I know it still feels surreal that we are in the midst of a Pandemic and we are, what I’m calling, grounded… And, now that the shutdown has been extended to May 15th in our NY/NJ area, our resilience is being further tested. But, let me tell you that I’m super impressed with the stories I’m hearing from clients on how well they are managing this very stressful and uncertain time.
I know that not everyone is doing well. I know that the empty streets, the wailing sirens, the face masks, the challenged food supply, the isolation, the uprooted routine, the death tolls, and all the rest of it is wreaking havoc for some. Thankfully, there is talk of beginning to ease up on the shutdown just down the pike.
In the meantime, I know that what you usually deal with, whatever stressors you usually experience, whatever issue you have, is still there and probably to a higher extent. I know that if you had gotten a handle on your thing, that you might have regressed or might be retriggered.
I know that it is more challenging to have self-discipline right now. I know that is harder to stick to healthier habits. I know that some might have been good sports at the start of this, but know the situation is wearing on them.
I get that the thought of the shutdown being extended is too much for some.
I love to go into conversations with the above acknowledgement in mind to be met instead with people being ready for a longer shutdown. I love seeing the positive effect the shutdown is having on some… Yes, we don’t hear about this too much… The News likes to catastrophize events and heighten emotions… But, yes, I’m hearing about all the wonderful things that are coming out of this upside-down world…
I’m hearing of people creating new health habits, having more personal time, slowing down the living pace, enriching their lifestyle, creating richer connection rituals and traditions, getting more creative, and the list goes on…
For those that are not here yet, and that are experiencing this Covid-19 kicking them in the teeth, please know that this is possible for you as well…
I have noticed that the people that get stuck in their script, narrative, story of what is bad that is happening TO them, how they are being wronged by this situation or some experience of it, or how they are at its mercy, that those are the people that are having the hardest time. Their mood, motivation, energy, bandwidth and the like are getting more and more depleted. They seem to be spiraling down fast and hey can’t seem to catch themselves…
To you, I say:
Don’t get lost by missing the forest for the tree… Mind what you allow to rent space in your head and the narrative you entertain so you gain perspective and strength…
Don’t get stuck in helplessness… Tap into your wisdom, insights, resourcefulness, talents, gift/brilliance for you have everything you need…
Don’t give your power away… Address the things you have control over and don’t harp on the circumstances out of your control…
Don’t run yourself rugged or regress… Step up your personal ownership with boundaries, positive habits and routines that support you…
Don’t trigger anxiety with the noise… Operate from your center of Influence, which starts with you – you resource yourself, you generate uplifting messages, you take positive action, you be a role model…
If you have a reaction to this, please know that I’m walking my talk as are those around me, including our clients, and this works… All you have to do is ease the white-knuckling, be with your Self, and take charge of yourself…
If the challenges you are experiencing the most are related to your relationship, the above tactics will help you make changes…The key is to clean up your side of the street…
Clean up the story that your partner does things on purpose to be mean to you, that they don’t care, that you care more, that they are lazy, that they are sabotaging or undermining you, etc. These are usually not true. Your partner wants to please you…
Your partner is also on a Journey and having a Human Experience… They have their own lessons to learn and codes to crack. Bring your wisdom and strengths to your relating, Transcend the minutia and drama in your interactions…
Mind what you are contributing to your status quo and relationship, and don’t focus on what your partner is doing or not doing… Focus on your %80 (from the 80/20 rule where any issue is %80 about you, and only %20 about what your partner did or didn’t do)… This can keep you busy for a while… Focusing on the %20 is a waste of time as you have no control over that %20… and a sure way to get stuck…
It’s draining to be in conflict, to worry, to ruminate, to manipulate, to control, to nag, to shutdown, to dismiss, etc… Take charge of what you do and how you do it, and what you’ll tolerate – the boundaries are for you… Implement a self-care practice where you connect with yourself – here is the juice/energy/recharge, this is how you get centered/grounded, this is how you are less triggerable… This is how you can be the partner you want to be…
The more you allow yourself to worry about what’s going to happen and about things outside your control, like what your partner does or will do…, the more you’ll experience anxiety… Focus instead on getting a bird’s eye view, a higher level understanding of your partnership, the why of your relationship… Then operate from this higher-road perspective…
These tactics flow from Element1-Context/Mindset of my Successful Couple Strategy™. Getting a handle on how you choose to look at things is the first step in creating change in your relationship, and your world… Super empowering!
