The concept of setting effective boundaries might feel a bit played out. But it’s interesting that most people still have no idea what setting boundaries actually means… We don’t set boundaries on others, give them consequences, or punish them… We have no control over others, we are not the boss of them- not even our children and our employees or team-reports!
We set boundaries on ourselves… We have to take charge of the things we do have control over, and that is ourselves… We very often disempower ourselves by focusing on what others are doing or not doing… Empower yourself by staying in your circle…
So, let’s put this into the proper context. Setting boundaries is an act of self-love. It means we decide what we allow to be in our life. Be it in our thoughts, our environment, our relationship, our work, our life in general…
When something is not working for us, we don’t set a boundary on the other person- we don’t tell them what to do. We set a boundary on ourselves, we decide what we’ll be willing to allow to continue. We decide to change our thoughts and how we look at things. We decide how to feel and how to respond.
We decide what our actions, habits, and routines are. We decide how we want to show up to a conversation. We decide what is acceptable behavior, treatment, responses, outcomes, and such. We decide everything we allow…
How does this play out in interaction with others? Beautifully… For when you fully own all of you, your needs, your desires, your expectations, how you show up, how you respond, how you set things up and such- things can’t but go smoothly…
You take care of yourself, you exude confidence, you are responsible for your results, you clearly express your expectations in a way that others can respond positively to them, and you appropriately address when the expectations are not met.
And this doesn’t mean punishing people- this doesn’t mean nagging your partner or giving them the cold shoulder. This doesn’t mean yelling at your children. This doesn’t mean berating your employee.
Addressing unmet expectations means you share how you were impacted, how you feel and how this doesn’t work and why. It means you address what might gone wrong for the other that they let you down.
It means you put something in effect to address what happened and a preventative measure. It means you consider the other person’s needs, skills, abilities, and such so your expectations can be met. You address the situation for a win-win.
We never set a boundary at the expense of another. They might not like your boundary of what you will not put up with or tolerate, or what you will no longer do. But you will never tell them to do something harmful or against themselves, nor tolerate this for yourself… And you are not to tell others what they need to do or not do, feel, or think. That’s in their circle…
This obviously applies to our relationship with our partner. We co-create with them, we inspire each other, we address our needs so we are both taken cared of. We don’t tell our partner that they can’t have an affair. We inspire our partner not to have an affair… We address our side being fully mindful and conscientious of theirs. We do not live in a vacuum. We do not do things at their expense, never.
Even should you be getting a divorce, you are still a fellow human being with a heart. Always go for the win-win… Always keep your side of the street clean. Always take the higher road. You are the one that has to live with themselves at the end of the day…
Even with our children – we don’t own them. Our job is not to control them… Our job is to discipline them- which by definition means help them learn… We teach, guide, set them up for success, and support them… We honor their feelings. We show them how to fully own and expand themselves…
Even with our employees. They have a job description, they have processes to follow, and milestones or goals to achieve. They know when they are not performing to what is expected. That is the conversation. We can’t “manage” people, we can inspire and “lead” them… Sometimes words are limited to fully convey a message, but I think you get my drift.
Even when we lovingly release a partner or an employee… It’s ok if they don’t like your boundary, they can choose what they need to do to meet themselves and you to continue to take care of yourself.
Everything that happens, happens FOR us- remember that… There is always a solution for the higher good of all…
This applies to everything in our lives… It’s ok if they don’t like that you will no longer be folding and putting away all the laundry. Decide what works for you and offer that. You can take the other’s preferences into consideration and together come up with a plan that works for both of you. But at the end of the day, you will no longer be folding and putting away all the laundry…
If the other is not cooperative, you always still do your side with the best of intentions for the highest good of all to the best of your ability… Honoring yourself is an act of self-love and imperative for a wonderful and magical human experience. When you operate from this place others cooperate, fear not…
Partners often want to start by having their partner change… They love being in their partner’s circle, then they wonder how come their partner is resistant or uncooperative. Wrong approach my friend! Always focus on your side and the other will follow suit, I promise…
Remember to set your boundaries in alignment with your values… Then they are more meaningful and a lot easier to honor them…
APPLICATION: Compile a list of annoyances and things that don’t work for you in your life… Write it with compassion and grace. Don’t judge yourself or others. They have all served a purpose… Now it’s time to no longer put up with them.
