In last week’s issue we covered Detox. Another Springtime favorite is of course – Spring Cleaning. I like to cover the usual topics from a different angle that include a personal growth/wellness and relational enrichment component…
Personal – There is tons to clean out in our personal domain. I’m sure you’ve heard of Marie Kondo, author of The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up. Her philosophy is of only keeping things that Spark Joy… This concept is a great addition to the Minimalism and Essentialism Themes I like to play with for not everything needs to be functional, have utility or a purpose. The purpose can be purely to Spark Joy. Isn’t that a marvelous concept?
Yes, it’s great to Spring Clean in the usual sense – declutter, clear out any build ups, make everything fresh and sparkling. But I like to take this concept to the next level, that of getting rid of accumulation and what doesn’t serve us.This is when the Minimalist/Essentialist lens comes in very handy…
And, I like to apply this concept not just to physical/tangible items, I actually like to apply this concept primarily to non-physical/tangible items… This is why I find the concept of only keeping things that Spark Joy so wonderful.
How many commitments, tasks, projects, people, routines and such are currently in your life that don’t Spark Joy for you? If you’ve been reading me for a while, you probably noticed a weaved-in theme of consistently clearing our environment… A way of keeping up with our lives so we don’t drown in it. Our lives are too full, and a lot of times not of the good stuff… Or the stuff that serves us, enriches our life, Spark Joy for us… So,
H.W. number 1 – do the usual-plus Spring Cleaning, and then super-size it! Organize, freshen up, clear out, and polish your physical environments and systems…
This can range from things like getting a facial and exfoliating your whole body to backing up your significant email from the past 10 years and deleting it from your machine… We did this recently. I kept my email going back only 5 years, and stored everything else back to when I started the Practice… So liberating!
Another example is shredding legal and financial paper documents (if older than 7 years and no longer relevant), converting anything remaining to electronic format as long as it has relevancy and value, and no longer accumulating paper… This was hard for me, I love paper… I’m still making my way out of it. But, I’m making a dent and it makes me super happy to have better systems that really support how I work and play.
As you can see, it’s not just about mopping floors and dusting shelves. It’s about getting rid of stuff from dead cells, to superfluous clothing, to old email, to clunky systems. You with me?
H.W. number 2 – do the deluxe Spring Cleaning! Now, this is where the fun comes in. This is actually a process for enriching and upgrading your life beyond what resulted from the above … The above flows from the Minimalist/Essentialist approach. Now we fine tune with the whatSparks Joy approach.
Step back and take a look at your life. After you cleaned it from the noise, clutter, build-up and extras, it’s time to remove any lingering negativity producing items. Or better yet, anything that doesn’t Spark Joy!
This ranges from what you eat, how you exercise, the music you listen to, what you wear, how you commute, the plants you have (hence the addition of Peonies to my garden!), the pictures on your wall, the subscriptions you allow, the social media you partake in, the groups you belong to, people you spend time with, the daily tasks you perform, everything is up for question… Why have anything in your life you don’t like?
This might feel a bit radical to you (Radical begets change…). Specially if you subscribe to the mindset that life is a struggle, that you should endure suffering, that you become a better person by overcoming challenges, and such…
I believe there is value in those beliefs, but I’m also becoming a stronger proponent of making life as simple, enjoyable and meaningful as possible. There is no need to get stuck in the struggle… We can take what we are meant to have from it when faced with it, and then move on to the next best thing…
Review everything with this new lens. Make it a mission to start removing things that don’t Spark Joy, and to only allow things in your life that Spark Joy…
Relational – And, speaking of which, what better source of Joy than our loved ones? Specially our Partner?
Believe me I know that our loved ones, including our Partner, are not always a source of Joy… Sometimes it’s actually quite the opposite. But it doesn’t have to be. The same concept as above can be applied to relationships…
You say, What? Yes, I’m not kidding. Translate H.W.1 and H.W.2 to relational terms…
Relational HW1 – Clean the basics and then some…
Context/Mindset – Clean your negative, blaming, assuming, reactive thinking
Communication/Alignment – Clean your verbal and non-verbal communication from interruptions, poor eye-contact, distracted listening, raising your voice, name calling
Clarity/Dynamics – Clean your predictable response, let go of the script, the chip on the shoulder, the defenses
Connection/Intimacy – Clean/close your exits, remove activities and things that take away from connection, intimacy, and fun
Collaboration/Partnership – Clean your systems, routines, plans, calendars, to-dos
Relational HW2 – do the deluxe cleaning…
This means that after you remove all the junk you put in your interactions and contribute to your dissatisfying dynamics (which is no easy feat to begin with…), that you step it up a notch. The next level is to clean out responses, tendencies, habits, and idiosyncrasies that don’t serve you nor your loved one. These are subtle but still carry negativity and have a corrosive impact on the relationship.
