We know the Holidays and year-end can be stressful and triggering. We deal with this every year. But now we have the added pressure of a raging pandemic added to the mix. We have the sensitivities and aftermath of a close and tumultuous election. We have the flavor of what 2020 has been hanging over our heads. Hey, it makes sense that holiday thoughts are stressing you out, probably a lot more than usual.
You might be experiencing a lot of angst and have already encountered tough decision moments. Or, you haven’t given the holidays and year-end much thought yet. Either way whether you’ve been in it or will be in it and to whatever extent, do keep in mind that this is not our usual season. And, it might be super helpful to be extra intentional about going into the last bit of the year…
We don’t want to be blindsided. We don’t want to be kicked in the teeth with unpleasant surprises. We don’t want to be unprepared. We don’t want to get sucked into major drama. We don’t want to be victimized. We don’t want to make things worse for ourselves. We don’t want to end the year in a low note. We still want to make the best of 2020!
We can address this from two angles:
Logistics, practical and external – we can put our preventative, proactive and progressive hat on and get really creative and resourceful about how we go about the holidays and year-end. We can make as much or as little of the restrictions and impact facing us as we allow. We can work around them and make the best of things. It is what it is after all. The sooner we embrace that this is not our usual holiday season and treat it as such, the easier things will go.
When we resist and try to force things, it’s when we feel powerless and hopeless. This is the feeling we want to prevent by getting ahead of it. And, we can by thinking outside the box and using with situation as an opportunity to stretch ourselves and try out different things for fit…
This is an opportunity to have a real different holiday and year-end experience. Take advantage of it!
Meaning, emotional and internal – if you thought the above was challenging, then hang on to your panties. This is where the real angst is, this is what trips people up. The expectations, family dynamics, unresolved traumas and issues, and the meaning we assign everything… As soon as the holidays and year-end start approaching, some people’s heart increase their palpitations… Add to it this year’s extra pressures, fatigue and rawness. It can be tough.
The key here is to do the emotional preparedness side of things as you notice your dysregulation… You might notice your edginess, impatience, intolerance, less bandwidth, lack of focus, spinning, shortness of breath, pit in your stomach, cravings, insomnia, headaches, back pain, fatigue, and other emotional and physical states that don’t feel so great.
These are signs to take care of yourself and be intentional about how you proceed for a more pleasant and enjoyable experience…
Here are 3 tactics to help you ride the wave the rest of 2020:
~Be super intentional about how you want the holidays to go and make your plans accordingly. Use this opportunity to have different holidays, why not make them positively memorable.
~Be super intentional about being preventative and proactive to minimize drama and triggers. Identify what usually triggers you during this time and address the root cause, why not be more diligent in taking care of yourself.
~Be super intentional about successfully wrapping up the year. Decide what’s important to you to tackle and accomplish before the end of the year, why not end 2020 with a bang.
We are usually great at piling it on and tackling the world’s problems. We want to make sure in general, and especially now with everything that is going on, that we go at it with ease. That our intentionality helps us set effective boundaries, so we don’t over pile it on. That it helps us be preventative and proactive about our wellness and resilience. That it helps us create joy, meaning and connection.
If we are intentional about our approach to the rest of the year, we’ll create what we desire. The key is to get ahead of it, not wing it or do it by default.
ASSIGNMENT: Choose the area that is giving you the most angst and tackle it with gusto:
The practical side of the holidays – make them different and memorable, why not Emotional side of the holidays – get to the root of your triggers, why not Accomplishing goals by year-end – go for the gold, why not
Life is what you make of it. Make it a good one!
