Nature doesn’t have to be the only thing that blooms… We are also inclined to bloom if we allow ourselves, and cultivate the characteristics we desire… If we have a desire for a certain character strength or characteristic, we already have it inside ourselves… It’s just lying dormant…
Whatever desire we have, we also the ability to manifest it…Desires are gifts that just need springing. We can spring them by cultivating them… Remember, that what we focus on grows… Transform your relationship using your strengths…
A few clients are coming to mind as I write this, as they have worked on cultivating certain strengths with tremendous success. One in particular, focused on being a planner. She found that not planning ahead created a lot of anxiety for her, misbehaving from her children, and tension with her husband. Their life was limited and stress ridden.
When she started focusing on becoming a planner, she created more flow and ease in her home, the children were no longer so clingy and symptomatic, the evening routines became a lot smoother, she started expanding other areas of her personal life and pursuing different interests.
She established more of a social life alone and with her husband, and traveling a lot more! They are a different family and couple now…
She couldn’t have become a planner if she didn’t have the desire for it and didn’t already possess this within her…
The ability to manifest character strengths is available to all of us…
The thing about this is that we usually settle for who we think we are, which is a very limited version of ourselves consisting primarily of ego patterns, defenses, and bad habits… That is not who we are!
Whatever troubles us, whatever bothers us, whatever we are jealous of in others or even judge, whatever we desire, all have hints of parts of us not fully blossomed yet. They are still just in seed form…
~ Our job is to pay attention to what triggers us, what we crave, what we believe we lack, what we’d like more of, what we admire, and the like for hints of how we might not be fully owning and embracing ourselves. These are signs of a strength, a gift, a calling, buried deep inside that is itching to come out to play…
By paying attention to our inklings and what grabs our attention, we can start recognizing a desire buried within. There is a gift, talent, passion, calling, strength, we have that we don’t realize we do!
~ This might be challenging to do if we are super noise in our life, we are riddled with drama, are hypersensitive and reactive, can’t be alone and in silence, are consistently in the grind and doing mode, have a chaotic and/or stuffed routine, and such. When we are so noisy and operating from defenses and habits, we can’t be still and quiet enough to hear the messages we have inside…
And it’s even more challenging if we doubt that we have treasures inside us, that we are magnificent, and that we are always evolving and becoming better versions of ourselves. For then, we don’t even know to try to make changes to get quiet to start embracing all of ourselves…
It can be simple to get started…
Regardless of our personal state, the state of our relationship, and the state of our life in general, all we have to do is to get in touch with our desire for more… To decide not to settle. To decide to embrace our unfolding, our becoming, our evolution, our expansion…
If this is all we do, we will awaken what is trying to birth through us… Then we can start hearing and feeling the calling, the messages, the nagging from inside… Then we can start connecting with the aspects of ourselves that we haven’t fully own yet… And then we can name what it is we want to cultivate for it is there and ready to emerge… Just like my client the planner, owning just that one characteristic was transformative for her and her family.
Then we cultivate…
Once we name it- we have to feel it, recognize it in ourself, set up situations and activities that call for it, explore it, play with it, experiment using it, and keep practicing it until it gets integrated and more automatic in our way of being and our way of life…
Our relationship is the perfect playground for us to play with strengths, gifts, talents and all the other awesomeness we are trying to own and embrace more…
This is a way to continue to become our best self, our authentic self, more Aligned with our Higher Self- just become more and more who we are and creating our most radiant and successful relationship…
Play with cultivating anything you blossom- whatever you focus on grows, whatever you nurture flourishes…
Wishing you all the joy, connection and love today and always…
With Much Love & Light!
PS: Do you need support taking yourself, your relationship, and your life to the next level- actually living a healthy, happy, harmonious and overall abundant life?
