Last issue covered Boundaries… A hugely important concept that we address in Element1-Context & Mindset, in our Successful Couple Strategy™… Boundary bridges show up everywhere in our life if we are attentive in making sure we lovingly hold our ground and take care of ourselves…
Sometimes this is challenging to do when there aren’t clear preferences, expectations, definitions, understanding within and for ourselves, and with others… This is an issue for partners when they don’t explore and share how they want their joint life to be. When they don’t set clear roles, rules, responsibilities and the like. They might not have clear routines, habits, chores, workflow, budget, accounts, access, tools and resources, etc.
Also, partners might struggle getting on the same page due to different gender characteristics, personality, history, skills, culture and a host of other variables inherent in a romantic relationship. These impact communication style and tendencies which in turn impact how well the relationship operates and meets the partners’ needs…
Partners usually have different, and very commonly opposite communication styles. In a very crude nutshell, usually one prefers to talk and the other one doesn’t… The opposite styles can trigger the partners when their preferences are pursued against the other’s wishes…
If one wants to talk and the other doesn’t, the first partner might feel neglected, abandoned, rejected, unappreciated and the like. And, the second partner might feel suffocated, micromanaged, criticized, controlled and the like.
This can escalate into fights where the first becomes more aggressive and the second shuts down more and more, even leaves…
There are 4 characteristics to these styles that make them deadly for relationships (Why Marriages Succeed or Fail):
Criticism
Defensiveness
Stonewalling
Contempt
Where Contempt is a strong predictor of future breakup/divorce! This is because it doesn’t just pick at the other and stops the flow of communication and connection like the others do. It degrades and feels so degrading that the damage is practically irrevocable…
It is paramount that we mind how we show up to interactions with our partner and don’t take for granted how we express ourselves… Become a strong monitor of your communication habits and proactively and swiftly address these today. Your relationship’s success literally depends on it!
Assignment: Become a detective and be on the lookout for any signs of Contempt in how you communicate and relate with your partner.
Clean up any of these habits immediately
Address any messages (impact) you might have inadvertently bestowed upon your partner…
Address the underlying need not being met that is driving this characteristic…
This Assignment is not for the faint of heart, and a lot is riding on this one. Be persistent in eradicating Contempt, and yet gentle with yourself so you can properly stay the course… Make this one really count!
Complete the Assignment, and share your takeaway, insights, and results with a note in the Comments box at the end! I’d love to hear how you are using this content.
Copyright (c) 2019 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
Piggybacking on last week’s issue about letting go, deconstructing, and continuing to streamline. No such venture is done well without setting proper effective boundaries…
It’s funny, whenever I cover this topic with clients or in discussion with people, they all seem to believe that setting boundaries means being a jerk. They think they have to be strict and tough, and make a statement to others about what’s tolerable and such…
But the effective way to set boundaries is to apply them to ourselves… Setting effective boundaries has to go with what we are willing or not willing to tolerate. It has to do with how we carry ourselves. What we are willing to take on. How we are willing to use our time. What we allow to come into our space and our sphere of influence. How we allow others to treat us. How we treat ourselves. How we meet our needs.
Boundaries apply to all areas of our life – they even apply to how we do food and other shopping, how we eat and what we put in our bodies, how we establish our sleep routine, how we do décor and accessories in our home, how we use our electronics, how we show up in our online and other social activities.
How we stay connected with our friends and family, how affectionate we are, how generous, how forthcoming, how transparent and accountable, how we make and use our money, and so on.
Boundaries encapsulate the essence of us and everything that has to do with us and how we do our Life…
We need Boundaries to:
Define us – What is me and not me, shows where I end and another begins provides proper sense of ownership [fenced in yard]
Protect us – Keep nurturing in, harm out [have barb and gate on the fence]
Empower us – Clarifies what to own, gives freedom [can do with yard as wish]
Organize us – Responsible to others and for ourselves, carry our own load and can help others with theirs but it is still theirs [responsibilities with yard]
Promote us – Taking responsibility opens up options! [can show off yard and entertain]
Preserve us (purpose and mission) – Holds us true to our values [can create lifestyle we want]
Affirm us – We get to authentically show up and shine [win best yard of the neighborhood award]
How are your boundaries? Is there chaos, overwhelm, drama, frustration, anxiety, and anger in your life? Is there stuckness, lack of progress, dissatisfaction, feeling lost or always behind the 8 ball, depression and sadness? Do you feel you are too nice and do too much? Do you feel alone, unsupported or a lack of belonging? Do you feel incompetent, unaccomplished or unimportant?
