Valentines’ Day is just around the corner. Whether you are into Valentine’s Day or not is irrelevant. The point of this and the upcoming issues is to focus on: How you do Love… For remember, that where we focus our attention our energy goes, and what we focus on grows… So, let’s make sure we Focus on Love and Relationship Enrichment, shall we?
This is the first issue of a 3-Part Series on Enhancing Love in Your Relationship:
Part1:If you can dream it, you can create it…
I’m sure you’ve heard the saying that, If you can dream it you can achieve it (do it)… I’m a super proponent of this concept as it is supported by brain science… Brain scientists report that when we dream something that the neural pathways within the prefrontal cortex get activated.
This part of the brain is the executive, taking action, part of the brain. In very simple terms, this activation serves as instructions for action… If you can see it in your mind’s eye, you can create it…
This is a key component of high-performance and achievement no matter what industry or context… We are more familiar with this concept within the sports arena, where we hear top athletes recount how they do mental imagery or rehearsal in order to improve their performance.
In the personal development and success circles this is referred to as Visualizing, where we see ourselves in our mind’s eye achieving our desired outcome… Another version of dreaming is Visioning, where we envision/capture a future desired outcome, usually through Inspiration…
For example, a football player might Visualize playing an amazing game prior to the big game because he has a Vision of winning the Super Bowl.
Visioning produces a Vision, a static output, a picture of a desired future outcome.
Visualizing produces a Process, a dynamic output, an ongoing rehearsal of attaining the desired future outcome.
When we integrate these tools into our repertoire, we increase our chances of success, of achieving our goals, of creating what we desire… This way we can create our successful relationship and meaningful life… We can have our world class life, our best Human Experience…
So, the first step is to create your Vision… If you haven’t done this as part of your New Year Strategizing, here is another opportunity to step-up your game… And, in staying with this Series’ Love Theme, focus on the Relationship Visioning part… Envision what kind of relationship you want to have, ponder these and whatever else is important to you:
What does your relationship look and feel like on a daily basis?
What are its characteristics? What’s its Brand? How would others describe it?
How do you do closeness, intimacy, passion and desire?
How do you do fun, adventure, and keep things fresh?
How do you enjoy each other and each other’s company?
How do you support each other and create unwavering trust?
How do you make decisions and cocreate a smooth strong partnership?
What kind of home and family life do you create?
What are your children learning about creating a successful relationship?
What would others want to emulate about your relationship? How do you inspire other couples?
The second step is to Visualize you doing your amazing relationship. Walk through your Vision and see yourself showing up with the best version of you, you as the best partner you want to be, You 2.0:
What is the best version of you? What character strengths are you showing up with more? What character flaws are you retiring?
What items tend to create tension or friction with your partner? How are you getting ahead of them?
What instances tend to get you that are not that important in the whole scheme of things where you are giving grace, latitude, margin, taking-the-high-road?
What skills or tools do you need to attain to address growth areas, break impasses, and get unstuck? What action are you taking to attain this?
How are you removing roadblocks? How are you showing up differently when roadblocks are removed?
What nurturing and caretaking behaviors are you integrating into your daily, weekly and monthly routine?
What playful, flirting, wooing behavior are you integrating into your daily, weekly and monthly routine?
What are you doing to keep things inviting, exciting, spicy?
How are you showing your partner they are a priority?
How are you stretching to take the relationship to the next level…?
You see how the mere dreaming, imagining of what you’d like and how you can start creating it gets the juices flowing? Notice, that there is not one mention of what your partner is doing. Notice, howthe focus is on what you do. Notice, that you have power to be who/how you want to be and create the relationship you want? Isn’t this exciting?!
ASSIGNMENT: Make a date with yourself to sit in contemplation, without distractions, and create your Relationship Vision and what to Visualize about it.
Place your Vision where you can review it frequently.
Integrate a habit of Visualization into your Daily Routine to really prime your brain into integrating You 2.0 into how you show up to your relationship.