This time of year is usually challenging for people without all the added layers 2020 brings to it. Don’t allow yourself to fall victim to the restrictions and any gloom. You can create a beautiful ending anyway…
Copyright (c) 2020 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Couple Strategy™ that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly connection notes in your inbox with Personal Development and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com
With only two months left to 2020, still pending election results, a ranging pandemic and looming holidays, life can feel pretty stressful right about now. Our plates are full as usual and then some. We are still trying to recoup the year, weather this pandemic, and get stronger footing in our life. The positive coping necessary to actually thrive during this time becomes elusive under these uncertain times and sustained stress. The drama and pain in uncertainty can be pretty debilitating.
Uncertainty in terms of not knowing what to expect for certain things in our everyday life is a good thing as it keeps us on our toes and keeps things fresh. Remember during the lockdown, the monotony was driving some people batty? The way their day would go was too certain…
Therefore, all uncertainty is not necessarily bad. What’s troubling is the uncertainty that is associated with big ticket items and life events. And, sometimes even with not big things but things that are important to us…
Uncertainty in some contexts can be terrible, as we’ve been experiencing: Not knowing when the lockdown would be over Not knowing what the economy will do Not knowing who will win the election Not knowing when we’ll have a vaccine And, so on in our current public world…
Then you have things like: Not knowing the results of a biopsy Not knowing the prognosis of an illness Not knowing when a hiring freeze will lift Not knowing if bonuses will be given out Not knowing how to plan for the holidays Not knowing how to entertain our children And, so on in our private life…
And, then we have relationship concerns: Not knowing if our partner will leave Not knowing if our partner will agree to move in Not knowing if our partner will finally propose Not knowing if our partner will agree to plan the wedding Not knowing if our partner will agree to start planning a family And, so on in our relationship…
Because we don’t know what to expect, our brain keeps looking for information to ascertain the situation, assess for threats, and get instructions on next moves. It gets stuck in a repeating searching loop which can take on any flavor for each of us. It can take on the form of circular ruminating thinking, of compulsive evidence, fact or data searching, of questioning, interviewing, demanding answers, and the like… This is mentally, emotionally and physically exhausting!
When we don’t know what to expect, when we live in uncertainty, our existential instincts get triggered. At some level we are afraid for our very own survival… Well, then not for nothing people have been struggling. Not only are they having difficulties managing their mood and energy, how their days go, getting along with others, paying their bills, and such. They also have this unnamed, unidentified, underlying fear for their very own survival. This certainly takes a toll…
And, to top it off, if we have unprocessed past trauma, we are more susceptible and more likely to be easily triggered. This is when we are likely to experience more stress, frustration, irritability, anger, overwhelm, anxiety, sadness, grief, depression.
Our job to make sure we don’t suffer unnecessarily is to take charge of ourselves regardless of the situation we find ourselves in or the external circumstances going on… For example,
Election – We have no control on the results of the election and how the elected leaders will eventually carry out their duties. We do have control on how we choose to consume news, participate in social media, support our political party, show up in our community and with our fellow humans, how we embrace our purpose for income or revenue, how we safeguard our physical and mental health… Embracing a compassionate and unity mindset will take us a long way…
Holidays – We have no control on the course of the pandemic or how family members show up. We do have control over how we choose to celebrate, what traditions we’ll still uphold, how much money we’ll spend, how we’ll gather or not, how we’ll show up to interactions, the risks we are willing to take, how we’ll stick to our wellness plan, how we’ll approach year-end… Embracing an open-minded and flexible approach to celebrating the holidays, wrapping up the year and strategizing for 2021 will take us a long way…
Relationship – We have no control over our partner’s preferences, their timing, motivation, reasoning and the like. We do have control over how we share our preferences, how we respond to their preferences, how we collaborate to find mutually agreeable options, what choices we make for ourselves… Embracing personal development and a Relationship Enrichment Mindset, holding our partner as our ally in our mind, and maintaining a heart-centered and compassionate approach in our interactions will take us a long way…
It is up to us what we make of life experiences and how we choose to look at things. It is up to us to make choices that honor our Essence and who we truly are. It is up to us to make choices for the good of all. It is up to us to be preventative, preemptive, proactive and progressive in all we do to ensure our amazing Human Experience. It is up to us to create the relationship and life we want.
