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Your Relationship Creates a Life of Support or a Life of Struggle
Most partners in relationships believe themselves to be generally a supportive partner. They have an idea of what being supportive means, and believe they are living up to that idea.
Also, most partners believe they are more supportive of their partner in their relationship than their partner is of them. Or that they provide more support than their partner does. Which leaves most partners feeling fairly unsupported in their relationship.
Our relationship is the cornerstone of our human experience. Making support a super important attribute to cultivate in our relationship for it to feel and be best it can be.
The problem is that most partners think they are being supportive, but their partners are not feeling supported. Leaving us with the conclusion that they might not really know how to best be supportive…
In this episode, I talk about how partners believe they are supportive in their relationship but how in actuality they are not. Their words, actions or how they show up is not one of a supportive partner. I offer how to address this from an empowering position so both partners win.
I share 10 specific ways in how partners are not supportive in their relationship that create a life of struggle instead of a life of blissful success, and how to change that. The 10 ways line up with the new edition of the Successful Relationship Strategy™, providing a full spectrum upgrade to uplevel your relationship.
In today’s episode, I:
Share how partners believe they are supportive but how they might not be
Offer 10 ways in which partners are not supportive and how to change that
Show you how to empower yourself and get more support from your partner
Debut the new edition of our Successful Relationship Strategy™
Outline how to advocate for and create a successful and radiant relationship
Announce the celebration of our Practice 25th and our Podcast 2nd Anniversaries with special gifts and offers for you!
10 Ways Partners Are Not Being Supportive (and How to Shift Them)
Commitment & Mindset
Unsupportive: Undermine
Shift: Update Perspective
Supportive: Stay dedicated to figuring out what works for both of you
Failing to support overall success and wellbeing
Doubting, being absent, neglecting goals, not backing dreams
Shift: Reframe expectations and beliefs; hold a success-oriented mindset for each other
Not allowing partner to be authentic
Forcing them to fit roles, not letting them be themselves
Shift: Accept and support authenticity; embrace differences instead of controlling
Communication & Alignment
Unsupportive: Oppose
Shift: Seek Understanding
Supportive: Be mindful to honor both sides of the experience
Gaslighting, dismissing, or invalidating
Making partner feel invalidated, crazy, or “too much”
Shift: Use communication skills and tools; validate each other’s experience
Shift: Listen, notice, and respond with attunement; show care in real time
Connection & Intimacy
Unsupportive: Withhold
Shift: Expand Nourishing
Supportive: Establish nourishing rhythms for connection and fun
Not showing up for what matters
Missing important events, not backing priorities
Shift: Actively check what matters; prioritize presence and follow-through
Not being available for fun, joy, or shared experiences
Always “too busy” or emotionally checked out
Shift: Build rhythms that include joy, play, and connection; delight them
Collaboration & Partnership
Unsupportive: Block
Shift: Help
Supportive: Set up systems to help collaborate and create shared life
Evading real support
Offering words without action, not backing up with practical help
Shift: Offer both emotional and tangible support; back up words with consistent action
Making things harder instead of smoother
Adding stress, making chaos, creating unnecessary obstacles
Shift: Implement supportive structures and systems that make life smoother
The way to support our partner isn’t what we think it is and what we’re giving. We might actually be making things worse in our relationship and our life completely unaware.
The key is being a truly supportive partner is in how our mindset, communication, patterns, rhythms, and systems support our partner and life together.
Shifting these 10 unsupportive ways creates a life of connection and success instead of struggle.
Listen to the episode to learn how get more support from your partner as well. Enjoy!
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~~ Do you need support taking yourself, your relationship, and your life to the next level- actually living a healthy, happy, harmonious and overall abundant life?
We can help with our select memberships: Radiance Membership– Transformational content and experiences subscription (Only $29 per month!) Success Membership – Private sessions and Radiance Membership access! (Start with an Initial Session)
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DISCLAIMER: This content is meant to support your Journey and not as a replacement for professional assistance. Additionally, the ideas and resources provides by our guests are their ideas and recommendations alone and not necessarily a reflection of mine
Copyright (c) 2025 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Summer gives us a natural opening for reflection and recalibration. There’s more space, more sun, and more energy to shift the patterns that aren’t working. In our relationships, that means we can use this season as a reset point, to choose something different, more intentional, and more connected.
