Spring is almost here. Yay! Do you know what that means? It means it’s time to get ready for New Beginnings… As everything in nature will slowly be coming back to life and starting anew, so can we. We can take this opportunity to come Alive, to engage more with our life, to create new beginnings, to reset, to recharge… We can start anew in any area of our life we choose. The best way to start anew is with a good detox and spring clean!
We can’t build on rubble. We have to clear the site first, then we need to establish a strong foundation, then we build the structure, and then we fill in the details and finally we make it pretty. We have to do the same thing in our life. This is how we keep upleveling our life, and creating our Best Life…
A good detox and spring clean help us to get rid of any rubble, clutter, toxicity, excess and no longer desired elements we accumulated since our last reset. This allows us to start fresh so we can update or create a new vision to serve as our guiding star as we go about creating the life we desire. This includes our relationship of course…
Clearing the way creates space for the new. This concept is applicable to all areas of life… This is what allows us to have a New Beginning… It’s a best practice to do this every so often to keep our life fresh and always evolving…
So, today’s focus is to do a super good job at really clearing the no longer needed or desired… This is where you get to put on your big person’s pants and roll up your sleeves. The work you put in now will determine what you are able to design and create afterwards…
This is a great exercise to do amidst/post the deconstructing we’ve been doing in our current Pandemic laden world…
Here is to a good cleaning, with ease and compassion…
A Deep Scrub is in Order
Oh boy, I love me a good scrub! LOL Hey, I have written a few posts directly related to this topic already. Check some of them below for additional inspiration, guidance and assignments to help you along. And I’m ongoingly encouraging to keep things simple, to clear the decks and to streamline…
But, today has the focus of clearing as part of deconstructing and continuing to create our New World, including our New Marriage/Relationship… Buckle your seatbelt!
1- Rubble
I’m sure you’ve experienced some kind of a pivot, regrouping or upside-down-life as a result of the ongoing Global Pandemic we are living through. There have been many challenges associated with it, but also tremendous opportunity to course correct and Align with the life we are meant to live…
What rubble has the pivoting, regrouping and being upside-down created in your life? There might be very practical and material items, or more ideological and esoteric items. Like having moved, let go of office space or closed down businesses, and like time splitting between homes, home schooling, and online educating are children.
What stuff have your changes and impact created that might still be sitting there and needs to be cleaned out to free up energy, space and time…?
2- Clutter
As we continue to exist in this semi lockdown world and are still spending a lot of time at home in close quarters with our loved ones. Including doing a lot more of our life from home – kids and other activities, receiving services, etc.
Therefore, we are bound to have more chores and maintenance to do to keep up with our living environment. It is super easy to have stuff around us pile up if we are not intentional about our routines and keeping things tidy and streamlined.
The transition times we used to have to shift focus and help us manage and create our lives are a lot blurrier – days run into evenings, and weekdays run into weekends, and seasons run into the upcoming seasons.
Without these delineations we are bound to get sloppy and not mind routines and their related upkeep as much, creating a build-up of stuff that impinge on our wellbeing… What part of your routine or lifestyle needs more delineation and what build up do you have to clear out?
3- Toxicity
Here is a doozy. Unless you’ve taking up a focus on Personal Development as part of your strategy for Deconstruction-Reconstructing and Thriving as a result of this Pandemic Experience, most likely you’ve indulged during this time…
This means that you might be watching more TV, spending more time on social media, eating more take out, doing more snacking, drinking more, and so on…
Take stock of how you’ve been managing your life and where you have let yourself go that is creating a toxic build up… What is off about your wellbeing, your relationship/s and your life that can benefit from a detox?
Are you gaining weight? Are your hormones off? Are you experiencing other health issues? Is your sleep compromised? Are your mood and mental health at risk? Are you at odds with your loved ones and other people in your life?
4- Excess
This can go both ways… This can go towards over spending, indulging, doing and functioning, and towards taking unnecessary risks, to being frugal, depriving, bumming around, and being super cautious… Either extreme doesn’t serve us.
In either case we are having a reaction and overdoing the side we chose. We might have aspects of both sides, but they are still extreme in nature and therefore create an imbalance…
Take a look at how your approach is impacting your life and your wellbeing… What are you doing to extreme that is creating frustration and pain in your life?
