Something that is amazingly striking is how vulnerable we are in all aspects of our humanness. And, how hard we can be on ourselves (and with others!) to top it off! In the stories I hear through the work, and also in plain old conversations with people, I hear the constant criticism, lack mentality, negativity, focus on what’s “wrong”, and the like. Gosh, it makes for an awful stay in that mental space rental. LOL
The self-deprecation, and focus on how our partner sucks, it’s so thick it can be cut with a knife. It’s interesting how challenging it is to bypass the Negativity Bias… It’s even more interesting that we love taking the concept to the next level (sarcasm). Obviously, we are not doing it on purpose. And, even the most evolved might still have moments where they succumb to the lure.
But what I work on for myself and teach our clients, is to be as mindful and intentional as possible, as consistently as possible, to counter this. But even embracing this practice can be challenging for some…
Have you ever noticed that you might have cracked the code on something, found a great life hack, or some other worthy morsel, but when you try to share the wealth it is not accepted, it’s actually not even received well?
The main reason for this is that we have a program running in the background that doesn’t allow us to deviate from it… Even if it’s good for us. The program doesn’t recognize it as good. If a deviation from the norm is detected, it considers it a bug, virus, threat and goes about eradicating it… It’s like having a firewall and malware installed in our server! Nothing will get through until we change the software, permissions, settings, or code…
This programming is subconscious, and it’s literally wired into our nervous system… All the messaging and experiences growing up impacted how we wired our (embodied) brain, which in turn informs our chemistry, personality, defense mechanism, sensitivities, etc… Not for nothing it isn’t easy to receive constructive criticism, feedback, advise and resources… We are built to protect ourselves from any threats to the status quo, from change!
I know this might sound like a lost cause, but if it was the likes of me wouldn’t have a profession! It is not hopeless, it is not impossible, it is not absurd. Change can happen. We just need to be smart about our approach. We can’t muscle our way through. We can’t solve it as a logical problem. We can’t ignore it in hopes it goes away on its own, it won’t. We just need to target the program… for once we get through, voila!!
The key is to be intentional and proactive about this… This approach to evolving ourselves is not for the faint of heart. If you want it you can have it, but you have to invest in yourself… And, therein lies the grub. This is part of the catch 22 and why not everybody is evolved already. It’s hard to invest in yourself when your programming is running ramped against change!
The trick? Be gentle. Sneak up on yourself… If you are in therapy, or other supportive service, you probably noticed that your therapist doesn’t beat you into change… That your therapist is loving, nurturing, accepting and challenges you just enough at the right time to get in… That they offer you a different experience, and techniques and tools, to assist the reprogramming…
Piggybacking on last week’s issue, on Nurturing is not just for mothers, here is a call to nurture yourself also… This is a reprogramming strategy (ReParenting Yourself, Mothering Yourself…). Evolving ourselves can be pretty simple if we mean it, if we really want to evolve and have our best human experience… This doesn’t have to be mysterious or difficult. A strategy can be as simple as Nurturing…
But do beware of the sentinel against change… Even do nurturing gently… Sometimes we go all gung-ho about a new selfcare routine, new service, new nurturing toy or such, to very quickly put it to the side or “lose interest”. Sneak in the goodness. Integrate it slowly. Take your time. Just know that nice and steady wins the race…
Assignment: Make a list of all feel good activities, gestures, treats, and the like. For example, getting a massage is pretty high on my list. They can be as simple as making yourself a cup of tea during key times of the day, to embracing a meditation practice, to taking yourself to a spa retreat in some obscure part of the world.
This is your list, anything goes. Don’t judge, don’t sensor. Make a nice list. Then as your programming allows, integrate items to your hearts content…
Be gentle. Be kind. Be nice. Be accepting. Be loving. Be You to yourself!
Complete the Assignment below, and share your takeaway, insights, and results with a note in the Comments box at the end! I’d love to hear how you are using this content.