These will give your brain the instructions to create the relationship you desire…
Take this a step further, take two actions to address any of your Visualization items…
Great relationships definitely don’t just happen! They take intentionality and mindfulness from the partners to consistently nurture and enrich it… Focus on what you do only…
Give yours a nice dose of attention this Love Season!
Stay tuned for next week’s issue, Part2 of this 3-Part Series on Enhancing Love in Your Relationship!
Complete the Assignment, and share your takeaway, insights, and results with a note in the Comments box at the end! I’d love to hear how you are using this content.
Happy Visioning!
Copyright (c) 2020 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
As we embark on a new era… I want you to come along… I want your life to continue to become better and better as well. I want us to continue to Design and enjoy our Best Life. I want us to continue to have an amazing Human Experience and for it to get better every day.
Now, I know that the holidays are tough for most… I also know that even though we are all pumped with the New Year, the new decade!, that in a few weeks people crash… I also know that people still have challenges and struggles in life… This is why I’m writing the current sequence, I’m getting to it – I promise!, to help you realign your relationship and kick-off the New Year with pizzazz!
But, I’m not naïve in thinking that a few blog posts are enough, though I try to give you so much, to help you change your life if you are feeling stuck and are struggling. This is why I want to offer you the opportunity to easily get support to help you over the hump. You can really make this your best year yet… How about it , will you let us help you?
Ok, and now on to Element4 of our Sequence for better implementing theSuccessful Couple Strategy™:
Element1 – Context & Mindset
Element2 – Communication & Alignment
Element3 – Clarity & Dynamics
Element4 – Connection & Intimacy
Element5 – Collaboration & Partnership
Today’s topic – Stopping the disconnect by getting your swag on. Aside from not moving forward in the relationship, not feeling supported, not getting along and arguing a lot, feeling disconnected from our partner is a top contender for couples not feeling satisfied and happy in their relationship, and in their life…
Feeling disconnected is a real tough one, it eats at your soul… Where there is fighting there is passion. But with disconnect there is deeper, black, gut wrenching pain…
Disconnect breeds feelings of aloneness, loneliness, rejection, unworthiness, despair, hopelessness which in turn trigger anxiety and depression, and other goodies… I’ll spare you the heaviness of presenting this topic from this angle. But know that all this is very serious and dangerous to our wellbeing. Feeling disconnected is not to be taken lightly.
I want to address the topic instead from my usual lighter and more practical angle to prompt your shift… I offer an alternate perspective to how you might usually look at things, that keeps you stuck… When you change your usual lens, you can more easily realign and create the changes you seek… You can more easily get out of your own way… You can effortlessly invite, allow, and cocreate what you Desire…
This is the gentle, loving and compassionate way of saying you contribute to your disconnect… Hang on if you had a reaction just then… Don’t shoot the messenger! LOL I know that when we feel disconnected we usually blame our partner for it… We claim they are too busy.
They don’t care as much as we do. They are insensitive and don’t have feelings. They are too arrogant. They are narcissistic… I’m not taking away from any of these. They are probably true! So what!?
These do not mean you cannot have a caring, loving, satisfying and happy relationship with your partner. This just means you have work to do… This means there is a reason you attracted and are with this partner… If this is what you got, this is what you need…
This is your second chance at getting what you didn’t get back then… [Refer to the last issue/post] Hey, again, don’t shoot the messenger. You can always choose to try again with someone else. But, while we are here, we might as well try it my way. Ok? What have you got to lose?
When we feel disconnected from our partner is because we are choosing to focus on everything our partner is doing wrong… We think, and even usually vocalize, how we think they should be, operate, feel and the like. We go in their circle… We don’t followgood boundaries protocols…
When we are in their circle, we are not in ours… When we are in their circle, they feel crowded and shy away… When we are not in ours, we are disempowered and unattractive… Bam!
