It was incredibly nice disconnecting from the usual during our Spring Break… Even when life is grand it’s nice to change things up. I found myself not interested on being on my phone or any other electronic device. It was a struggle checking-in on things and people. It felt like being pulled from a magical dream.
This experience was perfect as it resonated with today’s topic of Detoxing… You know I have to cover it as soon as Spring comes about. LOL Detoxing is a magnificent way of shedding off anything unwanted that has accumulated over time.
So, with one week left to Q1, and the focus being on getting to its finish line and getting ready to rock Q2, it’s a perfect time to assess what we need to Clean out to lighten our burden… and Clear our path…
First off, I’d like to point out that 3/20 was Happy Day. Did you know that? It’s interesting how these kinds of days get identified. It does make sense though. People’s moods are already lifting. Hope this applies to you!
Let’s keep shedding, not just the blah mood, but everything that is a potential block to your Health, Wellness and Success… And, your Successful Relationship…
Think of the areas of your life you are currently focused on upgrading (most likely your goals are targeting these). Or, that you would like to focus on if you are just starting to focus on making changes… Then think of the things that might be getting in the way of making the upgrade or change…
Most likely the things that are getting in the way have to do with the cumulative impact of bad habits and toxicity of some kind… Consider which below might be getting in your way and consider their antidote:
HEALTH:
Sleep deprivation – Sleep 6 to 8 hrs per night of good sleep.
Dehydration – Drink 32 to 64 onz of structured water per day.
Malnutrition – Eat your allotted caloric intake per day of non-inflammatory foods rich in omegas and protein observing a minimum of an overnight 12 hr window before your first meal of the day (basic intermittent fasting). And, minding your intake of gluten, sugar and derivatives, eggs, dairy, meats, soy, peanuts, processed foods and condiments, and certain fruits and vegetables that don’t agree with your body (intuitive eating).
Include targeted supplements into your intake; and cleansing techniques such as lemon water and apple cider vinegar first thing in the morning…
Lack of exercise – Move and stretch every day, and adhere to an exercise routine that you enjoy and includes HIIT (high interval intensive training).
Indulging – Eliminate/reduce (numbing…) tobacco, caffeine, alcohol, elicit and over-the-counter drugs, even prescribed drugs…; unprotected sun exposure, and damaging agents in products and other exposure.
WELLNESS:
Aging – Improve your health with the above, have a great skincare routine that is collagen restorative, keep great oral hygiene (gum disease implicated in Alzheimer’s, along with certain bacteria and viruses including Herpes!) and exercise your brain to stimulate continued neuron regeneration and protect plasticity.
Chaos – Immediately address clutter, disorganization, overwhelm, over commitment, extra responsibilities, poor boundaries, drama, caretaking.
Stuckness – Immediately address repeating patterns, defense mechanisms, scripts, behavioral numbing and time-sucks (over working and spending, dating, TV / Netflix binge-watching, online browsing, social media scrolling, gaming). Pursue Personal Development.
Unhappiness – Upgrade your self-care routine making sure it includes a mindfulness and gratitude practice. Practice compassion and self-love… Own your uniqueness, beauty and gifts. Embrace your voice and your power. Nurture Connection to your higher-power, self, partner, family, community and world at large…
Dissatisfaction/Complacency – Improve the company you keep and your activities, commitments, projects, environments, lifestyle and pursue your dreams (see below)…
SUCCESS:
Limiting Mindset – This is the death of you. If a heart attack doesn’t put an end to your awesome life, this will! Address tendencies to blame, pass on responsibility, thinking “can’t be done”, overcomplicating things, analysis paralysis, not stretching or wanting to learn, taking the easy way out, not going the extra mile, letting low self-esteem and fear get the best of you…
Debt – Stop accruing debt immediately, only exceptions are for investing in yourself as noted in this writing and within reason… Pay off your debt as fast as you can!
Aimlessness – Know your passion, gift, calling, Purpose. Have a Vision, a Strategy, and Goals. Even have a 100-year Plan…! Shoot to leave a Legacy, to make an Impact… Live a life by Design. Live a life well lived.
Non-Committal – Make sure your word means something, have an honor code, be trustworthy, reliable, accountable. Commit to the task, project or any undertaking. Go all in! Show up with gusto!
Inflexible – Stay open to feedback. Be ready to course correct. Always be tweaking and improving – this doesn’t mean embracing perfectionism, this means embracing excellence.