In this episode, I walk you through the 5 elements of our Successful Relationship Strategy™ and show you how to use each one to up-level your relationship. We look at what’s common in struggling and “just fine” relationships… and what becomes possible when you start doing things differently.
Whether things feel okay or you’re longing for more, this episode will help you identify how to reset your rhythms and invest differently so you can create the love you really want.
In today’s episode, I cover:
The 5 core elements of a thriving relationship
How average habits quietly cap your connection
What an extraordinary relationship actually looks like
Tangible ways to elevate each element this summer
How these elements at the heart of lasting love
At the end of the episode, I also guide you on how to use summer energy to amplify your relationship reset, from playful rituals to meaningful conversations.
You’ll walk away with a clear framework to assess where you’re at, what might need attention, and how to take aligned action to elevate your relationship from ordinary to extraordinary.
The Framework for Your Reset
1. Mindset & Meaning
The way we think about our relationship shapes how we experience it. Our beliefs, assumptions, expectations, and internal narratives can either create connection, or keep us locked in disempowering patterns.
In a Struggling Relationship – There’s blame, criticism, mind-reading, and unrealistic expectations. Partners often operate from old scripts, inherited beliefs, or rigid roles without examining what actually works.
In an Ordinary Relationship – People avoid big issues, tolerate disconnect, and operate from habit. There’s no intentional reframing, just a general “this is how it is.”
In an Extraordinary Relationship – Each partner takes ownership of their perspective, challenges limiting beliefs, and chooses a mindset that empowers them both. They define their own meaning around love, marriage, commitment, partnership, teamwork, roles, and expectations. And do so with clarity and mutual respect.
Reset – Reflect on what beliefs, expectations, or inherited definitions you’re bringing into your relationship. Where are you making assumptions? Where might those need to be updated?t life, be honest:
2. Communication & Alignment
Communication is more than talking, it’s how we connect, understand, and co-create.
In a Struggling Relationship – There’s defensiveness, withdrawal, constant miscommunication, or escalated fights. Repairs don’t happen or happen poorly.
In an Ordinary Relationship – Partners talk mostly about logistics. Emotional depth is rare. They’re not fully attuned or on the same page.
In an Extraordinary Relationship – Communication is intentional and kind. Partners stay curious, validate each other’s experiences, and repair quickly when needed. They speak from a grounded place and know how to collaborate under pressure.
Try this – Notice your communication patterns. Are you interrupting, shutting down, staying surface-level? What small shifts would make your conversations feel safer and more connective?
3. Clarity & Dynamics
Every couple has patterns but without awareness, those patterns run the show.
In a Struggling Relationship – Partners are reactive, constantly triggering each other and looping through unresolved issues. It’s chaotic and painful.
In an Ordinary Relationship – They brush issues aside or address them only at the surface. The same fights or emotional injuries repeat, and nothing truly changes.
In an Extraordinary Relationship – There’s deep personal work. Partners recognize patterns, take responsibility for their part, and stretch to meet each other with compassion. They use conflict as an opportunity for growth.
Try this – Track one pattern that keeps repeating. Is it a specific argument? A trigger point? A shutdown or explosion? Explore what it connects to and how you can tend to it more intentionally in yourself and together.
4. Connection & Intimacy
Real intimacy requires attention and it’s more than just physical. It’s about emotional presence, shared rituals, and co-created joy.
In a Struggling Relationship – There’s disconnection, minimal affection, poor or no sex life, and unresolved emotional distance.
In an Ordinary Relationship – Couples coexist. There may be affection and sex, but it feels routine. Emotional intimacy and closeness fades over time.
In an Extraordinary Relationship – There’s regular affection, meaningful connection, playfulness, flirtation, and physical intimacy that feels safe, satisfying and soul nourishing. Partners prioritize fun and nurturing.
Try this – Have a check-in about how connected you feel. Talk about what feels good, what’s missing, and what you’d each love more of, without blame.
5. Collaboration & Partnership
Love isn’t enough. A shared life needs a shared vision and goals, and a structure and systems for collaboration and co-creation.
In a Struggling Relationship – One person does it all, or everything is a mess. There’s resentment, imbalance, and lack of vision and support.