Addressing one at a time: ~ Explore how those things have contributed to who you are today and how you’ve gotten here ~ Identify what no longer works about them ~ Feel the impact they’ve had on you, feel it in your body, breathe through it ~ Thank them for what they have provided you and let them go ~ Identify a practical step to address the things and take an action step towards them today
Taking full ownership and empowering ourselves is not for the faint of heart. If you are serious about Becoming your Best Self, creating your Best Relationship, and living your Best Life- this is not an option. This is how you do it!
Wishing you all the joy, connection and love today and always…
With Much Love & Light!
PS: Do you need support taking yourself, your relationship, and your life to the next level- actually living a healthy, happy, harmonious and overall abundant life?
Copyright (c) 2023 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication? Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Couple Strategy™ that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly connection notes in your inbox with Personal Development and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
The New Year, is a New Beginning and an amazing opportunity for a reset, course correction, and realignment… We want to be intentional about how we start the New Year to set ourselves up to have our Best Year yet… Let’s not set up a bunch of habits, strategies, and routines for the sake of setting stuff up…
The key is for your New Year plan to be thorough yet simple and powerful, and to infuse it with your Essence. We want our new year plan to feel exciting and tantalizing. We a want to have habits, practices and a daily routine that enrich our life and our soul.
We want our days to support us Becoming our Best Self and manifesting our Best Relationship, and Best Life… Here is how to have your Best Year yet…
For starters we must know who we are trying to become and what we want to create/manifest…
We want our life to be made up of what gives us joy, helps us become more ourselves, and supports us in our Journey.
We need a North Star, a Life Vision, to work or walk towards… This serves as our guidance system- we wouldn’t spend a ton of money on an extravagant trip or gift if we are saving to buy a home that is part of our vision, as an example.
If we know what we are trying to create and manifest in our life we can line ourselves up against it, so we are not going upriver, shooting ourselves on the foot, or leaning the ladder against the wrong wall… You get my drift.
We also need to know what we value, appreciate, and prefer in our lives so that we can set ourselves up to have our life reflect that…
When we are planning our upcoming year, or doing any reset for that matter, it is also helpful to revisit our values to make sure we align all our choices and preferences against them.
If we have habits that get in the way of us becoming our Best Self, if we set up our days to run rugged and neglect ourselves, if we go about our interactions from a depleted state, we are not likely to be creating the life we want that honors us…
Then taking a look at your Life Vision, choose your three Life Areas to focus on upleveling, or what you’d like to accomplish or experience, this upcoming year… And set up habits, tactics, and commitments that when done consistently they help you achieve what you desire.
This is where the rubber meets the road. We want to keep these simple yet powerful for the most impact. Yes, you can have a gazillion-billion tactics but if you can’t stick with them, you won’t get results.
Even if you stick with them, you might be spending a lot of time, energy, and other resources in getting results with a complex plan that can easily be achieved with a much simpler plan and your resources can be better allocated elsewhere…
Be selective about the habits you choose to help you live your Journey as you like.
Your habits need to be integrated into a routine for them to stick… So, intentionally map out your daily routine to include your habits, tactics, rituals, and commitments.
Your choices can have a theme/s to them that culminate Practice/s to fully honor who you are becoming… For example: Mindfulness Practice, Self-Love Practice, Feminine Practice, Creative Practice, Writing Practice, and so on.
Keep in mind to TimeMap to build in open/buffer, transition, quiet, and such times in your daily, and weekly routines, to easily embrace more Being and less doing in your approach to life…
Remember that at the end of the day, you want your days to feel joyful, peaceful, harmonious, connected, loving, creative, and the like.
Identify what kind of flavor you want your days to have and how you want to Be in your life, and then set everything up to allow for that to happen…
Be intentional about your approach to your relationship and your life to create what you desire. To allow you to show up more with your true Essence becoming your Best Self, and creating/manifesting your Best Relationship and your Best Life…
APPLICATION: Review or create your New Year’s plan to make sure you really have your back this upcoming year!
Tweak or add these elements as structured or flexibly as you need… ~ Design Life Vision and identify Values to guide you for best alignment ~ Choose Life Areas or Desired Experiences to give you focus ~ Select Habits, Tactics, Rituals, Commitments, and Practices to help you stay focused ~ Design Routines to help you feel grounded ~ Utilize TimeMapping to help you integrate and balance what’s important to you
Remember this whole thing is for you and a collaborative tool to Align with your Partner as well…
This is to help you more easily do your life, Become who you truly are, and support you in your Journey. This is to gently and beautifully create/manifest with your Partner… This is to have your backs and create your Best Life, and your Best Year yet.
Wishing you all the joy, connection and love today and always…
With Much Love & Light!