This is part of what creates disconnect… There are a lot of other factors but tackling this is the quickest way to start creating change… When we get out of our partner’s circle, they can stop withdrawing, running, hiding and the like. All of a sudden, they are more available and interested…
When we come back into our own circle, we feel amazing! For that’s where we are supposed to be. There is awesomeness in our circle. There is power and beauty in our circle. This is where we have Swag…
When we own ourselves, embody our Authentic, our Higher Self, and show up with our Best Self, then there is no chance in heck that our partner can ignore us, not be interested in us, not be attracted to us and not want to do everything for us… This is on us. We only get this when we don’t demand it… We only get this when we do Us…
And, then there wouldn’t be disconnect anyway… (Wink!)
ASSIGNMENT: By Golly, stop focusing on how your partner sucks and start focusing on how to do You better! That’s it. Seriously. It’s time to stop whining and start owning your life. What can you take on by the horns? It’s a New Year.
It can be a New You if you mean business. It’s time. Get off the sidelines and get in the game. It’s time for a new Relationship (with your partner), a new Life. And, it all starts with You. Change the focus to your Self and how to continue to become your Best Self.
When you have You, there is no disconnect… When you have you, your Partner has you… This is where the disconnect goes away… Enjoy You, and enjoy a newfound Connection…
Next week’s issue is the last of the Series. Don’t miss it! I’ll be covering how create a Strong Partnership in the New Year! Here is to our Best Year Yet!!
Complete the Assignment, and share your takeaway, insights, and results with a note in the Comments box at the end! I’d love to hear how you are using this content.
Happy Connecting!
Copyright (c) 2019 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
As we embark on this long holiday weekend kicking off the Summer, it is the perfect time to ponder upon what kind of Summer we’d like to have… By now most choices for academic and extracurricular activities for the next school year have also been completed, as we wrap up this year.
By now enrollment to Summer camps, programs and the like have been completed. And, by now vacations, trips, and experiences for the Summer have most likely also been chosen and even booked.
So, what’s left to do to enjoy the Summer, you ask? Well, as far as I’m concerned:
Select a Theme or Focus for the Summer – Even though we look at the Summer as a time of leisure, we tend to nonetheless pack it with activities… There is nothing wrong with being active and pursuing fun things. But, as usual, I caution the overpacking it in…
So, even if you have an exceptional funnest Summer Bucket List, don’t kill yourself doing all the items on the list. Use the list as inspiration and idea holder. The Theme or Focus can thus be: Relaxation. Leisure. Ease. Restful. Quiet. Pampering. Open. Free. Under-committed. Unscheduled. (More on Focus Terms™)
Select a Summer Project/s – I find so much inspiration during the Summer months. I believe the more ease, openness and spaciousness (from the usual, anyway) lends itself to more creativity… We get all juiced up to start Autumn and the “new (school) year” reaching for the Stars.
Summer is the perfect time to pursue a creative outlet, personal project, or personal development strategy as we tend to be more personally focused… But even a work, career, business or professional project is fun to take on as repose begets innovation…
Select the Experience to be had – And, by this I don’t mean having an activity type of experience, like going on a Safari (put that on your bucket list!). By this one I mean, how do you want to Feel during the Summer? How do you want to Experience, how do you want it to be like? What kind of memories would you want to make? What would make it memorable? What would make it exceptional? What would you want to be able to Memorialize?
After these, you are truly ready for the Summer. I find that if we are not intentional, time passes us by, and we don’t get to milk our moments for all they are worth. Don’t just saunter in, keep on as usual, and then regret you missed out on more fun. And, again, more fun doesn’t mean being loaded with more activities. It means enjoying the ones you do… Be selective. Be proactive. Be intentional.
Assignment: Do your Selecting this weekend. Choose how you want to Memorialize this Summer. Check out the Related Issues of Interest below to have a real intentional approach to this Summer.
Now is the time. Set up your Summer approach now and all you have to do later is to Enjoy!
Complete the Assignment, and share your takeaway, insights, and results with a note in the Comments box at the end! I’d love to hear how you are using this content.