Here are prior related Blog posts for your quick reference, for you to grab what fits your current state:
We are at the center of our universe… We are at the center of our circle of influence… We are it! It behooves us to own our own power and to do awesomeness with it, for ourselves and everyone and everything around us…
ASSIGNMENT: Grab a few moments to sit with your thoughts and be witness to what is renting space in your head… What kinds of things are you entertaining? What scripts are you playing over and over? How are you taking yourself on a ride? How is the story you are telling yourself about your situation disempowering you?
Pay attention how the narrative makes you feel? Notice what actions you take, or not…, as a result of how you are choosing to look at things… Notice how this is impacting your wellbeing, your relationship, your life…
Notice what is working and what is having a result you don’t prefer… What thoughts would you need to think to feel better, and to take the actions that would give you the results you are looking for?
Well? Have at it…
Remember, you create your outcomes. You create who you are… You create your relationship… You create your Life… What will you create? Well? Have at it!
Complete the Assignment, and share your takeaway, insights, and results with a note in the Comments box at the end! I’d love to hear how you are using this content.
Happy Creating!
Copyright (c) 2020 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
After large numbers of deaths in NY/NJ, the outbreak seems to be slowing down and the curve flattening a bit in this area. Yay! This is just the beginning of seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. Hey, I’ll take ANY good news. Focusing on the good is Good…
What insights have you gotten about yourself as a result of this experience so far?
How have you stretched outside your comfort zone to step up your game in self-management and positively responding to this crisis?
What are you seeing as possible personal lessons and takeaways up to this point?
We’ve been at this for give or take a month now with a few more weeks to go, at least… Have you hit your stride with being locked-down, or are you still adjusting?
Are you concerned about the sustainability of the temporary new normal? What are the things that concern you the most? How do you usually deal with things that trouble or worry you? Does your usual approach serve you, or do you need to uplevel to meet the demands of this time? How will the upleveling serve you in the future…?
How do you foresee possibly coming out stronger at the end of this?
Can you see what might end up being positives after all this is said and done?
I know it’s challenging to look for the good in the midst of a Pandemic… But, I see a lot of deconstruction happening, preempting ReConstruction. This is always a good thing…
Can you foresee how this might play out locally, nationally, and globally in all areas of life? How can you be part of the solution, of the reconstruction? What role would you play? What would be your place? How would you contribute? How can you start doing that now, if you aren’t doing that already?
This is the time to get out of our own way, to transcend the petty and the minutiae for the higher calling and for a more meaningful life…
Where are you in your Journey? What is the Pandemic spotlighting as the work you have do in your own life? Where is your growth place? What needs attention? What code do you need to crack? What are you proud you’ve accomplished or been able to do? What do you need support with to do better or change?
It’s during times of crisis that the big shifts happen and epic change is possible… What does this mean for your wishes for the world, and for yourself? How can you embrace this and ride this wave of transformation and new beginnings?
Yes, we are still in the muck. These questions might feel a bit premature… You might think this is completely missing the mark. But, I assure you that entertaining this lens, this mindset and this outlook is the way back to health and to a better tomorrow.
If you are not ready for this message, that’s OK. As I’ve been writing, we are all in different places, have been impacted to different degrees and with different flavors, and have different readiness levels. It’s all good. We are where we are in our Journey. Take what serves you right now, ignore what doesn’t.
But, regardless of where you are, I implore you to toy with some of these questions to help you align, regroup and prosper faster and better…
Regardless of what is happening out there, change starts in here…
Here are prior related Blog posts for your quick reference, for you to grab what fits your current state:
As we all do ourselves better, collectively we do better. Let’s step up our self-management, let’s show up better for ourselves, for our partner, for all our loved ones, for our community and for the world at large. Now that’s how we create a better world… It all starts with us…
ASSIGNMENT: Train your mind to look for the lessons, for the growth places, for how to do things better, for how to show up better, for how to step it up, for how to ask better questions, for how to look for better solutions, for how to see the silver-lining, for how to see the good, for how to see the beauty, for how to do our Human Experience in a worth-while way…
As we begin to entertain coming out on the other side of this, make this experience mean something and count for something… See how you can use it as part of your Journey…
Complete the Assignment, and share your takeaway, insights, and results with a note in the Comments box at the end! I’d love to hear how you are using this content.
