Do you think that you love your partner more than they love you? That you care more? That you do more for the home, the family, and the relationship? That if it weren’t for you, things would fall apart? You are not alone in this. It is very common for one partner to do more nurturing, caring, and making sure everything is ok. Does this sound like you? Do you do the caretaking for the family and the relationship? Does it feel like you Love TOO Much?
If we care more and love too much, then by implication it feels like the other cares less… Nobody wants to feel like their loved one doesn’t care as much… It doesn’t feel good to feel less cared about… It doesn’t feel good to love too much…
What happens next is that our whole routine revolves around our loved one/s, our whole week and lifestyle revolve around our loved one/s, our whole life revolves around our loved one/s… We lose sight of who we are, what we are meant to do, of our growth, of where we want to go and who we want to become, and of our actual Journey…
We become myopic, we miss the forest for the tree. We focus on the minutiae of the everyday. We get distracted by others’ whims and agendas and by bright shiny objects. We bang around without purpose.
We fill our days with crap – a bunch of meaningless tasks and a lot of running around. Our tasks are not related to projects. Our projects are not related to goals. Our goals are not related to our vision. We are just wasting are precious time, our precious limited Life Energy…
Some don’t even have outlined tasks, clear projects, established goals or a driving vision… So, you see how easy it is to get lost in the everyday. To focus on what our partner is doing or not doing. To micromanage our home and our loved one/s. To get overly involved in other people’s business. To care about the concern of others. To take over other people’s responsibilities. To take it all on because it’s easier to fill in our void with others’ stuff…
Then we wonder why we feel overwhelmed, anxious, lost, blah, bored, resentful, exhausted, taken for granted, lonely, alone and the like.
It’s easy to distract ourselves from ourselves by loving too much… This is easy to do when we don’t fully own ourselves, for what else are we supposed to do… If we don’t have ourselves, at least we have others…
We have nothing else to care about so we put all our care on them… But then we feel bad because we care more than they do… Then we don’t feel cared about enough…
We create a super hurtful and harmful cycle… We neglect ourselves and our lives. We feel stuck, empty and unhappy. We wonder what’s the meaning of it all… We are missing the forest for the tree!
Stop doing for your loved one/s what they can do for themselves.
Stop micromanaging.
Stop obsessively checking in and on everything.
Stop redundantly tracking everything.
Stop doing stuff for the sake of doing stuff.
Stop filling your life with junk.
Stop doing stuff that doesn’t serve you.
Stop saying yes to other people’s agendas.
Stop __________________.
Stop wasting your precious Life Energy on pursuits that don’t enhance your Journey in some way… Minimize the chaos, the mundane, the minutia, the redundant, the excess, the spinning, the grind…
Stop loving too much, for when you do you also enable others to not do for themselves… This is actually not helpful, you cheat them of the possibility of them figuring it out… Being too helpful is not helpful… Just stop.
Focus on what brings you joy and helps you create your Best Relationship and Life. On what moves the needle forward in your Journey. What enriches your life and the life of the people you love… Not by fishing for them but by teaching them how to fish and by collaborating…
Loving TOO Much is not a great quality, it’s not a character strength… It is actually a sign of codependence, a quality that holds back the people involved…
When we love too much, we become codependent where the members of the relationship/s are held back from their full potential by the dynamics they create. The helped person can’t learn and have self-agency. The helper becomes obsessed with the other at their expense. Neither side wins. This contributes to stuckness in relationships…
APPLICATION: Find three behaviors/tasks you do on a daily basis that are Life Energy sucking and Signs that You Love TOO Much… Figure out how to stop engaging in those behaviors by replacing them with healthy, effective and productive ones, for example:
Have a system for doing food and other shopping so you don’t run out of things
Prep food and snacks
Teach children how to make their bed and make it their responsibility
Teach children / discuss with partner how to pick up their stuff and put dirty clothes in hampers
Agree on who puts the dishes in the dish washer and who empties it
Design lunchboxes duty and agree on who is responsible for putting them together
Create a morning routine where everyone is responsible for getting themselves ready and ready to go
Have a place for backpacks, lunchboxes, school papers, school activities supplies/equipment, etc. (to have been packed up or prepped the day before!)
Have a place for coats, gloves, scarves, shoes and such
Don’t run stuff your children forget to school
Prioritize money producing tasks at work or completing your important project’s tasks
Block off time to do focus work
Don’t have a million errands to run after work
Have a streamlined afterschool, evening and bedtime routine
Block off selfcare time, couple time, social media engagement time, etc.
