You know when you don’t feel so hot physically or emotionally, how you are more sensitive to most things? And, even more so with your partner and how they are being? The things that you would normally let go or that wouldn’t necessarily bother you, in this state they are actually experienced as micro aggressions. And, when this happens you are both thrown for a loop… You can prevent pain and drama with self-regulation and co-regulation.
What does that mean? Self-regulation is the ability to manage our thoughts, feelings and behaviors in our Journey. More specifically, emotional self-regulation is our ability to manage disruptive feelings and impulses in the face of a trigger. It means having a moderate and appropriate response commensurate to the perceived infraction or stressor.
Co-regulation then is the ability of a person to manage their own responses in an interaction so that they are supportive to the other in managing their feelings and impulses. When one remains calm and soothing, their nervous system calms the other’s producing a feedback loop that is soothing to both…
When managing responses to help alleviate a situation and support the other, we’d use non-verbal safety cues, warmth, soothing tone of voice, communication that acknowledges distress, supportive silence if indicated, and an openness to discuss the experience.
Self-regulation is super important as a life skill… When we get good at self-regulating life becomes so much easier… We are not as triggerable and hypersensitive, we are more resilient, we are more steady and stronger… We feel solid, unshakable, and empowered… We feel good about ourselves and our abilities. It actually contributes to our self-esteem…
Most people usually don’t take this on as a personal project, unless they are into personal development, are in therapy or are a therapist. LOL
But this is not a bad thing to take seriously, and to take on as a personal development focus…
I can tell you, that the people that did the best this past year are the people who have done some personal development work and have increased their resilience level… I invite you to review posts from intense times during the pandemic for more on all this…
When we are more solid and not as easily perturbed by the silly things in life and our partner’s imperfections, we just have a much easier go of it… It shows in our state of mind on a daily basis, in our interactions with others, in our relationship with our loved ones, in our work, and in our life in general.
When we increase our self-regulation and our resilience increases as a byproduct, we are no longer blown by the wind and don’t spend our resources on primarily dealing with ourselves and the drama we create!
This means that we have more internal resources for the things that are important to us in life, and for creating our Best Life.
Furthermore, this means that we are able to create a radiant and successful relationship, our Best Relationship, with our partner as we are showing up steadier and more authentically. We are not showing up with noise and defenses… Can you see the full impact of this?
Improving your self-regulation
Pursuing improving self-regulation doesn’t have to be intimidating… It’s actually quite simple. It’s as easy as implementing a Self-care Practice…
A self-care practice is about taking care of yourself, Mothering yourself… It is about giving yourself love and nurturing. And, it’s about meeting your needs. When you embrace a self-care practice, you embrace a self-love practice… This is the reprogramming your brain needs to rewire itself and facilitate self-regulation…
Hey, if you are saying, Who has time for Self-Care, I encourage you to revisit that limiting belief… Where there is a will there is a way. For example, my next door neighbor power walks up and down her driveway (as her children are home) while on work calls to fit in her daily exercise. Bam!
Now, I’m not suggesting or encouraging anyone to multitask this way. But, I am suggesting that you can figure it out if you want to. It’s all about building inhabits into your daily routine to support your efforts. Building in habits into your routine is an effective way to self-manage, as you become more intentional about your day and preventative of chaos, stress and triggers…
Improving your self-management, improving your self-regulation, increasing your resilience, and increasing your self-esteem are all fabulous attributes to pursue as these significantly contribute to the quality of your relationship and your life…
When you are less triggerable and are able to stand still and not get blown by the wind, you are able to be available and present for your partner and your relationship… You are able to show up calmly, soothingly and compassionately to an interaction, and hence you are able to contribute to co-regulation as needed…
Additionally, when you show up better, you are less likely to trigger your partner in turn allowing them to show up properly for you and also contribute to co-regulation… Tada!
There is a built-in feedback-loop in the reciprocity of the interactions. This is how you change relationship patterns and dynamics…
I hope you get how powerful and impactful this concept is. And, that you can make a huge difference in your relationship and your life with as simple a tactic as implement a Self-Care Practice through (Wellness) Habits in your Daily Routine…
ASSIGNMENT: What say you? Ready now to implement a Self-Care Practice, or uplevel one you might already have? We can always stand to evolve more… (Wink!)
1) Take stock of activities in your life that are meant to give yourself care and love. Don’t judge or shame yourself. Whatever you are at, it’s ok. Remember, you are on a Journey…
2) Check out our blog for prior blog posts on Self-care and YouTube for inspiration and ideas of other activities that would replenish and enrich you. The idea is to appropriately give yourself more Love.