Copyright (c) 2019 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
Something that is amazingly striking is how vulnerable we are in all aspects of our humanness. And, how hard we can be on ourselves (and with others!) to top it off! In the stories I hear through the work, and also in plain old conversations with people, I hear the constant criticism, lack mentality, negativity, focus on what’s “wrong”, and the like. Gosh, it makes for an awful stay in that mental space rental. LOL
The self-deprecation, and focus on how our partner sucks, it’s so thick it can be cut with a knife. It’s interesting how challenging it is to bypass the Negativity Bias… It’s even more interesting that we love taking the concept to the next level (sarcasm). Obviously, we are not doing it on purpose. And, even the most evolved might still have moments where they succumb to the lure.
But what I work on for myself and teach our clients, is to be as mindful and intentional as possible, as consistently as possible, to counter this. But even embracing this practice can be challenging for some…
Have you ever noticed that you might have cracked the code on something, found a great life hack, or some other worthy morsel, but when you try to share the wealth it is not accepted, it’s actually not even received well?
The main reason for this is that we have a program running in the background that doesn’t allow us to deviate from it… Even if it’s good for us. The program doesn’t recognize it as good. If a deviation from the norm is detected, it considers it a bug, virus, threat and goes about eradicating it… It’s like having a firewall and malware installed in our server! Nothing will get through until we change the software, permissions, settings, or code…
This programming is subconscious, and it’s literally wired into our nervous system… All the messaging and experiences growing up impacted how we wired our (embodied) brain, which in turn informs our chemistry, personality, defense mechanism, sensitivities, etc… Not for nothing it isn’t easy to receive constructive criticism, feedback, advise and resources… We are built to protect ourselves from any threats to the status quo, from change!
I know this might sound like a lost cause, but if it was the likes of me wouldn’t have a profession! It is not hopeless, it is not impossible, it is not absurd. Change can happen. We just need to be smart about our approach. We can’t muscle our way through. We can’t solve it as a logical problem. We can’t ignore it in hopes it goes away on its own, it won’t. We just need to target the program… for once we get through, voila!!
The key is to be intentional and proactive about this… This approach to evolving ourselves is not for the faint of heart. If you want it you can have it, but you have to invest in yourself… And, therein lies the grub. This is part of the catch 22 and why not everybody is evolved already. It’s hard to invest in yourself when your programming is running ramped against change!
The trick? Be gentle. Sneak up on yourself… If you are in therapy, or other supportive service, you probably noticed that your therapist doesn’t beat you into change… That your therapist is loving, nurturing, accepting and challenges you just enough at the right time to get in… That they offer you a different experience, and techniques and tools, to assist the reprogramming…
Piggybacking on last week’s issue, on Nurturing is not just for mothers, here is a call to nurture yourself also… This is a reprogramming strategy (ReParenting Yourself, Mothering Yourself…). Evolving ourselves can be pretty simple if we mean it, if we really want to evolve and have our best human experience… This doesn’t have to be mysterious or difficult. A strategy can be as simple as Nurturing…
But do beware of the sentinel against change… Even do nurturing gently… Sometimes we go all gung-ho about a new selfcare routine, new service, new nurturing toy or such, to very quickly put it to the side or “lose interest”. Sneak in the goodness. Integrate it slowly. Take your time. Just know that nice and steady wins the race…
Assignment: Make a list of all feel good activities, gestures, treats, and the like. For example, getting a massage is pretty high on my list. They can be as simple as making yourself a cup of tea during key times of the day, to embracing a meditation practice, to taking yourself to a spa retreat in some obscure part of the world.
This is your list, anything goes. Don’t judge, don’t sensor. Make a nice list. Then as your programming allows, integrate items to your hearts content…
Be gentle. Be kind. Be nice. Be accepting. Be loving. Be You to yourself!
Complete the Assignment below, and share your takeaway, insights, and results with a note in the Comments box at the end! I’d love to hear how you are using this content.