Have a system for doing laundry a couple of times a week only
Select a recurring time to do home admin tasks and synchronize with your partner
Loving too much is not the way to go. To create a radiant and successful relationship, and meaningful life, we are to fully own ourselves and empower others to do the same… We are to shoot for Interdependence in our relationship/s with extreme personal ownership, reciprocity and collaboration.
We want to love compassionately and passionately and give our relationship/s our best, not our worst by loving too much…
Wishing you much joy, connection and love today and always…
Copyright (c) 2021 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Couple Strategy™ that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly connection notes in your inbox with Personal Development and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com
It is not easy to live a successful and meaningful life. It takes intentionality, focus and dedication to stay the course. Our life Journey has ups and downs, and at times it can feel like an obstacle course.
With the many demands of today’s modern life and specially recently as we’ve weathered a global pandemic, things can be challenging. It can be overwhelming to manage all the demands and responsibilities. This is why it’s so important to uplevel your support and collaboration.
Imagine having world-class support and collaboration protocol to help create your Best Life. Then the Universe becomes the limit…
It is no fun going it alone. And most importantly when we don’t have the proper support, we hold ourselves back from creating the life (and relationship!) we desire… For you see, when we try to do everything by ourselves in a vacuum, it shows in our results…
When we go it alone:
We are limited by how much we can do, by our knowledge base and by our skill set
We are focused on doing and forget Being
We elude our creativity and our knowing
We are flooded by the minutiae of life and miss the forest for the tree
We miss savoring life experiences, the simple pleasures and amazing people
We cheat ourselves of connection and intimacy
We hold ourselves back from the potential that leveraging and connectivity can afford us…
These limitations have a massive impact:
We hold ourselves back from our true potential and from living our full Human Experience
We settle for less and can’t even imagine having something special to contribute
We erode our connection and bond and jeopardize the essence of our relationship
We subscribe to subpar parenting tactics
We neglect, abandon and even abuse ourselves
We end up:
Settling for a job we hate and merely getting a paycheck to live from month to month
Creating a mediocre relationship, tolerating our partner, missing out on our epic love
Misparenting our children to the point that they become ill, symptomatic, misbehaved, maladjusted
Damaging our body, mind, and spirit
For those that are still carrying the badge of honor for: Sacrificing themselves, exploiting their every ounce of living, and running themselves into the ground – I implore you to reconsider your approach!
It behooves partners to crack the code on how to better support each other and implement a Collaboration Protocol into their lifestyle to create the life of their dreams. They can easily accomplish this through the Relationship Enrichment Lifestyle™.
What does support and collaboration look like in a relationship? Every relationship has their own flavor of this, but the essence is to have a divide and conquer approach. Where one partner picks up where the other leaves off. And, where both partners are in the loop and current on everything that’s going on in their joint lives. But, most importantly where the partners are working together to achieve a common goal.
The partners designing and working together towards a Joint Life Vision is the key towards creating your Best Life and having your fullest Human Experience…
Ok, so how do we create a fabulous life and epic love relationship when we are already stretched thin and overwhelmed? You set yourself up for having better support and collaboration, you create a Strong Partnership.
Setting Up for Success
Success and creating awesomeness doesn’t happen by accident. We have to be intentional and proactive about it.
SECOND – Envision: Design your Joint Life Vision that flows from your values and has clear goals
THIRD – Structure: Create your Ideal Day (daily routine) that you’ll follow as a template
FOURTH – Systematize: Set up systems for sharing responsibilities, completing tasks, building Habits
FIFTH – Flow: Include buffers and transitions into your routines
This formula helps reduce the overwhelm and set yourself up for a productive, meaningful and joyful life. It:
Creates space to operate differently
Identifies your North Star to guide your aspirations
Provides a structure to contain your endeavors
Promotes an effortless approach to managing your days and the business of life
Supports operating with ease and joy
What’s important to note hereis that our ability to implement this depends heavily on: Our mindset, communication skills, how we meet needs, and bond with our partner. Partners who jump into problem solving and changing up their lives have a hard go of it if the other relationship Elements are not robust
If it was easy to create a fabulous life and epic love relationship, then everybody would have these things. Our job is to invest in ourselves and our relationship so that we are in good shape to create our Best Life. And so that we have an amazing Human Experience.