In an Ordinary Relationship – Roles are assumed but not clear. There’s minimal long-term planning and just enough structure to stay afloat.
In an Extraordinary Relationship – Partners co-create their life with intention. They set shared goals, divide responsibilities consciously, and have systems that reflect their values and strengths. There’s vision, direction, and smooth collaboration.
Try this – Have a “state of the union” talk. Review division of labor, shared visions, goals, routines, and where you each feel supported or not. What would help you feel more like a team?
A relationship reset isn’t about shooting for perfection, it’s about choosing better for a more aligned, joyful, and happy life. Where the partners find better ways of showing up for themselves and each other.
Summer gives us the perfect backdrop for change. We can ride the momentum of this energy into what we long to experience and create.
Let this season be the moment you pause, reflect, and recommit to your relationship. so that you can move into the rest of the year more aligned, connected, and on purpose…
You get to decide what kind of love you want.
Now’s the time to build it.
Listen to the episode for weaving in a summer theme into your reset. Enjoy!
Hope this information serves you and helps you get on the path to your Successful Relationship and Meaningful Life.
A Self-love Practice and Setting Effective Boundaries to Change Codependence – We get stuck in pain, disappointment, or stagnation because we operate from patterns and habits. From defenses, scripts, and narratives. In the grind of life, we don’t even notice… We hold ourselves and our relationship back by operating form this small version of ourselves. We create from this limited self… This gives the flavor to our life. But we don’t have to operate from this smaller and stuck version… We can learn to operate from our higher self, more and more… An upleveled self-love practice and embracing setting more effective boundaries, shifts you, empowers you, recharges and nourishes you. Then you are able to create the relationship and life you love.
Become a Strong Partnership, Create a Smooth Shared Life
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What’s Next
~~ Do you need support taking yourself, your relationship, and your life to the next level- actually living a healthy, happy, harmonious and overall abundant life?
We can help with our select memberships: Radiance Membership– Transformational content and experiences subscription (Only $29 per month!) Success Membership – Private sessions and Radiance Membership access! (Start with an Initial Session)
~~ Interested in being our Guest? Interested in having Emma be a Guest in your Podcast?
DISCLAIMER: This content is meant to support your Journey and not as a replacement for professional assistance. Additionally, the ideas and resources provides by our guests are their ideas and recommendations alone and not necessarily a reflection of mine
Copyright (c) 2025 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Many of us want emotional safety, personal growth, and deeper connection, but we often feel stuck in creating the changes we seek. As we launch into the second part of the year, this is the perfect time to do mid-year reset. So, we address the patterns keeping us stuck and freeing ourselves to create a new version of ourselves and a new reality. Our best life…
Often, we try to muscle our way into changing our circumstances, into creating the relationship we desire. But all our effort is operating from the conscious, surface level, when we mostly operate from habit, blueprints, and templates from a conscious and subconscious level. No matter how hard we try, we end up defaulting back to our programming.
The key to lasting change is depatterning our programming, deconstructing our blueprint. So we can install instructions we want to create what we desire.
There are three core ego patterns that shape our identity, our perceptions and how we show up in the world. Unless we are aware and proactive about these patterns they are bound to limit our potential.
This episode explores the three ego patterns that quietly run the show, and how you can begin to dissolve them by creating a new identity from the inside out. This new you is the new version of you that creates your new reality, your best life…
The Three Ego Patterns That Keep You Stuck
The Lack Pattern
This pattern keeps you focused on what’s missing. It convinces you there’s never enough: Not enough time, support, money, love, success, attention. No matter what your partner does, or how much you achieve, it doesn’t feel like enough. This pattern creates a constant sense of emptiness.
Which leads to sadness, grief, loneliness, aloneness, hopelessness, depression and so on which lead to focusing on fairness and double standards, judging imperfections, self-numbing [flight response…]
The Attachment Pattern
This pattern clings to how things should be. It’s rigid and full of expectations: How people should behave, how things should unfold, how love should look. This pattern creates a constant sense of yearning.