Copyright (c) 2019 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
First, if you are a Mom, sending you lots of love and appreciation for all you do and endure as a Mom… Second, if you are not a Mom, I’m sure there is a Mom in your life that you can Celebrate… And, third, we all have a Mother inside us to whatever extent. It’s part of the human condition to Care…
This is a perfect time to review how we are doing in the Caring department. How are we being amazing (not perfect) Moms to our children? How are we being amazing Caring individuals to the ones we love? How do we show care, tenderness, nurturing? How do we show up so that others know we Care?
Sometimes our intentions are misread, misheard, or misinterpreted… This happens more often than not. Whether it happens or not depends on a myriad of reasons:
The context – There could be a hurried, stressed, anxious, overwhelmed, hungry, tired, or such state by the sending or receiving party in the interaction that whatever is put out doesn’t come out or land well.
Our agenda – We can have the best of intentions to do something nice for someone, but it can be driven by our own needs and therefore might not match the needs or desires of the person we are trying to show Care.
Our style – Sometimes we mean well and it meets the need of the intended recipient, but our approach is lacking. We might be overbearing, pushy, critical, controlling, demanding, flashy, or the opposite, quiet, unassuming, simple, too practical, low key, undemonstrative, standoffish, etc. Either way it’s a challenge to receive what we put out.
Their script – Additionally, regardless of what we are doing the other person is using their lens to receive us. They have a preconceived notion about us, different expectations, their own narrative about life and the world. They’ll experience and interpret as they are programmed…
This plays a huge role in relationship with people and specially in relationship with our Partner. It is very interesting to be the witness if you may in Couple Therapy. From as much of a neutral stance that is possible, we (Therapists) are able to hear the partners’ messages how they are intended.
Though they might come out or land crooked, which is immediately evident by the other’s reaction… The same thing said by the Therapist is usually received better!
It is imperative that each Partner, or in the case of other relationships that both parties, mind their own side of the interaction: Taking care of their own state, taking care of their motivation and how they show up, and being mindful of the other person’s sensitives as best they can.
Our goal is to be our best Human Self… Part of that is being nice, caring, loving, and the like. It is our job to do that well. This does not mean Loving/Caring too Much as in being Codependent… Find out if you are Loving/Caring too Much HERE!
Our job is to show care appropriately, so that others feel the Care. If they are running from us or complaining they don’t get enough then our approach needs tweaking…
The best way to give targeted Care is by giving care in their Love Language and by giving it from our own circle, from us owning ourselves (not them!). Doing for others what they can do for themselves is part of being codependent… This is disempowering for the person we are supposedly caring for, and extremely frustrating in the end for the person delivering the so call “care”.
Assignment: Take stock of how Caring you are being, if you are being Amazing, codependent or sucky… Identify the main area (context, agenda, style or script) that usually gets you. Identify what you need to tweak about your approach. Identify 3 specific things to change, decide to change them, and go for it.
Any tweaking you do will have a major impact. People are sensitive to how we relate to them. If we show up differently, they’ll notice… Sometimes our shift is more internal than external, and it takes a while for it to become visible others. Don’t get mad at them if they don’t notice your efforts… Just keep doing your side…
Step up the good/appropriate Care you give others in your life. This can include simple appreciation and gratefulness for what they do and who they are… Doing this in and of itself is also good for you. With gratitude your brain goes into a different state, a feeling good state. Generosity, gratitude, kindness and such are related to our sense of Happiness. Everybody wins!
Enjoy the Care you give!
Share your takeaway, insights, and results by leaving a comment below! I’d love to hear how you are using this content.
Copyright (c) 2019 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
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Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT has been in the mental health profession in varying capacities for the past 20+ years. She is the Founder and Director of metrorelationship.com a psychotherapy and coaching practice specializing in working with busy professional and entrepreneurial couples who are struggling getting on the same page and feeling connected. The work helps couples create a radiant and successful relationship and meaningful life by becoming a strong partnership and increasing their connection, intimacy, and fun. Emma is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Relationship Strategy™.
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