5- Undesirables
I’m fascinated by the impact our current global situation is having on so many institutions and the world structure at large. I realize some are more aware of it than others, and that people have different value systems around everything that is happening.
Regardless of where you stand, take a step back and look at the big picture and its impact on your life philosophy… Take a look at how you view the institutions in your life, how you promote them and the impact they have in your life, and the world at large…
What lens, believes, scripts, approach, and habits have become outdated in your life that are now holding you back from living your Best Life?
Giving these 5 categories a serious review for any clearing and detoxing needed is incredibly powerful. Shedding light on anything we do unconsciously, out of habit, in reaction to and such is a massive exercise in personal ownership and self-empowerment.
Once you get the lay of your land, the next step is to do the clearing and detoxing… As you tackle this, watch the surge in energy, opportunities and lightness return to your life… This is good stuff, don’t cheat yourself of this Gift by taking the lazy way out…
ASSIGNMENT: Select the category that is the messiest and tackle it with gusto. Determine what is needed to free you up to uplevel yourself, your relationship and your life… What is sucking up your energy that could otherwise be better invested in your life and relationship/s?
Do you need to set time to tackle the remnants of a pivot?
Do you need to take a weekend to clean your house from top to bottom?
Do you need to upgrade your routines and habits?
Do you need to have a food or substance, screen-time, social media, technology, or other detox?
Do you need to clean up your mindset about your coping and life approach?
As with anything where we focus our attention energy goes, let’s focus positively and have our energy flow. Let’s remove roadblocks and energy sucks so that we can better invest them in creating our Best Self, Best Relationship and Best Life… We’ll be tackling these in the coming weeks to embrace New Beginnings. So get ready!
Wishing you much joy, connection and love today and always…
Copyright (c) 2021 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Couple Strategy™ that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly connection notes in your inbox with Personal Development and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com
Great communication has to do with smoothing things out and feeling Aligned. It has to do with getting on the same page, feeling understood and accepted, and getting traction towards a vision in common. Unfortunately, partners get in their own way when interacting with each other which prevents the flow of joy, harmony and love that is possible when doing this well. Let’s remove the roadblocks to great communication. Shall we?
Gottman is a researcher who has a research-based approach to relationships. If you are struggling in your relationship, you might be already acquainted with the 4 Horseman… Once Contempt shows up, the relationship is in trouble. This creates painful and damaging exchanges. Contempt is a strong predictor of divorce!
The easiest way to avoid these is to be preventative in your communication approach to begin with. If you employ great communication skills and tools, you won’t be finding the 4 Housemen at your doorsteps.
And hey, I’m not one to give up or let others give up easily… So even if these are currently present in your relationship, I encourage you to work your side to stop doing these and to invite something else from your partner…
Here is where Relationship Mindset, personal ownership and effective boundaries come in very handy. These are important for you to change how you choose to look at and experience your partner and your relationship… For once you do so, you can show up differently and invite something different from your partner…
In any case, aside from keeping the 4 Horseman away, you also need to avoid the Dirty Dozen of Communication in your interactions.
The Dirty Dozen of Communication
1 – Addressing needs or concerns when triggered
When we are in a triggered state, our brain is marinating in emotional juices that prevent us from fully accessing the executive, logical and problem-solving part of our brain. This means that no matter how hard you try to get on the same page it’s virtually impossible to stay sensible and productive.
This is not a judgment against feelings. Feelings have their place, but when rampant and heightened they don’t support productive communication.
2 – Using electronic devices as modes of communication
It is so interesting that partners choose to address concerns on social media and other platforms, via email, and specially via text. I realize that we live in an age of electronic communication, but so much gets lost via this medium…
A communication approach needs to include visual, audio and physical presence so you can feel the energy better and include touch as you see fit. This ensures you are able to pick up all the nuances of the communication and align with more than just words. And so that the words are not taken out of context or misinterpreted.
3 – Addressing issues on the fly
It is unproductive to throw issues out into the air and expect our partner to catch them and play nice with them. It’s unfair to expect them to catch them at all, and then to be ready on a whim to give the topic the proper attention it needs.
