It’s interesting that we can be in a relationship, in a marriage, and still feel lonely. Hey, we can be in a room full of people and still feel lonely. This is because the opposite of feeling lonely is feeling connected… You can be surrounded by people or spend all day with your partner and still not feel connected… This is because connection doesn’t just happen through mere physical proximity. Connection happens when we are present and engaged… You can stop feeling disconnected and lonely in your relationship.
~ The key is to fully show up, not just with our bodies but with all of ourselves. With our Best Self, with our Higher Self… For if we show up with an empty shell, there is nobody home for our partner to connect with…
~ And, if we show up with other versions of ourselves, with our victim or lower self, then we are not very attractive to connect with. We are actually repulsive… Our partner is likely to shy away or shut down in the presence of this…
If we are feeling lonely and disconnected, we have to check-in with ourselves and assess how we are showing up…
And please don’t lie to yourself… I see this all the time with our couples… Be honest, are you truly showing up with your best self, accepting, compassionate, and loving, or are you hiding resentment, judgement, and contempt?
But I get that sometimes it’s challenging to be present and available. To be vulnerable. To be curious, understanding and accepting. To give grace. To be forgiving. We might be depleted and not even available to ourselves…
So not feeling lonely and feeling connected has to do with connecting with ourselves first… Then we can turn to connecting with others and having meaningful connections…
In today’s video, I cover Element 4 of the Successful Relationship Strategy™, which is all about increasing connection, intimacy, and fun in your relationship, and I show you how to go about creating connection… Check it out!
PSS: Do you need support taking yourself, your relationship, and your life to the next level- actually living a healthy, happy, harmonious and overall abundant life?
Copyright (c) 2023 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication? Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Couple Strategy™ that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly connection notes in your inbox with Personal Development and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
You know when you don’t feel so hot physically or emotionally, how you are more sensitive to most things? And, even more so with your partner and how they are being? The things that you would normally let go or that wouldn’t necessarily bother you, in this state they are actually experienced as micro aggressions. And, when this happens you are both thrown for a loop… You can prevent pain and drama with self-regulation and co-regulation.
What does that mean? Self-regulation is the ability to manage our thoughts, feelings and behaviors in our Journey. More specifically, emotional self-regulation is our ability to manage disruptive feelings and impulses in the face of a trigger. It means having a moderate and appropriate response commensurate to the perceived infraction or stressor.
Co-regulation then is the ability of a person to manage their own responses in an interaction so that they are supportive to the other in managing their feelings and impulses. When one remains calm and soothing, their nervous system calms the other’s producing a feedback loop that is soothing to both…
When managing responses to help alleviate a situation and support the other, we’d use non-verbal safety cues, warmth, soothing tone of voice, communication that acknowledges distress, supportive silence if indicated, and an openness to discuss the experience.
Self-regulation is super important as a life skill… When we get good at self-regulating life becomes so much easier… We are not as triggerable and hypersensitive, we are more resilient, we are more steady and stronger… We feel solid, unshakable, and empowered… We feel good about ourselves and our abilities. It actually contributes to our self-esteem…
Most people usually don’t take this on as a personal project, unless they are into personal development, are in therapy or are a therapist. LOL
But this is not a bad thing to take seriously, and to take on as a personal development focus…
I can tell you, that the people that did the best this past year are the people who have done some personal development work and have increased their resilience level… I invite you to review posts from intense times during the pandemic for more on all this…
When we are more solid and not as easily perturbed by the silly things in life and our partner’s imperfections, we just have a much easier go of it… It shows in our state of mind on a daily basis, in our interactions with others, in our relationship with our loved ones, in our work, and in our life in general.
When we increase our self-regulation and our resilience increases as a byproduct, we are no longer blown by the wind and don’t spend our resources on primarily dealing with ourselves and the drama we create!
This means that we have more internal resources for the things that are important to us in life, and for creating our Best Life.
Furthermore, this means that we are able to create a radiant and successful relationship, our Best Relationship, with our partner as we are showing up steadier and more authentically. We are not showing up with noise and defenses… Can you see the full impact of this?
