This brings us to our current topic lineup. So far, we’ve covered aspects of Repeating Patterns (from Element3-Clarity & Dynamics), Communication (from Element2-Communication & Alignment), and Boundaries(from Element1-Context & Mindset) in our Successful Couple Strategy™… Repeating Patterns tend to kick relationships in the butt. Dissatisfying and reactive patterns that is.
This is where partners feel stuck, get discouraged and potentially give up. But, these patterns CAN be changed, and more satisfying, nurturing and collaborative ones can be created in their stead… The trick is to own what WE contribute to the stuckness, and focus on reprogramming our own stuff and stepping up how we show up…
Today’s topic is on Connection. Feeling connected, belonging, is at the core of our basic human needs (after physiological and security needs are met). This is a fundamental need that is a strong driver in our life. We don’t feel Ok if we don’t feel connected, and like we belong. This of course goes beyond our primary romantic relationship.
Though feeling connected within the relationship with our partner makes that relationship so much more meaningful, satisfying, rewarding, and even powerful… Being fully connected with our partner allows us to tap into the relationship’s inherent Synergy…
There is a caveat though. It is very challenging to properly connect with someone else, including our partner, if we are not connected to our Self first…
And, I don’t mean in any kind of superficial, selfish, arrogant, narcissistic kind of way… I mean connected to our Higher Self, Higher Consciousness (secular view), Super Conscious (spiritual view)… This is where the ultimate and most powerful connection of all is… When we connect at this level everything else is possible…
I was recently checking in with myself about when I am the most Happy. The answer immediately came that I’m the most Happy when I’m with clients… Translated/extrapolated version: I’m the most Happy when I’m grounded, present, and fluid in whatever I’m doing – when I’m connected to my Higher Self…
For after the initial answer, I recognized that state across other areas of my life… This is not an easy state to reach, and sustain…, unless we are practiced at it… And, even then we can be subject to get thrown off. Doesn’t it make sense then that for those that are not practiced how challenging it is to easily connect to their Higher Self and others?
This means that to have a Successful Relationship and Meaningful Life, it is imperative that we learn to Connect with our Higher Self… That we make connecting to our Self an intentional daily practice. That we don’t make this a luxury item in our life to do when we are able to find time for it… This is not a luxury, this is a must to have our best human experience and best life!
Otherwise we’d live our life bumping around and in reactivity. That is not Living… Let’s live the full expression of our Self by fully accessing all of our Self… From this higher state we Connect much more easily and lovingly with those around us, including our partner. This is how we CAN create our amazing relationship, no matter its current state…
Assignment: Take a look at your current daily routine and unapologetically make time to Connect with your Self… Make time for a Mindfulness Practice… This is one of the best Success Habits you can implement into your life, for rest flows from here…
This is a life changing concept. Change your state, connect with your Self, Align, and Then…
Complete the Assignment, and share your takeaway, insights, and results with a note in the Comments box at the end! I’d love to hear how you are using this content.
Copyright (c) 2019 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
Last issue covered aspects of Communication(from Element2-Communication & Alignment in our Successful Couple Strategy™), the prior covered Boundaries (from Element1-Context & Mindset)… Communication is such an important part of a successful relationship.
It is a very basic skill that most partners botch in their relating. They are not aware of all the different things that impact their communication and getting on the same page. They are left butting heads and hurting each other instead of really getting, accepting and supporting each other.
But having amazing skills at setting effective Boundaries and mindful Communication in and of themselves is not enough to ensure you create your successful relationship and meaningful life… Not everything in relationship is as obvious and practical as this. A lot of what plays out in relationship is actually informed by not so conscious processes… These are just but the tip of the iceberg!