Copyright (c) 2023 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication? Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Couple Strategy™ that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly connection notes in your inbox with Personal Development and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
Oftentimes we get so mired in the everyday doing that we forget the everyday Being. We forget to actually show up to our lives, we might bring our bodies, maybe even our minds to a commitment, to an interaction, to a moment. But we hardly bring our heart, our Essence… This is where we are going wrong…
This is what is keeping up spent, unmotivated, fearful, disconnected… This is what is creating the rest of our suffering and turmoil… WE are missing from the equation! Bring presence. Then you can exponentially expand and deepen your connection…
If we are looking for happiness, joy, health, vitality, peace, harmony, connection and love, it is actually quite simple to attain… The way is through our presence…
When we connect with ourselves, with our core, authentic, Higher Self, we are connected to all that is, to the now, to Oneness, to Unity, to Love. We are connected to Unity Consciousness, to Love Consciousness… From this Connection, we just are the highest and best version of ourselves… And so much easier for our partner to feel us and connect with us…
From this expanded connection the universe is the limit…
When we fully embrace who we are in this way, we transcend the petty, the minutia, the fears, the defenses… This is powerful. We are so much bigger and magnificent than what we show up with every day. Our life is so much bigger and important than what we focus on every day…
We are here to have a Human Experience and evolve into who we truly are, NOT to get stuck in our human experience… To get stuck in the ins and outs of our little self, looking at our world through our ego. Interacting with all our defenses, habits and out of fear…
This is why the relationship with our partner is beyond gorgeous, regardless of the state it’s in… Our partner, our relationship, and our life, are a projection of our inner world… When our partner gets on our nerves, hurt us and the like, that is information about what is going on for us inside ourselves irrelevant of our partner… Yeah, a hard truth to embrace.
But this is why our partner is a Gift – they get to show us where we still need to heal, grow, and evolve…
When we are in touch with this, and together play with this, now that is where the depth is in our relationship… Being understood, known, respected, cherished and appreciated at this level is so massive.
When you are playing at the Game of Life from this angle, not just to amass accomplishment and fortune and to check things off your to-do or bucket lists, is when you are truly living your life. This is when you feel Alive. This is the inspiration, the juice, the sparkle. This is who You are…
Showing up to interactions, engagements, projects and even all the mundane with the Essence of who you are, give you a completely different experience…
What does this mean for how to do our lives every day? This means having a rich Self-Love Practice so you Connect with yourself consistently… Then you design how you want your days to go, prioritizing you and your relationship, Being over doing… Then you tackle the rest… And the rest becomes so much easier, smoother, fun and glorious…
APPLICATION: Make a commitment to shift the focus of how you do your life for a richer and more delightful experience…
~ Shift the focus from work and doing to your life and being…
~ Design your day to Align with the shift and embrace a self-love practice
~ Bring your partner into the fold of awareness, and gently and compassionately play at embracing your Higher Selves more and more…
Luxuriate in the expansiveness of this relating…
Wishing you all the joy, connection and love today and always…
With Much Love & Light!
PS: Do you need support taking yourself, your relationship, and your life to the next level- actually living a healthy, happy, harmonious and overall abundant life?
Copyright (c) 2023 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication? Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Couple Strategy™ that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly connection notes in your inbox with Personal Development and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
I say we focus on really enjoying the next two months and getting ourselves ready for weather what’s coming in the fall. Are you with me?
What does this type of getting ready mean for you? For me it means:
Maintaining and upleveling my Self-Care Practice for great health, wellness, fitness, and vitality
Clearing the decks of minutiae and distracting miscellaneous noise
Wrapping up any unfinished lingering tasks and current projects
Putting in place and/or upleveling whatever support I need…
Nurturing and further developing myself for Alignment, and increased inspiration, motivation, strength, stamina, bandwidth, courage, creativity…
Dreaming, brainstorming and planning for what’s next…
I use Summers as major regroup points and as inspiration time… This is when I usually set up the next big project for the year… There is less grind, more sun and fun during this season. The perfect recipe for innovating and creating…
I get that this Summer is different than our usual and that we are in really tough times… But, remember what we focus on grows, what we resist persists, and we create what we think… So, let’s use these concepts to our advantage…
Let’s not focus on what’s wrong, let’s focus on the opportunities.
Let’s focus on what you need to do and how you need to Be to create your amazing new normal, your New World… If you are tired don’t quit, just rest… It’s Summer after all!
At the beginning of the year, I wrote about change being in the air and about starting a New Era… And, boy, what a New Era we are starting… The thing here is how do we want to instrumentally be part of something new, and not be mere passive bystanders. How can we be progressive in our own lives so that collectively we catapult into the Reconstruction…?
What does that mean for you? How have you been doing your life? What would a progressive approach to it mean for you?
