Last month of 2020! Let’s make it a good one! In this context, making it a good one means making the rest of the Holiday Season as magical as they can be, properly wrapping up this year, and setting up the new one for more success… Today’s topic is the first step in putting a bow on it and launching into the New Year with pizzaz. It includes how to properly do end-of-year, decluttering and minimalism to lay the groundwork for setting up the new year right…
The idea is to clear the decks, reduce the load, streamline, clean up, and eliminate all the excess and the unwanted – things, clutter, disorganization, food and other substances, responsibilities, commitments, projects, tasks, minutia, information, notifications, screen-time, and the like depending on our stage of life, family constitution, and lifestyle.
Pandemic and its implications aside, we live in interesting times. We live in a consumerism society and in the age of information. We are set up by default to be inundated with stuff and content. Unless we become amazing gatekeepers, these can take over our way of life and our very existence…
Taking on a minimalist mentality creates space, time and energy…
When we live in clutter and disorganization, we zap our own energy and kill our own time. Needless to say, that we live in less than aesthetically pleasing living spaces and have no space for the New… The same goes for when we live with over commitment and other excess. How are we to properly pivot, reconstruct, make changes, get more results, create more awesomeness when there is no wiggle way to maneuver, never mind make major desired Shifts?
So, this is why Step1 is embracing a minimalist mentality to help us reset and create the space, time and energy for something better, for the new, for the shift, for the Transformation…
My take on the minimalism / essentialism: This can be done and embraced to whatever extent you like that serves your life. In my opinion anything too extreme in either direction on anything creates imbalance… Therefore, you don’t have to overdue this where you end up living in an empty house or such a basic life that you miss out the Human Experience… But, you do want to eliminate anything and everything that gets in your way or holds you back from your True Self and creating the life you desire…
You are encouraged to do this in a way that best suits you and your life. The goal is to unencumber you of the excess in your life that holds you back… Here is a great video for avoiding minimalism pitfalls and ideas that make this concept so much more challenging than it has to be. Do minimalism your way!
For the purpose of this post and our end-of-year process, we want to do a high-level clearing of the noise in our life… You can go about this as a20 Day Declutter Challenge. Loving me some 20 day challenges this year in celebration of our 20th year practice anniversary! And, 20 days just fits really well with the length of time we have left to be productive this year… Here is a 30 Days To Minimalism guide you can tailor for yourself as you see fit.
When we embrace minimalism to whatever extent is appropriate for ourselves, we create extra margin, spaciousness and grace in our lifestyle that is super conducive for us showing up with our Best Self… When we are not triple booked, back2back, running on a chaotic schedule or runaway calendar, jammed packed with tasks and meetings, and having a gazillion pending to-dos, we have more space to operate and choose how we want to show up… Who we want to Be…
We can be more intentional and mindful. We can be more patient, accepting, present and compassionate. We can connect more easily… We can love more freely… We can live more passionately. We can create more luxuriously. We can actually be our Best Self, create our Best Relationship, and live our Best Life…
The basics in the next 20 Days:
~~ Declutter surfaces, corners, closets, shelves – Grab boxes to collect the items out of place in each room in your home. Do one room at a time gathering, sorting and putting away, throwing out or leaving in the box to donate. Schedule a donation pick-up…
~~ Silence the noise – mute or get rid of notifications, unsubscribe/leave lists, newsletters, forums, groups, programs, commitments, activities, and the like – cut off the excess fat!
~~ Get rid of the excess – food, alcohol, clothing, cosmetics, books, gadgets, appliances, electronics, supplies, equipment, instruments, tools, toys, games, apps, decorations and knick-knacks, etc.
~~ Clear a stuck project – Identify a project that’s been lingering for way too long that you don’t want to carry into the new year with you. Outline a plan for addressing and removing this energy suck from your life: Break it down into smaller to-dos and schedule them out to get it done. Or, delegate it or outsource it with very clear instructions, expectations, milestones and deadlines. Or, maybe simply just scrap it already!
