It is uncommon to speak in terms of Mothering and Fathering in the context of our relationship… Unless of course we are talking about raising our children. But I’ve been presenting this concept as a way to continue to heal and grow ourselves.
As a personal development tool, and more recently as a relationship enrichment tool… Today I’m expanding the Fathering repertoire by sharing the importance of personal and partner’s character strengths.
Remember, we all have female and male energy and can embrace characteristics and embody attributes from both. When I’m presenting on Mothering and Fathering, and Female and Male Energy, I’m not talking about gender or sexuality… I’m referring to our inherent energies… Our job is to balance how we embrace, activate and utilize them…
Mothering flows from female energy and Fathering flows from male energy, and they can both be done by women and men… There is no judgement as to which is better or preferred, and this is not a form of sexism, genderism, or such. This just is. Anything else is a social construct we’ve unknowingly accepted…
But please note, I’m not denying the oppression of female energy and women over millennia… If nothing else, I’m actually highlighting the importance of undoing this oppression. I’m doing it through what I know best, which is personal development and relationship enrichment…
Mothering has to do with nurturing and caring.
Fathering has to do with structuring and disciplining.
When we embrace providing these characteristics to ourselves, we reparent ourselves… I refer you to the book Healing Your Emotional Self, for top notch work on reparenting ourselves…
Reparenting ourselves means giving ourselves what we needed and didn’t get growing up. How we were hurt and not met growing up created wounds, limiting believes and other goodies that have permeated how we organized ourselves and cope with life. Including how we show up in relationship, get triggered and create our stuck dynamics… Reparenting ourselves is a way of healing and releasing ourselves from that stronghold…
Then, bring this to the context of our relationship and we have an exponential impact… Now, I’m not talking about being a mother or a father to your partner and vice versa. That’s the worst thing we can do… I’m talking about being Mothering and Fathering. I’m talking about your interactions and how you approach your partner and the relationship using more:
Nurturing, compassion, softness, flexibility, and such (Mothering) for engendering feelings of belonging, worthiness, and acceptance.
RoleModeling/guiding, routines, structure, systems and such (Fathering) for engendering feelings of safety, security, and stability.
You see how these can be salve to core wounds?
The key here is to sprinkle the Mothering characteristics into your interactions with yourself and your partner. And the Fathering characteristics to how you do your relationship and your life.
So, where do Character Strengths come in? Working on developing our Character Strengths is a Fathering tactic as it involves learning, honing, applying. Mothering is feminine with being, expanding, flowing… The active and directed part of this endeavor is masculine and therefore Fathering…
Working on developing our Character Strengths helps us become more of who we are, more integrated and robust. It helps us have a richer human experience, and it helps us bring a better self to our relationship and our partner…
Having strong Character Strengths helps partners avoid the many pitfalls they would otherwise encounter in their relationship…
Our personal and our partner’s character strengths influence the character of our relationship with things like a love, kindness, gratitude, honesty, forgiveness, perspective, self-regulation, teamwork, etc.
Doesn’t it make sense that to develop this further in ourselves would only but enrich our relationship?
As we continue to expand our Fathering repertoire, we are polishing the use of our male energy for more security, stability, productivity, efficiency, and results in our life. Let’s continue to create our Best Self, Best Relationship and Best Life!
ASSIGNMENT: Intentionally integrate your Character Strengths into your life and your relationship…
Take the surveyto identify your current strengths and where you can stand to invest in some more development.
The easiest way to work on developing a characteristic is by creating a Habit to help you practice it… Choose 3 Character Strengths you are looking to develop and create Habits for them into your daily routine: Doing a behavior or activity that would help you practice the strength. And, keep working this method until you feel you’ve made progress developing the Character Strengths you desire.
As with anything, when you bring consciousness, focus and attention to something, Awesomeness happens. I wish this for you in your life and your relationship.
Wishing you much joy, connection and love today and always…
Copyright (c) 2021 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Couple Strategy™ that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly connection notes in your inbox with Personal Development and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com
A lot of people have difficulties having trust in their relationship, and in general… Mistrust in our relationship is not just about wondering, or obsessing about, if our partner is cheating. But not trusting our partner usually has the flavor of not trusting we can count on them. That they have our back. That they’ll pick up where we leave off.
