There is a multitude of ways in which we don’t embrace our Freedom… We can certainly imprison, subjugate and de-self ourselves with how we choose to live our lives.
We pigeonhole ourselves through our mindset, perspectives, habits, lifestyle, job, career, marriage, home, community, religion, appearance, everything… We don’t realize that everything about us is a choice… Everything about us is a decision we made, or didn’t make, along the way…
We have a choice in everything about us… We just don’t usually look at ourselves and our life in this way… Every choice we make has an impact and a result in our life. Everything we think, feel, say, do, etc. is a choice, is created by us…
The life you have, you created and continue to create… Don’t shoot the messenger!
It is always striking to look at actors in movies and how they can change their appearance to be somebody completely different… They could have chosen to look like that for themselves in real life, or anything else they desire. We all have the same ability. The way we dress, how we do our hair, how we choose to speak, how we interact, etc. these are all choices.
Do I have certain genes, biology, temperament, and the like? Of course, I do. But I choose how to use what I have… And, I can make all kinds of different choices with what I have…
The way our life is – how we place furniture in our home, our daily routine, who we interact with, what we work on, what we have for dinner – we choose ongoingly… We can make different choices on anything at any time…
There was a morning last week when my husband came to me, and in a conspirational tone asked me, Did you see Vanessa’s (our daughter) room yet? Literally overnight, she rearranged her whole room even readied her fish tank for a new undertaking. She moved her bed, packed bookshelves, rugs and other furniture without making a peep.
He was floored by her ability to seamlessly carryout this project and create a whole new environment. This is the same kid who takes a week to get a load of laundry done. LOL
We can create whatever we want, whenever we want. We don’t have to suck up the status quo. We don’t have to have short or long hair. Be under- or over-weight. Have this or that career, or business, or home or anything for that matter. We created and continue to create our life.
There is Freedom in this awareness, and empowerment in the owning of the concept. You can get up at 5 a.m., you can eat low-carb, you can exercise every day, you can educate yourself on whatever you want, you can be nice to your partner, you can live somewhere else, etc…
So, whatever is giving you grief, whatever is troubling you, whatever is dissatisfying, whatever is a thorn in your back you have made decisions and choices that created that, or put you in the situation that you are in… And, all those things you can do something about (yes, regardless of the pandemic!).
First, own that you created what you have, or don’t have… Check your mindset, your perspectives and what thoughts you are entertaining…
Second, start owning your life! Start by owning every single choice you make or don’t make. Start making intentional ones, that honor who you are and who you want to be. That honor who you are Becoming. That honor you Becoming your Authentic Self, your Best Self.
When we operate more and more from our Authentic Self, we are more and more in Alignment and therefore more and more Free… Whatever we choose and create from our Authentic Self will always be Inspired and right for us… It will never imprison, subjugate or de-self…
The more we own our every choice and become more Aligned, the more we have our own back and can’t go wrong… So, start with every choice, start with the small ones… Just start Liberating yourself from your own imprisonment!
ASSIGNMENT: Plan for this weekend to find a quiet time/space for yourself to sit with yourself.
In your Journal, make a list of all the Freedoms you enjoy and all the choices you make that Align with your Authentic Self
Then, make a list of all the decisions and choices you’ve made, or didn’t make, that are restricting your freedom in your life…
Finally, pick one item from the 2nd list that you will address this week. An item where you will make a better decision or choice about it. Add an event to your calendar to address your item.
Note, what comes up for you. Take a moment to sit with the discomfort. Soothe yourself with deep breaths, and let it go…
Decide how you will celebrate the courage to take that action and add that to your calendar as well… Enjoy!!
Our lives are created one choice, one decision, at a time… Make yours good!
Complete the Assignment, and share your takeaway, insights, and results with a note in the Comments box at the end! I’d love to hear how you are using this content.
Copyright (c) 2020 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
Did you know that an important part of the Human Experience is Dreaming? And, I’m not referring about the dreaming we do when we are sleeping. Dreaming, having a vision, aspiring for something, yearning… This is what drives us forward and keeps us motivated… This is what keeps us engaged and Alive… This is where there is juice!