~~ Clear a stuck situation – Identify a situation that you no longer want to tolerate. Decide whose problem it is, are you owning your circle and not others’? Do you need to set more effective boundaries or clarify expectations? Do you need to have a more difficult conversation? Is it time to leave, let go, make another radical change? Take one small action towards resolution… And, then another, and then another… Get support with this one!
Take charge of your physical, mental and relational space. Get rid of the stuff that no longer make sense, you are tired of, are in excess, have run their course, don’t give you joy, no longer serve you or actually undermine you… Less is better in most instances…
ASSIGNMENT: Whether you choose to tackle decluttering and minimalizing as a 20 Day Challenge or a couple of working sessions, the goal is to clear the way to more physical, mental, emotional and energetic space in your life…
Identify your approach
Identify the area that needs the most attention and will give you the most bang for your effort – Messes, noise, excess, stuck project, stuck situation
Identify your working times or sessions
Identify where you’ll start
Identify when you’ll start
Make a commitment to knock this out – feel the liberation, expansiveness, and joy you’ll feel when you finish and how you’ll be ready to tackle anything after this!
Decluttering and minimalizing your life is an amazing end-of-year tactic to clear the old and pave the way for the new…
Copyright (c) 2020 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Couple Strategy™ that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly connection notes in your inbox with Personal Development and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com
The Holiday Season is here! This time of year is usually challenging regardless of how crazy the world is out there. What makes this season usually more challenging is that we trip into it and get sucked into the hecticness. This sets us up for chaos, being stretched too thin, overwhelm, drama, and too much noise. Where we end up neglecting, and even abusing, ourselves trying to get it all done or managing what comes up… This is the perfect formula for us to turn to numbing for coping with stress during the holidays…
When we turn to numbing, we actually make things worse…
Stress during the holidays has to do with:
How much there is to do. We usually have full plates and then add all the holidays tasks to it.
Wrapping up the year professionally or in our business. We have goals to meet for projects and revenue.
Taking stock of where we are. The end-of-year and being witnessed by others more closely showcases are achievements or lack thereof.
Managing family dynamics. At minimum, we have family members needs and preferences to consider. Most have other drama and trauma to contend with us well.
Triggering memories, expectations, and any lack-consciousness we might have. We have additional expenses, we have worthiness issues, we have codependency issues and a lot more.
This basic list is enough to highlight why this time is so rough. There is so much going on practically, mentally and emotionally… I tackled some of the practical and mental side of things in the last blog post. Today, I want to focus on the emotional side to help you better cope during this intense time.
~ We can be preventative by not getting sucked into the season’s nuttiness unprepared which creates more drama, busyness and overwhelm. ~ We can be preventative by designing our holiday and year-end experience, so we stay grounded and cool as the season progresses. ~ We can be preventative by choosing how we want to experience the season and embodying the choice.
We can do an amazing job of all this, and we’d be way ahead of the game, yet we might still experience negative feelings and get triggered…
And, what usually happens is that we go into survival mode and employ our usual defense mechanisms to weather the storm.
We might go into:
Overdrive to get things done neglecting to take care of our basic needs. We might neglect our sleep, eating, hydration, exercise. Never mind sustaining our rich self-care practice…
Autopilot and go through the motions just to check-off the list, meet expectations and responsibilities, and/or to just get through it…
Shutdown mode where we are barely functioning and let ourselves and others down.
Through this we are trying not to feel the awful feelings we might be feeling, and so additionally turn to behaviors and coping mechanisms of the numbing nature. These can take on many forms… They don’t have to be the usual drinking, drugging, eating, and spending.
The Numbing Coping can also take on the form of: Excessing shopping, looking for deals, going down rabbit holes with email offers, online-surfing, hanging-out in social channels, binge watching Netflix, YouTube or other entertainment platform, binging on pornography, cleaning, grooming, organizing, and so on… You might seem to be having an OCD attack. LOL
The pursuit of these activities not only give us comfort as they give us easy access to the feel-good hormones, but they keep our attention otherwise engaged… This means we can’t feel our actual feelings and don’t have space or attention to address what is creating the feelings… Additionally when we operate this way, we lose motivation to go get it, as we have a feel-good source though temporary and not meaningful. When we cope with numbing, we end up creating more issues for ourselves.
