First, if you are a Mom, sending you lots of love and appreciation for all you do and endure as a Mom… Second, if you are not a Mom, I’m sure there is a Mom in your life that you can Celebrate… And, third, we all have a Mother inside us to whatever extent. It’s part of the human condition to Care…
This is a perfect time to review how we are doing in the Caring department. How are we being amazing (not perfect) Moms to our children? How are we being amazing Caring individuals to the ones we love? How do we show care, tenderness, nurturing? How do we show up so that others know we Care?
Sometimes our intentions are misread, misheard, or misinterpreted… This happens more often than not. Whether it happens or not depends on a myriad of reasons:
The context – There could be a hurried, stressed, anxious, overwhelmed, hungry, tired, or such state by the sending or receiving party in the interaction that whatever is put out doesn’t come out or land well.
Our agenda – We can have the best of intentions to do something nice for someone, but it can be driven by our own needs and therefore might not match the needs or desires of the person we are trying to show Care.
Our style – Sometimes we mean well and it meets the need of the intended recipient, but our approach is lacking. We might be overbearing, pushy, critical, controlling, demanding, flashy, or the opposite, quiet, unassuming, simple, too practical, low key, undemonstrative, standoffish, etc. Either way it’s a challenge to receive what we put out.
Their script – Additionally, regardless of what we are doing the other person is using their lens to receive us. They have a preconceived notion about us, different expectations, their own narrative about life and the world. They’ll experience and interpret as they are programmed…
This plays a huge role in relationship with people and specially in relationship with our Partner. It is very interesting to be the witness if you may in Couple Therapy. From as much of a neutral stance that is possible, we (Therapists) are able to hear the partners’ messages how they are intended.
Though they might come out or land crooked, which is immediately evident by the other’s reaction… The same thing said by the Therapist is usually received better!
It is imperative that each Partner, or in the case of other relationships that both parties, mind their own side of the interaction: Taking care of their own state, taking care of their motivation and how they show up, and being mindful of the other person’s sensitives as best they can.
Our goal is to be our best Human Self… Part of that is being nice, caring, loving, and the like. It is our job to do that well. This does not mean Loving/Caring too Much as in being Codependent… Find out if you are Loving/Caring too Much HERE!
Our job is to show care appropriately, so that others feel the Care. If they are running from us or complaining they don’t get enough then our approach needs tweaking…
The best way to give targeted Care is by giving care in their Love Language and by giving it from our own circle, from us owning ourselves (not them!). Doing for others what they can do for themselves is part of being codependent… This is disempowering for the person we are supposedly caring for, and extremely frustrating in the end for the person delivering the so call “care”.
Assignment: Take stock of how Caring you are being, if you are being Amazing, codependent or sucky… Identify the main area (context, agenda, style or script) that usually gets you. Identify what you need to tweak about your approach. Identify 3 specific things to change, decide to change them, and go for it.
Any tweaking you do will have a major impact. People are sensitive to how we relate to them. If we show up differently, they’ll notice… Sometimes our shift is more internal than external, and it takes a while for it to become visible others. Don’t get mad at them if they don’t notice your efforts… Just keep doing your side…
Step up the good/appropriate Care you give others in your life. This can include simple appreciation and gratefulness for what they do and who they are… Doing this in and of itself is also good for you. With gratitude your brain goes into a different state, a feeling good state. Generosity, gratitude, kindness and such are related to our sense of Happiness. Everybody wins!
Enjoy the Care you give!
Share your takeaway, insights, and results by leaving a comment below! I’d love to hear how you are using this content.
Copyright (c) 2019 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
Have you noticed that whatever you are dealing with, more of it shows up in your life? It can even start to feel like the universe is playing a joke on you. Have you had that experience? Of course, it’s awesome when this applies to good stuff in our lives. Not so much when the repeating item is frustrating, painful or generally negative.
This can show up in the form of themes in shows, songs and publications, or just things you notice. This can show up as issues with different people. This can show up as repeating patterns in your relationship. I’m sure you’ve noticed one of the underlying themes in my writing is about focusing on what we contribute to a situation and on the positive in others, in giving our partner the benefit of the doubt…
And, I’ve written about, and refer to this multiple times a day in my work with clients, that we have a tendency to focus on the negative and “How our partner sucks.” So, I was thrilled when two different resources showed up in my inbox this week about our brain’s tendency for “negativity bias”… But then I had to check-in with myself and ask if this was to be used as a professional resource, or was this applicable to Me as well…
It is part of the human condition to be egocentric, we filter everything as to how it applies to us… Part of the work is to do my own work… Staying open to the possibility that I might be ready for additional work in this area I embraced this as a personal challenge.