Whether or not they’ll follow through on what they say. If they’ll use their best judgement. And so on. It is imperative that we create safety, security and trust in our relationship for it to be successful…
A quick note about wondering if your partner is cheating. Listen to your gut, it knows… Listening to your gut is a very subtle sense of knowing. It’s not blaring. Anything blaring is fear, and fear has to do with us, and not what our partner is doing or not doing. Keep your jealousy in check. This is also about you, and your insecurities. There are exceptions of course, you have to keep your context in mind.
If there is a history of indiscretions, you are probably on hyperalert and picking up stuff, and something most likely is going on. Don’t shoot the messenger. Deeper healing needs to happen to change this pattern. But this is for another time. If this resonates for you, sending you love (you might want to get support with this).
Going back to regular mistrust, to mistrust on the everyday and the mundane. Note, I qualify this again because when it comes down to it most of us can usually trust that our partner will be there when it matters and for the important stuff. Though there are exceptions here as well of course.
Sometimes our partner can’t be there for us with the big and important stuff either if it goes against themselves in some way or triggers them in some way. This depends on your relationship dynamics and the emotional development of the partner/s.
One more qualifier… During times of tragedy, partner’s get thrown into a tizzy and go into survival mode for themselves, possibly not being able to be there for each other.
Nobody ever said relationships are easy! These are the meatier ways in that mistrust and betrayal happen. They are blows to the relationship and require more specific attention.
But for today’s topic, I’m focusing on mistrust as a pervasive feeling in your relationship (and outside of your relationship…). Mistrust in the everyday and the mundane. Why this focus? Because this is where the healing and transformation happens…
How you do your relationship and your life on a daily basis and in the little things, has a profound impact on what kind of relationship and life you create at the end of the day…
Safety, Security and Trust
We don’t automatically create safety, security and trust in our relationship. This has to be an intentional tactic in our approach to our relationship and our partner. And, we have to be intentional about how we do our everyday life to provide this to ourselves as well. This intentionality helps us heal any unfinished business and reprogram old belief systems still lingering that are informing how we perceive interactions and the people in our life…
Safety, security and trust have to do with Fathering… How we were Fathered growing up had an impact in our ability to feel safe and secure and be able to trust.
Did we have consistent caretaking and routines? Were boundaries respected? Was discipline authoritative (not authoritarian/controlling or lax/lacking)? Were we honored for who we are?
Or did we experience rigidity and/or chaos? Inconsistent attention, routines and rules? Ridicule and dismissal? Or even maybe verbal and other violence?
Do you start to see that how things played out growing up informed our ability to feel safe and secure, and therefore our ability to trust?
And, what if we haven’t done any healing or personal development, we are still walking around with the same perception of others and the world. That the world and people are dangerous or untrustworthy… We walk around with the belief that we can’t count on others or trust them, that others are out to get us, that bad things will happen, and such.
Hey, I’m not saying people and the world are perfect and that these things don’t ever happen all the same.
I’m referring to situations when we just see the worst possible scenario, when we make negative assumptions and when we assign malicious motives that are totally unfounded. When we can’t give the benefit of the doubt. Or worse, when good things are coming our way, but we can’t receive them for the same reasons!
If all this is resonating for you, you need some Fathering. No, you don’t need your Daddy or a Sugar Daddy. LOL And, Fathering is not just from fathers and men. Women do Fathering, just as men do Mothering… This has nothing to do with gender. This has to do with energy and characteristics that all humans have though might need to embrace more… You need more Fathering from yourself and in your relationship…
Thus, we show up properly and safely. We are accountable, consistent, and reliable. And therefore, we are trustworthy… We are trustworthy for ourselves and for our partner…
Kudos when you tackle this, for you’d be Fathering, re-parenting and re-programming, yourself… Intentionally showing up and setting up your life and your relationship allows you to create your radiant and successful relationship and meaningful life.
ASSIGNMENT: We’ve been living in a male dominated world, yet we haven’t cracked how to properly utilize our male characteristics, strengths and energy…
1) Take stock of how you show up in the world and what characteristics and strengths you use the most.
MALE – Analytical, strategic, systematic, planner, organizer, scheduler, logical, manager, strength, power, and such
FEMALE – Compassionate, caring, nurturing, flexible, flowy, spontaneous, creative, intuitive, emotional, soft, and such
2) How well are these working for you? Does it seem that you can improve in both areas? The key is own ourselves fully, integrate both aspects more, and be more intentional. Add intentionality to how you approach your day and your relationship using the inherent male characteristics and their related tools.
