to think, process, plan. We engage our creative juices, problem solving, healing, and other inherent human gifts.
Surge – When we refresh, replenish, and reset, we generate more and better energy. This allows us to connect with our desires and fuel our dreams, our vision, our Journey. This keeps us engaged, interested, curious. This keeps us joyfully in the game.
Drive – When we are properly resourced, we can effortlessly put in what it takes to make what we desire happen… Too often people are not properly resourced and quit midgame… Or, hey, they might not even get in the game. When we are resourced, the fuel allows us to leverage, to pick up momentum, to take off effortlessly.
Some of us operate from this state much more consistently than others, and boy, what a difference it makes. I’m sure you can pick out your colleagues, friends and families that operate from a resourced state vs not… These are the people in your life that are doing well, that seem to have it all together, that seem very lucky, that are effortlessly high producers, that seem to be creating and living the life they want, and more.
When we are resourced, we are able to have a better perspective and approach life differently… This is where the magic happens… Let’s apply this to our relationship:
When we are resourced, we can be the Partner we want to be… When we are resourced, we can show up better and interact with our partner more lovingly and meaningfully… When we are resourced, we can give more grace, be more openminded and more resilient (less easily triggered…). When we are resourced, we can appropriately meet our and our partner’s needs with ease.
Your Assignment this week: Play with the Spring Renewal Theme (see related links below) to resource yourself to the max, and keep playing with this for ongoing benefits… Keep tabs on how you feel, how you are able to show up differently, and how exchanges and outcomes turn out much better than usual…
Why go through your Journey on fumes, sputtering as you go, and potentially running out of gas?! What a terrible way to live. Start resourcing yourself better now and enjoy the ride!
Share your insights and impact by leaving a comment below! I’d love to learn what you are able to accomplish and create when you are resourced.
Copyright (c) 2019 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
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Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT has been in the mental health profession in varying capacities for the past 20+ years. She is the Founder and Director of metrorelationship.com a psychotherapy and coaching practice specializing in working with busy professional and entrepreneurial couples who are struggling getting on the same page and feeling connected. The work helps couples create a radiant and successful relationship and meaningful life by becoming a strong partnership and increasing their connection, intimacy, and fun. Emma is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Relationship Strategy™.
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