Couples that are experiencing a low in their relationship usually refer to it as having communication issues and not getting along. They bicker and fight, fights escalate and then there is shutdown, they don’t see eye-to-eye and can’t seem to get on the same page, they struggle to get their needs met, everything is a tit-for-tat or keeping score, and they just can’t enjoy each other. They feel disconnected and alone. Intimacy is but a faraway dream. Does this resonate for you? Are you wondering how to get back your connection and intimacy?
Note, that the bickering, fights, and impasses might take on any flavor, where it feels like these are the issues to contend with… They might be on chores, money, children, in-laws and the like, but when partners feel Connected they figure these things out… Whatever your impasse and issue, please be open to the idea that that is actually not the issue…
Because our mind, sense of self, dynamics and dreams are so elusive we have no better way to communicate about what is happening and address what’s needed head on, so we get entrenched on a topic or concern and make it about that… Whatever is not working in the relationship manifests as issues on the weeds of life… We lose sight of the awesomeness of our relationship and our partner… We lose perspective and get lost…
Our job is to transcend the minutia and weeds, the things and topics troubling us, and get a grip on the emotional and relational aspect of what is playing out. And, this my friends, is the Gift in whatever issue you are having… For when you figure out how to address this (from heart/love not head/ego) and shift the stuckness, you are able to get on the same page, change patterns and get your needs met, connect and enjoy intimacy, and easily collaborate…
Of course, you still need to ongoingly mind your mind, use great communication skills, attend to yours and your partner’s needs, nurture your relationship, and set up systems for working well together.
Note, it’s challenging to do anything good for the relationship if we are crooked on how we look at our partner and our relationship. It’s virtually impossible to have great communication, connection and collaboration if we are looking at our partner as the enemy… It’s impossible to change patterns and create what we won’t if we have a dirty operating system…
Also note, that whatever issue you are hang up on it becomes almost irrelevant once you shifted your mindset, got on the same page, and are attending to each other… At that point, only systems for working together are needed… But these are super challenging to put in place and honor when you are being funky… This is why most of my writing focuses on the mindset side of things and self-care to help you get unstuck and self-regulate – both help with reprogramming… You are welcome.
Once you shift from looking at your partner as the enemy, the rest is much easier including nurturing the relationship… Relationship nurturing is the antidote for breakdowns and the lubricant for manifesting and creating the relationship and life you want…
Assuming you have been working on your mindset and are no longer blaming your partner for the status of things, then we can do a little Connection work…
It helps to look at Connection as a verb, something that is actively pursued and nurtured. Most partners assume they’ll just feel connected, forever… And, that their connection is bulletproof… It can be, but it isn’t automatically…
Let’s start with the basics:
Individual Brilliance – To make sure you minimize angst and turmoil in your relationship and create a strong, loving and successful relationship, make sure you embrace a tolerance for differences, individuality, and separateness. This might sound counter intuitive as we are talking about connection and building intimacy. But believe it or not, this is what keeps things interesting and alive… You are bound to get into a rut when you obsess about similarities, agreement and togetherness…
Connection Habits – To make sure we invest in nurturing our relationship, the simplest and easiest way is to create Connection Habits™and integrate them into our daily routine… Connection Habits are tangible, concrete and repeatable actions of a TLC nature – loving, caring, affectionate, compassionate, giving, attuned, present, touching base, checking in, reaching out, and the like…
Dating Your Partner – To make sure you keep things sexy and alive you have to get out of the grind and go on dates. And, for these dates to be rewarding and effective, you have to leave your roles at home and only show up with You. With your male or female energy and the essence of you… It’s a whole different ball game when you don’t bring your to-dos, issues, expectations and dynamics with you… Be prepared to be pleasantly surprised…
Going back to the point of how you look at your partner and your relationship, these basics become challenging when you are going through a rough time in your relationship. You would most likely be threatened/triggered by differences, individuality and separateness… You are unlikely to feel like doing any TLC. And, you are unlikely to feel like planning and going on a date and enjoying the after party. (Wink!)
Therefore, if you are struggling with these, make sure you go back to your mindset and your perspective. That needs attention first if you are to be able to get on to the good stuff…
ASSIGNMENT: Identify if you are ready to work on Connection or if you still need to uplevel your Relationship Mindset™…
To increase your Connection, intimacy and fun select which of these you want to start with:
Individual Brilliance – Build-in time for yourselves into your routine to do what you like, then share about it with each other. Bring new energy to the interaction…
Connection Habits – Pick an action you can commit to doing every day to give your partner TLC – add it to your daily routine.