Were there areas that you felt like, “Hey, I got this!”? Were there areas that kicked your butt? Most people do great in some areas of their lives, and not so great in others… The key is to find the areas that are holding you back from your Best Life… These are the areas that need Detoxing…
Select an area you want to address and choose a related specific Habit to change – get really specific… Set up a plan for eliminating (drastically reducing) the bad habit by replacing it with a given antidote. For example: Health / Malnutrition, eating inflammation causing carbs, doing food swaps containing non-gluten grains…
Now, let’s apply this concept to your relationship… What needs detoxing in your relationship?
Context/Mindset (seeing your partner as your enemy or at fault) – bad attitude, blaming, selfishness, inconsideration, rudeness, poor boundaries, assumptions, scripts
Communication/Alignment (being in frequent fighting and disagreements) – interrupting, yelling, cursing, picking, criticizing
Connection/Intimacy (feeling alone, unloved and disconnected) – no affection or physical interaction, distance, absence, unavailability, exits
Collaboration/Partnership (feeling overwhelmed, unsupported and stuck) – taking on too much or too little, not enough No, not enough Yes, disorganization, unfinished projects, no systems, no check-ins, no established roles, expectations and goals
Find the Habit that is sabotaging your relationship from its next level of awesomeness. Eradicate that sucker! Replace it with a Connection Habit™ or upgraded relationship skill (refer to the related issues listed below).
Note that this approach is taking Detoxing to the next level. We are striving to get rid of toxicity, and what is holding you back, forever. We are not settling for a quick cleanse! Let’s do it!
Copyright (c) 2019 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
Mid-March – how about them apples? Times flies when you are having fun, or are too busy! LOL Hopefully it’s the former for you. How is it going? Having a good week? Having a good month (March can be rough on people)? Having a good quarter…?
As we are quickly approaching the end of Q1, this is a perfect time to check if we are on track for the year. This might be tough to face if you were slow getting started with your new year’s strategy.
It’s common that people don’t invest time at the end of the year in planning for the new year. This leaves them planning and strategizing at the beginning of the year. Which in turn prolongs the time that it takes them to actually start working on their strategy and the new goals.
This might still be the case for you if you don’t necessarily create a “strategy” for the year, but set some resolutions, intentions, focus, goals, or such. You might have gotten to the game a bit late.
Also, it might not have been easy to get moving, regardless of how much ahead planning you did, if you experienced some winter blues. You might have had the best of intentions, and then BAM! The winter blues hit and you just couldn’t get a strong enough grip implementing your strategy or getting traction fast enough.
There is yet, something else that might be getting in the way of rocking Q1 regardless of how much planning or not you’ve done. That is having the winter blahs (cabin fever) which has or is slowing you down…
With all of the above you are not alone! These are all very common, and hence the focus of this post.
Then again, maybe the above are not the case for you, and you have been plowing along nicely. Kudos and congrats, you are in the minority and deserve acknowledgement!
Regardless of the boat you are in, this check-in is a mechanism to regroup, refocus, and realign as necessary. It’s not meant to kick your butt or make you feel bad for not being further along than where you’d wish you’d be. The check-in is meant to course correct as necessary. And, this applies to whether you’ve been moving along or not. You want to make sure you are always on your best-known path…
Personally, I like to use the quarterly check-ins to trim off the fat of my usually overly ambitious agenda. I streamline it to what I really want to get done for the quarter… This is a purge to let go of projects, tasks, and routines that might be too much to accomplish or serve as distractions for making the desired dent in the last stretch of the quarter. It’s used to hone-in on accomplishing and experiencing what would make a difference.
Look at your goals and daily approach, and aggressively pare down on the over-ambitiousness, noise, and irrelevant to your progress and enjoyment focusing only on what will result in added Value and Joy:
Leave only that elegant project to complete by the end of the quarter. Cut out miscellaneous little projects or to-dos…
Leave also very targeted self-care and connection habits. Cut out the fluff that feel like time-wasters and that don’t make that much of a difference to you in the moment and long-term…
Leave commitments that enrich your life. Cut out the ones that stress you out or make you feel bad about yourself…
Leave functional tasks that make your life run smooth. Automate, delegate, outsource, or pause any other tasks that you hate to do, are time-sucks, or that can wait…
The idea is to focus on ROI (return on investment) as much as possible so you cross the finish line with the gold.
This is also a great time to check-in with your Partner about the status of things:
How are you seeing and experiencing each other? If your partner is getting on your nerves, remember the 80/20 rule. Where 80% of what is bothering you is actually about you, and 20% about how your partner is being and what they are doing… It’s time to check your relationship mindset!
