Do you know that you create your reality?
I know it still feels surreal that we are in the midst of a Pandemic and we are, what I’m calling, grounded… And, now that the shutdown has been extended to May 15th in our NY/NJ area, our resilience is being further tested. But, let me tell you that I’m super impressed with the stories I’m hearing from clients on how well they are managing this very stressful and uncertain time.
I know that not everyone is doing well. I know that the empty streets, the wailing sirens, the face masks, the challenged food supply, the isolation, the uprooted routine, the death tolls, and all the rest of it is wreaking havoc for some. Thankfully, there is talk of beginning to ease up on the shutdown just down the pike.
In the meantime, I know that what you usually deal with, whatever stressors you usually experience, whatever issue you have, is still there and probably to a higher extent. I know that if you had gotten a handle on your thing, that you might have regressed or might be retriggered.
I know that it is more challenging to have self-discipline right now. I know that is harder to stick to healthier habits. I know that some might have been good sports at the start of this, but know the situation is wearing on them.
I get that the thought of the shutdown being extended is too much for some.
I love to go into conversations with the above acknowledgement in mind to be met instead with people being ready for a longer shutdown. I love seeing the positive effect the shutdown is having on some… Yes, we don’t hear about this too much… The News likes to catastrophize events and heighten emotions… But, yes, I’m hearing about all the wonderful things that are coming out of this upside-down world…
I’m hearing of people creating new health habits, having more personal time, slowing down the living pace, enriching their lifestyle, creating richer connection rituals and traditions, getting more creative, and the list goes on…
For those that are not here yet, and that are experiencing this Covid-19 kicking them in the teeth, please know that this is possible for you as well…
I have noticed that the people that get stuck in their script, narrative, story of what is bad that is happening TO them, how they are being wronged by this situation or some experience of it, or how they are at its mercy, that those are the people that are having the hardest time. Their mood, motivation, energy, bandwidth and the like are getting more and more depleted. They seem to be spiraling down fast and hey can’t seem to catch themselves…
To you, I say:
- Don’t get lost by missing the forest for the tree… Mind what you allow to rent space in your head and the narrative you entertain so you gain perspective and strength…
- Don’t get stuck in helplessness… Tap into your wisdom, insights, resourcefulness, talents, gift/brilliance for you have everything you need…
- Don’t give your power away… Address the things you have control over and don’t harp on the circumstances out of your control…
- Don’t run yourself rugged or regress… Step up your personal ownership with boundaries, positive habits and routines that support you…
- Don’t trigger anxiety with the noise… Operate from your center of Influence, which starts with you – you resource yourself, you generate uplifting messages, you take positive action, you be a role model…
If you have a reaction to this, please know that I’m walking my talk as are those around me, including our clients, and this works… All you have to do is ease the white-knuckling, be with your Self, and take charge of yourself…
If the challenges you are experiencing the most are related to your relationship, the above tactics will help you make changes… The key is to clean up your side of the street…
- Clean up the story that your partner does things on purpose to be mean to you, that they don’t care, that you care more, that they are lazy, that they are sabotaging or undermining you, etc. These are usually not true. Your partner wants to please you…
- Your partner is also on a Journey and having a Human Experience… They have their own lessons to learn and codes to crack. Bring your wisdom and strengths to your relating, Transcend the minutia and drama in your interactions…
- Mind what you are contributing to your status quo and relationship, and don’t focus on what your partner is doing or not doing… Focus on your %80 (from the 80/20 rule where any issue is %80 about you, and only %20 about what your partner did or didn’t do)… This can keep you busy for a while… Focusing on the %20 is a waste of time as you have no control over that %20… and a sure way to get stuck…
- It’s draining to be in conflict, to worry, to ruminate, to manipulate, to control, to nag, to shutdown, to dismiss, etc… Take charge of what you do and how you do it, and what you’ll tolerate – the boundaries are for you… Implement a self-care practice where you connect with yourself – here is the juice/energy/recharge, this is how you get centered/grounded, this is how you are less triggerable… This is how you can be the partner you want to be…
- The more you allow yourself to worry about what’s going to happen and about things outside your control, like what your partner does or will do…, the more you’ll experience anxiety… Focus instead on getting a bird’s eye view, a higher level understanding of your partnership, the why of your relationship… Then operate from this higher-road perspective…
These tactics flow from Element1-Context/Mindset of my Successful Couple Strategy™. Getting a handle on how you choose to look at things is the first step in creating change in your relationship, and your world… Super empowering!
Here are prior related Blog posts for your quick reference, for you to grab what fits your current state:
9 Tactics for weathering your quarantine (lockdown)
5 Insights for your physical and mental health
Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional
Focus on building stamina and resilience
We are at the center of our universe… We are at the center of our circle of influence… We are it! It behooves us to own our own power and to do awesomeness with it, for ourselves and everyone and everything around us…
ASSIGNMENT: Grab a few moments to sit with your thoughts and be witness to what is renting space in your head… What kinds of things are you entertaining? What scripts are you playing over and over? How are you taking yourself on a ride? How is the story you are telling yourself about your situation disempowering you?
Pay attention how the narrative makes you feel? Notice what actions you take, or not…, as a result of how you are choosing to look at things… Notice how this is impacting your wellbeing, your relationship, your life…
Notice what is working and what is having a result you don’t prefer… What thoughts would you need to think to feel better, and to take the actions that would give you the results you are looking for?
Well? Have at it…
Remember, you create your outcomes. You create who you are… You create your relationship… You create your Life… What will you create? Well? Have at it!
Complete the Assignment, and share your takeaway, insights, and results with a note in the Comments box at the end! I’d love to hear how you are using this content.
Happy Creating!
Copyright (c) 2020 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
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Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
