It’s been in the air, that partners, especially women, are really feeling disconnected and unsettled in their relationship. They are getting more and more in touch with feeling like something is missing, that there could be more, that just sitting side by side binge watching Netflix while their partner is also on another device, is just not enough to feel emotionally and relationally satisfied with their partner… This is a wonderful awareness because it can be addressed… As opposed to feeling irritated and aggravated a lot of the time in the presence of their partner. No matter what their partner does, they find fault with it or it doesn’t satisfy… Even their partner’s breathing irks them- literally! Does your partner snore?
Couples don’t need to be fighting or thinking divorce for them to realize that their relationship can use some enrichment… That their relationship can use an upgrade, an upleveling… But of course, they can also be struggling.
Couples get into trouble when they approach their relationship from fear, from ego, from arrogance… Usually one of the partners feels like they do everything for the relationship and their life, and like their partner is the problem- they can’t even breathe properly! And, that they could be doing more…
This is exactly the mindset that creates funky dynamics and that keeps couples feeling stuck or from creating a radiant relationship… When one of the partners is feeling so disconnected, neglected, taken from granted, and the like, they go into control, micromanaging, demanding, critical, and even nasty mode… This makes their partner feel unappreciated, devalued, controlled, small, insignificant, and the like. Which makes them shut down even more and become emotionally, and even physically unavailable. Which in turns triggers the other some more… And so the cycle, loop, dynamic, repeating patterns go…
It is usually the woman who feels the disconnect more and starts this cycle… Of course, it can be said that the man started by not showing up emotionally in the first place… But we have to plant the flag somewhere and it is easier to see it when we observe what is being done, versus what isn’t.
*Now, I said “usually” but the reverse is also true, and I used the genders for simplicity’s sake but please replace them as it fits your relationship. Just know that regardless of gender, the polarities still exist in the relationship in terms of feminine or masculine energy that creates the attraction between the two (both have both but lean more into one). If the binary language is offensive to you, you can translate this further and just suffice to say that there are different energies with opposing needs, they don’t need to be labeled…
The partners keep triggering each other with their relationship overfunctioning (pursuing) and relationship underfunctioning (distancing).
Once the partners pause and recognize that they are dissatisfied and constantly triggering each other, they can now become proactive about creating change in their relationship…
It is super helpful to shift how things are being interpreted- a lot of times the partners assume the worst, feel it’s totally hopeless, and feel like calling it quits. They throw up the baby with the bath water!
When what is needed is different perspective, realignment, and approach:
~ Embrace a Heart-Centered Approach – Move down from the head, logic, ego and fear driven overanalyzing, interpreting, assuming, and knowing best and knowing it all… Move down to the heart and see and feel the blessings, beauty, joy, gratitude, ease, flow, appreciation, love… Cultivate this, expand it… Fill your heart, enlarge your heart. Connect with your sacred heart…
~ Embrace a Higher Estate – When you connect with your heart and lead from your heart life and your relationship become infinitesimally easier… Connect with compassion and unconditional love… Your partner is not perfect, as you are not… Your partner is also on a Journey, as are you… Have some grace for your experiences and really partner up in your great life adventure…
~ Embrace a Higher Living – When you realign as we are saying here, you are automatically in a different reality! Things play out differently, work out better, easier, and smoother for the highest good of all. Life and your relationship become a dream come true… It is not that difficult to become your best self, create your best relationship, and your best life as the end of the day…
Ok, so this is all well and good in concept and philosophically you may be thinking, and asking what that means for the everyday.
Now that I shared the perspective shift for you to embrace, that creates a major shift in and of itself by the way… Let me bring it down to the clinical and practical so you can hang your hat somewhere.