Which leads to let down, disappointment, resentment, frustration, anger and so on which lead to demanding apologies, owning the other, and getting stuck on expectations [fight response…]
The Control Pattern
This pattern makes you believe it’s all on you. You micromanage everything. You can’t trust others to show up. You’re constantly fixing, orchestrating, over-functioning. This pattern creates a constant feeling of nervousness.
Which leads to fear, stress, overwhelm, exhaustion, anxiety and so on which lead to over-functioning, micromanaging, doing everything ourselves, not accepting help [freeze response…]
How These Patterns Show Up in Everyday Life
These ego patterns aren’t abstract, they play out in your real, daily experiences. You feel like nothing is enough, even when everything looks fine on paper. You get frustrated that your partner isn’t doing things “right”. You silently resent having to do everything yourself.
These patterns distort your perception. They filter how you interpret reality. And most importantly, they shape how you show up in your relationships, in your work, and in your inner dialogue…
Identity Creates Reality – Your ego pattern becomes your identity. And your identity is the filter of your experience which creates your reality…
~ If you’re operating from lack, you’ll experience scarcity everywhere
~ If you’re operating from attachment, you’ll constantly be let down
~ If you’re operating from control, you’ll live in a loop of pressure and burnout
If you want to shift your reality, you have to shift your identity first.
What Needs to Change?
If we want to create a new relationship and a new life, we have to identify the gap we are trying to bridge…
Take inventory of your current life, be honest:
What feels stuck?
What feels like it’s not working?
Where are you in friction with yourself, others, or your circumstances?
Then ask:
What would I love to experience instead?
What would a better reality actually feel like?
What would be different?
And here’s the key:
Who would I need to become to create that reality?
Choose a New You
This isn’t just about letting go of old patterns per se. It’s about choosing the future version of you and stepping into it.
Who is the version of you that already lives the reality you want?
Then start showing up as them, one decision, one habit, one interaction at a time.
The Transformation Hack
But as you try to install this new version of you, you have to do it in malleable and fertile ground… You can’t just force a new way… You don’t change patterns by fighting them. The key is to disrupt all patterns, to create space for the new…
This is where challenge-based repatterning becomes powerful. Something as simple as a 30-day challenge can begin to unravel old identity patterns and create space for the new version of you.
It doesn’t matter what the challenge is. What matters is that it interrupts your norm. It challenges thought, emotional, and behavioral patterns… It promotes new thoughts, new feelings, new behaviors. And that rewires everything.
Allows new options to be installed…
Start Making Small Changes
Start showing up with the New Version of you to start making changes in your relationship and your life. The new version of you will have very different ideas about what’s acceptable and what’s desired… This might mean:
Noticing all the abundance in your life
Setting boundaries you’ve never set
Clarifying expectations to meet your needs
Speaking softer when you’d normally snap
Asking for help instead of doing it all yourself
Saying no to something that drains your energy
Every time you shift out of autopilot and into conscious choice, you’re dissolving the old and anchoring in the new.
Creating a Life That Matches the New You
Once you have clarity on the version of you that you’re becoming, map out what your life would now look like.
What needs to shift in your environment?
Your routines?
Your calendar?
Your work rhythms?
Your relationships?
You don’t need to change everything all at once. Start with one or two areas. Choose one change in each and make it real this week.
Structure, Stability, and the Masculine Reset
We are really going for it with this work. There is so much more than meets the eyes with this process… We are not just playing with a challenge and dreaming a new version of ourselves… We are making it possible because we are repatterning our subconscious and unconscious… Our mental, and our emotional patterns…
This new discipline is repatterning our relationship with the masculine parts of ourselves. It’s a reparenting, a re-fathering, healing safety, stability, and security wounds… This is the emotional part.
Giving yourself the masculine care you may have missed growing up: Structure, systems, discipline.
And you’re not just healing old wounds either… You’re building a stable foundation to support your feminine radiance, your personal power…
This is your 2025 reset.
This Is Your Mid-Year Reset
As we move into the second half of the year, it’s a natural time to reflect not just on what’s working or what isn’t, but on how we’re being in our lives.
Are we operating from patterns of lack, attachment, and control?
Are we reacting from old scripts?
Are we creating our lives with intention or defaulting to survival?
The second half of the year offers a clean slate. A chance to shift gears. Not by radically overhauling everything at once, but by reconnecting to what you value, what you want to feel, and how you want to show up.