Nothing serious should be tackled this way as the context might not be conducive for a deep and productive conversation, and our partner might not be receptive for whatever reason. A productive conversation happens when the partners are ready to have a productive conversation. Setting up time and the proper context goes a huge way.
4 – Starting conversations when not in a good state
If you or your partner is not in a good state, it doesn’t make sense to have the conversation. This is true even if the conversation was set up properly ahead of time. If either of you is hungry, tired, still triggered, and such, you are not resourced enough and won’t have what it takes to do the conversation justice.
In this case it is best to reschedule or postpone the conversation and address other needs first.
5 – Disregarding good communication skills and tools
You might start a conversation with the best of intentions but as soon as things get a little hot, all the skills and tools go out the window. This is why it’s very important to be resourced, so a little heat doesn’t throw you off.
Also, setting up the conversation properly ensures you bring your skills and tools with you. A less intentional approach might miss this important detail…
Using your skills and tools is a decision. Make it wisely and honor it. Don’t get lazy. If you find that you feel like disregarding the skills and tools or that you can’t access them, then it’s not a good time to have a meaningful conversation…
6 – Forcing conversations
Remember you both have to be in the right place, and stay in the right place, for a meaningful conversation to take place and continue. If this is not true for either of you, or if things change as the conversation is underway, then it’s time to call it. Either postpone the conversation or pause it…
Do set up another time to pick up where you left off and make sure you do so. This sets up a precedent to be able to not push to have conversations that are not likely to go well in the moment… It creates trust allowing for a necessary cooling off or resetting period.
7 – Not really listening, paying attention or taking in the other
What’s the point of having a conversation if you are not listening, paying attention or taking in your partner? The point of having a conversation is to understand and get each other. To get on the same page. To resolve concerns. To collaborate. To dream. To share love.
If you are not present, if you are listening to combat what you are hearing, if you just want to talk about your side, you are missing the point of having the conversation… In this instance, you might as well forego the talk as you are actually creating more damage by not mindfully showing up…
8 – Not having personal accountability and ownership
You’ll find it insightful and eye-opening to revisit in your mind’s eye a past interaction with your partner that didn’t go well.
When you revisit, make believe you are an invisible stranger observing the exchange. This stranger is a relationship expert and has successful relationship tactics know-how…
See how the stranger sees you and how you are interacting… Does the stranger think you are being accountable for yourself, showing up with your best self, and fully owning yourself?
The stranger is not there to observe your partner, they are only able to see you… What do they see? Do they think you are doing the best job you can? What might they offer you as feedback?
Take this feedback to heart and make the necessary changes going forward…
9 – Track-jumping and messy content
Decide before hand what the topic of discussion is and the intention for the conversation. The quickest way to lose each other, trigger each other, and to shift from the possibility of a great conversation to one that crashes is to be messy in what you bring up…
Avoid jumping from topic to topic or example to example, going off on lengthy tangents, not fully finishing your thought or sentences before changing to something else, and such…
And avoid using sensitive information or already addressed and resolved issues to make your points! There is nothing more hurtful than to use your partner’s sensitivities, especially things shared in confidence or during vulnerable moments.
Take the time to organize your thoughts, your message, your point and stick with it as you go. Stay mindful of not hurting your partner unnecessarily, and especially not intentionally.
10 – Making a federal case
The point of a conversation with your partner is not to win. That’s right, there is no winning in a relationship… If you “win” that means your partner “loses”, right? And, if that’s the case, did you actually “win”?
When you go about a conversation as if you are trying a federal case, everybody loses. There is no logic or empirical data that’s relevant to getting on the same page… Everything about a relationship is subjective, emotional and personal…
Therefore, stop with trying to prove how things really happened, and who is right and who is wrong, and keeping a scorecard!
Tactics like analyzing, interpreting, diagnosing, questioning, probing, and arguing have no place in a conversation where you are holding space for your partner to show up and for you to really get them…
Conversations are not about me vs you. Conversations are about me getting you…
11 – Being aggressive in speech, attitude or behavior
The simplest way to create friction, misalignment, and invite poor reactions from our partner is to show up protecting ourselves, trying to win or one-up our partner. When we try to force our way in some way, it is destructive.
