Did you know that an important part of the Human Experience is Dreaming? And, I’m not referring about the dreaming we do when we are sleeping. Dreaming, having a vision, aspiring for something, yearning… This is what drives us forward and keeps us motivated… This is what keeps us engaged and Alive… This is where there is juice!
Have you allowed yourself to dream lately? And hey, I get that it’s hard to Dream when we are in survival mode, which unfortunately a lot of people are in right now. I’m sorry if this is you. But, this is the whole point, allowing ourselves to Dream actually sparks something that mitigates that survival, stuck, resigned, sad and hopeless state… This is actually an antidote for feeling yucky…
We can dream about anything… Engaging the imagination part of our brain is a fabulous recharging, reenergizing, and revitalizing tool. We can’t be in fear, lack, loss, stress and in creativity, imagination, and dreamy mode at the same time…
We can dream about anything… Allowing ourselves to Dream brings a tingle to our skin, a twinkle in our eyes, a surge in our heart. There is excitement, anticipation, drive, and focus that comes with dreaming. We have a target we are trying to acquire…
We can dream about anything… We can dream about our blooming garden and flowers. We can dream about new meal recipes. We can dream about hiking trails, yoga classes, or invigorating exercise routines. We can dream about Summer Plans.
We can dream about developing a new product or service. We can dream of travel, purchases, new habits. We can dream about Holiday Plans. We can dream about the New Year. We can dream about the next 3-Years, or 5, or 10, or 25 or 50. We can dream about being a centenarian. We can dream about living on Mars. We can dream about anything…
We can dream about having the most amazing relationship and strong partnership ever with our Partner… We can dream about anything… What do you like to dream about?
If you’ve been in a rut or struggling, take it slow. Start dreaming a little dream…
But do invest in Dreaming. This is the key to a living your Best Life…
To your Best Life!
ASSIGNMENT: Here is your chance to Dream… If you’ve been in a funk, you might experience some resistance to the concept. Just humor me… You can start with a tiny dream if that is easier…
Now, grab your Journal, or a way of capturing your Musings…, and have at it. Just capture everything about that Dream, dream it as if it’s already accomplished: I see beautiful blooms in my garden. I have fresh flowers in the home at all times. I enjoy the bouquet’s fragrance in the patio and the dining room. I gift others gorgeous blooms…
Notice the amazing feelings surging through you… Savor them…
Now this is the juice! This is how you inspire and motivate yourself… This is how you work on creating your Successful Relationship and Meaningful Life, your Best Life!
Complete the Assignment, and share your takeaway, insights, and results with a note in the Comments box at the end! I’d love to hear how you are using this content.
Copyright (c) 2020 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
Are you victimizing yourself, or are you being proactive in your life? Pick something to take charge of, to focus on, and Focus on it till you get the results you want… Let’s do this!
This applies to anything in your life, obviously your relationship as well… As I usually share, partners have a tendency to focus how their partner is being, how their partner is thinking or looking at something, how their partner is feeling, what their partner is doing, how their partner is spending their time, how their partner is grooming, how their partner goes to the bathroom (sarcasm)…
Partners are so other focused that they lose sight of Focusing on their side of things…
When partners focus on their partner’s side, they forget their own side – how to be nice, to show up with understanding and compassion, to nurture, to eat healthy, to own their calendar, etc. They put their energy on things outside their control and end up neglecting their side, and feeling like crap!
When partners focus on the other, they miss out on monitoring and addressing their own crooked/dirty thoughts, their inner critic, their negativity bias and confirmation bias, their limiting beliefs, their scripts, their shadows, their unspoken and even unknown expectations and so much more that is happening on their side…
Our relationship/interactions are %80 about us, how we show up, how we interpret what’s happening, and what we contribute.
Our relationship/interactions our %20 about our partner, how they show up, how they interpret what’s happening, and what they contribute…
Our relationship is the thoughts we have about it!
I bet you never thought of your relationship this way… You can make a case for being so in love with your partner, just as much as you can make a case for how your partner sucks. In the same conversation, with the same data! It all depends on what you choose to make of it…
If you choose to see your relationship through your Ego-fear based lens, you’ll will see how it’s not the relationship of your dreams, you will see your partner’s shortcomings, you will see their imperfections, you will see everything you don’t like about your partner and what they do, you will see everything that you think is wrong…
If you choose to see your relationship through your Heart-compassion based lens, you will see how your relationship is the relationship of your dreams, you will see your partner’s gifts and strengths, you will see their caring gestures and investments/efforts, you will see everything you love about them and what they do, you will see the work in progress and the Journey that you are both on, and how great it is…
If you are huffing and puffing at that, it’s OK. We are all on the spectrum of our personal evolution… It is not easy to see the silver-lining, the good, the opportunity and the rest of it. It is not easy to take the high-road. It is not easy to Focus on our side.
