Missing love, how is your connection and intimacy? (PT4)

Missing love, how is your connection and intimacy? (PT4)

Nobody likes to feel disconnected from their partner. Partners might like to have time to themselves and do their own thing. But they like to have that while still feeling connected. Feeling disconnected, not in a good place, not on the same page, not in alignment, not together or not close, intimate and special – doesn’t feel good. Missing love, how is your connection and intimacy?

We’ve already established that we have not only been in a Pandemic but also undergoing, and this is not just during the pandemic, a low desire and lack of intimacy Epidemic

After the Infatuation and honeymoon period of a relationship, couples then enter a Power Struggle. While in the honeymoon period the partners are all about pleasing and wooing their partner. In the Power Struggle stage, the partners are all about making sure they themselves are pleased, their needs are met, and they get what they want.

As you can imagine as partners are usually opposite in their relationship, their needs are usually also opposite… This leads to a power struggle as to who gets what they need and want… The partners get stuck in trying to meet their opposing needs…

This is exhausting as this is the nature of their dynamics and they keep looping in this never-ending cycle. Unless of course they bring intentionality into their relating…

As if this is not challenging enough, during this time the relationship is usually also a bit more mature where the demands just keep piling up. A home needs tending. Children come along. Jobs become more demanding. Community and other commitments are added to the mix. There is a lot going on.

This state of affairs is so draining and stressful that it takes a toll on the partners’ mood, energy, desire, libido, intimacy, and fun. The couples start to run on empty.

It behooves partners to become more intentional in their relationship and their lives to minimize the impact of stress and demands on their connection and intimacy. They can easily accomplish this through the Relationship Enrichment Lifestyle™.

The key to having a rich, loving, caring, connected and loving relationship is focusing on minimizing the culprits impacting desire and intimacy, and embracing a Relationship Nurturing approach in their relationship.

 

Relationship Nurturing

 

A Relationship Nurturing approach to your relationship means you prioritize your relationship and your partner. It means you are super intentional at safeguarding and strengthening your bond. And it means you are proactive about caring, connecting, having fun, and being intimate.

We don’t leave feeling good in our relationship and with our partner up to chance!

 

Safeguarding and Strengthening Your Bond

Regardless of how strong our love is for our partner, the bond between us is still delicate. It is vulnerable, sensitive and susceptible. Our job is to protect this bond at all costs and to foster it if we are to create the relationship we want.

We are to safeguard our bond in our:

1- Thoughts and how we choose to see our partner – minding to keep a Relationship Enrichment Mindset activated to keep our Partner in our highest regard in our mind.

2- Communication and interactions – minding to avoid the Dirty Dozen of Communication and using enriching communication skills and tools

3- Approach to meeting needs – minding sensitivities and triggers and appropriately addressing them to meet needs

4- Balance between togetherness and separateness – minding how we pursue our individuality while remaining a solid unit

5- Choices for doing our lives – minding how we set up our Ideal Day, routines, habits and collaboration systems to fully support each other and our dreams

We are to strengthen our bond by:

  • Cherishing our Partner for who they are
  • Being present, being vulnerable, and Being with our partner
  • Sharing our internal world and our experience
  • Holding a safe space for our partner to share their internal world and their experience
  • Having dedicated and protected time for our partner

 

Proactively Cultivating Love

Love doesn’t last if it’s not cultivated… It can actually be eroded by how we tend to do our lives and how we approach our partner and our relationship. It requires mindfulness, intentionality and caring for it to thrive.

A garden gets overrun if it is not tended. A plant dies if it is not watered.

We are to be proactive about caring, connecting, having fun, and being intimate in our relationship:

Caring – Sprinkling TLC, loving gestures, courtesies, little gifts, thoughtfulness and giving love in our partner’s love language.

Connecting – Building in Connection Habits into your daily routine. Implementing a Delight Partner Habit.

Having Fun – Planning fun of all kinds – couple time, outings, trips, experiences and such and embrace Dating Your Partner.

Enhancing Intimacy – Planning and embracing Sexy Time & 3Gs: Grace-full, Grateful and Generous… Seduce your partner. Be open, explore, expand your repertoire.

