Do you feel like life is a struggle? Are you having a hard time in your relationship? Do you find that you can’t seem to get along with your partner? That no matter how hard you try, you just can’t seem to get on the same page?
That you can’t create and sustain connection? That you can’t make headways in creating the life you want? Do you feel stagnant, stuck, hopeless? If so, you are not alone. Unfortunately, wanting to fix your relationship is a common desire. Things might not be working right now, but they can…
You want to have an amazing life but even thinking of pursuing a Life Vision feels foreign and overwhelming. You have no clue as to where to start. And thinking about living your best life feels ridiculous when your life is a struggle every day.
When you are constantly at odds with your partner. How can you possibly think of a dream life, a dream future? You don’t even know what would be in it- it is so far removed. And if you had an inkling it really just lives in dream land…
You can’t even consider going for it as you are in mostly survival mode. Yes, you have some good days and some fun times, but in all you are just grinding and surviving. You are not alive. You are not living your best life.
You are not on the same page, feeling deeply connected and having a flowing collaboration with your partner. You are not creating your joint Life Vision every day. The concept of manifesting it together is extraterrestrial talk.
When you pause to think about your life and your relationship, it feels like life is passing you by. It feels like you are incompatible with your partner- that they don’t get you and that you don’t care to get their ridiculousness.
You deeply want to fix your relationship because every conversation and interaction ends up in a disagreement, escalation, or at minimum both feel really bad- not heard, understood, gotten, valued or cherished. You keep triggering and annoying each other, you are constantly walking on eggshells, and are running on empty.
You can count on one hand how many times you were intimate in the past couple of months or had real fun together. So then, how can you possibly have bandwidth and energy for collaborating on a joint Life Vision…
I get it – even considering a joint Life Vision is the furthest thing from your mind…
What if I told you that you can come back from this disillusioned grim place? And that the way is actually quite simple, not easy but simple?
Fixing Your Relationship
The reason it’s not easy is because we love to blame our partner for what’s wrong. We focus on who they are, how they are, what they do, and not do, and so on. This is really an epidemic. When the couples we work with are stuck, it is partially because they refuse to not focus on their partner and how they supposedly ruin things…
You see focusing on your partner and how they should change- how they should stop lying, or start apologizing, or stop yelling, or start being nice, or stop being compulsive, or start being more compassionate, and so on- is not the answer.
We can’t make people do anything, we are not inside their brain and body to make them do the things we want. We can’t demand respect, understanding and niceness. This is not how we create our radiant and successful relationship…
But what I can tell you with certainty, is that you do have control over yourself and what you do… And, that when you do something different or show up differently that your partner automatically responds in kind… A different approach invites, inspires, a different response…
This is how you create change- this is how you help your partner change… This is how you create a different relationship that is the cornerstone of creating your best life. From this place you can envision and create your joint Life Vision… Voila!
Hey, I know that this is super hard to do for different reasons. It is especially hard to make our own changes and to show up differently, when our partner is doing what they do that so hurt or annoy us… But if you want to create your best life, it needs to start with you!
You can’t keep waiting for your partner to change or to do something different. You can be waiting a very long time, and that is if you even make is as a couple… You have the power, all the power, to change your relationship for you have control over what you do and what you do creates change…
It’s up to you. Do you want this relationship to work? Do you want to create an epic love affair with your partner? Do you want to create your best life? Do you want to strive for your Life Vison jointly? Well, let’s go- you can do it!
APPLICATION: How can you possibly change your relationship by yourself? The key is in fully owning all of you and showing up with your best self, as much as you can, as often as you can…
When you do this, your awesomeness will inspire your partner (and others!) to show up better themselves– and so in actuality you are both working it at the end of the day…
But when you wait for your partner as supposed to inspiring your partner, that’s when things move super slow and they are more painful than they have to be…
So, where do you start? Start as simply as possible and that is by having awareness of your self- your triggers, your sensitivities, your scripts, your stories, your wounds, your defenses, your shadows, how you show up and what you put out, your patterns, what you love, what you desire, what gives you joy, what’s fun and exciting for you, etc. Become more aware of you and learn yourself better!
How? Start with simple mindfulness practices, journaling, being with yourself, staying open and receptive… Strengthen yourself from within…
If you are at a loss for how to do this and stay the course for better taking care of and learning yourself, and how to inspire your partner- we can help.
Take one action today to get you moving on your new track: Get a meditation app, get a new journal, schedule a Self Date, schedule an appointment with a couples therapist or other professional support, anything towards investing in yourself… Have fun!
You can do it! You can fix your relationship! Become your most radiant self and invite your partner to shine with you…
Wishing you all the joy, connection and love today and always…
With Much Love & Light!
