Are you finding this time of year challenging as the school year wraps up and as we start transitioning into the Summer months? There is so much that goes into this transition that people are feeling more stretched than usual… And this weekend is also Father’s Day… There is no lack of things to celebrate. This is when it’s important for us to take a step back and assess the quality of our life and relationship. How are we doing, how are we showing up to our relationships, how are we showing up for ourselves, are we creating the life we love?
Busy and transition times give us a clue as to how we are doing… They are great opportunities to take stock and reassess how we do everything- from celebrations, to relaxation, to health and wellness, to love making, and everything in between…
Times of transition are amazing opportunities for us to assess, reset and forge forward in a new way. In June I love to play with 30-Day Challenges to help with this. It’s a wonderful tool to play with deprogramming (deconditioning) and depatterning (undermining our egoic patterns, our defensive patterns) freeing ourselves from the boxes we are used to living and relating in…
Challenges help us embrace new habits, do pattern interruptions, and provide structure that serve as healing and evolutionary mechanisms…
When we choose a 30-Day Challenge for this purpose, we can consider different things to help us hone into a habit we want to play with in the challenge.
~ Lack is driven by believing we are separate and not whole, which leads to sadness, grief, loneliness, aloneness, hopelessness, depression and so on which lead to focusing on fairness and double standards, judging imperfections, self-numbing [flight response…]
~ Attachments are driving by believing we need certainty and certain outcomes which leads to let down, disappointment, resentment, frustration, anger and so on which lead to demanding apologies, owning the other, and getting stuck on expectations [fight response…]
~ Control is driven by believing that we have to make things happen and have to do all the doing which leads to fear, stress, overwhelm, exhaustion, anxiety and so on which lead to over-functioning, micromanaging, doing everything ourselves, not accepting help [freeze response…]
And, then think about how this pattern might impact things that you are trying to achieve, accomplish or create in your relationship and your life.
You might feel stuck in things like:
~ losing weight or getting fit ~ creating and sustaining connection with your partner or other loved ones ~ moving up in your career ~ growing your business ~ making, saving, growing, or keeping your money ~ creating a satisfying lifestyle ~ implementing a self-care routine ~ synchronized coparenting ~ or anything else in your life
You might experience that no matter what you do, you can’t seem to make any headways. You keep going back to the same old… That’s a sign that conditioning, programming, and patterning are holding you back…
The pattern and topic can inform the habit you choose to use in your Challenge to start dismantling the driving conditioning or programming… But at the end of the day, you can choose any habit or tactic for your Challenge as the challenge itself will work its magic…
Give it shot, you got nothing to lose and much to gain from this simple yet powerful tool. Hope you accept the challenge…
PSS: Do you need support taking yourself, your relationship, and your life to the next level- actually living a healthy, happy, harmonious and overall abundant life?
Copyright (c) 2024 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication? Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Couple Strategy™ that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly connection notes in your inbox with Personal Development and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
Have you had the experience of wanting to change something in your life but seemingly no matter what you try it seems that you just can’t get the results you are looking for? I have seen this with health and wellness habits, productivity and success habits, and I hear this all the time when couples first come to see us for couples therapyabout creating changes in their relationship…
I find that partners think they try all kinds of things to make changes in their relationship without getting the outcome they are seeking. But even though they might try different things, what’s at the root, the driving mechanisms behind their efforts remain the same… So actually, not that much is being done differently at the end of the day… And they end up feeling stuck.
Their conditioning, programming, and patterning need to be addressed, what’s driving their dynamics, for change to actually happen, AND hold… This can be done in a lot of different ways and through a host of different modalities…
And, as we’ve been at the deconditioning thing for a bit now, I want to offer tackling this from a lighter place to make the work more fun…
Let’s get to some deconditioning with some Fathering- let’s embrace more structure, systems and routinesfor the security and discipline we need… But before you roll your eyes, as we are trying to get away from so much structure to begin with and make it more fun, let me share that we won’t be over doing it to where we stifle ourselves and it will be fun…
What we want to do is give ourselves the container of a structure so we can freely flow within it. Eh? More on this in upcoming issues. But for now, let’s focus on chipping away at programs that hold us back from what we want, even our attempt to be more disciplined…
How? Let’s play with the idea of pattern interruption and make it fun- let’s implement habits that counter our usual habitual (egoic) ways… That force our brain to repattern… Driving home a different way. Writing or brushing your teeth with your opposite from dominant hand. Sleeping on the other side of the bed, or sitting at a different place at the dinner table or couch. You get my drift.
In today’s podcast episode, I’m excited to have a conversation with Marvin Bee, a fellow podcaster about how to go about our own personal health journey. He focuses on removing unhealthy habits and all things not good for us in his approach to health and happiness…
Awesome ideas show up in our conversation that can be used for your 30-Day Challenge… Enjoy!
PSS: Do you need support taking yourself, your relationship, and your life to the next level- actually living a healthy, happy, harmonious and overall abundant life?
Copyright (c) 2024 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication? Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Couple Strategy™ that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly connection notes in your inbox with Personal Development and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
We’ve been making our way through the 5 Elements of our Successful Couple Strategy™ to launch us into the New Year ready to create the best version of our relationship yet.
