Even with the best of intentions, and even if we activate full grind and grit mode, sometimes we just can’t make the changes we want… This is because everything we do in our relationship and our life is actually driven by underlying programming. We can force this all we want, but ultimately the changes don’t stick if the driving patterns are not also changed. So, let’s focus on deprogramming these presets. We are talking about unconscious and subconscious patterns…
~ Where the unconscious patterns are more visceral, emotional, wiring, and structural of our embodied nervous system… A mind-body connection. Not directly accessible. ~ And where the subconscious patterns are more of a mental and feeling nature, a product of the mind. It includes fears, limiting beliefs, meaning systems, personal narratives, and the like. These can be accessed when we tune in with deepened awareness.
Our job is to identify what’s not working in our life and address it from a deprogramming perspective, not just a behavioral and action taking one.
The more superficial level depends on sheer willpower and discipline, which we know ebbs and flows depending what’s going on in our life and our priorities.
But a deeper approach is more systemic. Once we deprogram, change the preset, everything automatically flows from there with no additional effort or input from us. Ahh…
This is how we truly level up and create the relationship and life we love- not through effort but by resetting the system underneath it all. You with me?
Deprogramming the Layers
When our programs don’t get a proper upgrade, they keep running outdated scripts. Those scripts trigger defenses that reinforce the very patterns we are trying to change. That’s how we get stuck even when we’re doing all the work
The most common dynamic we see in couples is the pursuer-distancer, maximizer-minimizer, relational overfunctioner-underfunctioner, or simply the codependence pattern…
The names vary, but the flavor is the same of how couples keep cycling through conflict and disconnection in their relationship.
This is the new codependence, not necessarily tied to recovery like it was at its inception… This pattern is driven by a low sense of self and programs of insecurities, unworthiness, fear of abandonment, or feeling not good enough, shame, controlled or suffocated. All developed due to less-than-perfect-caregiving growing up…
The Codependence Pattern in Action
The Pursuer – They need reassurance and connection to feel safe or their abandonment and unworthiness wounds get triggered (Usually core female energy partner, core need is connection)
~~ They – Nag, complain, over explain, are very emotive, chase, control, are manipulative
The Distancer – They need acknowledgment and appreciation to feel confident and strong or their not-good enough and shame wounds get triggered (Usually core male energy partner, core need is freedom)
~~ They – Dismiss, hold it in, not very verbal, shut down, distance, gaslight, are passive aggressive
Note: We all have both sets of energies so this is not so black-and-white and both apply to us to some extent…
The Unconscious Deprogramming
The Pursuer – Heal abandonment and worthiness wounds by not abandoning themselves… Taking care of themselves, their needs, self-soothing and self-regulating, nurturing and pampering themselves.
~~ Reparenting in Action – Mothering with nurturing and pampering, Fathering with protection and security
The Distancer – Heal not-good-enoughness and shame wounds by acknowledging themselves… Taking note and being proud of their strengths, uniqueness, accomplishments and achievements.
~~ Reparenting in Action – Mothering with compliments and praise, Fathering with structure and discipline
The Subconscious Deprogramming
The Pursuer – Deconditioning fears, beliefs and stories about being left, not being wanted, being alone, having to take care of everything, not being able to count on others, distrust, being unlovable, being too much, being too needy
The Distancer – Deconditioning fears, believes and stories about being controlled, suffocated, trapped, not good enough, not measuring up, feeling behind in life, being unsuccessful, being used or taken advantage of, not being appreciated or valued
~~ Updating Meaning Systems – Do reality checks being mindful of confirmation bias, look for the exemptions, focus on and cultivate what does work or meets your needs, check for secondary gains- what do you get out of something not working…
Upleveling the Relationship
The Pursuer – Make requests to help you meet the needs for togetherness and connection without being controlling and triggering your partner’s wounds of feeling trapped, without throwing them in a cage
The Distancer – Make requests to help you meet the needs for separateness and freedom without being evasive and aloof or distant and triggering your partner’s wound of feeling abandoned, without throwing them off a precipice
This addresses a couple’s main theme and pattern. Of course, each couple and partners are unique– so apply this to your situation as you see best.