Nurturing your relationship is a huge part of creating a radiant and successful relationship. You can do a lot of other work on yourself and your relationship but if you don’t cultivate your love, it gets stagnant, it shrivels and it dies… Make this a top priority in your relationship!

 

ASSIGNMENT: If you are feeling like you would like to feel and enjoy your Love more, decide if you first need to address the 5 Culprits to Low Desire, and then dive into Nurturing Your Relationship!

  • Safeguard & Strengthen Your Bond – Create and protect couple time. Attune to your partner, be present…
  • Cultivate Your Love – Whole heartedly embrace one of these at a time: Caring, Connecting, Having Fun, Enhancing Intimacy. Play full out!

 

As with anything, when you bring consciousness, focus and attention to something, Awesomeness happens. I wish this for you in your life and your relationship.

Wishing you much joy, connection and love today and always…

With Much Love & Light!

 

PS – Related Posts:
Tired of feeling stuck in your relationship?
Tired of fighting without resolution?
Tired of the same old issue?
Tired of feeling disconnected?
Tired of feeling overwhelmed?

 

Copyright (c) 2021 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.

 

Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?

Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include:
Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Couple Strategy™ that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly connection notes in your inbox with Personal Development and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com

Repeating arguments, how are your relationship dynamics? (PT3)

Repeating arguments, how are your relationship dynamics? (PT3)

It feels terrible when we have the same arguments over the same disagreements, over and over again… Doesn’t it? It’s so frustrating to feel like we are living in the twilight zone, or that we are having a Groundhog Day experience… It’s tough to know that we’ll have the same conversation without resolution, yet again. Feeling like beating your head against the wall? Having repeating arguments, how you’re your relationship dynamics?

Having the same fight, or conflict, over and over might have to do with communication skills, but most importantly it has to do with your relationship dynamics… For you see something happens before a fight ensues, before a conflict is identified or sometimes even before verbal communication is started. And that is being triggered

Being triggered means our sensitivities get perturbed. Or that core or old wounds or trauma get poked. The poking engenders strong emotions such as anger, fear, anxiety, sadness, numbness, or feeling out of control.

When these feelings come on strong, they are accompanied by higher activation of neurotransmitters in our brain and hormonal release. The cocktail floods us and monopolizes our brain activity, becoming less engaged with our higher executive functioning. This is where the amounts of skills or tools you have don’t matter as they become inaccessible…

Our getting thrown off might result in our isolating, shutting down emotionally, becoming argumentative, or becoming physically aggressive. At this juncture the partners resemble toddlers in their ability to manage themselves.

This is why it’s so important to do our personal development work. For healing and growing ourselves up, so we don’t walk around with gaping wounds and sensitivities that are easily triggered. And that drive our approach to life and our relationship, and our relationship dynamics…

In interactions with our partner, we have the opportunity for healing and growing ourselves up. This is the bonus benefit of being in relationship with our Partner and their perfect imperfections that perfectly complement our own…

It behooves partners to not lose sight of this gift, and to transcend the recurring dissatisfying patterns by addressing their triggers through the Relationship Enrichment Lifestyle™.

When getting triggered in our relationship, there is a built-in opportunity to now get what we didn’t get growing up (to heal)… And, for learning how to stretch ourselves to meet our partner’s opposing needs (to grow up, become whole)…

Once we integrate this into our relating, we are able to tap into our inherent relationship synergy… This is when the waters part, and life is our oyster… LOL

Learning what drives the dynamics (our and our partner’s triggers) and how to work with them for our evolution and more meaningful Journey, is a marvelous lens and mindset to embrace in our relationship. This is when we stop the power struggle and becomes allies. This is when we become a true Partnership…

This is then our conscious and intentional relationship. Being aware of our triggers and being mindful and intentional about addressing them, is the way to change the relationship dynamics and to create the relationship we want. This is the key to our transformation…

 

Changing the Dynamics

 

It’s very easy to feel stuck, frustrated and hopeless when it seems that we just go around and around in our conversations, if we even have them, without getting anywhere. The same issue/s keep creeping up and no matter what we do we can’t seem to crack the code. But with a little mindfulness and intentionality we have the keys to the kingdom.