How is your communication and are you on the same page? If your communication is not flowing well, if you are having frequent arguments, if arguments are explosive, and if it takes a while to regroup from negative interactions then your communication skills might need a little upgrading… It’s time to reinstate the tools you already have or get new ones!
How is your relationship dynamic? Have any dissatisfying/negative recurring patterns? If you find that you are still (or again) power-struggling, your needs are probably not being met appropriately. It’s time to revisit how your needs are being met and how to meet them better!
How is your connection and intimacy? If you feel like two ships passing in the night. If you find that you are always together, but things are friends/roommate-like and boring. If you are having little physical intimacy and affection. You might be focusing too much on your professional and/or domestic life, and not enough on being partners/lovers… It’s time to refocus on the people in the relationship vs the roles and tasks!
How is your partnership? Are you a well-oiled machine? If you find you are not current with each, not supporting each other, not sharing responsibilities somewhat evenly, and/or not working towards a common goal, you don’t have a good structure and systems in place to help you collaborate and properly run the joint business of life. It’s time to get your house in order!
Take that feedback to help you regroup and reprioritize for Q2… Make sure you set relationship goals. Make sure that you explore behavior changes and create new relationship enrichment and connection habits. Make sure you sprinkle relationship nurturing rituals into the mix. This is your H.W., to set up your relationship to be more amazing in Q2!
For now, make a commitment to wrap up this quarter well, and regroup for the next one to stay in alignment with creating your successful relationship and meaningful life, your best life yet this year!
Remember to complete the MetroRelationsip™ Assignment below to help you effortlessly implement this, make changes and immediately start creating your Successful Relationship and Meaningful Life…
Share your experience by leaving a comment below!
Happy Regrouping!
~ Your MetroRelationship™ Assignment
Set time aside this weekend to review your Q1, and to review the status of your relationship with your partner.
Discuss how to wrap Q1 with a Bam, and what you want to institute for Relationship Enrichment in Q2.
Keep it light, forgiving, and as merely an exercise in designing and creating the life you want…
Add this to your Tool Kit…
Copyright (c) 2019 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
With Summer just around the corner, the school year completed for us, and a major dent made on my goals for the year, I’m turning my attention for now to more leisure, fun and adventures. 😉
How was your half of the year so far? What can you celebrate? How are you structuring and planning on enjoying the Summer? Yeah, yeah, you might have already planned your vacation or trips and enrolled your children in camps, but how will you “milk” the summer?
This is an important aspect of life… Even our “down-time” is over scheduled and packed… I’ve heard crazy plans from people like shuttling themselves from location to location for weeks on end without even making stops at home. Of sustaining intense long-day work weeks to squeeze in long weekend trips.
Of having a ton of personal and home projects in the works. And such… These sound good and fun, but usually the end result is missing the forest for the tree. The goal is to reboot, reset, recharge, realign, not to run rugged where you “need a vacation because of your vacation”…
The goal to reconnect with our Self, is to allow for different flow, to synchronize with our loved ones, to regroup on our path, to realign with our values, to tap into our creativity and inspiration, to access the Innovator in us…
How can this happen if there isn’t a moment to “feel”, to “listen”, to “dream”?
What does this mean for you? What is your Summer Philosophy™? Take this weekend to ponder on this and even run it by others. It’s interesting to hear what is happening out there. I find that people are usually completely overschedule and overbooked, or they haven’t given it much thought and are living their lives by default… What camp are you in?
If you are overscheduled and overbooked – even with “fun” stuff. Take a look and be radical about removing things from your experience. You’ll find that the yummy stuff happens in the in-between…
If you haven’t planned much or given it much thought. You are probably in better shape than the category of people above. It’s challenging to switch gears, slow down, let go, and Be… You have the opportunity to start with a fairly blank canvas… Don’t just add stuff to it… Be intentional about it.
This is your opportunity to pamper and honor your Self. Get in touch with what is important to you and what gives you pleasure. Sprinkle related activities or experiences into your lifestyle for the Summer. Make it a goal to Enjoy your Self…
If you are in the middle. Good for you! Just make sure what you put in place and what you didn’t, is by choice and design and that you are really and truly serving yourself, and your loved ones.
Summer is an untapped built-in resource in our life… Why not “milk it” for all it can provide? Use the Summer as a catalyst to Shift…, and catapult you in making the changes you’ve desired. Slow and steady wins the race…
Remember to complete the MetroRelationsip™ Assignment below to help you effortlessly implement this, make changes and immediately start creating your Successful Relationship and Meaningful Life…
Share your experience by leaving a comment below!