Most of what happens in interactions with our partner, and observe and entertain in our relationship, is influenced by subconscious and unconscious programming…
Where the subconscious is riddled by unattended scripts and limiting believes (can be directly reprogrammed), and the unconscious is how we organized ourselves psychologically and biologically (can be indirectly reprogrammed)… Being clueless to these forces is like traveling our Journey like Mr. Magoo drives his car
These processes are our human operating system. When they are not intentionally managed, they glitch and hold us back from living our efficient, productive, and rewarding life… When we don’t know what’s installed, what’s outdated, what’s redundant and such, our system doesn’t properly support our best life at best and undermines it, even crashes it, at worst…
This is when we are witness to basic levels of success, poor health, mental illness & emotional symptoms, addictions, misbehaved children, relationship breakdown and other not so pretty by-products…
Having Clarity as to what is going on deep inside ourselves and in turn what we are cocreating with our partner, and others, is the first step in really fully owning our life…
We can learn all the skills we want and get the best help in fixing problems or taking care of tasks, but if we don’t do this deeper piece the operating system is still going to glitch… You are still going to create dynamics in your relationship that undermine its success and experience recurring negative patterns in all areas of your life…
Attention to Personal Development and Healing must be a prerogative in our life for us to hack our system and be in charge of it. It is of utmost importance for us to instruct and utilize our system to its highest potential… We don’t get in a car and expect to immediately be where we want to be (at least that technology hasn’t been invented yet!).
First, we make sure it is working properly and has gas. Then, we know where we are going and how we want to get there, might even put that in the GPS. This is how we get to where we want to go when traveling roads, why should it be any different when traveling our Journey…
We hack our subconscious when we address our limiting beliefs.
We hack our unconscious when we address our wounding (unresolved impact from imperfect childhood).
When we don’t intentionally and proactively do this, we are allowing ourselves to ride our lives not firing on all cylinders… We operate from triggers and defenses creating patterns and circularity in our relationship that doesn’t work for us or our partner. We don’t create the relationship we desire. We feel stuck and dissatisfied.
The key to this is to stretch and integrate ourselves and mindfully, intentionally, and appropriately address all our needs… This requires better learning ourselves and our partner and being proactive about our Life…
Whenever you get stuck white-knuckling an issue in your relationship, find the same complaint consistently coming up, persistently butting heads with your partner on a topic(s), or practical solutions don’t stick – something deeper is at work and it behooves you to get to the bottom of it in order to make the changes you want.
This doesn’t mean going to hang out in the past, dredging up everything that ever went wrong or processing stuff at nauseam. This means to decidedly address your operating system to ensure you live your best life and have your best human experience.
Assignment: Take an observer stance in your relationship and identify what are your themes, recurring issues and fights, and circular relating (dynamics) that get you. The purpose of this is to increase awareness in your relationship and prompt you to start addressing the drivers. It’s up to you to empower yourself to do something about them… Don’t just sit with the awareness, it is not enough. Start proactively resetting your operating system…
Well, if last issue was not for the faint of heart, this one certainly is not. This one requires a strong desire to not live a mediocre life and to be able and willing to do what it takes to not settle… This one requires you to mean to have your best human experience. You might not care to and that’s your prerogative. But if you do, Gosh, get to it with gusto already!
Complete the Assignment, and share your takeaway, insights, and results with a note in the Comments box at the end! I’d love to hear how you are using this content.
Copyright (c) 2019 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
Last issue covered Boundaries… A hugely important concept that we address in Element1-Context & Mindset, in our Successful Couple Strategy™… Boundary bridges show up everywhere in our life if we are attentive in making sure we lovingly hold our ground and take care of ourselves…
Sometimes this is challenging to do when there aren’t clear preferences, expectations, definitions, understanding within and for ourselves, and with others… This is an issue for partners when they don’t explore and share how they want their joint life to be. When they don’t set clear roles, rules, responsibilities and the like. They might not have clear routines, habits, chores, workflow, budget, accounts, access, tools and resources, etc.