Learning to set effective boundaries and own yourself better makes a huge difference… When you learn these skills your life becomes a whole new experience… All of a sudden you are moving forward with ease, being more productive, getting better results, enjoying your life and all that’s in it a lot more, and enjoying your every moment.
Assignment: How about making setting more effective boundaries a priority in your life? Where will you start? Learn how to set effective boundaries and start setting them. Here is ALL you need to know!
Notice what comes up for you and around you as you embark on this life changing journey, and address it… Take charge of your life today!
Complete the Assignment, and share your takeaway, insights, and results with a note in the Comments box at the end! I’d love to hear how you are using this content.
Happy Boundary Setting!
Copyright (c) 2020 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
Are you enjoying more freedom and peace of mind this Summer? That is what Summer is all about… Freedom from the usual and the opportunity to Be… When was the last time you had a large chunk of time to do nothing? To just chill? To get in touch with your lightheartedness and ease? To play and frolic…
I’m afraid I usually hear from people how packed their summers end up being with all the extra programs, traveling and projects… Please do remember to build in down time for its own sake… In Spaciousness we Are… In Spaciousness we get energized, inspired, and enlightened…
Every so often I go through a deconstruction phase to rebuild differently and better… As you know, I consistently encourage releasing the extra and living a minimalist lifestyle… This doesn’t mean mediocre, settling, empty and such.
This means committing and pursuing the few to a grander standard… This means being selective about what you allow in your life and what benefits from your attention. This means that what you choose to invest in you do with real Gusto…
I’m going through another such phase… I love it when I’m here. Where intentionally and mindfully I release in a larger scale. This place is so empowering and energizing. Where with the release comes extra time, energy, bandwidth, focus, and the possibility for greater personal evolution… This is the opportunity to take the Journey to the next level…
Sometimes it’s a bumpy road to disengage from how things are. It might have the feel of burn out. It might feel reactive. It might be messy. It all depends on the context that’s being let go and the reason. Regardless, it is a necessary part of life to be able to go from caterpillar to butterfly. To shed our current skin to allow for growth…
Nobody ever said that change is easy. Nobody ever said that fully owning ourselves and what is best for our own evolution is easy. Nobody ever said that owning our magnificence and our place in the world is easy. Nobody ever said that living to our fullest potential is easy. It is darn scary!
We find all kinds of ways to get sidetracked, lose focus, distract ourselves and hold ourselves back unless we are super intentional about our approach to our own life… It is a scary proposition to fully own ourselves and live to our fullest potential. To do what we are meant to do. To play a bigger game… To live life above fear… It is our duty to make the most of our life…
If we work together privately, we’ve also been expanding your comfort zone and Transcending your limiting beliefs… We are working on engaging and operating from your intentional, empowered, connected Higher Self (compassion), not your reactive, chaotic/controlling, separate lower/small self (ego)… We’ve been working on fully living our spiritual human experience…
I invite you to consider how else you can simplify your life… You don’t need to do a major overhaul and full deconstruction, but you can steadily strive to create more Spaciousness… You’ll be amazed at what comes of that… You can explore the essentialist, minimalist, and such concepts to assist you…
You don’t have to do it in any particular prescribed way or follow anyone’s particular approach or formula. Just listen to your heart and start living your more meaningful and impactful life… Own your Self.
Assignment: Select a commitment, habit, routine, activity, plan, project, etc. that you can exit gracefully… Don’t dump or ghost. This creates chaos… This energy doesn’t serve anyone… Release with integrity, intentionality and mindfulness. Be true to your Higher Self. Transition out even when ruthlessly exiting things in your life. Feel good about your process and your journey.
Let this Summer be the start of a new beginning… Have your best Summer yet!!
Complete the Assignment, and share your takeaway, insights, and results with a note in the Comments box at the end! I’d love to hear how you are using this content.
Copyright (c) 2019 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
Oh boy, it’s that time of year when transitions are most prevalent. How do you manage transitions? How do you gear up for new phases, stages, developments, plans, routines, opportunities, seasons, and such? These show up in all areas of our life.