ASSIGNMENT: Identify an area that is troubling you the most such as the state of the world, your wellness, or your relationship.
Take stock of your thinking around this area – make a list of all your thoughts on what’s bothering you.
Note, the nature of the thoughts. Note, how they are mostly out of your control, and how they are negative… This focus is disempowering and generates negative feelings…. This is what is impacting your energy, your mood, your wellbeing and the state of your life…
Go back to you list and now capture the other side of things. Capture what is positive and working about the area you chose… And, focus on what you do have control, how you can look at it differently and how you can approach it differently…
Now, note how you are feeling… Note, how the feelings began to go in the positive direction…
Make this process a daily habit to work on reprogramming your negativity bias… And, for establishing a mental hygiene and wellness practice…
You’ll be feeling much better in no time!
It is your job to take charge of your mind, your feelings, your mood, your wellness. Stop blaming the government, the pandemic, the economy, your partner and such for how you feel. You can choose how you feel and create those feelings! Have at it!!
Copyright (c) 2020 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Couple Strategy™ that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly connection notes in your inbox with Personal Development and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com
It’s amazing how often I hear that people don’t have the time to do self-care… When their lives literally depend on it… I’m not sure if they look at self-care as a luxury – like having a spa day or laying on a chaise eating bonbons – that they shouldn’t have?
But really, in this day and age to not prioritize self-care when it at the very least increases resilience? I look at self-care as a duty and a responsibility to ensure our wellbeing, and our ability to show up with our Best Self and create the relationship and life we desire… It is our duty to Embrace the Art of Self-Care…
When we embrace self-care as part of our daily responsibilities, we experience a shift in how we prioritize, how we approach our day and how we are able to create the time for it…
A rich Self-Care Practice ensures we:
~Optimize our functioning and wellbeing – health, vitality, energy, mood, focus and bandwidth…
~Are grounded and Connected with our self, that we are solid in our core and operate with authenticity…
~Are in Alignment with our Purpose, that we are creative, progressive and productive.
When we invest on our Selves in this way – we are showing ourselves Love and Compassion. Nurturing. We have our own back… We are there for ourselves, we don’t abandon ourselves…
It is very interesting to witness that the partners that suffer or struggle the most, feel overwhelmed and unsupported, and complain that their partner are not there for them enough – are the partners who least focus on having their own back… They focus on what the other is doing or not doing for them, as opposed to what they are doing for themselves…
The focus on the other triggers them making the whole thing even more challenging, and self-care even more important for its self-regulatory properties…
When partners don’t approach their day with intentionality and some self-love (self-care) and rush into their day putting out fires and allowing themselves to be pulled in 100 different directions, they will get banged about and thrown off what they want to accomplish. This is one of the meanest ways for us to go about our day and to treat ourselves, second only to beating ourselves up with our own thinking…
We want to be kind and nice to ourselves, so that we can attend to becoming the best version of ourself and showing up with our Best Self, Authentic Self, more and more consistently. So, we can show up well to create our best relationship and best life – our Successful Relationship and Meaningful Life… So, we can have our Best Human Experience…
When we invest in ourselves with a rich self-care practice, we are more regulated, contained, grounded, patient, responsive, motivated, happy, compassionate, present, peaceful, resourceful, enthusiastic, appreciative, open, flexible, solid, secure, sensitive, sensible, joyful, forgiving, giving, generous, and so much more…
It behooves us to take care of ourselves to have a real good life…
I get that making time for self-care might feel frivolous when we have what seem like more important to-dos on our agenda… I can still fall into this misconception sometimes when I create very ambitious agendas… Believe me I get it. When one is a super-achiever, one can be one’s own worst enemy…
But I challenge you to give this a serious try for when you realize that you can actually be more productive in less time with more ease and joy, save your marriage and raise amazing children, then you get hooked!