3) Choose 3 activities you’d like to implement, create Habit behaviors of them, and integrate them into your Daily Routine.
Before you know it, you’ll see a massive difference on how grounded, steady and strong you feel. And, you’ll notice what a difference it’s making in your days and in your relationship. Go at it and fun with it!
As with anything, when you bring consciousness, focus and attention to something, Awesomeness happens. I wish this for you in your life and your relationship.
Wishing you much joy, connection and love today and always…
Copyright (c) 2021 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Couple Strategy™ that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly connection notes in your inbox with Personal Development and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com
Do you feel like you are spinning your wheels and getting nowhere fast in your life? Do you feel like your world got turned upside down and you don’t know what’s up or down? Do you feel exhausted and completely unmotivated? Do you feel like are banging around without purpose and alone? Do you feel disconnected from your partner and like you are both just floating around?
You are not alone. Imagine a gigantic hand grabbed the world this past year and shook it and shook it. Everything is rattled and out of place. We are just now beginning to get up and look around to see where everything landed…
We are disoriented and shaken up… We might have a blurry vision, a ringing in our ears, a cloudy head, an upset stomach, shortness of breath, and some aches and pains… (metaphorically, and possibly quite literal as well…) We haven’t fully righted ourselves yet…
We have barely started to enter the aftermath of this unprecedented global phenomenon. We want to be done with it already, but there is no sense in rushing what is… There is good stuff here for us to take away, and I’m not sure the full message has been received yet… Hence, the continuation of this challenge…
Our job in all this is to figure out what it means for our own personal Human Experience and what we are to do with it…
What are the challenges that you are experiencing and what do they mean for you in the context of your Life…? See if you can step back from the everyday practical impact, and recognize what else is being spotlighted for you…
Let’s look at: What is our growth place? What do we need to heal? What do we need to integrate? How do we need to stretch? What do we need to learn? How do we need to grow, develop and evolve?
You might be throwing your hands up in the air right about now in frustration because you think you have no clue.
Or worse yet, you are suffering but are still rejecting all notions about personal development as the answer and are experiencing resistance… But I implore you to open your mind, ever so slightly, soothe that ego, and see if there isn’t the remote chance that this is the way out…
Look at what gets you. What repeating triggers, annoyances and patterns do you experience in your life? What is the usual and common feeling that you contend with day in and day out? What is the story you kept telling yourself is the issue in your life? Where do you feel stuck? Where do you want to be that you haven’t been able to get to yet? Do you even know where you want to be?
SO, I direct you to embracing a Relationship Enrichment Lifestyle™ to assist you with all this…
What is a Relationship Enrichment Lifestyle™ and how can it help?
The Relationship Enrichment Lifestyle™ is a new approach to our life… Where the answer is living consciously, intentionally, with an open heart, and in connection… These are core tenets of the Relationship Enrichment Lifestyle™ protocol…
The Relationship Enrichment Lifestyle™
The Relationship Enrichment Lifestyle™ is comprised of three parts:
I – The Joint Vision II – The 5 Elements of the Successful Couple Strategy™ [a.k.a., The Strategy]
Watch the Video to learn more and complete the Assignment below!
ASSIGNMENT: Make a commitment to embrace a Relationship Enrichment Lifestyle™:
I –The Joint Vision – Design Your Joint Vision:Envision your own and have your partner do the same (think what you want in each area of life, what you’d like your life to be in 1, 5, 10, 25 years from now). Share your visions with each other, iron out any discrepancies, and integrate new pieces to create your Joint Vision… This is what you are working towards…
II – The 5 Elements of the Successful Couple Strategy™ – Work The Strategy: Focusing on The Strategy Element that needs the most attention, make sure are intentional about your mindset, communication, self-regulation and reprogramming, connection and collaboration on a daily basis…
III – Living Your Intentional Ideal Day – Live with Gusto and Intention: Design your Ideal Day using TimeMapping and TimeChunking for more focus, efficiency and flow… Add in your repeating behaviors, your tactics and habits, to help you achieve your goals… Make sure you use Intentional Habits, Wellness, Connection & Success Habits.
As with anything, when you bring consciousness, focus and attention to something, Awesomeness happens. I wish this for you in your life and your relationship.