Dating Your Partner – Commit to at least Monthly Dates. Take turns planning them with the aim to please your partner…
Commit to nurturing the relationship and to having fun doing it!
Keep investing in your Relationship Enrichment, keep working the 5 Elements of the Successful Couple Strategy™. Today we played with Context/Mindset (E1) and Connection/Intimacy (E4). Woot!
Copyright (c) 2020 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include:
Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Couple Strategy™ that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly connection notes in your inbox with Personal Development and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com
Unfortunately, the feeling of being stuck and feeling hopeless in one’s relationship is not uncommon. Many partner’s feel they are not compatible, they don’t enjoy each other’s company, and can’t see a future together… A sad state of affairs.
Partners get to this point because they get entrenched in their own perspective losing sight of the other and the relationship, and the gorgeous potential… Once this is recaptured, they get along, get on the same page and get things done… They move forward creating their successful and radiant relationship!
Are you feeling stuck? You don’t have to be!
Here are 3 Tactics to help you start moving forward:
Learn to get along
Getting along doesn’t mean agreeing on everything or denying and swallowing your preference and desires. Getting along means understanding what you each want, why and finding a way of honoring both sides…
Couples usually get this all wrong. Partners dig in their heals on their side and look at their partner as the enemy for not giving up their own preference for them. They become extremely egocentric. Everything that is going on is filtered through the lens of did they got what they wanted. And if they didn’t, they compute a notch against their partner. Yuck!
This is definitely not a relationship enrichment approach, nor an emotionally safe approach of being in relationship. This cuts at the bond between the partners, disrupts their attachment. This breaches boundaries and undermines the other. This erodes self-esteem and confidence. This creates doubt and stuckness in the relationship.
We can be very good at making a federal case against our partner. We can be very good at connecting all the dots to prove ourselves right, for making the case of how we’ve been wronged in some way. We can be very good at presenting the logic behind how our partner let us down, again.
But, when we approach our relationship this way, we are just cheating ourselves out of the synergy and the gift inherent in our relationship… Gone are the days of finding a partner for contractual reasons. Now we choose each other and there is meaning in our choice. We forget to honor and benefit from that…
Getting along has to do with understanding each other, getting our partner and validating what’s true for them (showing them we get them), having their back, having their best interest at heart, approaching them from our heart and not our head (ego). It has to do with honoring that we are different people and working at figuring out how to make our differences work for us instead of against us…
So, for starters – stop looking at yourself as the victim in your relationship. Stop looking at your partner as the villain, the enemy, the bad guy. Stop looking at the relationship as dissatisfying and hopeless.
Instead take a step back and see the gift that is your partner and relationship. See how your partner does contribute, has your back, is committed… See the intentions, attempts, and willingness. However small these might be at this juncture… Remember, your partner is hanging in there as well…
Look at your partner with your heart and with compassion, not with your head and with criticism… See them, see their essence. Look beyond the noise, defenses, and imperfections… Once you shifted, then approach them…
Get on the same page
Being on the same page does not mean agreeing on a topic or situation, looking at an issue the same way, loving your partner’s perspective or approach and the like.
It does mean understanding where you are each coming from, what is significant about their experiences and why, how that fits with who the individuals are and what is going on for them, what’s the purpose and motive behind their actions, what are just defenses and not ill intentioned behaviors, what are attempts at pleasing and connection but just with poor delivery…
Getting a clear understanding of what is happening by giving the partner the benefit of the doubt, some grace, and compassion helps break impasses… Partners get stuck because they refuse to see the other side. They get stuck by trying to be right by making the other wrong… They get stuck because their perspective becomes very cloudy with their own position, circumstance and wishes.
Getting on the same page means finding a common ground, happy medium, or way of agreeing to move forward… It’s ok for your partner to get their way on what is really important to them. It’s ok for you to get your way on what is really important to you. When there is a mutual topic that is really important to both, know that there are usually degrees of how important something is to someone and hardly ever do people feel exactly the same way… Therefore, the discrepancy can be used to break impasses…
Now, don’t be stubborn and find this to be the thing you both agree on 100%! If you find that you are doing this, you are still very much entrenched in your own side… Then, this a YOU problem, not a partner problem… Remember the 80/20 rule. That any situation that is troubling you, is 80% about you, and 20% about what your partner is doing or now doing… Giving your 80% attention should keep you busy enough to have any desire to focus on your partner’s 20…
Getting on the same page is YOUR inside job. It’s is not your partner’s job. Now, if your partner were reading this, the same applies to them… So you see, you both work on your own in-sides…
Please bear in mind that you each have your own style, pace and ability for working on your side. If you are focusing on how much your partner is doing or not doing, how they are doing it, and how fast – again, you are focusing on the wrong side…
Focus on you and you’ll see how fast things actually change! For when we show up differently, we invite (co-create) different stuff…
So for starters – invite your partner into a conversation where the focus in on how you get their side… How you get them, get their point of view, perspective or experience, understand what is happening for them and what they desire and why, etc.