Improving your self-regulation
Pursuing improving self-regulation doesn’t have to be intimidating… It’s actually quite simple. It’s as easy as implementing a Self-care Practice…
A self-care practice is about taking care of yourself, Mothering yourself… It is about giving yourself love and nurturing. And, it’s about meeting your needs. When you embrace a self-care practice, you embrace a self-love practice… This is the reprogramming your brain needs to rewire itself and facilitate self-regulation…
Hey, if you are saying, Who has time for Self-Care, I encourage you to revisit that limiting belief… Where there is a will there is a way. For example, my next door neighbor power walks up and down her driveway (as her children are home) while on work calls to fit in her daily exercise. Bam!
Now, I’m not suggesting or encouraging anyone to multitask this way. But, I am suggesting that you can figure it out if you want to. It’s all about building inhabits into your daily routine to support your efforts. Building in habits into your routine is an effective way to self-manage, as you become more intentional about your day and preventative of chaos, stress and triggers…
Improving your self-management, improving your self-regulation, increasing your resilience, and increasing your self-esteem are all fabulous attributes to pursue as these significantly contribute to the quality of your relationship and your life…
When you are less triggerable and are able to stand still and not get blown by the wind, you are able to be available and present for your partner and your relationship… You are able to show up calmly, soothingly and compassionately to an interaction, and hence you are able to contribute to co-regulation as needed…
Additionally, when you show up better, you are less likely to trigger your partner in turn allowing them to show up properly for you and also contribute to co-regulation… Tada!
There is a built-in feedback-loop in the reciprocity of the interactions. This is how you change relationship patterns and dynamics…
I hope you get how powerful and impactful this concept is. And, that you can make a huge difference in your relationship and your life with as simple a tactic as implement a Self-Care Practice through (Wellness) Habits in your Daily Routine…
ASSIGNMENT: What say you? Ready now to implement a Self-Care Practice, or uplevel one you might already have? We can always stand to evolve more… (Wink!)
1) Take stock of activities in your life that are meant to give yourself care and love. Don’t judge or shame yourself. Whatever you are at, it’s ok. Remember, you are on a Journey…
2) Check out our blog for prior blog posts on Self-care and YouTube for inspiration and ideas of other activities that would replenish and enrich you. The idea is to appropriately give yourself more Love.
3) Choose 3 activities you’d like to implement, create Habit behaviors of them, and integrate them into your Daily Routine.
Before you know it, you’ll see a massive difference on how grounded, steady and strong you feel. And, you’ll notice what a difference it’s making in your days and in your relationship. Go at it and fun with it!
As with anything, when you bring consciousness, focus and attention to something, Awesomeness happens. I wish this for you in your life and your relationship.
Wishing you much joy, connection and love today and always…
Copyright (c) 2021 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Couple Strategy™ that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly connection notes in your inbox with Personal Development and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com
Do you feel like you are spinning your wheels and getting nowhere fast in your life? Do you feel like your world got turned upside down and you don’t know what’s up or down? Do you feel exhausted and completely unmotivated? Do you feel like are banging around without purpose and alone? Do you feel disconnected from your partner and like you are both just floating around?
You are not alone. Imagine a gigantic hand grabbed the world this past year and shook it and shook it. Everything is rattled and out of place. We are just now beginning to get up and look around to see where everything landed…
We are disoriented and shaken up… We might have a blurry vision, a ringing in our ears, a cloudy head, an upset stomach, shortness of breath, and some aches and pains… (metaphorically, and possibly quite literal as well…) We haven’t fully righted ourselves yet…
We have barely started to enter the aftermath of this unprecedented global phenomenon. We want to be done with it already, but there is no sense in rushing what is… There is good stuff here for us to take away, and I’m not sure the full message has been received yet… Hence, the continuation of this challenge…
Our job in all this is to figure out what it means for our own personal Human Experience and what we are to do with it…
What are the challenges that you are experiencing and what do they mean for you in the context of your Life…? See if you can step back from the everyday practical impact, and recognize what else is being spotlighted for you…
Let’s look at: What is our growth place? What do we need to heal? What do we need to integrate? How do we need to stretch? What do we need to learn? How do we need to grow, develop and evolve?
You might be throwing your hands up in the air right about now in frustration because you think you have no clue.