Wishing you much joy, connection and love today and always…
Copyright (c) 2021 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Couple Strategy™ that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly connection notes in your inbox with Personal Development and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com
Sometimes things don’t seem to be working out the way we’d prefer in our life and our relationship. We don’t lose the weight. We don’t get the promotion or hit our sales target. We haven’t gotten engaged yet. We keep having the same fight. There is a reason for this. The reason is that we are getting in our own way…
Now, I say with lots of love and compassion, for who wants to hear it’s their fault they are having a hard time. Right?
But the reality is that we are carrying on in a way that doesn’t allow us to create our best relationship and best life. Here are a few things that are getting in our way…
We have:
1 – A victim and powerless mentality, a negativity bias, poor boundaries and lack of personal ownership
2 – Lacking communication skills, inability to apologize or apologize well, no repair know-how and how to make amends
3 – Unresolved wounds and repeating patterns, poor self-regulation, no self-care practice
4 – A guarded heart, low connection and intimacy ability, lack of relationship prioritization
5 – Distractions, over commitment, disorganization, no collaboration system
When we don’t attend to our own healing, growth, development and evolution, we get in our own way of having the relationship and life we want. We are only able to create as far as how we are operating allows us to go…
We can only create as far as we have with how we currently are.
To continue to create our best relationship and our best life, we need to continue to create our best selves…
We can’t change our world if we don’t change first, it’s impossible:
1 – We can’t see the beauty that is our Partner if we continue to blame everything on them and lack personal ownership…
2 – We can’t communicate better if we don’t improve our communication skills.
3 – We can’t stay steady in the face of a trigger or a fight if we can’t self-regulate, if we lack resilience.
4 – We can’t connect and have intimacy, passion and fun if we don’t make time for our partner and relationship and have a guarded heart.
5 – We can’t have a joyful, peaceful, harmonious and lovely home if we can’t collaborate in running our joint life…
So, you see whatever is troubling you, whatever you haven’t been able to achieve yet, it’s because you are getting in your own way… Sorry, don’t shoot the messenger. LOL
But you can create what you want after all. You just have to go about it a bit differently than you have been…
When you keep having the same fight…
You keep having the same fight because:
1 – You keep looking at your partner the same way. You keep doing the same things that bother your partner.
2 – You keep addressing their disappointment or complaint the same way.
3- You chase them or push them away as usual.
4 – You don’t consistently give them love in their love language.
5 – And, your ego gets in the way about how things should be done.
Well? You see what predicament you get yourself in?
Do you see that any change in any of these areas would give you a different outcome? How you actually have control over how things play out…?
You are super powerful. When you decide that you’ll show up differently and set that intention, you do. And, when you do, so does your partner… Voila!
Of course, I don’t want to oversimplify this. I know that the best of intentions don’t always stick… But therein lays information for your use as well, to help you continue to heal, grow and develop.
The more you work your intentions and learn from what doesn’t work, the more you can change, and the more you change, the more you can address your world and your partner differently…
And that is all it takes to create something different, to create the relationship and life you want.
ASSIGNMENT: Decide that you mean business and that you will change so you can create change in your relationship and your life…
I – Take note that the items in the lists above are related the 5 Elements of the Successful Couple Strategy™:
1 – Context & Mindset
2 – Communication & Alignment
3 – Clarity & Dynamics
4 – Connection & Intimacy
5 – Collaboration & Partnership
II – Identify the Element that needs most of your attention
III – Play with that Element until you acquire some mastery, for example:
1 – Embrace a Relationship Enrichment Mindset (your partner is your Partner with a couple P…)
2 – Improve communication, apology and repair skills
3 – Identify your wounds and triggers, change your response to your partner’s, implement a rich self-care practice
4 – Set up Connection Habits, implement a Dating Partner Protocol, safe-guard couple time
5 – Simplify your life and cut down on commitments, establish a Collaboration System
IV – Move on to the other Elements that also need attention, keep cycling through them till you see your Transformation…
As with anything, when you bring consciousness, focus and attention to something, Awesomeness happens. I wish this for you in your life and your relationship.
Wishing you much joy, connection and love today and always…
Copyright (c) 2021 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Couple Strategy™ that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly connection notes in your inbox with Personal Development and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com
Does it feel like we are turning a leaf to you? It feels like that to me, so grateful, though we are still dealing with significant restrictions around here.
I know some are feeling burnt out with all pandemic related topics and impact.
I know some are enjoying aspects of the temporary new normal.
I know some are still getting their bearings as this thing threw them for a loop.