Seriously, keep this ONLY about them… Once your partner feels gotten, they un-dig their heals… Stop the conversation while you are ahead, don’t turn it back to you or try to address any issues at this time. Select another time to come back to the rest… In the meantime, watch the different energy and dynamics that come from your investment…
Get things done
You’ll notice that once you start shifting and showing up differently, agreeing on courses of action and staying synchronized becomes much easier!
A mistake that partners make is trying to control what their partner does, how they do it and when they do it – micromanaging so it gets done on their timetable. Who wants to live like this? Not for nothing the partner is shutting down, not showing up, disappearing or doing a crappy job…
When we control and micromanage, we ensure that the other doesn’t show up with their genius and internal resources. We end up creating a self-fulling prophecy that the other is not there, we are alone and unsupported, and we have to take care of everything… Right? We are just validating our scripts and repeating our patterns…
Now, you might be saying – Yeah, but when I put my partner in charge of such and such, or remove myself from something, or let this go or that go, they are still dropping the ball…
To that I say that the “delegation”, collaboration, wasn’t set up properly… You dumped the task on your partner without buy-in, guidelines, and the like. You gave up a task and your partner has no idea that it’s theirs now. You claim something is no longer a task, but still want the results of having a related task completed. And, a host of other funny business that sets you up to not be properly and genuinely supported…
If you are not getting what you want, what do you need to do differently to get it…? We have no control over what other people do, including our partner. But we do have control over what we do, how we show up and how we set things up…
So for starters – review the things you are not getting enough support on, that are getting on your nerves, that your partner keeps f*g up, and the like… Make a list of all the annoyances, of all the supposed dropped balls…
Now, take a look at how those balls were put into circulation… Hey, you might think you both have done an amazing job at setting up who owns this ball. And, yet it is still dropped. To that I say that it wasn’t really set up amazingly… Dig into why the ball is dropped. The best of intentions could have been in place to pick up this ball, but maybe the picking up wasn’t set up realistically…
You can go two ways here, find the theme of what is happening or identify the ball that is aggravating you the most. Then address this with your partner.
Now, don’t go in with guns blazing… Go into the conversation shifted, getting their side, and addressing it from what’s happening for you around this ball. Don’t go into the conversation by noting how your partner sucks and how they failed you, again…
ASSIGNMENT: Take note which of these three areas is most wobbly for you:
Get along – mindset
Get on the same page – communication
Get things done – collaboration
Then, give that area all your attention. Don’t dabble, be serious about making a change!
When you embrace taking ownership of how you do you in your relationship, you’ll be amazed at how quickly and beautifully you start seeing the changes you want.
Tackling the tactics above helps you make some head way in the implementing 3 of 5 key Elements in the Successful Couple Strategy™: Context/Mindset (1), Communication/Alignment (2), and Collaboration/Partnership (5). Woot!
Start creating changes within you so you can see changes in your relationship!
Copyright (c) 2020 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Couple Strategy™ that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly connection notes in your inbox with Personal Development and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com
It’s amazing how often I hear that people don’t have the time to do self-care… When their lives literally depend on it… I’m not sure if they look at self-care as a luxury – like having a spa day or laying on a chaise eating bonbons – that they shouldn’t have?
But really, in this day and age to not prioritize self-care when it at the very least increases resilience? I look at self-care as a duty and a responsibility to ensure our wellbeing, and our ability to show up with our Best Self and create the relationship and life we desire… It is our duty to Embrace the Art of Self-Care…
When we embrace self-care as part of our daily responsibilities, we experience a shift in how we prioritize, how we approach our day and how we are able to create the time for it…
A rich Self-Care Practice ensures we:
~Optimize our functioning and wellbeing – health, vitality, energy, mood, focus and bandwidth…
~Are grounded and Connected with our self, that we are solid in our core and operate with authenticity…
~Are in Alignment with our Purpose, that we are creative, progressive and productive.