This can take a lot of different forms, but the not-so-obvious ones include: Ordering, directing, commanding, warning, threatening, admonishing, and the like…
12 – Patronizing in some form…
Believe it or not, some things that we might consider positive in interactions are actually not great forms of communication… These include things like: Praising, agreeing, supporting, reassuring, sympathizing, consoling, advising, giving solutions, suggesting and such. The reason for this is that we are infusing ourselves in the interaction with these tactics…
A conversation has two parts, being there for our partner and our partner being there for us. Being there for our partner means absolutely and fully getting their side without infusing anything from ours into it… It means not corrupting their experience with ours…
This is a huge concept, as most of us use the above to be supportive, understanding and such not realizing that we actually undermine, minimize and dismiss the other’s experience when we interject ourselves into it… Just hold space for your partner’s experience and their truth…
Let’s say that you don’t have great communication skills and tools yet. Being mindful of avoiding the above will take you a long way as you expand your great communication skills and tools repertoire.
The key is to bring as much mindfulness and positive intentions to your interactions as possible.
ASSIGNMENT: Make a list of all the poor communication habits and undermining tactics you tend to employ in your communication and interactions with your partner, and others for that matter! Select the two that are the most pervasive, and commit to eradicating them from approach.
Being an intentional and mindful communicator is a gift to your partner and your relationship. And, to you, as upgrading how you communicate will definitely bring your relationship to the next level. You CAN create the relationship you desire…
Wishing you much joy, connection and love today and always…
Copyright (c) 2021 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Couple Strategy™ that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly connection notes in your inbox with Personal Development and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com
One of the main roadblocks to creating a radiant and successful relationship is having poor communication skills and tools. Even if you believe you are a great communicator, you might not necessarily have the skills and tools needed to get on the same page with your partner… Great communication skills and tools are a must for succeeding at your relationship.
When I hear people say they are great communicators, a session from a long time ago come to mind. The wife was a self-proclaimed expert communicator. Her profession was Speech Pathology to boot. She believed she knew everything about communication and was the best at this skill.
What was really interesting is that in the session, she talked a mile-a-hour, barely took a breath, kept her husband quiet with her looks, and the massive amount of speaking wouldn’t let him get a word in edgewise… I even had a hard time getting anything in at first. And, this is common from self-proclaimed great communicators…
Being a great communicator doesn’t mean that you can talk a lot!
I share this story because this skill and related tools might get overlooked in their importance to the success of the relationship.
With great communication we are able to understand each other, show empathy and compassion, increase emotional intimacy, get on the same page, make decisions, resolve conflict, properly apologize, repair and make nice, and more.
Great communication allows us to Align in our humanness and in our partnership…
Communication skills is more than the words and tone we choose, our non-verbal communication, and showing interest in what the other has to say. Though some don’t even have this under their belt…
Communicating well goes beyond the actual exchange of words.
Communication Skills
You know you’ve communicated well with your partner when after a conversation you feel connected, on the same page and positive. Even if the topic discussed is a challenge.
Here are some communication skills:
Presence and Attentiveness
Being present in a conversation is huge. Don’t you hate when you are trying to share something with your partner and as you are talking, they keep doing what they were doing, they are moving around, and they even walk away? They don’t like it either when you do it.
Attunement is about having awareness, turning towards the other, having tolerance or holding space for the other’s feelings, showing understanding, having non-defensive responses and having empathy. This is necessary for the partners to synchronize and align creating regulation, resonance, and connection…
So, show up with your Best Self. Stop the fidgeting, the moving around, the doing, the leaving. Get involved in the interaction. Pay attention. Ignore distractions. Use eye-contact, touching and proximity. Attune…
Positive Non-Verbal Communication
Our tone of voice, eye contact, gestures, facial expressions and body positioning send messages of their own. We might be trying to convey something, but at the same time we might be giving a completely different message non-verbally.
The key here is to be aware of how we are using the space we are in, how we carry our body and our face, and how we interact using our mouth and eyes…
Some basic things to consider:
Turn your body towards your partner when they are speaking and mind the space between you, don’t move away but don’t crowd either. Keep your upper body open and leaning forward. Don’t cross your arms and legs, and specially not away from your partner.