You can start slow, you don’t have to flip the switch and start with radical and extreme self-care. There is a whole range, a spectrum in embracing the Art of Self-Care. Your Self-Care Practice is what you make of it and what you want it to be.
In mine:
-I have my basics that I totally miss and feel the impact should I skip them for some reason.
-Then I add another layer as I’m willing to create the time for it.
-And, then I can really step it up when I feel the need for more or just for kicks to take things to the next level…
I know that when one is struggling, it’s very challenging for them to even think about this and never mind take action toward implementing even the simplest activity.
The key to get over the hump is in proactively and preemptively expanding our mindset, to take responsibility for our wellbeing, and in tweaking our daily routine so the Self-Care Practice becomes automatic… This is the Art of Self-Care…
Your Self-Care Practice can include any activity that recharges, restores, rejuvenates and gives you Joy… Activities that reconnect you to your Higher Self are the best… These tend to give the most bang for the investment… They usually fall within a Mindfulness Practice…
The activities can be physical, mental, social, and spiritual and can take on any form. The key is to break from the usual noise and to intentionally do something for yourself. Some activities give you little value and positive impact, others are super rich… More is not necessarily better… It’s up to you create the flavor of your Practice and decide how much you want to invest in it and what benefits you are looking for.
A rich self-care practice improves vitality, youthfulness, longevity, happiness, connection, love, success… It’s up to you how you want to do your life- Do you want to struggle or flow with ease?
Embracing the Art of Self-Care ensures you do you, your relationship and your life effortlessly, gracefully, and joyfully…
ASSIGNMENT: Make a commitment to uplevel your Self-Care Practice, to Embrace the Art of Self-Care…
-Make a list of activities that interest you in the 4 categories: Physical, mental, social and spiritual. Be open to different things to create a rich repertoire.
-Take a look at your DailyRoutine and carve out some time to integrate an activity.
-Select something new or that you’ve been trying to add into your lifestyle from your list and add it to your carved-out time.
Copyright (c) 2020 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Couple Strategy™ that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly connection notes in your inbox with Personal Development and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com
Do you often feel you are alone and unsupported – that your partner is out to lunch, or they are prissy about getting their hands dirty…? Do you feel you have to take care of everything, or things don’t get done? Do you bicker over everything and the silliest things can spark a massive fight?
Do you find that you don’t address frustrations and disappointments for fear of fighting? Does it seem like forever since you really liked each other and enjoyed each other’s company? Do you feel lonely, taken for granted, overwhelmed, and unappreciated? The solution is in adopting a Relationship Enrichment Mindset and Lifestyle…
There are a few things at play when a couple is experiencing dissatisfaction and the inability to get back in good graces. When they are feeling stuck and hopeless. When no matter how hard they try, they just seem to dig themselves into a deeper and deeper hole. Where they find they can’t get their bearings, every interaction is a conflict and source of pain.
Where they become more and more polarized and dig-in their heals on their positions. Where they completely lost sight of the other and everything is aggravating, wrong, or off. Where they prefer not to spend time with each other or be in each other’s presence. Where they are questioning their commitment to their partner and the relationship.
What’s at play for these partners can succinctly be captured as them being in a Power Struggle. Where they are beyond the infatuation stage of their relationship and are now in a place where their not so pretty parts come out to play, where their defenses become their prominent way of showing up, where they become so concerned with getting their needs met that they lose sight of the bigger picture – of the relationship, their bond, their love…
They become so engrossed and nearsighted with getting their way and being right, that they just can’t see any other options, possibilities, alternatives, meaning, perspectives, intentions and the like. They get really stuck on their side and their story that creating change becomes virtually impossible.