Create the container, the structure, with your male energy, e.i., your daily routine… This will create the safety, stability, and security we all so desperately seek…
3) BONUS – add Female characteristics within the structure for the integration and balance factor
As with anything, when you bring consciousness, focus and attention to something, Awesomeness happens. I wish this for you in your life and your relationship.
Wishing you much joy, connection and love today and always…
Copyright (c) 2021 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Couple Strategy™ that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly connection notes in your inbox with Personal Development and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com
Mothering Vs Fathering… This is not a competition! First off, wishing all the Moms a very Happy Mother’s Day. And here is an invitation for all of us to embrace more Mothering in our own lives, of ourselves and our loved us. We can all stand to be more compassionate, nurturing and loving… Second, the key is finding a balance for these two characteristics within ourselves for a more integrated Human Experience…
We are still living in a very male dominated world with a lot of masculine energy. We’ve repressed women and feminine energy for a very long time. All gender equality discussion aside, this is happening even within ourselves… We have repressed our own feminine energy… We shame and hide the softer and more vulnerable side of ourselves.
I’ve taken the opportunity in our last webinar to celebrate Mothering not just for Mother’s Day but as an invitation to join the shift. There a shift happening in the world for a more feminine, compassionate, heart-centered and more collaborative approach to life
Beware, if you are male energy dominant and are tipping your toes into embracing your more feminine energy, this might feel weird… LOL
For me, it felt like something was wrong. I felt lazy (Zen…), mellow, unmotivated, without a care in the world, floaty and other soft feelings… Now, if you know me or have experienced me, you know I can be intense and very energetic. So, these felt so foreign and out of character to the point where it didn’t feel right at first…
But then marvelous things started to happen, the experience drove home the point that more doing isn’t better… That more work doesn’t necessarily create more results, that being more intensity doesn’t necessarily influence others more, and that over functioning doesn’t necessarily mean getting needs met better… That way of being had actually created less of the desired outcome!
At the same time, we can’t go all feminine either – we’d never get anything done!
The answer is to work better not harder, to properly use our masculine energy as we explore and welcome our feminine energy more…
Hence, today’s topic on Fathering ourselves and our relationship…
Why Fathering?
Fathering has to do with protection, security, discipline, motivation, doing, structure, systems, and the like. So, when we are in our doing mode, which is most of the time, we are operating with mostly our male energy… For those of us that are super ambitious, motivated and like to get things done, we thrive in this energy.
The problem is that we are living unbalanced and out of whack, in this eventually catches up with us…. When we repress our female energy, we are shutting down our being mode, our creativity, inspiration, intuition, emotions, compassion, nurturing, and the like. We become super intense and almost robotic… The richer side of life gets lost on us!
And, yet with all the doing people are doing, they are still not very productive and haven’t been able to create the life they desire…
Why is this? Because they are not properly using their male energy. They are living through the energy without properly supporting themselves. They are not using skills and tools to manage themselves better to get more from their efforts.
A key concept to utilize to get all the benefits of fathering is operating our life with systems… What does this mean? System or protocol or procedure or process or approach – or way of doing things on a recurring basis… This is how we get the most bang from our investments. Whatever we do, we need a little process for it – this is how we do this thing…
What that does is take the guess work, required will power, inconsistency, ambivalence, lack of focus and such right of our experience helping us stay motivated, focused, consistent, productive, efficient and the like without killing ourselves.
What’s more when we operate this way, we areFathering ourselves in that we are providing ourselves stability, consistency, dependability, reliability, solidity, strength and such… Which as you can imagine that generates feelings of trustworthiness, safety, and security… Much needed as part of our personal development and healing…
So, we are looking to do our Male Energy better and to embrace our Female Energy more…
Eventually, we’d notice we are Being while we are doing! As our systems, structures, routines and such create the container for us to play in…
When we are in a rat race and spinning our wheels doing, it’s very challenging for the feminine energy to make its appearance… When the male energy is focused and given purpose it’s soothed allowing space for the female energy to come out to play… Ah…
And that’s how we become more integrated and more who we are, more our Authentic Self enabling us to create our radiant and successful relationship and meaningful life. Voila!
ASSIGNMENT: What say you? Ready to add more systems into your life for more productivity, efficiency and focus? Ready to create your container to give you freedom for more Being…? Let’s do this!