Numbing Coping is what zaps our zest for life!
When we turn to numbing as our coping mechanism on a consistent basis, this becomes part of our MO. We essentially mute ourselves, deprive ourselves of our motivation and drive, shut ourselves off from our internal resources, become disconnected from our Higher Self, from our loved ones and from the world. We become robotic in our daily life, actually missing out on our Human Experience…
I get it’s not easy to experience the possibility of our full range of emotions… I get it’s not easy to feel what comes up, learn from it and make the changes we desire. I get it’s not easy to actually choose and create the feelings and experience we prefer and are after…
This doesn’t mean it’s impossible. I know it’s a foreign concept to some that we can actually choose how we want to feel and feel it… That we create not only with our doing, but primarily with our Being… That we can Be how we choose… That we are humbly that powerful…
We might not be able to flip the switch and all of a sudden be experts at this. It is not easy to break the numbing habit… But, we can make a commitment to actually live our life, we can start where we are, and we can go at it with gusto.
This means you enlist your support system for encouragement, resources and the holding you might need. And, this might mean you get additional professional support if you are serious about cracking the code. Why take longer and struggle when you can benefit from an expert to make this easier?
Commit to being the owner and manager of your feelings and mood, so you don’t have to depend on the numbing coping and can actually engage in and enjoy your life to the fullest!
Start where you are:
Identify your preferred and miscellaneous numbing coping you use
Identify what you are numbing, what feelings you are avoiding
Identify what’s uncomfortable about those feelings, how they are familiar, what they bring up, what meaning you are giving that, how you victimize yourself, how you disempower yourself
Identify the secondary gain of not feeling your feelings, how you maintain the status quo, how you keep yourself stuck…
Please note that this level of awareness, and exposure even to yourself, creates vulnerability. You might feel a bit wobbly after doing this exercise. Reward yourself for your courage and strength with some natural, recharging and meaningful pampering.
This work in and of itself is huge. You’ll feel liberation and empowerment.
The next step is to take action toward replacing the numbing coping with a healthy habit or behavior, and a tweaked daily routine or plan that is less triggering… Now you are ready for your deeper work to handle this for good…
First things first. Plant a flag and start with soothing the current emotions and addressing immediate triggers. Then, set yourself up to take care of your deeper work so you do make your lasting change and live the life you want…
ASSIGNMENT: Let’s keep it really simple, shall we?
First – Do the practical preventative aspects of planning out the holidays and the year-end so you minimize the stress…
Second – Take stock of how you tend to numb, commit to feeling your feelings instead and manage them properly (self-care practices are the key)…
Third – Make a commitment to doing the deeper work so you are not so susceptible to triggers and not feeling well…
When you choose to not numb out as part of your repertoire in life but instead to deal with your life, you are actually living your life… Woot!
Make a commitment to live an engaged and meaningful life! Start this holiday season, make it your business for 2021…
Copyright (c) 2020 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Couple Strategy™ that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly connection notes in your inbox with Personal Development and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com
We know the Holidays and year-end can be stressful and triggering. We deal with this every year. But now we have the added pressure of a raging pandemic added to the mix. We have the sensitivities and aftermath of a close and tumultuous election. We have the flavor of what 2020 has been hanging over our heads. Hey, it makes sense that holiday thoughts are stressing you out, probably a lot more than usual.
You might be experiencing a lot of angst and have already encountered tough decision moments. Or, you haven’t given the holidays and year-end much thought yet. Either way whether you’ve been in it or will be in it and to whatever extent, do keep in mind that this is not our usual season. And, it might be super helpful to be extra intentional about going into the last bit of the year…
We don’t want to be blindsided. We don’t want to be kicked in the teeth with unpleasant surprises. We don’t want to be unprepared. We don’t want to get sucked into major drama. We don’t want to be victimized. We don’t want to make things worse for ourselves. We don’t want to end the year in a low note. We still want to make the best of 2020!