PS: Do you need support taking yourself, your relationship, and your life to the next level- actually living a healthy, happy, harmonious and overall abundant life?
Copyright (c) 2023 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication? Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Couple Strategy™ that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly connection notes in your inbox with Personal Development and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
We’ve done amazing work this month getting rid of the noise, creating spaciousness, revitalizing ourselves, and just refreshing for newness… When we clean up, when we create space, when we reorganize, when we get quiet, attuned, and inspired, then we are able to tap into new realms… We can tap into anything we want… The universe is the limit… Let’s discover the newness instore for you…
We can Discover newness only when we are ready for it… If we continue to have, do and be the same old, we’ll continue to create the same old… Make sure you have Refreshed for Newness:
This refreshing process has led us to Dreaming our big dreams… Now we can take the next step in making change happen. I’m sure you’ve already experienced some shifts as you created new energy and flow… Let’s now ride this momentum to mold and create what we desire… It is time to Discover the possibilities…
Dreams will stay just dreams if we don’t do anything about them…
It is our job to explore the possibilities and how to make them happen. But before we get to the how and the what, we must first explore the Why…
The Why is the inspiration, the motivator, the driver, the focus- it’s what keeps us going when it seems unplausible and impossible…
Doing the drudgery of our life, the minutiae and the everyday is mind numbing and tedious when there is nothing we are shooting for. We need a North Star to make even the most mundane meaningful… Our North Star is our Why, it is our creation, it is the reason for our Human Experience… This is what give our life meaning and makes it worth living!
So, what is your big dream? What’s the Why behind it?
Keep asking yourself why is that important. Once you have an answer, ask why is That important. Once you have an answer to that, now ask again why is That important. And, so on, a few times, until you get a deep and meaningful answer…
This is the Big Lens to keep on as you plan, organize, and go about your life. Have everything be informed by this…
What is Possible…
Now, you are ready to explore the possibilities and Discover the newness instore for you…
The environments – What’s décor, feel, brand? What purposes do they meet? What systems are included? What experiences do they inspire?
The everyday – What are your routines and habits? How will you show up? What parts of you are you owning, embracing, showcasing? How are you stretching and evolving?
The relationship/s – How are you treating others? How are you nurturing your relationships? How are you creating meaningful interactions? How are you enjoying your loved ones?
The achievements – What are you working towards? What are your strategies? What are your projects? Who are in your Teams?
The big picture – What kind of life do you want to live? What do you want to have accomplished at the end? What would have been an extraordinary life?
You see when we created spaciousness, cleaned up our ways and reorganized ourselves, we created opportunity… It is up to us to use the new energy and possibilities to create something new… We can create whatever we desire…
Watch the video for embracing this refresh and creating something new… Enjoy!
💐 Not a member? No worries, join us with a Lifestyle Membership. This Membership includes access to our private community, full access to our Member Center and previous content, and access to upcoming Masterclasses at no additional cost, all for only $29 per month.
Copyright (c) 2022 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Couple Strategy™ that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly connection notes in your inbox with Personal Development and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com
I’m sure you’ve heard a version of the saying that if you can see it, you can create it. Yes? What does this mean for you? Does this mean that the Elon Musks of the world get to have huge dreams and then make them happen allowing us to space travel and such? I say we own our own power a bit more and embrace what we can see, we can create also… How about it? Let’s dream and inspire your alternate reality…
Somewhere along the way we lost our ability to dream big… Hey, some lost their ability to dream period. We’ve been taught to be realistic, practical, and not to shoot for pies in the sky… I call that bullbleep!
Any real advancement in our society has come from dreaming. Any real achievements by people have come from their dreaming. Anything I have achieved in my life, including birthing and raising the loveliest of human beings, our daughter, has come from dreaming. I’m sure this is true for you- that anything that you have done you have dreamed first…
So, why then stop and settle for what we have created so far? If our imagination and our dreaming got us this far, it can take us even further… Why not? The Universe is literally the limit…
I say we take ourselves playfully seriously and embark in allowing ourselves to Dream again, to dream more, to dream bigger…
This is one of the qualities that makes us endearingly human… This is a quality that is necessary for our survival as a species and for our continued evolution. This is the same quality in each of us that allows us to have our Best Human Experience. This is the quality that will allow you to take your relationship and your life to the next level…
In our Refresh for Newness series this month, we have been getting ready to create our New Reality… We covered: Decluttering, Detoxing, and Deconstructing
Now we turn to Dreaming up our new reality for if we can see it, we can create it… Let’s envision our glorious Journey, let’s create our Life Vision, let’s connect with our Alternate Reality where our bigger dreams can come true…
Our Alternate Reality…
We are taking out the big guns now. LOL In the last post on Deconstructing, we started creating our new reality, but it was still reality based… We started breaking up what Is, and creating space for something new… We started creating something new… But now, I want us to challenge ourselves to take this a step further…
Why stay within the realm of what we know might be possible and shoot for just improving…? (And few don’t even allow themselves this luxury! UGH!) Why not go beyond that? Why not envision the best we can? Why not shoot for more, for much more…?