Or worse yet, you are suffering but are still rejecting all notions about personal development as the answer and are experiencing resistance… But I implore you to open your mind, ever so slightly, soothe that ego, and see if there isn’t the remote chance that this is the way out…
Look at what gets you. What repeating triggers, annoyances and patterns do you experience in your life? What is the usual and common feeling that you contend with day in and day out? What is the story you kept telling yourself is the issue in your life? Where do you feel stuck? Where do you want to be that you haven’t been able to get to yet? Do you even know where you want to be?
SO, I direct you to embracing a Relationship Enrichment Lifestyle™ to assist you with all this…
What is a Relationship Enrichment Lifestyle™ and how can it help?
The Relationship Enrichment Lifestyle™ is a new approach to our life… Where the answer is living consciously, intentionally, with an open heart, and in connection… These are core tenets of the Relationship Enrichment Lifestyle™ protocol…
The Relationship Enrichment Lifestyle™
The Relationship Enrichment Lifestyle™ is comprised of three parts:
I – The Joint Vision II – The 5 Elements of the Successful Couple Strategy™ [a.k.a., The Strategy]
Watch the Video to learn more and complete the Assignment below!
ASSIGNMENT: Make a commitment to embrace a Relationship Enrichment Lifestyle™:
I –The Joint Vision – Design Your Joint Vision:Envision your own and have your partner do the same (think what you want in each area of life, what you’d like your life to be in 1, 5, 10, 25 years from now). Share your visions with each other, iron out any discrepancies, and integrate new pieces to create your Joint Vision… This is what you are working towards…
II – The 5 Elements of the Successful Couple Strategy™ – Work The Strategy: Focusing on The Strategy Element that needs the most attention, make sure are intentional about your mindset, communication, self-regulation and reprogramming, connection and collaboration on a daily basis…
III – Living Your Intentional Ideal Day – Live with Gusto and Intention: Design your Ideal Day using TimeMapping and TimeChunking for more focus, efficiency and flow… Add in your repeating behaviors, your tactics and habits, to help you achieve your goals… Make sure you use Intentional Habits, Wellness, Connection & Success Habits.
As with anything, when you bring consciousness, focus and attention to something, Awesomeness happens. I wish this for you in your life and your relationship.
Wishing you much joy, connection and love today and always…
Copyright (c) 2021 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Couple Strategy™ that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly connection notes in your inbox with Personal Development and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com
Sometimes things don’t seem to be working out the way we’d prefer in our life and our relationship. We don’t lose the weight. We don’t get the promotion or hit our sales target. We haven’t gotten engaged yet. We keep having the same fight. There is a reason for this. The reason is that we are getting in our own way…
Now, I say with lots of love and compassion, for who wants to hear it’s their fault they are having a hard time. Right?
But the reality is that we are carrying on in a way that doesn’t allow us to create our best relationship and best life. Here are a few things that are getting in our way…
We have:
1 – A victim and powerless mentality, a negativity bias, poor boundaries and lack of personal ownership
2 – Lacking communication skills, inability to apologize or apologize well, no repair know-how and how to make amends
3 – Unresolved wounds and repeating patterns, poor self-regulation, no self-care practice
4 – A guarded heart, low connection and intimacy ability, lack of relationship prioritization
5 – Distractions, over commitment, disorganization, no collaboration system
When we don’t attend to our own healing, growth, development and evolution, we get in our own way of having the relationship and life we want. We are only able to create as far as how we are operating allows us to go…
We can only create as far as we have with how we currently are.
To continue to create our best relationship and our best life, we need to continue to create our best selves…
We can’t change our world if we don’t change first, it’s impossible:
1 – We can’t see the beauty that is our Partner if we continue to blame everything on them and lack personal ownership…
2 – We can’t communicate better if we don’t improve our communication skills.
3 – We can’t stay steady in the face of a trigger or a fight if we can’t self-regulate, if we lack resilience.
4 – We can’t connect and have intimacy, passion and fun if we don’t make time for our partner and relationship and have a guarded heart.
5 – We can’t have a joyful, peaceful, harmonious and lovely home if we can’t collaborate in running our joint life…
So, you see whatever is troubling you, whatever you haven’t been able to achieve yet, it’s because you are getting in your own way… Sorry, don’t shoot the messenger. LOL
But you can create what you want after all. You just have to go about it a bit differently than you have been…
When you keep having the same fight…
You keep having the same fight because:
1 – You keep looking at your partner the same way. You keep doing the same things that bother your partner.