Be extremely mindful of your facial expressions. We can say so much with a smirk, a smile, a grin, a frown, a furrow, a pout and such. Our faces speak volumes.
Pay attention to your gestures. This has to do with how you move your hands, your head, and other body parts. You can use these to tilt towards your partner and make soothing and comforting motions. You can be graceful and accentuating. Be careful of showing agitation, impatience, aggression and such.
A super important aspect of non-verbal communication is the eye-contact. If you are trying to connect, get on the same page, and align, you have to have eye-contact… Without it, it is difficult to feel felt, to feel heard and to feel understood. And, by the same token, it is difficult to feel, hear and understand the other… It is challenging to build trust without it…
And, single handedly, tone of voice can throw off the whole thing. Partners get tricky in their communication. They might use pretty language, but their tone is literally speaking louder than words.
Master this skill by being intentional about presenting consistently with what you are trying to convey.
Interest and Active Listening
Let’s say that you are not interested in what your partner is talking about. Let’s say they are talking about nutrition and all things wellness and you don’t give a hoot about that. How do you stay engaged in this kind of conversation?
Note, you don’ have to have the same interests, same views and agree on stuff to have a good conversation and to connect… This is a huge expectation and mistake partners make.
The key here is to be interested in your partner’s experience, feelings, perspective, preferences, what is happening for them, understanding their position or ideas and just being curious about your partner and their life…
It’s fascinating to be witness to how another person operates and what they are making of their human experience… Take your partner’s in! They are your Journey Partner. It behooves you to learn them…
With this mindset then it is much easier to be interested and show interest in a conversation. To ask questions, to genuinely wonder and want to understand and know. To get what’s being conveyed, and not just factually obviously.
Listen more than you speak, don’t interrupt, and reflect back what you are hearing. You got this.
Empathy and Compassion
This is a challenging area for partners. Specially for the one that is not as expressive or in touch with their feelings. If they are used to being guarded and have a tendency for blame and shame… If they have difficulties being vulnerable and tolerating vulnerability… Their emotional range is limited.
Having empathy means understanding and sharing the feeling of another person. Really getting how they feel. The other’s suffering is felt. It’s an emotional response.
Having compassion means understanding the other’s feelings and wanting to alleviate them or help. It’s a cognitive response.
Empathy precedes compassion, and without compassion empathy is exhausting as there is no outlet or opportunity to process the feelings…
We want to be able to be there for our partner and for then to know that we are there… The key here is to become more versed in feeling our own feelings, understanding the feelings of the other, expanding our emotional lexicon, and navigating how to be supportive to the other’s feelings.
This does not mean we offer how to fix things and solutions unsolicited!
The “male partner” is usually more on the spectrum side of linear thinking and speaking, cognitively logical, and data and facts driven. They are more precise and concise.
The “female partner” is usually more on the spectrum side of circular thinking and speaking, emotionally logical, and creativity and intuition driven. They are more ambiguous and long-winded.
There are pros and cons to both styles, and it gets messy in interactions the more the partners tend to polarize.
The key here is to go into a conversation or exchange with an understanding for the other’s proclivity and with a mindset of tolerance, acceptance and patience for the difference. And, then to mitigate the difference to get on the same page. This is where communication tools come in very handy.
Respect and Mindfulness
Hey, nobody likes to be talked down to, condescended, criticized, undermined, interrupted, yelled at, cursed at and such…
Being respectful in general in our relationship is paramount, and this even includes honoring requests and agreements, being PC and clean, not making jokes at the partner’s expense, not throwing them under the bus or divulging confidences, to name a few.
But more specifically in terms of communication, conversations just need to be respectful. Even if they escalate into a fight. Nothing good comes from crossing lines, being nasty, hurting your partner, and cutting at the bond cord between you…
Create a set of rules of expectations for communicating respectfully… Communication tools come in very handy here as well.
In terms of mindfulness, this is where we enter all interactions with a heart-based approach. Where we are mindful of our partner’s sensitivities, needs and preferences. We go in being mindful of the other human in the room with us… And, of how we honor and support them. How we can gift them with our brilliance. How we can synergize in this Journey…
Clarifying and Summarizing
If you’ve done fairly well with the above in an interaction, then this one is pretty easy. And if you haven’t this can be your chance to regroup and reset…
Clarifying is about stating what you are getting from the other’s message, making sure you are getting it, and asking any questions to clarify anything that you are not getting. It is about getting a full understanding of what the other is trying to convey.