 

The Reactivity

The key is to pay attention to the reactivity. Start noticing when you get prickly, what gets on your nerves or annoys you, what are you sensitive about, what touches your sensitivities, and such. Now do this by observing what happens to you, what comes up for you. Don’t do this by focusing on what your partner is doing or not doing, and taking yourself on a ride about them…

Then notice how you respond in the interaction or situation. What do you do outwardly and inwardly? What are your “emotional behaviors”? Shut down, withdraw, distance, dismiss, minimize, and the like? Or pounce, attack, pursue, nag, control, maximize, and the like?

The set of reactions you identified are your go-to Defense Mechanisms…

You can be on a spectrum from Distancer to Pursuer… The higher the conflict in the relationship, the more the polarization…

What are you feeling behind your defense mechanisms? Controlled, smothered, suffocated, cornered, unappreciated, inadequate? Or, abandoned, rejected, unwanted, unworthy, unsupported, alone?

These feelings are your Wounds…

The Distancer feels – Controlled, smothered, suffocated, cornered, unappreciated, inadequate

The Pursuer feels – Abandoned, rejected, unwanted, unworthy, unsupported, alone

Share the instructions with your partner and have identify their Defense Mechanisms and Wounds… I’m sure that by just doing your side, you can probably identify your partner’s as well. But it’s best for them to identify and own their own experience…

Regardless of how you arrive at identifying your partner’s side, I’m sure you’ll notice that you are opposites… A little or a whole lot.

Now, don’t let this scare you as Opposites Attract… And, once you start doing your work, you’ll become less polarized and learn to work with your differences to the satisfaction of you both.

 

Your Reciprocity Loop

Your dynamics is a reciprocity loop, a recurring repeating pattern. Actually, it’s a beautiful dance between the oppositeness…

  • You want closeness, they want space.
  • You want to discuss things to process, they need time on their own to think to process.
  • You want to be flexible, they want to run on schedule.
  • You want to do things together, they want to do things on their own.
  • And, so on…

Partners might get triggered in the face of the different preferences… Specially if there is already some disconnection and unappreciation going on at the moment…

The Looping: Something happens. Partner A gets Triggered and responds with their Defense Mechanism. Which Triggers Partner B, who responds with their own Defense Mechanism. Resulting in Partner A having their Wounds/Feelings additionally triggered, to which they respond with more of their Defense Mechanism. Additionally, triggering Partner B’s Wounds/Feelings. And on it goes…

Let’s say:

  • Partner B announces they’ll be away for the next three days.
  • This makes Partner A feel unwanted, rejected and abandoned.
  • They react by demanding why the partner is going away, asking a million questions about the trip, requesting a gazillion things get done before  they go away, asking them to come back early, and such.
  • Partner B now feels controlled, nagged, and trapped.
  • They in turn don’t want to provide details on the trip, are evasive about the possibility of coming back early, forget to do some of the tasks requested, and such.
  • This makes Partner A feel more unwanted, alone, dismissed, unsupported. So, they become more controlling, demanding and such.
  • Now Partner B feels more controlled, unappreciated, and suffocated.
  • And it can really escalate…

Does this sound familiar? I know, you are not alone!

 

The Transformation

Without spelling out therapy sessions here, the first and most basic thing to do is keep your understanding of your dynamics top of mind.

So, when your partner does something that triggers you, you can put it in the right context for yourself and address what comes up differently…

And so, equally as important, is to be mindful to not operate or react in a way that triggers your partner…

Note, the Wounds that are triggered are actually rooted in childhood experiences. See if you can connect them back…

Giving each other a different experience, especially a different outcome in the face of a trigger is what’s healing… These are reparative experiences.

Another way to be healing is to ongoingly and proactively do behaviors that are antidotes to the Wounds. So, what’s needed is provided without having triggers making noise to get needs met.

For example, build-in couple/connection/togetherness and individual/alone/separateness times into your routines…

The additional beauty here, is that in stretching to give our partner their preference, we grow… So, it’s a win-win.

And that’s how you do it. Hang on to this golden ticket my friend, play with this concept to transform your relationship. You’ll be amazed at what’s possible once you crack this code! Enjoy!

 

ASSIGNMENT: Make a concerted effort at becoming a conscious and intentional couple… Keep your dynamics and working them top of mind!