The dynamics get created because of our programming, patterning and conditioning… This is why we address this a lot… We want to deprogram ourselves to get out of the box and into a more authentic, expansive, and loving relationship…
Real down to earth and tangible practices help with this:
*I’ve written about these extensively in the blog and have done some videos as well – feel free to search for selflove practice, connection, reprogramming and the like for more. Though the concepts are not always fully expounded and contextualized know that everything I offer, even the fun and silly things like creating seasonal bucket lists and 30-day challenges, serve a higher purpose and good of all…
~ Self-Love Practice – This practice addresses your inner-child… Meets your needs, nourishes and resources you, and heals you…
~ Partner-Love Practice – This practice addresses your shadows (unknown, hidden, disowned parts of you)… Meets your partner’s needs, delights and resources your partner, and evolves you…
There is so much possibility, gifts, and blessings in there you can play there for eternity. Embrace them as a way of life… Like I like to say, embrace a Relationship Enrichment Lifestyle….
And, for a bonus practice for today that is totally embodied and relational and in real time- CoRegulation:
~ Coregulation Practice – This is a way to use ourselves in the moment to have our partner’s back, each other’s back… It utilizes our nervous system to resonate with our partner’s to influence each other’s estate. When we are resourced and intentional, we can stay calm, grounded, and available in the face of our partner’s reactivity which in turn helps them calm down, get grounded and soothed… It helps as a calming agent and connecting mechanism in times of distress (and other times as well!). This is a great practice when and for addressing triggers, pain, and stress.
Show up with warmth, calming presence and tone of voice, attunement, eye contact
Provide verbal acknowledgement of the other’s distress and experience, put words to it
Offer deep breathing or synchronizing breaths, eye contact or eye gazing, and gentle reassuring caring touch (don’t force hugs!)
When partner’s meet their own and each other’s needs, they heal and grow… And change their stuck repeating patterns… They deprogram…
Embracing a coregulation practice is a super loving way to be in relationship and to deepen your connection. Now this addresses what feels like missing in your relationship, and helps with building that connection you crave… Now that’s partnership, cocreation, and Love!
PSS: Do you need support taking yourself, your relationship, and your life to the next level- actually living a healthy, happy, harmonious and overall abundant life?
Copyright (c) 2024 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication? Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Couple Strategy™ that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly connection notes in your inbox with Personal Development and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
Some might believe they love unconditionally, because they believe that’s what’s expected and what’s appropriate in love… But upon further inspection it is obvious that their love is conditional… Is there a right way to love? Should we love unconditionally? Or should we, what some might consider, be smart about it and love conditionally?
In my book, love has nothing to do with conditions…
Now, this doesn’t mean we put up with abusive situations, or situations that don’t honor who we are, or that don’t support our purpose and our life Journey… This also doesn’t mean we are to be doormats and have no expectations in our relationship… All these things could be true, and we could still love the other…
So, when people believe love is conditional on certain things, that doesn’t really add up because we can obviously love no matter what, codependence and other dynamics and conditions aside…
But because we can love no matter what, it doesn’t mean we put up with a less than radiant and successful relationship… One that helps us become our best self… One that enriches us and makes our journey better…
~ We invest in cultivating our love, so it doesn’t get tied up with conditions and eroded by unmet expectations…
~ We invest in creating the best relationship to support and help expand our love…
This means we create the perfect space for our love. And this doesn’t mean a perfect relationship- there is no such thing. But it means a relationship in progress to its fullest potential…
Now this is journey worth investing in- playing in this realm and experiencing the rewards it yields is one of the best feelings… It’s so satisfying and fulfilling to take the interactions to the next level where both partners feel fully heard, understood, and accepted. Where they feel appreciated for who they are and what they contribute to the relationship and the other’s life. Where they feel deeply connected, and nourished and enlivened by their interactions.
Let’s commit to playing in the realm of having a relationship in progress to its fullest potential, where our love can thrive and shine…
PSS: Do you need support taking yourself, your relationship, and your life to the next level- actually living a healthy, happy, harmonious and overall abundant life?
Copyright (c) 2024 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication? Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Couple Strategy™ that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly connection notes in your inbox with Personal Development and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
We are experiencing a stronger need for connection and love in the collective, some of us might be more aware and attuned to that than others. This has always been a theme in the work we do with our couples in couples therapyand marriage counseling. But there seems to be a deeper longing and more significant desire for more affection, connection, intimacy, and communing.