This is not about translating, making it about you, sneaking in your point or side, and such. This is about totally getting your partner. This has to do with your partner feeling felt, understood and accepted. You don’t have to agree or love anything they are saying. You just need to get it, you need to get them. That’s the point of the exchange.
Partners have different experiences in the same interaction, even different interpretation and recollection of interactions. That’s ok, the point is to get their side not to agree. Additional communication tools come in handy here to assist in addressing the differences.
Summarizing is about recapping what you’ve gotten and are taking away from your partner’s sharing. This is how you feel you got somewhere… It’s impossible to have a good summary if the communication didn’t flow well.
Additional Observations
Very often partners get stuck and start looping because they get hung up on the others’ language, what they assume they mean, and what motivates they believe the other might have… The person that’s supposed to be listening gets all prickly about how the other is talking and their message. This is actually not only a communication issue, but also a boundary breach.
NOTE: Your partner is not defending a dissertation, submitting a novel for the Pulitzer prize, or trying a federal case. Unless you are talking with the intention of making a decision about something, don’t get hang up on facts, data and precision. Experiences and feelings are not about that…
And definitely don’t correct grammar, language, pronunciation and the like unless there is an agreement between that it’s ok to do so for some reason… You are not the boss of how your partner speaks, communicates or shows up…
Now that you understand these basic, but not easy and yet very learnable skills, your job is to expand your repertoire and mastery of this area of communication. Then, pursue corresponding tools and voila, you are cruising with getting on the same page.
As soon as you start practicing these skills, you’ll notice a significant difference on how your interactions go and your ability to connect…
ASSIGNMENT: Share and explore these Communication Skills with your partner. Invite them to improve communication in the relationship.
Wishing you much joy, connection and love today and always…
Copyright (c) 2021 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Couple Strategy™ that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly connection notes in your inbox with Personal Development and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com
Post Valentine’s Day Blues are real… There is even a thing as “Anti Valentine’s Day Week”… This week is not just for those that don’t believe on the mushy holiday, but also for those who are disappointed by it. Regardless of what camp you are in on the holiday and your Valentine’s Day experience, you can use this week to enrich your relationship. I say you – do it again, do it over, or do it after all…
This idea has to do with not wasting any opportunities to be loving, nurturing, and generous. So, whether you don’t care about Valentine’s Day, had a phenomenal experience, or had a terrible experience here is another opportunity to celebrate and enjoy each other…
~ Now, I get that you really might not give a hoot about Valentine’s Day – to that I say forget the Valentine’s Day concept behind this suggestion. Instead focus on the message.
The message is to do something amazing for and with your partner. Yes, you can do that anytime you don’t need this holiday for that. True. So, again, ignore the holiday and take the prompt to do something special and enjoy each other. Partners are neglecting each other more than ever right about now. So, whatever it takes, feel the nudge. Why not take a nudge to be loving any time, even this time?
~ You might have had an amazing Valentine’s Day. You get a Gold Star! It is not easy to plan, make the time, nurture and give, and enjoy good things… Specially with our partner…
So, why not do it again? And again? And again…? The point in this scenario is not to keep doing Valentine’s Day, but to keep nurturing your relationship just as much and as well. If we only gave our relationship as much attention and nurturing as we give other things in our life… Can you see the possibilities for your relationship?!
~ Right now, I actually want to support those who didn’t have a great experience for Valentine’s Day. They wanted to. They tried. But it was still a flop and didn’t get what they desired.
If this is you, you are not alone.
Why You Didn’t Have a Great Valentine’s Day
You might have set out to have a great Valentine’s Day or you got the flowers and the sweets, yet it all felt mechanical, empty and flat.
Valentine’s Day, or Anniversaries, or Mother’s and Father’s Days, or Birthdays for that matter, don’t have to do with the doing and the buying… This is partly where partner’s go wrong. Partners get hang up on the hoopla, or lack thereof, and miss the point of these celebrations…
The point to any celebration is to celebrate the people involved.