Have you allowed yourself to dream lately? And hey, I get that it’s hard to Dream when we are in survival mode, which unfortunately a lot of people are in right now. I’m sorry if this is you. But, this is the whole point, allowing ourselves to Dream actually sparks something that mitigates that survival, stuck, resigned, sad and hopeless state… This is actually an antidote for feeling yucky…
We can dream about anything… Engaging the imagination part of our brain is a fabulous recharging, reenergizing, and revitalizing tool. We can’t be in fear, lack, loss, stress and in creativity, imagination, and dreamy mode at the same time…
We can dream about anything… Allowing ourselves to Dream brings a tingle to our skin, a twinkle in our eyes, a surge in our heart. There is excitement, anticipation, drive, and focus that comes with dreaming. We have a target we are trying to acquire…
We can dream about anything… We can dream about our blooming garden and flowers. We can dream about new meal recipes. We can dream about hiking trails, yoga classes, or invigorating exercise routines. We can dream about Summer Plans.
We can dream about developing a new product or service. We can dream of travel, purchases, new habits. We can dream about Holiday Plans. We can dream about the New Year. We can dream about the next 3-Years, or 5, or 10, or 25 or 50. We can dream about being a centenarian. We can dream about living on Mars. We can dream about anything…
We can dream about having the most amazing relationship and strong partnership ever with our Partner… We can dream about anything… What do you like to dream about?
If you’ve been in a rut or struggling, take it slow. Start dreaming a little dream…
But do invest in Dreaming. This is the key to a living your Best Life…
To your Best Life!
ASSIGNMENT: Here is your chance to Dream… If you’ve been in a funk, you might experience some resistance to the concept. Just humor me… You can start with a tiny dream if that is easier…
Now, grab your Journal, or a way of capturing your Musings…, and have at it. Just capture everything about that Dream, dream it as if it’s already accomplished: I see beautiful blooms in my garden. I have fresh flowers in the home at all times. I enjoy the bouquet’s fragrance in the patio and the dining room. I gift others gorgeous blooms…
Notice the amazing feelings surging through you… Savor them…
Now this is the juice! This is how you inspire and motivate yourself… This is how you work on creating your Successful Relationship and Meaningful Life, your Best Life!
Complete the Assignment, and share your takeaway, insights, and results with a note in the Comments box at the end! I’d love to hear how you are using this content.
Copyright (c) 2020 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
Are you victimizing yourself, or are you being proactive in your life? Pick something to take charge of, to focus on, and Focus on it till you get the results you want… Let’s do this!
This applies to anything in your life, obviously your relationship as well… As I usually share, partners have a tendency to focus how their partner is being, how their partner is thinking or looking at something, how their partner is feeling, what their partner is doing, how their partner is spending their time, how their partner is grooming, how their partner goes to the bathroom (sarcasm)…
Partners are so other focused that they lose sight of Focusing on their side of things…
When partners focus on their partner’s side, they forget their own side – how to be nice, to show up with understanding and compassion, to nurture, to eat healthy, to own their calendar, etc. They put their energy on things outside their control and end up neglecting their side, and feeling like crap!
When partners focus on the other, they miss out on monitoring and addressing their own crooked/dirty thoughts, their inner critic, their negativity bias and confirmation bias, their limiting beliefs, their scripts, their shadows, their unspoken and even unknown expectations and so much more that is happening on their side…
Our relationship/interactions are %80 about us, how we show up, how we interpret what’s happening, and what we contribute.
Our relationship/interactions our %20 about our partner, how they show up, how they interpret what’s happening, and what they contribute…
Our relationship is the thoughts we have about it!
