Have you noticed that whatever you are dealing with, more of it shows up in your life? It can even start to feel like the universe is playing a joke on you. Have you had that experience? Of course, it’s awesome when this applies to good stuff in our lives. Not so much when the repeating item is frustrating, painful or generally negative.
This can show up in the form of themes in shows, songs and publications, or just things you notice. This can show up as issues with different people. This can show up as repeating patterns in your relationship. I’m sure you’ve noticed one of the underlying themes in my writing is about focusing on what we contribute to a situation and on the positive in others, in giving our partner the benefit of the doubt…
And, I’ve written about, and refer to this multiple times a day in my work with clients, that we have a tendency to focus on the negative and “How our partner sucks.” So, I was thrilled when two different resources showed up in my inbox this week about our brain’s tendency for “negativity bias”… But then I had to check-in with myself and ask if this was to be used as a professional resource, or was this applicable to Me as well…
It is part of the human condition to be egocentric, we filter everything as to how it applies to us… Part of the work is to do my own work… Staying open to the possibility that I might be ready for additional work in this area I embraced this as a personal challenge.
And, lo and behold, some things that had crept up as recent annoyances in my life all of a sudden no longer felt as such… A minor adjustment in focus and assigned meaning provided a huge relief to my overall emotional state. Wow!
What does this mean for you? It means, let’s go back to what I usually offer. Stop focusing on “How your partner sucks”, and focus instead on how you are showing up, how you are taking care of yourself, how you are resourced and present, on how you are contributing to the conflict, tension or dissatisfaction. Focus on what you can do different and how you choose to look at your partner, and others!
You have control and power to change your side, you don’t have control and power to change other’s. Don’t even try, it’s a waste of resources. This is where partners go wrong. They spin their wheels becoming more frustrated and hurt.
Stop focusing on what is not working, what you don’t like, how something could be different, why are things not better and the like. Stop your negativity bias! Focus instead on your and other’s strengths, what you do like, what touched your heart, how the other invested, on their intention and motivation (don’t assign negative motives either!).
Stop the negativity bias and feel load off your shoulders, trust me!
Share your takeaway, insights, and results by leaving a comment below! I’d love to hear how you are using this content.
Copyright (c) 2019 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
Life is gorgeously full and a consistent invitation to approach what’s important with intentionality, ease, presence, and mindfulness. For in how we carry ourselves impacts the experiences we create, and the Journey we live… It is up to us to make it a good one every day. How do you measure your daily success?
Recently, in sharing about his work Hubby made a comment that inadvertently hit home for my work with couples. He said, Effort is nice, Impact matters. Wow! How often do I hear of partners standing on their heads trying to address their relationship dissatisfaction.
And, how often do I redirect them into approaching their partner in the most targeted way that touches their heart and makes a difference. We want to put in a lot less Effort into our relationship, and a lot more meaningful interactions… This is at the crux of it…
It’s time to stop spinning your wheels, banging your head against the wall, and skirting around your issues. It’s time for a new strategy.
There are always two sides to every story. Each partner has their own experience in an interaction, and in the relationship period. And, they are BOTH valid! The problem is that partners relate intent on proving they are right, their way is the right way, or they’ve been wronged in some way…
This automatically makes their partner wrong… When we negate another’s experience, we automatically trigger Existential fears and prior trauma, relational and otherwise… And, as you probably very well know, nobody is any good once they are triggered…
Some partners live on a constant triggered state due to unresolved unfinished business, lack of relationship skills and poor personal regulation and management. They walk around with open wounds and unintentionally keep adding salt to injury.