  • Identify your Defense Mechanisms and Wounds
  • Identify your Loop
  • Identify behavior and attitude changes to avoid Triggering each other
  • Identify and implement ongoing Habits to tend to the Needs related to the Wounds

 

As with anything, when you bring consciousness, focus and attention to something, Awesomeness happens. I wish this for you in your life and your relationship.

Wishing you much joy, connection and love today and always…

With Much Love & Light!

 

PS – Related Posts:
Tired of feeling stuck in your relationship?
Tired of fighting without resolution?
Tired of the same old issue?
Tired of feeling disconnected?
Tired of feeling overwhelmed?

 

Copyright (c) 2021 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.

 

Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?

Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include:
Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Couple Strategy™ that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly connection notes in your inbox with Personal Development and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com

Bickering and fighting, how are your communication skills? (PT2)

Bickering and fighting, how are your communication skills? (PT2)

Hey, we can all relate to being annoyed by our partner at one point or another. But sometimes this goes beyond our idiosyncrasies, quirks or habits. Sometimes we just pick, pick, pick and go around and around. We argue to make our point and prove ourselves right. We get into fights about how we are talking and arguing. And the fights might even escalate to epic proportions. There is no fun and love in that. I you are bickering and fighting, how are your communication skills? Have you considered this as part of the issue?

I’ve been giving this topic more airtime recently to really help partners get over this hump:

Remove roadblocks to great communication

Great communication skills and tools

Your new beginning needs a communication cleanse

Having great communication skills is a must in our relationship, actually in any relationship, for the partners, or parties involved, to feel good about the exchanges being had. In a love relationship this is paramount for helping the partners feel heard and understood, repair and apologize, get on the same page, make decisions, address issues and resolve conflict.

This is primarily where the safety and flavor of the relationship is created. This is where the partners get to gel, feel close and create intimacy, feel belonging and acceptance, address how to create their dreams and the rest of it.

When partners keep missing each other in interactions – when they force their perspective and miss their partner’s, when they hear what their partner is saying in terms of how it impacts them instead of understanding their partner’s experience, when they are not attuned or available, how are they to get on the same page and feel understood and accepted?

It behooves partners to uplevel their communication skills and tools and to embrace a Relationship Enrichment Lifestyle™.

 

Communication Hacks

Reflective Listening

It is impossible to get on the same page when we say something, and our partner responds not to what we said but to what they interpreted and assumed we meant. And, when we do the same to them…

The key here is to listen with an open heart and compassion. To listen with the intent of understanding what is going on for our partner, regardless of what that means for us. And to definitely not make it about what it means about us!

So, just listen. Try to understand what they are saying without getting stuck on the words being used. And try to understand what it means for them, what is happening for them, given what they are saying. Don’t make assumptions, translate or play therapist!

Then, reflect back what you are hearing, repeat to them what you heard them say: “I’m hearing you say __________”.

When partners feel genuinely heard, they stop repeating themselves, they stop using pejorative and blaming language and they soothe any agitation or intensity…

This very basic skill is a game changer! Give it a good try.

Debriefing Chats

Couples experience the most difficulties during transition times in their routines and life flow… Moving from work mode to couple or family time is usually a major friction point and when most of the arguments happen…

Building in some time to realign as you switch gears is key to pave the way for being together, honoring each other, and enjoying what’s up next.

All it takes is intentionality. Start by agreeing when the transition time is… This in and of itself is massive. Usually, partners are not on the same page about this and are automatically set up for conflict…

This would look something like:
Having “Morning coffee/tea” at 7 am
Touch base at lunch at 1pm
Dinner time / evening routine starts at 6:30 pm
Reconvene at 1 pm on weekend days

Once you have a time, use this time align – share what you’ve been doing, things you experienced, what’s on your mind, address any lose ends or concerns, recap game plan for what’s up next and such…

This ensures you flow and operate well together. It prevents all the nonsense couples experience and build-up of minutiae and concerns and therefore chaos and resentment… Implement this immediately to take charge of your day and flow with each other. Enjoy!