Today’s topic – The Same Thing Over and Over. Unless we make sure we don’t get stuck, that’s exactly what happens… When partners wing things in their relationship they will find themselves creating repeating patterns. That’s just the way of things. Even if they don’t necessarily “wing it”, but are not intentional, mindful, informed, and use Relationship Enrichment Skills this is still what happens…
What happens? What drives the repeating patterns? Why do partners get stuck here, no matter how smart they are? As I’ve said once or twice in session, this is not a logical problem to be solved with an intellectual conversation or approach, or as if it’s a riddle… No matter how much you kick it around in your head that’s not how you change this.
This happens because at some level we are looking to get what we haven’t gotten yet… It’s our unconscious mind at work, it’s a built-in mechanism to give us a second chance. A second chance at getting our needs met, at fully growing up, and at actually becoming who we are…
So even though it’s super frustrating to be stuck in repeating patterns, this is actually a Gift, a Blessing. This is an opportunity in disguise. This is a chance to give it another try! This happens FOR us not TO us.
This means our relationship is a gift, our Partner is a Gift… For in this context we have the perfect situation to do our work and have our human experience… It gives us the opportunity to practice, try again, and crack the code. How many situations in our life are as rich as this…?
Ok, so how do the frustrating things keep repeating against sometimes our bestest efforts and wishes? They repeat because is not the specific behavior or situation that is the issue or that needs to change, and that’s what the partners focus on…
Like leaving the toilet seat up
Like not getting up early to help with the children
Like not doing the dishes
Like always running late
Like telling white lies
Like leaving crumbs on the counter
Like not responding to texts fast enough
Like listening to the T.V. too loudly
Like not immediately picking up after the dog went in the yard
Like not buying groceries frequently enough
These are all real examples from couples I’m currently working with, and the list goes on and on. Any resonate for you? What is the thing that’s getting you?
Partners get stuck on items like this and what ensues when trying to address them… As you can see from the behaviors listed, the focus is on what the partner is doing or not doing! Right off the bat they are off in the wrong direction… The mere focus on these items as the partner being a perpetrator of some kind automatically affects one’s mood, state, experience and approach… And, it disempowers us…
The key with these and other similar focus items is to understand what they trigger for us… The trigger, the emotional response, is the hook… It’s not the behavior per se that’s so egregious, but what it does to us, how it makes us feel… As we are on the lookout to no longer get hurt in the same old way, to not feel that pain again, we are sensitive to any experience that might trigger it…
Some of the behaviors listed above wouldn’t bother someone else to the same extent if at all… Partners are not usually aware of the trigger, or get so triggered that they can’t help themselves, so they just get hang-up on the particular behavior for its own sake…
Partners then focus on correcting the infraction and getting their way. When faced with certain behaviors, we assign some negative meaning to them that triggers us. This by the way, happens at lightning speed where most of the time we are not even aware of our process…
And, then we react to the trigger, triggering our partner, who reacts to their trigger, triggering us some more.Fun times! LOL Thus, we go around and around, we create a repeating loop, we get stuck in a Power Struggle where both partners are focused on getting their way (getting their needs met and relieving their pain)… They end up creating repeating patterns, stuck dynamics. This creates stuckness in the relationship…
Changing the focus from our partner’s behavior in trying to take care of ourselves to caring of how we feel and what got triggered is how we shift the stuckness, change the dynamics and the patterns. When we change to this approach, we heal…
When we stretch to meet our needs appropriately, and our partner’s when addressing their concerns, we grow… When we intentionally work together we create a deeper understanding, more connection and greater intimacy…
This is how we create an everlasting bond, a rock-solid Partnership. This is what enables us to Flourish and create our Brilliant Life…
ASSIGNMENT: Take a moment to,
Identify the infractions, your partner’s imperfections, that you tend to focus on in your relationship.
Identify what they trigger for you, what feelings come up when faced with them. Note, that this is a pervasive feeling… It just gets exacerbated during certain times…
Identify what the feelings call for. What are the associated needs? What do you imagine you need when those feelings come up? This is where the focus needs to be, on the feeling and how to meet the needs driving it. And, the need is NOT, I need my partner to do the dishes! LOL
Identify ways to appropriately meet your needs- to address the pervasive feeling… And remember, it has nothing to do with the actual items that get you. They are just messengers…
Play with this to your heart’s content, heal yourself and grow yourself up. You’ll notice how much easier and beautiful your life becomes… Embrace the opportunities!
Complete the Assignment, and share your takeaway, insights, and results with a note in the Comments box at the end! I’d love to hear how you are using this content.
Happy Embracing
Copyright (c) 2019 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
… Newness generates inspiration, energy, motivation, momentum, new heights… How do you keep things Fresh in your life? How do you inspire and motivate yourself? How do you strive for new heights?
Building on our current Spring Renewal Theme, when we declutter, detox, spring clean and reenergize the outcome is a phenomenal spaciousness, surge, and drive… This generates a new perspective from which anything is possible…There is so much opportunity and beauty in this…
Spaciousness – When we don’t run around like a chicken without a head. When we don’t triple schedule ourselves. When we generously create transition, buffer, down/lazy, unscheduled/open, leisure time. When we allow for time to think, process, plan. We engage our creative juices, problem solving, healing, and other inherent human gifts.