These might include things like talking too loud, driving too fast, taking long showers, leaving stuff all over the place, keeping a pristine environment at whatever cost, burping and other unseemly behaviors, digging into a meal before the other joins, having poor manners, being noisy while the other sleeps, being on your device while the other is talking, etc. etc. Being inconsiderate… These definitely don’t Spark Joy!
Sometimes relationships get so flooded with these types of behaviors that the partners stop liking each other. It’s so silly! To disrupt this pattern, I have been known to tell partners to treat their partner as if they are roommates… for they’d actually be nicer and more considerate!
We can be really annoying and even mean without even realizing it, or realizing it but not giving a hoot about it. This carelessness chips away at the bond and the beauty of the relationship, at the possibilities of the partnership… These suck the Joy out of the relationship…
So, what say you? Are you ready to Spring Clean your personal domain and your relationship? When you get to the Deluxe Cleaning, it’ll be like cleaning the windows of your Soul… You’ll be stepping it up, Aligning with Joy…
I covered a lot of territory to assist you in whatever area, way, and level is right for you… Note, you don’t have to do it all, and definitely not all at once… Start playing with one item from the Personal Domain and one from the Relational. That small investment will give you massive returns in and of itself. Keep targeting small bits at a time for a richer life and relationship…
Share your experience by leaving a comment below! I’d love to know what are your and your partner’s pet peeves – what would you target in your Deluxe Cleaning?
Copyright (c) 2019 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
It was incredibly nice disconnecting from the usual during our Spring Break… Even when life is grand it’s nice to change things up. I found myself not interested on being on my phone or any other electronic device. It was a struggle checking-in on things and people. It felt like being pulled from a magical dream.
This experience was perfect as it resonated with today’s topic of Detoxing… You know I have to cover it as soon as Spring comes about. LOL Detoxing is a magnificent way of shedding off anything unwanted that has accumulated over time.
So, with one week left to Q1, and the focus being on getting to its finish line and getting ready to rock Q2, it’s a perfect time to assess what we need to Clean out to lighten our burden… and Clear our path…
First off, I’d like to point out that 3/20 was Happy Day. Did you know that? It’s interesting how these kinds of days get identified. It does make sense though. People’s moods are already lifting. Hope this applies to you!
Let’s keep shedding, not just the blah mood, but everything that is a potential block to your Health, Wellness and Success… And, your Successful Relationship…
Think of the areas of your life you are currently focused on upgrading (most likely your goals are targeting these). Or, that you would like to focus on if you are just starting to focus on making changes… Then think of the things that might be getting in the way of making the upgrade or change…
Most likely the things that are getting in the way have to do with the cumulative impact of bad habits and toxicity of some kind… Consider which below might be getting in your way and consider their antidote:
HEALTH:
Sleep deprivation – Sleep 6 to 8 hrs per night of good sleep.
Dehydration – Drink 32 to 64 onz of structured water per day.
Malnutrition – Eat your allotted caloric intake per day of non-inflammatory foods rich in omegas and protein observing a minimum of an overnight 12 hr window before your first meal of the day (basic intermittent fasting). And, minding your intake of gluten, sugar and derivatives, eggs, dairy, meats, soy, peanuts, processed foods and condiments, and certain fruits and vegetables that don’t agree with your body (intuitive eating).
Include targeted supplements into your intake; and cleansing techniques such as lemon water and apple cider vinegar first thing in the morning…
Lack of exercise – Move and stretch every day, and adhere to an exercise routine that you enjoy and includes HIIT (high interval intensive training).
Indulging – Eliminate/reduce (numbing…) tobacco, caffeine, alcohol, elicit and over-the-counter drugs, even prescribed drugs…; unprotected sun exposure, and damaging agents in products and other exposure.