For example, why shoot for just getting along with your partner, having more intimacy, and creating a lovely lifestyle- when you can shoot for creating the strongest and greatest partnership ever and having an epic love affair with your partner. Where the everyday is just that, and we operate jointly at a higher level of creation, fulfillment, and enjoyment… See what I mean?
~ What would this strongest and greatest partnership ever with your partner look like? ~ What would this epic love affair with your partner look like?
This is when you start with a blank canvas, forget your history, your story, your dynamics, who you each have become in your relationship, who you think you each are, what you think your limitations are, etc., and start completely fresh… Start imagining your best relationship ever, with your partner, without any reservations…
This is a super powerful exercise that allows you to stretch into what is possible…
Do the same for the rest of your life. Think as big as you can for what you want your life to be… Watch out for those limiting beliefs and any reservations…
Just dream your Dream, full stop.
When you exercise the power of your imagination. When you stretch to visualize beyond the ordinary. When you embrace your courage to become your extraordinary self and create your extraordinary life. You do!
Give yourself the chance to create beyond what you’ve been creating… Give yourself the chance to take your whole entire life to the next level. Why not??
I say let’s start now. Don’t let fear get you. Don’t let doubt get you. Don’t let yourself get in your own way. You can become the next version of yourself and create your next level in your relationship and your life starting right now.
Just visualize your Best Life, in a vacuum… Yes, that’s the secret- start from scratch and dream your big dream…
Let your dreaming invite newness, create opportunities, open new possibilities, inspire you…
I’ll spare you the explanation of what your brain, psyche, relationship/s, the universe will do with this- just trust and play full out!
APPLICATION: Make a commitment to trust and allow, to be open to newness…
~ Set time to be with yourself and for going inward, to dream… ~ Let yourself relax and be in the moment, let go of responsibilities and shut out distractions. ~ Explore in your mind’s eye or with your imagination what you’d like your ideal, best, extraordinary life to be, look and feel like… Explore all areas of your life, including your relationship of course. ~ Imagine yourself in that life- what are you like, what do you look like, and how do you feel. What do you love about this life and how does that make you feel? ~ Sit with your newfound cocktail of feelings and bring those back with you upon completing this experience…
Capture in your Journal what stood out to you from your dreaming and visioning… What were the most prevalent feelings… Make it a point to feel the feeling you felt, regardless of your external experience…
Our best life starts inside ourselves…
We are cooking with gas now! We’ve decluttered, we’ve detoxed, we’ve deconstructed, we’ve dreamed… Stay tuned for making your dreams come true with next week’s post.
Wishing you all the joy, connection and love today and always…
With Much Love & Light!
PS: Masterclasses
💐 If you missed our recent Masterclasses, you can still get them through our Member Center:
~ Creating a Self-Love Practice – Designing and implementing your personalized practice
~ Relationship Enrichment Mini Retreat – Reprogramming and shifting for connecting more deeply
They include gorgeous workbooks of transformational processes
💐 Not a member? No worries, join us with a Lifestyle Membership. This Membership includes access to our private community, full access to our Member Center and previous content, and access to upcoming Masterclasses at no additional cost, all for only $29 per month.
Copyright (c) 2022 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Couple Strategy™ that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly connection notes in your inbox with Personal Development and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com
Certain times of the year are great for letting go and clearing. Now is one of those times. We can declutter and detox and do other letting go practices and activities. The key is to surrender the old, the grip on our potential, and allow ourselves the opportunity to create something new. Better yet, with the spaciousness and restructuring we allow for newness to automatically emerge… Let’s deconstruct to allow for a new reality…
We are focused this month on refreshing to allow for this newness, so far we covered:
Today we are focusing on Deconstructing… We want to shake up the belief systems, narratives and stories we hold about who we are, our relationship and our life…
We like to believe that we live in a solid and static reality, that what we see and measure is what Is… But scientists have proven this ideology wrong, and that the observer influences what is observed… We live in a fluid reality (actually, we live in a multiverse/reality, but that’s beyond this writing! LOL). Feel free to do your own research if this is a new concept for you…
Our reality is what we make of it as it is what we observe… Additionally, what we observe is influenced by who we are, or rather what lens we put on…
~We have a choice on how we look at things, what we choose to see and how we interpret them
~We have a choice on how we think about things, how we spin them and the meaning we give them
~We have a choice on how we proceed with what we think and how we allow it to dictate the rest
What is fascinating about this is that there is choice everywhere, even the lens we put on…
Everything is constructed… There is no real true reality!