Some partners are so used to living in this state that they don’t even realize they are not living optimally… Or, they do but are at a loss for what to do differently. They are paralyzed, stuck… Unfortunately, this has all kinds of health and success implications as well…
It is not easy in relationship to hold space for both partners’ experiences… Partners usually subscribe to the belief that they have to agree on things, most things… That they have to have things in common, most things… And, that if they don’t, they are doomed. They can’t fathom both being right, or being ok in the face of differences…
They themselves have to be “the last man standing”… It has to be their way or the highway… If the space is taken up by their partner’s experience, then they experience no room for themselves… This is an existential crisis. Hence the struggle to coexist…
In this struggle for existential survival partners go rogue in their attempt to get their needs met, usually at the expense of their connection. They go in impulsively, reactively, narrow mindedly, like a bull in a china shop. Resulting in boundary injuries and attachment rapture. The lack of connection remains pervasive and a trigger in and of itself… And, the cycle continues…
Being stubborn in our approach, timing, focus and the like to address our experience often times backfires, and nobody wins! This is the wrong approach. We cannot put ourselves first in this way. It doesn’t work. This is not how we take care of ourselves and get our needs met…
There are two ways to meet our needs:
We ask our partner to meet them
We meet them ourselves
Some needs are more appropriate that we meet ourselves, others are more relational in nature. We have to be mindful which we assign to each category and about our expectations. Sometimes, we have to figure out how to have our relational needs met by ourselves as well, while still honoring the relationship commitment. This depends on what is going on in our relationship, and our and our partner’s personal evolution…
When a partner has no capacity to meet the other’s relational needs, the nature of the relationship is delicate and requires special attention for it to work out well and become reciprocal again. There is an ongoing ebb and flow in our relationship. The key is to ride this well.
Couples suffer when they don’t have a proper handle on this. Their expectations are reasonable, but beyond their current relationship’s scope. Partners focus on forcing a square peg into a round hole, instead of expanding the hole… We can expand the hole by appropriately taking care of ourselves, making sure our expectations fall within our partner’s current capacity, and inspiring them into reciprocity…
We inspire them by doing our own work… We cannot attempt to get our needs met by our partner until we understand their side and are able to make appropriate requests… We can only do this after we self soothe/regulate and better manage ourselves… After we clean our lens, get out of our head and stop doing relationship math, as it never adds up! And, after we get in touch with our heart…
When we resource ourselves before engaging our partner, we can stay grounded and not be threatened by their experience, their existence… We can appropriately engage for a win-win. Resourced we show up better, approach better, respond better. Resourced we make a better impact and get better results… Resourced we get the partner we desire and create the relationship we desire.
Your Assignment this week:
Part 1 – Think of a need you’d like your partner to meet. Think of why your partner might not have been meeting this need, what might be holding them back? Really think about this, make a list of all the reasons from what you might know of their perspective. If you were them, can you see how this would be challenging for them? Kick this around until you get their side…
Part 2 – Think about how to approach addressing your need with your partner, being mindful to not trigger them or request something that might feel impossible for them to give at this time. Once you have a clean and mindful approach in mind, ask your partner for a chat to discuss this.
You’ll go in with all your understanding from Part 1 and owning your side fully. No owning their side, beating them up or being controlling allowed! Respectfully and vulnerably make a request that meets your need – be creative, open-minded and flexible…
Don’t Effort in your relationship. Shoot for positive Impact instead. Create your Successful Relationship. And, that’s what matters!
Stay tuned for a new Theme in the next issue.
Share your takeaway, insights, and results by leaving a comment below! I’d love to hear how you are using this content.
Copyright (c) 2019 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
It’s been a wonderful Season so far of clearing, replenishing, and resetting ourselves. As we move into the lovely holiday weekend with Passover and Easter, if you observe, we can expand on the meaning of the holiday beyond the religious message. I love to experience this time as a time for new beginnings… A time for rebirth, for freely pursuing our heart and our dreams, for beginning anew, for blooming, for thriving…
And, I love applying this lens to our Relationship… This is a time for recommitting to our partner and for starting a new chapter in our relationship, maybe even a new book! Regardless of the status of your relationship, here is another opportunity to reinvest in creating the relationship you desire.
You have a chance to create a new relationship with your partner. You have a chance to start new. I’m all for milking any and all opportunities in front of me. How about you?