This could take on the form of:
Establishing radical new health and wellness habits
Enriching your self-care practice
Decluttering your whole life
Upleveling your Mindset
Addressing your negativity bias and limiting beliefs
Increasing your personal ownership
Setting effective boundaries
Having a voice
Really meeting your needs
Having the difficult conversation(s)
Making amends
Showering your loved ones with love
Rocking consistent Date Nights
Treating your partner as the most important person in your life
Increasing your physical intimacy and your repertoire
Automating the minutia tasks in your life
Outsourcing tasks that are a waste of your genius
Actually putting your genius and Gift to work
Taking on your mission, living by your purpose
Influencing through love and connection…
Note, we can’t be progressive with our actions if we are not progressive with our thoughts…
How do you need to wake yourself up and step it up? Now is the time to set up your foundation and lay down the groundwork.
We are creating history, make sure your’s rocks!
ASSIGNMENT: Make a commitment to not be a victim of the current circumstances…
Select what you want to focus on improving this summer to set yourself up for an amazing Autumn
Flesh out your choice into bite-size tasks, recurring tasks/appointments, and measurable milestones
Take your first action towards this plan today!
Complete the Assignment, and share your takeaway, insights, and results with a note in the Comments box at the end! I’d love to hear how you are using this content.
Copyright (c) 2020 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
I frequently witness partners’ devastation when feeling stuck in their relationship. They share about their pain and hopelessness. They believe things are as good as they are going to get, and think there is nothing that can be done to change them.
The pain is great because if this is as good as it’s going to get, then they think they shouldn’t be in it. And, with that come feelings of failure, betrayal, resentment, anger, loss, sadness and such. In this dooms day perspective they perpetuate their pain…
What’s interesting is that this happens when they are triggered. If asked at other times how things are going, it’s usually far from dooms day. But, when we are triggered it is very easy to miss the forest for the tree. Partners put on blinders and only see the episode that hurt them or threw them off track, and all the previous similar ones.
They are great historians and skilled at threading this negative pattern… They focus on this one dimension of their relationship and refuse to see the rest that’s good, or even amazing.
When partners focus on what is not working as a theme and really harp on what goes wrong, they are setting up a self-fulfilling prophecy. They are looking for things that don’t work. They are looking for their partner’s mistakes. They are looking for things that bother them. And, find they will because nobody is perfect.
They are hyper-vigilant and on alert against their partner… Donning this lens is nothing but self-and-other-defeating, relationship sabotaging, limiting and down right abusive of our Self and our Partner.
The ruminating on the events and interactions that hurt us just serve to retraumatize ourselves. It keeps us stuck in a negative thinking loop, that generates hurtful feelings and that keeps us from acting from our Authentic and Highest Self… This promotes nasty behavior towards our partner and neglectful behavior towards our Self. It is very difficult to set effective loving boundaries and maintain our self-care practice when we are in this place.
We are reactive, and sometimes don’t even realize it… If we continue to nurture our grouch, our lens gets dirtier and dirtier to the point where we lose our sight period. We lose our perspective completely. Then of course it’s hard to imagine there is coming back from the current experience or that something different is possible…
The first item of business here is to suspend all judgment, slow down the recursive thinking, and put ourselves on a time-out. Imagine you can hit a pause button where the movie can stop playing, do that… Do whatever it takes to stop ruminating, analyzing, fact-finding and the like…
This squirrely activity is just like you drinking the poising and expecting your target to die. Stop poisoning yourself! Do any activity that releases positive chemistry in your brain and helps you change your state. You are responsible for how you feel…
From this place you are more resourced and are now able to address your trigger. But don’t go at it until you are able to see your partner’s experience. If you can’t or as soon as you start thinking about it you get retriggered, then you are not ready to address this with your partner. Keep at this until you are ready. Otherwise, you’ll keep hacking at your bond and creating more damage that becomes harder and harder to repair.
Do whatever it takes to see things from your partner’s viewpoint and experience. Understand what is happening for them and the pain they are also in. Access your compassion for their side. Then you’d be ready to effectively and productively address the initial trigger.
Your job is to keep yourself in a resourced state as much as possible, or more and more, for your relationship to work. If you are intent on being right, being resentful for how you’ve been wronged, and upset then there is little chance to make changes in your relationship. Might as well quit now and save yourself a lot of aggravation. But, please know that this does not have to be your outcome! You CAN push through this veil and enjoy the Light on the other side…
> Boundary setting and getting needs met:
The boundary in this instance is of containing yourself. If we refuse to take the hook our partner is casting and if we refuse to take ourselves on a ride, we minimize the damage we usually do. When a trigger happens, take a moment to regroup, change your state, gather what’s happening for you and for your partner, put it all in perspective and then you are ready to go back.