Surge – When we refresh, replenish, and reset, we generate more and better energy. This allows us to connect with our desires and fuel our dreams, our vision, our Journey. This keeps us engaged, interested, curious. This keeps us joyfully in the game.
Drive – When we are properly resourced, we can effortlessly put in what it takes to make what we desire happen… Too often people are not properly resourced and quit midgame… Or, hey, they might not even get in the game. When we are resourced, the fuel allows us to leverage, to pick up momentum, to take off effortlessly.
Some of us operate from this state much more consistently than others, and boy, what a difference it makes. I’m sure you can pick out your colleagues, friends and families that operate from a resourced state vs not… These are the people in your life that are doing well, that seem to have it all together, that seem very lucky, that are effortlessly high producers, that seem to be creating and living the life they want, and more.
When we are resourced, we are able to have a better perspective and approach life differently… This is where the magic happens… Let’s apply this to our relationship:
When we are resourced, we can be the Partner we want to be… When we are resourced, we can show up better and interact with our partner more lovingly and meaningfully… When we are resourced, we can give more grace, be more openminded and more resilient (less easily triggered…). When we are resourced, we can appropriately meet our and our partner’s needs with ease.
Your Assignment this week: Play with the Spring Renewal Theme (see related links below) to resource yourself to the max, and keep playing with this for ongoing benefits… Keep tabs on how you feel, how you are able to show up differently, and how exchanges and outcomes turn out much better than usual…
Why go through your Journey on fumes, sputtering as you go, and potentially running out of gas?! What a terrible way to live. Start resourcing yourself better now and enjoy the ride!
Share your insights and impact by leaving a comment below! I’d love to learn what you are able to accomplish and create when you are resourced.
Copyright (c) 2019 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
We are in charge of how we choose to experience our life moments, and what we choose to do with them… This is a choice we can make about anything, at any time… Even in the face of trouble, chaos, crisis, and anything that we would usually consider negative life events. It’s all about the meaning we assign things… How we let them impact us… And, how we choose to address them…
The same goes for when others around us are having a moment… If they are spinning, we don’t have to spin with them… If they are feeling blue, cranky or mad, we don’t have to take on their feelings… If they are stressed, we don’t have to fix their stress… If they are ambivalent, we can stand in our Knowing…
We can have our feelings and experiences independently of others’. We can also choose to safeguard our wellbeing when those around us start to influence or impact us with their negative state. It’s not super easy to always stand still and not get sucked in…
It’s in our, and in our loved ones’, best interest to learn how to not get sucked in… I’ve had several sessions, and other experiences, recently where this was a prevalent theme. Partners get sucked into their partner’s mood, reactivity, and script allowing themselves, their emotional state, to be hijacked…
It’s already bad enough that we co-create our current patterns, our relationship dynamic, playing-out our unresolved issues so we have another go at them. It’s imperative we exercise more personal boundaries, self-soothing and regulating, and self-management to not take the bait and get hijacked. Consequently, this is also essential for changing the patterns themselves…
When you don’t take charge of your side of things and jump into the mud with the other, you perpetuate the negativity, collude with their perspective, entrench the limiting mindset, and create a life story riddled with dissatisfaction… You end up creating a mediocre life!
Jumping in the mud with them – trying to fix their issue, trying to make them feel better, trying to show them a different way, trying to rescue the moment and the like are all signs of Loving TOO Much… We can’t save people from themselves. They can only do this…
For when we fix things for them, we prevent them from experiencing the motivating pain, accessing their own resources, figuring it out, and possibly hitting the necessary rock bottom that would lead to the Light…
We have to be mindful not to get in their way. And, we have to be mindful not to get in our own way… When we take care of another in this way, we don’t take care of ourselves… Nobody wins!
Don’t take the bait. Don’t get on anyone’s ride. Focus on standing still. Reap the rewards!
Remember to complete the MetroRelationsip™ Assignment below to help you effortlessly implement this, make changes and immediately start creating your Successful Relationship and Meaningful Life…
Share your experience by leaving a comment below!
Happy Standing!
~ Your MetroRelationship™ Assignment
Take stock of when your interactions tend to go south in your relationship: before work, upon getting home, dinner, evening routine, bed time, Friday night, a particular time during the weekend, Sunday night, when food shopping, in the car, at weddings, at events, at in-laws’, etc.
See if you can identify a pattern as to when, and as a theme as to what about…
Do something to mitigate the when. Do something to address the what.
Add this to your Tool Kit…
Copyright (c) 2019 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
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Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT has been in the mental health profession in varying capacities for the past 20+ years. She is the Founder and Director of metrorelationship.com a psychotherapy and coaching practice specializing in working with busy professional and entrepreneurial couples who are struggling getting on the same page and feeling connected. The work helps couples create a radiant and successful relationship and meaningful life by becoming a strong partnership and increasing their connection, intimacy, and fun. Emma is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Relationship Strategy™.
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