When we invest on our Selves in this way – we are showing ourselves Love and Compassion. Nurturing. We have our own back… We are there for ourselves, we don’t abandon ourselves…
It is very interesting to witness that the partners that suffer or struggle the most, feel overwhelmed and unsupported, and complain that their partner are not there for them enough – are the partners who least focus on having their own back… They focus on what the other is doing or not doing for them, as opposed to what they are doing for themselves…
The focus on the other triggers them making the whole thing even more challenging, and self-care even more important for its self-regulatory properties…
When partners don’t approach their day with intentionality and some self-love (self-care) and rush into their day putting out fires and allowing themselves to be pulled in 100 different directions, they will get banged about and thrown off what they want to accomplish. This is one of the meanest ways for us to go about our day and to treat ourselves, second only to beating ourselves up with our own thinking…
We want to be kind and nice to ourselves, so that we can attend to becoming the best version of ourself and showing up with our Best Self, Authentic Self, more and more consistently. So, we can show up well to create our best relationship and best life – our Successful Relationship and Meaningful Life… So, we can have our Best Human Experience…
When we invest in ourselves with a rich self-care practice, we are more regulated, contained, grounded, patient, responsive, motivated, happy, compassionate, present, peaceful, resourceful, enthusiastic, appreciative, open, flexible, solid, secure, sensitive, sensible, joyful, forgiving, giving, generous, and so much more…
It behooves us to take care of ourselves to have a real good life…
I get that making time for self-care might feel frivolous when we have what seem like more important to-dos on our agenda… I can still fall into this misconception sometimes when I create very ambitious agendas… Believe me I get it. When one is a super-achiever, one can be one’s own worst enemy…
But I challenge you to give this a serious try for when you realize that you can actually be more productive in less time with more ease and joy, save your marriage and raise amazing children, then you get hooked!
You can start slow, you don’t have to flip the switch and start with radical and extreme self-care. There is a whole range, a spectrum in embracing the Art of Self-Care. Your Self-Care Practice is what you make of it and what you want it to be.
In mine:
-I have my basics that I totally miss and feel the impact should I skip them for some reason.
-Then I add another layer as I’m willing to create the time for it.
-And, then I can really step it up when I feel the need for more or just for kicks to take things to the next level…
I know that when one is struggling, it’s very challenging for them to even think about this and never mind take action toward implementing even the simplest activity.
The key to get over the hump is in proactively and preemptively expanding our mindset, to take responsibility for our wellbeing, and in tweaking our daily routine so the Self-Care Practice becomes automatic… This is the Art of Self-Care…
Your Self-Care Practice can include any activity that recharges, restores, rejuvenates and gives you Joy… Activities that reconnect you to your Higher Self are the best… These tend to give the most bang for the investment… They usually fall within a Mindfulness Practice…
The activities can be physical, mental, social, and spiritual and can take on any form. The key is to break from the usual noise and to intentionally do something for yourself. Some activities give you little value and positive impact, others are super rich… More is not necessarily better… It’s up to you create the flavor of your Practice and decide how much you want to invest in it and what benefits you are looking for.
A rich self-care practice improves vitality, youthfulness, longevity, happiness, connection, love, success… It’s up to you how you want to do your life- Do you want to struggle or flow with ease?
Embracing the Art of Self-Care ensures you do you, your relationship and your life effortlessly, gracefully, and joyfully…
ASSIGNMENT: Make a commitment to uplevel your Self-Care Practice, to Embrace the Art of Self-Care…
-Make a list of activities that interest you in the 4 categories: Physical, mental, social and spiritual. Be open to different things to create a rich repertoire.
-Take a look at your DailyRoutine and carve out some time to integrate an activity.
-Select something new or that you’ve been trying to add into your lifestyle from your list and add it to your carved-out time.
Copyright (c) 2020 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Couple Strategy™ that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly connection notes in your inbox with Personal Development and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com
Do you often feel you are alone and unsupported – that your partner is out to lunch, or they are prissy about getting their hands dirty…? Do you feel you have to take care of everything, or things don’t get done? Do you bicker over everything and the silliest things can spark a massive fight?
Do you find that you don’t address frustrations and disappointments for fear of fighting? Does it seem like forever since you really liked each other and enjoyed each other’s company? Do you feel lonely, taken for granted, overwhelmed, and unappreciated? The solution is in adopting a Relationship Enrichment Mindset and Lifestyle…
There are a few things at play when a couple is experiencing dissatisfaction and the inability to get back in good graces. When they are feeling stuck and hopeless. When no matter how hard they try, they just seem to dig themselves into a deeper and deeper hole. Where they find they can’t get their bearings, every interaction is a conflict and source of pain.
Where they become more and more polarized and dig-in their heals on their positions. Where they completely lost sight of the other and everything is aggravating, wrong, or off. Where they prefer not to spend time with each other or be in each other’s presence. Where they are questioning their commitment to their partner and the relationship.