Copyright (c) 2019 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
First, if you are a Mom, sending you lots of love and appreciation for all you do and endure as a Mom… Second, if you are not a Mom, I’m sure there is a Mom in your life that you can Celebrate… And, third, we all have a Mother inside us to whatever extent. It’s part of the human condition to Care…
This is a perfect time to review how we are doing in the Caring department. How are we being amazing (not perfect) Moms to our children? How are we being amazing Caring individuals to the ones we love? How do we show care, tenderness, nurturing? How do we show up so that others know we Care?
Sometimes our intentions are misread, misheard, or misinterpreted… This happens more often than not. Whether it happens or not depends on a myriad of reasons:
The context – There could be a hurried, stressed, anxious, overwhelmed, hungry, tired, or such state by the sending or receiving party in the interaction that whatever is put out doesn’t come out or land well.
Our agenda – We can have the best of intentions to do something nice for someone, but it can be driven by our own needs and therefore might not match the needs or desires of the person we are trying to show Care.
Our style – Sometimes we mean well and it meets the need of the intended recipient, but our approach is lacking. We might be overbearing, pushy, critical, controlling, demanding, flashy, or the opposite, quiet, unassuming, simple, too practical, low key, undemonstrative, standoffish, etc. Either way it’s a challenge to receive what we put out.
Their script – Additionally, regardless of what we are doing the other person is using their lens to receive us. They have a preconceived notion about us, different expectations, their own narrative about life and the world. They’ll experience and interpret as they are programmed…
This plays a huge role in relationship with people and specially in relationship with our Partner. It is very interesting to be the witness if you may in Couple Therapy. From as much of a neutral stance that is possible, we (Therapists) are able to hear the partners’ messages how they are intended.
Though they might come out or land crooked, which is immediately evident by the other’s reaction… The same thing said by the Therapist is usually received better!
It is imperative that each Partner, or in the case of other relationships that both parties, mind their own side of the interaction: Taking care of their own state, taking care of their motivation and how they show up, and being mindful of the other person’s sensitives as best they can.
Our goal is to be our best Human Self… Part of that is being nice, caring, loving, and the like. It is our job to do that well. This does not mean Loving/Caring too Much as in being Codependent… Find out if you are Loving/Caring too Much HERE!
Our job is to show care appropriately, so that others feel the Care. If they are running from us or complaining they don’t get enough then our approach needs tweaking…
The best way to give targeted Care is by giving care in their Love Language and by giving it from our own circle, from us owning ourselves (not them!). Doing for others what they can do for themselves is part of being codependent… This is disempowering for the person we are supposedly caring for, and extremely frustrating in the end for the person delivering the so call “care”.
Assignment: Take stock of how Caring you are being, if you are being Amazing, codependent or sucky… Identify the main area (context, agenda, style or script) that usually gets you. Identify what you need to tweak about your approach. Identify 3 specific things to change, decide to change them, and go for it.
Any tweaking you do will have a major impact. People are sensitive to how we relate to them. If we show up differently, they’ll notice… Sometimes our shift is more internal than external, and it takes a while for it to become visible others. Don’t get mad at them if they don’t notice your efforts… Just keep doing your side…
Step up the good/appropriate Care you give others in your life. This can include simple appreciation and gratefulness for what they do and who they are… Doing this in and of itself is also good for you. With gratitude your brain goes into a different state, a feeling good state. Generosity, gratitude, kindness and such are related to our sense of Happiness. Everybody wins!
Enjoy the Care you give!
Share your takeaway, insights, and results by leaving a comment below! I’d love to hear how you are using this content.
Copyright (c) 2019 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
Have you noticed that whatever you are dealing with, more of it shows up in your life? It can even start to feel like the universe is playing a joke on you. Have you had that experience? Of course, it’s awesome when this applies to good stuff in our lives. Not so much when the repeating item is frustrating, painful or generally negative.