Happy Milking!
~ Your MetroRelationship™ Assignment
Pick a Treasure activity, outing, experience or trip to add to your Summer Fun.
Make this a Summer to remember…
Add this to your Tool Kit…
Copyright (c) 2018 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
Partners protect themselves because of the inherent vulnerable position in their intimate primary relationship… It is not uncommon for partners to protect themselves by using forms of control. Control provides a sense of security, safety, preservation, asylum and even freedom.
But these are elusive, they are like sand running through fingers, and hence control is pervasive… Control provides a false sense of being OK, promoting disconnect, pain and dissatisfaction. When partners use control they are actually creating more space between each other. Obviously this isn’t the way to go.
Control can take on many forms. Some common ones include: Anticipating, assuming, mindreading, projecting, using logic and rhetoric, fact-finding, and assigning motive. All which have a negative impact on the relationship…
In anticipating, partners love to think they know what the other will do, how they will respond, what they will choose, how they will feel and such. Yes, because historically our partner has been a certain way and because we know our partner, we can anticipate what might happen…
When we operate from a place of already knowing the outcome, we are not allowing something different to happen. We are not allowing our partner, and even ourselves, from being or doing something different, which is what would create the change we are seeking…
We can make all kinds of assumptions for the same reasons. We might be historically informed, but we are cheating the relationship from evolving. When partners relate through assuming they are creating circumstances for things to go wrong and to be disenfranchised. They are short-changing themselves of an opportunity to connect by checking-in, getting on the same page and synchronizing.
Mindreading is a real arrogant way of being in relationship. Who are we to know what’s in someone else’s mind? Yes, we can make educated guesses, but this is extremely intrusive and disrespectful. We are going in our partner’s mind with our own filters… There is nothing trustworthy of the information coming from this tactic. Talk about really setting ourselves up to fail. Note, this does not refer to imagining how somebody could feel, using compassion…
Projecting is how things get really interesting… Partners start going around and around on topics and experiences losing track of whose issue, feeling, or need it is… This is crazy making in interactions…
Logic, rhetoric, and fact- and truth- finding are all ego-driven. These are ways to prove ourselves right and to make our partner wrong creating a lose-lose situation. And, what’s the benefit in that?
Assigning motives is a sure way to shoot ourselves on the foot. Partners going through a rough patch rarely assign positive motives, give their partner the benefit of the doubt, or extend grace. They are usually convinced their partner did what they did on purpose to hurt or because they don’t care… They assign intentionally and assume the worse.
While these are common, they are not exclusive. Partners have all kinds of tricks up their sleeves to survive their relationship… Imagine employing several of these and others in your interactions. This is the surest way to create bizarre and messy situations.
When you can’t follow what is happening in an interaction or get anywhere, it’s because a lot of these are going on… Make sure you don’t create more damage… Clean this up, and fast! The life of your relationship depends on it, literally!
> Boundary setting and getting needs met:
All of the control tactics are actually boundary injuries… If you find yourself doing the above, or other control tactics, then you are owning your partner and not owning yourself…
If you just had the thought that your partner is controlling, this applies to you as well as you are still “other-focused” and that’s part of a lack of ownership approach… What are you doing or not doing that is inviting your partner to be controlling…? Identify how the way you are carrying on is controlling in and of itself…
Any boundary injurious tactic constitutes putting a knife to the bond between you… This is a most painful, dissatisfying, and hopeless approach to our relationship. Mind how you can clean up your side… Be super diligent about this. The better the boundaries, the better the relationship!
Complete the MetroRelationship™ Assignment below to help you effortlessly implement this, make changes and immediately start experiencing your awesome and radiant relationship, and authentic and meaningful life…
Happy Cleaning!
~ Your MetroRelationship™Assignment
Identify where you cross boundaries in your relationship.
If in doubt, ask your partner… Be ready to receive the feedback, and be grateful for it. Don’t take it as a criticism, it’s just feedback to help you in your evolution…
Do NOT give your partner unsolicited direct or indirect feedback. It is not your job to be their teacher… Your job is to learn from the feedback you get…
Understand how you are crossing boundaries, and what need you are trying to meet. Clean up how you show up, and try a different approach to get your needs met.
Add this to your Tool Kit…
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
I frequently witness partners’ devastation when feeling stuck in their relationship. They share about their pain and hopelessness. They believe things are as good as they are going to get, and think there is nothing that can be done to change them.