From a less escalated, regrouped, and resourced place you can more easily repair, get back on the same page, and move on. A key element here is that when you take your leave from the situation, that you still remain connected… Otherwise, the triggering continues…
How do you usually keep retraumatizing your Self? Make a commitment now to stop that! Give your Self a lot of love and compassion.
Complete the MetroRelationship™ Assignment below to help you effortlessly implement this, make changes and immediately start experiencing your awesome and radiant relationship, and authentic and meaningful life…
Happy Regrouping!
~ Your MetroRelationship™Assignment
Escalation-proof your relationship to prevent stuckness and hopelessness:
Make an agreement with your partner on how to implement time-outs to prevent escalations, and discuss how to reentry.
Identify items that easily put you in a positive state and integrate them into your routine.
Add this to your Tool Kit…
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
Whoever said that Halloween is just for kids and trick-or-treating? Yes, adults have fun too with the decorating, costumes, and parties. But I’d like to also suggest taking this a step further by using Halloween as a relationship-building tool. Why not? Why waste a perfectly set up situation with built in opportunities for awesomeness?
Depending on the current status of your relationship and your relationship’s needs, there are different ways to take advantage of this holiday. I’ve come to recognize three levels of “involvement” in couples: Closeness, Intimacy and Passion, what I’ve termed the CIP Principal™. These levels are not necessarily mutually exclusive, progressive in nature, contingent on each other, or otherwise reliably related in anyway…
I have found that couples move between these, have them all, have none or have different combinations of them at different times… There is no normal or preferred way, there are pros and cons to everything, and relating is never perfect. It is what it is, and it is for a reason… We can’t force what isn’t nor give up on our desires… Our job is to determine where we are and what we need right now, and to go from there…
Determine which level you are in this week and what Stretch you are willing to make to move into the level of your current desire. Please note, that if you are struggling in your relationship that you might not even register in CIP. Don’t let this disturb you. This is where you are, and that’s OK. Choose the level in which you’d feel comfortably out of your comfort zone…, and go for that. If you are still not sure of where to start, go with Closeness.
I’ve tailored suggestions on how to use the holiday for relationship building and enriching according to “involvement” levels:
Closeness –Planning to partake in the holiday to varying degrees. Being aware of the holiday and discussing with your partner how to celebrate. This might include decorating the outdoors, setting up for and receiving trick-or-treaters, going trick-or-treating, going to a Halloween party or other related event. I
ntimacy –Planning to enjoy the holiday to varying degrees. Inviting your partner to join in the fun. This might include dressing up, dressing up that plays off each other’s costumes, playing pranks, hosting a Halloween party, hosting pre event gatherings or after parties…
Passion – Planning to savor the holiday to varying degrees. Seducing your partner into more private fun… This might include more provocative and insinuating dressing up, attending more adult – “flirtatious and enticing” events or venues, hosting a masquerade party, hosting a seductive spooky dinner party, hosting your own “live-out your fantasy” private party…
These are guidelines to spark more specific ideas fitting your situation, relationship and desires. They can be extrapolated for use in other holidays and celebrations as well. Remember you can do whatever you want. Your imagination is the limit. Don’t let fear, ego, insecurities, and the like hold you back from having fun in your Life and Relationship, enjoying your Self, and Being with your Partner…
The more you invest in the interactions at each Level the more you’ll enjoy your involvement, and the more awesomeness you create. Go for it. Take a risk. Push the envelope. Get out of your comfort zone. And enjoy unnerving, provoking, exhilarating, and elating fun!
Complete the MetroRelationship™ Assignment below to help you effortlessly implement this, make changes and immediately start experiencing your awesome relationship, and Authentic Life…
Happy Enjoying!
~ Your MetroRelationship™Assignment
Identify what level of “involvement” you desire to Stretch into in your relationship this week: Closeness – Partaking Intimacy – Enjoying Passion – Savoring Approach your partner about Halloween Plans and Relationship Fun related to your desired level. Invite them to codesign a befitting activity or outing for some spooky and thrilling relationship fun! Add this to your Tool Kit…
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
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Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT has been in the mental health profession in varying capacities for the past 20+ years. She is the Founder and Director of metrorelationship.com a psychotherapy and coaching practice specializing in working with busy professional and entrepreneurial couples who are struggling getting on the same page and feeling connected. The work helps couples create a radiant and successful relationship and meaningful life by becoming a strong partnership and increasing their connection, intimacy, and fun. Emma is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Relationship Strategy™.
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