This can show up in the form of themes in shows, songs and publications, or just things you notice. This can show up as issues with different people. This can show up as repeating patterns in your relationship. I’m sure you’ve noticed one of the underlying themes in my writing is about focusing on what we contribute to a situation and on the positive in others, in giving our partner the benefit of the doubt…
And, I’ve written about, and refer to this multiple times a day in my work with clients, that we have a tendency to focus on the negative and “How our partner sucks.” So, I was thrilled when two different resources showed up in my inbox this week about our brain’s tendency for “negativity bias”… But then I had to check-in with myself and ask if this was to be used as a professional resource, or was this applicable to Me as well…
It is part of the human condition to be egocentric, we filter everything as to how it applies to us… Part of the work is to do my own work… Staying open to the possibility that I might be ready for additional work in this area I embraced this as a personal challenge.
And, lo and behold, some things that had crept up as recent annoyances in my life all of a sudden no longer felt as such… A minor adjustment in focus and assigned meaning provided a huge relief to my overall emotional state. Wow!
What does this mean for you? It means, let’s go back to what I usually offer. Stop focusing on “How your partner sucks”, and focus instead on how you are showing up, how you are taking care of yourself, how you are resourced and present, on how you are contributing to the conflict, tension or dissatisfaction. Focus on what you can do different and how you choose to look at your partner, and others!
You have control and power to change your side, you don’t have control and power to change other’s. Don’t even try, it’s a waste of resources. This is where partners go wrong. They spin their wheels becoming more frustrated and hurt.
Stop focusing on what is not working, what you don’t like, how something could be different, why are things not better and the like. Stop your negativity bias! Focus instead on your and other’s strengths, what you do like, what touched your heart, how the other invested, on their intention and motivation (don’t assign negative motives either!).
Stop the negativity bias and feel load off your shoulders, trust me!
Share your takeaway, insights, and results by leaving a comment below! I’d love to hear how you are using this content.
Copyright (c) 2019 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
Life is gorgeously full and a consistent invitation to approach what’s important with intentionality, ease, presence, and mindfulness. For in how we carry ourselves impacts the experiences we create, and the Journey we live… It is up to us to make it a good one every day. How do you measure your daily success?
Recently, in sharing about his work Hubby made a comment that inadvertently hit home for my work with couples. He said, Effort is nice, Impact matters. Wow! How often do I hear of partners standing on their heads trying to address their relationship dissatisfaction.
And, how often do I redirect them into approaching their partner in the most targeted way that touches their heart and makes a difference. We want to put in a lot less Effort into our relationship, and a lot more meaningful interactions… This is at the crux of it…
It’s time to stop spinning your wheels, banging your head against the wall, and skirting around your issues. It’s time for a new strategy.
There are always two sides to every story. Each partner has their own experience in an interaction, and in the relationship period. And, they are BOTH valid! The problem is that partners relate intent on proving they are right, their way is the right way, or they’ve been wronged in some way…
This automatically makes their partner wrong… When we negate another’s experience, we automatically trigger Existential fears and prior trauma, relational and otherwise… And, as you probably very well know, nobody is any good once they are triggered…
Some partners live on a constant triggered state due to unresolved unfinished business, lack of relationship skills and poor personal regulation and management. They walk around with open wounds and unintentionally keep adding salt to injury.
Some partners are so used to living in this state that they don’t even realize they are not living optimally… Or, they do but are at a loss for what to do differently. They are paralyzed, stuck… Unfortunately, this has all kinds of health and success implications as well…
It is not easy in relationship to hold space for both partners’ experiences… Partners usually subscribe to the belief that they have to agree on things, most things… That they have to have things in common, most things… And, that if they don’t, they are doomed. They can’t fathom both being right, or being ok in the face of differences…
They themselves have to be “the last man standing”… It has to be their way or the highway… If the space is taken up by their partner’s experience, then they experience no room for themselves… This is an existential crisis. Hence the struggle to coexist…
In this struggle for existential survival partners go rogue in their attempt to get their needs met, usually at the expense of their connection. They go in impulsively, reactively, narrow mindedly, like a bull in a china shop. Resulting in boundary injuries and attachment rapture. The lack of connection remains pervasive and a trigger in and of itself… And, the cycle continues…
Being stubborn in our approach, timing, focus and the like to address our experience often times backfires, and nobody wins! This is the wrong approach. We cannot put ourselves first in this way. It doesn’t work. This is not how we take care of ourselves and get our needs met…
There are two ways to meet our needs:
We ask our partner to meet them
We meet them ourselves
Some needs are more appropriate that we meet ourselves, others are more relational in nature. We have to be mindful which we assign to each category and about our expectations. Sometimes, we have to figure out how to have our relational needs met by ourselves as well, while still honoring the relationship commitment. This depends on what is going on in our relationship, and our and our partner’s personal evolution…
When a partner has no capacity to meet the other’s relational needs, the nature of the relationship is delicate and requires special attention for it to work out well and become reciprocal again. There is an ongoing ebb and flow in our relationship. The key is to ride this well.