So, what does this mean for our relationship? Of course, feel free to run with this concept as fits your life, relationship, current status, style, creativity, and such, but for my priming let’s entertain the idea (don’t overthink this!) of how different things could be if you had no choice but to succeed at your relationship…
How would you show up if all of a sudden:
Your relationship is brand spanking new and you’d inherit trillions of dollars if you create a successful relationship…
You only have a few days left to live and want to enjoy a successful relationship experience…
You lost your relationship memory but know you love and enjoy your partner and have a successful relationship…
You are in a gameshow where you win big bucks if you are selected as the best couple with the most successful relationship…
You are the poster couple for relationships being showcased to teach children about successful relationships…
You are the last couple post-apocalypse and have to role model a successful relationship for the future of humanity…
You are going on a very dangerous mission and want to leave a recorded year-in-the-life of Mom and Dad’s successful relationship for your children…
You are in a foreign world where the inhabitants are to be terminated unless they learn from you how to be an amazing couple, and create a successful relationship…
Your life is threatened, unless you engage your partner creating a successful relationship…
You swap identities with the partners of the most well-known/public, wealthy and successful relationship in the world…
What is the common denominator in the above?
To be the best you can be in your relationship, no matter what… It’s interesting what comes up when you entertain this (again, play along, don’t logic this!).
How would you be in your relationship, if you had no choice but to show up with your best self? It’s also interesting to see what happens when we do show up with our best self… This is what I teach our couples. It makes a huge difference once the partners focus on what they contribute and step up their own game…
Your Assignment this week: Right about now is the perfect time to commit anew to your Partner, the Relationship, and to creating a Successful Relationship. Dust-off your yearly goals and see what you had for Relationship Enrichment. Tweak those as necessary to capture the recommitment, starting new, the gorgeous meaning of the season, and properly kick off Q2!
Your relationship is what you make of it… Your relationship depends on the attention you give it… Your relationship depends on what you put in it… Your relationship depends on how you treat your Partner… Your relationship depends on how you show up… Commit to creating a New Relationship with your Partner… It CAN be done…
Be the partner you want to be… Be your best… Regardless of how your partner is being… You always have the option of no longer being in the relationship. But if you are in it, Be ALL in!
Stay tuned for the next issue on how to create your New Strategy.
Share your insights and impact by leaving a comment below! I’d love to learn what you are able to accomplish and create when you are resourced.
Happy Committing!
Copyright (c) 2020 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
… Newness generates inspiration, energy, motivation, momentum, new heights… How do you keep things Fresh in your life? How do you inspire and motivate yourself? How do you strive for new heights?
Building on our current Spring Renewal Theme, when we declutter, detox, spring clean and reenergize the outcome is a phenomenal spaciousness, surge, and drive… This generates a new perspective from which anything is possible…There is so much opportunity and beauty in this…
Spaciousness – When we don’t run around like a chicken without a head. When we don’t triple schedule ourselves. When we generously create transition, buffer, down/lazy, unscheduled/open, leisure time. When we allow for time to think, process, plan. We engage our creative juices, problem solving, healing, and other inherent human gifts.
Surge – When we refresh, replenish, and reset, we generate more and better energy. This allows us to connect with our desires and fuel our dreams, our vision, our Journey. This keeps us engaged, interested, curious. This keeps us joyfully in the game.
Drive – When we are properly resourced, we can effortlessly put in what it takes to make what we desire happen… Too often people are not properly resourced and quit midgame… Or, hey, they might not even get in the game. When we are resourced, the fuel allows us to leverage, to pick up momentum, to take off effortlessly.
Some of us operate from this state much more consistently than others, and boy, what a difference it makes. I’m sure you can pick out your colleagues, friends and families that operate from a resourced state vs not… These are the people in your life that are doing well, that seem to have it all together, that seem very lucky, that are effortlessly high producers, that seem to be creating and living the life they want, and more.
When we are resourced, we are able to have a better perspective and approach life differently… This is where the magic happens… Let’s apply this to our relationship:
When we are resourced, we can be the Partner we want to be… When we are resourced, we can show up better and interact with our partner more lovingly and meaningfully… When we are resourced, we can give more grace, be more openminded and more resilient (less easily triggered…). When we are resourced, we can appropriately meet our and our partner’s needs with ease.
Your Assignment this week: Play with the Spring Renewal Theme (see related links below) to resource yourself to the max, and keep playing with this for ongoing benefits… Keep tabs on how you feel, how you are able to show up differently, and how exchanges and outcomes turn out much better than usual…
Why go through your Journey on fumes, sputtering as you go, and potentially running out of gas?! What a terrible way to live. Start resourcing yourself better now and enjoy the ride!
