Wishful thinking or dreaming are a fabulous way to start any journey. But in and of themselves they don’t create the changes you are seeking. We might want to improve our happiness, our wellness, our health, our vitality, our fitness, our looks. Or we might want to improve the relationship with our partner, our relationship mindset, our communication, our dynamics, our connection, our intimacy, our partnership, our lifestyle, our parenting, our legacy. Or we might want to improve our service, our creativity, our productivity, our impact, our income or revenue. To manifest any of these things we require more than just dreaming…
To create anything in our life, a good doze of dreaming is required first and then a good doze of meaningful action to materialize it into our reality. Now this doesn’t mean grinding mind you! Long gone are the days where the grind actually created the results we desire… Have you noticed that the more you work doesn’t necessarily give you more or better outcomes…?
The key here is to focus on what it is we are trying to create and home in so that practice makes progress… We want to take inspired and leveraged action… We want to focus on the things that move the needle and make a difference, with gentleness, compassion, and ease…
So regardless of we want to improve, a concerted investment yields the best returns…
We can work directly on the thing, or we can work on the thing that holds us back when the direct work doesn’t seem to be doing it…Either way this can be boiled down to actions, simple practices, tactics, or habits that support our goals and desires. That helps us deprogram and heal, and decondition and grow… We drill in for the most return…
We can go really micro or esoteric on these knowing that a little tweak can crack the code. A different perspective, approach, or application can be just the thing to unravel the mysteries holding you back… One turn can open into a whole different panoramic view, a whole new reality…
We don’t need to work too hard, do all the things, stay subscribed to the grind… It’s time to intentionally, mindfully, and intelligently apply ourselves to our life to create the life the love…
In today’s episode I’m excited to have a conversation with Angela Mazza, a holistic health coach, who brings awareness to how different habitual patterns, not just behavioral but also emotional and relational, can have an impact on our health and wellbeing. We discussed how not having a voice, being a people pleaser, prioritizing others first, having low self-esteem or a sense of unworthiness, being a workaholic, a perfectionist, a type-A personality, and so forth can all take a toll… I very much enjoyed this conversation as it connects so nicely with the depatterning work we’ve been doing. Hope you enjoy it too!
PSS: Do you need support taking yourself, your relationship, and your life to the next level- actually living a healthy, happy, harmonious and overall abundant life?
Copyright (c) 2024 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication? Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Couple Strategy™ that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly connection notes in your inbox with Personal Development and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
Are you finding this time of year challenging as the school year wraps up and as we start transitioning into the Summer months? There is so much that goes into this transition that people are feeling more stretched than usual… And this weekend is also Father’s Day… There is no lack of things to celebrate. This is when it’s important for us to take a step back and assess the quality of our life and relationship. How are we doing, how are we showing up to our relationships, how are we showing up for ourselves, are we creating the life we love?
Busy and transition times give us a clue as to how we are doing… They are great opportunities to take stock and reassess how we do everything- from celebrations, to relaxation, to health and wellness, to love making, and everything in between…
Times of transition are amazing opportunities for us to assess, reset and forge forward in a new way. In June I love to play with 30-Day Challenges to help with this. It’s a wonderful tool to play with deprogramming (deconditioning) and depatterning (undermining our egoic patterns, our defensive patterns) freeing ourselves from the boxes we are used to living and relating in…
Challenges help us embrace new habits, do pattern interruptions, and provide structure that serve as healing and evolutionary mechanisms…
When we choose a 30-Day Challenge for this purpose, we can consider different things to help us hone into a habit we want to play with in the challenge.
~ Lack is driven by believing we are separate and not whole, which leads to sadness, grief, loneliness, aloneness, hopelessness, depression and so on which lead to focusing on fairness and double standards, judging imperfections, self-numbing [flight response…]
~ Attachments are driving by believing we need certainty and certain outcomes which leads to let down, disappointment, resentment, frustration, anger and so on which lead to demanding apologies, owning the other, and getting stuck on expectations [fight response…]
~ Control is driven by believing that we have to make things happen and have to do all the doing which leads to fear, stress, overwhelm, exhaustion, anxiety and so on which lead to over-functioning, micromanaging, doing everything ourselves, not accepting help [freeze response…]
And, then think about how this pattern might impact things that you are trying to achieve, accomplish or create in your relationship and your life.