I know some days are better than others.
I know most are wondering what the future brings…
Regardless of where you are, and you have your own spectrum, it’s all good. It’s part of your own Journey… As I’ve been writing, the key is to find the good in this for you and how to make that work even better for you…
Do you miss in-person contact? I’m sure you do.
Do you miss getting about? I’m sure you do.
Do you miss not having access to things that make life richer and easier? I’m sure you do.
Is the amount of screen-time zapping your energy? I’m sure it is.
Just like I’m sure you miss other things as well. Or worse, you’ve been impacted in more significant ways. Yes, this thing has not been easy.
But are you going to let it define your existence? Are you going to let it kick you in the teeth? It doesn’t have to. Things happen, we survive them, we even become better because of them. That’s the Human Experience we signed up for! This is the point…
So, our batch of experiences included 911, the market crash of ‘08, the pandemic of 2020 to name a few, and who knows what else is in store for us. Not claiming to enjoy crisis, but hey they give us life content to work with…
What are you doing with your experience? You don’t have to be the next Elon Musk, Bill Gates, and such people that revolutionize the world (all politics aside). Though you can be if that is what’s burning in you. I’m talking much simpler than that. I’m talking about you becoming your better you through this… You 2.0. Taking this opportunity to up your game…
You don’t have to tackle that massive project you’ve been putting off.
You don’t have to declutter your whole house.
You don’t have to do, whatever you think you have to do, that you don’t want to do… LOL
This is not about doing… I think the more enthusiastic among us might be getting this confused…
This is about Becoming… This is about how we show up differently, how we lead differently, how we create, and co-create, differently…
This is about starting again differently. For those of you dying to go back, please stop that! We do not want to go back!
We want to reStart… We want to go into a New Normal that is better than what we were doing before… This is the whole point… This is the reset button you’ve been waiting for, even if you didn’t know it… So, don’t miss it…
I’d really hate to see people throw away this opportunity to Be in their lives differently… To learn better Self-Mastery…
I’d love to see you be who you’ve longed to Be…
Feeling your feelings and being your full authentic self because of them… To not depend on any numbing…
Meditating or embracing a Quiet/Silence Practice, or some other form of mindfulness, if you believe meditation is not for you.
Owning your calendar and your time. Learning how to flow in your days with ease, joy, love and great results in all you put your mind to.
Expanding your self-care practice. If you still think you don’t have time, I challenge you to clean this script… Make the time! The same goes for the interests, the hobbies, the relaxation, the leisure, and like we call it in our house, the “lazy time”.
Trimming and honing your socializing with whom and on what inspires you. We are now in-touch, and long-distant-in-touch to boot, more than ever before!
Designing and creating a new lifestyle that honors and serves you. That flows from your values, priority, goals and mission… Then bringing this with you into the reopening, into your New Normal…
This is your chance to set up what you want…
This is your chance to influence and impact…
This is your chance to course correct, pivot, or just align more…
I implore you to take on this perspective and don’t merely survive this pandemic and this shutdown…
ASSIGNMENT: Let’s get a grip and start creating what we want and how we want to be!
~~ Select 3 areas you want to focus on decoding and mastering, i.e.:
Wellness
Relationship(s)
Finances
~~ Select 1 tactic for each that you’ll integrate now into your lifestyle, i.e.:
Wellness – meditating, journaling, taking supplements, exercising, eating low carb and intermittent fasting, doing skin care regimen, keeping a gratitude ledger
Relationship(s) – starting the day aligned, staying in touch, connecting for lunch, doing the little things, having intentional dinner, being courteous and mindful, doing Appreciations, having a nighttime ritual, planning fun dates
Finances – knowing your numbers, staying current, having a place for important documents and sharing access, having clear goals, having a debt reduction strategy, having a savings system, having an investment partnership
~~ Schedule an action for each into your calendar now! Then keep taking actions to master that tactic. Move on to another one once the first is completed or integrated.
And, this is how you design and create the life you want and how you want to show up now that you can bring into your New Normal…
It doesn’t have to be complicated. New us 2.0, innovating for the future, and other such lingo can sound overwhelming… But all we are looking to do, is what we were supposedly always trying to do – have our Best Life!
It doesn’t have to be about creating a new world out there. It totally has to be about creating a New World with us…
Here are recent Blog posts for quick reference, for you to grab what fits your current state and situation…
Complete the Assignment, and share your takeaway, insights, and results with a note in the Comments box at the end! I’d love to hear how you are using this content.