Our %80 can keep us busy, but this doesn’t mean we don’t address the %20 our partner is contributing to our pain. The key is to address it in the context of our %80 and with skill… Because we are “wronged” doesn’t mean we debase ourselves… It doesn’t mean we de-Self…
ASSIGNMENT: For the next few days, take note of where you usually place your Focus…
Notice how you are usually focusing on your partner’s %20, in terms of the relationship…
What is the Secondary Gain of focusing on your partner instead of Focusing on yourself? What do you get out of not Focusing on your side…? What is easier left alone, or ignored? What is not working in your life for you, outside of your partner?
How else do you distract yourself, aside from focusing and picking on your partner, from what you are supposed to be doing for yourself and in your Life?
Make a list of everything that is coming up. Separate out things you would like to be different in your life that are in your Sphere-of-Influence (in your Circle)… Don’t list the weather sucks, your partner sucks, your boss sucks. LOL You have no control over them… You can list that: You’d prefer to live in warmer weather climate, you’d like a different approach to Date Night with your partner, you don’t love your job or employment situation. You see how you can take actions and influence the outcome to meet your needs when you address stuff from your Circle.
Pick 1 item from your list to Focus on till you fully addressed it.
Have fun easily creating change in your relationship and your life, and feeling amazing as you do it! Enjoy!
Our job in this Human Experience is to do our side to the best of our ability and to keep striving for doing it better. To keep striving for Becoming our Best Self. Our partner is our playmate in this playground.
Let’s play nice!
Complete the Assignment, and share your takeaway, insights, and results with a note in the Comments box at the end! I’d love to hear how you are using this content.
Copyright (c) 2020 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
I know there are ebbs and flows to how we feel, as there are seasons in our lives (not just weather wise!). The trick is to hang in there during the lows and focus on snapping ourselves out of it, and to enjoy the highs while they last and focus on sustaining them the best we can.
I’ve gotten pretty darn good at this, where I can easily (naturally) create the highs and sustain them. Do I have tough days? Yes. Do I get upset, triggered, affected by life and all in it? Yes. But I do not let myself be taken or kept down, I’m in charge of me. How are you with this? Don’t feel bad if you haven’t mastered this yet, it does take practice. But know that it is possible for you as well!
The simple, but not necessarily easy, way to start being the master of your life, is to Own It All… As long as it’s yours, obviously. The problem is that people get enmeshed with others to the point that they don’t know what’s theirs… And, then go about life not owning their stuff and trying to own others’…
This creates a real mess in relationships, and it’s the easiest way to not get along, fight, and not get needs met. This is not how we create a Successful Relationship. And, this is certainly not the way you become the master of your life. LOL
Are you familiar with the Boundaries Circles concept yet? Here is a quick overview: Imagine there is an invisible string around you, at the height of your waist, at arm’s length, making a Circle around you. This is the Boundary of you.
Our job is to mind our circle and make the most of it to have our best Human Experience… Our job is to Own everything in it, all the time, to the best of our ability, and to keep working at getting better at it… When we don’t Own our stuff, we are at the mercy of others, circumstances, and the whim of the wind… This is the surest way to victimize ourselves…
When we don’t Own our stuff, we disempower ourselves. We are not in charge. We are not the CEO of our Life, the Author of our Story, the Artist of our Creation, the Master of our Universe… Actually, we are but we are sleeping on the job… If we did any other job this way, we’d be fired…
And, if you are doing your personal life like this, chances are you are also doing it in your employment, career or business… Hence, the poor income, raises, acknowledgement, promotions, achievement, accomplishments, revenue and the like… Just saying, don’t shoot the messenger…
I’m sure it’s obvious to you as well when in conversation with another if they have their s**t together. If they are their own boss. If they are designing and creating their own life, or if they are at the mercy of how the wind blows… If they are the Master of their Universe.
How about you? How in charge are you of your Experience? Are you fully Owning your Life? Are you fully owning everything in your circle? Or, do you still explain and make excuses? Blame others? Feel wronged? Look for answers outside yourself? Don’t know what to do? Feel stuck? Feel hopeless? Feel overwhelmed? Feel lost? Are at odds with your partner?