Couples suffer when they don’t have a proper handle on this. Their expectations are reasonable, but beyond their current relationship’s scope. Partners focus on forcing a square peg into a round hole, instead of expanding the hole… We can expand the hole by appropriately taking care of ourselves, making sure our expectations fall within our partner’s current capacity, and inspiring them into reciprocity…
We inspire them by doing our own work… We cannot attempt to get our needs met by our partner until we understand their side and are able to make appropriate requests… We can only do this after we self soothe/regulate and better manage ourselves… After we clean our lens, get out of our head and stop doing relationship math, as it never adds up! And, after we get in touch with our heart…
When we resource ourselves before engaging our partner, we can stay grounded and not be threatened by their experience, their existence… We can appropriately engage for a win-win. Resourced we show up better, approach better, respond better. Resourced we make a better impact and get better results… Resourced we get the partner we desire and create the relationship we desire.
Your Assignment this week:
Part 1 – Think of a need you’d like your partner to meet. Think of why your partner might not have been meeting this need, what might be holding them back? Really think about this, make a list of all the reasons from what you might know of their perspective. If you were them, can you see how this would be challenging for them? Kick this around until you get their side…
Part 2 – Think about how to approach addressing your need with your partner, being mindful to not trigger them or request something that might feel impossible for them to give at this time. Once you have a clean and mindful approach in mind, ask your partner for a chat to discuss this.
You’ll go in with all your understanding from Part 1 and owning your side fully. No owning their side, beating them up or being controlling allowed! Respectfully and vulnerably make a request that meets your need – be creative, open-minded and flexible…
Don’t Effort in your relationship. Shoot for positive Impact instead. Create your Successful Relationship. And, that’s what matters!
Stay tuned for a new Theme in the next issue.
Share your takeaway, insights, and results by leaving a comment below! I’d love to hear how you are using this content.
Copyright (c) 2019 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
Mid-March – how about them apples? Times flies when you are having fun, or are too busy! LOL Hopefully it’s the former for you. How is it going? Having a good week? Having a good month (March can be rough on people)? Having a good quarter…?
As we are quickly approaching the end of Q1, this is a perfect time to check if we are on track for the year. This might be tough to face if you were slow getting started with your new year’s strategy.
It’s common that people don’t invest time at the end of the year in planning for the new year. This leaves them planning and strategizing at the beginning of the year. Which in turn prolongs the time that it takes them to actually start working on their strategy and the new goals.
This might still be the case for you if you don’t necessarily create a “strategy” for the year, but set some resolutions, intentions, focus, goals, or such. You might have gotten to the game a bit late.
Also, it might not have been easy to get moving, regardless of how much ahead planning you did, if you experienced some winter blues. You might have had the best of intentions, and then BAM! The winter blues hit and you just couldn’t get a strong enough grip implementing your strategy or getting traction fast enough.
There is yet, something else that might be getting in the way of rocking Q1 regardless of how much planning or not you’ve done. That is having the winter blahs (cabin fever) which has or is slowing you down…
With all of the above you are not alone! These are all very common, and hence the focus of this post.
Then again, maybe the above are not the case for you, and you have been plowing along nicely. Kudos and congrats, you are in the minority and deserve acknowledgement!