2 – You keep addressing their disappointment or complaint the same way.
3- You chase them or push them away as usual.
4 – You don’t consistently give them love in their love language.
5 – And, your ego gets in the way about how things should be done.
Well? You see what predicament you get yourself in?
Do you see that any change in any of these areas would give you a different outcome? How you actually have control over how things play out…?
You are super powerful. When you decide that you’ll show up differently and set that intention, you do. And, when you do, so does your partner… Voila!
Of course, I don’t want to oversimplify this. I know that the best of intentions don’t always stick… But therein lays information for your use as well, to help you continue to heal, grow and develop.
The more you work your intentions and learn from what doesn’t work, the more you can change, and the more you change, the more you can address your world and your partner differently…
And that is all it takes to create something different, to create the relationship and life you want.
ASSIGNMENT: Decide that you mean business and that you will change so you can create change in your relationship and your life…
I – Take note that the items in the lists above are related the 5 Elements of the Successful Couple Strategy™:
1 – Context & Mindset
2 – Communication & Alignment
3 – Clarity & Dynamics
4 – Connection & Intimacy
5 – Collaboration & Partnership
II – Identify the Element that needs most of your attention
III – Play with that Element until you acquire some mastery, for example:
1 – Embrace a Relationship Enrichment Mindset (your partner is your Partner with a couple P…)
2 – Improve communication, apology and repair skills
3 – Identify your wounds and triggers, change your response to your partner’s, implement a rich self-care practice
4 – Set up Connection Habits, implement a Dating Partner Protocol, safe-guard couple time
5 – Simplify your life and cut down on commitments, establish a Collaboration System
IV – Move on to the other Elements that also need attention, keep cycling through them till you see your Transformation…
As with anything, when you bring consciousness, focus and attention to something, Awesomeness happens. I wish this for you in your life and your relationship.
Wishing you much joy, connection and love today and always…
Copyright (c) 2021 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Couple Strategy™ that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly connection notes in your inbox with Personal Development and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com
It is not uncommon for us to become so tunnel vision in our experience that we miss the forest for the tree. We focus on what’s not working, how we’ve been wronged, what we don’t like, how much we have to do, and all the miseries of life.
We tend to overwork, neglect ourselves and our loved ones. We are far from living our Best Life and creating our Best Relationship… We can focus and work differently instead… And, we can implement pleasure and delight habits…
Why pleasure and delight habits? Great question. As I’ve been embracing the concept of doing my life with more Ease, these have been coming up… And, how glorious they are! They simply make life easier and more enjoyable… They profoundly add to creating our best life and relationship…
Now, I’m not talking about debauchery, far from it. I’m talking about creating space, grace and inspired flow in our daily routine. I’m talking about being gentle and compassionate with ourselves, and others. And, of course, I’m talking about enjoying simple pleasures.
It costs almost nothing to meditate, savor clean food, drink water, enjoy herbal teas, play with our pet, frolic in nature, witness a sunset, star gaze, take a bath, read a good book, be moved by music and such.
It definitely costs nothing to be present in a conversation and bask in the interaction with a loved one, and even a stranger.
And better yet, it really does cost nothing to do things we know will Delight our partner…
Watch the Video to learn more and complete the Assignment below!
ASSIGNMENT: Embrace this opportunity for more pleasure and delight in your life…
Clean up your daily routine. Reclaim and own your time! Get rid of time wasters. Make sure you have focus, transition and Free time.
Add a daily Simple Pleasure habit
Add a daily Delight Partner habit
Implement a Habits Tracking System as what you measure improves…
As with anything, when you bring consciousness, focus and attention to something, Awesomeness happens. I wish this for you in your life and your relationship.
Wishing you much joy, connection and love today and always…
Copyright (c) 2021 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Couple Strategy™ that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly connection notes in your inbox with Personal Development and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com
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Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT has been in the mental health profession in varying capacities for the past 20+ years. She is the Founder and Director of metrorelationship.com a psychotherapy and coaching practice specializing in working with busy professional and entrepreneurial couples who are struggling getting on the same page and feeling connected. The work helps couples create a radiant and successful relationship and meaningful life by becoming a strong partnership and increasing their connection, intimacy, and fun. Emma is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Relationship Strategy™.
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