What does this mean for us? It means freedom, that’s what it means. It means we don’t have to be beholding to the habit of being ourselves…
We don’t have to be stuck with the hand we believe we were dealt…
We don’t have to be who we think we are.
We don’t have to be in the relationship we think we are in.
We don’t have to have the partner we believe we have.
And so on, for all this is constructed!
Everything in our life is the repetition of the observation, the thought, the feeling and the behavior. These are all habits (patterns)!
You can decide to be a different person, and be it. You can decide to have a different partner, and have a different partner (without exchanging them for a new person). You can decide to have a different relationship, and have it. You can decide to have a different life, and so it is…
I’m sure this feels really farfetched if you are not used to this fluidity… and looking at things this way… But give it a try nonetheless.
It is extremely liberating to surrender the constraints of what we think Is…
A New Reality…
We can create whatever reality we want… Once you are open to this possibility, anything is possible (pun intended!).
Self – What character strengths would you like to have? What kind of person do you want to be? How do you want to show up in the world?
Start cultivating these strengths, show up as the person you want to be… Keep course correcting when you go back to being your usual self. It takes a while to create a new habit…
Relationship – What kind of partner do you want to be? What kind of relationship do you want to create? How do you want to show up to your relationship?
Start showing up as this partner, responding as this partner and nurturing as this partner… Keep course correcting when you go back to interacting with your usual self (when your partner supposedly instigated something from you [purposeful sarcasm]). It takes a while to create a new habit…
Life – What kind of life do you want to have? How abundant is your life? What experiences do you want to have? How is your life meaningful?
Start noticing more all the awesomeness in your life, being more grateful for everything in it, setting intentions for experiencing your amazing life, and upgrading the meaning you give it… Keep course correcting when you go back to your usual witnessing self. It takes a while to create a new habit…
Pay attention to your belief systems, your narratives and your stories – all these can be dismantled and reassembled in any way you’d like… You can make any case you want… Make beautiful and empowering ones!
You can connect dots however you like to make up whatever picture you want…
You can interpret data however you like to make whatever case you want…
Your reality is just a construction… Construct what you want!
This is your starting point, deconstruct and reconstruct what you already have… See the freshness emerging already!?
APPLICATION: Select what area you want to focus on shifting immediately: Self, Relationship, Life
~ Set time aside to play with your reality
~ Review how you look at your selected area- what is your usual experience and how would you describe it
~ Then look for what other ways you can choose to experience your reality- what if you were to look at it from a 180 degree perspective, what if you were to make the opposite case of what you normally make, what if you were to make a case from your partner’s perspective (or someone else), what if you were to make a case from your therapist’s perspective, what if you were to make a case from your higher self’s perspective, what if- keep going…
Sit with the spaciousness and freshness created… From here anything is possible…
Embracing this concept liberates us from constraints, self-sabotage and self-imposed limitations. This creates a surge of energy that brings freshness and newness. And with them the possibility for new beginnings…
Wishing you all the joy, connection and love today and always…
With Much Love & Light!
PS: Masterclasses
💐 If you missed our recent Masterclasses, you can still get them through our Member Center:
~ Creating a Self-Love Practice – Designing and implementing your personalized practice
~ Relationship Enrichment Mini Retreat – Reprogramming and shifting for connecting more deeply
They include gorgeous workbooks of transformational processes
💐 Not a member? No worries, join us with a Lifestyle Membership. This Membership includes access to our private community, full access to our Member Center and previous content, and access to upcoming Masterclasses at no additional cost, all for only $29 per month.
Copyright (c) 2022 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Couple Strategy™ that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly connection notes in your inbox with Personal Development and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com
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Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT has been in the mental health profession in varying capacities for the past 20+ years. She is the Founder and Director of metrorelationship.com a psychotherapy and coaching practice specializing in working with busy professional and entrepreneurial couples who are struggling getting on the same page and feeling connected. The work helps couples create a radiant and successful relationship and meaningful life by becoming a strong partnership and increasing their connection, intimacy, and fun. Emma is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Relationship Strategy™.
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