~ The aligning on values and setting boundaries ~ The improving communication skills and tools ~ The intentionally meeting your own and each other’s needs ~ The building connection and intimacy ~ The implementing systems for a smooth collaboration and strong partnership
If we want to level up our life and our relationship, we have to change the preset that’s maintaining the status quo.
No matter how much effort we put in to changing our behavior, habits and circumstances, if we don’t change the underlying programming, all our work will eventually revert back to the established preset…
Identify which part of the dynamics you usually land in and commit to addressing the driving programming to change your preset. This is how you’ll create sustainable and lasting change. Here is to your upleveled relationship!
Happy Deprogramming…
With Much Love & Light!
JUST FOR YOU
This Month’s Activating Protocol – coming shortly:
Don’t have a Membership with us yet?Here are our current memberships that give you access:
Radiance Membership – Subscription of transformational content and much more! (at only $29 per month) Get Enrolled Now Success Membership – Subscription of therapy sessions, it includes the Radiance Membership! Get Started with an Initial Session
RESOURCES
~~ Watch our related videos on our YouTube channel
PS: Do you need support taking yourself, your relationship, and your life to the next level- actually living a healthy, happy, harmonious and overall abundant life?
Copyright (c) 2025 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication? Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Couple Strategy™ that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly connection notes in your inbox with Personal Development and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
Are you feeling inspired and motivated yet? Or, are you feeling out of sorts and kind of blue? Are you wanting to get better traction for the New Year? It recently heard that people use January as a breather from the hectic of the prior end-of-year… I’m wondering if this is true. I haven’t found this to be so, as an intentional tactic anyway… I think that most people mean to hit the New Year running but they immediately lose oomph, or they can’t get themselves into high gear.
This ends up affecting their wellbeing, productivity, joy and even connectedness with their partner and other loved ones… Life just isn’t satisfying… It is not fun to feel out of sorts, floundering, unmotivated, overwhelmed, lost and the like…
The key to any New Beginning, reset, or just plain and simple taking charge of our life to mold it into what we desire lies in how we choose to look at life itself… It has to do with how we view ourselves in our life, how we look at our context and situation, how we look at our partner, how we look at the world and everything else that is important to us…
Yes, getting esoteric and philosophical here for a moment – don’t worry, you know I always bring it down to takeaways, practical application, and assignments… I got you!
First, we have to take the bird’s eye view of our Human Experience… Asking ourselves questions as to:
~ What is the meaning of our life? ~ What is our purpose? ~ How does our relationship play into it? ~ How is our partner our Life Partner? ~ How does our connection support our Journey? ~ What kind of life do we want to live? ~ What kind of legacy do we want to leave behind…?
Not for the faint of heart. But without the big questions how do we even know what we want to create and how to go about it? Usually, not only do we not have the answer, or thought-out answers, to these questions, but we also don’t have our back in going about creating the experience we want…
As I mature and become wiser. As I practice what I preach. As I ongoingly seek to uplevel my experience while being deeply grateful and in awe of what it already is. As I learn more and do more research. As I connect with people smarter and more learned than me. I realize how beautiful and magnificent everyone is in our Human Experience.
And, I realize that most everything boils down to Love… Don’t roll your eyes, hang in there. You’ll like this, I promise…
Everything boils down to Love…
~ The way we are treated, is a reflection of how we treat ourselves… If we don’t love ourselves and treat ourselves well (including our ongoing self-talk in our head!), we won’t receive very good treatment… ~ When we don’t feel well it usually has to do with how we’ve neglected ourselves… ~ The happiest moments in our life can be narrowed down to moments of love and connection… ~ Everything we do is primarily out of love and for our loved ones at the end of the day. ~ When we think about what kind of life we would like to have lived, I’m sure very few people would say that they would prefer to have lived it alone.