You might feel stuck in things like:
~ losing weight or getting fit ~ creating and sustaining connection with your partner or other loved ones ~ moving up in your career ~ growing your business ~ making, saving, growing, or keeping your money ~ creating a satisfying lifestyle ~ implementing a self-care routine ~ synchronized coparenting ~ or anything else in your life
You might experience that no matter what you do, you can’t seem to make any headways. You keep going back to the same old… That’s a sign that conditioning, programming, and patterning are holding you back…
The pattern and topic can inform the habit you choose to use in your Challenge to start dismantling the driving conditioning or programming… But at the end of the day, you can choose any habit or tactic for your Challenge as the challenge itself will work its magic…
Give it shot, you got nothing to lose and much to gain from this simple yet powerful tool. Hope you accept the challenge…
PSS: Do you need support taking yourself, your relationship, and your life to the next level- actually living a healthy, happy, harmonious and overall abundant life?
Copyright (c) 2024 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication? Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Couple Strategy™ that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly connection notes in your inbox with Personal Development and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
Have you had the experience of wanting to change something in your life but seemingly no matter what you try it seems that you just can’t get the results you are looking for? I have seen this with health and wellness habits, productivity and success habits, and I hear this all the time when couples first come to see us for couples therapyabout creating changes in their relationship…
I find that partners think they try all kinds of things to make changes in their relationship without getting the outcome they are seeking. But even though they might try different things, what’s at the root, the driving mechanisms behind their efforts remain the same… So actually, not that much is being done differently at the end of the day… And they end up feeling stuck.
Their conditioning, programming, and patterning need to be addressed, what’s driving their dynamics, for change to actually happen, AND hold… This can be done in a lot of different ways and through a host of different modalities…
And, as we’ve been at the deconditioning thing for a bit now, I want to offer tackling this from a lighter place to make the work more fun…
Let’s get to some deconditioning with some Fathering- let’s embrace more structure, systems and routinesfor the security and discipline we need… But before you roll your eyes, as we are trying to get away from so much structure to begin with and make it more fun, let me share that we won’t be over doing it to where we stifle ourselves and it will be fun…
What we want to do is give ourselves the container of a structure so we can freely flow within it. Eh? More on this in upcoming issues. But for now, let’s focus on chipping away at programs that hold us back from what we want, even our attempt to be more disciplined…
How? Let’s play with the idea of pattern interruption and make it fun- let’s implement habits that counter our usual habitual (egoic) ways… That force our brain to repattern… Driving home a different way. Writing or brushing your teeth with your opposite from dominant hand. Sleeping on the other side of the bed, or sitting at a different place at the dinner table or couch. You get my drift.
In today’s podcast episode, I’m excited to have a conversation with Marvin Bee, a fellow podcaster about how to go about our own personal health journey. He focuses on removing unhealthy habits and all things not good for us in his approach to health and happiness…
Awesome ideas show up in our conversation that can be used for your 30-Day Challenge… Enjoy!
PSS: Do you need support taking yourself, your relationship, and your life to the next level- actually living a healthy, happy, harmonious and overall abundant life?
Copyright (c) 2024 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication? Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Couple Strategy™ that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly connection notes in your inbox with Personal Development and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
It feels terrible when we have the same arguments over the same disagreements, over and over again… Doesn’t it? It’s so frustrating to feel like we are living in the twilight zone, or that we are having a Groundhog Day experience… It’s tough to know that we’ll have the same conversation without resolution, yet again. Feeling like beating your head against the wall? Having repeating arguments, how you’re your relationship dynamics?
Having the same fight, or conflict, over and over might have to do with communication skills, but most importantly it has to do with your relationship dynamics… For you see something happens before a fight ensues, before a conflict is identified or sometimes even before verbal communication is started. And that is being triggered…
Being triggered means our sensitivities get perturbed. Or that core or old wounds or trauma get poked. The poking engenders strong emotions such as anger, fear, anxiety, sadness, numbness, or feeling out of control.
When these feelings come on strong, they are accompanied by higher activation of neurotransmitters in our brain and hormonal release. The cocktail floods us and monopolizes our brain activity, becoming less engaged with our higher executive functioning. This is where the amounts of skills or tools you have don’t matter as they become inaccessible…
Our getting thrown off might result in our isolating, shutting down emotionally, becoming argumentative, or becoming physically aggressive. At this juncture the partners resemble toddlers in their ability to manage themselves.