ASSIGNMENT: Identify where the weak link is in your life and relationship right now. It can be within one of the Elements, or in one of the steps in the Success Formula.
Decide how you will go about addressing your weak link… Take an immediate action to get the ball rolling in creating your radiant and successful relationship and meaningful life…
As with anything, when you bring consciousness, focus and attention to something, Awesomeness happens. I wish this for you in your life and your relationship.
Wishing you much joy, connection and love today and always…
Copyright (c) 2021 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Couple Strategy™ that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly connection notes in your inbox with Personal Development and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com
It feels terrible when we have the same arguments over the same disagreements, over and over again… Doesn’t it? It’s so frustrating to feel like we are living in the twilight zone, or that we are having a Groundhog Day experience… It’s tough to know that we’ll have the same conversation without resolution, yet again. Feeling like beating your head against the wall? Having repeating arguments, how you’re your relationship dynamics?
Having the same fight, or conflict, over and over might have to do with communication skills, but most importantly it has to do with your relationship dynamics… For you see something happens before a fight ensues, before a conflict is identified or sometimes even before verbal communication is started. And that is being triggered…
Being triggered means our sensitivities get perturbed. Or that core or old wounds or trauma get poked. The poking engenders strong emotions such as anger, fear, anxiety, sadness, numbness, or feeling out of control.
When these feelings come on strong, they are accompanied by higher activation of neurotransmitters in our brain and hormonal release. The cocktail floods us and monopolizes our brain activity, becoming less engaged with our higher executive functioning. This is where the amounts of skills or tools you have don’t matter as they become inaccessible…
Our getting thrown off might result in our isolating, shutting down emotionally, becoming argumentative, or becoming physically aggressive. At this juncture the partners resemble toddlers in their ability to manage themselves.
This is why it’s so important to do our personal development work. For healing and growing ourselves up, so we don’t walk around with gaping wounds and sensitivities that are easily triggered. And that drive our approach to life and our relationship, and our relationship dynamics…
In interactions with our partner, we have the opportunity for healing and growing ourselves up. This is the bonus benefit of being in relationship with our Partner and their perfect imperfections that perfectly complement our own…
It behooves partners to not lose sight of this gift, and to transcend the recurring dissatisfying patterns by addressing their triggers through the Relationship Enrichment Lifestyle™.
When getting triggered in our relationship, there is a built-in opportunity to now get what we didn’t get growing up (to heal)… And, for learning how to stretch ourselves to meet our partner’s opposing needs (to grow up, become whole)…
Once we integrate this into our relating, we are able to tap into our inherent relationship synergy… This is when the waters part, and life is our oyster… LOL
Learning what drives the dynamics (our and our partner’s triggers) and how to work with them for our evolution and more meaningful Journey, is a marvelous lens and mindset to embrace in our relationship. This is when we stop the power struggle and becomes allies. This is when we become a true Partnership…
This is then our conscious and intentional relationship. Being aware of our triggers and being mindful and intentional about addressing them, is the way to change the relationship dynamics and to create the relationship we want. This is the key to our transformation…
Changing the Dynamics
It’s very easy to feel stuck, frustrated and hopeless when it seems that we just go around and around in our conversations, if we even have them, without getting anywhere. The same issue/s keep creeping up and no matter what we do we can’t seem to crack the code. But with a little mindfulness and intentionality we have the keys to the kingdom.
The Reactivity
The key is to pay attention to the reactivity. Start noticing when you get prickly, what gets on your nerves or annoys you, what are you sensitive about, what touches your sensitivities, and such. Now do this by observing what happens to you, what comes up for you. Don’t do this by focusing on what your partner is doing or not doing, and taking yourself on a ride about them…
Then notice how you respond in the interaction or situation. What do you do outwardly and inwardly? What are your “emotional behaviors”? Shut down, withdraw, distance, dismiss, minimize, and the like? Or pounce, attack, pursue, nag, control, maximize, and the like?
The set of reactions you identified are your go-to Defense Mechanisms…
You can be on a spectrum from Distancer to Pursuer… The higher the conflict in the relationship, the more the polarization…
What are you feeling behind your defense mechanisms? Controlled, smothered, suffocated, cornered, unappreciated, inadequate? Or, abandoned, rejected, unwanted, unworthy, unsupported, alone?