Copyright (c) 2022 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication? Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Couple Strategy™ that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly connection notes in your inbox with Personal Development and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
Unfortunately, the feeling of being stuck and feeling hopeless in one’s relationship is not uncommon. Many partner’s feel they are not compatible, they don’t enjoy each other’s company, and can’t see a future together… A sad state of affairs.
Partners get to this point because they get entrenched in their own perspective losing sight of the other and the relationship, and the gorgeous potential… Once this is recaptured, they get along, get on the same page and get things done… They move forward creating their successful and radiant relationship!
Are you feeling stuck? You don’t have to be!
Here are 3 Tactics to help you start moving forward:
Learn to get along
Getting along doesn’t mean agreeing on everything or denying and swallowing your preference and desires. Getting along means understanding what you each want, why and finding a way of honoring both sides…
Couples usually get this all wrong. Partners dig in their heals on their side and look at their partner as the enemy for not giving up their own preference for them. They become extremely egocentric. Everything that is going on is filtered through the lens of did they got what they wanted. And if they didn’t, they compute a notch against their partner. Yuck!
This is definitely not a relationship enrichment approach, nor an emotionally safe approach of being in relationship. This cuts at the bond between the partners, disrupts their attachment. This breaches boundaries and undermines the other. This erodes self-esteem and confidence. This creates doubt and stuckness in the relationship.
We can be very good at making a federal case against our partner. We can be very good at connecting all the dots to prove ourselves right, for making the case of how we’ve been wronged in some way. We can be very good at presenting the logic behind how our partner let us down, again.
But, when we approach our relationship this way, we are just cheating ourselves out of the synergy and the gift inherent in our relationship… Gone are the days of finding a partner for contractual reasons. Now we choose each other and there is meaning in our choice. We forget to honor and benefit from that…
Getting along has to do with understanding each other, getting our partner and validating what’s true for them (showing them we get them), having their back, having their best interest at heart, approaching them from our heart and not our head (ego). It has to do with honoring that we are different people and working at figuring out how to make our differences work for us instead of against us…
So, for starters – stop looking at yourself as the victim in your relationship. Stop looking at your partner as the villain, the enemy, the bad guy. Stop looking at the relationship as dissatisfying and hopeless.
Instead take a step back and see the gift that is your partner and relationship. See how your partner does contribute, has your back, is committed… See the intentions, attempts, and willingness. However small these might be at this juncture… Remember, your partner is hanging in there as well…
Look at your partner with your heart and with compassion, not with your head and with criticism… See them, see their essence. Look beyond the noise, defenses, and imperfections… Once you shifted, then approach them…
Get on the same page
Being on the same page does not mean agreeing on a topic or situation, looking at an issue the same way, loving your partner’s perspective or approach and the like.
It does mean understanding where you are each coming from, what is significant about their experiences and why, how that fits with who the individuals are and what is going on for them, what’s the purpose and motive behind their actions, what are just defenses and not ill intentioned behaviors, what are attempts at pleasing and connection but just with poor delivery…
Getting a clear understanding of what is happening by giving the partner the benefit of the doubt, some grace, and compassion helps break impasses… Partners get stuck because they refuse to see the other side. They get stuck by trying to be right by making the other wrong… They get stuck because their perspective becomes very cloudy with their own position, circumstance and wishes.
Getting on the same page means finding a common ground, happy medium, or way of agreeing to move forward… It’s ok for your partner to get their way on what is really important to them. It’s ok for you to get your way on what is really important to you. When there is a mutual topic that is really important to both, know that there are usually degrees of how important something is to someone and hardly ever do people feel exactly the same way… Therefore, the discrepancy can be used to break impasses…
Now, don’t be stubborn and find this to be the thing you both agree on 100%! If you find that you are doing this, you are still very much entrenched in your own side… Then, this a YOU problem, not a partner problem… Remember the 80/20 rule. That any situation that is troubling you, is 80% about you, and 20% about what your partner is doing or now doing… Giving your 80% attention should keep you busy enough to have any desire to focus on your partner’s 20…
Getting on the same page is YOUR inside job. It’s is not your partner’s job. Now, if your partner were reading this, the same applies to them… So you see, you both work on your own in-sides…
Please bear in mind that you each have your own style, pace and ability for working on your side. If you are focusing on how much your partner is doing or not doing, how they are doing it, and how fast – again, you are focusing on the wrong side…
Focus on you and you’ll see how fast things actually change! For when we show up differently, we invite (co-create) different stuff…
So for starters – invite your partner into a conversation where the focus in on how you get their side… How you get them, get their point of view, perspective or experience, understand what is happening for them and what they desire and why, etc.
Seriously, keep this ONLY about them… Once your partner feels gotten, they un-dig their heals… Stop the conversation while you are ahead, don’t turn it back to you or try to address any issues at this time. Select another time to come back to the rest… In the meantime, watch the different energy and dynamics that come from your investment…
Get things done
You’ll notice that once you start shifting and showing up differently, agreeing on courses of action and staying synchronized becomes much easier!