Therefore, it behooves us to start off by upleveling how we love ourselves… How we do our Self-Love Practice, and how we choose to show up in the world – including how we show up to our relationship. We can choose to be the Best Partner because we are connected with ourself, resourced, and very much brimming with love, and we can create the most amazing relationship in turn…
It all starts with the decision to want to uplevel your relationship and your life…
Watch the video to learn how to start your New Beginning!
Wishing you all the joy, connection and love today and always…
PSS: Do you need support taking yourself, your relationship, and your life to the next level- actually living a healthy, happy, harmonious and overall abundant life?
Copyright (c) 2024 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication? Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Couple Strategy™ that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly connection notes in your inbox with Personal Development and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
As we get deeper into January, we might be ready to get over the slump of the New Yearand possibly already having quit working on our intentions and goals… The key to creating change is knowing what we want to create and then doing something about it… Action without vision might lead us in the wrong direction. And vision without action, just doesn’t become a reality… So… It’s time to step out of the slump, grogginess, and disorientation… It’s time to step into alignment, integration, and progress with ease, beauty and flow…
A pretty idea of what we want to realize is not enough…
And, that if we even have an idea… Most people are going through life without knowing what they want to create… Without having dreams they are striving for, without having a vision of the life they want to live. How are they supposed to live the life they want if they don’t identify what kind of life it is they want to live. The same goes for their relationship. This is not how we create our New Beginnings… Without intentionality we create by default and old programming… We don’t create what we desire…
So first things first, we have to identify what we value, what we desire, what we want to create, what we want to experience, what kind of life and relationship we want to realize…
Investigating the why we want the things we want is a huge help because sometimes we are being robotic about stating what we want, when with further exploration we might not actually want what we thought we did…
Once we are truly in touch with what we desire and why, then we can go about taking steps to making it happen.
Now, the thing about this is again that we can under or over do this approach depending on who we are… The key is to identify how to go about creating what we desire with ease and joy, not by whiteknuckling it. Gone are the days of the Grind… But we are still to find our stride with how we realize what we desire with a less aggressive and destructive approach… And, obviously not by not doing anything…
Creating change, flowing through transitions, and having our New Beginnings, have to do with honoring who we are, resourcing ourselves, leveraging and integrating this new way into how we go about our life so we create what we desire with ease, joy, and enjoyment!
PSS: Do you need support taking yourself, your relationship, and your life to the next level- actually living a healthy, happy, harmonious and overall abundant life?
Copyright (c) 2024 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication? Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Couple Strategy™ that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly connection notes in your inbox with Personal Development and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
It is not uncommon for couples to have the same recurring issues and arguments… If partners are not intentional and proactive about addressing the underlying reasons for these, they will continue to have them…
Not addressing relationship dynamics can break a couple… Banging around unconscious as to who you really are, what really is driving you, what you really want and how this impacts interactions with your partner, is a sure way to create a dissatisfying relationship and mediocre life. Ouch!
Is this how you want to live your life?
Unless we’ve done personal development work, we all walk around with most of ourselves unknown to ourselves. Isn’t that something?
We have unconscious and subconscious mechanisms at work that inform most of who we are and influence most of what we do… A minuscule of our experience actually happens in our conscious mind…
The subconscious mechanism has to do with how our mind works… We can identify our unsupportive scripts, negative narratives, biases, fears, and limiting believes and address them. We can focus on reducing our Negativity Bias.
The unconscious mechanism has to do with how our embodied-brain works… We can identify/infer our wounds, emotional programming, and physiological responses and address them.
How we were raised and what we experienced growing up influenced our embodied-brain development, our sense of self and our impression and experience of the world…
Left unexplored, we are only aware of and know a small percentage of ourselves and how we experience the world…
This is where partners get into trouble. Partners sensitivities might get poked by the mere being of the other person and their imperfections.
They make assumptions and assign motives as to what they are perceiving.