Luckily, it’s not impossible! We have helped many couples shift from this stuckness, and create really amazing, successful relationships- respectful, compassionate, loving, nurturing, connected, supportive, and collaborative. Where they create joyful, fun, harmonious, peaceful, and flowing homes. Where they are proud of who they are as partners and as a couple. And, where they become an inspiration and a role model to their family and friends…
What’s the secret? The secret is not to look at your partner like they are the enemy and to prioritize your relationship. Ha! This is not rocket science. But even though this is simple it doesn’t mean it’s easy… We still manage to not be able to do this at times…
Your partner is usually not out to get you, to get on your nerves, to disappoint you, to abandon or not support you, to criticize and control you, to be a jerk. After things escalate, or after a long time of the dissatisfying status quo, partners might become purposefully spiteful and such. But that’s not usually where they start off…
Your partner wants to you like them, appreciate them, love them, notice what they do for you, and such. They even go out of their way to please you…
The problem becomes that we just choose to see things with our dirty lenses, and we miss all the good stuff…
We allow our scripts, programming, negativity bias, and such to color what we see… We only see the things that confirm our perspective. We fall prey to confirmation bias… We prove ourselves right. But, to what end? There is no right and wrong, both partners are right in their own experience… There are always two sides to a story…
What we need to understand is that there is a reason for things playing out as they do… In understanding what you each bring to the relationship and how that fits perfectly together…, you get to appreciate the differences your partner contributes…
Your partner doesn’t only complement you, they also have the inherent ability to trigger all your sensitivities like no other…
This is part of your unconscious attraction… I’m sure you’ve looked at couples before and you just don’t get it- they don’t seem to fit together, they don’t seem to make a good match… This is because the attraction is not about the conscious checklist or about appearances…
The attraction is at a deeper, unexplainable level. It just is. We might be able to say all the things we love about our partner and why we love them, but it doesn’t do it justice to why we are bonded… Part of this attraction has to do with their ability to trigger unfinished business so now you have a second go at it…
~Your partner’s oppositeness shows you the other side of things, it helps you expand yourself ~Your partner’s triggering capabilities give you the opportunity for healing…
In all, your Partner is a Gift to your own Evolution… They are actually your Ally…
And, while we are at it. It behooves us to look at our relationship as a Playground. Where we get to Play with our partner to learn about ourselves and life… Where we get to practice becoming our Best Self and the Best Partner. Where we get to play Life… Now, that’s a Relationship Enrichment Mindset…
Operating from this framework provides all kinds of possibilities for your relationship, including how you prioritize your partner and the relationship… Yes, we have very full and hectic lives. This doesn’t condone forgetting about our partner… If we are to have an amazing relationship, we have to make it so. If we ignore it there is no chance of that happening!
When we don this lens and embrace this approach, there is no way you cannot create the Best Relationship!
ASSIGNMENT: Take a few minutes to be with yourself and take stock of how you choose to see your partner…
-Make a list of your recent thoughts about them… Catch anything that feels like a broken record… This is not about your partner this is your stuff… Note the theme and make it a point to come back to address it.
-For now, take a step back. Get grounded, become open to being compassionate and loving (meditation)… Don on the new lens crafted with the Relationship Enrichment Mindset and give it another whirl. Take new stock of your partner… See how they complement you. See how they try to please you. See the effort they put in.
-Note how much more *clearly you can see them, how there is no angst, how you see the person you fell in love with, how you see their Essence – their gifts, not their faults… *You might be very entrenched and attached to your story of how your partner sucks. Keep at donning the new lens until you can see clearly…
Here is to creating the relationship you desire! You CAN do it!
Copyright (c) 2020 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Couple Strategy™ that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly connection notes in your inbox with Personal Development and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com
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Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT has been in the mental health profession in varying capacities for the past 20+ years. She is the Founder and Director of metrorelationship.com a psychotherapy and coaching practice specializing in working with busy professional and entrepreneurial couples who are struggling getting on the same page and feeling connected. The work helps couples create a radiant and successful relationship and meaningful life by becoming a strong partnership and increasing their connection, intimacy, and fun. Emma is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Relationship Strategy™.
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