We can address this from two angles:
Logistics, practical and external – we can put our preventative, proactive and progressive hat on and get really creative and resourceful about how we go about the holidays and year-end. We can make as much or as little of the restrictions and impact facing us as we allow. We can work around them and make the best of things. It is what it is after all. The sooner we embrace that this is not our usual holiday season and treat it as such, the easier things will go.
When we resist and try to force things, it’s when we feel powerless and hopeless. This is the feeling we want to prevent by getting ahead of it. And, we can by thinking outside the box and using with situation as an opportunity to stretch ourselves and try out different things for fit…
This is an opportunity to have a real different holiday and year-end experience. Take advantage of it!
Meaning, emotional and internal – if you thought the above was challenging, then hang on to your panties. This is where the real angst is, this is what trips people up. The expectations, family dynamics, unresolved traumas and issues, and the meaning we assign everything… As soon as the holidays and year-end start approaching, some people’s heart increase their palpitations… Add to it this year’s extra pressures, fatigue and rawness. It can be tough.
The key here is to do the emotional preparedness side of things as you notice your dysregulation… You might notice your edginess, impatience, intolerance, less bandwidth, lack of focus, spinning, shortness of breath, pit in your stomach, cravings, insomnia, headaches, back pain, fatigue, and other emotional and physical states that don’t feel so great.
These are signs to take care of yourself and be intentional about how you proceed for a more pleasant and enjoyable experience…
Here are 3 tactics to help you ride the wave the rest of 2020:
~Be super intentional about how you want the holidays to go and make your plans accordingly. Use this opportunity to have different holidays, why not make them positively memorable.
~Be super intentional about being preventative and proactive to minimize drama and triggers. Identify what usually triggers you during this time and address the root cause, why not be more diligent in taking care of yourself.
~Be super intentional about successfully wrapping up the year. Decide what’s important to you to tackle and accomplish before the end of the year, why not end 2020 with a bang.
We are usually great at piling it on and tackling the world’s problems. We want to make sure in general, and especially now with everything that is going on, that we go at it with ease. That our intentionality helps us set effective boundaries, so we don’t over pile it on. That it helps us be preventative and proactive about our wellness and resilience. That it helps us create joy, meaning and connection.
If we are intentional about our approach to the rest of the year, we’ll create what we desire. The key is to get ahead of it, not wing it or do it by default.
ASSIGNMENT: Choose the area that is giving you the most angst and tackle it with gusto:
The practical side of the holidays – make them different and memorable, why not Emotional side of the holidays – get to the root of your triggers, why not Accomplishing goals by year-end – go for the gold, why not
Life is what you make of it. Make it a good one!
This time of year is usually challenging for people without all the added layers 2020 brings to it. Don’t allow yourself to fall victim to the restrictions and any gloom. You can create a beautiful ending anyway…
Copyright (c) 2020 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Couple Strategy™ that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly connection notes in your inbox with Personal Development and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com
With only two months left to 2020, still pending election results, a ranging pandemic and looming holidays, life can feel pretty stressful right about now. Our plates are full as usual and then some. We are still trying to recoup the year, weather this pandemic, and get stronger footing in our life. The positive coping necessary to actually thrive during this time becomes elusive under these uncertain times and sustained stress. The drama and pain in uncertainty can be pretty debilitating.