1) Take stock of how your days usually go… How defined are your routines, your habits and how you approach your responsibilities? How do you manage your time? How do you take care of what’s important to you? Do your daily activities and tactics flow from your goals and life vision?
2) Start with a strategy that flows from your vision and goals, and informs your ideal day, daily routines, and habits to support your goals and trend towards your vision…
3) Become very mindful of what energy you are operating with by putting the masculine to good use working your strategy and creating space for your feminine to come out to play more. Enjoy!
As with anything, when you bring consciousness, focus and attention to something, Awesomeness happens. I wish this for you in your life and your relationship.
Wishing you much joy, connection and love today and always…
Copyright (c) 2021 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Couple Strategy™ that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly connection notes in your inbox with Personal Development and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com
The Holidays do all kinds of things to people. They provide a year-in-review, showcase our progress and success, spotlight our communion and belongingness, highlight our relationship dynamics, and nudge our very Soul for wakefulness. Add to this all the demands, expectations and hassle and bustle, and it is no wonder that the Holidays are rough for some.
The Holidays create stress, anxiety, depression, paralysis, withdrawal, mania, shame, overindulgence, overwhelm, crashing, loneliness, and other goodies. How do the Holidays affect you? If you generally fair well, still take note however minor the impact.
The Holidays can be treated as an opportunity for growth and healing… This is definitely fertile ground to work with! Why not take advantage of the opportunity available for the taking? When anything is framed as opportunity, its energy, meaning, impact and potential change. Now the situation is a gift and not a nuisance.
There is positivity built-in the reframe bearing optimism, strength, courage, hope, compassion, love, understanding, ownership, authenticity and awesomeness… Let’s shoot for getting more than just presents this Holiday Season!
Let’s go back to how the Holidays highlight our relationship dynamics. Whatever our dynamics they get amplified during this time. It’s as if our dynamics are on steroids. What you see, witness, experience is your usual dynamics to a heightened level.
This gives you an opportunity to better understand what usually bothers you and what doesn’t work that might have been difficult to pinpoint before. Before we knew interactions annoyed or hurt us. We knew are needs were not met. We complained, fought or sucked it up in hopelessness.
But now we have the chance at a magnified experience where we can see the crack. We have the chance to look at the crack up close and personal, and study it. We get the chance to see how it needs mending. The trick is to know what to look for: The theme, the broken record, and your script. What keeps replaying?
What is the lesson you are to learn? What is the code you need to crack? How are you to stretch to grow and heal, to break the impasse? This is the driver behind the dissatisfaction. Your call to action is to do something different for that in and of itself is Change…
It’s time to shake things up. It’s time to take a risk.It’s time to have better expectations. It’s time to raise the bar. It’s time to honor your Self, to Be your Authentic Self, and to bring it to your interactions. It’s time to be courageous and not be afraid of what could be. It’s time to go for it. It’s time for the next book in the series.
What does this look like? How do you go about it? It’s actually quite marvelous and simple. All you have to do is have a different response than your usual in your interaction. And, to do this for your Self without any outcome, expectation or intention of changing your partner in mind… So if you usually complain, call things out, whine or other some such in your interactions, your different response could be not say anything or to focus on the positive.
If your usual way is to suck it up, keep the peace, avoid conflict, and cave in, then your difference response could be standing up for your Self, speaking up, sharing what you are experiencing, or setting a limit or consequence.
The point here is not to go about changing your whole relationship, getting better results, inviting your partner to respond differently, and the rest of our usual intentions. This one is the mother load. This one goes for the jugular. This approach is for Us. Can you imagine? For Us… It is to build the muscle that has been dormant and which upon awakening saves the day…
Give it a try. Be gentle. Be courageous. Bring out the part of your Self that has been screaming to come out. Make space for it. Create safety for it. Nurture it. And take a leap of Faith, use it in your interactions. Go for it. Give it a try. The pay off is unimaginable…
Complete the MetroRelationship™ Assignment below to help you effortlessly implement this, make changes and immediately start experiencing your awesome relationship, and Authentic Life…
Happy Awakening!
~ Your MetroRelationship™Assignment
Take a look at the weeks ahead. What significant events or plans are coming up? How will you be celebrating? What traditions will you follow? What rituals will you enjoy? Sit with the plans and the answers above… Hold them in your heart. Suspend judgment.