Their interpretations are influenced by their limited and unexplored knowledge of themselves.
They rely on their senses and their logic to interpret an interaction and experience their partner and their relationship.
And, their senses and logic as limited as they are, they are usually additionally compromised for whatever reason.
When understanding interactions and relationships from this concept, it is really a marvel that people are able to have any sort of good relationships… The whole thing is a constant moving target!
Luckily our brain doesn’t like open loops, questions, and the unknown. I say luckily because then it looks for patterns and responds accordingly, this is useful. Otherwise, it is not great that the brain fills in the blanks with whatever it needs to reassure itself or prove itself right… This continues the virtual reality and veil we live with…
But, working with patterns allows us to plant the flag somewhere, address the experience we are having, and give us the ability to do something about it…
Working with the Unconscious Mind
I usually tackle this topic from the unconscious perspective, as this is where a lot of our programming happened growing up. This is when we literally wired our embodied-brain that’s now used to sense and perceive the world around us… (Element3 of The Strategy, of course addressing our conscious mindset and subconscious, is super important and a priority as well – Element1 of The Strategy)
In interactions with our caregivers we formulated our neuropathways and developed and integrated the structures of our brain. When our interactions were less-than-perfect (because no caregiver person is perfect), we wired ourselves according to the experience that now informs our sensitivities…
We have a filter that is on the lookout for preventing the same pain… The brain is amazing at this. Put the brain on something and it’ll find it, it’ll look for an answer to whatever question, and work on closing any open loops.
Therefore, if we have a theme of a certain kind of parenting growing up that scarred us in some way, the brain will latch on to that pattern…
It is imperative that we are aware of how our brain works so it doesn’t trip us up!
Changing the Patterns
It is our job to discover what is the pattern we keep playing out. What is our brain looking for? What keeps triggering us? How do we respond in the face of this experience that perpetuates the cycle? And in turn, how does this interact with our partner’s sensitivities? How are we co-creating our reality…?
Once we identify what is triggering us ongoingly, we can translate that pain, feeling, wound, into a need. What is the message of the feeling we are feeling? What do we need to give to ourselves to meet the need? What mindful and respectful requests can we make of our partner to help us meet our needs?
And of course, we reciprocate. When they get triggered, we try to understand what might be happening for them. We check if we are understanding them (we don’t run with assumptions!). We ask what we can offer to help them meet their needs. We can have conversations about patterns, needs, and meeting them… It just requires intentionally.
Note, I set this up from the perspective of one partner. These interactions are much easier if our partner has similar awareness and motivation to work on themselves and the relationship. But note that they don’t have to, partners get stuck on this. When we focus on what we do and how we show up, we can create change… We are not at their mercy!
APPLICATION: Take inventory of the theme of your recurring issues, arguments and fights…
How can you go about self-agenting to meet your needs while remaining mindful of your partner and their need and respectful in your approach?
We have to take responsibility of our own experience and how we co-create our reality… This self-agency allows us to create the relationship and life we desire…
Wishing you much joy, connection and love today and always…
With Much Love & Light!
Copyright (c) 2021 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Couple Strategy™ that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly connection notes in your inbox with Personal Development and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com
It’s very interesting to me to watch couples struggle and go around and around… I find that this happens with the ones where partners refuse to take ownership of their own contribution to their relationship’s status quo and are fixated with having their partner change… These are the partners that also are waiting for the magic pill and for me to fix their partner. I have a bit of news for these partners – it ain’t gonna happen!
When partners wait for the other to change, they are waiting. When they wait, they are wasting the moment and the opportunity to have something different – right there and then! If this resonates a bit with you, in that you are waiting for something different in the interaction, I implore YOU to do something differently, to mindfully, respectfully, caringly, and compassionately reach out to your partner about it.
When an interaction is going south, take a step back and see how you are provoking the situation. How you are inviting your partner’s reaction. How you are pushing their buttons, triggering them. How you are hurting your partner. Instead of focusing on how your partner is going about this all wrong, stop your approach and try something different – the more loving and compassionate approach.