What’s at play for these partners can succinctly be captured as them being in a Power Struggle. Where they are beyond the infatuation stage of their relationship and are now in a place where their not so pretty parts come out to play, where their defenses become their prominent way of showing up, where they become so concerned with getting their needs met that they lose sight of the bigger picture – of the relationship, their bond, their love…
They become so engrossed and nearsighted with getting their way and being right, that they just can’t see any other options, possibilities, alternatives, meaning, perspectives, intentions and the like. They get really stuck on their side and their story that creating change becomes virtually impossible.
Luckily, it’s not impossible! We have helped many couples shift from this stuckness, and create really amazing, successful relationships- respectful, compassionate, loving, nurturing, connected, supportive, and collaborative. Where they create joyful, fun, harmonious, peaceful, and flowing homes. Where they are proud of who they are as partners and as a couple. And, where they become an inspiration and a role model to their family and friends…
What’s the secret? The secret is not to look at your partner like they are the enemy and to prioritize your relationship. Ha! This is not rocket science. But even though this is simple it doesn’t mean it’s easy… We still manage to not be able to do this at times…
Your partner is usually not out to get you, to get on your nerves, to disappoint you, to abandon or not support you, to criticize and control you, to be a jerk. After things escalate, or after a long time of the dissatisfying status quo, partners might become purposefully spiteful and such. But that’s not usually where they start off…
Your partner wants to you like them, appreciate them, love them, notice what they do for you, and such. They even go out of their way to please you…
The problem becomes that we just choose to see things with our dirty lenses, and we miss all the good stuff…
We allow our scripts, programming, negativity bias, and such to color what we see… We only see the things that confirm our perspective. We fall prey to confirmation bias… We prove ourselves right. But, to what end? There is no right and wrong, both partners are right in their own experience… There are always two sides to a story…
What we need to understand is that there is a reason for things playing out as they do… In understanding what you each bring to the relationship and how that fits perfectly together…, you get to appreciate the differences your partner contributes…
Your partner doesn’t only complement you, they also have the inherent ability to trigger all your sensitivities like no other…
This is part of your unconscious attraction… I’m sure you’ve looked at couples before and you just don’t get it- they don’t seem to fit together, they don’t seem to make a good match… This is because the attraction is not about the conscious checklist or about appearances…
The attraction is at a deeper, unexplainable level. It just is. We might be able to say all the things we love about our partner and why we love them, but it doesn’t do it justice to why we are bonded… Part of this attraction has to do with their ability to trigger unfinished business so now you have a second go at it…
~Your partner’s oppositeness shows you the other side of things, it helps you expand yourself ~Your partner’s triggering capabilities give you the opportunity for healing…
In all, your Partner is a Gift to your own Evolution… They are actually your Ally…
And, while we are at it. It behooves us to look at our relationship as a Playground. Where we get to Play with our partner to learn about ourselves and life… Where we get to practice becoming our Best Self and the Best Partner. Where we get to play Life… Now, that’s a Relationship Enrichment Mindset…
Operating from this framework provides all kinds of possibilities for your relationship, including how you prioritize your partner and the relationship… Yes, we have very full and hectic lives. This doesn’t condone forgetting about our partner… If we are to have an amazing relationship, we have to make it so. If we ignore it there is no chance of that happening!
When we don this lens and embrace this approach, there is no way you cannot create the Best Relationship!
ASSIGNMENT: Take a few minutes to be with yourself and take stock of how you choose to see your partner…
-Make a list of your recent thoughts about them… Catch anything that feels like a broken record… This is not about your partner this is your stuff… Note the theme and make it a point to come back to address it.
-For now, take a step back. Get grounded, become open to being compassionate and loving (meditation)… Don on the new lens crafted with the Relationship Enrichment Mindset and give it another whirl. Take new stock of your partner… See how they complement you. See how they try to please you. See the effort they put in.
-Note how much more *clearly you can see them, how there is no angst, how you see the person you fell in love with, how you see their Essence – their gifts, not their faults… *You might be very entrenched and attached to your story of how your partner sucks. Keep at donning the new lens until you can see clearly…
Here is to creating the relationship you desire! You CAN do it!
Copyright (c) 2020 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Couple Strategy™ that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly connection notes in your inbox with Personal Development and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com
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Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT has been in the mental health profession in varying capacities for the past 20+ years. She is the Founder and Director of metrorelationship.com a psychotherapy and coaching practice specializing in working with busy professional and entrepreneurial couples who are struggling getting on the same page and feeling connected. The work helps couples create a radiant and successful relationship and meaningful life by becoming a strong partnership and increasing their connection, intimacy, and fun. Emma is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Relationship Strategy™.
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