These celebrations have to do with acknowledging a partner’s brilliance, uniqueness, commitment, devotion, loyalty, contributions, accomplishments and how they make a positive difference in our life.
When we have celebrations, we might not do a great job of acknowledging and celebrating the people, and the relationship.
Celebrations become about the stuff and not the experience of spotlighting the awesomeness… Therein lies the rub…
People usually have a strong negativity bias, unless they are from Mars. Just kidding. Unless they are in the minority who don’t, for varied reasons. Or, if they’ve worked on reprogramming themselves and continue to be very intentional about focusing on the positives vs. the negatives…
When a person has a strong negativity bias, they filter every experience with a fear-based lens as a survival mechanism. They live in a blind-like state missing out on the awesomeness and the possibilities…
They notice and focus on everything that’s out of place, everything that’s wrong, everything that can be improved, everything that can be different or better, and such… This is not coming from a desire to continually evolve. This is coming from lack and deprivation and as a survival tactic… Very different.
So, I’m sure you can see how this plays out in our relationship… If one or both partners are constantly negatively focused, they’ll have a tendency to complain, nitpick, criticize, control, nag, micromanage, and the like.
And do you know what happens when partner’s do this? The other dismisses, minimizes, shuts down, withdraws, or chooses not to contribute (intentionally or not…).
You might take turns showing up with these defenses. Or, more likely you have polarized into one or the other style.
What happens when partners polarize? Their dynamics get stuck. They keep having the same recurring arguments, the same way. They can’t seem to resolve concerns or issues. They have a hard time getting on the same page and collaborating.
And, most importantly, when partners polarize, they feel disconnected, unloved, taken for granted and the like… They don’t know how to connect, have fun together and enjoy each other…
Well then, doesn’t it make sense that if a partner, or both, have been in a funk of any kind pre-pandemic, and even more so now with our global situation, that they’d have their negativity bias running rampant? And, if that’s the case, that they’d create funky dynamics and feel stuck in their relationship?
Then how are they supposed to see and acknowledge the beauty in their partner? How are they to celebrate their partner when they barely see them?
And, how are they to celebrate their relationship when they might not feel there is anything great to celebrate?
Doesn’t it make sense then that Valentine’s Day was rough??
How to Get Back to Loving…
The key here is not to go at Valentine’s Day or any celebration with a traditional approach. The solution is to address the state of your relationship…
And this is not by talking about the relationship… This is by focusing on Enriching Your Relationship. It’s about turning up the dial on how you show up, what you put in, and how grace-full and gracious you are… It’s about:
Minding your minds
Working at communication
Addressing triggers and meeting needs
Creating and nurturing connection
Cracking collaboration
Then you see your partner. Then you see their beauty. Then you love the relationship.
When you mind your relationship, you can celebrate your partner and your relationship…
This is a work in progress, so in the meantime the simplest thing to do is not to run the other way and to ignore the disappointing Valentine’s Day.
The thing to do is to try a celebration again… You don’t have to do the pink and red, but rather set up time to spotlight any awesomeness you are able to see and share the love you know you have… You might not be feeling the love right about now, but you know it’s there…
Set up the opportunity to connect and enjoy.
Here is another chance at Love. Take a risk, take advantage. There is nothing to lose.
ASSIGNMENT: Invite your partner to a Date. Include all the elements you know they enjoy. And, show up with your Best Self and best of intentions to please and be pleased. Look for and bask in what’s great. Enjoy!
Wishing you much joy, connection and love today and always…
Copyright (c) 2021 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Couple Strategy™ that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly connection notes in your inbox with Personal Development and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com
Do you love Valentine’s Day? Some obviously don’t. And, some would totally love to love it but because of their circumstances it is just a painful holiday for them. Which one are you? If you fall in the don’t love it (actually hate it) or in the painful category, I hope you can still find nuggets in here to apply to your life and relationship/s outside of Valentine’s Day… So, here is what to do with Valentine’s Day…
Yes, it has been a very challenging past year. What this past year has done for relationships is not actually what people predicted and anticipated at the beginning of the Pandemic. It has not brought on a Baby Boom. And, it has not brought on a surge in divorce rates.