Some of us do better than others at managing transitions well. Leaving something we know, or love, for something new is not always easy. Peeps who experience ADD have specially challenging times with this – switching gears is not easy.
Here are two ways to go about any transition with smashing results and wonderful feelings:Coordinate the Color of Your Underwear – I know some peeps are not fans of picking-up, putting away, decluttering, sorting, organizing, and the big P word – Planning… There are certain personality types that love this kind of thing, others not so much. Planning cannot be overly emphasized when it comes to transitions.
Knowing why, what, how, when, and next moves crates safety, security, ease, control and empowerment. When we know what to expect, our anxiety level goes down and we are able to have a better experience. This is also a sure way to minimize drama, surprises, things going wrong, not being prepared or not having what is needed, and so on. So, go ahead and plan to your heart’s content. Go nuts. You’ll be happy you did later.
Hint – Why not go In with a bang by being super duper organized and prepared? Have a birth plan and nursery set up before your third trimester. Have everything packed, movers and organizers, utilities, and deliveries set up before move-in day. Have back to school clothes, supplies, routines, and activities set up before the end of the summer. Have the first quarter products and launches developed and scheduled before the end of the year. Get my drift?
Get Out the Sparklers – Sometimes we have a hard time transitioning because we can’t let go. We enjoy the current status, situation, location, activity, moment, season, and anything else too much that the thought of no longer having it is unbearable. We can’t think of the next thing because we don’t want to let go of the current thing. Because we worry about it ending, we don’t get to enjoy it… We are neither here nor there. What a waste.
The best antidote for this is to go out with a bang! What would make enduring the end worthwhile? What would make a memorable closure? How can you REALLY enjoy the last of it? What ritual can you put in place to let go and say goodbye? How can you celebrate or acknowledge the change? Having a rocking last experience assists the wrapping up process.
It helps cut the cord. It helps to let go. So, go ahead and set up a feast of an experience to start moving on. Go nuts. You’ll be happy you did later
Hint – Why not go Out with a bang by absolutely devouring, enjoying, living and celebrating every last morsel of your present? Make the last day at the job a pranks day. Move on to your promoted position by taking out your current team for decadent gourmet desserts.
Celebrate completing a training program or higher education with a themed dinner party with classmates. Throw a block bash before moving to your new home. Have a rocking New Year’s Eve masquerade party. Give your family a philanthropic, adventurous, luxurious, creative, you name it unique experience to wrap up their summer. Get my drift?
Whether you choose to mastermind what’s coming, orchestrate a closure bash, or both, you will be ahead of the game in managing any transition you are currently facing. This level of intentionality is the meat and potatoes of creating a meaningful life. This allows for living and enjoying. No efforting. No noise. No drama. No nonsense.
When we invest in actualizing and celebrating through transitions, we manifest what we desire with ease, calm, peace, tranquility, security, satisfaction, gratification, strength, joy, and bliss. This is how things should be. This is what it means to live Authentically, to actually Live our life. This is the point…
Don’t miss out on the point… Have your full human experience by noticing, proactively creating, and living your life… At every turn you have a chance to create the life experiences your desire. At every turn you have the opportunity to enjoy the experiences you create. Enjoy them all… Live Authentically…
Complete the MetroRelationship™ Assignment below to help you effortlessly implement this, make changes and immediately start experiencing your awesome relationship, and Authentic Life…
Happy Transitioning!
~ Your MetroRelationship™Assignment
Identify a transition you are currently facing that you would like to crush. Invite your partner to be your crushing partner! Decide if you’ll mastermind what’s coming, orchestrate a closure bash, or both. Get really organized, thorough, resourceful, creative, and innovative. Really go for it. Invest in actualizing and celebrating in a big way. Pull out all the plugs. Enjoy the partnering process and the smashing outcome… Add this to your Tool Kit…
Copyright (c) 2016 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
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Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT has been in the mental health profession in varying capacities for the past 20+ years. She is the Founder and Director of metrorelationship.com a psychotherapy and coaching practice specializing in working with busy professional and entrepreneurial couples who are struggling getting on the same page and feeling connected. The work helps couples create a radiant and successful relationship and meaningful life by becoming a strong partnership and increasing their connection, intimacy, and fun. Emma is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Relationship Strategy™.
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