This is why it’s so important to do our personal development work. For healing and growing ourselves up, so we don’t walk around with gaping wounds and sensitivities that are easily triggered. And that drive our approach to life and our relationship, and our relationship dynamics…
In interactions with our partner, we have the opportunity for healing and growing ourselves up. This is the bonus benefit of being in relationship with our Partner and their perfect imperfections that perfectly complement our own…
It behooves partners to not lose sight of this gift, and to transcend the recurring dissatisfying patterns by addressing their triggers through the Relationship Enrichment Lifestyle™.
When getting triggered in our relationship, there is a built-in opportunity to now get what we didn’t get growing up (to heal)… And, for learning how to stretch ourselves to meet our partner’s opposing needs (to grow up, become whole)…
Once we integrate this into our relating, we are able to tap into our inherent relationship synergy… This is when the waters part, and life is our oyster… LOL
Learning what drives the dynamics (our and our partner’s triggers) and how to work with them for our evolution and more meaningful Journey, is a marvelous lens and mindset to embrace in our relationship. This is when we stop the power struggle and becomes allies. This is when we become a true Partnership…
This is then our conscious and intentional relationship. Being aware of our triggers and being mindful and intentional about addressing them, is the way to change the relationship dynamics and to create the relationship we want. This is the key to our transformation…
Changing the Dynamics
It’s very easy to feel stuck, frustrated and hopeless when it seems that we just go around and around in our conversations, if we even have them, without getting anywhere. The same issue/s keep creeping up and no matter what we do we can’t seem to crack the code. But with a little mindfulness and intentionality we have the keys to the kingdom.
The Reactivity
The key is to pay attention to the reactivity. Start noticing when you get prickly, what gets on your nerves or annoys you, what are you sensitive about, what touches your sensitivities, and such. Now do this by observing what happens to you, what comes up for you. Don’t do this by focusing on what your partner is doing or not doing, and taking yourself on a ride about them…
Then notice how you respond in the interaction or situation. What do you do outwardly and inwardly? What are your “emotional behaviors”? Shut down, withdraw, distance, dismiss, minimize, and the like? Or pounce, attack, pursue, nag, control, maximize, and the like?
The set of reactions you identified are your go-to Defense Mechanisms…
You can be on a spectrum from Distancer to Pursuer… The higher the conflict in the relationship, the more the polarization…
What are you feeling behind your defense mechanisms? Controlled, smothered, suffocated, cornered, unappreciated, inadequate? Or, abandoned, rejected, unwanted, unworthy, unsupported, alone?
These feelings are your Wounds…
The Distancer feels – Controlled, smothered, suffocated, cornered, unappreciated, inadequate
The Pursuer feels – Abandoned, rejected, unwanted, unworthy, unsupported, alone
Share the instructions with your partner and have identify their Defense Mechanisms and Wounds… I’m sure that by just doing your side, you can probably identify your partner’s as well. But it’s best for them to identify and own their own experience…
Regardless of how you arrive at identifying your partner’s side, I’m sure you’ll notice that you are opposites… A little or a whole lot.
Now, don’t let this scare you as Opposites Attract… And, once you start doing your work, you’ll become less polarized and learn to work with your differences to the satisfaction of you both.
Your Reciprocity Loop
Your dynamics is a reciprocity loop, a recurring repeating pattern. Actually, it’s a beautiful dance between the oppositeness…
You want closeness, they want space.
You want to discuss things to process, they need time on their own to think to process.
You want to be flexible, they want to run on schedule.
You want to do things together, they want to do things on their own.
And, so on…
Partners might get triggered in the face of the different preferences… Specially if there is already some disconnection and unappreciation going on at the moment…
The Looping: Something happens. Partner A gets Triggered and responds with their Defense Mechanism. Which Triggers Partner B, who responds with their own Defense Mechanism. Resulting in Partner A having their Wounds/Feelings additionally triggered, to which they respond with more of their Defense Mechanism. Additionally, triggering Partner B’s Wounds/Feelings. And on it goes…
Let’s say:
Partner B announces they’ll be away for the next three days.
This makes Partner A feel unwanted, rejected and abandoned.