Regardless of the boat you are in, this check-in is a mechanism to regroup, refocus, and realign as necessary. It’s not meant to kick your butt or make you feel bad for not being further along than where you’d wish you’d be. The check-in is meant to course correct as necessary. And, this applies to whether you’ve been moving along or not. You want to make sure you are always on your best-known path…
Personally, I like to use the quarterly check-ins to trim off the fat of my usually overly ambitious agenda. I streamline it to what I really want to get done for the quarter… This is a purge to let go of projects, tasks, and routines that might be too much to accomplish or serve as distractions for making the desired dent in the last stretch of the quarter. It’s used to hone-in on accomplishing and experiencing what would make a difference.
Look at your goals and daily approach, and aggressively pare down on the over-ambitiousness, noise, and irrelevant to your progress and enjoyment focusing only on what will result in added Value and Joy:
Leave only that elegant project to complete by the end of the quarter. Cut out miscellaneous little projects or to-dos…
Leave also very targeted self-care and connection habits. Cut out the fluff that feel like time-wasters and that don’t make that much of a difference to you in the moment and long-term…
Leave commitments that enrich your life. Cut out the ones that stress you out or make you feel bad about yourself…
Leave functional tasks that make your life run smooth. Automate, delegate, outsource, or pause any other tasks that you hate to do, are time-sucks, or that can wait…
The idea is to focus on ROI (return on investment) as much as possible so you cross the finish line with the gold.
This is also a great time to check-in with your Partner about the status of things:
How are you seeing and experiencing each other? If your partner is getting on your nerves, remember the 80/20 rule. Where 80% of what is bothering you is actually about you, and 20% about how your partner is being and what they are doing… It’s time to check your relationship mindset!
How is your communication and are you on the same page? If your communication is not flowing well, if you are having frequent arguments, if arguments are explosive, and if it takes a while to regroup from negative interactions then your communication skills might need a little upgrading… It’s time to reinstate the tools you already have or get new ones!
How is your relationship dynamic? Have any dissatisfying/negative recurring patterns? If you find that you are still (or again) power-struggling, your needs are probably not being met appropriately. It’s time to revisit how your needs are being met and how to meet them better!
How is your connection and intimacy? If you feel like two ships passing in the night. If you find that you are always together, but things are friends/roommate-like and boring. If you are having little physical intimacy and affection. You might be focusing too much on your professional and/or domestic life, and not enough on being partners/lovers… It’s time to refocus on the people in the relationship vs the roles and tasks!
How is your partnership? Are you a well-oiled machine? If you find you are not current with each, not supporting each other, not sharing responsibilities somewhat evenly, and/or not working towards a common goal, you don’t have a good structure and systems in place to help you collaborate and properly run the joint business of life. It’s time to get your house in order!
Take that feedback to help you regroup and reprioritize for Q2… Make sure you set relationship goals. Make sure that you explore behavior changes and create new relationship enrichment and connection habits. Make sure you sprinkle relationship nurturing rituals into the mix. This is your H.W., to set up your relationship to be more amazing in Q2!
For now, make a commitment to wrap up this quarter well, and regroup for the next one to stay in alignment with creating your successful relationship and meaningful life, your best life yet this year!
Remember to complete the MetroRelationsip™ Assignment below to help you effortlessly implement this, make changes and immediately start creating your Successful Relationship and Meaningful Life…
Share your experience by leaving a comment below!
Happy Regrouping!
~ Your MetroRelationship™ Assignment
Set time aside this weekend to review your Q1, and to review the status of your relationship with your partner.
Discuss how to wrap Q1 with a Bam, and what you want to institute for Relationship Enrichment in Q2.
Keep it light, forgiving, and as merely an exercise in designing and creating the life you want…
Add this to your Tool Kit…
Copyright (c) 2019 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
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Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT has been in the mental health profession in varying capacities for the past 20+ years. She is the Founder and Director of metrorelationship.com a psychotherapy and coaching practice specializing in working with busy professional and entrepreneurial couples who are struggling getting on the same page and feeling connected. The work helps couples create a radiant and successful relationship and meaningful life by becoming a strong partnership and increasing their connection, intimacy, and fun. Emma is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Relationship Strategy™.
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