The pain is great because if this is as good as it’s going to get, then they think they shouldn’t be in it. And, with that come feelings of failure, betrayal, resentment, anger, loss, sadness and such. In this dooms day perspective they perpetuate their pain…
What’s interesting is that this happens when they are triggered. If asked at other times how things are going, it’s usually far from dooms day. But, when we are triggered it is very easy to miss the forest for the tree. Partners put on blinders and only see the episode that hurt them or threw them off track, and all the previous similar ones.
They are great historians and skilled at threading this negative pattern… They focus on this one dimension of their relationship and refuse to see the rest that’s good, or even amazing.
When partners focus on what is not working as a theme and really harp on what goes wrong, they are setting up a self-fulfilling prophecy. They are looking for things that don’t work. They are looking for their partner’s mistakes. They are looking for things that bother them. And, find they will because nobody is perfect.
They are hyper-vigilant and on alert against their partner… Donning this lens is nothing but self-and-other-defeating, relationship sabotaging, limiting and down right abusive of our Self and our Partner.
The ruminating on the events and interactions that hurt us just serve to retraumatize ourselves. It keeps us stuck in a negative thinking loop, that generates hurtful feelings and that keeps us from acting from our Authentic and Highest Self… This promotes nasty behavior towards our partner and neglectful behavior towards our Self. It is very difficult to set effective loving boundaries and maintain our self-care practice when we are in this place.
We are reactive, and sometimes don’t even realize it… If we continue to nurture our grouch, our lens gets dirtier and dirtier to the point where we lose our sight period. We lose our perspective completely. Then of course it’s hard to imagine there is coming back from the current experience or that something different is possible…
The first item of business here is to suspend all judgment, slow down the recursive thinking, and put ourselves on a time-out. Imagine you can hit a pause button where the movie can stop playing, do that… Do whatever it takes to stop ruminating, analyzing, fact-finding and the like…
This squirrely activity is just like you drinking the poising and expecting your target to die. Stop poisoning yourself! Do any activity that releases positive chemistry in your brain and helps you change your state. You are responsible for how you feel…
From this place you are more resourced and are now able to address your trigger. But don’t go at it until you are able to see your partner’s experience. If you can’t or as soon as you start thinking about it you get retriggered, then you are not ready to address this with your partner. Keep at this until you are ready. Otherwise, you’ll keep hacking at your bond and creating more damage that becomes harder and harder to repair.
Do whatever it takes to see things from your partner’s viewpoint and experience. Understand what is happening for them and the pain they are also in. Access your compassion for their side. Then you’d be ready to effectively and productively address the initial trigger.
Your job is to keep yourself in a resourced state as much as possible, or more and more, for your relationship to work. If you are intent on being right, being resentful for how you’ve been wronged, and upset then there is little chance to make changes in your relationship. Might as well quit now and save yourself a lot of aggravation. But, please know that this does not have to be your outcome! You CAN push through this veil and enjoy the Light on the other side…
> Boundary setting and getting needs met:
The boundary in this instance is of containing yourself. If we refuse to take the hook our partner is casting and if we refuse to take ourselves on a ride, we minimize the damage we usually do. When a trigger happens, take a moment to regroup, change your state, gather what’s happening for you and for your partner, put it all in perspective and then you are ready to go back.
From a less escalated, regrouped, and resourced place you can more easily repair, get back on the same page, and move on. A key element here is that when you take your leave from the situation, that you still remain connected… Otherwise, the triggering continues…
How do you usually keep retraumatizing your Self? Make a commitment now to stop that! Give your Self a lot of love and compassion.
Complete the MetroRelationship™ Assignment below to help you effortlessly implement this, make changes and immediately start experiencing your awesome and radiant relationship, and authentic and meaningful life…
Happy Regrouping!
~ Your MetroRelationship™Assignment
Escalation-proof your relationship to prevent stuckness and hopelessness:
Make an agreement with your partner on how to implement time-outs to prevent escalations, and discuss how to reentry.
Identify items that easily put you in a positive state and integrate them into your routine.
Add this to your Tool Kit…
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
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Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT has been in the mental health profession in varying capacities for the past 20+ years. She is the Founder and Director of metrorelationship.com a psychotherapy and coaching practice specializing in working with busy professional and entrepreneurial couples who are struggling getting on the same page and feeling connected. The work helps couples create a radiant and successful relationship and meaningful life by becoming a strong partnership and increasing their connection, intimacy, and fun. Emma is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Relationship Strategy™.
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