Uncertainty in terms of not knowing what to expect for certain things in our everyday life is a good thing as it keeps us on our toes and keeps things fresh. Remember during the lockdown, the monotony was driving some people batty? The way their day would go was too certain…
Therefore, all uncertainty is not necessarily bad. What’s troubling is the uncertainty that is associated with big ticket items and life events. And, sometimes even with not big things but things that are important to us…
Uncertainty in some contexts can be terrible, as we’ve been experiencing: Not knowing when the lockdown would be over Not knowing what the economy will do Not knowing who will win the election Not knowing when we’ll have a vaccine And, so on in our current public world…
Then you have things like: Not knowing the results of a biopsy Not knowing the prognosis of an illness Not knowing when a hiring freeze will lift Not knowing if bonuses will be given out Not knowing how to plan for the holidays Not knowing how to entertain our children And, so on in our private life…
And, then we have relationship concerns: Not knowing if our partner will leave Not knowing if our partner will agree to move in Not knowing if our partner will finally propose Not knowing if our partner will agree to plan the wedding Not knowing if our partner will agree to start planning a family And, so on in our relationship…
Because we don’t know what to expect, our brain keeps looking for information to ascertain the situation, assess for threats, and get instructions on next moves. It gets stuck in a repeating searching loop which can take on any flavor for each of us. It can take on the form of circular ruminating thinking, of compulsive evidence, fact or data searching, of questioning, interviewing, demanding answers, and the like… This is mentally, emotionally and physically exhausting!
When we don’t know what to expect, when we live in uncertainty, our existential instincts get triggered. At some level we are afraid for our very own survival… Well, then not for nothing people have been struggling. Not only are they having difficulties managing their mood and energy, how their days go, getting along with others, paying their bills, and such. They also have this unnamed, unidentified, underlying fear for their very own survival. This certainly takes a toll…
And, to top it off, if we have unprocessed past trauma, we are more susceptible and more likely to be easily triggered. This is when we are likely to experience more stress, frustration, irritability, anger, overwhelm, anxiety, sadness, grief, depression.
Our job to make sure we don’t suffer unnecessarily is to take charge of ourselves regardless of the situation we find ourselves in or the external circumstances going on… For example,
Election – We have no control on the results of the election and how the elected leaders will eventually carry out their duties. We do have control on how we choose to consume news, participate in social media, support our political party, show up in our community and with our fellow humans, how we embrace our purpose for income or revenue, how we safeguard our physical and mental health… Embracing a compassionate and unity mindset will take us a long way…
Holidays – We have no control on the course of the pandemic or how family members show up. We do have control over how we choose to celebrate, what traditions we’ll still uphold, how much money we’ll spend, how we’ll gather or not, how we’ll show up to interactions, the risks we are willing to take, how we’ll stick to our wellness plan, how we’ll approach year-end… Embracing an open-minded and flexible approach to celebrating the holidays, wrapping up the year and strategizing for 2021 will take us a long way…
Relationship – We have no control over our partner’s preferences, their timing, motivation, reasoning and the like. We do have control over how we share our preferences, how we respond to their preferences, how we collaborate to find mutually agreeable options, what choices we make for ourselves… Embracing personal development and a Relationship Enrichment Mindset, holding our partner as our ally in our mind, and maintaining a heart-centered and compassionate approach in our interactions will take us a long way…
It is up to us what we make of life experiences and how we choose to look at things. It is up to us to make choices that honor our Essence and who we truly are. It is up to us to make choices for the good of all. It is up to us to be preventative, preemptive, proactive and progressive in all we do to ensure our amazing Human Experience. It is up to us to create the relationship and life we want.
ASSIGNMENT: Identify an area that is troubling you the most such as the state of the world, your wellness, or your relationship.
Take stock of your thinking around this area – make a list of all your thoughts on what’s bothering you.
Note, the nature of the thoughts. Note, how they are mostly out of your control, and how they are negative… This focus is disempowering and generates negative feelings…. This is what is impacting your energy, your mood, your wellbeing and the state of your life…
Go back to you list and now capture the other side of things. Capture what is positive and working about the area you chose… And, focus on what you do have control, how you can look at it differently and how you can approach it differently…
Now, note how you are feeling… Note, how the feelings began to go in the positive direction…
Make this process a daily habit to work on reprogramming your negativity bias… And, for establishing a mental hygiene and wellness practice…
You’ll be feeling much better in no time!
It is your job to take charge of your mind, your feelings, your mood, your wellness. Stop blaming the government, the pandemic, the economy, your partner and such for how you feel. You can choose how you feel and create those feelings! Have at it!!