What does this mean? This means that couples are actually in a paralyzed state. They are stagnant, they are stuck, they are numb. They are surviving the onslaught of additional demands and the impact of these scary and uncertain times and the tension they create.
Partners are enduring more friction, they are experiencing more fighting, and they are hanging in there with less attention, nurturing and compassion. They are putting their heads down and just drudging on…
They are resigned to their current state and are on survival mode. They seem frozen in time… They are not taking enough action to address their situation. They are just grinning and bearing it. A real sad state of affairs and really not sustainable…
Then, comes Valentine’s Day time…
Valentine’s Day can be used as a saving grace… This can be used to set things right…
I implore you, regardless of what camp you are in on VDay, to heed what’s offered here not to follow a shallow holiday but to use it as a tool…
This Valentine’s Day is Different
This Valentine’s Day is different this year, Partners:
Are not in the mood given their current state…
Find it frivolous to splurge on a silly holiday when funds are tight.
Might not have the financials to allocate to the holiday even they want to.
Feel at a loss for how to celebrate as options are very limited with the current restrictions.
Have inadequate support if they have small children making it harder to make time to celebrate.
Are preoccupied with more important things.
…
Well, I say all that is bogus:
You don’t need money to celebrate if that is your excuse…
Yes, we have restrictions, that can be worked around…
Stop using your children as an excuse to neglect your relationship…
And if you don’t have the will, I encourage you to challenge that for your own and your relationship’s wellbeing… Choose to transcend the minutia, the monotony, the numbness, the apathy and to show up… It is a choice!
Celebrating Valentine’s Day Amidst a Pandemic
Hey, nobody has ever said life is easy. It so happens that part of our journey includes weathering a Global Pandemic. Aren’t we lucky to have this additional extra experience to contend with? We can’t say our time on earth was boring. Thriving during this pandemic is our code to crack… So, let’s please do that…
You can celebrate as simply or as intricately as you like. If you are up for intricate you are on the right track on your own, but can still borrow from these to additionally enrich your relationship:
You don’t have to go out to dinner or worry that you have limited options for fun activities. You can do these at home. Cook a different and special meal. Add candles and soft ambient music. Put the devices away. Have a special fun dessert. Plan a fun at home activity…
You don’t have to have an event for it. You can just acknowledge the day with special treatment of your partner and gestures.
You can gift a thoughtful bought or homemade card, or video.
You can celebrate with as simple a gesture as a Love Letter or Love Poem or Love Art Piece…
You can set time for a few minutes of sharing appreciations.
You can have a dance off, a pillow or tickle fight, or chase around the house for a more energetic exchange.
You can choose to interact with or give Love Promissory Notes in your partner’s Love Language.
The sky is the limit, really. Let your imagination run wild. You make this what you want it to be….
Why even bother? WHY NOT?! This is a built-in opportunity to snap out of the numbness, to gain and give comfort and security, to synchronize energetically with your partner, to share a fun, nurturing and loving moment, to nurture your relationship, to acknowledge your love, to celebrate your love, to get back on track, to recharge and to reignite.
Don’t waste this opportunity to invest in your relationship!
And while you are at it, why not do something that you can use to start a new Relationship Tradition. I shared about Rituals and Traditions in a Facebook Live: Check out the recording!
Again, you don’t have to be all sappy about it if that is not your style but do use this opportunity to generate more relationship energy, cohesiveness and satisfaction. Let your radiance shine through!
ASSIGNMENT: Watch this webinar!
3 Key Ingredients for Rekindling Love & Desire- Learn how to increase your connection, intimacy and fun Get it Here!
Wishing you much joy, fun, connection and love and the loveliest of Valentine’s Days…
Copyright (c) 2021 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Couple Strategy™ that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly connection notes in your inbox with Personal Development and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com
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Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT has been in the mental health profession in varying capacities for the past 20+ years. She is the Founder and Director of metrorelationship.com a psychotherapy and coaching practice specializing in working with busy professional and entrepreneurial couples who are struggling getting on the same page and feeling connected. The work helps couples create a radiant and successful relationship and meaningful life by becoming a strong partnership and increasing their connection, intimacy, and fun. Emma is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Relationship Strategy™.
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