We might be experiencing this as life lacking luster, as an identity crisis, as aimlessness or boredom, as loss, sadness, or grief, as anger or disillusionment, as friction, frustration, drama, or conflict, or in a myriad of different ways…
We might be feeling really uncomfortable in our own skins, in relationship with our partner, in our professions or careers, in our other roles, and in our place in life in general at this time… We might be feeling a little lost, upside down or alone… We might be wondering what’s the meaning of everything and what’s our place in it…
Does this resonate?
These existential questions are not to be feared, and definitely not ignored and swept under the rug.
These are just signs that we are ready to grow, to upgrade, to uplevel… To evolve… To awaken…
This just means that we are ready to take our human experience to new heights. That’s very cool in my book, and I say bring it!
But what does this mean for our everyday? For our feelings? For being in relationship with our partner? And everything else?
Well, I say we take it easy and address what is the most uncomfortable first… Where are you suffering the most? What is keeping you up at night? What is giving you the most grief, anxiety and agita?
Then focus on addressing that at the root. Not by throwing out the baby with the bath water- as in leaving your partner, leaving your job, or otherwise jumping ship. You might have to eventually do that if it serves your purpose and honors your life. But don’t jump to conclusions.
Be curious first about where you are and what you need and how to go about meeting that need….
Focus on learning you, learning your partner, learning new skills, tools and talents… All this will support you in creating a more exciting, enjoyable, and fun Journey…
For additional support, check out this month’s Integration Experience on this topic that’s now on replay: Relate Intentionally and Authentically to Blossom Your Love. It’s available through our Radiance Membership at no additional cost.
And, in today’s podcast episode I have an energizing conversation with Francois Lupien on just what it takes to change things around. We talk about the power of our internal dialogue and how to have impactful interactions with others, how to go from victim of circumstances to creator of our own reality, how to reframe situations for more happiness and joy in our relationship and our life, and he offered a golden tactic to take things to the next level.
PSS: Do you need support taking yourself, your relationship, and your life to the next level- actually living a healthy, happy, harmonious and overall abundant life?
Copyright (c) 2024 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication? Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Couple Strategy™ that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly connection notes in your inbox with Personal Development and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
It is very easy to neglect our relationship and our partner, if we are not intentional about showing love, giving care, and investing in all the enriching ways… We live in a world where work is the priority… We spend more time working than we do taking care of our personal life and sharing time with our loved ones… The grind and the rat race are still very much alive. I had hoped that the pandemic would have made a larger impact in this regard. But old habits, social constructs and a deeply ingrained systems will obviously require a more sustained, compassionate, and cooperative approach to change… In the meantime, it is up to us to safeguard our bond and our relationship from the onslaught of life’s demands…
It is up to us to make a concerted effort, investment, in prioritizing our partner and our relationship. When we are not intentional the tentacles of chaos and other demands have free reign to reach into every crevice with an ounce of energy and snatch it up… Because of our programming and because of the world we live in, we allow this to happen. Other things appear more important in the moment to moment, until we are zapped and have nothing else to give.
But making a conscious and intentional decision to set up our routines, days, weeks, and months in a ways that build in the space, the time, the energy conservation, and mechanisms for having time for each other, for being resourced, for being present and available, and for being conscious and attuned, allows us to really be in relationship and enjoy our connection.
Going about our life and our relationship this way, allows for the Us to not only survive, but also thrive… It allows us to focus on what is important and to have the time and the energy for it. And, most importantly, it doesn’t allow for the rest of life to get in the way and wreak havoc.
When we do this reset and Alignment, we tap into the synergy inherent in our relationshipand are then better able to utilize it as the Life Partnership it is meant to be. It is our rock, our haven, our source of joy and so much more. It elevates it to its rightful place from which we can draw what we need to have our amazing life adventure and best Human Experience…
Embracing this relationship enrichment mindset and approach ensures our love is protected, nurtured, expanded, and everlasting… This is the abundance available to us if we just tune in and choose our partner everyday…
Being aware of how our current reality sets us up for the grind and disconnect, and how our systems reinforce separateness, competition, and lack, allows us to make different choices than if we blindly go along. And being proactive about collaborating in not allowing the machine to win, while being compassionate to those still under its spell, makes for an easier transition into more harmonious and joyful living.