We all just want to be understood, accepted and loved at the end of the day. Give that to your partner
I implore you to stop blaming, pointing fingers, and waiting. You will be waiting forever as you cannot change the other, nor drag them to change, push them to change, or beat them to change. Change can only happen when you change yourself! When you are frustrated and in pain because of your partner’s actions and attitudes, take a moment to see what you are contributing to the moment and in general.
Stop being the victim and take charge of what is happening! Take charge in a loving, giving, nurturing, forgiving, investing manner. I’m not suggesting aggression, punishment, ultimatums, control, threats and other ploys partners resort to when they want to take charge… These invite more of the same and escalate your situation.
Please STOP your approach NOW and try something different. Stop going at it from a wounded, deprived, violated and entitled perspective and be NICE! YOU invest TLC. YOU invest compassion, understanding, love, and affection. YOU start and continue to use your partner’s love language and stick to it no matter what.
YOU have the power to invite your partner to a different moment. YOU have the power to break the impasse and seduce your partner. YOU CAN DO IT!
Remember, challenging situations are opportunities for healing, growth, and change. Go about this as if this was a course on change you want to ace. Make believe each interaction is a test… Prep for it, research, get your resources, be at your best, and a have a plan of action to ace your test… Give it your all. Give it your genuine, Authentic all, not your egocentric all… Stop waiting and change your relationship right now.
Complete the MetroRelationship (sm) Assignment below to help you effortlessly implement this, make changes and immediately start experiencing your spectacular relationship. Share your thoughts and progress on our blog page!
Happy Changing!
~ Your MetroRelationship ™ Assignment
Identify your usual “fight”, conflict or disagreement. Think about what is driving the tension. What are you ultimately trying to get out of it? Think about what emotional needs you are trying to meet by holding your ground…
Now think about other ways to get this needs met…
Ask for concrete gestures from your partner that would meet those needs, not necessarily related to the topic of conflict… Share the reason behind your request and that you are stretching your approach to the relationship…
Add this to your tool kit…
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
Search Blog!
STAY CONNECTED WITH US, SUBSCRIBE TO OUR NEWSLETTER
And, Get a FREE Relationship Enrichment Mini Course!
You CAN create the relationship you desire!
You have Successfully Subscribed!
With this Mini Course learn how to immediately Break your Impasse, Improve your Communication, Increase your Intimacy, Connection and Fun, & Create a Strong Partnership...
And with Emma’s weekly Love rich with Personal Development & Relationship Enrichment know-how, announcements, resources and more straight into your inbox.
Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT has been in the mental health profession in varying capacities for the past 20+ years. She is the Founder and Director of metrorelationship.com a psychotherapy and coaching practice specializing in working with busy professional and entrepreneurial couples who are struggling getting on the same page and feeling connected. The work helps couples create a radiant and successful relationship and meaningful life by becoming a strong partnership and increasing their connection, intimacy, and fun. Emma is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Relationship Strategy™.
Pin It on Pinterest
We track visits and User's visit information to analyze our performance and trends in order to create targeted messaging and programs to best serve you. We use cookies to provide a personalized and smoother browsing experience. Refer to our Privacy Policy for additional details.
You consent to our tracking and cookies when using our Websites.OK
![How to Upshift for your New Beginning [VIDEO]](https://akiaiw4iby4ubmrqrbvqcomhaystacksoftwarearq.s3.amazonaws.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/01/24062529/How-to-Upshift-for-your-New-Beginning-VIDEO-1080x675.png)
![Just having a pretty idea of what we want to realize is not enough… [VIDEO]](https://akiaiw4iby4ubmrqrbvqcomhaystacksoftwarearq.s3.amazonaws.com/wp-content/uploads/2024/01/17183321/Just-having-a-pretty-idea-of-what-we-want-to-realize-is-not-enough%E2%80%A6-1080x675.png)