This reset is an invitation to do things differently, to experience a personal transformation. To take one small steps toward the version of yourself you know you’re becoming, and creating the relationship and the life the new version of you wants to live. Your Best Life…
Change doesn’t require force. It requires awareness, choice, and repetition.
So as you move forward, ask yourself:
What am I ready to release?
What do I want to cultivate more?
How do I want to show up differently?
What would I do differently in my life?
And begin there gently, consistently, and with enough clarity to show up as the new you creating your next chapter this second part of the year.
You don’t have to become someone else. You just have to return to the version of you that’s always been possible. One aligned choice at a time.
Hope this information serves you and helps you get on the path to your Successful Relationship and Meaningful Life.
Monthly Activating Protocols Break the Habit of Being Yourself, Allow Your True Self to Shine Through When you get out of the box you put yourself you’ll automatically find yourself in a new reality… This is how we create the relationship and life we love… We don’t have to live by the same stories, narratives, scripts. We don’t have to see things the same old way. We don’t have to do everything in our days the way we usually do them… Our whole existence is a pattern, a habit. We can deconstruct and clean all this up, and we can be intentional about everything we do want to do and be… This is how we how we level up…
Don’t have a Membership with us yet? Access it and much more through our Radiance Membership! (Only $29 per month) Get Enrolled NOW!
What’s Next
~~ Do you need support taking yourself, your relationship, and your life to the next level- actually living a healthy, happy, harmonious and overall abundant life?
We can help with our select memberships: Radiance Membership– Transformational content and experiences subscription (Only $29 per month!) Success Membership – Private sessions and Radiance Membership access! (Start with an Initial Session)
~~ Interested in being our Guest? Interested in having Emma be a Guest in your Podcast?
DISCLAIMER: This content is meant to support your Journey and not as a replacement for professional assistance. Additionally, the ideas and resources provides by our guests are their ideas and recommendations alone and not necessarily a reflection of mine
Copyright (c) 2025 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
People start relationships because they are interested in having a relationship. They go through a checklist of sorts to vet each other at its onset. What they fail to do is to deepen their assessment as they progress in the relationship to ensure they are and stay aligned in creating a mutually satisfying relationship. And to intentionally work on creating a relationship they love.
A satisfying, radiant and successful relationship doesn’t happen by accident. It requires intentionality and nurturing. There are key relationship and life areas that couples need to align on for the relationship to flourish.
And this is separate from doing their emotional dynamics work… Couples struggle in relationship because their programming interact with each other creating funky relationship patterns.
Partners need to align and be intentional about the business of life, so their emotional programs don’t trip up over the mundane and practical aspects of life.
So, if partners get ahead by identifying and getting on the same page about what they desire and want to create, there is less stuff to have friction and power struggle on as they go.
Just focusing on relationship milestones and moving things along is not enough to create a strong partnership and lasting love.
There are 8 specific relationship, marital, topics that partners need to align on to ensure a smoother ride.
8 PreMarital Topics
Now, regardless of the partners’ ages, how long they’ve been together, if they are just dating, living together, or recently married, these topics need to be explored to make sure they are on the same page about their needs, expectations, and desires.
Setting Expectations – What feels safe, supportive, and respectful
This has to do with setting boundaries, being accountable, owing ourselves, and exploring and sharing expectations so both partners know where they stand and interact accordingly. It includes ways to protect your bond and connection.
Sharing Daily Life – How to manage responsibilities as a team
This has to do with how to manage responsibilities as a team, taking on a divide and conquer approach for efficiency and productivity, and working to each other’s strengths. It’s not about dividing the load 50/50 but about finding a balance that works for both.
Creating Financial Freedom – What financial trust looks like between you
This has to do with how to manage your financial life together, how to take care of the money management and how to establish and work towards shared goals. Building transparency and partnership in create a secure, strong and successful financial future.
Building Intimacy – What helps you feel connected and close
This has to do with creating a deeply meaningful and satisfying emotional and physical intimacy. It has to do with balancing both partners’ seemingly opposite needs around connection, togetherness and separateness, and spontaneous and responsive sexual styles.