Which brings me to the next piece of this. When we don’t own our stuff, we love to own others’ specially our partner’s (sarcasm). We love going into their circle and telling them who they are, what they think, how they feel, what their intentions are, what they should do, when they should brush their teeth and the rest of it.
And, then you wonder how come your partner controls or shuts down… They are trying to survive you while they try to figure out their circle… When a partner feels insecure and lacking connection, they control, nag, criticize, judge and the like. When a partner feels suffocated and inadequate, they shutdown, withdraw, dismiss, stonewall and the like. How are you contributing to what you are getting in your relationship?
Yeah, right… You see, you create your reality…
ASSIGNMENT: Make a commitment to yourself right now that you will Fully Own your life going forward. Go for it, do it.
I know that feels exhilarating and also petrifying… You are not alone!
It is not easy to take responsibility for everything that goes right and wrong in your life. Hey, watch that – if you just balked… Yes, you are responsible for ALL of it.. You’ll have to get used to this idea… Be gently and compassionate with yourself about this.
No need to beat yourself up. Also, don’t coward, stay the course. This is the most challenging yet rewarding work you will ever do in your personal development, and relationship enrichment as well, I promise…
Pick an area of your life that seems unruly and in charge of you. What is kicking your butt? This is where you need to take responsibility and step up. This is where you need to start owning how you look at it, how you feel, and what you do about it… Don’t pout, throw your hands up, or shoot the messenger. This is it, if not now when?
Start small. Watch how you leave your circle, get into anther’s, and are not fully accountable for your own stuff. Bring yourself back, take charge of your own stuff. Address making changes, concerns and needs from your own circle, not from another’s (you have no power there!).
In your circle you are powerful… Embrace it, Own it! You can do it!
If you are looking to make changes in your life, this is the simplest concept to easily integrate. It helps you take charge of everything and create what you want… You can immediately empower yourself and start feeling great!
Own your circle today!
Complete the Assignment, and share your takeaway, insights, and results with a note in the Comments box at the end! I’d love to hear how you are using this content.
Happy Owning!
Copyright (c) 2020 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
We observe that, we assign it meaning and have thoughts and opinions about it
Which create how we feel, our mood, our energy…
Which in turn inform how we react, operate, and behave
And, what we do and how we show up creates our results, our life and everything in it…
What’s important to note here is that what happens or what Is doesn’t impact how we feel, how we choose to look at it and think about it is what impacts how we feel… This is a major concept to absorb. The sooner you get it the sooner you’ll be in charge of your experience, and creating the life and relationship you desire…
This is very obvious to me in my work as what bothers one partner might not necessarily bother another. What is a thing in a relationship, is not a thing in another… If the thing that Is were the issue, it would be an issue for everyone…
We all make of things what we make of them, and this is what informs and creates our experience… When we remove the bias, sensitivity, judgment, criticism, and the like, and observe something as neutral, as just what Is, and choose how we look at it – ah, now we are in charge of our experience, of our feelings and what we create. Now we are the Master of our world…
So, back to couples. I’m sure you’ve noticed that how you experience the moments and exchanges in your relationship might be very different to how your partner experiences them… Again, this is super obvious in sessions with our clients. They share an incident, situation or something they want to address and they both had their own experience of it… Surprise! LOL
And, they are both right. This is very frustrating to the partners as they each want to be right… But, both their experiences are right. They are each partners’ truths. Therefore, both valid…
I remember a client, who being from a different country and with tentative English at times, would say, You cancel me! That was so amazing to witness. The different use of language was so illustrative. One partner’s experience does not supersede or invalidate the other’s.
The key is to hold space for both experiences, to understand each other, and to show the other that we get them and appreciate them, warts and all… Now, that is a Gift!
This brings me to what is the best Relationship Mindset so you CAN create your Successful Relationship:
–Your partner is your Partner with capital P. They are your Person… They are the person you chose, usually unwittingly and contrary to your belief that you “chose” them for whatever reason you think… Our attraction is actually an unconscious process… Understanding this helps in understanding that your partner is actually the partner you need… The match is For you. You are together to work stuff out, to evolve and to Become your true self…
–Your partner is therefore a Gift for you. For in relationship with them your sensitivities get poked, you get triggered, you are challenged, you are annoyed and therein lies the opportunity for growth and evolution… Allowing the inconvenience of this to torture us is a shame.