These feelings are your Wounds…
The Distancer feels – Controlled, smothered, suffocated, cornered, unappreciated, inadequate
The Pursuer feels – Abandoned, rejected, unwanted, unworthy, unsupported, alone
Share the instructions with your partner and have identify their Defense Mechanisms and Wounds… I’m sure that by just doing your side, you can probably identify your partner’s as well. But it’s best for them to identify and own their own experience…
Regardless of how you arrive at identifying your partner’s side, I’m sure you’ll notice that you are opposites… A little or a whole lot.
Now, don’t let this scare you as Opposites Attract… And, once you start doing your work, you’ll become less polarized and learn to work with your differences to the satisfaction of you both.
Your Reciprocity Loop
Your dynamics is a reciprocity loop, a recurring repeating pattern. Actually, it’s a beautiful dance between the oppositeness…
You want closeness, they want space.
You want to discuss things to process, they need time on their own to think to process.
You want to be flexible, they want to run on schedule.
You want to do things together, they want to do things on their own.
And, so on…
Partners might get triggered in the face of the different preferences… Specially if there is already some disconnection and unappreciation going on at the moment…
The Looping: Something happens. Partner A gets Triggered and responds with their Defense Mechanism. Which Triggers Partner B, who responds with their own Defense Mechanism. Resulting in Partner A having their Wounds/Feelings additionally triggered, to which they respond with more of their Defense Mechanism. Additionally, triggering Partner B’s Wounds/Feelings. And on it goes…
Let’s say:
Partner B announces they’ll be away for the next three days.
This makes Partner A feel unwanted, rejected and abandoned.
They react by demanding why the partner is going away, asking a million questions about the trip, requesting a gazillion things get done before they go away, asking them to come back early, and such.
Partner B now feels controlled, nagged, and trapped.
They in turn don’t want to provide details on the trip, are evasive about the possibility of coming back early, forget to do some of the tasks requested, and such.
This makes Partner A feel more unwanted, alone, dismissed, unsupported. So, they become more controlling, demanding and such.
Now Partner B feels more controlled, unappreciated, and suffocated.
And it can really escalate…
Does this sound familiar? I know, you are not alone!
The Transformation
Without spelling out therapy sessions here, the first and most basic thing to do is keep your understanding of your dynamics top of mind.
So, when your partner does something that triggers you, you can put it in the right context for yourself and address what comes up differently…
And so, equally as important, is to be mindful to not operate or react in a way that triggers your partner…
Giving each other a different experience, especially a different outcome in the face of a trigger is what’s healing… These are reparative experiences.
Another way to be healing is to ongoingly and proactively do behaviors that are antidotes to the Wounds. So, what’s needed is provided without having triggers making noise to get needs met.
For example, build-in couple/connection/togetherness and individual/alone/separateness times into your routines…
The additional beauty here, is that in stretching to give our partner their preference, we grow… So, it’s a win-win.
And that’s how you do it. Hang on to this golden ticket my friend, play with this concept to transform your relationship. You’ll be amazed at what’s possible once you crack this code! Enjoy!
ASSIGNMENT: Make a concerted effort at becoming a conscious and intentional couple… Keep your dynamics and working them top of mind!
Identify your Defense Mechanisms and Wounds
Identify your Loop
Identify behavior and attitude changes to avoid Triggering each other
Identify and implement ongoing Habits to tend to the Needs related to the Wounds
As with anything, when you bring consciousness, focus and attention to something, Awesomeness happens. I wish this for you in your life and your relationship.
Wishing you much joy, connection and love today and always…
Copyright (c) 2021 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Couple Strategy™ that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly connection notes in your inbox with Personal Development and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com
Hey, we can all relate to being annoyed by our partner at one point or another. But sometimes this goes beyond our idiosyncrasies, quirks or habits. Sometimes we just pick, pick, pick and go around and around. We argue to make our point and prove ourselves right. We get into fights about how we are talking and arguing. And the fights might even escalate to epic proportions. There is no fun and love in that.
I you are bickering and fighting, how are your communication skills? Have you considered this as part of the issue?
I’ve been giving this topic more airtime recently to really help partners get over this hump:
Having great communication skills is a must in our relationship, actually in any relationship, for the partners, or parties involved, to feel good about the exchanges being had. In a love relationship this is paramount for helping the partners feel heard and understood, repair and apologize, get on the same page, make decisions, address issues and resolve conflict.
This is primarily where the safety and flavor of the relationship is created. This is where the partners get to gel, feel close and create intimacy, feel belonging and acceptance, address how to create their dreams and the rest of it.