A mistake that partners make is trying to control what their partner does, how they do it and when they do it – micromanaging so it gets done on their timetable. Who wants to live like this? Not for nothing the partner is shutting down, not showing up, disappearing or doing a crappy job…
When we control and micromanage, we ensure that the other doesn’t show up with their genius and internal resources. We end up creating a self-fulling prophecy that the other is not there, we are alone and unsupported, and we have to take care of everything… Right? We are just validating our scripts and repeating our patterns…
Now, you might be saying – Yeah, but when I put my partner in charge of such and such, or remove myself from something, or let this go or that go, they are still dropping the ball…
To that I say that the “delegation”, collaboration, wasn’t set up properly… You dumped the task on your partner without buy-in, guidelines, and the like. You gave up a task and your partner has no idea that it’s theirs now. You claim something is no longer a task, but still want the results of having a related task completed. And, a host of other funny business that sets you up to not be properly and genuinely supported…
If you are not getting what you want, what do you need to do differently to get it…? We have no control over what other people do, including our partner. But we do have control over what we do, how we show up and how we set things up…
So for starters – review the things you are not getting enough support on, that are getting on your nerves, that your partner keeps f*g up, and the like… Make a list of all the annoyances, of all the supposed dropped balls…
Now, take a look at how those balls were put into circulation… Hey, you might think you both have done an amazing job at setting up who owns this ball. And, yet it is still dropped. To that I say that it wasn’t really set up amazingly… Dig into why the ball is dropped. The best of intentions could have been in place to pick up this ball, but maybe the picking up wasn’t set up realistically…
You can go two ways here, find the theme of what is happening or identify the ball that is aggravating you the most. Then address this with your partner.
Now, don’t go in with guns blazing… Go into the conversation shifted, getting their side, and addressing it from what’s happening for you around this ball. Don’t go into the conversation by noting how your partner sucks and how they failed you, again…
ASSIGNMENT: Take note which of these three areas is most wobbly for you:
Get along – mindset
Get on the same page – communication
Get things done – collaboration
Then, give that area all your attention. Don’t dabble, be serious about making a change!
When you embrace taking ownership of how you do you in your relationship, you’ll be amazed at how quickly and beautifully you start seeing the changes you want.
Tackling the tactics above helps you make some head way in the implementing 3 of 5 key Elements in the Successful Couple Strategy™: Context/Mindset (1), Communication/Alignment (2), and Collaboration/Partnership (5). Woot!
Start creating changes within you so you can see changes in your relationship!
Copyright (c) 2020 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Couple Strategy™ that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly connection notes in your inbox with Personal Development and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com
Couples share one of the main issues in their relationship is their inability to properly communicate. They feel out of sync, not on the same page, disconnected, and not understood. To top it off their planning, getting things done, resolving conflict, making decisions and such are jeopardized by their lack of communication skill.
Their inept attempt at communicating makes things worse as they hurt each other’s feelings, widen the gulf between them, and feel further misunderstood and alone. Add to this all the other “funny” things partners do in their relationship that make it challenging to get along, and it makes sense they might feel in a slump …
Fear not, start getting out of the slump, addressing issues or simply creating a better relationship with improved communication. The video below gives you instructions on exactly how to do just that!
5 Tips for Better Communication:
1) Make sure you heard the message correctly
2) Show your partner you understand where they are coming from
3) Show your partner you understand how they “feel”
4) Make time to “chat” (dialogue)
5) Deal with your selves while you wait to talk…
Watch the video to learn about these steps and start applying them now. Complete the MetroRelationship (sm) Assignment below to assist you effortlessly make changes and immediately start experiencing the relationship you want.
Go for it, start the year right with new communication skills and nurturing your relationship!
Happy Communicating!!
~ Your MetroRelationship™Assignment
Identify an item that you want to discuss or address with your partner. Invite them to dialogue about it following the instructions in the video above (share the video with them so you are on the same page!).
Before the “talk”, think about what it is you want to discuss and wrap your mind around your “story” or “point” so you speak your truth in a “clean”, respectful, and mindful manner: share how your emotions, how you are impacted by their behavior, your needs, etc. without beating up your partner. Speak about you, not how much your partner “sucks”…
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
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Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT has been in the mental health profession in varying capacities for the past 20+ years. She is the Founder and Director of metrorelationship.com a psychotherapy and coaching practice specializing in working with busy professional and entrepreneurial couples who are struggling getting on the same page and feeling connected. The work helps couples create a radiant and successful relationship and meaningful life by becoming a strong partnership and increasing their connection, intimacy, and fun. Emma is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Relationship Strategy™.
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