Appreciation Sprinkles

It is hurtful to not be seen and recognized in our relationship. Especially when we try to be loving, kind, generous and attentive and it seems to fall on blind eyes and deaf ears. Better yet, might feel like our partner is in a sensory deprivation tank or another plane of existence! LOL

Don’t get me wrong, they might feel the same way. It might seem to them like we are in a sensory deprivation tank or another plane of existence…

There are many ways to address this, but the easiest and fastest is to simply be mindful…

What does this mean in this context? It means to be present and aware, to notice. And then to action this awareness…

At any moment in time when you see your partner, let them know a couple of things they’ve done that day or how they were that you appreciated.

To remember to do this, you might do it at specific times in your routine: When transitioning from one part of the day to another or from one activity to another, before meals, at bedtime and such.

This minor caring gesture is super powerful in shifting energy and reconnecting… Play with this one with gusto. It’s super rewarding.

These are so easy to implement and yet powerfully transformative.

 

ASSIGNMENT: Decide which Communication Hack you’ll embrace first and make a Habit of it. Add it to your Habits list / tracker and play full out with it:

    • Reflective Listening
    • Debriefing Chats
    • Appreciation Sprinkles

 

As with anything, when you bring consciousness, focus and attention to something, Awesomeness happens. I wish this for you in your life and your relationship.

Wishing you much joy, connection and love today and always…

With Much Love & Light!

 

PS – Related Posts:
Tired of feeling stuck in your relationship?
Tired of fighting without resolution?
Tired of the same old issue?
Tired of feeling disconnected?
Tired of feeling overwhelmed?

 

Copyright (c) 2021 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.

 

Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?

Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include:
Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Couple Strategy™ that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly connection notes in your inbox with Personal Development and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com

Feeling stuck, how is your relationship mindset? (PT1)

Feeling stuck, how is your relationship mindset? (PT1)

If you are feeling stuck in your relationship, resentful, cranky, and easily annoyed by your partner, your relationship lens might be a bit smudged… Partners have a tendency to blame their partner for the status of the relationship and how unsatisfied and unhappy they might be… They tend to point fingers, get finicky and demanding or withdrawn and disengaged, and critical of their partner and their ways. Feeling stuck is usually a relationship mindset issue…

What is relationship mindset? Relationship mindset has to do with how you look at your partner and your relationship, what your beliefs are about how partners and relationships should be…

Couples usually have strange ideas of what’s appropriate, expected and required in a relationship and from their partner. They might have very rigid or loose expectations, parameters and desires. And, they might not actually be aware of these, and never mind having them be known to their partner.

This creates unspoken expectations, needs and desires for each partner that the other might not have any clue about. How are they to do right by their partner?

To make matters worse, partners love to be in each other’s Circles, in the other’s business or personal domain… They love to tell each other how to think, feel and behave… When partners impinge on the other’s circle they are not minding their own and are crowding the other’s. This is disempowering to both creating impasses and stuckness…

Between having a messy view of how relationships should be and not having great personal boundary setting skills, the partners set themselves up for disillusion, disappointment and drama.

It behooves partners to uplevel their relationship mindset and to embrace a Relationship Enrichment Mindset™ that includes how to go about setting effective boundaries.

This work is related to Element 1 of our Successful Couple Strategy™.

 

Relationship Enrichment Mindset

The Relationship Enrichment Mindset™ has to do with:

      • Looking at your partner as your Life Partner, they are your person
      • Understanding that your Partner is not perfect and that their imperfections fit perfectly with your sensitivities to give you an opportunity for healing and growth…
      • Looking at your relationship as your playground to learn how to play better…
      • Embracing your Partner as your Ally in your Journey and that there is inherent synergy in your relationship
      • Operating from a heart-compassion-love vs head-ego-fear lens
      • Embracing a both/and vs either/or approach
      • Giving your Partner the benefit of the doubt, grace and consideration
      • Understanding that nothing is static, and your relationship will have ebbs and flows
      • Owning your contribution for the status and flavor of the relationship
      • Being accountable, transparent, available and engaged
      • Pursuing personal development and relationship enrichment as a matter of course
      • Having a growth, progress and success approach to life and the relationship
      • Deciding what kind of partner you want to be and pursuing that with gusto regardless of where your partner is at
      • Implementing a relationship nurturing approach
      • Embracing a Relationship Enrichment Lifestyle™

 

Setting Effective Boundaries

Setting effective boundaries has to do with:

      • Staying in your own circle and addressing concerns from your circle
      • Knowing what you are willing to accept and tolerate and clearly expressing it
      • Knowing what you are not willing to accept and tolerate and clearly expressing it
      • Knowing your needs, expectations, desires and wishes and clearly expressing them
      • Expressing yourself without making others wrong, stopping the self-righteousness
      • Establishing what you’ll do when your boundaries are crossed – other’s impinge in your circle or you are not honored
      • Responding moderately and appropriately when you are crossed or wronged in some way
      • Taking ownership of your day, schedule, belongings, environment, body, thoughts, feelings and all actions
      • Taking responsibility for meeting your own needs
      • Taking responsibility for your self-care
      • Taking responsibility for investing in your relationship and being the best partner you can beAren’t these concepts beautiful?

Some of them might seem to you farfetched or impossible to implement. I promise that they are all extremely possible and easy to take on, and life and relationship transforming once embraced.

Our couples love the concept of the circles. They find this has been the easiest way for them to learn how to fully own themselves and not their partner… And the easiest way to implement setting effective boundaries.

The boundary setting is on and for us, not our partner… People have the misconception that we set boundaries on others. This is a ludicrous concept as we can’t make others do things and be a certain way!

How are we to implement what others do and effect how they are? It doesn’t even make any sense. And, furthermore, people are taught to apply consequences to others when they cross their boundaries. Let’s think about this for a minute. How do we set a boundary on somebody, and who are we to give them consequences, or worse punish them?

Can you imagine your partner punishing you because you crossed a boundary they set on you?!

This is such a backwards way of looking at boundary setting, not for nothing most people are not great at setting them. Intuitively they know these is the wrong approach.

We don’t set boundaries on others, we don’t give them consequences or doll out punishment…

Aside from the prescription above, the way to set boundaries is to speak from our circle, to make our wishes and desires known and to make mindful and appropriate requests accordingly. Then we decide what we’ll do should the other not respect our wishes, honor our desires, respond to our requests or meet our needs as previously agreed.

You see how much more control and power we have over ourselves and our lives when approaching interactions and situations setting boundaries this way?

Don’t be intimidated about upleveling your relationship mindset and about setting boundaries. Start by taking in the mindset and taking ownership being in your circle and not your partners. You’ll see…

ASSIGNMENT: Take stock of where you can stand to have better boundaries and own yourself more…

1- Make a list of all the areas that need attention and all the people you might need to address…

2- Select one area to tackle and go at it with gusto – implement what you must to own it

3- Select one person you need to address to set better boundaries with them – share what you will no longer accept or do, and what you will do should that thing become an issue again

As with anything, when you bring consciousness, focus and attention to something, Awesomeness happens. I wish this for you in your life and your relationship.

Wishing you much joy, connection and love today and always…

With Much Love & Light!

 

PS – Related Posts:
Tired of feeling stuck in your relationship?
Tired of fighting without resolution?
Tired of the same old issue?
Tired of feeling disconnected?
Tired of feeling overwhelmed?

 

Copyright (c) 2021 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.

 

Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?

Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include:
Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Couple Strategy™ that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly connection notes in your inbox with Personal Development and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com

Importance of personal and partner character strengths

Importance of personal and partner character strengths

It is uncommon to speak in terms of Mothering and Fathering in the context of our relationship… Unless of course we are talking about raising our children. But I’ve been presenting this concept as a way to continue to heal and grow ourselves. As a personal development tool, and more recently as a relationship enrichment tool… Today I’m expanding the Fathering repertoire by sharing the importance of personal and partner’s character strengths.

Remember, we all have female and male energy and can embrace characteristics and embody attributes from both. When I’m presenting on Mothering and Fathering, and Female and Male Energy, I’m not talking about gender or sexuality… I’m referring to our inherent energies… Our job is to balance how we embrace, activate and utilize them…

Mothering flows from female energy and Fathering flows from male energy, and they can both be done by women and men… There is no judgement as to which is better or preferred, and this is not a form of sexism, genderism, or such. This just is. Anything else is a social construct we’ve unknowingly accepted…

But please note, I’m not denying the oppression of female energy and women over millennia… If nothing else, I’m actually highlighting the importance of undoing this oppression. I’m doing it through what I know best, which is personal development and relationship enrichment…

      • Mothering has to do with nurturing and caring.
      • Fathering has to do with structuring and disciplining.