When partners keep missing each other in interactions – when they force their perspective and miss their partner’s, when they hear what their partner is saying in terms of how it impacts them instead of understanding their partner’s experience, when they are not attuned or available, how are they to get on the same page and feel understood and accepted?
It is impossible to get on the same page when we say something, and our partner responds not to what we said but to what they interpreted and assumed we meant. And, when we do the same to them…
The key here is to listen with an open heart and compassion. To listen with the intent of understanding what is going on for our partner, regardless of what that means for us. And to definitely not make it about what it means about us!
So, just listen. Try to understand what they are saying without getting stuck on the words being used. And try to understand what it means for them, what is happening for them, given what they are saying. Don’t make assumptions, translate or play therapist!
Then, reflect back what you are hearing, repeat to them what you heard them say: “I’m hearing you say __________”.
When partners feel genuinely heard, they stop repeating themselves, they stop using pejorative and blaming language and they soothe any agitation or intensity…
This very basic skill is a game changer! Give it a good try.
Debriefing Chats
Couples experience the most difficulties during transition times in their routines and life flow… Moving from work mode to couple or family time is usually a major friction point and when most of the arguments happen…
Building in some time to realign as you switch gears is key to pave the way for being together, honoring each other, and enjoying what’s up next.
All it takes is intentionality. Start by agreeing when the transition time is… This in and of itself is massive. Usually, partners are not on the same page about this and are automatically set up for conflict…
This would look something like: Having “Morning coffee/tea” at 7 am Touch base at lunch at 1pm Dinner time / evening routine starts at 6:30 pm Reconvene at 1 pm on weekend days
Once you have a time, use this time align – share what you’ve been doing, things you experienced, what’s on your mind, address any lose ends or concerns, recap game plan for what’s up next and such…
This ensures you flow and operate well together. It prevents all the nonsense couples experience and build-up of minutiae and concerns and therefore chaos and resentment… Implement this immediately to take charge of your day and flow with each other. Enjoy!
Appreciation Sprinkles
It is hurtful to not be seen and recognized in our relationship. Especially when we try to be loving, kind, generous and attentive and it seems to fall on blind eyes and deaf ears. Better yet, might feel like our partner is in a sensory deprivation tank or another plane of existence! LOL
Don’t get me wrong, they might feel the same way. It might seem to them like we are in a sensory deprivation tank or another plane of existence…
There are many ways to address this, but the easiest and fastest is to simply be mindful…
What does this mean in this context? It means to be present and aware, to notice. And then to action this awareness…
At any moment in time when you see your partner, let them know a couple of things they’ve done that day or how they were that you appreciated.
To remember to do this, you might do it at specific times in your routine: When transitioning from one part of the day to another or from one activity to another, before meals, at bedtime and such.
This minor caring gesture is super powerful in shifting energy and reconnecting… Play with this one with gusto. It’s super rewarding.
These are so easy to implement and yet powerfully transformative.
ASSIGNMENT: Decide which Communication Hack you’ll embrace first and make a Habit of it. Add it to your Habits list / tracker and play full out with it:
Reflective Listening
Debriefing Chats
Appreciation Sprinkles
As with anything, when you bring consciousness, focus and attention to something, Awesomeness happens. I wish this for you in your life and your relationship.
Wishing you much joy, connection and love today and always…
Copyright (c) 2021 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Couple Strategy™ that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly connection notes in your inbox with Personal Development and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com
If you are feeling stuck in your relationship, resentful, cranky, and easily annoyed by your partner, your relationship lens might be a bit smudged… Partners have a tendency to blame their partner for the status of the relationship and how unsatisfied and unhappy they might be… They tend to point fingers, get finicky and demanding or withdrawn and disengaged, and critical of their partner and their ways. Feeling stuck is usually a relationship mindset issue…
What is relationship mindset? Relationship mindset has to do with how you look at your partner and your relationship, what your beliefs are about how partners and relationships should be…
Couples usually have strange ideas of what’s appropriate,expected and required in a relationship and from their partner. They might have very rigid or loose expectations, parameters and desires. And, they might not actually be aware of these, and never mind having them be known to their partner.
This creates unspoken expectations, needs and desires for each partner that the other might not have any clue about. How are they to do right by their partner?
To make matters worse, partners love to be in each other’s Circles, in the other’s business or personal domain… They love to tell each other how to think, feel and behave… When partners impinge on the other’s circle they are not minding their own and are crowding the other’s. This is disempowering to both creating impasses and stuckness…
Between having a messy view of how relationships should be and not having great personal boundary setting skills, the partners set themselves up for disillusion, disappointment and drama.