–Your partner is your Ally against the dynamics that were unconsciously created and the patterns you cocreate and repeat. These are opportunities for development and healing. To become frustrated, stuck and give up is a tremendous loss. Our relationship and life are much easier when we are Allies vs enemies…
–Your partner is also human, and having a Human Experience… It is unfair to expect them to be perfect. It is unfair, unwise, to want them to change and be who you think they should be or how they should be. It is unfair to expect them to meet all your needs.
It is unfair to expect them to mindread you, automatically know what you need and have their world revolve around you… You want to make sure you live your Life to the fullest through a wonderfully flowing Interdependence, not dependence, independence or codependence…
–Though you are a couple, a partnership, you are still two separate individuals with your own Lives… Your partner brings with them their own Journey, purpose, mission, talents and passions. When you are on the same page and synchronized you get to Synergize and Align… From this place you Create Awesomeness…
When you embrace this perspective and mindset, you are able to observe what is happening with a much different lens and:
Now you are not owning, blaming, criticizing, shaming, judging and the like.
Now you are much more likely to understand, give grace, be flexible, have compassion and the like.
You see the difference? When you take the higher road,Transcend the mundane and the imperfection, you’ll see possibilities, you’ll see beauty, you’ll see Gifts, you’ll see Love, and you’ll feel great and you’ll find the way and you’ll create what you Desire… Now this is what I’m talking about!
So, mind your mind! Choose your Mindset. Be vigilant about sticking with Transcendental thinking and coming back to it when you go a little sideways (thinking your partner is out to get you, that they don’t care, that it can’t work because you are too different, etc.).
Be always cleaning your thinking for then you’ll feel better, you’ll show up better, and you’ll get better results!
ASSIGNMENT: Take stock of your relationship, your partner, and your life together.
Notice, that all that you came up with are your thoughts. There might be some facts in there (like you’ve been married for this long, you have two children, your partner is taller than you, you own your home, you have such networth, and the like). The rest are mere thoughts, stories you make up about the relationship and your partner…
These thoughts influence how you feel in the relationship and your life, about your relationship, and about your partner. It’s time to course correct and Align with the Successful Relationship Mindset (SRM)…
A- Revisit what you came up with and reframe it according to the SRM.
B- Answer these:
1- How is your partner the partner you need? What dynamics are you cocreating to have a chance at healing and evolving?
2- How does your partner trigger your sensitivities? How can you respond differently?
3- What sensitivities do you trigger in your partner? How can you be mindful not to do so?
4- How can you support your Partner’s Journey? What do you need to ask of your Partner for them to better support your Journey?
5- What do you need to get on the same page about? What do you need to put in place to synchronize?
Select a list item above to play with this upcoming week: Observe. Be curious. Question. Discuss. Address. Let go. Uplevel. Get support. Keep on.
When you embrace a Successful Relationship Mindset, EVERYTHING changes…
When you choose to think clean and beautifully, when you embrace a Successful Relationship Mindset, you Empower yourself, you see your Partner in their Truth and Essence, and you Know you CAN create a Successful Relationship…
Here is to creating your radiant, authentic and successful relationship!
Complete the Assignment, and share your takeaway, insights, and results with a note in the Comments box at the end! I’d love to hear how you are using this content.
Happy Upleveling!
Copyright (c) 2020 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
Are you setting yourself up for your Best Year Yet? I want to help, this is what we’ll do…
First though, I’d like to point something out. I’m sure you’ve noticed that even though we specialize in working with couples, that my writing focuses on bringing out your Best Self to play… I cover this from a lot of different angles bringing it back around to the context of the relationship…
The reason for this is that we have a tendency to get in our own way, and then are not able to show up with our Best Self to our Relationship… The focus is on taking charge of ourselves to create the relationship and life we desire. This personal development is hugely important if we are to have our Best Life.
So, for the next several weeks to ease us right into the New Year, I’ll be covering very specific Relationship Success topics with the usual personal angle and flair. The idea is to prime the pump if you may to setup your relationship for its next level of awesomeness in the New Year. Eh?