Making Family Decisions – Whether kids are part of your vision or not
This has to do with exploring what kind of family you want to create. Are children part of that equation, how many, and timing of having them. This also includes exploring your parenting style preferences, how you want to raise them, and what kind of life you want to give them.
Creating Fun & Joy – What keeps your relationship alive
This has to do with how each like to have fun, your interests, and preferences for activities, outings and doing leisure time. And, how you have fun together, create shared experiences and memories and enjoy each other’s company. The key is to create shared interests…
Balancing Life & Partnership – Careers, stress, family, and everything in between
This has to do with how you recharge, take care of yourselves, take care of the business of life and support each other’s dreams, ambitions and desires. It has to go with having each other’s back and finding the sweet spot for doing life and still investing enough in the relationship.
Clarifying Your Shared Future Vision – What you’re building and why it matters
This has to do with identifying what kind of life you want to create, what kind of lifestyle you want to live, how you want to create your shared life, what legacy you want to leave behind.
By exploring and getting on the same page about your ideas, preferences and expectations, you remove any ambiguity and confusion down the line. These topics help you address key components of creating a shared life to ensure this is something you want to do together and how to go about it.
Aligning on what kind of relationship and life you want to create and experience, prevents unnecessary friction from tripping you up later. Smoothing these things out early, not only helps you decide if this is something to take to the next level, but also get ahead so you set up your new life together right from the start.
This frees you up to focus on addressing the deeper more meaningful parts of your relationship in the future, without wasting energy, effort and bandwidth on sorting the practical, relational and emotional in one swoop. This is how you set yourselves up to start your marriage right, and ensure lasting love.
I invite you to have conversations with your partner to explores these topics, regardless of where you are in your relationship. Anytime you learn each other more, you deepen your connection and make your relationship stronger. Here is to a beautiful future together, and a happily ever after.
Hope this information serves you and helps you get on the path to your Successful Relationship and Meaningful Life.
Finally Resolve the Repeating Patterns, Gift Your Relationship the Next Version of You It might feel light no matter how much work we put in to create change, things keep reverting back. But this is it, we are doing all the depatterning by reparenting ourselves… We have patterns that keep repeating, and we have the experience of feeling stuck, because our programming is still running the show. Our approach in caretaking our partner, in overfunctioning, in being in their circle – that’s codependence, that’s not how we create change. We create change be minding ourselves… We can mother and father ourselves to heal wounds, and change our programs… It’s time to depattern…
Don’t have a Membership with us yet? Access it and much more through our Radiance Membership! (Only $29 per month) Get Enrolled NOW!
What’s Next
~~ Do you need support taking yourself, your relationship, and your life to the next level- actually living a healthy, happy, harmonious and overall abundant life?
We can help with our select memberships: Radiance Membership– Transformational content and experiences subscription (Only $29 per month!) Success Membership – Private sessions and Radiance Membership access! (Start with an Initial Session)
~~ Interested in being our Guest? Interested in having Emma be a Guest in your Podcast?
DISCLAIMER: This content is meant to support your Journey and not as a replacement for professional assistance. Additionally, the ideas and resources provides by our guests are their ideas and recommendations alone and not necessarily a reflection of mine
Copyright (c) 2025 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Even with the best of intentions, and even if we activate full grind and grit mode, sometimes we just can’t make the changes we want… This is because everything we do in our relationship and our life is actually driven by underlying programming. We can force this all we want, but ultimately the changes don’t stick if the driving patterns are not also changed. So, let’s focus on deprogramming these presets. We are talking about unconscious and subconscious patterns…
~ Where the unconscious patterns are more visceral, emotional, wiring, and structural of our embodied nervous system… A mind-body connection. Not directly accessible. ~ And where the subconscious patterns are more of a mental and feeling nature, a product of the mind. It includes fears, limiting beliefs, meaning systems, personal narratives, and the like. These can be accessed when we tune in with deepened awareness.
Our job is to identify what’s not working in our life and address it from a deprogramming perspective, not just a behavioral and action taking one.
The more superficial level depends on sheer willpower and discipline, which we know ebbs and flows depending what’s going on in our life and our priorities.
But a deeper approach is more systemic. Once we deprogram, change the preset, everything automatically flows from there with no additional effort or input from us. Ahh…
This is how we truly level up and create the relationship and life we love- not through effort but by resetting the system underneath it all. You with me?