Together we can conquer all…
In today’s episode, I have an enlightening and informative conversation with Dr. Jeffrey Dunne about the concept of interconnectedness, unity consciousness, and implications for a more harmonious and loving relationship and a more sustainable future…
PSS: Do you need support taking yourself, your relationship, and your life to the next level- actually living a healthy, happy, harmonious and overall abundant life?
Copyright (c) 2024 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication? Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Couple Strategy™ that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly connection notes in your inbox with Personal Development and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
It is not uncommon for relationships to experience an intimacy or sex drought. Where the partners are just not being as intimate as they would normally prefer. There is usually one partner that expresses less interest, but it can happen where both are just not into it. The partners might have different reasons for the lack of desire and interest. And they most likely have different libidos, desire levels, and preferences for timing, frequency, and duration of their physically intimate moments as well as what they entail… In other words, what kind of sex they like to have. It is a wonder that we even make babies, but that’s a different topic…
There is much intricacy in each of these factors making each couple unique in their experience and what kind of relationship they create. And even within the couple, the partners have very different experiences and ideas from each other about what is going on… Not for nothing this is a very sensitive, delicate, and complex situation for partners to address and be able to change.
The uniqueness of each partner in-and-of-itself plays a significant role. Two unique individuals coming together to create a joint life is no easy feat. All the differences that made the match of the partners so special in the first place now make an elaborate undertaking to align and synchronize for optimal bliss within the relationship…
The richness and gloriousness of what is a couple, and a relationship, gets lost on most people. There is so much going on that meets the eyes, and even more underneath it all.
Couples are super special. They are the coming together of two people to create a greater whole, a much larger One. This whole, the relationship is the vehicle through which we navigate and live our life. It is imperative that we take care of it so we can have a wonderful Journey…
What does this mean for our connection, intimacy, and sex life?
~ This means that we can’t allow ourselves to get sucked into our negativity bias, into our limiting believes and scripts, into righteousness, into poor communication hygiene and habits, into our reactions and defensive patterns, into complacency and denial, into competition, comparison and tit-for-tat. That we are mindful and intentional about how we do ourselves- who we choose to be and how we choose to show up.
Partners are on the same team! They are allies. Yet they might fall prey to seeing and treating each other as the enemy. This just compounds the difficulties and disconnect they might be experiencing…
~ This means that we choose to address anything that is getting in the way from our most epic relationship and love affair with our partner. That we choose to get medical attention and other services for anything physical or emotional affecting our health, wellbeing, and everything else.
~ This means that we address the circumstances affecting our relationship, our connection, our intimacy, our libido and our passion.
~ This means that we address any relationship issues or concerns, anything we are fighting about or that gets us, any egoic patterns, any relationship patterns, and anything that keeps us from getting along, getting on the same page, connecting deeply and meaningfully, from having the best sex, from really having fun with our partner, from creating the strongest partnership…
~ This means that we give some serious, and some playful, thoughts to our purpose, the meaning of our life, the kind of life we want to live, the type of human we want to be, the kind of legacy we want to impart, the kind of relationship we want to be a part of to help us sort through all this and enjoy the process…
I offer to not get hang up in the weeds of what is going on with your intimacy… I offer to take a larger view of your situation and how everything interconnects… You might be surprised as to what comes up to tweak to help all the dominos fall into place… All the above becomes so much easier and a pleasure to mitigate, address, deconstruct, and even transcend…
PSS: Do you need support taking yourself, your relationship, and your life to the next level- actually living a healthy, happy, harmonious and overall abundant life?
Copyright (c) 2024 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication? Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Couple Strategy™ that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly connection notes in your inbox with Personal Development and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
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Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT has been in the mental health profession in varying capacities for the past 20+ years. She is the Founder and Director of metrorelationship.com a psychotherapy and coaching practice specializing in working with busy professional and entrepreneurial couples who are struggling getting on the same page and feeling connected. The work helps couples create a radiant and successful relationship and meaningful life by becoming a strong partnership and increasing their connection, intimacy, and fun. Emma is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Relationship Strategy™.
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