The Relationship Enrichment Mindset™ has to do with:
Looking at your partner as your Life Partner, they are your person
Understanding that your Partner is not perfect and that their imperfections fit perfectly with your sensitivities to give you an opportunity for healing and growth…
Looking at your relationship as your playground to learn how to play better…
Embracing your Partner as your Ally in your Journey and that there is inherent synergy in your relationship
Operating from a heart-compassion-love vs head-ego-fear lens
Embracing a both/and vs either/or approach
Giving your Partner the benefit of the doubt, grace and consideration
Understanding that nothing is static, and your relationship will have ebbs and flows
Owning your contribution for the status and flavor of the relationship
Being accountable, transparent, available and engaged
Pursuing personal development and relationship enrichment as a matter of course
Having a growth, progress and success approach to life and the relationship
Deciding what kind of partner you want to be and pursuing that with gusto regardless of where your partner is at
Staying in your own circle and addressing concerns from your circle
Knowing what you are willing to accept and tolerate and clearly expressing it
Knowing what you are not willing to accept and tolerate and clearly expressing it
Knowing your needs, expectations, desires and wishes and clearly expressing them
Expressing yourself without making others wrong, stopping the self-righteousness
Establishing what you’ll do when your boundaries are crossed – other’s impinge in your circle or you are not honored
Responding moderately and appropriately when you are crossed or wronged in some way
Taking ownership of your day, schedule, belongings, environment, body, thoughts, feelings and all actions
Taking responsibility for meeting your own needs
Taking responsibility for your self-care
Taking responsibility for investing in your relationship and being the best partner you can beAren’t these concepts beautiful?
Some of them might seem to you farfetched or impossible to implement. I promise that they are all extremely possible and easy to take on, and life and relationship transforming once embraced.
Our couples love the concept of the circles. They find this has been the easiest way for them to learn how to fully own themselves and not their partner… And the easiest way to implement setting effective boundaries.
The boundary setting is on and for us, not our partner… People have the misconception that we set boundaries on others. This is a ludicrous concept as we can’t make others do things and be a certain way!
How are we to implement what others do and effect how they are? It doesn’t even make any sense. And, furthermore, people are taught to apply consequences to others when they cross their boundaries. Let’s think about this for a minute. How do we set a boundary on somebody, and who are we to give them consequences, or worse punish them?
Can you imagine your partner punishing you because you crossed a boundary they set on you?!
This is such a backwards way of looking at boundary setting, not for nothing most people are not great at setting them. Intuitively they know these is the wrong approach.
We don’t set boundaries on others, we don’t give them consequences or doll out punishment…
Aside from the prescription above, the way to set boundaries is to speak from our circle, to make our wishes and desires known and to make mindful and appropriate requests accordingly. Then we decide what we’ll do should the other not respect our wishes, honor our desires, respond to our requests or meet our needs as previously agreed.
You see how much more control and power we have over ourselves and our lives when approaching interactions and situations setting boundaries this way?
Don’t be intimidated about upleveling your relationship mindset and about setting boundaries. Start by taking in the mindset and taking ownership being in your circle and not your partners. You’ll see…
ASSIGNMENT: Take stock of where you can stand to have better boundaries and own yourself more…
1- Make a list of all the areas that need attention and all the people you might need to address…
2- Select one area to tackle and go at it with gusto – implement what you must to own it
3- Select one person you need to address to set better boundaries with them – share what you will no longer accept or do, and what you will do should that thing become an issue again
As with anything, when you bring consciousness, focus and attention to something, Awesomeness happens. I wish this for you in your life and your relationship.
Wishing you much joy, connection and love today and always…
Copyright (c) 2021 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Couple Strategy™ that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly connection notes in your inbox with Personal Development and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com
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With this Mini Course learn how to immediately Break your Impasse, Improve your Communication, Increase your Intimacy, Connection and Fun, & Create a Strong Partnership...
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Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT has been in the mental health profession in varying capacities for the past 20+ years. She is the Founder and Director of metrorelationship.com a psychotherapy and coaching practice specializing in working with busy professional and entrepreneurial couples who are struggling getting on the same page and feeling connected. The work helps couples create a radiant and successful relationship and meaningful life by becoming a strong partnership and increasing their connection, intimacy, and fun. Emma is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Relationship Strategy™.
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