They react by demanding why the partner is going away, asking a million questions about the trip, requesting a gazillion things get done before they go away, asking them to come back early, and such.
Partner B now feels controlled, nagged, and trapped.
They in turn don’t want to provide details on the trip, are evasive about the possibility of coming back early, forget to do some of the tasks requested, and such.
This makes Partner A feel more unwanted, alone, dismissed, unsupported. So, they become more controlling, demanding and such.
Now Partner B feels more controlled, unappreciated, and suffocated.
And it can really escalate…
Does this sound familiar? I know, you are not alone!
The Transformation
Without spelling out therapy sessions here, the first and most basic thing to do is keep your understanding of your dynamics top of mind.
So, when your partner does something that triggers you, you can put it in the right context for yourself and address what comes up differently…
And so, equally as important, is to be mindful to not operate or react in a way that triggers your partner…
Giving each other a different experience, especially a different outcome in the face of a trigger is what’s healing… These are reparative experiences.
Another way to be healing is to ongoingly and proactively do behaviors that are antidotes to the Wounds. So, what’s needed is provided without having triggers making noise to get needs met.
For example, build-in couple/connection/togetherness and individual/alone/separateness times into your routines…
The additional beauty here, is that in stretching to give our partner their preference, we grow… So, it’s a win-win.
And that’s how you do it. Hang on to this golden ticket my friend, play with this concept to transform your relationship. You’ll be amazed at what’s possible once you crack this code! Enjoy!
ASSIGNMENT: Make a concerted effort at becoming a conscious and intentional couple… Keep your dynamics and working them top of mind!
Identify your Defense Mechanisms and Wounds
Identify your Loop
Identify behavior and attitude changes to avoid Triggering each other
Identify and implement ongoing Habits to tend to the Needs related to the Wounds
As with anything, when you bring consciousness, focus and attention to something, Awesomeness happens. I wish this for you in your life and your relationship.
Wishing you much joy, connection and love today and always…
Copyright (c) 2021 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Couple Strategy™ that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly connection notes in your inbox with Personal Development and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com
We’ve been making our way through the 5 Elements of our Successful Couple Strategy™ to launch us into the New Year ready to create the best version of our relationship yet.
Today’s topic – The Same Thing Over and Over. Unless we make sure we don’t get stuck, that’s exactly what happens… When partners wing things in their relationship they will find themselves creating repeating patterns. That’s just the way of things. Even if they don’t necessarily “wing it”, but are not intentional, mindful, informed, and use Relationship Enrichment Skills this is still what happens…
What happens? What drives the repeating patterns? Why do partners get stuck here, no matter how smart they are? As I’ve said once or twice in session, this is not a logical problem to be solved with an intellectual conversation or approach, or as if it’s a riddle… No matter how much you kick it around in your head that’s not how you change this.
This happens because at some level we are looking to get what we haven’t gotten yet… It’s our unconscious mind at work, it’s a built-in mechanism to give us a second chance. A second chance at getting our needs met, at fully growing up, and at actually becoming who we are…
So even though it’s super frustrating to be stuck in repeating patterns, this is actually a Gift, a Blessing. This is an opportunity in disguise. This is a chance to give it another try! This happens FOR us not TO us.
This means our relationship is a gift, our Partner is a Gift… For in this context we have the perfect situation to do our work and have our human experience… It gives us the opportunity to practice, try again, and crack the code. How many situations in our life are as rich as this…?
Ok, so how do the frustrating things keep repeating against sometimes our bestest efforts and wishes? They repeat because is not the specific behavior or situation that is the issue or that needs to change, and that’s what the partners focus on…
Like leaving the toilet seat up
Like not getting up early to help with the children
Like not doing the dishes
Like always running late
Like telling white lies
Like leaving crumbs on the counter
Like not responding to texts fast enough
Like listening to the T.V. too loudly
Like not immediately picking up after the dog went in the yard
Like not buying groceries frequently enough
These are all real examples from couples I’m currently working with, and the list goes on and on. Any resonate for you? What is the thing that’s getting you?