Copyright (c) 2020 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Couple Strategy™ that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly connection notes in your inbox with Personal Development and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com
Unfortunately, the feeling of being stuck and feeling hopeless in one’s relationship is not uncommon. Many partner’s feel they are not compatible, they don’t enjoy each other’s company, and can’t see a future together… A sad state of affairs.
Partners get to this point because they get entrenched in their own perspective losing sight of the other and the relationship, and the gorgeous potential… Once this is recaptured, they get along, get on the same page and get things done… They move forward creating their successful and radiant relationship!
Are you feeling stuck? You don’t have to be!
Here are 3 Tactics to help you start moving forward:
Learn to get along
Getting along doesn’t mean agreeing on everything or denying and swallowing your preference and desires. Getting along means understanding what you each want, why and finding a way of honoring both sides…
Couples usually get this all wrong. Partners dig in their heals on their side and look at their partner as the enemy for not giving up their own preference for them. They become extremely egocentric. Everything that is going on is filtered through the lens of did they got what they wanted. And if they didn’t, they compute a notch against their partner. Yuck!
This is definitely not a relationship enrichment approach, nor an emotionally safe approach of being in relationship. This cuts at the bond between the partners, disrupts their attachment. This breaches boundaries and undermines the other. This erodes self-esteem and confidence. This creates doubt and stuckness in the relationship.
We can be very good at making a federal case against our partner. We can be very good at connecting all the dots to prove ourselves right, for making the case of how we’ve been wronged in some way. We can be very good at presenting the logic behind how our partner let us down, again.
But, when we approach our relationship this way, we are just cheating ourselves out of the synergy and the gift inherent in our relationship… Gone are the days of finding a partner for contractual reasons. Now we choose each other and there is meaning in our choice. We forget to honor and benefit from that…
Getting along has to do with understanding each other, getting our partner and validating what’s true for them (showing them we get them), having their back, having their best interest at heart, approaching them from our heart and not our head (ego). It has to do with honoring that we are different people and working at figuring out how to make our differences work for us instead of against us…
So, for starters – stop looking at yourself as the victim in your relationship. Stop looking at your partner as the villain, the enemy, the bad guy. Stop looking at the relationship as dissatisfying and hopeless.
Instead take a step back and see the gift that is your partner and relationship. See how your partner does contribute, has your back, is committed… See the intentions, attempts, and willingness. However small these might be at this juncture… Remember, your partner is hanging in there as well…
Look at your partner with your heart and with compassion, not with your head and with criticism… See them, see their essence. Look beyond the noise, defenses, and imperfections… Once you shifted, then approach them…
Get on the same page
Being on the same page does not mean agreeing on a topic or situation, looking at an issue the same way, loving your partner’s perspective or approach and the like.
It does mean understanding where you are each coming from, what is significant about their experiences and why, how that fits with who the individuals are and what is going on for them, what’s the purpose and motive behind their actions, what are just defenses and not ill intentioned behaviors, what are attempts at pleasing and connection but just with poor delivery…
Getting a clear understanding of what is happening by giving the partner the benefit of the doubt, some grace, and compassion helps break impasses… Partners get stuck because they refuse to see the other side. They get stuck by trying to be right by making the other wrong… They get stuck because their perspective becomes very cloudy with their own position, circumstance and wishes.