Deprogramming the Layers
When our programs don’t get a proper upgrade, they keep running outdated scripts. Those scripts trigger defenses that reinforce the very patterns we are trying to change. That’s how we get stuck even when we’re doing all the work
The most common dynamic we see in couples is the pursuer-distancer, maximizer-minimizer, relational overfunctioner-underfunctioner, or simply the codependence pattern…
The names vary, but the flavor is the same of how couples keep cycling through conflict and disconnection in their relationship.
This is the new codependence, not necessarily tied to recovery like it was at its inception… This pattern is driven by a low sense of self and programs of insecurities, unworthiness, fear of abandonment, or feeling not good enough, shame, controlled or suffocated. All developed due to less-than-perfect-caregiving growing up…
The Codependence Pattern in Action
The Pursuer – They need reassurance and connection to feel safe or their abandonment and unworthiness wounds get triggered (Usually core female energy partner, core need is connection)
~~ They – Nag, complain, over explain, are very emotive, chase, control, are manipulative
The Distancer – They need acknowledgment and appreciation to feel confident and strong or their not-good enough and shame wounds get triggered (Usually core male energy partner, core need is freedom)
~~ They – Dismiss, hold it in, not very verbal, shut down, distance, gaslight, are passive aggressive
Note: We all have both sets of energies so this is not so black-and-white and both apply to us to some extent…
The Unconscious Deprogramming
The Pursuer – Heal abandonment and worthiness wounds by not abandoning themselves… Taking care of themselves, their needs, self-soothing and self-regulating, nurturing and pampering themselves.
~~ Reparenting in Action – Mothering with nurturing and pampering, Fathering with protection and security
The Distancer – Heal not-good-enoughness and shame wounds by acknowledging themselves… Taking note and being proud of their strengths, uniqueness, accomplishments and achievements.
~~ Reparenting in Action – Mothering with compliments and praise, Fathering with structure and discipline
The Subconscious Deprogramming
The Pursuer – Deconditioning fears, beliefs and stories about being left, not being wanted, being alone, having to take care of everything, not being able to count on others, distrust, being unlovable, being too much, being too needy
The Distancer – Deconditioning fears, believes and stories about being controlled, suffocated, trapped, not good enough, not measuring up, feeling behind in life, being unsuccessful, being used or taken advantage of, not being appreciated or valued
~~ Updating Meaning Systems – Do reality checks being mindful of confirmation bias, look for the exemptions, focus on and cultivate what does work or meets your needs, check for secondary gains- what do you get out of something not working…
Upleveling the Relationship
The Pursuer – Make requests to help you meet the needs for togetherness and connection without being controlling and triggering your partner’s wounds of feeling trapped, without throwing them in a cage
The Distancer – Make requests to help you meet the needs for separateness and freedom without being evasive and aloof or distant and triggering your partner’s wound of feeling abandoned, without throwing them off a precipice
This addresses a couple’s main theme and pattern. Of course, each couple and partners are unique– so apply this to your situation as you see best.
~ The aligning on values and setting boundaries ~ The improving communication skills and tools ~ The intentionally meeting your own and each other’s needs ~ The building connection and intimacy ~ The implementing systems for a smooth collaboration and strong partnership
If we want to level up our life and our relationship, we have to change the preset that’s maintaining the status quo.
No matter how much effort we put in to changing our behavior, habits and circumstances, if we don’t change the underlying programming, all our work will eventually revert back to the established preset…
Identify which part of the dynamics you usually land in and commit to addressing the driving programming to change your preset. This is how you’ll create sustainable and lasting change. Here is to your upleveled relationship!
Happy Deprogramming…
With Much Love & Light!
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Copyright (c) 2025 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication? Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Couple Strategy™ that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly connection notes in your inbox with Personal Development and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
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Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT has been in the mental health profession in varying capacities for the past 20+ years. She is the Founder and Director of metrorelationship.com a psychotherapy and coaching practice specializing in working with busy professional and entrepreneurial couples who are struggling getting on the same page and feeling connected. The work helps couples create a radiant and successful relationship and meaningful life by becoming a strong partnership and increasing their connection, intimacy, and fun. Emma is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Relationship Strategy™.