Also, partners might struggle getting on the same page due to different gender characteristics, personality, history, skills, culture and a host of other variables inherent in a romantic relationship. These impact communication style and tendencies which in turn impact how well the relationship operates and meets the partners’ needs…
Partners usually have different, and very commonly opposite communication styles. In a very crude nutshell, usually one prefers to talk and the other one doesn’t… The opposite styles can trigger the partners when their preferences are pursued against the other’s wishes…
If one wants to talk and the other doesn’t, the first partner might feel neglected, abandoned, rejected, unappreciated and the like. And, the second partner might feel suffocated, micromanaged, criticized, controlled and the like.
This can escalate into fights where the first becomes more aggressive and the second shuts down more and more, even leaves…
There are 4 characteristics to these styles that make them deadly for relationships (Why Marriages Succeed or Fail):
Criticism
Defensiveness
Stonewalling
Contempt
Where Contempt is a strong predictor of future breakup/divorce! This is because it doesn’t just pick at the other and stops the flow of communication and connection like the others do. It degrades and feels so degrading that the damage is practically irrevocable…
It is paramount that we mind how we show up to interactions with our partner and don’t take for granted how we express ourselves… Become a strong monitor of your communication habits and proactively and swiftly address these today. Your relationship’s success literally depends on it!
Assignment: Become a detective and be on the lookout for any signs of Contempt in how you communicate and relate with your partner.
Clean up any of these habits immediately
Address any messages (impact) you might have inadvertently bestowed upon your partner…
Address the underlying need not being met that is driving this characteristic…
This Assignment is not for the faint of heart, and a lot is riding on this one. Be persistent in eradicating Contempt, and yet gentle with yourself so you can properly stay the course… Make this one really count!
Complete the Assignment, and share your takeaway, insights, and results with a note in the Comments box at the end! I’d love to hear how you are using this content.
Copyright (c) 2019 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
Piggybacking on last week’s issue about letting go, deconstructing, and continuing to streamline. No such venture is done well without setting proper effective boundaries…
It’s funny, whenever I cover this topic with clients or in discussion with people, they all seem to believe that setting boundaries means being a jerk. They think they have to be strict and tough, and make a statement to others about what’s tolerable and such…
But the effective way to set boundaries is to apply them to ourselves… Setting effective boundaries has to go with what we are willing or not willing to tolerate. It has to do with how we carry ourselves. What we are willing to take on. How we are willing to use our time. What we allow to come into our space and our sphere of influence. How we allow others to treat us. How we treat ourselves. How we meet our needs.
Boundaries apply to all areas of our life – they even apply to how we do food and other shopping, how we eat and what we put in our bodies, how we establish our sleep routine, how we do décor and accessories in our home, how we use our electronics, how we show up in our online and other social activities.
How we stay connected with our friends and family, how affectionate we are, how generous, how forthcoming, how transparent and accountable, how we make and use our money, and so on.
Boundaries encapsulate the essence of us and everything that has to do with us and how we do our Life…
We need Boundaries to:
Define us – What is me and not me, shows where I end and another begins provides proper sense of ownership [fenced in yard]
Protect us – Keep nurturing in, harm out [have barb and gate on the fence]
Empower us – Clarifies what to own, gives freedom [can do with yard as wish]
Organize us – Responsible to others and for ourselves, carry our own load and can help others with theirs but it is still theirs [responsibilities with yard]
Promote us – Taking responsibility opens up options! [can show off yard and entertain]
Preserve us (purpose and mission) – Holds us true to our values [can create lifestyle we want]
Affirm us – We get to authentically show up and shine [win best yard of the neighborhood award]
How are your boundaries? Is there chaos, overwhelm, drama, frustration, anxiety, and anger in your life? Is there stuckness, lack of progress, dissatisfaction, feeling lost or always behind the 8 ball, depression and sadness? Do you feel you are too nice and do too much? Do you feel alone, unsupported or a lack of belonging? Do you feel incompetent, unaccomplished or unimportant?
Learning to set effective boundaries and own yourself better makes a huge difference… When you learn these skills your life becomes a whole new experience… All of a sudden you are moving forward with ease, being more productive, getting better results, enjoying your life and all that’s in it a lot more, and enjoying your every moment.