WELLNESS:
Aging – Improve your health with the above, have a great skincare routine that is collagen restorative, keep great oral hygiene (gum disease implicated in Alzheimer’s, along with certain bacteria and viruses including Herpes!) and exercise your brain to stimulate continued neuron regeneration and protect plasticity.
Chaos – Immediately address clutter, disorganization, overwhelm, over commitment, extra responsibilities, poor boundaries, drama, caretaking.
Stuckness – Immediately address repeating patterns, defense mechanisms, scripts, behavioral numbing and time-sucks (over working and spending, dating, TV / Netflix binge-watching, online browsing, social media scrolling, gaming). Pursue Personal Development.
Unhappiness – Upgrade your self-care routine making sure it includes a mindfulness and gratitude practice. Practice compassion and self-love… Own your uniqueness, beauty and gifts. Embrace your voice and your power. Nurture Connection to your higher-power, self, partner, family, community and world at large…
Dissatisfaction/Complacency – Improve the company you keep and your activities, commitments, projects, environments, lifestyle and pursue your dreams (see below)…
SUCCESS:
Limiting Mindset – This is the death of you. If a heart attack doesn’t put an end to your awesome life, this will! Address tendencies to blame, pass on responsibility, thinking “can’t be done”, overcomplicating things, analysis paralysis, not stretching or wanting to learn, taking the easy way out, not going the extra mile, letting low self-esteem and fear get the best of you…
Debt – Stop accruing debt immediately, only exceptions are for investing in yourself as noted in this writing and within reason… Pay off your debt as fast as you can!
Aimlessness – Know your passion, gift, calling, Purpose. Have a Vision, a Strategy, and Goals. Even have a 100-year Plan…! Shoot to leave a Legacy, to make an Impact… Live a life by Design. Live a life well lived.
Non-Committal – Make sure your word means something, have an honor code, be trustworthy, reliable, accountable. Commit to the task, project or any undertaking. Go all in! Show up with gusto!
Inflexible – Stay open to feedback. Be ready to course correct. Always be tweaking and improving – this doesn’t mean embracing perfectionism, this means embracing excellence.
Were there areas that you felt like, “Hey, I got this!”? Were there areas that kicked your butt? Most people do great in some areas of their lives, and not so great in others… The key is to find the areas that are holding you back from your Best Life… These are the areas that need Detoxing…
Select an area you want to address and choose a related specific Habit to change – get really specific… Set up a plan for eliminating (drastically reducing) the bad habit by replacing it with a given antidote. For example: Health / Malnutrition, eating inflammation causing carbs, doing food swaps containing non-gluten grains…
Now, let’s apply this concept to your relationship… What needs detoxing in your relationship?
Context/Mindset (seeing your partner as your enemy or at fault) – bad attitude, blaming, selfishness, inconsideration, rudeness, poor boundaries, assumptions, scripts
Communication/Alignment (being in frequent fighting and disagreements) – interrupting, yelling, cursing, picking, criticizing
Connection/Intimacy (feeling alone, unloved and disconnected) – no affection or physical interaction, distance, absence, unavailability, exits
Collaboration/Partnership (feeling overwhelmed, unsupported and stuck) – taking on too much or too little, not enough No, not enough Yes, disorganization, unfinished projects, no systems, no check-ins, no established roles, expectations and goals
Find the Habit that is sabotaging your relationship from its next level of awesomeness. Eradicate that sucker! Replace it with a Connection Habit™ or upgraded relationship skill (refer to the related issues listed below).
Note that this approach is taking Detoxing to the next level. We are striving to get rid of toxicity, and what is holding you back, forever. We are not settling for a quick cleanse! Let’s do it!
Copyright (c) 2019 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
I like to get into Spring Mode early to extend the warmer seasons as much as possible… It’s harder to do when the weather wants to continue to show its winter colors though. LOL But it’s nothing that a Spring Bucket List can’t fix! Are you with me? Let’s leave winter behind regardless of what is happening out there.
I did some research on Spring Bucket Lists to prepare for this issue and found most of them a little basic and dull. I think you and I can create our own much better list. Are you up for it?
I created a Bucket List Design Process™ for this purpose. Note, the mere exercise of doing this is super empowering, recharging, motivating, inspiring, exciting and just plain FUN. Give it a go!!