When we embrace providing these characteristics to ourselves, we reparent ourselves… I refer you to the book Healing Your Emotional Self, for top notch work on reparenting ourselves…

Reparenting ourselves means giving ourselves what we needed and didn’t get growing up. How we were hurt and not met growing up created wounds, limiting believes and other goodies that have permeated how we organized ourselves and cope with life. Including how we show up in relationship, get triggered and create our stuck dynamics… Reparenting ourselves is a way of healing and releasing ourselves from that stronghold…

Then, bring this to the context of our relationship and we have an exponential impact… Now, I’m not talking about being a mother or a father to your partner and vice versa. That’s the worst thing we can do… I’m talking about being Mothering and Fathering. I’m talking about your interactions and how you approach your partner and the relationship using more:

      • Nurturing, compassion, softness, flexibility, and such (Mothering) for engendering feelings of belonging, worthiness, and acceptance.
      • RoleModeling/guiding, routines, structure, systems and such (Fathering) for engendering feelings of safety, security, and stability.

You see how these can be salve to core wounds?

The key here is to sprinkle the Mothering characteristics into your interactions with yourself and your partner. And the Fathering characteristics to how you do your relationship and your life.

This means be nice to yourself (self-care) and your partner (other-care) and embrace a Relationship Enrichment Lifestyle™Voila!

 

Work Your Character Strengths

So, where do Character Strengths come in? Working on developing our Character Strengths is a Fathering tactic as it involves learning, honing, applying. Mothering is feminine with being, expanding, flowing… The active and directed part of this endeavor is masculine and therefore Fathering…

Working on developing our Character Strengths helps us become more of who we are, more integrated and robust. It helps us have a richer human experience, and it helps us bring a better self to our relationship and our partner…

Having strong Character Strengths helps partners avoid the many pitfalls they would otherwise encounter in their relationship…

Our personal and our partner’s character strengths influence the character of our relationship with things like a love, kindness, gratitude, honesty, forgiveness, perspective, self-regulation, teamwork, etc.

The VIA Institute of Character created a Character Strengths Survey to measure the good qualities in people and to counterbalance the Disorder Statistical Manual (DSM) used to diagnose mental disorders…

They identified 24 Character Strengths that were classified into 6 categories:

      • Wisdom – Creativity, curiosity, judgment, love of learning, perspective
      • Courage – Bravery, honesty, perseverance, zest
      • Humanity – Kindness, love, social intelligence
      • Justice – Fairness, leadership, teamwork
      • Temperance – Forgiveness, humility, prudence, self-regulation
      • Transcendence – Appreciation of beaty & excellence, gratitude, hope, humor, spirituality

Doesn’t it make sense that to develop this further in ourselves would only but enrich our relationship?

As we continue to expand our Fathering repertoire, we are polishing the use of our male energy for more security, stability, productivity, efficiency, and results in our life. Let’s continue to create our Best Self, Best Relationship and Best Life!

ASSIGNMENT: Intentionally integrate your Character Strengths into your life and your relationship…

      • Take the survey to identify your current strengths and where you can stand to invest in some more development.
      • The easiest way to work on developing a characteristic is by creating a Habit to help you practice it… Choose 3 Character Strengths you are looking to develop and create Habits for them into your daily routine: Doing a behavior or activity that would help you practice the strength. And, keep working this method until you feel you’ve made progress developing the Character Strengths you desire.

 

As with anything, when you bring consciousness, focus and attention to something, Awesomeness happens. I wish this for you in your life and your relationship.

Wishing you much joy, connection and love today and always…

With Much Love & Light!

 

PS – Related Posts:
Spring into a new level in your relationship and life
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Keep having the same old fight?
Your partner not meeting your needs? 
Is the dance of connection and disconnection driving you insane? 
Implement pleasure and delight habits (video)
Caring is not just for mothers
Need fathering in your life?

How to reprogram yourself
Are you a strong partnership?
Do you support each other?
The key is collaboration

The key is embracing a relationship enrichment lifestyle (video)
Intentional habits to glide into the new year with ease

The power of having Intentional Habits™

 

 

Copyright (c) 2021 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.

 

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Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Couple Strategy™ that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly connection notes in your inbox with Personal Development and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com

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