Are your plans in alignment with your core beliefs? Does your celebrating honor your Authentic Self? Do your traditions transmit your values? Do your rituals strengthen your identity, sense of Self, connections and bonds. Do they impart love, acceptance and adoration? Do they embrace our Human Experience…?
Connect with what comes up for you as you explore this. Where do you need to show up differently? What concrete change will you make for your next event or plans? Put it in action now… Add this to your Tool Kit…
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
It saddens me to witness people’s struggles, to watch them get in their own way, to drown in a glass of water, to miss the bigger picture. Maybe this is compassion for my Self as I can certainly be in that place… This is one of the lessons I’m still learning.
This is part of my Journey. In its course I grow, heal, learn and further embrace my Calling… It is amazing to step back and take in the machinations, the alignments, and the perfection in how everything plays out, always for a reason… It all adds up…
At the end of the day, this brings me back to the sadness, compassion, for others for at least I can see the hidden gift, the blessing, and the opportunity. I draw strength and inspiration from this. This is what makes me a gifted healer and a leader in healing.
This is part of my Purpose… But for those who are not yet privy to this, all the tumultuousness of life is just pain. I can’t imagine not having the higher perspective. My heart truly goes out to those who struggle.
Having a higher perspective doesn’t exempt us from the happenings of life, and it is not always easy to hang on to it. But being able to see things from a different angle than merely seeing them as things happening to us makes a heck of a difference. This is where our human experience manifests.
Seeing the good in everything around us, even the so called “bad”, is where the opportunities abound, the promises lie, the gifts reside, the blessings are bestowed, the magic happens. This is where the beauty of the mystery of life can be found, if we can only but awaken…
Of course this applies to our relationship. Everything that happens in our relationship happens for a reason. The state of our relationship and everything that we get from our partner we have invited, we’ve co-created. Everything that goes on is a blessing, though sometimes a blessing in disguise.
When things are not to our liking or when we are in pain it is a sign that something different is needed. It is an opportunity to become intentional about our approach and our Being.
It is a call to realign, to stretch, to grow, to become whole and more empowered by adjusting our attitude, thoughts and behaviors. It is an opportunity to let go of Ego and defenses and to more fully embrace our Authentic Self. Thus creating the Awesomeness we wish and deserve.
This is why our Partner is a Gift to us. They provide the fertile playground where we get to play, stretch, develop, grow, heal, create and role model… Our interactions are blessings. They are all opportunities for us to embrace our human experience, and for us to be our Best Self.
In Relationship we have the opportunity to reach, embrace and engage our Authentic Self. Our directive is to look at everything through this lens and see where we need to stretch, grow and learn. It is ALL for us.
Everything happens for a reason. There are opportunities and blessings at every turn. Our job is to recognize them, to awaken to this Mystery and use it in our Journey. When we wake up and open our eyes, when we don the blessings lens on, and when we translate misfortune or aggravations into opportunities we recognize how Graceful and truly Bountiful life is. Go ahead, open your eyes, and be Thankful for all the Blessings in disguise.
Complete the MetroRelationship™ Assignment below to help you effortlessly implement this, make changes and immediately start experiencing your awesome relationship, and Authentic Life…
Happy Thanks Giving!
~ Your MetroRelationship™Assignment
Take the high road. Step away from your (overt or covert…) steadfast position on an impasse with your partner. Put on Your Enlightenment Lenses™. If you were to look at your situation from a transcended perspective, what would you see? How would you say the situation is prodding you to change? What are you being taught? What are you supposed to learn? How are you supposed to grow?
How is this inviting you to become your Best Self? How are you to stretch to get there? Sit with what comes up. Hold off resentment and other Ego driven feelings and thoughts. Hang in there. Weather the uncomfortableness… Hang with the new perspective. Take a moment to design two concrete behaviors that you will implement consistently to honor this call and step into your new reality… Add this to your Tool Kit…
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
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Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
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Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT has been in the mental health profession in varying capacities for the past 20+ years. She is the Founder and Director of metrorelationship.com a psychotherapy and coaching practice specializing in working with busy professional and entrepreneurial couples who are struggling getting on the same page and feeling connected. The work helps couples create a radiant and successful relationship and meaningful life by becoming a strong partnership and increasing their connection, intimacy, and fun. Emma is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Relationship Strategy™.
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