Assignment: How about making setting more effective boundaries a priority in your life? Where will you start? Learn how to set effective boundaries and start setting them. Here is ALL you need to know!
Notice what comes up for you and around you as you embark on this life changing journey, and address it… Take charge of your life today!
Complete the Assignment, and share your takeaway, insights, and results with a note in the Comments box at the end! I’d love to hear how you are using this content.
Happy Boundary Setting!
Copyright (c) 2020 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
Are you enjoying more freedom and peace of mind this Summer? That is what Summer is all about… Freedom from the usual and the opportunity to Be… When was the last time you had a large chunk of time to do nothing? To just chill? To get in touch with your lightheartedness and ease? To play and frolic…
I’m afraid I usually hear from people how packed their summers end up being with all the extra programs, traveling and projects… Please do remember to build in down time for its own sake… In Spaciousness we Are… In Spaciousness we get energized, inspired, and enlightened…
Every so often I go through a deconstruction phase to rebuild differently and better… As you know, I consistently encourage releasing the extra and living a minimalist lifestyle… This doesn’t mean mediocre, settling, empty and such.
This means committing and pursuing the few to a grander standard… This means being selective about what you allow in your life and what benefits from your attention. This means that what you choose to invest in you do with real Gusto…
I’m going through another such phase… I love it when I’m here. Where intentionally and mindfully I release in a larger scale. This place is so empowering and energizing. Where with the release comes extra time, energy, bandwidth, focus, and the possibility for greater personal evolution… This is the opportunity to take the Journey to the next level…
Sometimes it’s a bumpy road to disengage from how things are. It might have the feel of burn out. It might feel reactive. It might be messy. It all depends on the context that’s being let go and the reason. Regardless, it is a necessary part of life to be able to go from caterpillar to butterfly. To shed our current skin to allow for growth…
Nobody ever said that change is easy. Nobody ever said that fully owning ourselves and what is best for our own evolution is easy. Nobody ever said that owning our magnificence and our place in the world is easy. Nobody ever said that living to our fullest potential is easy. It is darn scary!
We find all kinds of ways to get sidetracked, lose focus, distract ourselves and hold ourselves back unless we are super intentional about our approach to our own life… It is a scary proposition to fully own ourselves and live to our fullest potential. To do what we are meant to do. To play a bigger game… To live life above fear… It is our duty to make the most of our life…
If we work together privately, we’ve also been expanding your comfort zone and Transcending your limiting beliefs… We are working on engaging and operating from your intentional, empowered, connected Higher Self (compassion), not your reactive, chaotic/controlling, separate lower/small self (ego)… We’ve been working on fully living our spiritual human experience…
I invite you to consider how else you can simplify your life… You don’t need to do a major overhaul and full deconstruction, but you can steadily strive to create more Spaciousness… You’ll be amazed at what comes of that… You can explore the essentialist, minimalist, and such concepts to assist you…
You don’t have to do it in any particular prescribed way or follow anyone’s particular approach or formula. Just listen to your heart and start living your more meaningful and impactful life… Own your Self.
Assignment: Select a commitment, habit, routine, activity, plan, project, etc. that you can exit gracefully… Don’t dump or ghost. This creates chaos… This energy doesn’t serve anyone… Release with integrity, intentionality and mindfulness. Be true to your Higher Self. Transition out even when ruthlessly exiting things in your life. Feel good about your process and your journey.
Let this Summer be the start of a new beginning… Have your best Summer yet!!
Complete the Assignment, and share your takeaway, insights, and results with a note in the Comments box at the end! I’d love to hear how you are using this content.
Copyright (c) 2019 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
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Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT has been in the mental health profession in varying capacities for the past 20+ years. She is the Founder and Director of metrorelationship.com a psychotherapy and coaching practice specializing in working with busy professional and entrepreneurial couples who are struggling getting on the same page and feeling connected. The work helps couples create a radiant and successful relationship and meaningful life by becoming a strong partnership and increasing their connection, intimacy, and fun. Emma is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Relationship Strategy™.
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