I bet you never thought of your relationship this way… You can make a case for being so in love with your partner, just as much as you can make a case for how your partner sucks. In the same conversation, with the same data! It all depends on what you choose to make of it…
If you choose to see your relationship through your Ego-fear based lens, you’ll will see how it’s not the relationship of your dreams, you will see your partner’s shortcomings, you will see their imperfections, you will see everything you don’t like about your partner and what they do, you will see everything that you think is wrong…
If you choose to see your relationship through your Heart-compassion based lens, you will see how your relationship is the relationship of your dreams, you will see your partner’s gifts and strengths, you will see their caring gestures and investments/efforts, you will see everything you love about them and what they do, you will see the work in progress and the Journey that you are both on, and how great it is…
If you are huffing and puffing at that, it’s OK. We are all on the spectrum of our personal evolution… It is not easy to see the silver-lining, the good, the opportunity and the rest of it. It is not easy to take the high-road. It is not easy to Focus on our side.
Our %80 can keep us busy, but this doesn’t mean we don’t address the %20 our partner is contributing to our pain. The key is to address it in the context of our %80 and with skill… Because we are “wronged” doesn’t mean we debase ourselves… It doesn’t mean we de-Self…
ASSIGNMENT: For the next few days, take note of where you usually place your Focus…
Notice how you are usually focusing on your partner’s %20, in terms of the relationship…
What is the Secondary Gain of focusing on your partner instead of Focusing on yourself? What do you get out of not Focusing on your side…? What is easier left alone, or ignored? What is not working in your life for you, outside of your partner?
How else do you distract yourself, aside from focusing and picking on your partner, from what you are supposed to be doing for yourself and in your Life?
Make a list of everything that is coming up. Separate out things you would like to be different in your life that are in your Sphere-of-Influence (in your Circle)… Don’t list the weather sucks, your partner sucks, your boss sucks. LOL You have no control over them… You can list that: You’d prefer to live in warmer weather climate, you’d like a different approach to Date Night with your partner, you don’t love your job or employment situation. You see how you can take actions and influence the outcome to meet your needs when you address stuff from your Circle.
Pick 1 item from your list to Focus on till you fully addressed it.
Have fun easily creating change in your relationship and your life, and feeling amazing as you do it! Enjoy!
Our job in this Human Experience is to do our side to the best of our ability and to keep striving for doing it better. To keep striving for Becoming our Best Self. Our partner is our playmate in this playground.
Let’s play nice!
Complete the Assignment, and share your takeaway, insights, and results with a note in the Comments box at the end! I’d love to hear how you are using this content.
Copyright (c) 2020 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
I know there are ebbs and flows to how we feel, as there are seasons in our lives (not just weather wise!). The trick is to hang in there during the lows and focus on snapping ourselves out of it, and to enjoy the highs while they last and focus on sustaining them the best we can.
I’ve gotten pretty darn good at this, where I can easily (naturally) create the highs and sustain them. Do I have tough days? Yes. Do I get upset, triggered, affected by life and all in it? Yes. But I do not let myself be taken or kept down, I’m in charge of me. How are you with this? Don’t feel bad if you haven’t mastered this yet, it does take practice. But know that it is possible for you as well!
The simple, but not necessarily easy, way to start being the master of your life, is to Own It All… As long as it’s yours, obviously. The problem is that people get enmeshed with others to the point that they don’t know what’s theirs… And, then go about life not owning their stuff and trying to own others’…
This creates a real mess in relationships, and it’s the easiest way to not get along, fight, and not get needs met. This is not how we create a Successful Relationship. And, this is certainly not the way you become the master of your life. LOL
Are you familiar with the Boundaries Circles concept yet? Here is a quick overview: Imagine there is an invisible string around you, at the height of your waist, at arm’s length, making a Circle around you. This is the Boundary of you.
Our job is to mind our circle and make the most of it to have our best Human Experience… Our job is to Own everything in it, all the time, to the best of our ability, and to keep working at getting better at it… When we don’t Own our stuff, we are at the mercy of others, circumstances, and the whim of the wind… This is the surest way to victimize ourselves…
When we don’t Own our stuff, we disempower ourselves. We are not in charge. We are not the CEO of our Life, the Author of our Story, the Artist of our Creation, the Master of our Universe… Actually, we are but we are sleeping on the job… If we did any other job this way, we’d be fired…
And, if you are doing your personal life like this, chances are you are also doing it in your employment, career or business… Hence, the poor income, raises, acknowledgement, promotions, achievement, accomplishments, revenue and the like… Just saying, don’t shoot the messenger…
I’m sure it’s obvious to you as well when in conversation with another if they have their s**t together. If they are their own boss. If they are designing and creating their own life, or if they are at the mercy of how the wind blows… If they are the Master of their Universe.