Getting on the same page means finding a common ground, happy medium, or way of agreeing to move forward… It’s ok for your partner to get their way on what is really important to them. It’s ok for you to get your way on what is really important to you. When there is a mutual topic that is really important to both, know that there are usually degrees of how important something is to someone and hardly ever do people feel exactly the same way… Therefore, the discrepancy can be used to break impasses…
Now, don’t be stubborn and find this to be the thing you both agree on 100%! If you find that you are doing this, you are still very much entrenched in your own side… Then, this a YOU problem, not a partner problem… Remember the 80/20 rule. That any situation that is troubling you, is 80% about you, and 20% about what your partner is doing or now doing… Giving your 80% attention should keep you busy enough to have any desire to focus on your partner’s 20…
Getting on the same page is YOUR inside job. It’s is not your partner’s job. Now, if your partner were reading this, the same applies to them… So you see, you both work on your own in-sides…
Please bear in mind that you each have your own style, pace and ability for working on your side. If you are focusing on how much your partner is doing or not doing, how they are doing it, and how fast – again, you are focusing on the wrong side…
Focus on you and you’ll see how fast things actually change! For when we show up differently, we invite (co-create) different stuff…
So for starters – invite your partner into a conversation where the focus in on how you get their side… How you get them, get their point of view, perspective or experience, understand what is happening for them and what they desire and why, etc.
Seriously, keep this ONLY about them… Once your partner feels gotten, they un-dig their heals… Stop the conversation while you are ahead, don’t turn it back to you or try to address any issues at this time. Select another time to come back to the rest… In the meantime, watch the different energy and dynamics that come from your investment…
Get things done
You’ll notice that once you start shifting and showing up differently, agreeing on courses of action and staying synchronized becomes much easier!
A mistake that partners make is trying to control what their partner does, how they do it and when they do it – micromanaging so it gets done on their timetable. Who wants to live like this? Not for nothing the partner is shutting down, not showing up, disappearing or doing a crappy job…
When we control and micromanage, we ensure that the other doesn’t show up with their genius and internal resources. We end up creating a self-fulling prophecy that the other is not there, we are alone and unsupported, and we have to take care of everything… Right? We are just validating our scripts and repeating our patterns…
Now, you might be saying – Yeah, but when I put my partner in charge of such and such, or remove myself from something, or let this go or that go, they are still dropping the ball…
To that I say that the “delegation”, collaboration, wasn’t set up properly… You dumped the task on your partner without buy-in, guidelines, and the like. You gave up a task and your partner has no idea that it’s theirs now. You claim something is no longer a task, but still want the results of having a related task completed. And, a host of other funny business that sets you up to not be properly and genuinely supported…
If you are not getting what you want, what do you need to do differently to get it…? We have no control over what other people do, including our partner. But we do have control over what we do, how we show up and how we set things up…
So for starters – review the things you are not getting enough support on, that are getting on your nerves, that your partner keeps f*g up, and the like… Make a list of all the annoyances, of all the supposed dropped balls…
Now, take a look at how those balls were put into circulation… Hey, you might think you both have done an amazing job at setting up who owns this ball. And, yet it is still dropped. To that I say that it wasn’t really set up amazingly… Dig into why the ball is dropped. The best of intentions could have been in place to pick up this ball, but maybe the picking up wasn’t set up realistically…
You can go two ways here, find the theme of what is happening or identify the ball that is aggravating you the most. Then address this with your partner.
Now, don’t go in with guns blazing… Go into the conversation shifted, getting their side, and addressing it from what’s happening for you around this ball. Don’t go into the conversation by noting how your partner sucks and how they failed you, again…
ASSIGNMENT: Take note which of these three areas is most wobbly for you:
Get along – mindset
Get on the same page – communication
Get things done – collaboration
Then, give that area all your attention. Don’t dabble, be serious about making a change!
When you embrace taking ownership of how you do you in your relationship, you’ll be amazed at how quickly and beautifully you start seeing the changes you want.
Tackling the tactics above helps you make some head way in the implementing 3 of 5 key Elements in the Successful Couple Strategy™: Context/Mindset (1), Communication/Alignment (2), and Collaboration/Partnership (5). Woot!
Start creating changes within you so you can see changes in your relationship!
Copyright (c) 2020 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
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Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT has been in the mental health profession in varying capacities for the past 20+ years. She is the Founder and Director of metrorelationship.com a psychotherapy and coaching practice specializing in working with busy professional and entrepreneurial couples who are struggling getting on the same page and feeling connected. The work helps couples create a radiant and successful relationship and meaningful life by becoming a strong partnership and increasing their connection, intimacy, and fun. Emma is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Relationship Strategy™.
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