Use the structure listed below to come up with things you want to do, accomplish, or experience in each area. You can play with all 10 areas, coming up with 5 things for each, or you can choose to focus on specific areas as you like, with the idea of ending up with your Spring Bucket List: 50 Ways of Living Life to the Fullest this Spring
Here is the list structure with areas to cover to help you create an amazing list, with a couple of examples for each:
1.Personal Physical – health, fitness, grooming and pampering, appearance and look, personal brand, treatments, healthy habits
Expand your skin care routine
Do a detox
2.Wellness – self-care routines, wellness and success habits, personal development practices or focus, treatments, supportive resources, tools and techniques
Start a Partner Appreciations Journal™…
Join or start a Personal DevelopmentMaster Mind Group™
3.Relational and Social – activities, outings, entertaining, experiences, adventures, service, joint project, hobby, or interest, connection habits, relationship enrichment behaviors, celebrating
Subscribe to Blue Apron to cook original nutritious recipes together
Commit to Saturdays Date Night™
4.Home and Other Indoor Spaces – decluttering and organization, making functional, refreshing, beautifying
Marie Kondo Your Home… (keep only things that Spark Joy!)
Commit to Fresh Flowers Fridays™
5.Outdoor Spaces – yard, functional structures, activities structures, variety of gardens, fun nooks, special touches, experiences
Plant a fruit tree
Create a Yard Labyrinth
6.Indulgences – baking and other treats, aromas and scents, experiences, getting that little something that’s been on your wish list
Bake lemon treats
Start / expand your aromatherapy oils collection
7.With the Kids – crafts, their rooms, activities, outings, experiences, service, new skill, new hobby, new interest, new life skill
Visit an arboretum
Build a bird house
8.Creative – writing of any kind including music, painting, drawing, designing, decorating, dancing, creating, inventing, photographing, crafting, singing
Write a collection of poems
Photograph the blooming season
9.Philanthropical – add charities to your repertoire, help plan an upcoming Gala, help in local fundraisers, contribute to a charitable endeavor, donate your time to your population of choice, start a cause
Sign up to read to children at afterschool programs or hospitals
Volunteer to be a Mentor at your local High School
10.Nature/Seasonal/Different – visiting beautiful locations, being with animals, doing outdoor activities, playing outdoors, being outdoors, outdoor sports, exploring and witnessing nature
Just writing this was energizing and fun! Juices flowing, so inspired… Yay! It’s your turn, brainstorm ideas to recharge, motivate, move forward, have fun, and enjoy the season. Inspire yourself and Spring Forward!
Remember to complete the MetroRelationsip™ Assignment below to help you effortlessly implement this, make changes and immediately start creating your Successful Relationship and Meaningful Life…
Share your experience by leaving a comment below!
Happy Springing!
~ Your MetroRelationship™ Assignment
Create your Spring Bucket List. Select a batch of items from your list you want to enjoy first. Start planning out how to make them happen.
Keep doing the same for the rest. The goal is not to stress out to have them all done, but to enjoy the process and doing as many as you like.
This is an exercise for stimulation, inspiration and enjoyment!
Add this to your Tool Kit…
Copyright (c) 2019 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
We are in charge of how we choose to experience our life moments, and what we choose to do with them… This is a choice we can make about anything, at any time… Even in the face of trouble, chaos, crisis, and anything that we would usually consider negative life events. It’s all about the meaning we assign things… How we let them impact us… And, how we choose to address them…
The same goes for when others around us are having a moment… If they are spinning, we don’t have to spin with them… If they are feeling blue, cranky or mad, we don’t have to take on their feelings… If they are stressed, we don’t have to fix their stress… If they are ambivalent, we can stand in our Knowing…
We can have our feelings and experiences independently of others’. We can also choose to safeguard our wellbeing when those around us start to influence or impact us with their negative state. It’s not super easy to always stand still and not get sucked in…
It’s in our, and in our loved ones’, best interest to learn how to not get sucked in… I’ve had several sessions, and other experiences, recently where this was a prevalent theme. Partners get sucked into their partner’s mood, reactivity, and script allowing themselves, their emotional state, to be hijacked…
It’s already bad enough that we co-create our current patterns, our relationship dynamic, playing-out our unresolved issues so we have another go at them. It’s imperative we exercise more personal boundaries, self-soothing and regulating, and self-management to not take the bait and get hijacked. Consequently, this is also essential for changing the patterns themselves…
When you don’t take charge of your side of things and jump into the mud with the other, you perpetuate the negativity, collude with their perspective, entrench the limiting mindset, and create a life story riddled with dissatisfaction… You end up creating a mediocre life!