And, lo and behold, some things that had crept up as recent annoyances in my life all of a sudden no longer felt as such… A minor adjustment in focus and assigned meaning provided a huge relief to my overall emotional state. Wow!
What does this mean for you? It means, let’s go back to what I usually offer. Stop focusing on “How your partner sucks”, and focus instead on how you are showing up, how you are taking care of yourself, how you are resourced and present, on how you are contributing to the conflict, tension or dissatisfaction. Focus on what you can do different and how you choose to look at your partner, and others!
You have control and power to change your side, you don’t have control and power to change other’s. Don’t even try, it’s a waste of resources. This is where partners go wrong. They spin their wheels becoming more frustrated and hurt.
Stop focusing on what is not working, what you don’t like, how something could be different, why are things not better and the like. Stop your negativity bias! Focus instead on your and other’s strengths, what you do like, what touched your heart, how the other invested, on their intention and motivation (don’t assign negative motives either!).
Stop the negativity bias and feel load off your shoulders, trust me!
Share your takeaway, insights, and results by leaving a comment below! I’d love to hear how you are using this content.
Copyright (c) 2019 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
A crippling state in relationships is when partners can’t seem to get each other and get on the same page. Partners struggle with being themselves, seen, accepted, recognized and embraced. I find when couples struggle is because the partners are having a difficult time honoring themselves and each other…
The partners get busy trying to be seen, acknowledged, get their needs met and have their way that they lose sight of the other and shoot themselves in the foot with their approach. They encroach on their partner bringing about the opposite of what they are actually seeking.
Partners bring baggage (wounds, triggers, buttons) and blind spots to their relationship that makes them vulnerable to recreating disappointing patterns. They bring histories laden with poor role modeling and emotional injuries, lack of relational and self management skills, meager relationship and life mindsets, invalidating habits and routines, and a haphazard approach to their relationship.
— It behooves partners to identify what emotional injuries they are carrying around that keeps attracting situations as opportunities to repair and heal… Why be tortured and get smacked upside the head by leaving this to chance? Assertively seek out what is your internal driver and set up a plan to address and heal this. It is time to eradicate this black hole that sucks the life out of your relationship.
— It behooves partners to learn how to effectively participate in their relationship for maximum impact and results. This needs to be a life long investment to always enhance, improve and sharpen their skills – communication, conflict resolution, decision making, breaking patterns, meeting needs, self soothing, containing, risk taking, nurturing, connection, intimacy, dreaming, goal setting and achieving, etc.
— It behooves partners to be intentional about what they allow to rent space in their heads. It is imperative to be mindful about thought processes, thinking habits and scripts, and negative and distorted thinking patterns they allow to ensnare them. Relationships are not logical puzzles to be solved!
— It behooves partners to proactively set up their support, environment, routines, rituals and self care to facilitate a smooth and pleasurable journey.
— It behooves partners to prioritize their partner, mindfully and intentionally give to their partner, stretch to meet their partner’s needs (in the stretch we grow… so we both benefit…), and set up mechanisms to make this effortless.
Partners have strengths they bring to the relationship that complement each other. It is important to capitalize on these as they are part of their attraction and their contribution to the relationship. A lot of times we focus on what we lack, what we need to do better, holes to fill, the stretches we need to make that we end up muting what we actually have to contribute…
For the Pursuer – How do you contain, chill out, let go, trust, continue to be nurturing without becoming a doormat or a martyr? Do embrace your expressiveness, connecting and nurturing know-how.
For the Distancer – How do you take a risk, be vulnerable, express feelings, and partake without losing your voice? Do embrace your practical, logical, and down-to-earth savvy.
When couples struggle they go to extremes using their assets making them a hindrance instead; or they pause or hide them in order to feel more compatible but end up cheating the relationship and their partner of their strengths and attraction…
Find the balance between overpowering and cheating your relationship of your strengths… Go forth honoring your Selves and properly investing in your relationship. Then awesomeness is in-stored for you!
Happy Balancing!
~ Your MetroRelationship™ Assignment
Identify a gift or character strength that you have been underutilizing in your relationship.
Gently (re)introduce it into your relating. Invite your partner to do the same.
Be aware of your own and your partner’s resistance in favor of maintaining the status quo…
Add this to your Tool Kit…
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
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Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT has been in the mental health profession in varying capacities for the past 20+ years. She is the Founder and Director of metrorelationship.com a psychotherapy and coaching practice specializing in working with busy professional and entrepreneurial couples who are struggling getting on the same page and feeling connected. The work helps couples create a radiant and successful relationship and meaningful life by becoming a strong partnership and increasing their connection, intimacy, and fun. Emma is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Relationship Strategy™.
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