Happy Becoming!
Copyright (c) 2020 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
I’m hearing a whole range of experiences from people, depending on who they are, where they are and how much of an impact the lockdown had in their life for starters. Just know that whatever your version is, whether you are bogging out, are having a reaction, or are feeling guilty for being fine, it’s ok and you are not alone…
We are all on our own Journey, and this includes what we make of and take away from this Pandemic…
This is a collective experience that will have a long-lasting effect… We don’t know what that will look like yet, but we are beginning to experience the shifts already…
> Most have been dealing with the immediacy of the lockdown.
> Some are thinking of the longer-term impact.
> A few are thinking, What is the bigger picture here? What is the larger global and humanistic impact? What is the longer-longer-term impact? What are we deconstructing…? How do we reconstruct better…?
I notice that the type of thinking and focus people allow themselves determines how they feel, how they show up, and how they embrace the good of this situation… And, yes, there is good!
I challenge you to embrace a personal development approach, to entertain different perspectives, to engage in progressive conversations… To stretch yourself. To ask poignant questions. To shift your focus. To take charge of your wellbeing and your influence… To own your power, your gifts, your impact. We all have these… You have these also!
How? One way is to think of this situation as traumatic… It has been traumatic in a global scale, albeit to different degrees for different people but non-the-less traumatic… This is a good thing. Because once you get in touch with your trauma, then you have the option to experience your Post Traumatic Growth.
Post Traumatic Growth is learning to deal with the impact, manage what comes of it, and do better because-of it, not in-spite-of it…
Let me repeat that: You will do better ~ Evolve ~ because-of it, not in-spite-of it…
Note, in-spite-of implies victimhood… Whereas Because-of implies an opportunity, a Gift… Everything in our life happens For us, not To us. We are all on a Journey…
You experienced the Pandemic and lockdown just how you needed to experience it for your own Evolution… Don’t shoot the messenger! I’m sorry, if you are offended by that… But, please see what is true about that for you… This is where you’ll find your growth opportunity, your chance for the better… Don’t miss out on the gift!
Are you one of the Most, one of the Some or one of the Few? The choice is yours…
So, what are you making of your Pandemic Experience? How are you Evolving because-of it, how are you evolving during this? How is that impacting how you show up to your life? How is that impacting what you create in your life? How is that impacting how you design and create your life? What will you be doing differently in the New World?
Isn’t this line of thinking so super exciting? This is where you create your juice! I always get compliments on my energy and how energetic I am… I’m always asked how I do it. I have a bunch of tactics up my sleeve, but minding my perspective and approach is a powerful one…
ASSIGNMENT: Embrace the built-in opportunity to up-level your life because-of the current situation…
-Pay attention to what you have been struggling with during the lockdown… (i.e., feeling overwhelmed, stressed and anxious)
-Translate the struggle into your growth opportunity… (i.e., owning self more)
-Choose a tactic to help you address this opportunity… (i.e., improve self-management)
-Create a repeatable action from it and integrate it into your daily routine… (i.e., get grounded and in control with a brain-dump at the end of the day and then planning the next day)
-Monitor your progress – Are you sticking to your daily action? How many out of 7 do you have each week? Keep increasing that number…
Enjoy the Evolution!
When people are faced with other’s position on having a Productive Pandemic, they feel intimidated and coward. This approach and perspective does not have to be intimidating. It’s not about you taking on the world and changing it by tomorrow.
It does have to do with you doing You well. It has to do you still properly showing up to your life. And, it has to do with you seeing any inherit benefits in the situation and milking them for what they have to offer…
Don’t feel intimidated and stick to binging on Netflix. All you have to do is make a commitment to having a growth mindset and growing/evolving one tiny bit at a time. You can do it!!
Here are recent Blog posts for quick reference, for you to grab what fits your current state and situation…
Complete the Assignment, and share your takeaway, insights, and results with a note in the Comments box at the end! I’d love to hear how you are using this content.
Happy Evolving!
Copyright (c) 2020 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
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Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT has been in the mental health profession in varying capacities for the past 20+ years. She is the Founder and Director of metrorelationship.com a psychotherapy and coaching practice specializing in working with busy professional and entrepreneurial couples who are struggling getting on the same page and feeling connected. The work helps couples create a radiant and successful relationship and meaningful life by becoming a strong partnership and increasing their connection, intimacy, and fun. Emma is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Relationship Strategy™.
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