Happy Transcending!
Copyright (c) 2020 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
As the saga of Covid-19 continues and the outbreak is expected to peak in our area this coming week, now is the time to generate as much mental strength and fortitude as we can muster. It is not easy witnessing so much illness and death. Other parts of the country are trailing behind us, so these are going to be a couple of tough weeks. Turmoil and loss are not easy.
What’s really tough about all this is that we are experiencing so much loss in so many different ways. If you are not immediately impacted by the death of a loved one, it doesn’t mean that you are not also experiencing loss. Our very own way of life has been usurped. That in and of itself is a major loss…
We are all experiencing our own level and type of loss, some more than others, but we are all non-the-less experiencing some level of shock, numbness, sadness, denial, despair, anxiety, anger, guilt, loneliness, depression, helplessness. And, as this thing continues to ramp up, and the losses increase, the feelings are going to get more pronounced and prevalent.
We can be pro-active about how we manage ourselves to lessen the impact on our wellbeing and our lives.
What does this mean? This means a few things, that we:
Maintain control over the things we can control – Trying to control the circumstance that are happening around us is a futile effort. We can’t control what we can’t control and if that is your approach to your current experience you are having a more difficult time than is par for the course.
Don’t try to control the circumstance, focus your control on your immediate environment and how you are choosing to look at what’s happening, let it impact you and what you do about it…
The more you are bogging out, the more you need to dial this in and focus on your most immediate physical environment. Tidy up the messes, clean up, organize, and create systems in your home and work. This will give your brain a focus and your body an outlet. Get to work!
Manage our lives in smaller bites – Because things feel so big, we are trying to solve all the problems of the world at once. Or, at least all the things in our lives that are not working or that are affected. Chill cookie. Pick one issue or concern at a time, focus on it to resolution or completion.
If you have to wait on others for responses and such, then you can move on to the next one while you wait. Don’t start or engage in too many of these at once. The juggling will only create more stress and anxiety. We have less bandwidth than usual, be kind to yourself. Don’t overdo it and crash yourself. We are not going anywhere, and this Pandemic is temporary. It’s OK, to move slower…
Are gentler, more compassionate and more forgiving – Seriously, watch the shaming, the criticizing, the judging, the blaming, the complaining, the controlling, the resenting, the demanding, arrogance, the perfectionism, and such. These are not nice to inflict on others or yourself, outspoken or in your head. Mind your expectations of yourself and others.
These are poison to your body, mind and spirit / energy. Nothing good comes of entertaining and partaking in these thoughts, feelings and actions. Monitor yourself closely and eradicate these as soon as they pop-up. This in and of itself will increase your mental, emotional and physical resilience… Clean up your act immediately!
Balance retreating and connecting – Create alone time to regroup, process, get grounded, and recharge. This is just as important as Connection time. Because we are in lockdown and deprived of our usual interactions, we are super focused on connecting. Nothing wrong per se with this. But, we have to make sure we have enough separateness and respite to Connect with ourselves also…
Step up our gratitude and mindfulness practice – Set some time aside every day, more than once a day if you can, to meditate, journal, listen to affirmations, be in gratitude, show appreciation, pray, engage with inspirational material, and the like.
For real, limit your social media and news consumption. I don’t care what your profession is, you need to remove the alarm and stimulation that’s coming at you. If for some reason this is not feasible, then counter the polluting and triggering material with enriching and recharging positive material… You just have to do this to neutralize the junk taken in…
Embrace activities with repetitive movements and exercise – These are ways to not only release pent up energy and circulate and change body, but they also engage the brain differently providing soothing benefits. There is plenty of exercise and working-out apps and advise online. If you are not working out yet – get moving, literally. LOL
Aside from exercise things like coloring, painting, knitting, vacuuming, brushing a pet, braiding hair, shooting hoops, swinging, bike riding, etc. provide a rhythmic hypnotic experience that soothes.