How about you? How in charge are you of your Experience? Are you fully Owning your Life? Are you fully owning everything in your circle? Or, do you still explain and make excuses? Blame others? Feel wronged? Look for answers outside yourself? Don’t know what to do? Feel stuck? Feel hopeless? Feel overwhelmed? Feel lost? Are at odds with your partner?
Which brings me to the next piece of this. When we don’t own our stuff, we love to own others’ specially our partner’s (sarcasm). We love going into their circle and telling them who they are, what they think, how they feel, what their intentions are, what they should do, when they should brush their teeth and the rest of it.
And, then you wonder how come your partner controls or shuts down… They are trying to survive you while they try to figure out their circle… When a partner feels insecure and lacking connection, they control, nag, criticize, judge and the like. When a partner feels suffocated and inadequate, they shutdown, withdraw, dismiss, stonewall and the like. How are you contributing to what you are getting in your relationship?
Yeah, right… You see, you create your reality…
ASSIGNMENT: Make a commitment to yourself right now that you will Fully Own your life going forward. Go for it, do it.
I know that feels exhilarating and also petrifying… You are not alone!
It is not easy to take responsibility for everything that goes right and wrong in your life. Hey, watch that – if you just balked… Yes, you are responsible for ALL of it.. You’ll have to get used to this idea… Be gently and compassionate with yourself about this.
No need to beat yourself up. Also, don’t coward, stay the course. This is the most challenging yet rewarding work you will ever do in your personal development, and relationship enrichment as well, I promise…
Pick an area of your life that seems unruly and in charge of you. What is kicking your butt? This is where you need to take responsibility and step up. This is where you need to start owning how you look at it, how you feel, and what you do about it… Don’t pout, throw your hands up, or shoot the messenger. This is it, if not now when?
Start small. Watch how you leave your circle, get into anther’s, and are not fully accountable for your own stuff. Bring yourself back, take charge of your own stuff. Address making changes, concerns and needs from your own circle, not from another’s (you have no power there!).
In your circle you are powerful… Embrace it, Own it! You can do it!
If you are looking to make changes in your life, this is the simplest concept to easily integrate. It helps you take charge of everything and create what you want… You can immediately empower yourself and start feeling great!
Own your circle today!
Complete the Assignment, and share your takeaway, insights, and results with a note in the Comments box at the end! I’d love to hear how you are using this content.
Happy Owning!
Copyright (c) 2020 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
I’m a therapist… I’m a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. I’m a Certified Imago Therapist (additional training in doing couples work). Hence, I specialize in working with couples. I’m often asked what’s my niche, what’s my thing… I specialize in working with codependent couples (partners having poor boundaries and self ownership…).
And, I further specialize in working with couples where apathy is ramped in their relationship. Where one partner is not involved, withdrawn, removed, difficult to engage, self absorbed and such. And, where the other partner is driven insane by this (not literally of course!).
This is the pattern that is so prevalent in couples. This is the pursuer-distancer dance.
Partners in this dance have a difficult time staying connected without loosing themselves… Therefore they strive for connection, but as soon as it gets too comfy they feel threatened. To deal with their unconscious fear, they pull their shenanigans that end up creating space for psychological, existential, safety.
The problem with this pattern is that the shenanigans and the space created are damaging to the relationship, the bond, respect for each other, and the self-esteem of the partners. This might create psychological safety, but this doesn’t meet our inherent need for connection and love. This is the gun we use to shoot ourselves on the foot. This is a disaster for relationships!
This is so damaging that when too pervasive it’s difficult to comeback from.