Jumping in the mud with them – trying to fix their issue, trying to make them feel better, trying to show them a different way, trying to rescue the moment and the like are all signs of Loving TOO Much… We can’t save people from themselves. They can only do this…
For when we fix things for them, we prevent them from experiencing the motivating pain, accessing their own resources, figuring it out, and possibly hitting the necessary rock bottom that would lead to the Light…
We have to be mindful not to get in their way. And, we have to be mindful not to get in our own way… When we take care of another in this way, we don’t take care of ourselves… Nobody wins!
Don’t take the bait. Don’t get on anyone’s ride. Focus on standing still. Reap the rewards!
Remember to complete the MetroRelationsip™ Assignment below to help you effortlessly implement this, make changes and immediately start creating your Successful Relationship and Meaningful Life…
Share your experience by leaving a comment below!
Happy Standing!
~ Your MetroRelationship™ Assignment
Take stock of when your interactions tend to go south in your relationship: before work, upon getting home, dinner, evening routine, bed time, Friday night, a particular time during the weekend, Sunday night, when food shopping, in the car, at weddings, at events, at in-laws’, etc.
See if you can identify a pattern as to when, and as a theme as to what about…
Do something to mitigate the when. Do something to address the what.
Add this to your Tool Kit…
Copyright (c) 2019 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
I know not everybody enjoys and thrives during the holidays. Most actually don’t and struggle. I’m sorry if this is you. Tackling our Holiday and Year-End Process™ (HYP)might help… I know that our clients that fully embrace this process fare much better than those that don’t when the new year comes around… If you struggle please Gift this process to yourself!
I’ve been writing about Gifting and Giving and how being generous is a key element to feeling happy. How Gifting and Giving adds meaning to our lives.
What I’ve noticed with this Theme, is that people might be awesome at Giving to others but they are not as awesome at giving to themselves… And, I’m not talking about buying ourselves the latest new thing. For those that care for themselves with material things might not be caring for themselves in more important and impactful ways…
I’m talking about Giving ourselves the gift of our own Presence… Of good nutrition. Of exercise. Of sleep. Of free time. Of pampering. Of leisure and pleasure. Of playfulness. Of support. Of a Mindfulness Practice. Of mental spaciousness… This is being Generous with ourselves!
Remember from last week’s article, that generosity stimulates the same neural network that lights up with physical pleasure… It makes us feel happy. Being generous with ourselves gives us the benefit of not only caring for ourselves and all the benefits that come along with that, but also the benefit of actual Giving. This is a 2-for-1 deal!
It behooves us then, if we care about our happiness and wellness, if we care about our success, to Give to our ourselves as diligently as we give to our loved ones, and even strangers.
So how about it? As you are working through Aspects1-3 of the HYP, be mindful of this concept and weave it into your experience… This will make or break your month! (a little dramatization for good measure is always fun to add!).
Select and implement a way to Give to yourself that makes life easier, smoother and more rewarding. Keep it simple, choose something that recharges and replenishes. Enjoy!!
Remember to complete the MetroRelationsip™ Assignment below to help you effortlessly implement this, make changes and immediately start creating your Successful Relationship and Meaningful Life…
Share your experience by leaving a comment below!
Happy Receiving!
~ Your MetroRelationship™ Assignment
Plan out and implement a simple Holiday Self-Care Practice™. Streamline all the hoopla. Invest in what really recharges and replenishes you. Give to yourself generously. Take it in.
Make it fun and enjoy!
Add this to your Tool Kit…
Copyright (c) 2018 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
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Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT has been in the mental health profession in varying capacities for the past 20+ years. She is the Founder and Director of metrorelationship.com a psychotherapy and coaching practice specializing in working with busy professional and entrepreneurial couples who are struggling getting on the same page and feeling connected. The work helps couples create a radiant and successful relationship and meaningful life by becoming a strong partnership and increasing their connection, intimacy, and fun. Emma is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Relationship Strategy™.
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