Also, try Havening… It’s a specific form of caressing oneself that sends calming signals to the brain… It’s doing a downward caressing motion form the top of your thighs to your knees, from the top of your arms to your elbows, form your elbows to your wrists, from the top of your forehead to your chin. Don’t rub back and forth. Use a downward motion. Great to teach children too who have difficulties falling asleep or who are very active…
Play in nature, with children and pets – Build into your routine outdoor and play time. The sun, fresh air and naivety of children and pets are blessings. Rejoice!
Engage in creative expression – Find a creative outlet… This gives the problem solver, analytical and data focused part of our brain a break. And, it activates more feel-good parts. Hey, maybe now is the time to learn a new instrument or pull out the brushes and canvases.
Help and contribute – Changing the focus to a more positive endeavor is mana for the brain and Spirit. Choose to contribute in ways that are inspiring and come natural to you. Share your gifts, passions and strengths. Don’t offer to help in ways you know will deplete you. What’s the point in that? You have special talents and specific resources that others can benefit from, put them to good use!
Where you are in your own personal development, in your Journey and pandemic timeline, will determine which of these resonate more for you and which make sense to integrate into your repertoire as you go along.
Everybody is impacted differently and to different degrees. What works for you, might not work for somebody else, possibly not even your partner… Stay open and flexible. We are all in this together, but we all have our own experiences…
Here are prior related Blog posts for your quick reference:
Here are some pointers I recently shared to my list on how to do your life to minimize the upheaval you might be experiencing. These are good practices for personal and relationship wellbeing… Some might sound basic, others not applicable, and yet others impossible for you to consider given where you are. Take what serves You…
Create a daily structure that supports who you are, your family and current needs. Build-in Wellness, Connection and Success Habits into the routine… Include time for
On Sundays, implement a more robust Self-Care practice and set up time to review the upcoming week with your partner to synchronize about anything that needs to be addressed.
Every evening plan and get ready for the next day – what’s needed, activities, workflow, etc.
Give yourself time to whine down before going to bed in the evenings. Create a soothing night-time routine for yourself… Eliminate electronics and other stimulants for at least one hour before bed.
Every morning, start the day earlier than your usual and do your Self Care Practice… Start the day strong and grounded…
Honor your Habits to keep taking care of yourself and your life… Include spiritual and religious practices. Connecting to your Higher Self and your Higher Power. Being in mediation and prayer.
Be intentional about separating your work from your personal time – day into evening, weekday into weekend. They might be different because there is no work or school, but bring in different activities and energy into the flow…
Be mindful that being in the same space with your partner does not necessarily mean you are Connecting… More on this below. Implement different ways of connecting with others, don’t just depend on your partner and immediate family for connection.
Be super vigilant of your thoughts, don’t take yourself on rides no matter how juicy, dire, or triggering the situation. This only makes things worse. I promise. (I know, this is much easier said than done. If you are struggling, get support!).
As things get more tough with loss and other trauma, be extremely mindful of being compassionate, soothing and loving to yourself and your loved ones… Build up as much reserve and resilience as possible now to minimize the impact you might experience. Prepare for what’s to come the best you can, trust that you will be OK in the end…
Take charge of your own wellbeing. Be prepared for the long-haul but take one day at a time. Keep everything simple. Focus on recharging and staying positive. Be witness to what is still beautiful in the world.
ASSIGNMENT: Take a few minutes to plan out your week to include more ease, intentionality, positive habits, and lots of self-care. Get rid of any excess that creates stress. Get rid of everything that depletes energy and creates unnecessary worry. Combat the fatigue with positive, recharging and inspirational content and activities. Keep the eye on the long-game, take a higher perspective. Don’t miss the forest for the tree. Remember, this too shall pass…
Focus on building resilience and stamina. And, hey, give yourself a little treat or kind words. Now, is the time to be super nice to yourself!
Complete the Assignment, and share your takeaway, insights, and results with a note in the Comments box at the end! I’d love to hear how you are using this content.
Happy Strengthening!
Copyright (c) 2020 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
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Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT has been in the mental health profession in varying capacities for the past 20+ years. She is the Founder and Director of metrorelationship.com a psychotherapy and coaching practice specializing in working with busy professional and entrepreneurial couples who are struggling getting on the same page and feeling connected. The work helps couples create a radiant and successful relationship and meaningful life by becoming a strong partnership and increasing their connection, intimacy, and fun. Emma is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Relationship Strategy™.
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