Share your insights and impact by leaving a comment below! I’d love to learn what you are able to accomplish and create when you are resourced.
Copyright (c) 2019 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
Life is full of little wonderful surprises if we allow ourselves to see them and let them in… When was the last time you were delighted by the unexpected? Are you being flexible with your approach to life, work, schedule, perspectives? Are you letting your energy flow freely? Do you allow your life approach to energize you, sustain you, elevate you? This is how the magic happens…
Embracing the new season, we know that Spring is all about what I call:
The FiveRs – Recharging, Restoring, Renewing, Reinvigorating and Rejuvenating.
After the push of the new year, the grind and the stagnation of winter, it’s time to shake things up to refresh and reenergize ourselves and our world.
How do you keep yourself fresh and going? How do you generate your personal energy? How do you stay motivated and inspired? How do you stay productive, efficient, effective? How do you make a difference? I find these concepts so fascinating as some people rock and others totally struggle with these and their lives.
I’m forever researching, exploring and playing with these to continue to evolve myself and do my own humanness better, but also to bring more awesomeness to you. I integrate my learnings in different ways for easier consumption, assimilation and results. Hence the 5Rs’ flavor in this writing.
The 5Rs help us keep things moving in our desired direction with ease and gusto. They can be applied as we wish to whatever we wish, but here is to getting you started:
Recharge – Tweak your routine to refuel yourself. It is common for our routines to get stale or played out, or for us quit a good one soon into the new year. Spring is a wonderful time to reset ourselves with a touched-up routine that captures our current needs and the new season. This is a great time to start transitioning to warmer weather activities to reawaken us from the slumber or hibernation of winter.
Restore – Address a thorn in your back to restore flow. There are always things in our lives that are annoying, bug us, deplete us or obstruct our way. Our job is to be on an ongoing lookout to prevent allowing these things from embedding themselves and wreaking havoc, and to proactively remove any old ones in our midst. Find your current thorn and pull that sucker out!
Renew – Recommit to a good habit or investment. By definition a habit is something ingrained and not easy to get rid of. Unfortunately, we do get side tracked from good habits regardless. Renew your commitment to a good habit you desire in your life that you know supports your Journey.
Reinvigorate – Refocus on a priority. Gosh, life gets so hectic and we take on more than we should in our attempt to live the Successful life we want… Take this opportunity to refocus on your values and your priorities. Keep in mind your desire to feel Peace, Joy and Love… Put your focus on One Thing at a time to Thrive…
Rejuvenate – Think longevity, add a new health/wellness habit. This never gets old for me! I believe I shared with you that one of my life goals is to live to 120… This means I better live a VERY healthy life. LOL I’m working on it. My self-care and wellness routine and the habits within are so amazing.
I’m in love with all the different aspects, tools, products, etc. By no means do I do my extraordinary routine to perfection. But, doing the most and best I can with it makes a huge difference in and of itself. I implore you to take this tactic seriously. It’s literally “life saving”…
I find the human condition so very interesting, with our given uniqueness, set of circumstances and what we do with them… I’m sure every single person reading this resonated with something different, took something different and will apply whatever grabbed them differently…
Our experience being the writer/creator and the reader/consumer is so varied and rich. As we are with each other in shared mediums, we are cocreating our reality… As you take what serves you from this writing and apply it to enhance and enrich your life, you are adding to our collective experience. You doing you better actually serve me as well! Heh?
This is the beauty of our experience, reality and coexistence. We are all in it together. So, let’s make it a real good one! Let’s Energize our Journey…
Share your experience by leaving a comment below! I’d love to learn which R you’ll be playing with.
Copyright (c) 2019 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
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Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT has been in the mental health profession in varying capacities for the past 20+ years. She is the Founder and Director of metrorelationship.com a psychotherapy and coaching practice specializing in working with busy professional and entrepreneurial couples who are struggling getting on the same page and feeling connected. The work helps couples create a radiant and successful relationship and meaningful life by becoming a strong partnership and increasing their connection, intimacy, and fun. Emma is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Relationship Strategy™.
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