Partners get stuck on items like this and what ensues when trying to address them… As you can see from the behaviors listed, the focus is on what the partner is doing or not doing! Right off the bat they are off in the wrong direction… The mere focus on these items as the partner being a perpetrator of some kind automatically affects one’s mood, state, experience and approach… And, it disempowers us…
The key with these and other similar focus items is to understand what they trigger for us… The trigger, the emotional response, is the hook… It’s not the behavior per se that’s so egregious, but what it does to us, how it makes us feel… As we are on the lookout to no longer get hurt in the same old way, to not feel that pain again, we are sensitive to any experience that might trigger it…
Some of the behaviors listed above wouldn’t bother someone else to the same extent if at all… Partners are not usually aware of the trigger, or get so triggered that they can’t help themselves, so they just get hang-up on the particular behavior for its own sake…
Partners then focus on correcting the infraction and getting their way. When faced with certain behaviors, we assign some negative meaning to them that triggers us. This by the way, happens at lightning speed where most of the time we are not even aware of our process…
And, then we react to the trigger, triggering our partner, who reacts to their trigger, triggering us some more.Fun times! LOL Thus, we go around and around, we create a repeating loop, we get stuck in a Power Struggle where both partners are focused on getting their way (getting their needs met and relieving their pain)… They end up creating repeating patterns, stuck dynamics. This creates stuckness in the relationship…
Changing the focus from our partner’s behavior in trying to take care of ourselves to caring of how we feel and what got triggered is how we shift the stuckness, change the dynamics and the patterns. When we change to this approach, we heal…
When we stretch to meet our needs appropriately, and our partner’s when addressing their concerns, we grow… When we intentionally work together we create a deeper understanding, more connection and greater intimacy…
This is how we create an everlasting bond, a rock-solid Partnership. This is what enables us to Flourish and create our Brilliant Life…
ASSIGNMENT: Take a moment to,
Identify the infractions, your partner’s imperfections, that you tend to focus on in your relationship.
Identify what they trigger for you, what feelings come up when faced with them. Note, that this is a pervasive feeling… It just gets exacerbated during certain times…
Identify what the feelings call for. What are the associated needs? What do you imagine you need when those feelings come up? This is where the focus needs to be, on the feeling and how to meet the needs driving it. And, the need is NOT, I need my partner to do the dishes! LOL
Identify ways to appropriately meet your needs- to address the pervasive feeling… And remember, it has nothing to do with the actual items that get you. They are just messengers…
Play with this to your heart’s content, heal yourself and grow yourself up. You’ll notice how much easier and beautiful your life becomes… Embrace the opportunities!
Complete the Assignment, and share your takeaway, insights, and results with a note in the Comments box at the end! I’d love to hear how you are using this content.
Happy Embracing
Copyright (c) 2019 Emma K. Viglucci. All rights reserved.
Want to Use this Article in Your Own Website or Publication?
Be our guest! Here is how, you MUST include: Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT is the Founder and Director of Metropolitan Marriage & Family Therapy, PLLC, a private practice that specializes in working with couples, she is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and a variety of Successful Couple™ content that assist couples succeed at their relationship and their life. Stay Connected™ with Emma and receive weekly Connection Notes in your inbox with Personal Growth and Relationship Enrichment insights and strategies, visit: www.metrorelationship.com.
STAY CONNECTED WITH US, SUBSCRIBE TO OUR NEWSLETTER
And, Get a FREE Relationship Enrichment Mini Course!
You CAN create the relationship you desire!
With this Mini Course learn how to immediately Break your Impasse, Improve your Communication, Increase your Intimacy, Connection and Fun, & Create a Strong Partnership...
And with Emma’s weekly Love rich with Personal Development & Relationship Enrichment know-how, announcements, resources and more straight into your inbox.
Emma K. Viglucci, LMFT has been in the mental health profession in varying capacities for the past 20+ years. She is the Founder and Director of metrorelationship.com a psychotherapy and coaching practice specializing in working with busy professional and entrepreneurial couples who are struggling getting on the same page and feeling connected. The work helps couples create a radiant and successful relationship and meaningful life by becoming a strong partnership and increasing their connection, intimacy, and fun. Emma is the creator of the MetroRelationship™ philosophy and the Successful Relationship Strategy™.
Pin It on Pinterest
We track visits and User's visit information to analyze our performance and trends in order to create targeted messaging and programs to best serve you. We use cookies to provide a personalized and smoother browsing experience. Refer to our Privacy Policy for additional details.
You consent to our tracking and cookies when using our Websites.OK