And, unfortunately, this is when couples come in for Couples Therapy… So, I want to do you a favor, and give you specifics about this pattern so you can catch it early and do something about it early before it’s too disruptive in your relationship. These are the characteristics I have identified in the Codependent Couple™ that create this debilitating dance:
The “I Don’t Give a *S—T” Partner – Underfunctioner in relationship, Minimizer (simplifies interactions/situations), Distancer (withdraws from interactions/situations), Rigid boundaries, Lets other take control / ownership / responsibility, Passive-aggressive …
Narrow range of emotions (shutdown), Narcissistic personality characteristics, Independent, “Me” oriented, Little access to memories, Needless / “clueless”, Dismissive, Left brain dominant (linear thinker, appears controlled / posed, reticent), usually Male
The “Oh, Poor Me” Partner – Overfunctioner in relationship, Maximizer (exaggerates interactions/situations), Pursuer (“hounds” in interactions/situations), Loose boundaries, Controlling of other / takes over / overly responsible, Manipulative …
The characteristics fall on a range. The couples that struggle the most are the most polarized.
Now, nothing is black and white and so clean cut in life. I’m sure there are characteristics in both groups that you can identify with. Please note, these do not define you! These are defense mechanisms, bad habits and lack of skills and tools… All of it can be changed!!
What I want you to do is to identify which group is more like you, most of the time, or in times of crisis, stress or transition. Once you identified your side. Your job is to become more moderate in the way you operate.
So, more specifically, your job is to pick one or two characteristics that get you the most in trouble, stuck, in your relationship and give it your all to moderate it. This is challenging as with any habit we try to change or any other self-growth or development endeavor we undertake. You’ll be out of your comfort zone for sure. But it is in this stretch that we heal, grow and evolve… And, how we create our awesome relationship to boot!
Remember to pick one or two to focus on. Don’t go overboard trying to change everything at once. You’ll only accomplish to trigger yourself and your partner (explanation beyond today’s writing), and to crash and burn! Instead, take baby steps in a massive way! To do this successfully:
Gratitude – Keep a Gratitude Practice™ where you stay in a state of appreciation through out the day (or as much as possible…). Your brain cannot physically be in a state of appreciation and fear at the same time…
Accountability – Share with others what you are trying to do and have them keep you accountable in a loving way.
Tracking – Keep a journal or other tracking of your feelings, experiences, impact, effects, results, etc.
Self-Care – Practice a lot of self-care to soothe your unconscious mind… You don’t want to undermine or sabotage your own efforts…
Reassurance – Your partner might become suspicious… Reassure them that you are investing in the relationship.
Support – Get support to help you see things differently so you can pursue operating differently, to learn the skills and tools you might need, to support your efforts, to cheerlead you, to help you tweak your investments for better results, and help you manage your Self…
Even if you are the only one changing the steps to the dance, the dance changes… As usual, focus on what you need to do to be the best you and the best partner, and you’ll soon be performing your best choreography yet! Complete the MetroRelationship™ Assignment below to help you effortlessly implement this, make changes and immediately start experiencing your awesome relationship, and Authentic Life… Happy Dancing!
~ Your MetroRelationship™Assignment
Ask your partner what they need from you this weekend. What would be a gesture, behavior, attitude, or such that would touch their heart? What is something they’ve been wanting from you that hasn’t happened yet, or could happen more? This is your chance to stretch…
For as soon as a partner is presented with such a question, you know you’ll be asked for something that is challenging for you to give… This is the beauty of our relationship. It’s a playground at the ready. Here we get to learn and practice new skills…
Go ahead, honor your commitment to yourself to heal, grow and evolve… Your partner is gifting you with the opportunity to stretch! Go about this respectfully, responsively, intentionally, and mindfully – no need to crash yourselves! Add this to your Tool Kit…
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
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Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT has been in the mental health profession in varying capacities for the past 20+ years. She is the Founder and Director of metrorelationship.com a psychotherapy and coaching practice specializing in working with busy professional and entrepreneurial couples who are struggling getting on the same page and feeling connected. The work helps couples create a radiant and successful relationship and meaningful life by becoming a strong partnership and increasing their connection, intimacy, and fun. Emma is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Relationship Strategy™.
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