Today’s topic – Feeling Stuck. Feeling Stuck is a very common feeling for couples. Partners feel stuck in a variety of ways. Here are some popular ones:
Not moving to the next level of commitment – moving in together, getting engaged, getting married
Not feeling close – feeling like ships passing in the night, disinterest from the other, not being a priority
Not feeling supported – having different preferences for leisure, in-laws issues, conflicting parenting styles, financial management concerns, general disapproval
Not progressing in life – having children, getting the first home or moving out of a starter home, having better jobs or positions, increasing business revenue or impact
Not feeling great in the relationship – experiencing a general sense of dissatisfaction, boredom, apathy, unhappiness
Feeling Stuck is par for the course in relationship at some point or another in its lifespan. Being in a successful relationship is one of the most challenging undertakings in life, with successful parenting being a close second… It is bound to have difficulties, challenges, and ups-and-downs. It is not easy to create a Radiant Joint Life where there is just the right balance of coupling and individualism, and of merging of two lives…
The fact that Feeling Stuck is normal at some point in our relationship doesn’t make it any easier. And, the fact that it’s normal doesn’t mean that we grin and bear it and wait for it to pass. We have to be intentional about addressing it properly or it can end up having severe consequences on the relationship and our life.
Of course, it would be even better to be preventative and hardly at all if ever have to experience this. But usually we learn how to be preventative of future stuckness by going through this at least once… It’s not something we usually start with, “Hm, let me make sure I don’t Feel Stuck at any point in the relationship”…
So, if you are Feeling Stuck, don’t worry you are not alone and know that you can change this. Sometimes when the feeling strikes it feels so numbing, uncomfortable, devastating, hopeless and such that the only way to alleviate the feeling is to get the heck out. But, don’t be rash in making this decision. Stuckness doesn’t have to be pervasive. You can get beyond it and create the relationship you desire… Only you can decide if it’s worth the investment.
It takes commitment to weather the storm, to hang in there, to address the uncomfortableness, to make changes. This is definitely not for the faint of heart. It takes courage to have faith and stay committed when faced with what seem indicators to the contrary.
Others in your life might question your sanity. You might question your sanity. But, it’s during this hesitation and ambivalence that we need to let go of ego and soften our heart…
It’s during our ambivalence that we are the most vulnerable and make rash decisions. I hear often that people wish they would have tried harder or differently to save a prior marriage or relationship.
Note, this is trickier to do when there are severe issues in the relationship – affairs, addictions, mental illness, or others. It doesn’t mean it can’t be done but be prepared for an intense ride. In this platform, I’m not talking to these situations for they require a little more TLC.
It’s during the ambivalence that we have to put our Feeling Stuck into proper Context and not lose sight of the forest for the tree… It is during this time that we have to Transcend our noise, our nitpicking, our stubborn position, our judgement and criticism, our arrogance and high-horse, and such.
It is during this time that we get in touch with what is important to us, why we are in this in the first place, who we actually are and the possibilities, who are partner actually is and the possibilities, the potential…
This is not so easy to do, but boy is it empowering if you are able to get out of your own way and see… For this becomes your Why, the inspiration, the driver, and the strength. This is what’s needed to stay the course. This is how it’s easier to stay committed…
From a committed place you have strength to do what it takes to create change. A key approach is to deconstruct the stories and scripts you have running through your mind, and see how you are cocreating the Stuckness… It is imperative that you take full ownership of your side in it. This is the only place you have control and power. When you exercise your agency, you can create change…
ASSIGNMENT: Make a date with yourself to have an empowering sit down. Create a time free of distractions that is cozy, soothing and restorative.
During this time, explore the story of your relationship. Look at it from every single angle. The only caveat is that you look at it as to how you’ve been in it, from inception until now…
What have been your strengths, your contributions, and your gifts?
What have been your weaknesses, defenses, and erosions? It’s ok to see how your partner might have induced these from you… But it’s NOT ok to blame your partner for the state of things, or for how you chose to react and be… All of that is ultimately on you!
Take full ownership for your side of things… This is where the Transformation starts…
Once you get a taste for how liberating and empowering this is, you’ll feel like a new person. This is how the Stuckness starts to breakdown… This is where the juice is! This is a worthy undertaking for from here anything is possible… Milk this feeling and keep coming back to it. Carry it into the New Year and beyond.
Stay tuned for next week’s issue on a Communication topic…
Complete the Assignment, and share your takeaway, insights, and results with a note in the Comments box at the end! I’d love to hear how you are using this content.
Happy Deconstructing!
Copyright (c) 2019 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
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Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT has been in the mental health profession in varying capacities for the past 20+ years. She is the Founder and Director of metrorelationship.com a psychotherapy and coaching practice specializing in working with busy professional and entrepreneurial couples who are struggling getting on the same page and feeling connected. The work helps couples create a radiant and successful relationship and meaningful life by becoming a strong partnership and increasing their connection, intimacy, and fun. Emma is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Relationship Strategy™.
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